You Got BatRolled!
by TheBananaSlug
Summary: Care for some Batman crackfic oneshots? Here is a whole fanfic full of them! Prepare for some major absurdity, parodies, and OOC madness! It includes Penguin's love-life, Ra's al Ghul's secret to immortality, Joker at his best, Bane owning a restaurant, Poison Ivy setting some facts about veganism, and SCARECROW! Rated T for hilarity.
1. Pilot

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN BATMAN AT ALL, THIS IS A FANFIC, FOR PETE'S SAKE, IT MEANS I DON'T OWN IT AT ALL, AND I DON'T INTEND TO MAKE MONEY OFF THIS. PEACE.**

**The Banana Slug: Well, thanks to the only guy that read my crackfic, I decided to make a souless copy of his, sorta, it's kinda based on his You Got HaruhiRolled fanfics, but with different thingies.**

**WARNING: This fanfic contains brutal violence, massive OOC moments, parodies, character bashes, sensual content, naughty language, Mr. Zsasz, crack pairing, and overall random moments through out, this…is…**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 1: Pilot**

* * *

><p><strong>The Penguin's Bad Date<strong>

The night was young with the Iceberg Lounge underneath it, inside was a small penguin-esque man as he sat at the bar. Oswald Cobblepot looked mighty proud of himself, who drank his green martini with an anchovy inside it with pride, sighing in bliss.

He looked at a picture of a hot nineteen year-old girl with blue eyes and blonde hair, just how he liked them. Young and slutty.

He yelled out to the bartender with glee for another martini, the bartender rushed over and poured more of the liquor in his glass and dropped a fresh anchovy inside.

"Boy, Mr. Cobblepot, you sure seem happy today!" he said happily.

"Oh, yes, I met a pretty little thing on the MyBook those kids are talking about," replied the Penguin with a loving sigh, "Saying she'd like to meet me at the Iceberg Lounge, wouldn't **she** be surprised that I **own** the Lounge, eh!?"

"Oh yes, sir," replied the bartender, looking at the picture, "She sure looks beautiful."

Penguin glared and quickly slammed his head on the bar, yelling out in fury, "What are you thinking, charlatan!? She's mine, you hear!? Don't even think about it, or you are fish-bait!"

The bartender, with a large bruise on his forehead, walked away in a daze, talking about chickens on the opera.

In a bipolar fashion, Penguin drank his martini and sighed with joy, he remembered how they would meet. She said she'd be wearing a pin on her shirt which showed a cancel sign over the Dark Knight.

"Oh, another person other than the local yokels that hate that irreverent flying rodent," sighed the Penguin, his hands on his fat chin, dreaming of her, giggling at the table, dancing with him, and jumping on his bed…in more ways than one.

Still in a daze of happiness, he reached for his umbrella and pushed a button at the end. A henchman rushed over in a fright and put a cigarette in his mouth and lit it, running away after giving a quick bow.

"_Mr. Cobblepot?_"

His heart jumped and turned around, a great grin with his sharp teeth showing, eyes popping, and his cheeks rosy red to meet the woman he'd show his parasol to. However, his happiness turned to sadness when he found out who it was.

"Heya, Cobby, Joker here!" announced the Clown Prince of Crime. What made Penguin's heart drop was the fact that Joker was wearing an anti-Batman pin, just like what his date would say she would wear.

The Penguin turned away as he sweat profusely. "Go away, Joker, I am waiting for my date."

"Yes…you are…**ME**! **NYAHAHAHAAA**!" replied Joker in his evil way as he sat down next to Penguin casually.

"WHA-WHA-WHAAAAT!?" yelled out the Penguin in a Sheila Broflovski kind of way, "**You** are suppose to be a barely legal young and beautiful lady of the evening!"

"Yeah, well, **you** said you were a body-builder," hissed the Joker as he rubbed the shoulders of the Penguin, much to his discomfort, "But I do _**love**_ roleplay! Nyeheheh!"

"_Please_ stop rubbing my shoulder," let out Penguin, sweating wildly.

"So tense, would you like a message?" asked the Joker tauntingly as he was given a martini, which he glared at and threw it at the bartender, who flinched and wondered why his day was so terrible, "I want chocolate milk, ya dip! **NOW**!"

The Penguin sighed and wondered how long his date was, so that he could go to bed, and try to forget this horrible night once and for all.

An awkward silence was prevalent with the Joker and Penguin, with the Joker drinking his chocolate milk with a grin, Penguin just staring at the floor. Joker reached out and got a menu, looking at it as Penguin continued to be silent.

Joker looked at him and asked, "So, what do you want for dinner?"

"Huh?" squawked the Penguin.

"This is a date, and I damn well will have a steak with my date, or I think this date will end with a funeral date," hissed the Joker threateningly, his face pushed against Oswald's a bit to close to be considered straight.

The Penguin looked at him and yelled, "Waiter! Steak!"

Joker then got up and fist-pumped, yelling out, "This date is one hell of a mate!"

"Oh! Do shut up!" grumbled Penguin as he buried his head into his own arms.

**LATER THAT EVENING**

Still in this strange crack-pairing, the two "love-birds" ate their somewhat lovely dinner, with the Joker eating his heart-shaped steak with lemon sprinkled on the top as Penguin ate his raw marlin with despair, cutting it with the knife and stabbing it with the fork. As he ate, the Joker mimicked him for some time, then putting his fork and knife down politely.

"Sooooooooo," let out the Joker as he fiddled with his steak, pressing his finger against the meat, "Are you married?"

"Okay, I've had enough!" yelled out the Penguin angrily, who pushed his plate of raw fish away and jumped down from his high stool, angrily muttering to himself.

"Hey, hey, hey, what's the matter!" yelled out the Joker in (fake)concern, leaping out of his chair and following the waddling Penguin, towering over him, "I ain't no common salad dressing waitress in those skimpy dresses, you gotta work to get in-"

"Good day, Mr. Joker!" shouted the Penguin sternly, waddling away faster, "I take it you know the way out!"

"…No," replied the Joker casually and with a small smile.

The Penguin growled and stopped to turn him, "I ask you to leave, and I will not be partaking in your joke or whatever you are planning with this, 'date', and besides, don't you already _have_ a girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend?" let out the Joker, he put his chin against his fingers and thought for a long time, remembering something about his "little minx", but he looked around, wondering what Penguin was suggesting. He simply shrugged and walked past him into the snowing city of Gotham City. Joker strolled through the city, picking his teeth with a knife as he hummed his theme tune from the Animated Series.

**MEANWHILE**

It was a nice Italian restaurant in downtown Gotham, Harley Quinn waited in lonesome at a small table with a couple of cold pasta, burnt-out candles, and dead bodies laying around the establishment.

Harley Quinn. Broken, not moving an inch, waiting for her boyfriend to show up. She made sure she wore just the right things for her man, she wore a little red dress that showed her cleavage, was wearing his lipstick, and even used the perfume she hated but he adored, "Scent of Guano".

She picked up her phone from her purse and called the Joker's cell…for the twenty-first time. What she heard was…

"Greetings, Joker here, I am sorry, but I am unable to get to the phone, leave a message after the insane trademarked laughter! **NYA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA**!"

She put her phone down and looked down at her food again, she gazed up at the ceiling and sighed in pure depression, then letting out sadly with a weak breath, "He's probably runnin' late…yeah, just runnin' late."

* * *

><p><strong>BatWii<strong>

At the Batcave, both Robin and Batman were playing WiiSports vigorously, competing as hard as they could, shaking their controllers around to beat each other. Boy, did that sound wrong.

"You are sooooo gonna lose, Batman!" laughed Robin.

"Nu-uh, I am so gonna whoop your ass boy, I am the elder!" yelled Batman, waving his controller around, losing badly, "Erm, I think my BatWii Controller is not working."

"Um, Batman, is it illegal to make an illegal copy of the Wii from scratch?" asked a worried Robin.

"Nope, because it ain't no Wii, it's the BatWii," argued the Dark Knight angrily, "Which means…shut up!"

As they played their WiiSports, with the tides turning and having Batman winning, Alfred walked down the stairs with the Batphone on a platter and said with a prevalent calm voice, "Master Wayne, Master Drake, a telephone call from Commissioner Gordon. He said that Two-Face has just robbed the Gotham National Bank and has taken a young woman hostage in the local bank."

"Yeah, sure, Alfred, we're busy," replied Batman, not paying attention.

"We'll get on it…eventually," added Robin.

Both the vigilantes continued to play WiiSports, each trying to defeat the other, calling out at each other with horrid names. Batman would occasionally slap Robin in the back of the head, but Robin would continue to focus on the competition, not falling for the Bat's cheating ways.

Alfred waited for a while, then saying, "Master Bruce, I said that-"

"WHERE YO GAME AT!? **WHERE YO GAAAAME AT**!?" taunted Batman, pushing Robin to the side.

"Don't make me bring it, Batboy!" retorted Robin, who quickly flipped Batman's cape over his head. Batman struggled frantically and got his cape off, quickly getting back to the game as desperately as he can.

"Master Wayne…I must implore that-"

"Alfred, I am currently showing Miss Little Rob-Me-Of-My-Money who the boss is 'round here!" yelled out Batman, "I think we can talk 'bout this "Two-Face" crap later!

"Tell Mr. I'm-Too-Cool-To-Buy-A-Wii-But-I-Will-Anyhow to get ready to cry like a little baby because **I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS**!" taunted Robin. But was devastatingly stunned when Batman swiftly beat Robin in WiiSports. Batman threw his controller down and spread his arms, doing the Moon Walk, and flipping off Robin in his face.

"What up? What up?" taunted Batman.

Robin looked at him with scorn, then yelling out with ire, "Best 2-out-of-3!"

"Damn straight!" taunted Batman, who picked up his controller and played a new game with his ward as Alfred watched them ignore him.

He sighed in annoyance and walked up the stairs, calling out, "Dinner will be ready at nine, Master Wayne."

"Yeah, okay, Albert," grunted back Batman, too busy to care right now. Alfred shook his head and walked out of the Bat-Cave, putting down the Bat-Phone on a coffee table as he was looking out the window. He saw a large explosion from inside of Gotham City with the Bat-Signal shining in the night sky.

"I bet Jarvis doesn't have to put up with this bollocks," murmured Alfred under his breath.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Rewrote this because I didn't proofread my stuff at this time, now I do. So, I made some better grammatical corrections so that my stuff doesn't look like a COMPLETE piece of crap.<strong>

**G'day!**


	2. My Buddies and Villain Cabs

**The Banana Slug: I just started getting a beard, and it itches, and it get's in the way, when I'm eating SOOOOOUUUUP!**

**So, I am gonna shave it off.**

**Wasn't that a needed tidbit of information? :D**

**Well anyway, I made the first story based on an experience I had on Batman: Arkham Asylum. It was at the part where I first met Mr. Zsasz. It contains a quote from the actual game that started it all. If you can get it, you are cool.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 2: My Buddies and Villain Cabs**

* * *

><p><strong>Zsasz's Buddy<strong>

It was 1:53 AM, deep in Arkham Asylum, with the Batman walking down the halls towards a guard in front of a door. He walked over to him and nudged his shoulder, watching him fall down and revealed to be a dead body, made to stand up by Mr. Zsasz.

"Huh," replied Batman, confused by the whole situation as he looked down on the dead body, then asking in stupidity, "Are you alright?"

"Batman!" yelled out a guard from the hallways, "It's Zsasz, he got out, you gotta help!" Batman looked down at the body, he gasped as he finally got what happened, looking around and turning to the guard, "Oh, yes, I see what happened, where is the madman?"

The guard nodded as he led the Batman through the hallway and to the lunchroom, with two other guards shouting, "Let him go, Zsasz!", "Don't try it, Zsasz!", "You won't get away!", and "Don't slip on the Lemonade spill!".

Batman approached another guard, who turned to him with a worried look and said nervously, "Zsasz has got my buddy."

Batman looked in the cafeteria and saw Mr. Zsasz, holding something small, with a dead body next to him. He held it like a newborn, pressing it against his chest, giggling madly.

"I…I have it, after all this time!" hissed Zsasz, he pulled it away, revealing what he was holding.

It was…a My Buddy!

"My Buddy, My Buddy," he sang quietly, holding the doll up happily, "Keeps me from getting scared in the dark asylum walls, My Buddy and Me!"

Batman looked back at the guard with apathy, which the guard returned with a sad and worried face, tears and snot running down his face.

"Pwease get him back!" pleaded the guard childishly, "It's miiiiiiine!"

Batman gave him a bored glare and sighed, he walked into the lunchroom and approached Mr. Zsasz.

"Zsasz, give him back his doll," groaned Batman, holding his hand out.

"He wouldn't let me have a turn!" yelled back Zsasz angrily, shielding the My Buddy doll with his body, "I just wanna hold it!""Tell him it's My Buddy, not his!" shouted the guard, crying madly, "I want it back!"

"Nu-uh!" yelled Zsasz angrily, "You play with it all the time and give no one a turn, it's not fair!"

Batman growled and yelled, "I don't care if you want a goddamn turn, I'm the goddamn Batman, now give him back the toy, now!"

"Nnnnno!" argued Zsasz childishly. Batman reached out quickly for the doll, but Zsasz cut his arm. Batman pulled back and looked at the wound.

"You're dense, aren't you?" growled Batman. Zsasz, looking proud, didn't notice the Batfist coming straight to his face, breaking his cheekbones and sending him on the ground. He dropped the Buddy and Batman grabbed it by the leg.

"My Buddy!" yelled out the guard gleefully as he ran to Batman, a wide smile and tears running across his face. He ran to Batman and snatched the Buddy from his hands.

He began to hug it tight, pressing it against his face. He bounced it up and down with joy.

"My Buddy, My Buddy!" laughed the guard as Zsasz cried out in sorrow, "This little guard most likely knows right from wrong! My Buddy and Me!"

Zsasz laid down on the ground, sobbing so much, snot ran down his cheeks. "All I ever wanted was a My Buddy, but they were already discontinued! AAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Batman looked down in apathy, he looked at the guard, who gave him an encouragingly sad face, as if trying to tell him without speaking, "Isn't there something you could do for him?"

Batman looked him dead in the eyes and sighed, saying, "Fine!"

He reached into his utility belt and pulled out a My Buddy Doll, wearing a Batman costume. He shoved it in front of Zsasz, who looked at it with a toothy grin, his eyes wide and his snotty nose red.

He grabbed it and began to hug and play with it. He laughed insanely, along with the guard, as they all played with their Buddies.

"BatBuddy, BatBuddy!" laughed Mr. Zsasz, "Keeping Gotham safe from the awful nasty men, BatBuddy and meeeeeee!"

Batman was in the middle, frustrated and annoyed by the two, playing with their dolls, he groaned and walked away.

"Morons," growled Batman, shoving the doors away and storming out.

* * *

><p><strong>Two-Face's Cab Service<strong>

In the streets of Gotham in the rainy night, Bruce Wayne waited patiently with his umbrella, waiting for a taxi since his limo broke down.

He waved his hand at a nearby taxi, which stopped near him. Bruce ran towards it and rushed into the door.

"Wayne Manor," gently ordered Bruce, "And step on…"

He stopped and looked at the driver with fear, which was Two-Face, drinking a glass of scotch.

"Wayne Manor, let's flip on it," replied Two-Face, who pulled out his coin and flipped it, revealing heads, "Wanye Manor it is."

He drove through the rainy road as Bruce looked at him with concern, he reminded Two-Face calmly, "Aren't you…a criminal?"

"Yeah, well, my parole officer said I can get out of Arkham if I have a job," replied Two-Face, "So, yeah, I'm drivin' around a taxi now."

"Oh, 'kay," let out Bruce, falling into his seat, a little cold since the heater was broken in one side, and the other was blowing in front of Two-Face's direction.

After a while of driving down the freeway, they got to a split in the road. "Okay, take a left, and that will get me to the Manor."

"Hold on, gotta flip," replied Two-Face. He pulled out his coin and flipped it, landing on tails. "We go right."

"But, it'll take longer!" argued Bruce.

Two-Face inhaled loudly and growled, "We. Go. Right!" Bruce looked away and scratched his cheek, knowing he can't do jack without his Batman costume to hide his identity.

For ten minutes, Harvey Dent drove around the city, flipping his coin at every lane, sometimes going the right way, but usually getting a tails and going the wrong way, frustrating Bruce to no end.

"Two-Face, stop flipping the damn coin and take me home!" yelled Bruce angrily, stomping on the car floor.

"I have to, it's destiny, and I will think of you, as I throw up!" yelled back Two-Face, who drank his scotch again. He swerved past a truck, still drinking his scotch and gave a loud burp as the truck crashed into a building.

"So, which way?" asked Two-Face, as he was coming up at a road to an unfinished bridge, and to the left was the highway.

Bruce froze and said in dead monotone, "Left, definitely left, please."

"Okay, just let me flip my coin," grunted Two-Face, pulling out his coin.

"Um, uh, we don't have to do that, Harvey," let out Bruce in slight fear.

"Nope, a road is a road, and a coin is a coin," replied Two-Face. "For god's sakes, Dent, the bridge isn't finished!" yelled Bruce.

"It's still a bridge, even if it isn't finished," argued Two-Face calmly, flipping his coin. Bruce flinched and hugged his legs, his teeth chattering. As he flinched, he opened his eyes to see that he was on the highway, Two-Face chose heads.

He sighed, thankful to be alive. Two-Face took another drink and said, "Oh, look, another road, better flip!"

He flipped the coin, it came out tails, he shoved the wheel away and the taxi ran straight into a brick wall, crashing into it with extreme force.

The horn kept on honking as Two-Face laid his head on the horn, his car looking like it was attacked by a horny elephant, and Bruce in the back, unharmed and unamused.

Two-Face lifted his head and turned to Bruce, "Fate is our destiny, Bruce, fate…is our destiny."

Bruce glared at him and snapped at him, "You know what, I'm walking!" He kicked open the door and stomped out the broken taxi, walking away, cursing silently.

"Hey!" yelled out Two-Face, "You forgot to pay, jerk-off!"

"Flip for it, toilet face!" yelled back Bruce.

Two-Face grabbed his coin and flipped it, landing on tails, he then yelled out to Bruce, "Today's your lucky day, have a good night!"

Bruce responded with his middle finger up in the air as he walked away. Two-Face shook his head and sighed, "Damn yuppies, not giving a damn about anyone but themselves!" He took another long drink, but was suddenly knocked out by the delayed airbag, snoring loudly as he laid on the airbag as police sirens were heard in the background. 

Alfred and Tim Drake waited at the table, with three plates of spaghetti on it. Alfred's was half-eaten, Tim's was in the process of going into Timmy's belly, and Bruce's was not touched.

"Hey, Alfred, if he doesn't show, can I eat his spaghetti?" asked the gluttonous Tim Drake.

"Please wait for a few seconds," sighed Alfred, "But you can have the rest of mine." He lifted his plate and slid the spaghetti on Drake's plate. Tim yelped in happiness and devoured the spaghetti. Alfred heard the door slam open and got up to see who it was, with Tim already finished with Alfred's spaghetti, eyeing Bruce's untouched spaghetti.

Alfred looked to see a very wet, very muddy, and very pissed Bruce Wayne. He looked at him with surprise and asked him with great concern, "Master Wayne, what happened!"

"Stupid Harvey Dent drove me to hell and back, I had to trek through Gotham, beat up a mugger, hike up the road, all in the damn rain!" explained an angry Bruce as he stomped through the main hall, "I really need that damn spaghetti, that is all that can make me happy!"

He got into the dining room, seeing Tim grabbing his plate of spaghetti, but Tim turned to see Bruce give him the most epic rage face you have ever seen. In fear, Tim put the plate back down and walk quickly out of the dining room.

Bruce sat down on his chair and stabbed his fork into the spaghetti, shoving it into his mouth. And in an almost bipolar-like miracle, Bruce turned from steam-heavy mad to calm happy bliss.

"Master Bruce?" asked Alfred."Spaghetti is dandy after a bad day," sighed Bruce, eating his spaghetti. Alfred returned with a smile as Bruce ate his spaghetti happily, placing his hand on his back.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yep, all life's problems can be fixed with spaghetti. World War II? Could've been averted if Mussolini used his spaghetti for peace. The American Civil War? Why have slaves when you can have spaghetti.<strong>

**...**

**Oops! Spaghett!**


	3. Clayface is a Spy!

**The Banana Slug: BWAHAHAHAHAAA! I love Mr. Zsasz! He's so woobie…**

…

…**to me, at least.**

…

**P.S. I have looked back, and after much thought (and helpful encouragement and obvious advice from fellow fanfic writer Titanwolf), I have decided to rewrite this chapter for my own personal beliefs as well as yours! I'm sure many people support this, Clayface and Spy deserve this respect!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 3: Clayface is a Spy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Meet the Clayface<strong>

On the roofs of Gotham, the door to one of them slammed open, revealing a battered and beaten Robin. He ran in panic to the other roof, knowing something was following him.

He grabbed onto the pipes and slid down them, sweating profusely and landing on the asphalt and running like death was behind him.

He looked around and saw Batman and Commissioner Gordon in front of a cop car, talking to each other.

He breathed heavily, then yelling out to them, running as fast as he could to them.

"…And it turned out she was the mother!" yelled Gordon with a smile, telling a joke. Both Batman and Gordon laughed out loud as Robin ran to them.

Batman looked at him and remarked, "You look like Michael Jackson's girlfriend."

"Batman! I…need…help!" panted out Robin in fear.

"He sorta does, doesn't he?" remarked Gordon, responding from Batman's remark. He shrugged and said to Batman, "And if you thought that was funny, wait till you hear of the story Hugo Strange came to the GCPD, and he didn't know he was still wearing his Batman costume!"

"Ha! What a n00b!" laughed Batman.

"Guys! Clayface!" yelled out the exhausted Robin. Both Batman and Gordon looked at him with surprise, with Gordon dropping his coffee he had with him.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner, Robin!" growled Batman.

"But I…" let out Robin.

"Shut up, Robin, be quiet!" hushed Batman, with all of them looking around.

"We are dealing with a madman, folks!" explained Batman in a serious tone."How bad could he be?" asked Gordon curiously.

"Bad," replied Batman, giving him a serious glare.

"This man has the power to become anyone, anything, anytime, anywhere. He was once a B-List actor, but one too many cosmetic surgeries turned him into the **ultimate** actor! And it isn't just transformation that makes him so terrifying, he is able to release an acid that could melt steel! He has the strength of Bane and Killer Croc combined! And not only that, but he is able to play anyone!"

"My god," replied Gordon, "We need to find him, quick, before he changes!"

"Too late, he probably already did!" explained Batman, "He is that good!"

"What are you, president of his fan club?" retorted Gordon.

"No, that would be…**your daughter!**" and then Batman threw down steamy pictures of Gordon's daughter and Clayface…together! Sexually! Intimate! Hotel!

"Barbara!" stammered Gordon in confused anger.

"Woah, I didn't know a paraplegic could be so limber," let out Robin, looking at the pictures.

"Easy, bird-brain!" growled Gordon.

"But now, he is here to f**k us!" announced Batman sternly, "Now listen, Gordon, or pornographies starring your daughter will be the last of our problems!"

He walked away as Robin and Gordon stared at him, with a dog howling in the background, and a woman's scream being followed afterwards.

"He is already here," hissed Batman, "I can feel it!"

Batman walked around, in deep thought, Gordon and Robin looking at each other and back at Batman.

Batman turned back around as lightning struck in the background, facing the two. "We are dealing with a madman, a psychopath, a leech. He is a being of pure evil and intuition! And he could even be here right now! He could be you! He could be me! He could even…be…"

He was interrupted as Gordon shot Batman in the head with his .44 Magnum, the Dark Knight falling on the pavement, a trail of blood fleeing from the head of the Dark Knight."Batman!" screamed Robin.

"Don't worry, Robin!" laughed Gordon, "It was obvious! He said it himself! Any second now, he'll turn all brown and goopy!"

The two stared at Batman's corpse on the pavement, Gordon tapped with it with his foot slightly, seeing that his best friend was killed for reals like.

"Oh, Batman," sighed Robin, giving a slight eulogy, "I knew thee well. Good night, sweet prince of the night, you King of Justice."

As Robin cried softly on Batman's corpse, Gordon looked around and walked back slightly as he dropped the gun on the road. Suddenly, his face began to melt, as well as his clothes and hair.

"I…I don't blame you…Gordon," sobbed Robin, with the Commissioner turning into the dreaded Clayface without the boy's notice. Robin growled as he got up, not bothering to look behind him, so clichéd.

"It was Clayface's fault!" growled Robin angrily, "I am going to find him and bring him to justice! I will find him! Wherever he is! …Gordon, any idea where I can find him?"

"Right behind you," gurgled Clayface, forming an axe-hand as Robin's eyes widened and gave a deep gulp. Then turned around and screamed as Clayface gave one last blow to the annoying bird boy.

Was this a dream? Was it reality? Or better known…canon? These questions, will always be unanswered…in the Banana Slug Zone.

* * *

><p><strong>The Riddler is a Dick!<strong>

Batman and Robin find themselves trapped in a room with all the walls replaced with rotating blades, ready to grate them like cheese.

From the ceiling was a large television screen. And on it, was the face of the Riddler, laughing at them, mocking them.

"Aha, I see Batman and his bird-brained companion with benefits are trapped in my riddle!" taunted the Riddler.

"This isn't a riddle, ass, it's a trap!" snapped Batman.

"Don't start," groaned Riddler in annoyance, he then explained, "Riddle me this, and you will escape from my trap and be free to live another day in your ignorant lives!"

"Riddler, stop being a dick!" snapped Robin.

Riddler looked down on him with a frustrated glare, "I am not a dick!"

"Um, yes, you kinda are," retorted Robin with a smirk."Nope, I am just intelligent," said the Riddler with pride.

"…That…kinda means you are a dick, Riddler," argued Batman quickly.

"Shut up!" snapped the Riddler, "Now, riddle me this. What has…"

"Don't tell him to shut up, you dick!" defended Robin.

"Stop talking so I can say my riddle, jerk!" yelled the Riddler.

"Don't call him a jerk, dick!" growled Batman.

"Stop calling me a dick!" yelled the Riddler, his hands on the monitor.

"We will," explained Batman, "When you stop being a dick."

"Ooooh, you burned him good, Batman!" laughed Robin.

"You mean, Bat-Burn, Robin!" corrected Batman with a smirk. They both high-fived each other as the Riddler growled and clenched his fists.

"Hey, stop high-fiving and solve my riddle!" ordered the Riddler angrily.

"You didn't tell us the riddle, dick!" argued the smug Robin.

"I didn't tell you yet!" roared the Riddler, "If you just SHUT UP, then I can finally tell you my riddle!""There you go again, you just told us to shut up again, DICK!" snapped Batman.

"Stop calling me a dick! This is your last warning, you hear me!" ranted the furious Riddler, "I! Am! The! God! Damn! Mastermind! You will SHUT UP or you will all die, understand! UNDERSTAND!"

Robin and Batman looked at each other and sighed, looking back at him and lethargically nodded. The Riddler smiled and nodded, turning his back.

"To help you with the riddle, I have captured a friend of yours to aid you," explained the Riddler, his back still turned, "Not that it will do you any good."

A glass container came out of the floor, revealing the vigilante Nightwing in the container for both Robin and Batman to see.

"Oh, hey, Dick!" greeted Robin.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" screamed the Riddler, throwing his cane on the ground and stomping on his hat.

"Problem?" asked Batman curiously.

"Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! GET OUT!" screamed the Riddler, who pushed a button, and the blades parted to reveal a large door, "I don't care right now, get out! I'll turn my own damn self in Arkham, for Pete's sake! OUT!"

The Riddler growled as he turned off the monitor and sighed, sitting on his green question mark-covered futon

The glass container opened as Nightwing looked around in confusion, Batman and Robin only gave him a confused shrug. They walked out of the room, with Robin muttering to Batman, "Boy, Riddler's a real dick!"

* * *

><p><strong>EPILOGUE<strong>

Clayface, at his apartment, was putting his favorite things in his suitcase, getting ready to run away to Bludhaven.

As he was putting a poster of "The Terror" in his suitcase, he looked at the table and saw a picture of him and Barbara Gordon at a French Restaurant, embracing each other.

He picked up the picture and looked lovingly at it, he gave it a kiss and let out one sentence of the situation.

"My Petite Chou-Fleur…"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yeah, so, the Clayface story is just a parody of the "Meet the Spy" video…OBVIOUSLY. So, that one wasn't really that creative, but I still had fun, yo! And that is all that matters, if you have fun!<strong>


	4. Pygs and Boo!

**The Banana Slug: I like me some Professor Pyg, he is a meme factory with disturbing undertones.**

**He will become very famous in the future, and the children will read comics and see our favorite wacko and love him, like I do, and he will be as famous as Penguin.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By the Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 4: Pygs and Boo!**

* * *

><p><strong>Professor Pyg is Shoppin'<strong>

At the Gotham City Crawl-Mart parking lot, a car covered in barbed wire parks next to a white and shiny white car. The door opens and scratches the white car with it's barbed wire.

The door revealed our own creepy Professor Pyg, licking the rim of his mask sexually as he jumped out the car.

"I need more bananas for sacrifice!" groaned Pyg, scratching his belly, "Or I will have to eat one of my Dollotrons, it is the only safe way! Ugh!"

He walked to the doors sensually, wagging his waist back and forth. He entered the mart to find ordinary people shopping with him. He was so happy, he liked ordinary people…to make better.

He skipped to the carts and pulled one out and skipped across the mart, shopping for groceries.

He began to put things into his cart happily, singing "**Piggies**" by "The Beatles", he put in the cart oranges, strawberries, ham, bacon, ham-hawks, diapers, plaster, a NERF gun, and a pitchfork.

He even grabbed a pound of stickers, but he kept on passing the bananas, picking up more things.

He stopped skipping when he noticed apple juice spilt on the floor on Aisle 4. He licked the rim of his mask and grunted, "I know it's wrong, but if it grows on the ground, I must have it, it is the only way!"

He rushed to the spill and began to lick the apple juice, panting loudly as he dabbed his tongue into the dirty apple juice puddle.

One kid saw what he did and gulped, peeing his shorts, scared of this lunatic. I cannot tell you the next part because this is a T-Rated fanfic, but let's just say he thought all liquid on the floor was apple juice.

The little boy ran away in fear from the strange man, licking the linoleum floor. Professor Pyg skipped back to his cart and continued to stroll down the aisles happily.

"Mmmmm, Piggy loves free samples!" chuckled the disturbed villain, as he grabbed an Xbox game and opened the case, he put the disc into his mouth and began to chew on it.

Blood spurted out his mouth with every chew, but he didn't even notice the pain, he was too busy eating a disc.

A store security guard got an anonymous tip from a small boy about a strange man in the store, he found Pyg eating the disc, blood dripping from his lips.

The guard stomped towards Pyg and grabbed his shoulder, "Alright, buddy, I think you should go now, and you better buy that game!"

"I'm so sorry!" squealed Professor Pyg, "It's just, the game, I heard it was really good, I couldn't control myself, I had to eat it, you see?"

"Guy, do I need to get physical with you?" threatened the guard, squeezing Pyg's shoulder, "Or are you going to come with me without a fuss!"

"Listen here, little Johnny," threatened Professor Pyg with a dark hiss, "Let me go, or I will call Tiamat with her ever-changing genitalia to turn you into a formless mass of marmosets and lost dreams!"

The guard let go of his arm and screamed like a little girl. "Oh my god, he knows my name!" He screamed again and ran away, with Professor Pyg smiling as he watched him run.

"Oh, little children fear so easily," sighed Professor Pyg, he then returned to his shopping, grabbing a pack of blank CD's into his cart and skipped around.

After getting everything but banana's, he got to the counter. Oh sure, he got a Banana Slug, but no Bananas.

He began to put his random junk on the counter, with the store clerk looking at him with fear and suspicion, she heard rumors of this beast of psychopaths. She looked at him as she checked all his items, the Professor drooling and a yellow liquid staining his lips, mixed with trickles of red ones.

"Um, okay," she let out, still looking at him, "That'll be…$1024.46..."

Professor Pyg scoffed and yelled out, "How dare you charge me that much! I didn't even take that many things!"

"Well, I c-c-could probably luh-look the other w-w-w-w-way…" she stuttered fearfully as the Pyg leaned in at her slowly, "By, uh, g-g-giving you a half-off duh-duh-duh-discount…"

"That means I will have to pay $512, you fat ninny!" yelled the Professor. He groaned and oinked as he fell on the ground, as if writhing in pain, grabbing his mask.

"My Mommy Made of Nails will hit me if I don't get this right!" he sobbed loudly, "Why do you hate me? I want everyone perfect! But nothing I ever do is GOOD ENOUGH!"

"Okay, okay!" she let out in fear, "How about I give a 75% discount? Okay? Will you leave then!"

"What, that means I will still have to pay $256!" screamed the Pyg angrily, "How about I just piss on your face and force you to dance around happily!"

She looked at him with fear, trembling a bit, quickly looking away, then whispering, "If you do, will you please leave?"

The Professor Pyg replied with a slowly forming smile, his eyes peering into her frightened eyes.

I am afraid that is where I have to stop, as Professor Pyg is a character that cannot be put in a Teen-rated fanfic properly, as this is the best I could do.

Let's just say it ends with Professor Pyg crashing into a moving truck and the cashier getting Hepatitis P.

* * *

><p><strong>The Scarecrow is Scary<strong>

It was a rainy night in Gotham City, the Penguin was in his room, sitting on a comfy chair and reading a well-written book. He heard a faint tap at the window, looking over his shoulder with a swish from his comfy chair, he saw nothing but rain hitting the window.

He shrugged and continued to read the perfect cookbook and a good read for socialites, "A Modest Proposal."

He heard another slight tap on the window and looked over, seeing a dark figure looking through menacingly at him.

"Batman, get out of here!" yelled Penguin in annoyance.

"Oops, sorry!" He quickly jumped away, leaving Penguin's window and went back to fighting crime.

Penguin sighed happily and learned how to cook babies from his very informative book. He cracked his neck and fell deeper into his seat. He looked over to the fireplace to see something that made his heart jump…

…

IT WAS SCARCROW!1! See, I made a reference, if you got it, you're cool.

The Penguin screamed loudly and fell on the floor, hitting the fuzzy carpet as the Scarecrow stared at him with a wide grin on his face.

"What the bloody hell is wrong with you!" yelled the Penguin angrily.

"Scared you…didn't I?" hissed the Scarecrow.

"No bloody spit, Sherlock!" screamed the Penguin.

They stayed there, awkwardly silent as they looked at each other. Penguin was nervous, while the Scarecrow was just standing there without a care.

"GET OUT!" hollered the Penguin furiously.

"'Kay," replied the Scarecrow casually, who got up and walked out the door to his room. The Penguin got up and angrily muttered curses at the now-gone Scarecrow.

**Three Hours Later**

In the kitchen without a care in the whole damn world, Penguin was frying up some sardines on a pan, whistling a tune out loud without a care. He heard the doorbell ring, he smiled as he left the sardines on the pan.

He waddled to the door and opened it, revealing Scarecrow holding the bloody corpse of a dog, with the man covered in the dog's blood.

Penguin screamed like a little girl at this sight of horror. Oh sure, he's seen some crazy things, but the dog's eyeball was hanging out.

"I killed your dog," said the Scarecrow casually.

"I don't have a dog, you psychopath!" roared the Penguin.

"…Oh," replied the Scarecrow, "Sooo, that little girl wasn't your daughter then…"

"…Wait, what little girl?" asked the Penguin in confusion. The Scarecrow looked around and stared at Penguin, replying with a shrug.

"Look, one scare is fine, but two is pushing it, Crane!" argued the Penguin, "Now, leave me alone, I am planning a bank robbery tomorrow and I wish not to be disturbed!"

He slammed the door on the Scarecrow's face, him just standing there in the rain as the dog's head fell off. The Scarecrow turned away and began to walk away, but when he heard police sirens, he turned to the other direction and ran away.

**Five Hours Later**

It was midnight, and the Penguin was already done with his shower, only wearing a black towel with a white penguin symbol on it. He whistled happily as he walked back into his large and comfy room.

When he opened the door slowly, he saw with a fright the Scarecrow holding a knife and the disembodied head of Kyon from _The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya_, with his dead and bleeding corpse right next to the Scarecrow's feet.

The Penguin gave one last giant scream of fear and terror, and with this lack of concentration, his towel fell on the ground.

The Scarecrow looked down at the Penguin's crotch, he frowned and dropped the head and knife, putting his hands on his face and screaming like Macaulay Culkin.

He leapt out the window, crashing through it with a large crashy sound. Falling down on his body, he weakly got up with many cuts and bruises, and began to limp away from Penguin's mansion.

"Yeah, you better get the hell away from me!" screamed the Penguin, "You wack-job!" He waddled to the lifeless body of Kyon, shaking his head and sighing sadly. He knelt down and patted his dead corpse.

"I loved that show," sighed the Penguin, "What a waist…"

Then, he looked around quickly, making sure no one saw him, and then dragged the body of Kyon into the bathroom with a sinister grin…

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yeah, god, I wanted to put this up on Halloween, but I got side-tracked and now, it's up…not on Halloween…<strong>

**I have failed you all…(picks up gun and shoots himself in the eye)(Screams in pain)**


	5. Kill R Croc's

**The Banana Slug: My message to the guys. You guys screwed me over, the SHIFT + ENTER crap doesn't work!**

**You guys probably don't read the stories, mainly because we are the little people. Yes, you are racist to midgets!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got Batrolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 5: Kill R. Crocs!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kill R. Crocs<strong>

In the Gotham downtown, there was a large run-down building, covered in peeling yellow paint, broken glass, and a large sign with a cartoon crocodile eating a pizza, with the words saying, "KILL R. CROCS", underneath it.

Inside was a coalition of broken arcade games, dirty floors, cracked tables, no chairs, "Alice Cooper" music in the background, blood on the walls, and a gift stand full of broken vases, poorly made cotton dolls, and a broken TV.

Standing behind the counter was Killer Croc, wearing an outfit too small for him, covered in blood. He has been standing there, motionless for two hours, twenty-four minutes, and fifty-five seconds, staring at the door with such determination that it could make Detective Stabler jealous.

A female employee, about the age of seventeen with braces and freckles, was cleaning the linoleum floors with a dirty mop. She was nerdy, but the kind of nerdy that even though she had large braces and freckles, you'd still want to make sweet vigorous and animalistic love to.

"Moira, did we get any customers yet?" growled Killer Croc.

"Not yet, Mr. Jones," replied Moira with a groan, "Not since we opened."

"Alright, but if you screw up, I'll eat you," growled Killer Croc, "Like Lucas, he was a jokester, but he learned how to stop…after I ate him…"

"Yes sir, you ate him," replied a bored Moira, "I remember, the blood, the screaming, the kid getting shocked, it's all coming back to me."

"…Watch that sass, I got your scent," growled Killer Croc with a glare.

They both looked at the door to see the Joker and Harley Quinn walking in the restaurant. "Hola, Croc ol' boy! Joker here, and I want some pizza!"

Moira walked to the couple and greeted with no effort, "Welcome to Kill R. Croc's, where the cheese is melting off the bone. Follow me and I'll show you to your table."

The Joker and Harley followed Moira as Joker continuously pulled a "flat-tire" prank on her multiple times in his and Harley's amusement, Moira just ignored it.

"Here is your table," said Moira, showing them a cracked table with a puke stain on it.

"Where are my gosh-darn seats?" interrogated the Joker.

"Yeah, you expect us to kneel?" asked Harley Quinn.

"Sorry, that's what you will have to do," replied Moira, "Killer Croc doesn't believe in chairs that crack under his weight and we are currently looking for larger chairs."

"You dumb bimbo, no chair is gonna fit that fat-ass!" argued the Joker.

"I'm gonna rip your anus out and sprinkle it with pepper if you keep on saying that, clown!" yelled Killer Croc.

"I'll know when you'll attack, chubs, the tuba plays whenever you walk!" taunted the Joker, "AH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!"

"I'll eat you with a nice Chianti and fava beans!" roared Killer Croc.

"Alright, alright, please, let's not fight," Harley Quinn said, trying to calm the two, "We can just kneel, okay?"

"Kneel, in this suit?" questioned a flabbergasted Joker, then sighing and growling, "I better expect a happy ending to this terrible date."

The two kneel in front of the table and waited as the waitress walked over to the table. "So, what can I get you two for this evening?" asked Moira, tapping her foot slightly.

"We will have a large pizza with cheese-stuffed crust, with one side pepperoni and anchovies, the other…Harley, what do you want?"

"Pineapple and sausage, Mr. J," replied Harley with a smile.

"…Pineapple?" let out an offended Joker, "What is wrong with you!"

"But…you like pineapple," cried Harley."Yes, but not in pizza!" ranted the Joker, "Who in Grant Morrison's name would want fruit with their pizza! It's…it's…disgusting! Just thinking about it disgusts me!"

"Are you finished?" sighed Moira.

"Keep your fat mouth shut, I'm almost done!" yelled the Joker. He then continued to berate a hurt Harley, "And further more, who orders it with sausage, pizza is not a place for fruit, except tomatoes, and it shouldn't be spoiled with meat! You disgust me, you filthy, filthy woman!"

After a minute of a heavy panting Joker and a slightly teary-eyed Harley, he turned to Moira and said, "Yes, one large stuffed crust pizza with one side pepperoni and anchovies and the other side pineapple and sausage."

"Anything else?" asked Moira.

"Yes, some extra hot wings, a couple of breadsticks, and a salad for the lady," replied the Joker, then whispering loudly, "Y'know, cause I don't want a hippo for a girlfriend." Harley heard, she was not satisfied nor flattered.

"Right on it," sighed Moira, as she walked away, Joker leaned over and took a mental picture of her rear.

"Dump me right here, why don't ya!" sobbed Harley. "I was just wondering if she'd be good for a threesome," excused the Joker.

"Oh, Mr. J, how considerate!" squealed Harley with delight.

"Please, shut up," said the Joker passionately, "You should be smooched, not heard."

* * *

><p><strong>WE INTERRUPT THIS FANFIC TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE<strong>

"Boo!" said the Scarecrow.

**THAT WAS POINTLESS, BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED CRAP**

* * *

><p>Joker and Harley waited for their pizza as two new customers came in, it was Batman and Robin, Joker and the Bat gave each other a cold stare as the two vigilantes walked to the seatless tables. Batman took a kneel in front of said table as Robin started running around like a kid who drank ten gallons of carbonated soda.<p>

"I want a quarter, give me a quarter," demanded the Joker monotonously.

"I only have a $100 dollar bill, puddin'," told Harley. Joker then reached into her purse and pulled out her $100 dollar bill and ran away with it, Harley was not amused.

Joker rushed over to the change converter and began to flatten it over and over as Robin jumped up and down behind him holding two $1 dollar bills.

"Hurry up, old man!" whined Robin.

"Piss off!" growled the Joker.

"Just put it in!" yelled Robin…that's what she said.

"Don't get your panties in a knot, brat!" growled the Joker.

"I! WANT! MY! TOKENS!" screamed Robin as he jumped up and down more vigorously.

"Hey, you want to end up like the last one?" threatened the Joker.

Robin subsequently stopped bouncing up and down and stayed quite. "Good little bait," complimented the Joker, who put his dollar in and held out a bag as a torrent of tokens fell into it. "Jackpot, bizznitch!" laughed the Joker.

Robin looked at his dollar bills, then leered at Batman, who responded with a quick flash of his middle finger. As Joker walked away with his sack of coins, Robin walked over and put his dollar bills into it, getting eight tokens. He sighed and slumped away."Be grateful I decided to keep you, brat!" shouted the Batman.

Joker rushed to a Contra arcade game and put in his tokens, getting sucked into the world of Contra, full of unimaginable hardness and a code that goes…

"Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A." See, I helped someone today, now I will go to heaven.

Robin however, rushed to "Dance Dance Revolution", and began to stomp on beautifully colored arrows with flamboyant techno music.

"Gay!" shouted out Batman. "Leave me alone!" yelled back Robin.

As the nerd waitress with sass put the Joker's order on his table, Batman watched her for a long time, before slamming his fist on the table. "It's my birthday!" he simply shouted. Moira sighed and excused herself, and it was at that moment Harley forgot to order refreshments.

Moira walked over and stood at his table, she removed her top to reveal her chest, covered by a grey sports bra, she sighed again and shook her shoulders back and forth and sang quite unenthusiastically, "Happy birthday, it's your birthday, happy birthday, it's your birthday."

Batman sported a perverted smile with a devious glare to top it off as he ogled her. Joker ran over to the table and shouted, "It's my birthday too!"

"No, you lie!" roared Batman as he kept watching Moira's half-hearted striptease.

"I wanna see boobies too!" yelled the Joker.

"What am I, chopped liver?" argued Harley Quinn.

"Harley, I've seen your milkshakes so many times that I am starting to look at the flaws only," replied the Joker calmly with a smile, "If you want this relationship to work, I need to see other women's boobs so that I can see yours in a positive light."

"That does not make a lick of sense!" ranted Harley Quinn.

"Would a smack in the mouth make sense?" threatened the Joker with a smile and a raised brow. Harley was scared.

"Moira!" yelled Killer Croc from the prize stand, "I told you to lose the bra! Let them meat-balloons fly!"

Moira stopped and turned to Killer Croc, Batman was displeased. "Okay, that is not part of the contract I signed, you said I only show my bra and no skin, I have some dignity!"

"What dignity! You are working for a killer crocodile!" yelled the Joker.

"It's my goddamn bat-birthday," growled the Batman with a scowl.

"And you also said that you'd get me a costume to hide myself, what if my friends walk in!" argued Moira.

Killer Croc then lifted up a pink stripper outfit, Moira just looked at him with disdain and said, "Yeah, no, that ain't happening."

"Waiter! Waiter!" called out the Joker, "There is an eyeball in my pizza slice!" He held the slice as the eyeball fell off the pizza slice and bounced on the floor.

Robin walked to the prize stand and held out fifteen tickets, "Um, what can I get with these?"

"A secret," replied the croc menacingly, then opening a door behind him, "Follow me."

Suddenly, Gordon and other members of the GCPD burst into the restaurant, guns pointing at Killer Croc, the Joker, Harley, and Moira, who was covering herself with a bright red glow on her face.

Batman looked around and quickly got up awkwardly, "Um, uh, good thing you came, Gordon!" he announced with a pose.

"I see you found out that Killer Croc has been using this as a front to settle his cannibalistic urges," revealed Gordon with a smirk, "That he has been taking people behind that door and killing them, putting them into the food and eating them."

Robin looked at the door with surprise, then backed away slowly, dropping the tickets. "Now that is a sticky situation! NYA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAH!" laughed the Joker.

"Alright, arrest Waylon Jones!" ordered Gordon, "For twenty counts of murder, kidnapping, destruction of property, and cooking…without a license."

"And you might wanna slap sexualization of a minor," added Batman, "I think that girl might still be in high school."

"Just so you know, I am not an accomplice!" added a nervous Moira, "I'm just a hapless employee!"

Joker and Harley watched as Killer Croc was dragged away by Bullock and Montoya, and Batman and Robin laughing with Gordon. Joker turned to Harley and said, "See? Don't I always pick the best date spots?"

"Oh, Mr. J!" she squealed with love, hugging the Joker as he patted her head.

"Now, one more thing," said the Joker calmly.

"Yeah?" squeaked Harley with a flutter in her voice.

He paused, then giving out the most wicked of grins, enough that it could shatter plate glass it was so wicked and disturbing...

"Where's my happy ending?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: YES! FINALLY! AFTER MONTHS! I HAVE DONE ANOTHER CHAPTER!<strong>

**You don't know how hard it was to get off my lazy ass and do some writing! I feel so overjoyed!**

**The Scarecrow: Boo!**

**The Banana Slug: NOT NOW!**


	6. You're Not My Real Father

**The Banana Slug: I love Voltaire, especially his song "God Thinks", damn, I love that song, it is exactly what I think about religion and believers.**

**Now, go listen to "God Thinks" and picture a disgusting Banana Slug singing it! :D**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By the Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 6: You're not my real father**

* * *

><p><strong>Simon Hurt Is Not My Father!<strong>

Bruce Wayne was reading "Sin City" in his study, drinking cocoa and listening to lounge music as he wore nothing but his black robe with a bat symbol on the chest, with a bowl of Cheetos on the counter.

He looked from his graphic novel and saw the Bat-Signal in the sky, calling out for justice!

He leaped from the chair and threw his graphic novel in the trash, signifying of how the mighty fall from the grace of admiration because of a great and terrible mistake that shouldn't have happened in the first place.

"Let. It. Go," sighed Batman. Ok.

He goes to his bust of Shakespeare and lifts the head back, then pushing the button inside. He watches as the bookcase pulls back and reveals a set of poles leading downwards, Batman jumped on one and slide the whole way down, and somehow got dressed in his Batsuit as he slid down the pole and landed in his batastic Batcave.

He pushed a button and a large door parted to reveal the Batmobile, ready for a night of crime-busting.

Before Batman could reach his car, he heard a loud and stern, "And just where do you think _you_ are going, young man?"Batman quickly turned around and sighed when he saw Simon Hurt, the leader of the villainous Black Glove and somehow possessed by a demon, sitting on a lounge chair and reading the newspaper with a pipe in his mouth, smiling calmly.

"Simon, I will have to ask you to get the eff out of my cave," growled Batman, "I am in no mood for your crap."

"Is that any way to talk to your father?" taunted Simon, putting the newspaper down.

"For the last time, you are not my dad," groaned Batman, shaking his head in distaste, "Now get your crazy ass out!"

"Don't make me ground you!" scolded Doctor Hurt, who then asked, "Now, where are you going?"

"I am going to save people!" growled Batman hatefully.

"Alright, but be back home at 11:00 PM exactly," said Simon Hurt with his finger wagging in the air.

"It's 11:32 PM, wackjob!" argued Batman.

"Watch your tone in front of your father!" scolded Simon Hurt.

"You are not my father, retard!" yelled Batman.

"And all the things I do for you, what would your mother think?" continued Simon Hurt with a smile.

"My mother is dead, you should know that, crap-for-brains!" yelled Batman angrily.

"Yes, because I hired that thug to kill her and fake my death," giggled Simon Hurt.

Batman glared at him with an immature scowl. "You are some piece of work, y'know that, right?"

Simon Hurt replied with a nod and an interrupted speech, "Yes, and I am also your…"

"DO! NOT! SAY! ANOTHER! WORD!" roared Batman angrily, "You are not Thomas Wayne! You are just some nutsack that is trying to get me angry!"

"And I have succeeded," replied a calm Simon Hurt.

"AHA! You **admit** you are not my dad!" laughed an annoyed Batman, pointing at Hurt.

"No, I admitted I made you mad, not that I am not your father," defended Simon Hurt, "You are just trying to get out of this can of worms…and failing."

"Oh no, you will not make me look like an idiot, Hurt!" argued Batman.

"My son, I already have," replied a smug Simon Hurt.

"I am not your son and you are not my dad!" yelled Batman.

"Denial, denial, denial," sighed an amused Simon Hurt, "Not just a river in Egypt."

Batman growled and gave a death-glare that could freeze fire, "Look, I have no time for your crap, Gotham needs me, and when I get back, I want your crazy ass out of my Batcave!""What about him?" asked Simon Hurt, pointing to a lounge chair across from him, revealing Batman's current anti-thesis, Hush, reading a Vogue Magazine. He looks at Batman and gives him a nod.

"What is he doing here!" roared Batman at Simon Hurt.

"What? He's your best friend, correct?" put in Simon Hurt peacefully."He pretended to be my best friend and is a complete and utter butt-face!" argued Batman.

"Maybe he was just playing," defended Simon Hurt.

"Yeah," added Hush with a fist to the air.

"He killed a hunchback I liked, invaded my personal space, and cut my girlfriend's heart out!" argued Batman, jabbing his finger at Hurt's direction.

"Maybe you stole his necklace again," defended Simon Hurt, "Like the bad friend you are."

"Yeah," added Hush with a fist to the air.

"I did not, and that was just a ploy he had so that he could pretend to be my, quote and quote, best friend," groaned Batman, ending it with a scratch to his cowl.

"Maybe you promised that his parents will survive and his dad died and his nagging mother lived," defended Simon Hurt, "I did my best, but you did worse, you lied."

"Yeah," added Hush with a fist to the air.

"You shut up!" snapped Batman, pointing at Hush and spit releasing from his lips from the intensity of his rage. Hush stared at Batman and stuck his tongue at him before returning to read his Vogue Magazine. "She's got nice cheekbones," Hush muttered to himself.

"And besides, you and I both know he hated his parents with a passion," argued Batman.

"Yes, I know…because I am your father," egged Simon Hurt.'

"YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER!" screamed Batman, almost in a bipolar fashion.

"Calm down, my son, we can talk about this," mockingly reassured Simon Hurt.

"YOU NO FATHER! GO EAT PINEAPPLES! WAH!" roared Batman in angrish.

"Go eat pineapples?" asked Hush.

"GET OUTTA HERE BEFORE I IS THE BAD MAN!" roared an angrish Batman, and in a fit of rage, began to throw things across the Batcave, including the Batwing all the way to the fake Tyrannosaurus Rex, roaring in anger. Hush and Simon just watched his tantrum with disinterest, with Batman falling on his knees in tired rage, panting heavily. "I hate you sooo much that…flames…flames…on the side of my face," panted Batman, "…heaving…heaving flames…breathing…"

"…I think you need to lie down, Bruce," said a calm and smug Simon Hurt, with his hands on his lap.

Batman glared at him and got up, "Beat me," was what he replied as he brushed off dust from his carnage of rage, walking to his Batmobile, stopping at the door. He took a deep breath and said, "I am going to release my anger on the criminals of Gotham now, and when I get back, you will leave my cave and never bother me again, or I will hurt you."

The Dark Knight opened the car door and got in, slamming the door roughly, followed by the engines flaring up as it drove away, leaving the two calm criminals to watch it disappear from sight.

After Batman left the two, they returned reading their materials. Simon Hurt looked over to see Hush reading Vogue, he sighed and asked hesitantly, "Are you…reading Vogue?"

Hush looked over the magazine and replied, "Obviously.""…Why?" interrogated a confused Simon Hurt. Hush replied with a soft shrug and returned to reading, Hurt just looked at him for a time and returned to reading the newspaper, his interest was peaked at an article about a scandal with Lex Luthor and a teenager by the name of Connor Kent…

* * *

><p><strong>Ceiling Catwoman<strong>

It was a tall Gotham building ledge where Catwoman stood on, looking down at WayneCorp, flicking her whip around with her hand on her hips.

She jumps down with a smile on her face, quickly grabbing a ledge with her whip and landing on the side of the wall, jumping up the building with her claws digging into the concrete, which seems impossible…if you think about it…right?

She quickly reaches the rooftop, spotting a nearby ventilation shaft, patting her face and patting her curled-up whip against her sides.

"Doesn't look too hard, now does it?" remarked Catwoman in a playful boredom. She walked to the shaft and pulled out from a satchel on her costume a screwdriver. Individually she unscrewed the bolts, and after an agonizing ten minutes, mainly because the bolts were screwed in so neatly, I mean, almost impossibly neatly…Anywho, after all that, she grabbed the grate and threw it against the roof, jumping into the shaft.

She crawled down the shaft's corridors, looking for her intended location in the building. It wasn't till she heard a distant groaning in the distance did she realize that she was almost there. She smiled with confidence as she crawled down the shaft quickly.

Soon, she found another grate, directly above her objective. She quickly unscrewed the bolts, which I will say was much easier than the ones on the roof.

She made sure it did not fall down and set it aside in the ventilation shaft soundlessly. She poked her head out vertically and watched Batman, smiling, staring, waiting. She smiled during the whole thing, not saying a single word.

Batman didn't even notice her, and she made sure of that as she spied on him with pleasure, biting her lower lip.

She waited, waited until he was finished. After she was sure herself, she cleared her throat loudly to get his attention. It worked, with Batman looking at her with an embarrassed expression.

"Um, hello…Selina…" he let out.

"Mmm, hi Bruce," she purred.

"So, uh, did you, uh, y'know?" he sheepishly asked.

"Yes, I did," she replied casually.

"Hm…I see," he grunted, looking away.

There was an uncomfortable silence as she stared at him, softly smiling.

"You sure do like Rouge the Bat, eh?" she asked with a tilt of her head.

"Um…mhm," was what Batman replied, covering his mouth with his wrists.

Another uncomfortable silence appeared, Batman looking around, not looking at Catwoman, who was…just…staring at him. And for a second, no foolin', I thought she looked at me.

"Y'know, I have a Rouge the Bat costume at my place when I went down to San Diego, Batman," added Catwoman casually.

"…Oh?" inquired Batman, raising his brow.

"Come by at midnight, and I can make your dreams come true," she enticed, ending with a her head slowly returned to the shaft, Batman yelled out with amazement, "You're incredible," giving Catwoman a trollishly perverted smile and a chest full of pride.

As she crawled down the shaft, she sighed and said with a laugh, "Damn, Batman needs to learn how to stop…and go."

"LAAAAAME!" shouted Lucius Fox, as he was in the bathroom, on the can…crapping.

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

Simon Hurt and Hush continued to read on the lounge chairs in the destroyed Batcave, not talking to each other. Hush put down his Vogue magazine and picked up a Glamour magazine, reading it now.

"Hey, Tommy, what is a four letter word that you'd call a best friend," asked Simon Hurt, who was filling out crosswords.

"Dick," replied Hush quickly, getting into his issue of Glamour.

"Oh, yes, and what about a seven-letter word for a son?" asked Simon Hurt, filling in "Dick".

"Crybaby," replied Hush again.

"Thank you, that one seems so obvious now," sighed Simon Hurt, filling it in.

They both looked to see Batman's mobile drive into the cave, with him getting out with a strange sadistic smile on.

"Oh, hi guys, I see you are still in my cave, correct?" interrogated a strangely cheery Batman.

"Yes we are, Bruce," replied a calm Simon Hurt.

"Even though I have given you the opportune moment to leave, correct?" he continued, his smile almost rivaling the Joker's.

"Mhm," casually replied Hush.

"Well, since I knew you would not leave, I have decided to force my hand, and you wanna know how?" Batman now sported a glare to go with his insane grin.

In unison, Simon Hurt and Hush both shrugged and looked at him with disinterest. Batman then moved out of the way to reveal…Frank Millar's All Star Batman! Both Simon Hurt and Hush looked at each other with concern and back at Batman.

"Really? You had to bring…that?" asked Simon with a crack in his voice.

"Oh, hell yeah," chuckled Batman.

"Hell to the mutha-f#*$in' yeah, I'm the God-damn Batman!" growled All-Star Batman. The two intruders gave a loud gulp and began to sweat profusely, scratching their arms and necks.

"Well, as I let you three get acquainted," said a confident Batman as he climbed up the stairs, "I'm gonna go and have sex with Catwoman."

He closed the door behind him, his smile grew when he heard blood-curdling screams, stuff being smashed, and even a few bones breaking, and possibly an appendage ripping out.

Sure, he knew he'd have a lot of damage due to his psychotic counterpart's rage, but he can easily rebuild it with the help of Harold Allnut, his faithful hunchback mechanic that was oh so bright and…

"Wait a minute," groaned Batman, "Hush killed my hunchback."_

* * *

><p><strong>TheBananaSlug: Whoopsie-Daisy! Sorry for the spoilers to those that haven't read Batman: Hush. :P<strong>

**Also, recently, I heard DC got into another Relaunch, I paid no mind to it that much, but I heard people complain about Catwoman and Starfire's sexuality.**

**My opinion, Catwoman should be very, very, very sexy, but not to the point of overtly chauvinist, and yes, I do believe Batman and Catwoman DO hit it off once in a while, it's Catwoman, for Moore's sake!**

**P.S. And about Starfire…yeah, I do believe the writers made her into a ho for no good reason. Pisses me off! ):[**


	7. Stop Eating Plants

**The Banana Slug: I have no beef with PETA, I think it is a good organization fighting for a just cause, good for them…HOWEVER, I do not support their urging, and sometimes slanderizing, need for people to be vegans, going so far by calling our own dear lovin' moms Rabbit-Killers.**

**I will eat my meat and pet my cat, you don't have to be a vegan to like animals. Why did I bring this up? No reason. Just wanted to sound like a dick.**

**SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: Snowflame from the New Guardians…As if anyone knew about that comic before Linkara reviewed it, I didn't even know about it. |:[**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 7: Stop Eating Plants!**

* * *

><p><strong>No More Vegans!<strong>

It was a quite Gotham night, with a environmental protection group meeting in the local gym. There had to be at least forty-ten environmentalists that night, with one more up at the podium, all of them cheering to him.

"Hello, everybody, settle down, settle down," calmed the organizer, his name was Rocky, "I know it's been a tough time, man, with corporations like Wayne Enterprises, GothCorp, and let's not forget, LexCorp, not going with our demands for a more eco-friendly business plan, man!"

They all shouted in agreement, their hairy pits visible as they raised their fists in the air, I'm sure it would be more meaningful if it was ten thousand fists, but it wasn't.

"It is time for us to get serious, man, no more smoking pot all day!" shouted Rocky, they all gasped at his last statement, "It's time to fight back, mano e mano! We need to get serious about this, man, we all can't be like Martin Luther King Jr. or Gandhi, we need to be like George Washington, man, like, revolutionary, man!"

They all shouted in pride, ready to change the world with their one-sided and economically damaging demands. Rocky nodded at this show of pride and held his palm out to calm the crowd.

"Alright, dudes, settle down, let me speak, man," called out Rocky, "We can't do this alone, which is why a bailed out a patient of Arkham with my kid's college fund to help us out, man."

He moved away from the curtain, a drum roll playing from the speakers. "I present you the savior of the world, Miss Pamela Isley…or better known as, man, Poison Ivy!" The curtains parted to reveal…

…

SCARECROW!

He was standing there with a dumb grin. A deep silence welcomed him, along with glares and pouts. "Hey, get Worzel Gummidge off the stage!" shouted one person in anger, the crowd agreed. In defeat, Scarecrow slumped his head and walked away from the stage.

"Sorry, guys, let's try it again," groaned Rocky, the drum roll returned as he announced, "Well, welcome, our savior, Poison Ivy!"

A large plant vine with a large pod in the end broke through the stage, scaring a decent amount of the crowd. It lowered the pod down and opened, revealing the incredibly sexy Poison Ivy, lowering down onto the stage.

They all cheered at her presence, she soaked it up as she posed in front of them all. "Thank you, thank you," she called out after swiping the microphone, "You do not know how good that feels."

They all settled down as Poison Ivy waited for them to, looking at her nails. "Well, I am honored to be here, I truly am, I am one-hundred percent in with your cause for a more eco-friendly world, saving all our beautiful plants from mankind's cruelty…"

They all cheered at her speech, Rocky walked up to her and patted her back, much to her disgust. "That's right, man, plant and animal working together to save the world!"

Poison Ivy's plant released multiple vines to grab Rocky by the neck, lifting him up and slowly hanging him, Rocky gasping for air. The crowd was shocked, except for one man, who was asleep.

"I wasn't finish, meat-bags!" yelled Poison Ivy, she then sighed and stomped her foot, "I am trying to finish but you morons will not let me finish!"

She looked at Rocky, struggling and gasping for air, she sighed and snapped her fingers. The plant dropped Rocky, breathing loudly, but stopped breathing so loudly after a cold glare from Poison Ivy.

"You see, I love that you want to save the world's plants," continued Poison Ivy, "But how can you all be so god-damned hypocritical!"

One female hippie raised her arm and spoke out, "But we aren't! We recycle, we conserve energy, and we don't eat meat."

"Exactly!" called out Poison Ivy, pointing at the female hippie, "You are eating my babies like horrid beasts, chewing them down like the abominations you are!"

She continued, green tears in her eyes. "I constantly hear my babies, screaming in pain, crying for mercy! I hear them in agony as you rip their fruits from the trees, and I hear them wishing them to die as you murder and eat their children, only to carelessly throw their corpses in the trash! Poor harmless beans coagulated to make your precious tofu so that you won't eat meat! I eat meat, and I enjoy it! It's me! Getting revenge! Suck it!"

"But why would you eat a harmless little animal!" called out a big fat eco-terrorist.

"Why would you eat a poor harmless pod full of baby plants?" retorted Poison Ivy, "If you can't respond with a better question, than shut up!""The Earth gives us the plants as a gift!" pleaded another crowd member, he looked a lot like David Grohl.

"That is the stupidest thing in the world, shut up!" yelled Poison Ivy, "If I went to your house, ate your dog, without you saying a word, would you consider that a gift to me?"

"Um, no, not really, also I have a cat," replied the David Grohl-esque crowd member.

"Don't care," replied Poison Ivy, "I am saying how do you know if they want you to take their babies and eat them, they don't talk to you. I do, and they hate it!"

"But, if they don't want us to take them, why do they grow?" asked a female eco-warrior, who was breast-feeding her child.

"Oh, since you put it in that way, give me your baby," replied Poison Ivy.

"Why?" asked the eco-warrior."I'm hungry," hissed Poison Ivy. The eco-warrior looked at her with horror, quickly getting up and running out of the building, child in hand.

"Wait…so you eat meat?" asked a crowd member.

"Of course I do, pigs, cow, dog, human," listed Poison Ivy, then chuckling and saying in a seductive tone, "Nothing does my day good than having a nice big piece of meat in my mouth."

"Aaaaah yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!" shouted out a crowd-member, he then realized what he said and sat back down, "Sorry, my bad, continue."

"You see, you are doing just as much harm as you help," ranted Poison Ivy, "You can't help the Earth no matter what you do!"

"But…what **can** we do to save the world?" shouted out a crowd-member.

"Die!" she hissed in a nefarious tone. Suddenly, vine tentacles jutted from the ground and began to kill all the forty-ten environmentalists…sorry, it's thirty-ten now.

"Stop, man, this is so not cool!" shouted Rocky.

Poison Ivy looked at him with a smile as blood and screams filled the gym. She walked over to him and grabbed his face, smirking and giving a deep kiss in the mouth, for a whole two minutes as the carnage was carrying out.

After the two minutes, she stood before him as he knelt in front of her, smiling in a dumb loves-truck fashion. "Wow…" bashfully said Rocky, but then began to choke and cough violently, struggling to breath on the ground, "But…why?"

"I may be evil, but I'm not evil enough to steal from my children, ass," replied Poison Ivy spitefully, looking down at the man with disdain.

* * *

><p><strong>Snowflame Is Watching You Read<strong>

In the darkest part of Gotham, there laid an abandoned amusement park, which was home to the insidious Joker, and his evil and chaotic ilk.

In the funhouse, there was a room made to be the Joker's office, full of gadgets, pictures of the Joker, and a large bed for him and Harley. In it, the Joker, Harley, and his various henchmen were huddled to a table, looking at a map of Gotham City.

"Now, here is my plan, kiddies," explained Joker, pointing at various points in the map, "What we are going to do is something very simple! You are going to set a bomb full of Joker venom at the local elementary school, and another at the Gotham Medical, and a final one down at the Arts Festival. The crème de resistance, of course, will be me and my men hijacking the local news station and tell ALL of Gotham that I have set up said bombs in said locations…"

"But, wouldn't that reveal the whole plan, Mr. J?" asked Harley Quinn, "Y'know, tell them where we are gonna be settin' the bombs so that they'll know our whole plan?"

"Harley, do you just speak words without even listening to your damn self?" asked a disgruntled Joker, then continuing with his plan, "I will of course, say that if they attempt to lead people out of the area, I will blow those areas up, same if anyone attempts to enter the news building. I will then give people a number to text whether to let the people live or not."

"Why would you do that?" asked Harley Quinn, confused as always. Joker grabbed her by the arms and shook her violently, scaring her.

"Because it's a mockery of American Idol, dummy!" yelled Joker, throwing a hurt Harley on the ground, then returning to his plan as Harley got up with a sniffle, "Now, when they voted for the **YES** in the **Should I let them live?** question, I blow the Joker Bombs anyway! For you see, no matter what you vote in, you never get what you want! You never get what you want! NYAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!"

Harley sighed and said, "I know you wanted David Archuleta to win, but you don't need to make everyone suffer because of it.""Eat me!" snapped the Joker, raising his pimp hand. He would have hit Harley if the doors didn't suddenly swing open to reveal a tall white figure with waving white hair. The Joker and his posse looked at the man walking to them, with his white hair waving around as he wore his red Santa Clause-esque outfit, with a terrifying grin and dilated eyes. It was…

…

SNOWFLAME!

The Joker and his gang looked at the grinning coke-addict as he stood there with a grin and a pose. "So, uh, can I…help you in…anyway?" asked the Joker.

Snowflame looked at him. "Snowflame has come! Snowflame wishes to help you with his white glory!""Sorry, sir, but I am not interested in a gigolo today, try tomorrow," replied the Joker, "But, if you swing both ways, I'm sure Harley…"

"Save your lesser substitutes to ecstasy, I am Snowflame, the Child of Cocaine, my god!" continued the mad man, "I am it's vessel, I am it's child of pleasure. I am it's willing slave, and it commands Snowflame to help the child of insanity, the Joker…"

"…O…K…" let out the Joker, looking around, seeing if this was a joke, then turning to Snowflame and smiling, "Okay, then, we were just planning the destruction of Gotham by Joker Venom, just to show how voting for things like American Idol is useless.""Let it go, honey," calmed Harley Quinn hesitantly.

"I AM CALM!" yelled the Joker, he then noticed Snowflame drawing X's on the map, "What the heh are you doing?"

"Snowflame has made your cause noble," replied the mad cocaine addict, "Snowflame has marked blasphemous structures, they are anti-drug clubs, rehabs, and drug treatment buildings, we will bomb them instead."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you think you are doing!" shouted the Joker, "My plan is ten times more better than that hash of snatch!"

"Also, Snowflame says the bombs will not be of your futile gas, it shall be filled with my god, and it will infect the people and turn them into the path of cocaine, entering their blood and becoming slaves to the white power!"

"…futile?" asked the Joker, offended by that statement.

"All of Gotham will see Snowflame's world, becoming worshippers of the true god of ecstasy and pleasure, with sacrifices of sexual sin and lust, a white cloud will shroud the entire city, where we will all bask in the glory of cocaine!"

They all looked at him with confusion and disbelief, the Joker pinched his nose in annoyance as Harley played with her hair. "Listen, Mr. Snowflame, I already **have** a plan to bomb various parts of Gotham, I don't know if you know this, but I am a very big deal in Gotham, and I don't take just any ideas, so why don't you try Two-Face, or Black Mask, or Penguin, hell, why not Ventriloquist?"

"The great Snowflame did, they refused, as did Scarecrow, Bane, and Mr. Freeze," he replied, "You are the savior of Cocaine, the chosen son, the bringer of the white light of bleeding noses!"

"Oh…yippee," groaned an unenthusiastic Joker, looking around as Snowflame ranted like a madman. He eyed a furnace in the distance, why he would have a furnace is a rhetorical question, he's the Joker, of course he'd have one in his room.

He gave an awful grin as he thought of a way to get rid of the Abominable Snowflame, rubbing his hands together sadistically.

"..And the skies will burn as the sun turns white, showering Cocaine on the people of Gotham as I drink my Coca Cola!" Snowflame rambled on, flapping his arms around.

"Say, uh, Snowflake," called out the Joker, "I believe I have been seduced by your sermon, and I have to say, it is one hell of a plan!"

"Really? Snowflame knew you'd see the truth!" he laughed with pride in his booming cocaine-filled mouth.

Joker put his arm around Snowflame and walked him to the furnace door. "And to prove this lovely alliance with such a fine individual, my friend, I would like to make a toast…of cocaine."

"Yes! Cocaine and Sex! A fine celebration of this great union!" roared Snowflame with joy.

"Yes, and the cocaine is in my furnace," said the Joker as he pointed at the furnace door, the Joker patted Snowflame's back and said brisky, "Hurry now, a gay magician with AIDs is going to steal it and you will not have ANY!"

"Extraño!" roared Snowflame, diving into the furnace with anger. The Joker quickly closed the furnace door and quickly turned it on, locking the door behind him.

He walked back to the table with a swagger and a smile that says, "Yes, I did that". The Joker slammed his hands on the table and said with a booming voice, "Now, that we have gotten rid of the Bane-expy, let me continue my awesome and justified plan, we will start the attack against Gotham tomorrow, exactly 11:55 AM, no early birds or night owls."

He wrapped the map up as the men nodded with agreement, along with Joker's girlfriend. "That will teach people to expect the worst," grunted the Joker as he and the gang walked out of the office, "Let's go get some Choco-Tacos!" They all cheered at his announcement, closing the door behind them.

The furnace burned greatly, smoke coming from the chimney, with a weak voice in the burning pit calling out.

"…Gloss? Ram? Harbinger?" it called out, "Do you have my god?"

* * *

><p><strong>Poison Ivy Chow Town<strong>

It was hours later, Poison Ivy sitting down on a large flower as she was eating a burger, a smile on her face as dead environmentalists were scattered across the ground.

Outside, the building had long large vines sprouting everywhere, slowly moving and creaking.

As Poison Ivy ate her burger, Batman and Robin walked through the front door, stopping in front of Poison Ivy.

"Why am I not surprised," growled Batman, glaring at her.

"Hey Batman," replied a happy Poison Ivy, holding out her burger, "You want? It's good."

"No thanks, I am not a cannibal," replied Batman, "So, are you going in quietly or do we have to rip your plants apart to get you to come with us?"

"No, I'll come in peacefully, just let me finish my burger," answered Poison Ivy calmly, "I let you finish the last time we fought…" She ended that statement with a soft laugh.

Batman raised a brow and nodded, "True, I'll give you that, Ivy, but you got ten minutes, and then I'm coming back in." He began to walk away, but turned back around and added, "You know, bread is made of wheat."

"No, no, this is bone bread," replied Poison Ivy happily.

"…Oh," said Batman plainly, walking out with Robin…only for Robin to walk back in with a blush and say, "Y'know, that last time we fought was kinda special, maybe I can…" He of course was interrupted by Batman who grabbed him by the cape and dragged Robin away, who was grunting and kicking at the floor.

Poison Ivy only watched as they walked away and began to chow down on her humanburger, or a humanwich, if you will.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: My Humanwhich!<strong>


	8. Batridin' Dirty

**The Banana Slug: We are now in the heart of Graboid territory, right in the heart of it! Right in the frickin' heart of it!**

**I love the Tremors series, even the crappy fourth movie, even though I knew it was pretty crappy. I really hope they make another, and do it right.**

**SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: Bren Tenkage**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By the Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 8: Batridin' Dirty**

* * *

><p><strong>Batmobile Confessions I<strong>

A fellow fanfiction writer named Bren Tenkage begins to walk down the street, with a smile on his face as he held his Manga of Case Closed to his face, reading it with joy, not a care in the world.

…

He was then hit by the Batmobile, sending him flying into the sky with a vapid expression, his Manga flying like a bird. He fell down onto a local fruit stand, run by an undercover Harvey Bullock, eating a banana.

Bren arose from the fruit with unamusement and yelled in anger, "Thanks for the cameo, you jerk!"

Meanwhile, Batman and Robin were on the front seat, with the Dark Knight driving with a emotionless stare as his ward looked behind the car, looking at the cameo that got screwed over.

"Hey, uh, Batman?" let out Robin, "I think we ran over someone…"

"He was reading Case Closed, Robin," replied Batman, his eyes on the road, "Conan Edogawa is a threat to my authority."

"Threat to…he's a fictional character!" argued Robin angrily.

"No, I met him at Youmacon a week ago," replied Batman calmly.

"Oh…oh…" replied Robin, he paused as he thought, then asking, "What's he like?"

"Like a threat to my authority," growled Batman, tightening the grip on the steering wheel.

"Okay…then," sighed Robin, finding a way to change the subject, then saying, "I heard the Giants won the SuperBowl."

"Yeah…yeah they did," said Batman.

"Mhm…" Robin looked around as he tapped his hands against his legs, "Did you know that…Two-Face lost all his money…""Betting on the Patriots, I know," finished Batman, "I brought him in for drunk driving."

Robin just nodded, then looking back down, then back at Batman, opening his mouth, but not saying anything as he shut it again, then remembering what to say and told Batman, "Funny…you say Conan Edogawa, because…his real name is Jimmy Kudo."

Batman was silent, Robin staring at him with a vapid expression, then Batman turned to him and asked, "I'm sorry…I didn't hear what you said, can you say that again?"

"Conan Edogawa isn't his real name, it's Jimmy Kudo," repeated Robin.

"…Oh, it is, isn't it?" asked Batman, returning to looking at the road, "I did not know that…not at all…no-siree…Not. At. All."

"Speaking of Cased Closed, have any idea who the leader of the Black Organization is?" asked Robin."Yeah, it's Simon Hurt, and the Black Organization is a front for the Black Glove," answered Batman.

"…I'm sorry, Batman, I have to disagree, your theory sounds like a bad fanfic," said Robin with a laugh.

"Oh, and what's **your** theory, genius!" growled Batman, glaring at Robin.

"Simple, it's Ra's al Ghul, using criminals to gather things he needs," answered Robin with a proud tone and swishing his finger around.

"…What things?" interrogated Batman.

"Y'know, things that…help his plan," replied a beaten returned to looking at the road, with a smug smile. "I knew it, you don't know either."

"Oh, yeah, and yours sounds sooo much more logical, Mr. Paranoia," argued Robin, "But then again, the leader of the Black Organization could be YOU!"

"No," grunted Batman in annoyance, "Just no."

Robin slumped into his chair with a frown, "Darnit, I failed!""Don't feel bad you failed Robin," advised Batman, "Opinions is what makes this country so great…besides our warring political factions…"

"Thanks, Batman," sighed Robin, then asking quickly, "What's your favorite anime and/or manga?"

"Azumanga Daioh," replied Batman with a straight face.

Robin just stared at him with disbelief, raising his eyebrow in suspicion. Batman sighed and twisted the handle. "Problem?" growled the Dark Knight.

"It's just…that…it doesn't seem like the Batman kind of anime you'd watch," replied Robin, "I was expecting Paranoia Agent, Hell Girl, Darker Than Black, Death Note…"

"Did you just say Death Note? I hate Death Note," sighed Batman, disgust in his voice as he said Death Note.

"What? It's a good anime and manga, and it has crime and mystery," defended Robin.

"No, we already know who Kira is, just some whiny wannabe that fails to comparison to the Batman," argued Batman in frustration, "L is the only good part, he's cool, but everything else is kinda dumb. I am pretty much tired of Light Yagami whine about how he is a god and all that crap, and come on, who names their kid Light? It's like if my parents named me Lightning! And don't get me started on that Harley Quinn-expy of his, she is so annoying that I prefer Mr. J's gutterskank to that annoying pop diva!"

"…But…It's got supernatural…things," poorly defended Robin."No, it's got Shinigami, I am tired of seeing Shinigami," ranted Batman, "Here's a message for Japan, there are other things in Japanese Mythology, use them!"

Robin sighed and face-palmed himself, "Okay, I admit Death Note has it's flaws, but you can't just hate it because of the over-use of Shinigami, it's a part of…""What anime do you like?" asked Batman, interrupting Robin and changing the subject. Robin paused and smiled. "I'm glad you asked, Batman!" cheered Robin, "I like Naruto, and…"

"Stop!" shouted Batman, putting his hand on Robin's head and said loudly, "You have been branded a loser for life, no one likes you."

"What! What the hell do you mean!" screamed Robin, glaring with his face all red, "Is this because of the whole Disney XD crap!"

"No," sighed Batman, "I like it's mythology, characters, plot, and main character, in fact, I like Naruto Uzimaki, but there is one problem that makes me hate the series…Sasuke Uchiha.""Oh, dear god!" groaned Robin, pulling his face down with his palms.

"And people say I deal with loss poorly," heckled Batman with a chuckle, "You don't see me trying to kill every man, woman, and child in Gotham City, right? Him, he's just a sad clown that listens to too much Linkin Park and cuts himself with his kunai!"

"For Moore's sake, why does every person I meet hate Naruto because of Sasuke Uchiha!" moaned Robin, raising his arms up in agony.

"Because, Sasuke Uchiha is a whiny little jerk that should know that friends are important," continued Batman, driving faster, "And in the end, Rock Lee will get Sakura Haruno…and yes, I did say that!"

"Speaking of which, do you think we are kinda like Rock Lee and Guy-sensei?" asked Robin with a raised eyebrow.

Batman was silent. Robin slumped as he thought he offended Batman, feeling incredibly ashamed.

…

"Robin?" asked Batman.

"…Bat-sensei?" whimpered Robin.

"Robin!" yelled Batman with a smile.

"Bat-sensei!" shouted Robin with happiness.

"ROBIN!" roared Batman with pride.

"BAT-SENSEI!" bellowed Robin with joy.

The two both laughed with happiness, then inhaling and exhaling, now slightly laughing. "Yeah, I'm glad you're my dad," said Robin with a twinkle in his eyes.

"That's nice, Tim," sighed Batman with a light smile, "You're a good partner too."

Suddenly, Bren Tenkage leapt out and pressed himself against the front window, both Batman and Robin screamed at the sudden cameo.

"This is a cameo!" roared Bren, "You see, this is a cameo!" He was then slightly tapped across the face with the bat-window wipers, and splashed in the face by the bat-window soap.

"Why isn't it getting off!" screamed Robin in fear.

"I DON'T KNOW!" roared Batman in fear and frustration.

"I know, use the stick!" screamed Robin, poking the stick on Batman's face. The Dark Knight grabbed the stick and rolled down the bat-windows.

"Take the wheel, pigeon," growled Batman, and Robin did so as Batman reached out and poked Bren Tenkage with the stick which will now be known as the bat-stick. He'll paint it black later.

"I. Will. Kill. You. Both." growled Bren as he was being poked, but was then poked in the eye by the bat-stick, screaming in pain as he fell from the Batmobile, the two felt a violent bump underneath the car and just ignored it, violently breathing in suspense.

"That was scary," sniffled Robin."Let's not speak of this again, Robin," grunted Batman, still driving across Gotham.

"Agreed," agreed Robin, swiping the sweat from his brow.

The two were silent again, Robin looking out the window as Batman drove the Batmobile. Robin then spoke and asked, "Where are we going again?"

"Oh, didn't I tell you?" replied Batman, Robin shook his head. Batman sighed and said, "It's something very important, something that can change all of Gotham for the worse, and it involves my greatest enemies, The Joker, Hush, and Bane, and that very evil plan is…"

* * *

><p><strong>We Interrupt This Reveal Of A Dastardly Plan To Present You With Something Else<strong>

Two-Face was in his office, flipping a coin with a glass of scotch in one hand. The office was split into two different styles, one was clean and well put together, the other side was ripped up and dirty as hell, with the desk in the middle of it all.

He flipped the coin, it turned up heads. And with that, he grabbed the remote and turned on the television. He was watching Dr. Phil, he was doing a segment on a fat mother trying to get her son to live with her and not with her well-adjusted and very kind daughter-in-law…who had sex with a horse!

He drinks his scotch as the door creaks open, revealing a nervous gang member, walking in as he twiddled with his hat. "Um, Harvey Two-Face?" grunted the man hesitantly, "We, uh, Me and the guys are…wondering…can we get pizza?"

"Maybe, let's flip on it," replied Two-Face as he watched Dr. Phil, they were bringing in the horse, "Tails, we get Indian Food, Heads, we go get pizza."

He flipped the coin as the mother-in-law slapped the horse, she was kicked in the face. Two-Face grabbed the coin and looked at it, coming in tails. He sighed and said, "No pizza, Indian food. Call the Indian Restaurant and…"

"Oh, man, I don't like Indian food!" groaned the henchman with displeasure.

"Well, I have to loves in this world, Pizza and Indian Food," argued Two-Face calmly, "And the coin says Indian Food."

"You don't have to follow that coin to the latter!" argued the henchman, "I mean, what if it told you to jump off a bridge?"

Two-Face didn't say anything for a while, then saying, "Coin says no pizza."

"But, sir!" interjected the Henchman.

"COIN SAYS NO PIZZA!" roared Two-Face, getting off his chair and holding the coin at the henchman.

"Whoa! Calm down sir!" pleaded the man."COIN SAYS NO PIZZA!" repeated Two-Face, knocking the desk over as he stomped to the henchman, pushing the coin at his face, "Listen to the coin! What does it say! WHAT! DOES! IT! SAY!"

The henchman looked at Two-Face in terror, Two-Face giving a death glare at him. "Um…no pizza?""Correct, ass-mite!" hissed Two-Face, walking away and cracking his neck, "And if you excuse me, Dr. Phil is about to bring this teenage girl who made a porno with her dog…and gave it to her teacher as a project."

"Um, yes sir, I'll order the Indian Food, sir," sighed the henchman, walking out of the office and looking at the rest of the henchmen, staring with hope and impatience.

"Sorry, coin says no pizza," groaned the henchman, the other thugs moaned in sadness, one even cried. One henchman yelled out with glee, raising his arms up, giving a thumbs up.

The others glared at him, he lowered his arms down and shrugged. "I like Indian food, sue me," argued the henchman defensively.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Don't wanna sound pompous, but that "Coin Says No Pizza" would make a funny meme.<strong>

**P.S. I have no hatred for Bren Tenkage, he asked for the cameo and I agreed, and I even told him what kind of cameo he'd have. I am best friends with the man, I even know him in real life, one hell of a cool guy.**

**P.S.S. Please do not ask for a cameo, I will not give you one. I will give you a cameo if I want to give you one. But don't be so hopeful, I prefer fake people for cameos, real people give me the creeps. (:P**


	9. Batman's Valentine SmackDown Part 1

**The Banana Slug: Valentine's Day, it is a harmonious holiday for all…**

…

…**except if you are completely alone! I hate Valentine's Day! It's a terrible holiday! It makes me so angry when those beautiful people kiss with their disgusting and attractive bodies hitting each other.**

**Anywho, this chapter will be in two-parts, mainly because it is the holidays, so here is TWO TONS OF OOC!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything, this is entirely fan-based and I do not own material or lyrics.**

**Also, for those that may get confused, I suggest you look up "What's Up" by "4 Non Blondes" and take a good listen.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**Chapter 9: Batman's Valentine Smackdown! Part 1**

* * *

><p><strong>Batman's Bat-Hearts<strong>

In the Batcave, Batman and Robin were at the Arts and Crafts making black paper-mache hearts with white bat-symbols, all with bat-scissors and bat-glue. Batman sported a proud smirk as he did this, that's the only positive emotional facial sign he could do after his parent's death.

However, Robin had a bored frown and an annoyed glare as he did this with his mentor/father/kidnapper. Batman noticed this and glared at Robin, giving him a smack in the face.

"What's your problem, pigeon?" interrogated Batman.

"I hate Valentine's Day, Batman!" confessed Robin angrily.

"Whaaaaaaa?" replied Batman, "What's your deal, Robin?"

"Well, it seems everyone has someone on Valentine's Day and I don't!" grunted Robin, "I feel no passion on this day at all, not like you and everyone else!"

"Really? That's not what the Bat-Computer says," revealed Batman casually.

"WHA!" yelped Robin, "How did you…"

"You need to clear your history every time," consoled Batman with his hand on his shoulder, "We don't want Riddler or Hush to have any leverage."

"Well, okay, other than that, I feel no passion," grieved Robin, "You got Catwoman, Joker's got Harley Quinn, Nightwing's got Oracle, and I got jack!""Hey, why not be like Alfred, Robin, and stop bitching this to me!" argued Batman, with Alfred delivering clean outfits to the Batcave, "You don't see Alfred chasing girl's behinds all the time!""Not by choice sir, I lost my balls in the war, sir," added Alfred casually.

They all looked at him with surprise. "Really?" squeaked Robin."Oh yes, Normandy it was," sighed Alfred, "Before I lost them, I was quite the manwhore…I would be lying if I said I did not miss it."

They stared at him as he stood there smiling, nodding and walking away to get more laundry. "So, anyway," said Batman, breaking the ice, "Is that all you are worried about? Because me and Nightwing have lives?"

"Pretty much so!" argued Robin, "How do you think I feel when you and Catwoman are up all night, having sex while I have to listen to the whole thing from my room! It's horrible!"

"That's impossible!" growled Batman,, working on his bat-hearts again, "We sleep in the Batcave!"

"You two are THAT loud!" groaned Robin, swaying his arms around, "And no, I don't just get that here! Dick and Barbara go all night as well, and I thought she was paralyzed by the waist down!"

"By the legs, Tim, by the legs," corrected Batman, "Besides, how do you know it's Dick, could be Clayface.""Batman, don't start," grunted Robin, then continuing annoyingly with, "And remember the time I was kidnapped by Harley and Joker? Damn, do those two know how to work it!""How do you know?" questioned Batman, finishing another bat-heart.

"They made me watch," said a traumatized Robin.

"Sorry I asked," sighed an uncaring Batman, working on another, "But at least it was a good show, eh?"

"Not really," continued Robin with a frown, "It got worse when they brought in the hyenas…""Stop right there, I don't want nightmares!" warned Batman, then shuddering at the thought.

"How do you think I feel? I saw the whole thing!" argued Robin, then sighing and continuing work on the bat-hearts, then asking, "By the way, what's with the bat-hearts?"

"They are for all of our friends, family, lovers, and enemies," answered Batman, then sighing out, "…and I have a lot of lovers and enemies, and too little friends and family."

Robin watched him as he silently cut the hearts, "It's hard…down in Hades…""Metaphorical, yet true," sighed Batman, slowly cutting the hearts. Robin smiled and gave Batman a small hug, "Thank you, Robin, I needed that."

As the two shared a heartwarming moment, Alfred walked back down with another load and said, "On the other hand, I had a terrible case of herpes, so it may have been for the best…"

He returned up from the Batcave as Batman and Robin's tender moment was ruined by Alfred's addition.

"Anyway, what's wrong with Batgirl?" asked Batman, returning to cutting his bat-hearts.

"Cassandra?" replied Robin, who then sighed and said, "I'm…well…it's kinda hard to ask someone out if your date doesn't speak."

"What's that got to do with anything?" interrogated Batman, "She can nod, she can write!"

"Yeah, but who brings a pad and pen to the movies or a dinner date?" defended Robin.

"You know sign language, I thought you that!" argued Batman, pointing his bat-scissors at Robin, "Or were you listening to that Justin Beaver and Hanna Montana again?"

"No! Of course not!" defended Robin angrily, "I'm with you on them! It's just…well…"

"Spit it out, boy!" roared Batman.

"I'M SHY!" screamed Robin as he slammed the table with his fists, then looking at his palm and saw that one of the bat-hearts stuck to him with the bat-glue.

"…So…you're miserable because you are a scaredy-pants!" laughed Batman.

"Don't laugh!" yelled Robin, obviously seeing the past tense I put there.

"Okay, okay, but come on, she's not gonna say no!" reminded Batman.

"Really?" shouted Robin with glee.

"Of course…she can't speak!" joked Batman, then laughing out loud, only to stop after seeing Robin look at him with sadness.

Batman frowned and sighed, "Let's go deliver our hearts, that might make you happy." He patted his back and smiled, Robin smiled back at him and nodded. The two got up and walked up the stairs, walking past Alfred, who said out loud, "And mind you, herpes can hurt after an orgy with five obese women and a tired Winston Churchill."

"Don't you mean six obese women?" joked Robin.

"Oh ho ho ho! Winston would have loved that joke!" laughed Alfred, walking down with another load with a smile.

* * *

><p><strong>A Valentine Message from our friends from You Got Batrolled!<strong>

"Remember, even if you are alone on Valentine's Day, you will always be lonely. Especially if you are divorced, have the hots for a lesbian, and make all your love-life decisions by coin-toss." _-Two-Face_

"I do not understand love…yet. I will so look forward to dissecting your brain to find out." _-Hugo Strange_

"Men, save your loins equally smart as yourself, or you'd be with a vapid moron with no understanding of anything…oh sure, things will get a little boring since women find you an ass, and you have to wank to internet porn…at least you are sticking to your beliefs!"_ -The Riddler_

"I don't like to give my heart to others…I'd really rather take your bleeding heart from your ribcage…that is a perfect Valentines Day, especially when I give it back to you down your mouth!" _-The Scarecrow_

"There ain't no better man than a commited psycho, and if they smack you in the mouth, jab a knife in your sternum, or kick you in the head, it only means they are impatient yet truly love you." _-Harley Quinn_

"I can be Antonio Banderas, Orlando Bloom, or even Johnny Depp, and we won't have any more problems." _-Clayface_

"Keep on trying following him, spying on him, and confronting him, sooner or later, he'll relent…or call the cops…" _-Catwoman_

"Love is like a well-cooked steak, it's delicious until it ends, but at least there is always more steak!" _-Killer Croc_

"…Anyway, Winston turned to me and said, _Smell my finger_, and I did, and I did not find that funny at all…" _-Alfred Pennyworth_

"Love is the most pathetic and funniest thing in the world, puts a smile on my face every time I fake it! NYA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!" _-The Joker_

"You can find love…if you got the money. I do, and I am living the good life, mainly because most people like you have no money and are watching a stupid fanfic!" _-The Penguin_

"Solomon Grundy…want take…pants off…when around you…" _-Solomon Grundy_

"As an experienced sufferer of break-ups, don't get attached, or the next thing you notice, your lover from an international terrorist organization gives you our demonic love child to take care of!" _-Batman_

"…Love is ok." _-Hush_

"My Mommy Made of Nails told me love is when two souls congregate together, with the bile and saliva dripping off their entrails and onto the sewers as they mate, creating impurity and drugs, lots of drugs!" _-Professor Pyg_

"Men are overrated, plants are tender lovers, except for oaks, they are very selfish in bed." _-Poison Ivy_

"Bitch, haven't you heard dicks don't grow on trees?" _-Black Mask_

"Love is cold, and my heart bleeds every day for…my love…Oh Nora…WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO! AAAAAAGH HUH HUH HUH! WHY! WHY!" _-Mr. Freeze_

"Valentine's Day is for the weak!" _-The Banana Slug_

* * *

><p><strong>Gotham City Blues<strong>

In the dark abandoned carnival, Joker stood out his base in his purple nightgown and onto the snow-covered porch, with a cup of Joe in his hand and a satisfied smile, whiping the sweat from his brow. He sighed as he grabbed a bat-heart falling like a leaf to the Joker's hand. He looked at it and read the back of it.

"Happy Valentines Day…I'll still beat the crap out of you tomorrow though. Batman and Robin."

"Aaaaaah, I love you to Batman," sighed the Joker.

"Hey, Mistah J!" shouted out a happy Harley Quinn from the bedroom, "Ready for round two?"

"Can I get some peace and quiet woman!" roared the Joker in fury, "You are smothering me!"

Meanwhile, the Batwing was flying all over Gotham as Robin chucked the bat-hearts out the window to their respective recipients. Robin was still slightly slumped, flicking the bat-hearts out the window with his hand on his cheek.

Batman looked over and sighed, "Look, you live in the same damn mansion, I don't see why you can't just ask her out if you are so into her!"

"She lives in the mansion with us?" realized Robin out loud and in surprise, "I always thought she liked to stay over!"

"No, she's that good at being silent," answered Batman, "She sleeps in the room next to yours, I'm surprised you didn't notice…maybe I should reconsider this decision for a Robin…"

"Wait, she sleeps in the room next to mine?" asked a freaked-out Robin.

"Yeah, and sometimes she watches you sleep," hissed Batman, scaring Robin.

"No! Stop it!" whined Robin.

"She wants to do things to you, naughty things!" hissed Batman, leaning to Robin.

"No! No! No! Stop it, you're scaring me!" cried Robin, holding his ears.

"Oh, grow up!" grunted Batman with annoyance as he returned to riding the Batwing, "She's not gonna bite!"

"It's just…she doesn't talk, and she just stares at people," sighed Robin.

"No duh, she can't talk!" growled Batman, "Am I…am I getting through to you at all?"

"Yeah, it's just that it's kinda creepy, right?" asked Robin.

"No, not to me," said Batman, "You're just paranoid."

Robin sighed and continued to throw the bat-hearts out the window, one of them landing on the top hat of the Penguin. Who read the note inside, and began to cry out loud, knowing someone out there cares about this sad little man.

"Listen, if you really want help, talk to Nightwing, he's better at the disability girlfriend shtick than me," consoled Batman, "I am better with the sex-kitten girlfriend and crazy terrorist girlfriend shtick."

Robin sighed and said, "Thanks Batman, some say you are an uncaring jerk, but you really do try to help…I should probably do that…thanks."

Batman just stared at him, then roared and slammed his fist on the steering wheel, "Who says I'm a jerk!"

Robin looked at him with fear and said, "Calendar Man…"

Batman calmed down quickly and pondered one thing, "Doesn't Calendar Man attack on holidays?"

* * *

><p><strong>Yes, Calendar Man DOES attack on Holidays<strong>

Julian Day, the Calendar Man, was climbing up a stairway in an apartment building, holding two different briefcases and wearing a fedora and trench coat.

He got to the roof and stood out in the snow, looking down at the people walking through the city.

He opened the first briefcase, revealing a wireless stereo with a CD player, then smiling a chubby smile. He rested it on the ledge and turned it on, he waited until the song started to play, it was "What's Up" by "4 Non Blondes".

He waited a while as he soaked up the tune, then kneeling down and opening the other briefcase, revealing a crossbow made of oak, and an assortment of arrows with ruby tips shaped like hearts in a quiver.

He grabbed and threw away his fedora, then grabbing his trench coat and removing it from his body. What he wore underneath was disturbing yet fitting. He was dressed as Cupid, wearing adult diapers and a pair of fake wings on his back.

He grabbed the crossbow and strapped the quiver to his back, walking to the edge of the building, looking down at the people.

He aimed the crossbow at the people, and before he fired his first shot at a couple kissing, the arrow piercing the man's back and through the woman, killing them both, he uttered, "I love you."

The people screamed as they ran around in fear, he continued to shoot at the crowd, saying with every shot, "I love you."

A teenage girl talking to her boyfriend, unaware of the situation, was stabbed through the stomach by an arrow. She looks down at the wound, and she takes a deep breath and she screams from the top of her lungs, "What's going on?"

And Calendar Man says, "Hey-ya-yeah, hey-ya-yeah, I said hey, what's going on?"

The police get the call, hearing about a Valentine's Day bloodbath. Gordon and his men moved out to Calendar Man's location, ready to stop the insane madman.

The people die, about ten dead and twenty-nine injured, Calendar Man refueling his arrows by the minute.

And they try, oh my god do they try, they try to survive this assault of arrows, killing people and severely injuring them.

A old lady, getting flowers to her Alzheimer-stricken husband, sees the carnage as she steps outside and she takes a deep breath, then she screams from the top of her lungs, "What's going on?"

And Calendar Man says, "Hey-ya-yeah, hey-ya-yeah, I said hey, what's going on?"

The GCPD Swat and Gordon enter the area, herding people out as Calendar Man shoots at them too. Thankfully, they wear Kevlar and it only causes severe injury to the ones who were shot.

"Valentine's Day…for all…" moaned Calendar Man with joy, then commenting on the song, saying, "I sure do love this song…"

He puts down the crossbow and rests his hands on the railing, looking at the crying and bleeding masses. He looks at lover's clutching their lovers in their arms, holding them so close to their chests. In a way, he brought them together closer than before, a fact Calendar Man was proud about.

"I love…you all," he moaned as the police kicked the door down. They rushed to him and slammed him to the floor, stomping on him rapidly and hardly without stop.

Calendar Man didn't care, he brought everyone together, and also, he trolled Gotham so hard that it made me scream, "What's going on?"

…

Sorry, I know it's getting old, so sue me!

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Funny thing, this chapter was going to be about, like, twenty pages long.<strong>

**However, I am too nice to let your eyes bleed, so I cut it in half, LIKE A SAMURAI!**


	10. Batman's Valentine SmackDown Part 2

**The Banana Slug: Yeah, the funny thing is that I care nothing for Valentine's Day. In fact, I hate everything about it, but I still am obligated to do things.**

**And this is one of those things.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 10: Batman's Valentine Smackdown! Part 2**

* * *

><p><strong>Dick, Jason, and Tim<strong>

"I'm glad you went over for a visit!" said a happy Nightwing as he sat down on a sofa with Barbara Gordon, who snuggled next to him as she wore a fuzzy green bathrobe.

"Thanks Dick," replied Tim, drinking a cup of coco on a different sofa, facing the two, "I hope Batman can handle taking back Julian Day back to Arkham without me."

"Oh, I'm sure Bruce will be fine with that," said Barbara with a smile, holding Dick's arm with love, "I'm just glad Jason could make it here on Valentines!"

Jason Todd, the Red Hood, was sitting on a lounge chair in a sulk, with a dead glare on his face, "Yeah, sure…" He grabbed a flask from his pocket, lifted his mask, and took a deep drink.

"Anyway, Bruce said you had lady troubles?" asked Barbara."Yeahuh, I wanna ask Cassandra out, but I'm a little scared since she is mute," confessed Robin."Bigot," muttered Red Hood.

"It's nothing like that," groaned Robin, then explaining, "I don't know how dates would play out, and it seems so late in V-Day, that I don't know what we'd do."

"I know what I'd do," heckled Red Hood.

"Not now, Todd!" groaned Nightwing, then turning his attention to Robin, "Look, I think I understand, you think it will get a little difficult to communicate with her and afraid of that awkward silence during dates. It's hard dating people with disabilities, but it pays out in the end with someone you can relate to."

"Exactly, Dick," said Barbara as she patted Nightwing's leg, "I mean, it can be harder for one that was put into disability. I was heart-broken and traumatized when the Joker shot my spine, I contemplated suicide everyday, lost the will to live, and broke up with Dick during our relationship at that time.""And I dated an orange alien and a creepy Goth to cope with the pain!" revealed Nightwing with a shrug.

"And in the end, we knew that we were meant for each other, together forever," said Barbara with happiness, looking at Nightwing and then kissing him on the lips.

"Never a happier couple!" proclaimed Nightwing with pride.

"Wow, you guys make it sound so great!" said Robin with a wide smile, only to be killed once Red Hood began to speak.

"That's because it's bull," hissed Red Hood, pointing his finger at Robin, "Like hell love is all that mushy gooshy bull-crap! Love conquers all my beaten ass!"

"Calm down, Jason," ordered Nightwing.

"Not a chance, Jesse McCartney!" growled Red Hood, "Tim needs to know the truth, the truth the world is cold and heartless.""I'm sure it's not THAT cold and heartless," laughed Robin nervously.

"In denial!" yelled Red Hood, standing up angrily, "Love is a lie, it's just your hormones and sex juices firin' up ready for a poke, there is no such thing as true love, just animalistic lust!"

"Jason, calm the hell down!" shouted Nightwing.

"Barbara, how many times do you and Dick f***k?" interrogated Red Hood.

"Don't answer that!" groaned Nightwing, trying to defend Barbara from the derange Jason Todd.

"Doesn't matter, because I hear them all the f***kin' time with the humpin' and the crap AND IT IS GETTIN' ON MY DAMN NERVES!" growled Red Hood, then turning to Robin in buzzed rage, with the Boy Wonder afraid of the crazed vigilante.

"Listen, life is just a nutty clown beating you to death with a crowbar! Beating you until blood comes out your nose! Waiting for someone to save you, only for your savior to do all his best, mourn for you, yet still, STILL, not have the courage to avenge him by killing the crazed c***t that killed me!"

Red Hood fell on his knees and began to sob, then screaming into the sky as they all looked at him with the others looking at him with concern, "Why God? Why? Is it me? It's me! It's me!"

He fell on the floor and sobbed loudly, Barbara sighed and pulled herself on her wheelchair that was set next to the couch.

"I'll…get him to bed," sighed Barbara, wheeling herself to Jason and lifting him up, resting his arm on her shoulders, dragging him to the bedroom, the troubled vigilante crying slightly.

Nightwing breathed out and turned to the frightened Robin. "Don't worry, he's just going through a rough patch, he'll get better for sure."

"Yeah…what's his problem though?" asked Robin with concern.

"Oh, Joker beat him to death with a crowbar and blew up the warehouse he was in," explained Nightwing, "Then was raised from the grave somehow, I don't know, it's kinda blurry after the Joker part."

"Huh," was all that Robin replied with.

"Look, just tell her what is in your heart, just tell her how you feel," replied Nightwing, "The worse she will do is refuse…or do the five finger death punch, whichever comes first. But, despite that, you have to try and everything will turn out fine, okay?"

Robin twiddled his fingers and slightly nodded, "Yeah, yeah, I think you are right!" He got up and nodded with a confident glare, "Y'know what, I'm gonna tell Cassandra my feelings! Screw what might happen! She's gotta know!"

He rushed to the window and leapt from it, running down the rooftops as Nightwing looked on, sporting a proud smile. "I am proud, to call you, my brother…"

"Dick, get in here!" called out Barbara from her room, "Jason locked himself in the bathroom again!" Nightwing sighed and walked to the room and prepared to consol his crazed adoptive brother.

* * *

><p><strong>Mr. Freeze's Marital Probs<strong>

Down at the Iceberg Lounge, sad blues playing in the background in this fine Valentine's Day, there was Mr. Freeze sitting at the bar with a mimosa in hand. He had already drunk ten mimosas and yet was not at all buzzed.

As he sighed loudly, the Penguin waddled to the bar with a smile, sat down next to him and patted his back. "What the hell are you doing here?" he asked.

"Oh, Cobblepot, you know the right words to say," moaned Mr. Freeze, "Valentine's Day only seems to make my life so cold…without my dear…Nora."

"Oh, get over it!" grunted Penguin, "I deck with many ladies, despite my problems with internet dating of course, but a monogamous love only gets you into trouble."

"But I love her!" cried Mr. Freeze.

"Love who?" asked the Joker as he walked over with a smile.

"Joker?" squawked the Penguin, "What the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"I had an internet date…which is you again, isn't it, Ozzie?" asked a teasingly embarrassed Joker, only to laugh as the Penguin sighed and nodded.

The Joker took a seat next to Mr. Freeze and said with a soft smile, "Don't listen to Abner here, sure, you can plow your way through all the bitches and the ho's nonstop, but it's only till you found that special someone that makes you whole, then you are set for life."

Mr. Freeze nodded with acknowledgment, "Harley means that much to you, hm?"

"Harley? Hell no, she's just there for a good smack in the ass…or in the mouth!" laughed the Joker, "I'm talkin' about the Bat! The way he punches me in the face, damn, I know he is releasing all that pent up sexual tension with such enthusiasm!"

"That's not what I'm talking about, but…sure," sighed Mr. Freeze, taking another drink.

"Gay much, Joker?" asked the Penguin with a twitch of the eye.

"I prefer to label myself as Sexual," said the Joker with pride, drinking a lime mojito!

"Whatever, don't listen to Joker, he's the worse example," consoled the Penguin, "He doesn't acknowledge his girlfriend, and what's worse, he repeatedly beats her and tries to kill her!""Honestly, I think she's into that crap!" defended the Joker.

"Are you guys talkin' 'bout Bill Bradsky?" slurred Two-Face as he stumbled over with a glass of scotch in hand.

"No, they are talking about my marital problems, but out!" growled Mr. Freeze.

"Listen, Fries," grunted Two-Face as he slumped over Mr. Freeze, "You may think getting married is so great, but I'm divorced, my beloved ex-wife may be dead, and my face is cut in two! Also, I'm not sure, continuity and what-not, but I might have a daughter!"

"I'm already married, Two-Face," sighed Mr. Freeze.

"Oh, then what the hell are you wettin' yourself 'bout?" growled Two-Face, pressing the glass against the dome of Freeze's helmet.

"He's alone on Valentine's Day and everyone is off with their non-frozen lovers," joked the Joker, "And might I add, is being a big baby about it!"Then, they all groaned as Black Mask walked over with a martini and interrupted with, "It's too late for him, the woman already sucked him dry."

"Hey, Black Mask," grunted the Joker.

"Y'see guys, he has become less of a man because a she-wolf stole his manhood and turned him into a frozen wussy!" ranted the misogynist Black Mask, "Women only care about things, and your attention is one of 'em! They just make you feel bad and make you revolve your world around theirs, and not give a damn about your well-being!"

"I don't wanna comment because you are kind of stupid," groaned the Joker.

"Oh yeah? You should be on my side!" ranted Black Mask, "You already enslaved one of the harpies!""This isn't helping, Roman!" growled Mr. Freeze.

"I mean, yes, women can demand a bunch, but a gentleman respects a lady and her well-being," defended the Penguin, "Women are intuitive and attentive, while men are aggressive and bottle their emotions."

"Feminist twit," growled Black Mask."Better than a misogynist with a penchant for BDSM like you!" squawked the Penguin.

"Eat me, bird-boy!" roared the Black Mask, but suddenly was frozen in his place by Mr. Freeze, stuck in a large ice crystal.

"Thanks," sighed the Penguin as he patted Mr. Freeze's back."You're welcome," replied Freeze as he was patted by the Penguin.

"Even though that was kind of offensive to some, I actually was starting to find it kind of funny," admitted the Joker with a giggle.

"You'd find anything funny, Joker!" grunted Mr. Freeze.

"I do, like your frozen wife, I think it's funny as hell!" yelled the Joker with glee, then releasing his trademark laugh, "AAAAAH HA HA HA HAAAAA!"

"I was just…pretty much ignoring Black Mask," said Two-Face, taking a sip, "That's how you deal with the trolls."

"Did someone say…troll?" asked the Scarecrow as he popped out of the bartender's side of the bar, scaring all three of them.

"Damn, you are getting good at that!" gasped the Joker.

"My liver split open," slurred Two-Face.

"Anyway, I was overhearing Mr. Freeze's prob and I wanna say that love can be dandy, but sex, sex is the real deal!" preached the Scarecrow.

"Here, here!" praised the Joker, Penguin, and Two-Face.

"Wait, I didn't know you had a sex life," remarked Mr. Freeze with suspicion.

"Oh, well, back in Arkham, I am the guy who is sexing up the female trauma patients," revealed the Scarecrow casually.

They all looked at him with wide-eyed surprise as Two-Face spat out his drink. "You, what?" asked the Penguin.

"Yeah, I do the nasty with the female trauma patients," replied the Scarecrow with a shrug, "No big deal."

"Okay, I've had enough!" growled Mr. Freeze as he got up, smashing his mimosa on the table, "You all suck at relationships! Penguin is a wannabe, Joker is a manwhore, Black Mask is a misogynist, Two-Face is more sad than me, and Scarecrow…damn!"

"I don't need your criticism," hissed the Scarecrow.

"Wannabe?" questioned Penguin with confusion.

"I'm leaving you freaks!" ranted Mr. Freeze, "Because, I have realized that my wife may be in cryo-stasis with a disease and I am a ice-based super villain, but at least I am more functional than you wackjobs!"He gave them all the finger as he stormed off, crashing through the walls with anger and annoyance."Well, I got a lovely group of escorts in my pad," announced the Penguin as he plopped off the stool, "And I wish not to disappoint them, g'day."

He waddled off with a smile as he left the three (plus Black Masksicle), then Two-Face sighed as he tugged on Black Mask's frozen arm. "I'm gonna make a Black Russian with the remains, buh-bye…"

Joker and Scarecrow watched the three as they made their way away from them, then Joker looked back at Scarecrow with a smile and asked, "So, how is it like, and don't spare the juicy details!"

"My pleasure," sighed the Scarecrow, and the two spent the night talking about the disturbing nights with Scarecrow and the patients.

Wait, wasn't Joker with Harley Quinn on the porch? He must have snuck out or something. I don't know, I'm tired.

* * *

><p><strong>Robin Becomes a Man!<strong>

Robin busted through the doors of the Wayne Manor, with snow right behind him falling in the distant.

Alfred walked into the main hall with a load of laundry, "Oh, hello Master Drake."

"What's with all the laundry?" asked Robin.

"You tell me," replied Alfred, "And if you are looking for Cassandra, she is in her room."

"Thanks, Alf!" shouted Robin with pride, he made his way up the stairs as Alfred looked up at him.

"I was hoping I could tell you more of that story," muttered Alfred with sadness, "I was getting to the part with Marilyn Monroe…"Robin ran up the stairs until he got to the door next to his, he knocked on the door to reveal Bruce Wayne.

"Other door, kiddo," replied Bruce.

"Sorry, dude," panted a tired Robin, he walked to the other door as Bruce closed his. Robin took a deep breath and knocked on Cassandra's door, waiting for her as he nervously rubbed his arm.

The door opened to reveal Cassandra Cain in a long t-shirt covering most of her body. She gave a smile as Robin looked at her, giving a large gulp.

"Uuuuuuh…" he let out, "Can I come in?"

She looked at him for a while, then nodded. Robin walked in as she closed the door, she sat down on a chair and looked at him.

"Uh, Cassandra, I was, uh, thinking," whimpered Robin, "Well, we've known each other for a while, and I always thought you were kinda cool, 'n all…"

Cassandra raised a brow and crossed her arms, tilting her head. Robin gulped and began nervously spasm.

"I was…I was…Well, it's Valentines," stammered Robin, quaking with fear, "And you're a girl…and…and I'm a boy…I was just…"

He looked back at her nervously as she looked back at him calmly and with a smile. "Cassandra…I was hoping…that…that…that…"

"…okay," she said.

Robin then froze, looking at her with surprise and…well, surprise. "You…can talk?" he asked in a squeek.

She shrugged and said, "Not much."

"Um, does…Batman know?" questioned Robin, Cassandra nodded, he then growled and asked, slightly annoyed, "Why didn't he tell me?"

Cassandra only replied with a raised brow and slight shake of her head. Robin understood and sighed, saying, "I should've known Bruce would screw with my head. His favorite pastime!"

Cassandra smiled widely, Robin replied with a smile too, a shy one, but still, a smile. He then asked bashfully, "So, uh, since we are…dating…what do you want to do?"

She then said a word that men always want to hear from a woman, a word that ensures that they were truly, truly, truly meant for each other…

"TV?" she asked.

Robin smiled widely and jumped into the air with his fists up, yelling a clichéd, "YEAH!" and then freezing mid-air, to the confusion of Cassandra as she sat there, looking at the anomaly, blinking slightly.

* * *

><p><strong>A Valentine's Message from Calendar Man<strong>

"Greetings, this is your holiday friend, Calendar Man, giving you a very important message. I know this is a time for lovers, and you have the right to kiss in public, showing how much you love each other. But remember, not everyone loves love, some despise it, like the Scarecrow, I see him all the time writhing in pain from the sight of lovers kissing. Do you want the Scarecrow to be in pain? I don't think so. So please, be respectful, don't hurt the haters of love. It's not cool…."

**This Has Been A Valentine's Message from Calendar Man**

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Craps, I was hard at work, man! I am not sure this will be any good, but I did my best, believe it or not!<strong>

**And about Batgirl, she will be in more chapters, maybe even a main character. I like the Cassandra Cain Batgirl, she's cool, stoic, and sexy…sexy is a plus.**

**P.S. I hope no one thinks me a misogynist because of Black Mask's interpretation. Nor am I a feminist, I am an equalist. I treat you like a human, not to belittle you! We all deserve the same respect and hatred. Why am I making a big deal out of this, because I can, that's why!**


	11. White Rabbits and Goings On

**The Banana Slug: I, for some reason, see the Mad Hatter a lot like an evil Pops from Regular Show. Hell, I even imagine the two to sound alike.**

**I don't know why, but the Mad Hatter's whimsical nature is a lot like my favorite character, Pops.**

**SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: That Trucker Guy from **_**Dumb & Dumber **_**(Seabass I believe.)**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got Batrolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 11: White Rabbits and Goings On**

* * *

><p><strong>Mad Hatter's Mad Day<strong>

It was 8:03 AM, the setting was a small dingy studio apartment with different memorabilia of the book Alice in Wonderland. My name is Friday.

In a small bed was Jervis Tetch, the Mad Hatter. A delusional madman that steals women and uses mind control techniques to get what he wants. He was laying down as he snuggled with a stuffed rabbit doll.

On the nightstand was a heart-shaped alarm clock, ticking and tocking with life. When the arms reached 8:30 AM, it began to ring and shake.

The Mad Hatter smiled and opened his eyes, tapping his palm on the clock and setting it to sleep. He got up, stretched and yawn, and jumped from bed with a giggle.

"Time for a stroll in Wonderland!" giggled the Mad Hatter, "But first, I shall get myself ready!" As he was still in his red and black striped long johns…with the butt-flap out for all to see his white pasty ass.

He skipped to the bathroom with glee, and brushed his teeth thoroughly. He stripped to his b-day suit, and quickly took a shower, singing delightfully as he scrubbed himself thoroughly.

After his short shower, he scrubbed himself dry, and put on his clothes, including his token top hat, all with a nice yet creepy smile, showing his large overbite.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pocket watch, which was broken and covered of butter stains. He looked at the unmoving hand and gasped, "Oh dear, oh dear, look at the time, it stopped! I've murdered it!"

He giggled as he threw it at the wall, clapping at it broke and scattered across the dirty floors. He skipped to the door and walked out the apartment, locking it behind him as he slid down the staircase railing.

He walked out to the streets, breathing the fresh air and waving his arms in the air in front of the crowds of people, walking by and not noticing the weird man with the overbite and large top hat.

"What a beautiful day in Wonderland!" he cooed, laughing out loud and putting his hands to his mouth.

He began to skip across the sidewalk, people ignoring the man, busy with their own lives to care for a demented mad man who thinks he is a fictional character.

As he walks he sees a girl tapping her foot as her mother was window shopping. Mad Hatter walked to the girl, the girl looked at him, and the Mad Hatter looked back. They soon began to dance in place, both smiling widely. Hatter moon-walked away, waving at the girl as she waved back.

The Mad Hatter walked into a small restaurant and greeted loudly, "Hello, fellow citizens, what a glorious morn to have a good eat, hm?"

"Shut up!" yelled a man from the back, throwing a pie at the Hatter. Tetch quickly ducked and stood back up, looking back at the man, who was the trucker from Dumb & Dumber, sitting down with his friends."Oh dear, we have a ruffian in our midst!" announced the Mad Hatter as he straightened his hat. He then stomped proudly to the trucker with a frown as the man got up and looked down the Mad Hatter.

"What the hell you want, freak?" growled the trucker.

"I request you apologize this instant!" ordered the Mad Hatter as he poked the man's chest, "I do not want to be so forward, but the pie-throwing incident is inexcusable and quite uncivilized!"

"Kick his ass, Seabass!" yelled one of the trucker's.

Seabass chuckled at the Mad Hatter, who then flicked the hat of the madman with pride. BIG MISTAKE! Anyone who is a Batman nerd should know that if you touch the Hatter's Hat, you are deep in the creek, buddy.

Jervis repositioned his hat and glared at Seabass, who looked at him with a smirk. "I'm afraid you forced my hand, and you will ultimately regret this unwise decision!"

"Go on, little man!" laughed Seabass, "Make your move!"

With a grin and a laugh, Mad Hatter grabbed a 10/6 card and swiped it onto the rim of Seabass' hat, who lost his tough exterior and seemed dead to the world.

"I am sorry, Mr. Hatter, please don't beat me up," moaned Seabass, his friends looking at him with surprise, "I am no match for your manly good looks, your impressive strength, and your fearless and intimidating appearance that even Batman would be afraid of, now leave me alone so I may finish my tea…no, you aren't supposed to say that, that either! Leave! Now!"

Mad Hatter just glared at him as Seabass stood there with a blank expression. After a long pause, Seabass turned around and returned to sitting at the table with his friends.

"Uh, Seabass? Are you alright?" asked one of his friends.

"Yes, I do believe I would like some tea," replied Seabass.

The friends looked at him and at each other, then nodding and agreeing with him. The Mad Hatter sighed and went to sit down at a table in the farthest side of the diner, ordering tea and biscuits from the waitress…named Alice…

…

Actually, I'm yankin' you, her name is Phyllis.

**Two Hours Later**

The Mad Hatter walked out of the diner after having his fill with tea, walking down the street with a grin, showing off his massive overbite. In the diner as he walked out, was a man pretending to be a goose, another man pretending to be a rabbit, and a woman named Phyllis pretending to be Chuck Testa...setting up dead animals everywhere.

...

Yeah...

The Mad Hatter walks to the park and begins to skip down the cobblestone path to the wooden bridge. He started singing out a happy, "La-La-La!" and not noticing the Batman in front of the bridge, with Robin and Batgirl next to him.

Without knowing he was there, Jervis bumped into the Batman, who glared at the Hatter as said Hatter yelped and jumped back, but quickly regained his composure and dusted off his jacket with a smile.

"Jolly good show, Batman!" laughed the Mad Hatter, "You sure do know how to sneak up on little ol' me! AH HA HA HAA! Good show!"

Batman just gave a scowl as the Mad Hatter laughed and clapped. Apparently, he was not amused.

"Jervis, you do know that I am a crime-fighter, correct?" interrogated Batman.

"Oh, yes, jolly good show!" laughed the Mad Hatter.

"Yes, and you DO know that you have stolen money from ten different banks, correct?" interrogated Robin with a frown.

"Oh, yes, it's all part of the show!" laughed the Mad Hatter, "I needed that money to fund my research, and my little gizmos and gadgets, you understand, correct?"

"How about the kidnapping of women named Alice?" growled Batman, clenching his fists.

"Oh, I thought they were MY Alice! A common mistake!" defended the Mad Hatter, "And in the…um…violent aspects, I had to make them pay for lying to me! Lying is a very rude habit."

Batgirl, silently staring at him, just uttered, "…Pedophile."Mad Hatter's attitude turned from sunny to stormy as he fumed out loud, "Why does everyone keep saying that? I am not a pedophile! I wish someone would stop them from saying such slanderous bile! I am not a PEDOPHILE!"

"Come on, Batgirl," groaned Batman, "Hatter's a lot of things, but not a pedophile!"

"Grant Morrison," added Batgirl.

"Okay, I know Grant is very creative, but he CAN be wrong about a lot of things, no one is perfect, dammit," argued Batman.

"I mean, you can hate Rob Liefeld without restraint, but he DID help create that one popular character that looked suspiciously like Deathstroke the Terminator," defended Robin. The Mad Hatter looked at all of them, obviously the three were distracted with Grant Morrison and Rob Liefeld. He grinned as he walked back slowly.

"Haters," added Batgirl with a glare.

"Look, I liked his rendition of me, and me going through time is really badass," argued Batman intelligently, "But please…Batman Incorperated?"

"What? I thought that was pretty cool," defended Robin, now siding away from Batman.

"No, no, saying Bruce Wayne financed me for years, that is really dumb," argued Batman, poking Robin's face."It would be a perfect alibi, since in actuality, you're really Bruce Wayne!" Robin ranted angrily.

"That's were you're wrong!" growled Batman insanely as he grabbed Robin's collar.

"Hatter!" pointed out Batgirl, and then Batman and Robin quickly looked to find Mad Hatter gone. The two turned back at Batgirl with a glare.

"Nice goin', Cassie!" growled Robin.

"You let him get away, derpy!" berated Batman.

Batgirl just glared at them and muttered hatefully, "Assholes."

**Ten Hours Later**

After outwitting the Batman and going to see that new Tim & Eric movie, and then getting a few groceries…for free!

Anyway, after all that, he decided to return home, with three free bags of groceries in his arms. He hummed happily as he marched up the stairs, skipping to his apartment door.

He pulled the key from the rim of his hat and slid it into the hole, turning the key and unlocking the door.

He opened it with a smile, only to be greeted by the BAT-FIST! It rushed at his face, a trail of blood from his huge nose as he fell onto the floor, water escaping from his eyes.

"HA! No one escapes from the Batman!" he gloated with Robin and Batgirl walking to his side from inside the apartment.

"I think you may have hit him TOO hard, Bats," cautioned Robin with concern for Hatter.

"Nah, he can take it," gloated the Batman, posing a proud pose. Instantly after that, Mad Hatter began to bawl loudly and excessively, like a looked guilty, looking at Robin and Batgirl's faces, ashamed at Batman for his disregard for excessive force.

"What?" groaned Batman, "I do this all the time!""Not with Mad Hatter," berated Robin, "He's special.""Shame," sighed Batgirl."Fine!" groaned Batman in frustration, "I'll make it up to him." He then knelt down in front of the bawling Mad Hatter, pushing his hat over his head.

"Hey…uh, Hatter…I'm…I didn't…" stammered Batman, who was still new to the apology deal, he then asked with a forced concerned voice, "Look, how 'bout we get you a milkshake before I take you Arkham?"

"Milkshakes?" asked Mad Hatter curiously and in fear, then adding with a gleeful tone, "Milkshake is tea in ice cream form! Good show! Good show!"

He quickly got up and smiled at the Batman, who just groaned and told, "Follow me, Jervis."

The Mad Hatter followed Batman and his group of teenage warriors to the Batmobile, and before you knew it, they all had a nice milkshake. And they all lived happily ever after…except for Seabass who was still at the diner…mind controlled…starving…to death.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Short chapter it was, I just pretty much wanted to make a short one-shot of one of my favorite villains, the Mad Hatter.<strong>

**And yes, I do not, I repeat, do NOT believe he is a pedo, that's too obvious! Next chapter will have another Grant Morrison creation, guess who!**


	12. I Am Ze UberBat!

**The Banana Slug: Yep, after re-doing the whole "Meet the Clayface" chapter, I had an idea for another TF2-based rip-off, this time including our old creator of Arkham City, you know him as the balding nutsack who tried to blow you up!**

**Don't know? Boy, I am truly sorry for you. ):[**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 12: I am ze UberBat!**

* * *

><p>It was a peaceful day in Gotham City, with the birds singing and the sun shining from the east. However, it was not all peachy-keen. You see, the police decided to raid Arkham Asylum after the inmates, led by the Joker, started a riot and took over the entire complex.<p>

However, Joker was shot in the chest with a shotgun, and is currently in Medical Wing, in critical care. Meanwhile, Harley and Two-Face were running from missles being fired by the GCPD, excessive force much?

"Come on, pizza-face! Move it!" screamed Harley, covered in bruises and missing a tooth. Two-Face, in a wheelchair and half his body covered in bandages, vertically, not horizontally like it really should be.

"Hurry up, you WAH!" Harley was throw to the ground by an explosive, only to get up and see a cloud of mortars shoot out right at her direction. She replied with an exacerbated, "Ah, crap!"

Soon after, a large explosion sent her flying and wailing at the asylum medical buidling, landing face-first into one of the windows, cracking it against her soft make-up ridden face. Before she went under, she moaned, "…Medic…"

She slid down the glass as a large flying fox looked out the window at the poor abused girlfriend.

**Meet the Strange**

In the very room the window Harley hit was, the Joker and Hugo Strange were laughing as the crazed doctor preformed surgery in the Joker's open chest…who was still awake!

The Joker was strapped in the operating table for his own good, his chest wide open, and a large devious machine in front of him from the ceiling. He had two tubes pumping blue liquid in his mouth that seemed to be keeping him alive

"Wait, wait, it get's better!" laughed Hugo Strange, wiping his tears, "The doctor made the patient eat his own tongue through hypnosis…and the doctor was never heard from again!"

At the punch line, Hugo Strange wildly laughed as he swung the scalpel in one hand and Joker's heart in the other hysterically. The Joker responded with an even wilder laugh and began to bang on the metal platter full of sharp and bloody surgical tools.

The two began to calm down, now sighing and chuckling. "Anyway," sighed Hugo Strange, wiping his brow, "That was how I lost my medical license. Heh."

The Joker didn't have time to respond, as something was in his guts, causing a burst of blood. From the blood was a small fruit bat, poking around."Silverwing! Get out of there!" shouted Hugo Strange, shooing the bat away from Joker's innards, "It's filthy in that clown's rotted gullet!""Ten years of booze and candy can do that to a person!" joked the Joker, still in high-spirits even at near-death.

"True, true," sighed Hugo Strange, who dropped the scalpel and grabbed a device from the small table in the far right corner.

"Now, most hearts couldn't withstand voltage as strong as this," explained Hugo Strange as he plugged the device into Joker's heart, then pressing it near the green mist emanating from one of the tubes in the dark machine, "But, due to your years of cheating death, I am certain yours will…"

And with that, it exploded, shooting bits of Joker heart everywhere. The Joker was looking at a picture of Amadeus Arkham so he didn't notice, but then, of course, heard the bloody splatter.

"What was that noise?" asked a concerned Joker.

Hugo was silent for a long time, then turning his head at Joker with a dark smile, "Hm, hm, the sound…of progress…" He rushed to the fridge and opened it, which was full of hearts from patients all over Gotham. He looked through the list, then gasped with pride as he saw a heart labeled, "SOLOMUN GRUNDY".

"Here it is!" he laughed, grabbing it and revealing the disembodied head of Ra's al Ghul, still alive.

"Write me," demanded the Demon's Head.

"Later," responed Hugo Strange, closing the door on Ra's al Ghul's face. He turned to Joker and wiped his nose, "Where was I? Oh yes, your new heart!"

He plugged the bloody device into the giant heart and placed it against the green mist again, glaring at it as it began to beat again.

"Yes…Yes!" hissed Hugo Strange. As the heart beated faster with a green light inside, he began to laugh maniacally. The Joker laughed to, only more confused and worried, wondering exactly what Hugo is doing to his new heart.

Hugo Strange stopped laughing and just leered at the heart, then gave a dark smirk as it stopped growing and maintained a green and semi-transparent form.

"Hm, looks healthy," remarked Hugo, simply letting it fall down onto the Joker's open chest, red blood splattering like a rock on a puddle.

"Uuuuhh, should I…be awake…for this?" stammered the Joker, looking at his new heart with suspicion.

"Aha, well, no," replied the strange man named Hugo, then asking, "But as long as you are, mind holding your ribcage out for a bit?"

"Strapped down, buddy!" yelled the Joker.

"Oh, too bad, this is going to heart," sighed Hugo, who began to push the heart into the Joker's ribcage, groaning as the Joker grunted.

Hugo finally pushed the heart in after much resistance, Joker yelled in pain as he felt something break. He looked to see Hugo holding one of the Joker's ribcages, already with cracks from many skirmishes with Batman.

"Don't be such a baby, Joker, ribs grow back," assured Hugo, who turned to one of his bats and whispered, "No they don't."

The bat flew away as Hugo grabbed the evil machine and pointed it at the Joker, turning a knob quickly. It shot a beam of green mist onto the Joker, his wound beginning to heal back quickly.

The Joker smiled as he looked at the wonder, seeing his open chest become a normal chest again, and proving that ribs do in fact, grow back. Hell, he even proved clothes are organs, for the Joker's clothes grew back as well!

The Joker sighed as Hugo undid the straps, patting his chest and feeling his own heartbeat. The clown inhaled deeply, then asked with a smile, "What now?"

"Now?" replied Hugo, smiling and grabbing the Joker's hand, "Let's go practice…medicine!"

With that, Joker and Hugo got ready to fight. The clown grabbed his gun and knife, with Hugo grabbing a handheld version of the dark machine that fixed the Joker. He cracked his neck as he led the Joker out the Medical Facility, a cloud of bats exiting as the two walked out the front doors.

Hugo Strange watched as he saw mortars across the sky as Harley was on the ground injured, Scarecrow and Mad Hatter hiding behind a rock, and Two-Face wheeling down the hill, screaming, "Coin says Medic!", before flying into the air as a mortar hit the ground behind him, landing on the dirt roughly.

One would be afraid, but not Hugo Strange, due to his obsession of being better than Batman, he pushed up his glasses and scratched his magnificent beard. With a roll, he rushed to Two-Face and shot a beam right at his hurt body.

Two-Face quickly got up and ripped the bandaged part of his body, revealing his scarred side again. Don't ask my why it couldn't just heal his whole face, I don't care, I'm tired.

The professor then shot the beam at Harley Quinn, who got up and grabbed her hammer, fully rejuvenated and ready to kick ass! She and Two-Face ran back to the front lines, Two-Face shooting at the GCPD with his shotgun as Harley bashed Harvey Bullock in the face with her gigantic hammer, laughing out loud.

Joker barricaded behind an overturned po-po car and saw a large crowd of filled with the men-in-blue. Joker turned to Hugo and yelled out, "Hey, Baldy! Are you sure this will work?"

Hugo laughed insanely, and then yelled out with a nutty gleam in his eyes, "I HAVE NO IDEA!" Strange flipped a switch, and shot a more concentrated blast of green goodness at the Joker, who stood in front of the crowd with a pose.

He flinched as he felt the beam hit him, then laughing madly as he stretched his arms and his body began to pulsate. His green heart began to pump wildly, causing his muscles to grow and bulge.

Joker's muscles began to bulge, his muscles increasing and his teeth turning jagged. And before you could say, "Nutsack on a haystack", Joker turned into a large muscular beast with long claws and green glowing eyes, his shirt ripped to reveal his pecs.

The Joker laughed in a dark and monstrous tone, rushing at the cops as bullets bounced off the flesh of the Joker. It did not even hurt the Joker, who laughed at their puny attempts at pain, with the professor of strangeness pumping him full of dark green mist. Not even a mortar was hurting the monster Joker.

"I AM BULLETPROOF!" laughed the Joker insanely, "JOKER SMASH! JOKER SMASH!" He began to tear and bash GCPD officer's like crazy, rushing through them and killing all that stood in his way.

Scarecrow and Mad Hatter watched this display of badassery, the Hatter clapping and laughing as the Scarecrow grew jealous and hateful.

It only took the newly empowered Joker to kill all the GCPD officers and laugh on top of the mountain of their bloody corpses, Hugo Strange standing beside him, pumping him with constant feel-good mist…the dawn approaching from behind…enhancing their feeling of victory…

* * *

><p><strong>Pyg's New Friend!<strong>

Batman and Robin were playing chess in the park, and as always, Batman was white and Robin was black, because Batman must always, and I do mean always, move first.

They both groaned as Professor Pyg stumbled to the two, not sure if he was drunk or drugged right now, most likely both.

"Hey! Hey! Listen!" snorted Pyg, waving his arms wildly, "You need to meet my new friend!"

Batman groaned again and turned to Pyg, "Listen here, you fat bitch! I don't want to hurt you today, because I can't tell if you like that or not!"

"Nooooo! You must meet him! He's so beautiful!" squealed the Pyg, rushing away from the two.

"What the hell is wrong with that…that?" let out Robin, sighing and slapping his forehead.

"I really….really, really…REALLY don't know," sighed Batman. They both saw him come back as he dragged a man wearing a pink version of Prince's outfit, having pink spiky hair and sharp teeth, white eyes that stare at your soul.

"This is my new friend, Flamingo!" introduced Professor Pyg, putting his arm on the Pink Prince's shoulder, "He's a new villain!"

Batman gave a wide-eyed response, but Robin began to laugh hysterically. "Are you kidding me? Flamingo? That is so god damn stupid!" Robin continued to laugh as Batman nudged at Robin as he continued to stare at Flamingo, who stared back at him, grinning and showing off those chompers of his.

"Robin, shut up, now," warned Batman.

"Okay, okay, what does he drive around in?" teased Robin, "A pink scooter?"

"No, a pink motorcycle!" revealed a proud Professor Pyg.

Robin laughed harder, slapping his thigh as Batman sighed and tried to stop Robin from laughing by shaking the boy's shoulder.

"Robin, shut up!" growled Batman.

"Oh, please! Are you intimidated by **this**?" laughed Robin, then asking Pyg as the boy was still laughing madly, "So, what does this Flamingo dude do?"

"He's a mafia hitman!" proudly and loudly shouted the professor.

"Are you serious?" laughed Robin, "He's wearing all pink, he drives around in a pink motorcycle, and he is named after a pink bird! That is so gay!""I'd shut up if I were you, Robin!" grunted Batman.

"Okay, okay, so what is his, dare I say, **trademark**? What is his modus operandi?" teased Robin, "Does he tickle them to death with pink feathers?"

Professor Pyg shook his head and stated, "No, he eats people's faces." Robin then instantly stopped laughing, his face frozen in a smile. Batman nodded with closed eyes and a frown.

"Are you…serious?" asked Robin, his frozen smile slightly going down.

"Yes, my sexy little friend," added Professor Pyg, "My friend Flamingo eats the faces of the whores of Gotham! He once invited a bunch of **terrible** actresses and ate all of their faces after forcing them to strip to their underwear and killed all but one with a serrated knife!"

"Oh," was all that Robin said, obviously disturbed and misjudging of the sadistic creature based on the pink bird. The Flamingo darted his head at Robin's direction, causing Robin to jump as the pink foe gave a deep grin with his razor-sharp teeth glistening in the sunlight.

"We, uh, we need…to…go…" let out Batman, getting up slowly.

"Uh, yeah, we need to…find…the Joker!" made up Robin nervously, getting up with Batman.

"Yeah! Yeah…the, uh, Joker…stole…cakes," lied Batman, backing away with Robin, "So, we will…just…"

"Go! Go away!" snorted Professor Pyg, "Cause mayhem and mayhem! Me and my new friend are just fine without you! Begone! Post haste!"

Batman and Robin bowed and left the creepy bastard children of Grant Morrison. Robin then whispered loudly to Batman, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried, but you didn't listen!" hissed Batman, both of them power-walking away in great speed.

Professor Pyg and Flamingo watched them leave, Flamingo reached into his pocket and pulled out a bloody face. He put it into his mouth and loudly chewed it with his sharp teeth, blood gushing out his teeth.

Pyg looked over and watched Flamingo gnaw on the dead bloody face, the professor licking his chops as he watched the man eat.

"Can I…have some?" asked Professor Pyg shyly. Flamingo replied with a shake of a head, apparently liking the taste of face.

* * *

><p><strong>EPILOGUE<strong>

The inmates have taken the asylum, and everyone wanted that new mega-heart Hugo was offering. Many of the asylum inmates waited outside Hugo's office, they included Scarecrow, Mad Hatter, Firefly, Killer Croc, Two-Face, Black Mask, and Mr. Zsasz.

In the office was Harley Quinn, shaking Hugo's hand after a successful operation and then bursting out the door with a joyous and triumphant laugh.

"Wow! Amazing!" laughed Harley, "You would not BELIEVE…how much this hurts right now!"

Suddenly, she felt a bulge in her chest and heard a chirp inside of her. Causing her to shriek and look down, seeing something push inside of her.

"Silverwing?" shouted out Hugo, "Is that you?"

Harley sighed and walked back into the office, closing it behind her.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I was just watching "Johnny Test", and it turns out the dad is kinda abusive. Not physical, of course. Verbally, debatable. Mentally, definitely. Why the constant punishment? Why the antagonism? Why the meatloaf? Are you trying to make a second Jeffrey Dahmer?<strong>

**CALL CHILD SERVICES!**


	13. I Like Penguins

**The Banana Slug: Did you guys know that Batwoman was gay? I did, I always knew.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 13: I Like Penguins**

* * *

><p><strong>Batmobile Confessions II<strong>

Another night in Gotham, the Batmobile racing across the city with an insane speed, missing all the cars with great accuracy. Batman is a crazy driver, but he is a SAFE crazy driver.

Batman and Robin were sitting in the front seat, with Batgirl in the back, playing with her Nintendo DS. Her focus was completely on the game as the entire car was silent.

Batman coughed forcefully due to the silence, then asked, "Hey, uh, Batgirl…what'cha, uh, what'cha playin'?"

She didn't answer right away, but after a slight pause, she muttered, "Mario."

"Oh, which one?" asked Batman.

"64 DS," replied Batgirl.

"Yeah, yeah," sighed Batman, trying to make a conversation, "I…I got the 64 version for Dick when he was a kid…I heard the new one is better though…"

Robin nodded his head as Batgirl continued to play her game, Batman inhaling and exhaling loudly and in long periods. And then, out of nowhere, he asks them a question. "You guys screwed yet?"

"Wha!" gulped Robin, Batgirl's eyes widening. Robin violently coughed and questioned in surprise, "Why would you ask that?"

"You are," laughed Batman, "The whole reaction says you did!"

"We didn't!" defended Robin in panic.

"No need to explain!" chuckled Batman, "I already know, that's all done, next subject!" Robin shook his head softly and looked at Batgirl, who was glaring at Robin. The boy wonder could only shrug in defense, Cassandra replied by looking away.

The Batmobile was silent once again, Robin sighed and reached for the radio. He turned it to rock'n'roll, as it was playing "God Gave Rock'n'Roll To You" by "KISS". He, however, forgot Batman hated rock and switched it.

"Robin?" grunted out Batman.

"Sorry, I forgot!" apologized Robin.

"Forgot what?" asked Batman as he reached his hand to the knob and switched it back to KISS, smiling as he slightly banged his head to the song.

Robin and Batgirl looked at Batman with amazement and fright, especially when he began to sing some of the lyrics of the chorus.

"Batman?" let out Batgirl.

"Shush! This is the best part!" ordered Batman, wanting to hear the second verse. After it was done, he then asked the two casually, "What?"

"Um, I thought you HATED rock'n'roll," reminded Robin suspiciously.

"Uh, NO!" angrily defended Batman, then monologue with a sad tone, "My father raised me in rock, believe it or not! He gave me a KISS CD the night…he died. And on the anniversary of his death, I would listen to the whole CD in my room. Sure, I cry, I sob, I beg for him and my mother to come back, but I listen to it with love and remembrance."

"Really? Because some comic said you hated rock'n'roll," replied Robin as he scratched his head.

"Those were lies spread by…them," growled Batman.

"Who?" asked Batgirl.

"Bastards, Cassandra…dickless bastards," replied Batman with a grim voice and a dark glare.

"That's good to here!" exclaimed Robin happily, "What else do you like?"

"Ask," demanded Batman happily.

"Rap?" asked Batgirl.

"I dabble," responded Batman.

"Country?" asked Robin.

"Not really, only like a few songs, but that's it," sighed Batman.

"Gospel?" asked Batgirl.

"No," grunted Batman.

"Metal?" asked Robin.

"Hell to the yeah," laughed Batman.

"Punk?" asked Batgirl."Contrary to belief, I did not have a girlfriend killed by a Sid Vicious reject," added Batman, "…But yes, I like a bit of punk…"

"How about Pop?" asked Robin with a dumb smile.

Batman growled and clenched his fists as they tightened against the steering wheel. "POP? Pop is nothing but death! And crime! And a rage of a beast!" Robin and Batgirl looked at each other in fear.

"How 'bout we shut up about music for now, 'kay?" laughed Robin nervously.

"That would be best," growled Batman.

An uncomfortable silence was present during the whole drive, apparently his father told Batman that pop was bad before they died. Robin dropped a penny, but quickly picked it up.

"So, uh, Cassandra, did you know that Batman likes Azumanga Daioh?" uttered Robin.

"Yes," said Batgirl.

"Good show, full of heart-warming goodness," said Batman with a forced and psychotic smile, "So much funny happiness."

"Oh…'kay then…" uttered Robin, then getting out of his funk and asking Batgirl, "Anyway, when do you think new Fairly Oddparents episodes will come out?" Batgirl replied with a shrug.

"I pity that boy," sighed Batman, frowning and closing his eyes…as he drove.

"Why's that?" asked Batgirl, not caring about Batman's closed eyes driving, obviously the Dark Knight knows how to drive without the use of his eyes.

"Think of it, that boy has parents that leave him with a psycho babysitter, telling him they were much better without him born, to top that!" pointed out Batman, "His life is all crap really, his mother buys useless materials for her own selfish needs, his babysitter is homicidal and possibly a pedophile, his teacher is clinically insane and possibly a pedophile, suffers abuse from an evil albino, his friends care little of him, his godparents are near incompetent, and his father might have Down Syndrome due to his actions and body shape. You can tell from the neck, really."

"But does that make him a bad father?" argued Robin.

"No, having Down Syndrome does not hinder his fatherly abilities, Robin," instructed Batman with the truth, "What makes him a bad father is the fact he refuses to grow up, take responsibility for his actions, and take a better initiative! That is what makes him a bad father, not autism!"

"They care," added Batgirl.

"Bull! I call bull!" yelled Batman.

"They do too! I have personally seen episodes OTHER than from the earlier seasons that showed they cared!" argued Robin.

"I haven't seen those episodes, so your argument is moot!" laughed Batman as he glared at Robin and poked his chest with a trollicious grin. Suddenly, the Batmobile crashed into Scarecrow's tractor, as Scarecrow was slowly evading the police after gassing a whole Kindergarten class…and that's terrible.

Scarecrow screamed as he was ejected from his seat, propelled by the explosion of his tractor and sent down at the road, tumbling like a rag doll before hitting a local fruit stand, run by an undercover Harvey Bullock, eating a banana.

"Yep, you're going to jail," said Harvey, his mouth full of banana meat. Scarecrow did not hear this, as he was either unconscious or dead. Harvey didn't give two-fucks either, he was enjoying…his delicious banana.

Batman already had his car stopped in front of the GCPD officers who took Scarecrow's (lifeless?) body to the ambulance, with Batman sporting a happy smile.

"You knew he'd be here, didn't you," said Robin with a sparkling admiration.

"Nope," uttered Batman didn't say anything for a while, then letting out a justified, "Huh?"

"Yep, that was totally by accident!" laughed Batman, with Robin giving him a look that says, "I am sitting next to a nutjob!". Robin quickly shook his head and glared at Batman.

"You have lost all driving privileges, gimme the wheel!" ordered Robin, reaching out to grab the wheel. Batman saw this and gave Robin's young and eager hands a hard slap. Robin yelped in pain and sucked on his hurt fingers.

"Tryin' to grab mah wheel?" mumbled Batman, frowning deeply and glaring in rage, "Boy, you out your mind….no one grab mah wheel but meh. Dat's a fact."

It is a fact, you know.

* * *

><p><strong>Penguin's Failure<strong>

In the Iceberg Lounge, deep in the Penguin's secret office inside of said Iceberg Lounge, there was the Gentleman of Crime, Penguin.

He was in his bathroom, tidying up as one of his henchmen walked into the bathroom. "You look spiffy, boss!"

"Correct, my good man!" laughed the Penguin, "I have tried the online dating once more, and this time, it will not fail horribly."

"I quite agree, sir," replied the henchman.

Penguin finished up and put on his top hat and held his umbrella with pride, he turned to his right hand guy and asked, "Did my date arrive yet?"

"Yes, sir," said the man happily.

"Is it…the Joker?" asked the Penguin with suspicion.

"Oh, no sir, we've checked," replied the man with a proud grin.

"Thank you!" replied the Penguin with a soft smile, then waddling past the man and walking down the stairs. As he opened the doors to his luxorious Iceberg Lounge, a henchman walked to him and said, "Your date is sitting in Table 4, sir."

"Good choice, my cohort," thanked the Penguin, flipping a silver dollar to the man. He graciously grabbed it and nodded, leading the Penguin to the table.

Penguin didn't bother to look at his date as he sat down at the table, grabbing a martini and smelling the rim of it sensually."A toast, to us!" announced the Penguin, raising his martini up, "To a long night…of amour!"

Suddenly, a large mug held by a large scaly hand cracked his martini and quickly receded back. Penguin was flabbergasted, he looked at his date and saw Killer Croc, eating a large leg of ham and drinking a mug of Mike's Hard.

"Killer Croc?" shrieked Penguin, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm your date," growled Killer Croc.

"You? I always knew the Joker was, but you?" interrogated Penguin cautiously.

"Keep dreaming, bird," hissed Killer Croc, "I only came for the damn grub!"

The henchman smiled as he looked at Penguin with his date, the Penguin looked back at the henchman…he was not amused.

"Why didn't you tell me it was Killer Croc?" growled the Penguin in fury.

"You didn't ask," replied the henchman idiotically. Other henchmen gathered around and nodded as Killer Croc gnawed and Penguin fumed.

He grabbed his umbrella and shot the henchman who answered him in the chest, killing him with one shot. The other henchmen backed away slowly and in fear as the Penguin aimed the umbrella at them as well. "Don't. Be. So. Literal! You ignorant ignoramuses." he ordered as he put the umbrella down again.

"Ooooh, more food!" hissed Killer Croc with joy, who leapt down and began to gnaw on the corpse. Penguin sighed as he watched the monster eat the corpse, with blood staining the floors. Bone crunching echoed across the lounge, and Killer Croc having his fill.

Oswald got off from his chair and waddled off, his henchmen following him. "Uh, sir, we'll, uh, we'll make sure it's a girl next time," explained the embarrassed and understandably frightened men…in unison.

"Very well, but I do believe that internet dating will be put on hold for a while," sighed the Penguin, "I may try actual dating again, the internet is too…bizarre."

He waddled up the stairs, opened up the door, and revealed an all-too-familiar scenario. It was…SCARECROW! And he was covered in blood, staring at him with his milky white eyes, and laughing menacingly.

"I am in no mood, Scarecrow!" roared Penguin as he waddled past Scarecrow and entered his bathroom. Scarecrow frowned and hung his head low in sadness. He limped out and fluttered out the window, continuing his escape from the GCPD…and Batman…

…

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Bren has been asking me to do this one, I have decided to be generousitious and make him the chapter.<strong>

**As you can see, I made a part of this chapter as a fan's TAKE THAT on Batman: Fortunate Son. Batman is not THAT stupid! Penguin, however, is more likely to hate rock. Joker is likely to listen to Mindless Self Indulgence. And Riddler is gay for liking ABBA. ****:|**


	14. Return of the Dick, I mean, Riddler

**The Banana Slug: Yep, Bane is gonna be in the new Batman movie. I was hopin' for Riddler, but Bane is just as good. Hopefully, he'll be better than the Batman and Robin version, oh dear god…**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Abba, nor their hit song, Dancing Queen. This is all for fun and I do not own any of Abba's material. I have no money, there is no need to take this down or SUE ME!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 14: Return of the Dick. I mean, Riddler**

* * *

><p><strong>Batman's Game<strong>

Batman wakes up in a public restroom with water in ankle-height, him laying in the cold water, face to the side. He coughs and get's up, spitting out water as he stumbles up, wiping some of it off his face, for it could be dirty cold water.

He looks around and attempts to walk forward, but stumbles as his right ankle is chained to the wall. He looks around again and sees a television screen on the wall.

The screen turned on to reveal the Riddler, smiling like a jerk!

"Hello, my brave Dark Knight!" laughed the Riddler, "I have captured you once again, and this time, my evil diabolical plan to crush you mentally will work this time!"

"Sure, whatever," grunted Batman, obviously not giving two-fucks, "Gimme da riddles."

"Anxious to lose, Dark Knight?" taunted the Riddler, "Glad to here it! Solve my riddle and you will escape to the next challenge! Lose, and the water you stand in will be electrically charged, shocking you to death!"

"Bring it on, bitch!" growled Batman.

Riddler pushed up his glasses and gave a taunting chuckle, "Riddle Me This: I have a head, a tail, and…"

"Penny," answered Batman quickly.

"…Huh?" let out a flabbergasted Riddler.

"You gave me this riddle before, ass!" yelled Batman, "Or…no, you aren't an ass…YOU'RE A DICK!"

"Shut up!" screamed Riddler, then slamming a button with his fist. Batman was freed from his bonds and a door opened in the next room.

"You won't succeed this one, Dork Knight!" yelled Riddler.

"It's DARK Knight, retard," chuckled Batman as he strolled to the door.

"I knew that!" argued the Riddler, "I was making fun of you!"

"And failing!" chimed Batman as he walked into the next room. Riddler grunted and turned off the television screen, not giving up yet.

* * *

><p><strong>Robin's Game<strong>

Robin wakes up in a chair, strapped down without escape. He began to hyper-ventilate, looking around violently, before letting out an ear-piercing scream."Help! Help! I have been abducted! Some one! Anyone! Heeeeelp! I need an adult! I need a goddamn adult!"

The television screen at the end of the room turned on and revealed the Riddler, smug like a duck. "Hello, I'm the…"

"AAAAAAGH! Help! I am trapped! Confused! And very scared! …I also want a milk bar! Tell Batman to get me a milk bar!" screamed Robin, not noticing the Riddler, "And tell him I will pay him back! Eventually! Not in that way!"

"I am the…" continued the Riddler, only to be interrupted again, much to his chagrin."And maybe a soda! I want a Pepsi! All I want is a Pepsi! I'm not on drugs!" screamed Robin, "I am just thinking! Get me a Pepsi, Batman! Not a Diet! Diet sucks!"

"SHUT UP!" roared the Riddler. Robin did so and looked at the captor, tears dripping slightly as he began to sniffle.

"I am the Riddler, and I would like to play a game," announced the Riddler, then saying in annoyance, "I…just have to wait for Batman…to get back…from using the bathroom.""He's got a bathroom?" asked Robin.

"No, it's just this room with water which used to be a restroom," explained the Riddler in disgust, "I told him the toilets don't work so he's pretty much using the water inside as a large toilet and OH! Batman! Finally!"

Robin looked to see Batman coming out of a door in an area of the room that was closed off by a large glass wall. It had little speakers set in it, allowing speech to be heard.

"Hey, Robin, what's up?" asked Batman casually.

"I'm stuck in a chair with the Riddler looking at me, WHAT DO YOU THINK?" screamed a frightened Robin.

"Dunno, looks like you're whining like a little bitch," said Batman casually, scratching his crotch and sniffing loudly.

"Here is the challenge, Batman and Robin!" ordered the Riddler, "You can help Robin escape his terrible fate by you two thinking of a number, and after I finish counting, you both say it! If you both say the same number, I let Robin free! Get it wrong, and I minus the highest number with the lowest number, and shock Robin with that much volts."

Batman nodded to the Riddler and turned to Robin, "Now, you say three and I say three, so that means…""No! No! No!" yelled Riddler, "You can't do that! Don't say three! If you say three, I'll kill Robin!"

"Dick," grumbled Robin.

"Shut up!" yelled Riddler, he then announced proudly, "You have ten seconds to think of a number, any number than three. Remember, your sidekick's life is in your hand."

Riddler began to count, Robin began to sweat, and Batman began to doze off. And finally, with Edward getting to the final five seconds, Robin bit his tongue and closed his eyes, Batman was ready and waiting.

"3...2...1!" announced Riddler.

"Fifteen!" yelled Robin. They both looked over at Batman, who did not say a thing. He looked at both of them, not reacting. He then gasped and said, "Sorry, I dozed off, can I go again?"

Riddler sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Yes, you may, but please, pay attention this time! …10...9...8..."

"Twenty!" yelled Batman.

Riddler growled and banged his fists on his keyboard. "What?" asked a confused Batman. "Wait for me to finish counting!" yelled Riddler angrily.

"Okay!" Batman whining like a child.

The Riddler sighed and began to count again, going a little faster this time. And when he got to three, he went slower, getting to one in about five seconds.

"One!" shouted Robin.

"Two!" yelled Batman after Robin.

"Three!" yelled back Robin gleefully.

"Four!" laughed Batman.

"SHUT! UP!" roared the Riddler, "For that, I am shocking Robin with exactly…okay, two minus one is…one volt! HA!" He exclaimed the "HA" as he turned a knob slightly. Robin began to giggle like a child, then began to laugh, "The static tickles!"

"He's sensitive," excused Batman to an annoyed Riddler. The dastardly conundrum creator turned his device off, Robin groaning with dissatisfaction.

"Now, you get another try!" announced the Riddler, "Let's see if you get it right this time!"

"Okey-Dokey then," replied Batman as he stretched, "But hurry up, I gotta piss again."

The Riddler quickly counted to one, all in five seconds. He apparently had enough and wants this to end…now.

When he got to one, both Batman and Robin yelled out, "ONE!"

"WHAT!" screamed the Riddler.

"How'd you know?" laughed the Batman as the glass wall ascended to the ceiling, walking to Robin.

"I dunno, I thought of saying the last number because HE said it!" explained Robin happily, Batman undoing his straps, "I always thought you'd do the same, since I did it first."

"Actually, I wanted you to say two," explained Batman as he undid the final strap, "I wanted to do that counting thing we both did again. It was fun."

"Yeah, it was pretty fun," replied Robin, getting up and rubbing his wrists. Riddler glared at the two, huffing angrily and turning off the screen. A door opening behind the screen, Batman and Robin gave each other a high five and walked to the opening.

* * *

><p><strong>Catwoman's Game<strong>

The beautiful Catwoman woke up in a dingy room on a dingy bed, wearing only her headwear and her undergarments. She grunted and sat up, looking around. There was five different portholes in the room with numbers underneath, and a large television screen on the ceiling.

Catwoman got up and looked up, standing in her undies. The television turned on, not that way, and revealed the Riddler, also not that way.

"Greetings, kitty-cat!" announced the Riddler, "You must solve my challenge to get out alive. There are five portholes, one is a way out, and the other four leads to a scalding hot ventilation system that will roast you like a cat in a microwave!"

"I resent that statement!" yelled Catwoman, putting her hands on her hips.

"In order to find the right one, you must do a little math!" revealed the Riddler, "What is 55 plus 55 plus 55 divided by 5 times 6? And then, minus the answer with 980, and then divide that by 5, and only then will the answer will be given to you. No calculator, no repeating myself!"

"Are you serious?" complained Catwoman, crossing her arms together, "I hardly got all that math crap!"

"Cry me a river…and by the by, why are you in your underwear?" asked the Riddler.

"Oh, busy night with the Dark Knight," explained Catwoman with a smirk, "I'd rather not explain."

"Hm," replied Riddler, looking at Catwoman's body with a smirk. Catwoman groaned and called out, "Stop staring, you perverted dick!"

Riddler growled and punched the screen, breaking it. Catwoman sighed and looked at the five holes for a long while.

After scratching her bum, she pranced to the second porthole and climbed through the incredibly spacious pipes, crawling on four legs. Her sweat dripped down from her brow to her breasts, her body squeezed against the walls, and she panted softly with every…sorry, I got a little too excited there…

"Amazing, how did you figure out?" stammered the Riddler from the speakers.

"I guessed!" replied the Cat.

"Liar!" yelled the Riddler.

"Lick me!" retorted Catwoman angrily.

Their was a long pause, then the Riddler letting out, "Please?" Catwoman stopped and gulped, she refused to speak any more and continued to crawl through the larger than normal pipes.

* * *

><p><strong>Joker's Game<strong>

Joker woke up in another bathroom, just as dingy as the last yet didn't have the inch of piss-water. The whole place was dark, he couldn't see past the light that shined above him.

He moved around a bit and saw that he was trapped via cuff around his ankle. The Joker looked around and let out, "Am I…dead?"

"You're not dead," hissed a voice in the darkness.

"Hush? Is that you?" grunted the Joker, unamused, "Don't play me, man, is that you, Hush?"

The lights suddenly turned on, revealing the person to be…SCARECROW! He was chained to a pipe as well, smiling at the Joker. There was also a dead body on the floor, also chained to a pipe.

"Scarecrow?" growled Joker in annoyance, "Why are you in almost every chapter?"

"Why am I in all the Nolan Batman movies?" replied the Scarecrow smugly.

The Joker nodded and then added, "…Touché." Suddenly, the television screen they didn't notice turned on to reveal the Riddler.

"Hello, I would like to play a game," said the Riddler, "You have all brought misery to all, including me. And now, you will have to play for your lives!"

"You don't fool me!" laughed the Joker, "That is just a video recording and the real Riddler is right here!" He then raised his foot and slammed it on the back of the corpse, only for it to groan and reveal to be Two-Face, getting up in a drunk grumpiness.

"What the hell, Joker?" snapped Two-Face.

"Sorry, I thought you were Riddler," apologized the Joker, laughing as he did.

Two-Face looked around, and then turned to Scarecrow, "What are you doing here?"

"We've been kidnapped," replied the Scarecrow in boredom.

"Oh," replied Two-Face, "Where's my coin."

"In your pocket, along with a Wocket," joked the Joker. The Riddler sighed and shouted out, "Enough!"

"Oh, what did we do to you, poindexter!" angrily called out Scarecrow.

"For starters, Scarecrow, I recall that you were continuously cutting in front of me in line back at the Asylum during Drugs Day!" snapped the Riddler.

"That would not happen if you weren't so slow as hell!" snapped the Scarecrow.

"And how Joker stole my part in Arkham Theatre's production of _Rocky Horror Picture Show_," ranted the Riddler.

"I made a perfect Frank-N-Furter, Riddler, and you know it!" proudly announced the Joker.

"And Two-Face, singling me out every time we play dodge ball!" growled Riddler, "I never get to play for more than two minutes!"

"Maybe if you play dodge ball better," retorted a hung-over Two-Face.

"Yeah, don't be a dick, Riddler," snapped the Joker.

"Um, how about you shut your whore mouth, Joker!" loudly demanded the Riddler, then explaining his challenge, "In order to escape, you'll need a saw, I have one, but I will not give you this saw unless you figure out my riddle in five minutes, or mustard gas will fill the entire room."

"Bring it on, you monstrous green dick!" hissed the Scarecrow.

"Very well, you rapist," insulted the Riddler, then saying, "I have a head, a…"

"Penny," called out the Joker, "Why not just stop using the same riddle over and over again? Eh, Riddler? You dumb dick!"

"…Go to hell!" screamed the Riddler, turning off the screen. Three saws dropped next to the three criminals. They all grabbed their respective saws, excpet for Joker at first, who was trying to steal Two-Face's saw. The two got into a tug of war, until Two-Face kicked at Joker violently, getting his saw back and stopping Joker's trolling attempt.

They all began to rapidly saw the chains off, only for the saw to fail at getting through the steel. "They ain't workin' none!" screamed the Scarecrow.

"They weren't meant to cut through the chains, boys," realized the Joker with a smirk, "They were meant to cut through our feet."

Two-Face and Scarecrow looked at him with surprise and fear, all of them looking at each other.

"In any case, I nominate Scarecrow for the act of cutting off his foot first," announced the Joker.

"Nu-uh, I am not gonna do that unless someone else does it for me!" hissed the Scarecrow.

"Chicken!" scoffed Two-Face.

"There are only three things that scare the Scarecrow, Dent!" snapped Scarecrow, "Fire, Batman, and cutting my own limbs, those are my top three!"

"Well, I can't do it at all," explained the Joker, "I am very proud of my athletic abilities.""What athletic abilities?" snapped Scarecrow angrily, "I see you eat Cheetos in your underwear watching Adventure Time with Finn & Jake all the damn time! How is that healthy?"

"Okay, okay!" sighed the Joker, trying to find a solution, "How about this, how about that Two-Face cuts HIS leg first, then he cuts YOUR leg, and you two leave me here to die."

Scarecrow thinks about it for a minute, then adding gladly, "Sounds good to me, buddy!"

"Like hell I will!" yelled Two-Face, "There is no way, NO WAY, that I am doing this without some music to go with it!

"Me and Scarecrow will sing you Abba as you cut it off!" chimed the Joker.

Two-Face inhaled, and then exhaled, very very slowly. "Okay, I'm ready." As Two-Face grabbed the hacksaw, Scarecrow began to hum to the tune of "Dancing Queen".

Two-Face nodded, getting help from Scarecrow's humming, and ripped a piece of his coat and wrapped it around his leg, constricting it with the help of his teeth.

"You can daaaance! You can jive!" sang the Joker happily as Two-Face began to saw his foot, screaming as blood splattered on the floor, "Having the time of your life!"

"Oooooooh!" sang the Scarecrow, Two-Face screaming and sobbing with every saw.

"See that girl! Watch that seen! Diggin' the dancin' Queen!" sang the Joker, almost muting Two-Faces yells of pain.

Two-Face panted loudly, snot going down his nose and tears running down his face. "Okay, Scarecrow, lemme cut your leg off now…" he panted in pain.

"Hell no, that looked painful," hissed the Scarecrow in protest.

"Don't worry, I don't think we have to cut off Scarecrow's leg!" announced the Joker, he then reached into his pants. Two-Face and Scarecrow watched as the Joker grunted and reached, until he pulled out a key with a happy, "Tadaa!"

"A key!" exclaimed the Scarecrow. Two-Face was not amused.

Joker unlocked himself from the cuffs and crawled to Scarecrow. "Yeah, I forgot all about it!" laughed the Joker nervously. Two-Face threw the hacksaw at the mirror, breaking it and revealing an open room with a camera. The camera fell down and got broke, leaving Riddler viewless of the situation.

As Joker released the Scarecrow, a door at the end of the room opened up, revealing the way out.

"Well, let's get outta here," announced the Joker.

"What about my damn leg?" screamed Two-Face.

"Oh, stop being a baby, at least it was on the bad side!" added the Joker tauntingly. Two-Face looked at his bad-side, and nodded in agreement. "Should've flipped for it, though."

"Should've, would've, could've," replied the Scarecrow happily, grabbing Two-Face and slumping him over his shoulder. The two limped to the door as the Joker stood in the middle of the restroom, he looked over at the broken window room with a smile.

"You guys go ahead, I'll stay here," told the Joker softly.

"Our plan from the beginning," replied Two-Face, giving the Joker the finger. The two left the Joker, limping down the hallway to the next challenge.

* * *

><p><strong>The Final Game<strong>

Batman and Robin walked to a large gym with the floor replaced with metal squares, with many different platforms, neon Riddler targets, and deadly saw blades. At the end of it all was a large screen, the Riddler appearing at the end of it.

"Congradulations! You have made it!" laughed the Riddler.

"Yeah, well, the giant crocodile was a nice touch," added the Batman, "But the giant shark was easy…thanks to my Bat-Shark Repellant."

The two then saw a sweaty and half-naked Catwoman climb out of a vent and stumble next to the two. Batman looked down with puckered lips as Robin looked down with a sweaty and bewildered expression.

Catwoman got up, waving at the two with a cat-like smile. "Um, what's with the wardrobe?" asked a shy Robin.

"My fault!" laughed the Batman. "I know, right?" laughed Catwoman. Then the two began to laugh out loud, ignoring the Riddler much to his annoyance.

"So, is that everyone?" asked Batman, finally paying attention to the villain.

"Not at all!" announced the Riddler with a dark pride. The doors opened again to reveal Scarecrow carrying Two-Face heroically, the crazed villain walking to Batman and Robin and Catwoman with another crazed villain in his arms. Scarecrow looked at Catwoman, smiling in a perverted fashion, Catwoman replied with an annoyed sigh.

"Sorry we were late, had to dodge my way through a room full of whips," remarked the Scarecrow, "With this lazy son of a bitch in my arms."

"Now, that you are all here," continued the Riddler, "This last challenge will test your cooperation and your current predicaments, and with success, come out as intellectual equals."

"Two-Face lost a leg!" yelped Robin.

"I know, you little prick!" barked Two-Face angrily.

"All you have to do is use all of the abilities life has put into your dumb bodies and make it through my challenge!" announced the Riddler, "You will all have to go past electric floors, booby-trapped targets, deadly saw blades, rooms full of poison gas, polar bears, swarms of insects, furnaces ready to blast, one Velociraptor, and more bodily dismemberment for Halfy there.""Ah Damn it!" grunted Two-Face, face palming himself violently.

"And once you do! You will…" the Riddler stopped and looked at the group again, "Wait, where's the Joker?"

"Joker's here?" grunted Batman with a hateful tone.

"Was here, really," explained the Scarecrow, "He just stayed behind the room we came from.""No he didn't!" added Robin happily, "He's in the same room as the Riddler, don't you see?"

They all looked at the screen, the Riddler gave an audible gulp and looked slowly behind himself. He looked to see the Joker, standing over him with a lead pipe in hand. "Hiiiiiii," greeted the Joker in a Mr. Popo kind of way.

Riddler screamed as he was hit in the head with the lead pipe, causing the Riddler to crash against the screen and get knocked unconscious. The Joker laughed as he patted the pipe against his hand, his laugh growing louder and louder.

"So, uh, does that mean…we don't have to do the challenge?" asked Catwoman, rubbing her arm and stepping away from the drooling Scarecrow.

"Oh, no, you still get to do the challenge!" told the Joker with a sinister grin, pointing his finger at the screen.

Ah Damn it!" shouted Two-Face.

"Have fun you guys!" hissed the Joker, then releasing an insane, "Nya heh heh heh heh! Nyaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! AAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA HA HAAAAA!" The screen turned off, leaving the five to complete the incredibly deadly challenge, with a Velociraptor hidden there somewhere.

"Joker!" roared the Dark Knight with hate, shaking his fists in the air, adding another low for the Joker, somewhere near paralyzing Barbara Gordon and killing Jason Todd…

* * *

><p><strong>Riddler's Game<strong>

Riddler woke up, in a dark room, strapped to wooden chair, which was connected to a bunch of wires.

The Joker stepped out of the shadows with his insane grin, holding a cue card and a microphone.

"Hello, muchachos, I'd like to play a game," hissed the Joker, his lips pressed against the microphone, "You answer **my** riddle and you may very well survive this little encounter, fail, and you get a SHOCKING revelation!"

"You…dick!" stammered the Riddler angrily.

"Oh, don't be a sore loser, my boy," giggled the Joker, "Just answer three questions! This isn't a game show! If it was, I would've molested you by now! Just answer all the questions and answer them correctly, and you will get to leave here freely and with minimal bodily harm!"

Riddler looked around, trying to see if anyone else was there, hoping not to get molested. "Okay, okay, ask the question, it's obvious I'll get it right!" hissed the Riddler.

"Okay then," replied the Joker with a smug smile, putting on some glasses and reading from a single cue card, "What…is your name?"

"Edward Nygma!" announced the Riddler proudly, "Also known as…The Riddler!"

"What…is your purpose?" asked the Joker, smiling wider.

"To challenge feeble minded fools for my amusement and weed out the undesirables!" answered the Riddler with a grin.

"What…is my secret origin!" hissed the Joker. The Riddler gasped and looked around, obviously confused.

"Um…you were a struggling husband…you're wife died…and you took a job that turned you into the Joker?" answered the Riddler, hoping it was the right answer.

The Joker looked at the cue card, then sighing and shaking his head softly, the Riddler's stomach dropped…not literally, right now. "Sorry, we were looking for dairy farmer…dairy farmer. Dairy farmer was the answer."

"What? That doesn't make any sense!" screamed the Riddler. In fact, on the answer sheet, the third question was written down as, "Cheat!".

The Joker waltzed behind the chair to a large switch. "Sorry if I don't have a wet sponge or a black hood, just try NOT to think of the Green Mile."

"Please! Give me another chance!" pleaded the Riddler, shaking in the chair.

"Now, now, Riddler, that would be…a dick move!" taunted the Joker, laughing madly at his joke.

"Oooooh! I see what you did there!" snickered the Riddler, "That's actually pretty fun…" The conversation stopped there, as the Joker pulled the switch, electrocuting the Riddler to death. In the end, it was the Riddler…who was proven to be inferior…

…

…HOWEVER! Since this is comic books, the Riddler will somehow survive and appear later in the series. So, that was all for not and you will see the Riddler again…someday…

…Maybe not today, but someday soon…

Damn it sure does stink in here…

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Isn't that the case with all comics? Jason Todd came back. Ra's al Ghul keeps on coming back. Hell, I still don't believe the Joker in Arkham City is dead. Joker's alive. End of Story!<strong>

**P.S. Sorry for taking my sweet time, had a virus and had to do a whole system clean-up. Pretty sure I got them all.**


	15. I Break Your Prices In Half

**The Banana Slug: I apoligize for not bringing this during St. Patty's Day, I just got into some busyness to care of. So, I am truly, truly, truly, truly sorry. :**

…

**So, here's a chapter with Bane and a late St. Patrick's Day special.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 15: I Break Your Price In Half!**

* * *

><p><strong>Batman Goes Out For Mexican<strong>

Batman and Robin were driving in the Batpod, with Batman driving the pod while Robin was forced to ride in the cockpit. The Dynamic Duo stopped in front of a large restaurant in the middle of Gotham.

"Hey, Rubbin', I'm hungy, let's get some Mexcian food," ordered the Batman as he slapped the back of Robin's head.

Robin looked at the restaurant, which was called, "Las Espinas Rotas!", a large Mexican themed restaurant with a large neon sign. Robin groaned with unsureness and looked around in nervousness.

Robin grabbed Batman's cape as they walked to the restaurant, "I thought you were afraid of Mexicans?"

"I am not afraid of Mehicans, Robin!" growled the Batman, "And if you don't let go of mah cape, I will beat your head against my fist!" Robin nervously laughed and let go of the Dark Knight's cape, following him inside.

The two took a seat at a large table, with Moira from the Killer Croc chapter coming up to the table with a groan. "Hello, welcome to Las Espinas Rotas, where we break your prices in half, what would you like to drink?" she asked in disinterest.

"I will have tequila and the boy will have a toronja jarrito," told the Batman, much to Robin's chagrin.

"Great, your waiter will be with you soon to take your orders," sighed Moira, who turned away and walked with boredom to the kitchen. Batman grumbled about how he thought she was the waiter in the first place, but shook his head and let her be, not giving two-fecks.

"I can order by myself, thank you very much!" berated an annoyed Robin.

"No, you can't," replied the Batman simply.

"You're afraid of Mexicans!" yelled Robin, standing up and pointing at Batman.

Batman shushed him and chuckled nervously to the confused patrons, then hissing at Robin, "You want to ruin me with slander? I am not afraid of Mehicans! Why would you say that?"

"You said it to me once!" argued Robin, "You said, quote-on-quote, "_I am afraid of Mehicans!_", and it's Mexican's, Bats, not "Mehicans", dumkoff!"

"MehiCAN!" replied Batman angrily yet softly, "I am afraid of a Mehican! One Mehican! One!"

"Who?" asked Robin, raising his brow. Before he could answer, their waiter appeared, and won't you be surprised who it was!

"Hola! I am Bane!" he announced happily, "Proud owner and employee of Las Espinas Rotas, where we break prices in half! How may I take your order, amigos?"

Batman shrieked and jumped under his table, peeking out and looking at the towering Man Who Broke The Bat.

"So, it's the Batman and his petirojo! Welcome to my restaurant!" warmly greeted Bane, pulling out a notepad and pen, "Now, what would you like to eat?"

"I would like some carnitas, hold the sour cream, and my associate will have…" replied Robin happily, then asking, "What will you have, Batman?""Um, I dunno…" grunted Batman, sweating and looking at Bane, who smiled down at him in a rapey expression.

"Would you like a chimichanga and a quesadilla? With a side order of Pico de gallo?" asked Bane, "Y'know, your favorite dish?"

"Yes…it is…" shuddered Batman, "…I would like that…"

"And…how about some dessert?" chimed Bane with a nice mood.

Batman looked at him with his lower lip over his top lip. "Ummmm, I dunno…I'm not sure we want any…"

"How about some churros and ice cream for you and your partner?" questioned Bane in a creepy yet happy mood, then pressing his face near Batman's, much to the Dark Knight's fright, then adding, "It's really gooooooood."

Batman began to sweat a storm, then forcing himself to smile, saying, "Sure…that sounds…lovely…"

"Of course, wise decision!" bellowed Bane happily, much to Batman's paranoia, "I will be with you again shortly!" Batman watched Bane walk away, then glaring at Robin hatefully.

"What did I do?" yelped Robin.

"You were hoping for something like that, huh?" growled Batman angrily.

"No, no! I swear!" yelped Robin, shaking his hands at Batman.

"That is the Mehican that broke my back!" ranted Batman angrily, "He is a cold-blooded and a monster! He is just waiting to take a second wack to my damn back!"

"Maybe he's gone legit?" inquired Robin innocently, "He hasn't tried to break your back at all since we got here!"

"He's waitin'…for me to lose me guard!" growled the Bat, looking around nervously, "He's waitin' for the chance so that he can give me…""TEQUILA!" roared Bane as he ran to Batman, the Dark Knight shrieked lady-like and ducked under the table. Bane roared as he slammed the tequila Batman ordered on the table without breaking it. Batman poked his head out and looked at a smiling Bane, who gently put Robin's jarrito on the table.

Robin drunk the soda with glee and added, "See, Batman?" The Caped Crusader got up from under the table and continued to eye the grinning back-breaker.

"Anyway, your food will be done in a few, mi amigo!" said Bane softly, "Until then, don't **break** from the pressure! AAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA! Estoy bromeando!" Batman did not think that was funny at all, plus he didn't understand that last part. Did you? I hope so.

Batman watched Bane walk away again, with Robin sighing and shaking his head. "Oh, Batman, you can't accept that people can change."

"This is the worse thing that is happening to me since my computer couldn't download _Lightning Crashes_ from my _Live _CD," let out Batman.

"Oh, get over it!" grunted Robin, only to get slapped in the face and grabbed by the collar, looking frightened at the Batman.

"No! Lightning Crashes is the main reason I bought that CD, that is the best damn song in the whole damn album!" ranted Batman angrily, "That…and Shit Towne!"

"Look, I can agree that Lightning Crashes is awesome as fuck, but Bane has changed, it's all so obvious, why can't you see it?" pleaded Robin.

"Because he is a Grade-B Psychopath," ranted the Batman angrily, "Not a Grade-C like Penguin and Riddler, nor a Grade-A like Hush and Scarecrow, and definitely not a Grade-S like Joker and All-Star Batman, but a Grade-B, Black Mask and Chris-Chan level!"

"…Chris-Chan?" let out Robin in confusion.

"Robin, Grade-B's like Bane don't change, they just keep on doing what they do without care or reason!" explained Batman, "They just keep on wasting away on unimportant things without actually thinking about other ways! They care not for anyone they hurt, frighten, or drive away, only to wallow away in their own obsessions until in the end, they have nothing but themselves!"

"…You're talking about Chris-Chan, aren't you?" replied Robin with a nod and a smug face.

"Robin!" growled Batman.

"Look, just give Bane a chance, you gave him a chance before!" implored Robin, "Remember the time he thought you were his brother and he sided with you? Remember that?"

"…No, no I don't," simply replied Batman, looking at Robin with a seething hatred.

Bane came back, jumping through a window and slammed their food on the table, Batman jumping on his seat and pulled out a Batarang in defense, however, when he found out Bane just brought the food to the table, he sighed and put his Batarang back in the bat-belt.

"Is everything a-okay?" asked Bane in confusion.

"Batman thinks you are going to break his back again," replied Robin calmly with a smile, receiving a bat-death glare from Batman.

"Batman…is this true?" asked a worried Bane, frowning with sadness.

Batman looked at him with an ashamed frown, then sighed and said, "Yes…Yes I do, Bane…"

"Batman, cómo has podido?" let out a hurt Bane, "I…I know I have cause you…great pain in the past…but why can't you believe me when I say…I am sorry…"

Batman looked at him with disbelief, then with shame to himself. Bane held back a tear and let out, "Mi amigo, I have done terrible things, I have crippled you a long time ago…and I was wrong. For years, trapped in that prison, the only language I understood…was pain…and death….and the rage of a beast. I broke your back, because I…wanted to be better than you. I wanted to prove to the world, that I was greater than the bat…and I was wrong, terribly wrong."

"Bane…I…" let out Batman with shock."Please, let me finish," told Bane, holding his hand out, then continuing with his speech, "Breaking you did not make me better than you, it only pulled me farther than the world, so that I can wallow in my own hatred and pride, glorifying all my petty and small accomplishments, like Chris-Chan. And for all the years of making you miserable, I am truly sorry. For proof of which, I will not bill you for your dinner."

Bane was about to walk away, until Batman cried out, "Wait! I…I didn't know…I am sorry!" Bane turned around, to see Batman frowning with small tears in his eyes. Bane smiled and held his hand out to shake. Batman reached out and shook the hand of a once hated enemy.

The Joker peeked from behind the table next to Batman, then saying, "I'm sorry too.""No you're not, piss off," grunted Batman, not acknowledging Joker with a glance. The Joker shrugged without damage and returned to his din-din. Batman and Bane looked at each other as equals and smiled, a new brotherly love was seen between the two juggernauts of Gotham.

**Later That Day**

Batman, Bane, and Robin walked out the Las Espinas Rotas laughing and in each other's arms. "That was a good one!" Batman remarked on the joke Bane told yet I will not reveal.

"Yah, yah, it was, it was!" replied an elated Bane. The two heroes turned to Bane, all of them smiling with friendship.

"Yeah, so, anyway, thanks for the free meal," thanked the Batman.

"We should come back all the time to have dinner at your place!" added Robin with a big dumb smile.

Bane laughed with agreement, and then asked, "So, you bought it?"

"Bought what?" laughed Batman.

Bane frowned and glared at them, then coldly adding, "The lie." Batman and Robin lost their smiles and watched him with horror.

Bane sighed and gave a grim smile to the two, then saying, "It seems that you do. Do you really think that I, Bane, would stop hunting you? No, I wanted to prove that you were so gullible that you'd believe me if I said that I wanted bygones to be bygones. You have only proven how dumb you are, along with your gay lover over there."

"…Gay lover?" let out Robin. Batman looked over to Robin, glaring at him and mentally telling him that he told him so. Robin shrugged nervously and scratched his neck.

"You see, Batman, I have proven my intellectual superiority, by dooping the fool in front of me," continued the sinister Bane.

"So…are you…?" let out Batman, wincing a bit.

"No…no, Batman," replied a very Khan-esque Bane, "Not when you expect it, but like before…I will break you. And this time…when I break you…you will die in agony. I am Bane, no one insults me by living or making me look like a dumb idiot. And I am not British, I am Latino, I don't know why I am being portrayed as such. Yes, Tom Hardy is a fine actor, and I very much so love Bronson, but even so."

"Uh, Bane?" grunted out a confused Batman.

"Let me finish, Bruce Wayne," hissed Bane, then continuing proudly with, "And with that, I leave you with the fact that I will break you eventually. You will scream my name, I will dominate you, and I will make you beg me to stop, but I won't stop…I will never stop hunting you. I swear it."

Bane turned around back to his restaurant, but stopped and turned his head, yelling out, "Oh, and I jerked off in your salsa. Cheers." Bane laughed as he stomped back into his establishment.

Batman and Robin just stood there in shock, as they were completely duped by the Man Who Broke The Bat. Batman winced in anger, breathing through his teeth, and clenched his fists.

"Batman…" let out Robin, "I hate to say it, but Bane tasted good."

Batman lost all anger and sighed, his body going limp from Robin's stupid comment. He would laugh if he wasn't so angry right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Leprechaun Was A Funny Movie<strong>

It was St. Patrick's Day, with Batman and Robin chasing after…the **Calendar Man**. He was dressed in a tiny outfit, a Leprechaun outfit. He giggled as he was chased by the dynamic duo, with a nuclear device strapped to his back ready to blow!

Batman and Robin chased him throughout Gotham to Arkham, Blackgate, Suicide Swamp, and even the planet Apokalips. Don't ask me how, it's a comic book.

As they chased the fat man who was amazingly getting away, the two began losing breath as Calendar Man giggled as he continued with running away. He jumped over old ladies, whisked past doggies, and tripped Darkseid, and for some reason, outrunning Batman and Robin. Apparently it's the Luck of the Irish.

In Gotham Square, there was our good ol' Commissioner Gordon, leaning against his destroyed cop car and drinking coffee. He stopped drinking and watched Calendar Man run past him, then returned to his drink.

Batman and Robin, tired and hungry, limped to the cop car, with Gordon still looking at them with disinterest. "What's with you?" asked Gordon.

"Julian's a bomb!" grunted out Batman.

"I don't know, to me, he's kinda ugly," grunted Gordon.

"No! He's got a bomb strapped to his back!" shouted Robin.

"Why did you strap a bomb to his back?" asked Gordon suspiciously.

"No! He did that to himself!" argued Batman angrily.

"Why would he do that?" asked Gordon in confusion.

"Because it's St. Patrick's Day!" roared Batman in tire.

Gordon just stared at him, then saying, "That does not make sense."

Harvey Bullock came from a local fruit stand, eating a banana. He then added casually, "Maybe it's symbolic to the fact that as a leprechaun, you must catch it for luck…and it would in fact, be lucky that hundreds of people would not be blown up to pieces."

"Get back to the fruit stand and wait for Black Mask!" shouted Gordon.

"I've been waiting for days!" shouted Bullock.

"He likes bananas!" roared Gordon.

Harvey looked at him dead in the face and said, "That makes sense…" He then walked back to the local fruit stand. Gordon turned back to the tired duo, "So, you catchin' leprechauns?"

"In a nutshell, yes," growled the bat.

"Well, be careful, you steal a leprechaun's gold, and Warwick E. Davis will kill you," warned Gordon.

"That was unneeded information," replied Batman in a sigh, "But listen, we need to capture Calendar Man before the end of St. Patrick's Day or he'll explode!"

"Wait? You need to capture him BEFORE the end of St. Patrick's Day?" enquired Gordon suspiciously.

"Yes! We told you that Gordon!" shrieked Robin angrily.

"But…today's the 25th of March, St. Patty's Day was like, a week ago," told Gordon.

"WHAT!" screamed Calendar Man, who was right behind them, "That is the most bull shitty thing! Have I been running that long?"

"No, it's the author," replied Batman, "But enough of that, you are going to jail, motha!"

"Can I say something?" asked a slightly frightened Calendar Man.

"Sure," replied Batman calmly.

Calendar Man was silent, holding time as the trio watched him, looking at Black Mask over at a local fruit stand, run by an undercover Harvey Bullock, eating a banana. Calendar Man sighed and said, "I just wasted ten seconds of your life…"

"Get in the mother-fecking cop car!" growled Batman, "Or I will stomp on your feet with my feet. Contradictory, yes, but not by a long shot."

Calendar Man nodded and got into Gordon's destroyed cop car. Batman and Robin stood triumphantly as Gordon watched the two. "You wasted your time chasing a deactivated bomb, nothing to be proud of."

Batman looked at Gordon, then turned away, choosing not to acknowledge the obvious as Bane watched from the buildings with binoculars. Didn't forget about him, he'll be important in future chapters, I promise.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yeah, like my promises mean something. :P<strong>

**Anyway, sorry if this isn't the "best", but I had some emotional troubles, so this was released ASAP. It was a damn shame for sure that I didn't release it during St. Patty's Day…but…yeah…**

**:|**


	16. Paging Doctor Hush

**The Banana Slug: Doctors are scary, losing ideas are even scarier. I might make a forum for you all to post ideas if I am popular…but for right now, anyone who likes this fanfic, you can give me pointers at your own wish.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 16: Paging Doctor Hush**

* * *

><p><strong>Doctor Hush, You Have A Telephone Call At The Front Desk<strong>

It was a dark stormy night, a common for some reason in Gotham. Possibly to say how bad the whole town is. Batman and Robin were in the Batcave playing on the BatBox 360 playing Halo 3, with Batman laughing insanely as he pwned Robin.

"Stop tea bagging me, Batman!" screamed Robin angrily.

"Nope," replied Batman with a trollicious smile, he looked over at Robin, who was displeased, and asked, "Problem?"

"Yes," growled Robin. Batman turned away and said, "Too bad."

Suddenly, Catwoman drove in in her motorcycle Batman gave her for her second sweet 16, walking to the two man-children quietly.

"Hello, boys," greeted Catwoman happily, giving each a kiss on the cheek, then asking Batman, "Are you ready?"

"Fo' what?' replied a busy Batman.

"Our physical," replied Catwoman.

"Nnnno!" snapped Batman.

"Batman! If you fight me going to the doctors again, I will straight up leave this relationship!" threatened Catwoman, "I am not going alone! Now come on!"

"Go ahead and leave me, I have Talia, Wonder Woman, and Zatanna on speed dial!" threatened back Batman, "So NYEEEEAAH!"

"…Wow, I can't believe how low standards have gotten," Catwoman said out loud in despair, then ordering, "I don't like going by myself, the doctor smells of peanuts and urine, and he has a lazy eye! So, if you don't come with me, I will tell everyone that you stole forty cakes with Lex Luthor!"

"Oh, come on! It was wasn't more than four tens!" argued Batman, "Besides, if Superman knew I worked with Lex, he wouldn't invite me to the Justice League stag parties anymo'!"

"So who's car we taking, me or yours?" replied a smug Catwoman.

Batman shook his head in defeat and said, "I'm not letting him put his finger in my butt, that's all I have to add."

Robin giggled and said out, "You said butt." Batman replied with running over Robin's character with a Banshee. Robin went, "Ahhhh", and walked away in defeat.

**Later, at the Hospital**

Batman and Catwoman walked down the halls of the medical center, close together and walking past the Joker, looking at some bad news. Apparently, he has AIDs…due to Titan. Batman is unconvinced.

The two stop in front of the doctor's door, Catwoman giving it a slight knock. Steps were heard as they stood there, finally opening up to reveal Hush, looking at them without speaking.

Batman then yelled out, "Oh! Hell no! We're leaving! Where's Dr. Leslie Thompkins?"

"…She had to go and get a cough checked," replied Hush, lying under his breath. Batman growled and was about to choke Hush.

"What's your probs, Bats?" asked Catwoman defensively.

"This asshole killed my hunchback!" argued Batman.

"…Huh?" let out a justifiably confused Catwoman.

"And he pretended to be my best friend, only to be a jerk and try to kill me because his whole extortion scam failed because of me!" ranted Batman, "That I can forgive, but he killed my goddamn hunchback!"

"He was an ugly hunchback," added Hush intelligently, "Plus, when I killed him, he was no hunchback…thanks to me."

"Piss me!" growled Batman angrily.

"Look, I need to make sure I won't die from feline pneumonia and the other doctors are too creepy, plus I dated one, but that isn't tha main issue!," explained Catwoman angrily, "So, let's just get tested by the gun-toting mummy and never speak of this again."

"Thank you," thanked Hush quietly.

"Piss me," ordered Catwoman.

The two followed Hush into the office, which had a blood stain on the floor and a dead body on the operating table with his face carved off. Batman looked around, turned to Hush, and said, "I should arrest you for this. This place is filthy."

"Perhaps later," finished Hush, "Now, I need a urine sample from you love-birds." Holding out two cups for the two vigilantes.

"So you can clone me? Yeah, no, that ain't happenin', freak!" snapped Batman, smacking the cup from Hush's hand.

Hush responded by grabbing the cup from the floor and saying, "I never even tried cloning you, there are many flaws in cloning, you know. Too many to even cover…plus DNA comes from saliva and seminal matter, not urine."

"YOU WILL FIND A WAY!" ranted Batman, "You are a wizard with surgery!"

"Yes, surgery, not genetics," rambled Hush intelligently.

"You can do both!" rambled Batman like an idiot.

"Just do it, lardo!" sighed Catwoman in annoyance.

Batman sighed and grabbed the cup, going into the nearby bathroom with Catwoman, until Hush yelled out to them, "I want a urine sample, not a semen sample." Catwoman sadly left the bathroom and waited outside, while Hush skidded to Catwoman, sliding a thermometer in her mouth quickly and roughly.

She coughed at his sudden jam and yelled, "Watch it! That is a sensitive area, you dick!"

"It was either that, or your bum," replied Hush with a dirty smile. Catwoman glared at him and pouted, keeping the uncomfortable thermometer in her mouth.

Batman exited the Bat-hroom, or how he calls every bathroom he leaves, and gives Hush the cup full of Bat-Pee. Catwoman pulled the thermometer out and gave it to Hush, who looked at it and sighed sadly when it turned out she was healthy. She walked into the bathroom as Batman glared at Hush.

Hush looked at him calmly, before jamming a thermometer into Batman's mouth quick as lightning. Batman yelped in pain and growled at Hush.

"What's wrong, is the little piggy not happy with his check-up?" asked Hush tauntingly."Don't call me a little piggy," grumbled Batman.

"Is piggy mad?" asked a proud Hush.

"No, piggy is glad!" replied Professor Pyg from behind the windows, who was strangely unnoticed till now.

"I will bury you in the Egyptian desert where you belong Hush!" hissed Batman, threatening the evil Hush.

"Jokes on you, Egypt doesn't have deserts," retorted Hush slyly. Batman was confused.

Catwoman left the bathroom and gave Hush her pee, who put it on the side of the Bat-Pee. He took Batman's thermometer and looked to see he was also in the right temperature, a little bit of Hush died that day.

After that Hush kept on giving tests to the two heroes, checking their eyes, noses, tongues, and even ears. All doctor stuff, things I don't understand.

Afterwards, Hush cracked his neck and said to Batman calmly, "Now, drop your pants."

Batman looked at him with a deep hateful bizarreness, "Come again?"

"Drop your pants, I need to check for hernias," replied Hush.

"So, you are not going to check up on my butt?" asked Batman with worry.

"Oh no, I'll leave that for Alfred," replied Hush calmly, "All I need to do is to check for hernias."

"Oh, that doesn't seem so bad," replied Batman, not knowing what a hernia is, "Why do I need to take off my pants, though?"

"Because, I need to press my hands on your balls and check for hernias," replied Hush with a smile. Batman glared at him again.

"No," replied Batman angrily.

"Batman," consoled Catwoman, "I have to get my breasts checked by this loony, I'll be in pain with you, so just let him touch your balls and we will leave this horrid place."

Batman frowned to a calm Catwoman, then to a deviously sly Hush. He then whined to his open relationship girlfriend, "Buh-buh-buh-but…he's got cold dead man hands!"

"Batman, do this…and…," calmed Catwoman, rubbing his face smoothly. She thought silently, wondering what Batman would want, then saying, "I will get you that new Mass Effect 3 game."Batman groaned with unsureness, wanting the game because it looks cool, despite knowing about the really crappy ending. "Fine!" groaned Batman with defeat, unbuckling his belt and dropping his bat-pants on the floor. Hush looked down, then at Batman, saying, "This is another reason I hate you…"

"Face it, Elliot, he's a bigger man than you!" said Catwoman with a pun. Hush released a mock-chuckle, then swiftly pressing his hand on…you know where.

"COOOOLD!" screamed Batman, shaking his head nervously.

"Calm down, Brucey-Wucey," replied Hush with a smile, "Now turn your head and cough.""So clammy!" shrieked Batman with disgust and the feeling of violation. He slowly did as he was told and turned his head, coughing wildly and loudly.

"Calm down," consoled Hush tauntingly, "It's no different than in Summer Camp."

"NOTHING HAPPENED!" screamed Batman, returning to his nervous and loud coughing.

" then," grunted Hush, finally releasing his grip on the Bat-Balls, "Everything has checked clear, you don't have a hernia."

"I feel dirty," grunted Batman.

"Now, take off your top and let's see if we can feel a lump," Hush said to Catwoman, causing her to be justifiably mortified.

"I'm feeling a lump!" yelled Professor Pyg, still at the foot of the window. Batman rushed over as Catwoman was undoing her top slowly and slammed the covers over the window. Professor Pyg sighed with unhappiness.

Batman turned around and saw to his much agreed horror, Catwoman removing her top in front of his nemesis. Instinctually, he reached out from behind his girlfriend(?) and pressed his gloved hands on her…well, on her jumbly-wumblies.

Catwoman looked down at the Dark Knight's hands with a blush as Hush looked at the two with little to no emotion. "So, you feel a lump?" asked Hush.

"I can do this?" grunted Batman in confusion.

"Sure, your father was a doctor," replied Hush calmly.

"I'm fine with this," replied Catwoman with those cute cat smiles that look like horizontal threes. Y'know, it looks like this: :3

After feeling her…jumbly-wumblies for lumps, finding none on hers. "Nope, no lumps, just two really hard ones…""Knock it off, you're gonna give us an M-rating, jerk!" groaned Hush, turning away and writing on his notepad. Batman took his hands away from the Cat's tata's as she put her top back on, Batman whistling as he looked around, keeping his cape from exposing anything that could give an M-rating.

"Okay, now, it all looks good," told Hush calmly, "You've all had your shots, you have no hernias I can speak of, and thanks to Brucie-Lucy, no lumps on Selina's godly baby-magnets. So, we all need one more test."

Batman and Catwoman looked at each other with unsurity, then back at the devious and heartless Hush, who was reaching into a bag. "That would be?" asked a nervous Catwoman.

Hush quickly turned around, wearing latex gloves and sporting a wicked grin. "Proctology and Gynecology! Respectively," explained the mad surgeon/doctor.

The two looked at him with wide stares. Catwoman gave a cough and said, "Mr. Elliot, I wouldn't let you near my namesake even if the universe reboots again."

"Same here…with my butt," added Batman with a glare.

"Heheheh…butt," replied Professor Pyg from the window.

Hush looked at them, his hands squishing against each other as he tilted his head. He looked at them, the two looking back.

"…I'm sorry, did you have a choice?" asked Hush in a very creepy cutesy way.

"Let's get the heh out of here!" ordered Catwoman, pushing Batman out the door as Hush looked at the two. He sighed and said to himself, "Well, there goes my weekend."

He sits down and slaps the latex gloves on the table, he sighs and face palms himself as a knock is heard. "Come in!" ordered a flustered Hush.

The Joker peeked his head out and said, "Hey, Doc, I think I have AIDs." Hush looks at him, then at you, the reader. He then shrugged with boredom.

You see, if this was a video, you'd be laughing.

* * *

><p><strong>Black Mask and Joker Discuss Things<strong>

It was noon at the Arkham Courtyard, with mist in the air and the smell of seagull corpses in the air…as well. Joker and Black Mask were sitting on the puke-stained bleachers, watching Riddler being pushed around by Killer Croc and Mr. Freeze.

"So, Black Mask, have you ever been prison-raped?" asked the Joker out of nowhere."You know I do," replied the insane crime boss, "I know you do too."

"Yeah, pretty much a given in prisons…and this asylum apparently," replied the Joker, "Nothin' gay 'bout that though.""Ah, nah, nah, man, it's all about dominance," sighed Black Mask, still watching the Riddler beat-down.

"Yeah, well, for you, but that's another story, mang," replied the Joker with a smile, not losing eye-contact with the Riddler's pain.

A long period of silence was heard afterwards, then Black Mask asked (masked) a question I'm sure most of the canon nerds are asking, "Wait, I thought you killed the Riddler, how is he still around?"

"Magic," replied Joker calmly.

"Ah, the Old Quesada Move," remarked Black Mask, nodding slowly with the Joker, "…So, how's that girl of yours, that Marley lady.""Harley, she doin' good," replied the Joker, tilting his head a bit, "I sometimes break out…go to the women's wing, and we have nasty sex, then leave. Simple-E-That."

"Wait, how the hell did you get in the Women's Wing?" interrogated a flustered Black Mask.

"I just went there," explained Joker lazily.

"Just…went…there?" questioned a justifiably curious Black Mask, "Okay, you gotta tell me how!""Roman, Roman, Roman, if I tell you, you'd be using that power for all the wrong reasons," sighed Joker, shaking his head softly, "Things that could scar those poor women even more than what has happened to them. Someone could do a hell of a lot of damage…"

"So, you're not gonna tell me?" asked a saddened Black Mask."No, I'm gonna tell the whole Male Wing, dude!" laughed the Joker, "Like I said, hell of a lot of damage! I'm telling everyone, even Zsasz! He'll get a kick outta that!"

"Nice!" remarked Black Mask, giving Joker a quick and hard high-five. Suddenly, they both saw Calendar Man running to them dressed in his underwear, a pair of rabbit ears on his head, rabbit face-paint on his face, and holding an Easter basket full of grenades.

"Sorry, you just missed Easter," remarked Black Mask.

"Oh, damn it!" yelled a frustrated Julian Day.

"And April Fools," added the Joker, also acknowledging he missed it too.

"Oh! Damn it!" screamed an enraged Julian Day.

"But…it is Friday the 13th," added Black Mask, with both the Joker and him looking at the Calendar Man with a dark look. The Calendar Man shuddered and quickly ran away. The two kingpins got up, the Black Mask holding a lead pipe and Joker holding a sock with a bar of soap in it, and began walking calmly to Julian Day's location.

Apparenlty, the Joker didn't have AIDs. It was all a lie, there's nothing wrong with him.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Nice of me to say, but me of all people should know, there's plenty wrong with him.<strong>


	17. We Are Outlaws

**The Banana Slug: $o I heard people are mad about $tarfire being portrayed as slutty and caring only for…EMOTIONLE$$ $EX! $o many people are angry at the way $tarfire is portrayed as what she is not. $lutty. And not the way she is supposed to be. $ensitive.**

**$o, how many dollar signs did you see? $ix? $even? $ix-hundred and $ixty-$ix?**

**SPECIAL GUEST STARS: Starfire and Speedy…or Red Arrow…or Arsenal…whatever! :[**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana $lug**

**Chapter 17: We Are Outlaws!**

* * *

><p><strong>Red Hood: Road House<strong>

**4:34 PM**

It was a cloudy day in Gotham City, the sun not being seen from the grey clouds. Which all Gothamites would call, "A typical sunny day!"

And who would be walking down the sidewalk but none other than Red Arrow…or Arsenal…or Speedy…or whatever DC is shoving down our throats.

He was grumpy, sad, and still mourning his daughter's death…or write-out…or whatever he is whining about this time. As he walked, a red Camaro drove slowly beside him. In the car was the Red Hood, wearing black sunglasses over his red hood. He quickly looked over and nodded, Roy Harper did not aknowledge.

"Hey, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, ROY!" repeated Red Hood, "Get in the car."

"Why?" grumbled Red Arrow.

"We're gonna get pissed until the dawn of a new day breaks," replied Red Hood philosophically.

"What the hell does that mean?" grunted Red Arrow.

"Get in the damn car before I shoot you between the eyes!" shouted Red Hood. Red Arrow grunted and got on the passenger side. As Red Hood drove through the city, he opened a flask of whiskey and took a sip after lifting his mask up. He pressed it against Red Arrow, who only glared at him and asked, "Aren't you driving?"

"Yes, obviously!" retorted Red Hood, "That was a stupid question. Shut up." The car was silent as Red Arrow glared at Red Hood, who kept his eyes on the road.

"So, it's just the two of us on a binge?" asked Red Arrow, "That sounds depressing, and homo-erotic.""One: You are the one thinking it's homo-erotic, therefore, you have those feeling to begin with," replied a smug Red Hood, "And Two: We're picking up one more person to go with us. And the person is a chick, so cool it, Liberace."

"Screw you!" growled Red Arrow.

"See? See? There it is again!" shouted Red Hood."Alright! Alright!" roared Red Arrow, then taking a deep breath and asking, "So, who are we picking up again?"

**4:54 PM**

In the backseat of Red Hood's car was Starfire, sitting on the seat with her hands on her lap and smiling widely at the two. She looked out at the city with happiness and a giggle as Red Arrow looked back with surprise, then at a calm Red Hood.

"Starfire? Happy-Go-Lucky Starfire?" let out Red Arrow.

"Oh, don't let the high-school sweetheart attitude fool you!" counseled Red Hood, "Underneath all that perky, is a hellcat ready to pounce!"

"Oh! Look!" shouted Starfire, pressing her face against the window, "That man is peeing against a building! This city is so lively!"

Red Arrow glanced over at Red Hood with disbelief, Jason glanced briefly and returned to driving, saying, "Don't. Be. Fooled."

Red Arrow shook his head and turned over to Starfire, looking out at the city of Gotham. "So, uh, Starfire, how do you know Jason Todd?"

"Oh, me and Jason go way back!" explained Starfire happily, "I met him when he visited the Titan Tower to give back Dick's iPod. We talked, we joked, and by the end of the day, we had sex."

Red Arrow nodded for a second, then shook as if he had a seizure. "Run that by me again?"

"Oh, well, Jason took Dick's iPod by mistake," explained Starfire, "Since they both chose a red and black scheme. I told Dick not to get it, but we all know Dick and how much he can be a real…"

"No, no!" stammered Red Arrow, "The sex part."

"Oh! Yes, we had sex," explained Starfire, "He was good, but he didn't have the charm Dick had when we dated, plus his organ wasn't as…"

"Zebuzebuzebuzebu!" spurted out Red Hood, making strange words to Starfire to quiet her. Starfire paused for a second, then laughing and said with a grin, "Don't **ever** do that again."

"So, you had sex," reminded Red Arrow to himself, then asking Starfire, "Then, are you boyfriend and girlfriend.""…Huh? Oh, no! No! Never!" stammered Starfire nervously, "Jason's fine, but in a relationship. Uh-uh. That's…that's not fine…not a good thing…"

"…Jeez," grumbled Red Hood."Wait, so, you just have emotionless sex with people?" asked Red Arrow suspiciously.

"Emotionless? What fun is that?" questioned a slightly offended Starfire, "Why would anyone have "emotionless" sex? That doesn't make sense."

"Starfire's people believe in loving more than one person, physically and emotionally," explained Red Hood, "It's kinda like "free love' during the 60s and 70s, but with less hairy bush.""Less of the hairy bush indeed!" announced Starfire happily, not sure what they mean by "bush".

"…I don't get it!" grunted Red Arrow. In response, Red Hood and Starfire scoffed mockingly and shook their heads."Puritan," muttered Red Hood.

"Am not!" yelled Red Arrow.

Starfire rolled her eyes and whispered, "Yes, sure…"

**5:35 PM**

Red Hood's car stopped in front of the Iceberg Lounge, parking it in the back as all three stepped out.

"So, you have slept with most of the Teen Titans?" asked Red Arrow, part of a discussion that I did not show.

"Male ones, yes," continued Starfire, then adding out bluntly, "Emotionally!"

"I got that now, dammit!" yelled Red Arrow, then grunting and asking, "So, you had sex with Aqualad?""Yes," replied Starfire as all three walked to the Lounge.

"Mas y Menos?" asked Red Arrow.

"No," replied Starfire.

"Cyborg?" he asked.

"Yeah, but it get's annoying when he continiously says "Boo-Yah!" at the end of every love-making," sighed Starfire.

"Beast Boy?" asked Red Arrow with a raised brow.

"Yeah, but who hasn't, he's what you would call, a dog's bone," explained Starfire hesitantly.

"Huh…what about his animal forms?" asked Red Arrow hesitantly.

"Oh…come on, we're all trying to have a fun time, please don't ruin it," replied a very ashamed Starfire, "No more questions, please."

"Okay, but one more, please?" asked Red Arrow. She sighed and nodded hesitantly. He then asked, "Why didn't you sleep with me?""Oh, simple, you never asked," replied a smiling Starfire, "Besides, Red Hood said you were gay. Simple mistake in his part, I am sure." Red Arrow sighed and glared at Jason, who gave a simply trollicious grin from underneath his mask.

"Yeah, a mistake," growled Red Arrow.

As the three walked to the doors, they are greeted by the Penguin. He tipped his hat and said, "Welcome, my friends, I am always glad to…""The answer is still no, Mr. Cobblepot," replied Starfire calmly.

"Get in and get out," grumbled the Penguin, waddling away in anger, then yelling out, "Just tell the Hood that no more rants about how he was beaten to death by a clown."

"Oh, don't worry, Mr. Cobblepot," shouted back Starfire happily, "We promise, no more sad rants.""…I remember his crowbar slamming down against my cheek," rambled Red Hood in misery, "I begged him to stop, but all I got was laughter and jeers."Starfire grunted and punched Red Hood's shoulder, he let out a grumbled and rubbed his boo-boo. "I promised the horny old man! I told him, no sad rants! Isn't that right, Red Arrow?"

"…My daughter is dead, her mother doesn't give a crap," rambled Red Arrow in misery, "And it's all Mia's fault…" Starfire looked at both of them with annoyance and sighed, pushing them both in the establishment.

**6:34 PM**

The three were at the bar, all three holding glasses of bourbon and whiskey, except for Starfire, who's was filled with chardonnay and chocolate ice-cream for some reason. All three were slightly buzzed, except for Starfire, who was not yet buzzed for some reason.

"And so, people say that in the Tool CD," rambled Red Hood, "They say, they say, they say that the one song, "Message to Harry Manback", that it was some mobster guy they pissed off for throwing him out of their house."

"Why was he in the house to begin with?" interrogated Red Arrow."I think they had a party!" announced Red Hood loudly.

"I have no idea who this Harry Manback is," added Starfire.

"Me…either!" rambled Red Hood.

**9:56 PM**

By this time, Red Hood and Red Arrow were drunk while Koriand'r was only buzzed, wobbling slightly as she scratched her head.

"So, Dark Side of the Moon syncs up with Wizard of Oz?" asked Starfire.

"No! It does not!" rambled Red Arrow, "It's just Red Hood's way of making himself look like a smart…guy."

"I am…smart!" grunted Red Hood, "It's true…syncs up! One-hundred percent!""I think Raven told me that once, but I just thought she was being a, what you say…female dog?" added a slightly confused Starfire.

"…Yeah, that sounds right," stammered Red Arrow, then letting out a slight burp.

**10:45 PM**

Red Hood and Red Arrow watched as Starfire was on the karaoke stand, singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by "Cyndi Lauper", almost perfectly, only missing a few lines here and there.

"The phone rings…middle of the night!" sang a slightly inebriated Starfire, "Father yells, What'cha gonna do with your life! Oh daddy…you know you are still number one…girls, wanna have fu-hun! Oh girls, they wanna have…"

"She sings…good," slurred Red Hood. Most of the bar patrons were nodding their heads to the song, even Killer Croc, which was kinda weird.

"So, what'cha gonna sing?" asked Red Arrow, also drunk.

"Somethin' cool, that'll say my heart says all the time," grumbled Red Hood with one eye open, not by choice of course.

"Crawling In My Skin or How Could This Happen To Me?" asked Red Arrow with a cocky smile.

"Psh! Shaddap! That's not…Crawling In My Skin," grumbled Red Hood in defeat.

"Ha! Emo!" laughed a drunk Red Arrow. Red Hood glared at Red Arrow's trollicious face.

**11:15 PM**

Red Hood and Red Arrow were wrestling on the bar with broken beer bottles in their hands, with Starfire looking at both of them with fear.

"Take it back! Feggin' bitch!" roared Red Arrow.

"Nnyo! Take…back first!" roared Red Hood.

"You deserved to die!" screamed Red Arrow.

"Your daughter deserved it!" screamed Red Hood.

"Shtop it!" screamed a crying Starfire, "Don't you see? Don't you see that…I love you both?" The two stopped and looked at her as she cried softly, they groaned and said apologized to each other and Starfire. Soon afterwards, all three of them were part of one big hug.

**11:34 PM**

The fight was over and forgotten, as with all drunk happenings as Starfire and Red Hood watched Red Arrow sing "My Humps" by "Black-Eyed Peas"…even the Fergie parts…bizarrely perfectly.

"What'cha gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?" he sang with a masculine voice, then singing in a feminine voice, "I'mma get, get, get, get, you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump! My hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps. Check it out!"

Everyone laughed and sang along, Red Arrow didn't care, he was too drunk to care right now.

Starfire was laying her back on the bar and looking at the display with her hair hanging down, Red Hood slouched against the bar stool.

"So, are you…going to sing…Crawling in Skin again?" asked Starfire with a stammer.

"Yeah…" grumbled Red Hood.

"…Don't do it," slurred Starfire.

"Why?" asked Red Hood defensively.

"Just…don't do it…" stammered Starfire, gulping down a burp. Red Hood shook his head and took another sip.

**11:59 PM**

They looked at the clock in drunk bliss as they sat at the bar, swaying their heads slightly as the little hand moved to the "12", and no sooner than I can say "Humperdido," it was **12:00 AM**. With that, all three cheered in drunken happiness. Starfire hugged Red Arrow as Red Hood fell off his stool.

**12:57 AM**

Red Arrow and Red Hood watched in embarrassment and concern as they saw Red Hood on the stage, being booed and heckled as he sang loudly and almost unintelligibly the worst cover for "Crawling In My Skin" by "Linkin' Park".

"Crawwwwlin' eeeen mah skeeeen! Des wuuuunds, dey wheel nawt 'eal!" sang Red Hood terribly, swinging his arms back and forth as tears and snot ran down his eyes and nose, "Pheeeeer iz how aye faaaaawl! Confoooshun! Confoooshun wuht iz 'eal!"

Red Arrow sighed as Starfire shook her head, "I told him…What I've Done or New Divide, or at least, In The End. But he…he just goes…Zobamunshluck!"

"Don't know what that means, but I'm gonna guess it means, **EMO**," replied Red Arrow, taking a sip of Starfire's drink, then quickly spitting it out.

**1:23 AM**

Red Arrow and Starfire patted Red Hood's back as he cried in his arms, his face down on the bar. Snot and tears dripping down onto the floor.

"It was…so scary! I thought I was gonna die, man!" sobbed Red Hood, then screaming out, "But I did! I did die! Why does he still live? Why do people like him still live!" He continued to furiously cry as Penguin waddled by and knew this promise would not be met, he knew it wouldn't be, but at least he tried.

**2:04 AM**

By this time, the Outlaws were swimming in the Penguin Pool, all still clothed but Red Arrow decided to take his clothes off anyway.

"I like swimming!" pointed out Starfire with a drunk laugh.

"I like beer!" yelled a now-happy Red Hood.

"Marco!" moaned Red Arrow, swimming after a frightened penguin.

"Pollo!" shouted a happy Starfire, she then sighed and said, "When we get back, we are gonna have sex. And I will remember your names! And love **will** be an important part! Emotional sex for the win!"

"I wuv you!" roared Jason as he swam over and gave smoochies to Starfire's face, every time going, "Muah! Muah! Muah!'"I wuv friend Jason too!" laughed Starfire, then giving smoochies to Red Hood's face too, also going, "Muah! Muah! Muah!"

"Hey, get outta there!" shouted Penguin from the railing, "You are scaring them! Plus, they pee in there!"

"Penguins pee?" shouted out Red Arrow in discuss, "And where are my clothes?"

**2:23 AM**

All three, covered in large towels, watched from the bar a really strange song sung by the bizarre Professor Pyg, who stood on the karaoke stand as everyone watched him with a look that says, "What?"

"Tell me why! I'm stuck as a virgin with rage! Tell me why! I so need a cute girl my age!" sang Professor Pyg, "Tell me why! I never wanna hear you say, I have a boyfriend!"

"That…guy…is weird," stammered Starfire.

"Quite," grumbled Red Hood, falling off his stool and onto the floor.

"Ladies! All hands on Pyggie!" squealed the madman as he grabbed his crotch. Red Hood was glad he got this on video with his red/black phone…although, looking at it, he realized it was Robin's phone.

**2:45 AM**

All three wobbled out of the Iceberg Lounge, drunk off the gourds and stumbling to Red Hood's car. Starfire fell on the door to the ground as Red Arrow vomed right next to the right tire.

"Okay! Let's go to WotLK's and…let's get a Lichburger," slurred Red Hood. "Yeah, the food here tastes like Gumbumzobldop," replied Starfire.

"Can't tell…if drunk or alien," moaned Red Arrow, getting in the passenger seat as Starfire climbed in the back.

"Red, can you drive…like this?" asked Starfire as Red Hood got on the driver's seat.

"Hell to the yeah…no, let's walk!" slurred a very confused Red Hood. They all groaned as they got out the car and walked down the sidewalk, Starfire accidentally knocking over a lamp-post…

**2:47 AM**

"Thank Glob that there was a WotLK's near the Lounge!" added a drunk and elated Starfire, with all three sitting on a small table with their food.

"Yeah, thank Gob for **bold letters**!" grumbled Red Arrow, hiccupping.

"Okay, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, ROY!" repeated Red Hood, then laughing a bit, "You…are now a part…of the Outlaws, me and Starfire were the only ones, and now…you are an Outlaw! But…but you must dooooo an initiation rite of passage, under…understand?"

"Yeah…don't call me Roy, that's a secret, Jason Todd," slurred Red Arrow, "People don't know I'm Roy Harper!"

"Gotcha! Secret saved!" replied Starfire happily.

"Okay, you need slap Killer Croc in the back," explained Red Hood carefully as possible, "And then, Starfire will have EMOTIONAL sex with you.""Yeah! E-MOE-SHUN-ALL!" reassured Starfire, giggling a bit.

"'Kay," replied Red Arrow, he turned around and looked at Killer Croc, who was sitting behind him, facing away and eating a really big Lichburger. Roy quickly raised his hand and slapped Killer Croc's back, he only flinched and looked back, and returned eating his burger.

"Okay, you're in!" laughed Red Hood, both him and Starfire clapping loudly as Red Arrow raised his hands in the air.

Killer Croc turned back to Mr. Zsasz, who just looked at him. "So, you aren't going to…do anything about that?""I don't deal with drunk people," replied a smug Killer Croc, "I just don't. You might, but I don't." Zsasz shrugged and hugged his BatBuddy warmly, Killer Croc was slightly disturbed by this.

* * *

><p><strong>The Morning After<strong>

Nightwing woke up from bed in his single apartment, looking at the ceiling. He turned his head around and looked straight at Red Hood, who was looking straight at him.

"Hey Dick," yawned Red Hood.

"Hey…Jason," let out a weirded out Nightwing, he then asked, "Who's hand is that?""Mine," replied a voice, he turned around and saw Red Arrow, also looking at him. Nightwing looked at Red Arrow with a bizarreness, he then asked, "Why are you in bed?""My fault, friend Dick!" announced Starfire, poking her head from behind Red Arrow. Nightwing sighed and said, "Hi, Starfire."

"Dick! Such a good morning! Even though my head feels like it was attacked by fifty Zorbons, It is still good to see you again!" announced a happy Starfire, then asking with a nice and 100% sincere tone, "How's Barbara?"

"Fine, fine," replied Nightwing, "She misses you, said you always said the funniest jokes. How's Beast Boy?""Oh…we just woke up, let's just keep our good moods, no need to ask that and ruin everything, Dick," replied a nervous and ashamed Starfire, keeping her smile still.

All four stayed silent, such an awkward morning indeed. Nightwing was more surprised that someone had sex in his bed and he did not even notice.

"So, what now?" asked Nightwing.

"Commence the love-making!" announced Starfire happily, waving her arms wildly.

"Okay!" laughed Red Hood lustfully.

"Hell yeah!" growled Red Arrow sensually.

"Yes!" yelled Starfire happily.

"Sure, I'm game," replied Nightwing enthusiastically.

"Okay," replied a fifth voice. They all looked to see Batman behind Red Hood, laying on his back and above the covers.

"Batman? What are you doing here?" asked a disturbed Red Hood.

"I was always here!" revealed Batman in a creepy tone. All the Outlaws looked at each other in fright.

"There was a bee in his mansion and Robin is trying to get it out," revealed Nightwing calmly.

"Yep, but enough of that!" ordered Batman, then roaring out after clapping his hands with readiness, "Commence the love-making!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug:<strong> **Yeah, we'd all love to love-make with Starfire! Who wouldn't, that hot orange lady can love-make me all day, every day!**


	18. Hugo Strange is Gendo's Father

**The Banana Slug: I like smilies, they show emotions for words, because if you don't use them, sarcasm is hard as fudge.**

**Example A: (after you say something funny) You Jackass! …Were you offended? How 'bout this?**

**Example B: (after you say something funny) You Jackass! XD …Not so offended now, eh?Without them, we wouldn't be able to show how we joke. Why, because you humans are the most pathetic beings in the universe, and I despise being one of you. :|**

…

**XD**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**Chapter 18: Hugo Strange is Gendo's Father**

* * *

><p><strong>He Is Also A Trolololol<strong>

Batman was walking down the street, holding a mug of raspberry lemonade, sipping loudly through the straw. Despite everyone throwing glances at the Batman, who was walking among them and drinking a fruity drink, a vigilante of the night strolling during a nice sunny day. Mind you, people were freaking out a bit due to there being a sunny day, a nice one even, and that's just weird.

The Dark Knight stopped in front of the stop light, waiting for it to turn from "angry red hand" to "walking white man". When it finally turned into the walking white man, he in turn, became a walking white man…in a black bat suit.

Suddenly, he felt something trip him, causing him to drop his raspberry lemonade. He looked over to see Hugo Strange, looking at him with an emotionless face, his foot an inch in front from Batman's.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I make you drop your drink?" he asked, then gave a smile and stated, "Sucks to be you." Before Batman could respond, Hugo ran away through the walkway, the sign now an angry red hand as cars blocked Batman's wrath.

He glared at Hugo as he smiled from the other side of the sidewalk, then running away with a dark giggle.

"Damn…bald…Gendo," growled Batman, clenching his fists madly.

**Later That Day**

Batman was at the public library, using one of the computers to look up on the Bleach Wiki, since he wanted to know more aboot what happened to Aizen, cause we are all confused to what happened to that all-powerful butterfly.

However, he remembered that in one minute, his coffee would be done down at the library café. Yes, Gotham actually has a café in a library, that's how urban it is. I hate urban cities so much…except Seattle, it's one of the good ones.

He quickly got up and looked around and saw all the other computers were taken by other patrons, he was afraid that someone would take his computer. So, he grabbed a sticky note and wrote, "BATMAN IS USING THIS", and slapped it on the computer screen.

He quickly left the computer, not before glancing at the computer again. He quickly ran down to the café, seeing good ol' Thrifty holding out his coffee with apathy. He smiled and grabbed it from her hands and threw quarters at her direction, which she uncaringly yet epically grabbed them mid-air.

Batman rushed with coffee in hand back to the computer area, but to his surprise and shock, someone was using his computer. It was Hugo Strange, who looked at the Batman with a tilted head and a smirk, who logged off the Dark Knight and was looking up stuff on TV Tropes, an evil yet addicting place indeed.

Batman stomped to Hugo and yelled, "YOU STOLE…" He was quickly silenced by a librarian's "SHHH!", and quickly did so. He glared at Hugo, who pointed at a computer free far away, which sadly was right next to a computer used by the Joker, who waved at Batman happily.

Batman shuddered in annoyance, then sighed in defeat. He began walking over, but Hugo tilted his foot back and tripped Batman again, causing the Dark Knight to spill half his drink again.

Batman took a deep breath and ignored Hugo, walking away as Hugo gave a dark giggle to himself. Batman sat next to Joker, who leaned in closely and whispered, "Any news on the all-powerful butterfly?""No," whispered back Batman angrily.

**Later That Day**

Batman was half-tired and grumpy after not having his recommended dose of coffee and raspberry lemonade, walking down the sidewalk with a grumpy glare and a scowl.

He entered the local convenience store and walked to the drink section, grabbing a Monster energy drink. He walked over to the candy section and saw one large box of Nerds left, he wasn't sure if he wanted to risk having another tooth shattering, but decided to anyway cause Nerds are the shit.

He looked at his change to see if he had enough for the Monster and the Nerds, he counted ten quarters. Batman nodded and turned to the Nerds, only to see the box gone.

He angrily looked at the register area, and saw Hugo Strange purchasing the box of Nerds. Batman glared as Hugo looked back and gave a dark giggle, fluttering away in victory.

Batman purchased his Monster and walked out of the store. Before he opened his Monster, he looked left and right many times. He wanted to make sure Hugo wouldn't come out of nowhere and ruin his day even more.

When he saw that Hugo was nowhere to be seen, he opened the can and delighted the fact he could actually finish a whole drink. Sadly, this will soon not be the case.

From out of nowhere, Hugo appeared and slapped the can out of Batman's hand, the can of Monster dropping on the ground with a clang. Batman looked at Hugo with a broken frown, who returned with a devious and proud smirk.

"How does it feel, to stand on the very stone of your fallen Monster," taunted Hugo Strange, "Do you feel sad? Full of rage? Or does that outfit…"

He was interrupted by Batman grabbing his fat bald head and slamming it against the glass of the convenience store window, cracking it a bit. He then threw the strange Hugo against the asphalt and began pounding his fists against his face repeatedly.

"Screw you! Screw you! Screw you!" roared Batman as he pummeled Hugo Strange, "Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! SCREW! YOU!"

* * *

><p><strong>Gah-Tuham - How!<strong>

In a long limousine, sitting in the back was Arnold Wesker and his boss, Scarface, who was smoking a comically large cigar.

Both were very silent as the limo drove, passing by a hobo fighting Mr. Zsasz for a piece of steak.

Scarface slowly turned his head to Arnold, who gave a nervous glance back. Scarface didn't say a thing, but it made Wesker nervous.

"Um, Mr. Scarface, why are we…"

"Shut the hell up!" shouted Scarface angrily, interrupting Wesker, "I want a Slurpee, dummy! Get to da nearest mart or I'll bite ya cheek off!"

"Oh! Okay then!" whimpered Arnold, who told the driver to look for one. The driver nodded and listened to his crazy boss.

Scarface yawned and asked, "So, how's ya cuz, dummy?"

"Oh, you mean Cousin Albert?" answered Arnold with a sweating brow, "Weeeell, we don't talk that much anymore, after becoming CEO of that Umbrella thingie and…""I don't give a damn…" rambled Scarface, who looked away from Wesker as the man looked at the floor with defeat.

The limo pulled to the parking lot and ran over a young man uncaringly. His old mother came at the car swinging her crutches at it…Scarface took her out with the door.

The "two" walked into the convenience store, walking past a crying and beaten Hugo Strange. Wesker quickly bought his master a large green slurpee and gave it to his boss, who did nothing as slurping noises were heard, even though nothing was being drunk.

The attendant looked over at Scarface and his dummy, staring at them and being justifiably weirded out.

"Um, sir, you, uh, enjoying the slurpee?" asked the man hesitantly.

"No spit! Now buzz off before I bite your lips off!" yelled Scarface.

"He'll do it! Don't make him angry!" told a worried Arnold Wesker.

The man just looked at him with confusion and shook his head, then shouted, "Are you some kinda act?"

Scarface slowly looked over and stared at the man. "…Act? Ya think I'm funny? As in, a joke?" interrogated Scarface angrily, pressing the dummy's face against the nervous attendant's face, "Do I look like a clown to ya? Huh? HUH? Do I look like da Joker? Do I have sex with some whiney nasally-voiced broad as I pound her fat face in? Yes, but a Joker that does not make! Do I entertain you? Is that it? Ya think I am some kinda entertainer?"

"Well, yeah…kinda," replied the attendant with a shrug.

Scarface glared at the man and pulled out a gun, shooting the man in the kneecap coldly. The young attendant screamed in pain and fell on the linoleum floor in pain, clasping his shot foot. Arnold began hyperventilating as Scarface laughed insanely wow that's amazing, where did he learn to do that?

"Why did you shoot that man, Mr. Scarface?" whined Arnold in terror.

"I deal with whiney bitches, not…well, MALE whiney bitches!" scolded an angry Scarface.

"But why did you shoot him?" repeated Arnold again, louder and more frightened.

"Cause, the bastard had the noive to say I am a dummy!" reminded Scarface, "I ain't no dummy! You's is the dummy! And don't you for-reekin' forget it! Capiche?"

"Um…Scarface…" whimpered Arnold Wesker, "…Scarface…"

"WHAT? …WHAT? …Arnold! What! Is!" Scarface paused a bit, then yelling out, "It?"

"…He never said such a thing, Mr. Scarface!" pleaded Arnold.

"…Say what?" replied the confused dummy…Sorry, he's not a dummy, he's Scarface.

"He never said such a thing, Mr. Scarface," reminded Arnold, "He just thought we were an act and you were an entertainer!"

Scarface was silent, looking around with a vacant look with his eyebrows raised. "…Oh, damn! I done goofed again!" sighed Scarface, he then looked down at the attendant, bleeding profusely and panting weakly.

Wesker lowered Scarface down to look at the attendant in the eyes. "Uh, listen, I made a terrible mistake. I misunderstood, so…sorry for shootin' ya, that's all I can say," he apologized sincerely, but then slams his foot in his cheek angrily, "But you better not try to blackmail me or nuttin'! If you do, I'll feed ya balls to Dobermans!"

"Mr. Scarface! Please!" pleaded Wesker nervously, tugging his shoulder vigorously. Scarface turned around and slapped Wesker in the face, who replied with a yelp in pain.

"Don't you talk ta me like that, dummy!" roared Scarface, "I was apologizin' to this fine gentleman till you screwed things up! You's be ruder than Fleete from Mark o' da Beast!"

"…Excuse me?" let ot a confused Wesker.

"AM I THE ONLY GUY IN DIS HERE TOWN THAT GET'S CLASSIC LITERATURE, DUMMY?" yelled Scareface, screaming in Wesker's face. Suddenly, they heard an all-too familiar sound: Sirens. Both of them look out and see a cadre of police cars parked out in front of the convenient store.

Scarface angrily looked up at Wesker, then spitting out, "Well, well, well, well, look what ya got us in, dummy!"

"But, but, but, what did I do, Mr. Scarface, sir?" let out a defensive and cautious Ventriloquist.

"You were stallin' time, joik!" yelled Scarface, "We're surrounded by the boys in blue, and I didn't even finish my goddamn Slurpee! Ya coglione! Ya frocio! You's more dumb than that Don Quixote fella!"

"…Who's Don Quixote, sir?" asked the Ventriloquist.

"Oy gevalt!" groaned Scarface in embarrassed anger by knowing such an "unintelligent boob". He grabbed his tommy gun and began shooting out the window wildly at the cops.

"Ya never gonna take me alive, Gordon!" he screamed, laughing madly.

"Scarface! No!" pleaded Wesker. They both ducked when the police retaliated. Ventriloquist was shaking like crazy as Scarface growled with anticipation.

"Those bastards are not gonna take me alive, dummy!" he growled in frustration, quickly turning to Wesker and saying, "I need you to throw me at them, dummy! So that I can go down, blaze'a glory-like!"

"Scarface! It's suicide!" screamed Wesker with tears in his eyes.

"DO! IT!" roared Scarface, grabbing Wesker's shirt collar and looking at him with his cold eyes, like a doll's eyes. Arnold nodded hesitantly and quickly threw Scarface through the window.

"Die! Vaffanculo!" screamed Scarface as he promptly fell on the ground as the police looked at the dummy.

For a short while, there was silence. Suddenly, Gordon shouted out, "He's got a gun! Shoot him!" And without hesitation, they riddled Scarface's body with bullets. The wooden body jumbled around as bullet's created Swiss cheese-like holes on it's body. After many rounds were unloaded, they stopped and "killed" Scarface. Wesker poked his head from the convenient store and looked at Scarface's desecrated body.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Wesker, climbing over the broken glass and running to his fallen master. He quickly fell to his knees and began sobbing loudly, his hands over his face. The glass embedding into his knees did not matter to him, he was in a state of grief.

"Oh! Mr. Scarface! Why? Why? Oh, Why?" sadly sobbed Wesker. He cried as red slurpee leaked out of the wooden corpse, effectively ending Scarface's reign…

…

…Until Arnold Wesker makes another puppet.

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

Batman and Gordon were walking down Arkham, after Batman apprehended Hugo Strange for being Gendo's father and Gordon apprehending The Ventriloquist after assaulting the attendant…who sadly, died.

"So, anyway, gorilla's penises have really small penises," explained Batman, "It's kinda the same density as a cigar butt."

"Why the hell are you telling me this!" yelled Gordon.

"Because remember when we busted that zoophilia ring, and they were trying to steal a gorilla for prostitution?" rambled Batman about information we don't want to know, "Well, you said they probably wanted it for it's girth, but Robin said they had small willies, we didn't believe him and asked how he knew. And he was all jittery, and we called him an "animal humper", and he cried. That was hilarious."

"Oh yeah…I still didn't need to know that, Batman," grumbled Gordon, "You are a sick son of a bitch!"

"…Making Robin cry was funny, though," added Batman.

"That was the only good thing from your horrid explanation, Bats," sighed Gordon, choosing not to talk about this situation anymore. As they walked, they passed Arnold Wesker's cell, holding Scarface, who was covered in bandages. So, he "survived" after all, frankly, I'm shocked.

"Um, Scarface…" let out Wesker, "Why did you have lotion up your…"

"Shaddap, ya dummy!" roared Scarface, slapping Wesker in the face.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: It's obvious that Scarface was making bombs in his garage.<strong>


	19. Batman's Cupcake

**The Banana Slug: I just have to say, Midnighter is the coolest gay superhero I have ever heard of! Blowing Northstar and Batwoman out of the water!**

**Mainly cause he's a part of the Authority is why Midnighter is so cool! Hell, he kicked a guy's head off like a football!**

**Epic Win!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 19: Batman's Cupcake**

* * *

><p><strong>A Batcake, If You Will<strong>

In the Wayne Mansion, the loyal butler Alfred Pennyworth was making some cupcakes in the kitchen. He hummed the tune of "Creep" by Radiohead as he put the black frosting on the chocolate cupcakes, then putting a little cookie on the top shaped like the bat-symbol.

"Alfred!" whined Batman from far away, "Are the Batcakes done yet?"

"Almost, Master Wayne!" yelled back Alfred, then pausing a bit, and asking, "By the way, what is the difference between a batcake and a batcake, sir?"

"…Hum?" grunted out Batman." I mean, of course," explained Alfred, putting on the finishing touches, "What is the difference between your version of cupcakes and your version of cakes, sir?"

"Ah! Well, it's all about tone, Alfred!" revealed Batman loudly, "With Batcakes, I say it with no pause in between, but with a Bat-Cake, I put a small space in the middle. It's hard to hear, but…"

"On the contrary, sir," explained Alfred, patting his hands in accomplishment, "I understand perfectly, and that space is quite obvious to any sane person."

"So, the Joker wouldn't hear it?" asked Batman. Before Alfred could reply, a large thump was heard upstairs, with Batman yelling out, "What the heck was that?" "Master Drake and Lady Cain are the only ones upstairs, wish for me to take care of them?" asked Alfred as he put away his baking gloves, "Or do you want me to talk about my days when I had balls?"

"No, go check on those crazy kids," replied Batman, "I still have nightmares of that day."

"Very well," sighed a slightly-annoyed Alfred, leaving his tray of cupcakes out defenseless as he walked out of the kitchen quickly and hurriedly.

As soon as Alfred left, Batman snuck into the kitchen quickly. He looked around, baring his teeth. He looked at the cupcakes and drooled profusely. He rushed to the cupcakes began smashing them against his lips and ate them like a wild animal, growling and gurgling with the cupcakes in his mouth. As he ate, Alfred was already walking into the kitchen yelling out, "They're just fooling around, sir, nothing to…" He stopped when he saw his master eat the cupcakes he worked on all day, quite rudely in my opinion.

"What in Grant's name are you doing?" interrogated a quite infuriated Alfred, "Explain yourself at once!"

Batman just stared at the glaring yet patient Alfred for a long while, cupcake remains on his face. Suddenly, he raised his arms up and roared insanely. Alfred was surprised. Batman rushed to Alfred and grabbed his shirt, throwing him on the wall violently. Alfred shook with confusion and caution as Batman yelled at Alfred, slamming him repeatedly on the wall.

"I am Batman! Me! Batman! I am the Goddamn Batman!" roared Batman, pieces of cupcake and spit hitting Alfred's face, "I do what I want! Screw the rules! Screw justice! Screw the police!"

"Master Wayne! What are you doing?" let out a heart-broken Alfred, only to get a slap to the face and thrown on the table. "I am doing what I must!" screamed Batman, "I am doing…the law! RAAAAAWR!" He then leapt out of the room with a giggle. Alfred just curled up on the table, crying softly at his master attacking him.

Suddenly, Batman returned to the kitchen, just fine and calm instead of his insane persona before he entered a second time. Batman looked around and saw the kitchen a mess, Alfred on the table sobbing, and the cupcakes destroyed.

"What did you do, Alfred?" questioned a slightly annoyed Batman.

"Get away from me! You horrible! Monster!" yelled Alfred, getting off the table and backing away in the corner, grabbing a silver platter as a shield.

"What did I do, Alfred?" replied Batman, confused as hell.

"You came in here, ate the cupcakes, and when I questioned you, you just went berserk and attacked me!" argued a still angry Alfred, "How could you attack me? I was a father figure to you for your entire life! And you attack me over a simple thing like cupcakes? I have never been so disappointed in all my life! You shamed me! You shamed me, yourself, Robin, Gotham City, and your parents! Bruce Wayne!"

Batman stared at Alfred for a short while, then began to cry. Mind you, not in a realistic way, it's a sexy cry. He panted as tears ran down his mask, holding back the emotion, wailing, and snot. Alfred looked at Batman, shocked at his bipolar attitude, dropping the platter and getting on his feet. "Oh, Bruce," let out Alfred, hurt by his own words, "Don't…don't cry…I didn't mean it…I was just…angry."

He walked to Batman and hugged him, he hugged back. "Alfred…I don't know…why you said such things to me…I never did any of that…"

"But…you were just here, Batman…" let out Alfred. They both heard a scream in terror, along with a roar of insanity. They both rushed out of the kitchen to the main hall, seeing something that made both of them gasp with fright and surprise.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!" screamed Robin, who was being pinned against the wall by Batman…wait what?

Yes, there were two Batmans…or Batmen, if you will. The Batman pinning Robin against the wall, his hand around his neck with Robin's feet dangling against the wall.

"I am the Goddamn Batman!" yelled Batman, slapping Robin around wildly, "I am the Goddamn Batman, Dick Grayson, Age Twelve!"

"I'm Tim Drake!" whined Robin, "And I'm Fourteen years old!"

"…Shut up!" yelled Batman, slapping Robin again cold-heartedly.

"…Who the hell is that?" asked Alfred in confusion. The Batman next to Alfred sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in embarrassment.

"…His name is Steve Bino," replied Batman in misery.

"Who?" replied a flabbergasted Alfred.

"Steve Bino, a local homeless guy who looks kinda like me," explained Batman in defeat, "He was suppose to replace me in the event of my death, and take the mantle of Batman. He was **supposed** to be locked up and be given mental manipulation to have his personality become mine, but he got out and stole my suit, running around Gotham City pretending to be me!"

Alfred looked at him with justifiable shock, shaking his head softly. "You…kidnapped a homeless person…from the street…and began mentally manipulating him to think like you…because he looks like you?"

"I really don't care for your criticism right now," growled Batman, "It was a mistake and a morally questionable act even on my part! I canned it right after he got out. Besides, I wasn't the only one who did it, the other members of the League did the same! He was overly-violent, crazy, and tried to feed Dick Grayson with rats. Even slept with Vicki Vale, something that…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…whoa," stopped Alfred, holding his hands out, "Other members of the Justice League did the same thing that YOU did?"

"Yeah, Superman had one who only said damn for a while and emphasizes random words, Wonder Woman's was a man-hater and had the hots for Superman," explained Batman, "And Black Canary's was an Irish Ninja."

"…Irish Ninja?" let out Alfred in confusion.

"They kick ass for the lord," replied Batman with a straight face. Alfred could only laugh at that statement. He stopped laughing and shook his head. "Okay, so the time you were framed for killing all those cops and criminals," examined Alfred slowly, "…that wasn't Hush as you explained? It was this…Steve Bino?"

"Yeah, he was suppose to be secret to even you," explained Batman, "But he somehow got out and was running around like an idiot."

"Um, HELP!" yelled a beaten Robin, only to be replied by another slap from Steve Bino. Batman and Alfred rushed to Steve and restrained him as Alfred grabbed a syringe conveniently on a nearby desk. "You **cannot** be **serious**!" screamed Steve loudly, "**I** am the true savior **of** Gotham, you can't **stop** me! Do you **hear** me? I **am** the Goddamn Batman!"

Alfred quickly injected the drug into Crazy Steve's neck, who began panting loudly as he was sedated. "Me…**Batman!** Who…**Alfred**! Joker's got a bomb!** It's** a trap! Beam…I went **pee**-pee…mom…" And the All-Star Batman fell asleep in the arms of the original and his butler.

"How did Steve Bino get out this time?" yelled an exhausted Robin, rubbing his cheek with tears down his left eye.

"Oh! Oh! Robin knew too?" yelled Alfred in anger."Yeah, so did Nightwing and Red Hood," explained Batman casually, "Along with Huntress, Batwoman, and even Creeper. Hell, even Joker knows that isn't the real me. We just didn't tell you."

"You…never…told…ME!" Alfred was slightly red in the face, then ranting out, "I was beaten by a homeless guy dressed as you! He beat poor Robin and I am sure he was going to shove rats into his throat! How could you two not tell me of this? I am technically a part of your team!"

"Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, calm down!" reassured Batman, patting his butler's shoulder, "All this time you are arguing could be used to make us some new batcakes." Alfred looked at him with disdain and annoyance, he sighed and said as he left to the kitchen, "At least you aren't some crazy homeless pedophile..." Batman nodded even though he wasn't really listening, with Robin glaring at him with anger.

"I demand my own Robincakes!" demanded an annoyed Robin.

"Perhaps some other time," replied an uncaring Batman.

* * *

><p><strong>A Ra's al Ghul Story<strong>

In the deserts of Bialya, there in the dunes was a giant stone stronghold towering over the sandstorm. In the stronghold was a large room with green light and magnificent pillars, sitting on the middle of the room was the Demon's Head, Ra's al Ghul.

He was lost in meditation as his men brought in the Batman, his suit covered in cuts and his face full of bruises. Ra's opened his eyes and looked at the Bat.

"Detective…I am glad you have come," greeted Ra's.

"Well, the last time we met you were in a gefilte fish jar," replied Batman sardonically, "Plus, your men bound and gagged me before they brought me here…Talia has some weird kinks…"

"I wouldn't know," replied Ra's, then demanding his men to leave the two alone, they both bowed and walked out of the room, leaving Batman with the Demon.

"Okay, so why did you bring me here? Another dumb attempt to get me to be your heir to your _L_e_ague of Extraordinary Ninjas_?" rambled Batman.

"Yes, and good title, I think I may use that in a joke someday," replied Ra's, "A less distilled version is that I am going to show you what awaits you if you should join my crusade to make the world a better place."

"If it's anything other than have sex with Talia and her battalion of lady ninjas, forget it," grunted Batman.

"You should be lucky, detective," added Ra's, "Most men would be angry that you'd talk that way about their daughters, but I encourage it. Hell, if you marry her, I'll throw in Haruhi Suzumiya from the titular series."

"Tempting…offer…" replied Batman, still unsure, "But I am going to have to say no. Even though the villains kill people and piss me off, they **do** make me look interesting."

"Well, my offer wasn't that to begin with, thanks for interrupting me, by the way," continued Ra's, "I will let you take that which has lead me to immortality all these years, and you will see it's powers."

"I am not interested in a dip in the Lazarus Pit, nutto!" growled Batman.

"No, not that, that is just used when I die or am critically injured, I mean it's main ingredient, which is…this!" He held up a bag full of marijuana. Batman's interest was peaked.

"Yes, Detective, marijuana is an active ingredient in my Lazarus Pits," announced Ra's al Ghul proudly, "Years of consuming marijuana has made me immortal! In addition, it is quite the relaxant. Surely you cannot deny a peace offering?"

Batman stared at Ra's, he closed his eyes and breathed in slowly. He then said the most holiest of responses.

"…Suit up."

**One Hour Later**

Batman and Ra's were lying on the floor, looking at the ceiling, high as a kite. The marijuana was put into a large fire pit, with the two inhaling the smoke as well as smoking their own through pipes Ra's carries around with him.

"So…if you are…against injustice…" let out Batman, "…Are you against the people against pot against the people?"

"Why would they…fight?" let out Ra's, then spurting a short laugh and turning serious again, "Detective…am I a good person?"

"Don't say that," sighed Batman, turning to his side.

"Am I. A good. Person?" reiterated Ra's, looking at Batman.

"Yeah…in a way…" grunted Batman, kicking his legs for some reason, "But…killing people is bad…that's all I can say."

"Oh…" replied Ra's, looking at the ceiling again. Suddenly, Batman turned around and tickled Ra's in the stomach.

"Tickle fight!" laughed Batman, Ra's laughed too as he tickled Batman. Two grown men were tickling each other, how gay is that?

**One Hour Later**

Both Batman and Ra's were sitting near a pit full of Funyuns, looking at it with longing. "Sooooo, this is what you do when you have the munchies?" asked Batman.

"Yyyyyyyyyep," replied Ra's calmly, who dug his hand in and put some Funyuns in his mouth and ate them.

"…Station," Batman dug his hand in and ate some Funyuns as well.

"I also got pits filled with…Cheetos…Corn Nuts…and Doritos…respectively" explained Ra's slowly. Batman looked at him with shock and admiration.

"You got Lays?" asked Batman.

"Fuck no! Lays taste like air!" yelled Ra's, then began laughing with Batman. He then attempted to coerce Batman again, with, "Listen…all this…my pit of Funyuns…my weed…my daughter…can AAAALL be yours, just be…my hair."

Batman let out a small laugh and said, "Lemme think 'bout it…but in the mean time, I'm hungry for some REAL onion rings."

"Way…ahead…Detective," replied Ra's, grabbing a radio device and saying into it, "Shiva, get us a wheelbarrow of onion rings…now…"

After he turned it off, Batman chuckled and said in a purposely creepy tone, "I have her daughter." The two began laughing hysterically, with Ra's coughing loudly afterwards.

**One Hour Later**

Batman and Ra's were sitting in lounge chairs, with buckets of onion rings between their legs as they ate those onion rings along with listening to a large stereo behind them. The song "Black Hole Sun" was playing behind them.

"Ra's…you have that one song?" asked Batman with a wide smile.

"Which son?" replied Ra's in confusion.

"Y'know…the national anthem?" chuckled Batman.

"Detective…you scaring me…" slurred Ra's, looking at Batman funny.

"The national antherm…" coughed Batman, "…of gettin' hiiigh!"

"…Awwwww yeah!" laughed Ra's, he grabbed the remote and quickly looked through the playlist and turned it to "Because I Got High" by Afroman. They laughed as they sang along with the song.

"Cause I got high! Cause I got high! Cause I got Hi-high!" they sang together, then laughing as they ate more onion rings.

**Six Hours Later**

Batman and Ra's walked out of his room, apparently sober and calm. Batman had a sharpie mustache for some reason while Ra's was shirtless again.

"You see now?" continued Ra's, "My way of life is much more fine than yours, where stress of protecting the people from the evils of man are everywhere. If you promise to be my heir, all day, you can smoke marijuana and eat funyuns and onion rings!"

"It's…tempting…" replied Batman with a shrug, "But, as I am a social drinker, I am also a social pothead. It WAS fun, but I'd rather do it for social reasons, not for the hell of it. Sorry, Ra's, the answer is still no."

"Hmmmm, hmmmmmmm, hmmmmmm, hmmmmmmmm," replied Ra's, slowly looking to the right.

"…You're still high, aren't you?" interrogated Batman with a sigh.

"Just a buzz, Detective, it'll pass," sighed Ra's, then saying, "You will see my way of life someday, when you have lost everything…and I will be there…helping you from the ashes…like a phoenix."

"…Yeah, that's the high talking," added Batman, he grunted and said, "Look, I gotta go, I think I was suppose to pick up Tim from school three hours ago."

"Reefer Madness is a lie," added Ra's for no reason.

"…Yes it is," answered Batman, he patted Ra's' shoulder and said, "Nice talkin' to ya. I gotta go." He slowly backed away and walked down the hall to the exit.

Ra's watched Batman walk away as a ninja appeared before Ra's. "Is there anything you need, sire?"

"Yes…more funyuns, The Detective ate them all!" growled Ra's, turning around and re-entering his pit.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I like Funyuns. As much as I like grapes.<strong>


	20. A Nice Banana Cream Pie

**The Banana Slug: Vagina Boob.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 20: A Nice Banana Cream Pie With A Side Of Jelly Beans.**

* * *

><p><strong>Silence of the Hams<strong>

Batman walks down a long hallway of Arkham Asylum, passing by the cells of many a nutjob. He passes by Scarecrow and hisses, "I can smell your face…you shaved today." Batman ignored Scarecrow and kept on walking.

He finally walked in front of Joker's cell, he was standing in the middle of the room. He smiled softly and looked lazily at Batman, the kind of lazy that seems kinda sexy.

"Oh hai, Mark," giggled the Joker, "Nyeh heh heh heh…"

Batman sat down on a chair looking at Joker's cell, glaring at the Joker. "Alright, I want to know everything you know about Professor Pyg."

"Lazlo Valentin," giggled the Joker, turning away, "Creeps even me the heck out. Likes touching genitals of all origins and loves to eat bacon and ham…despite him being a pig-themed villain. He was born in a house his father built, he was born to James and Lillian Potter, and once had a romance with a glittery vampire…"

"Joker, you are explaining the origins of two great literary characters…and one literary character," growled Batman, "You are leading me on."Joker looked at him with a dark smile, "Oooooh? But, who is leading who? Maybe you are leading me…to the bedroom."

Batman slams his fist on the glass wall, yelling, "If you don't start telling me, I will break your face with a rock!"

Joker instantly runs into the glass wall, making Batman jump away and forcing the clown on the floor in rebound. He grunted as he got up, letting out in pain, "Knocked the wind out of me…be with you in a minute."

Batman sighed and sat back down, Joker breathed heavily and said, "Okay then, I am ready know. I will tell you where he is…Professor Pyg…"

The Dark Knight listened intently as Joker looked around and whispered out tauntingly, "In Gotham City…AAAAAH HAH HAH HA HA HA HAAAAAA!"

"Joker! I will kill you!" roared Batman.

"Nyeh heh heh heh, you are one good joker," taunted the Clown Prince of Crime, "We all know you won't kill me, Mr. Batman. It isn't because you want to be better than me. It isn't because you think you will be just like me. It's because of one single fact…because you need me. Lemme tell you something, no one really gave two fecks about Batman Begins, sure, it was good…but it wasn't great."

"What is your point, clown!" growled Batman angrily.

"My point is the sequel, the Dark Knight," explained the Joker, "Why was it so good? Why did I get an Oscar? Why was it named the best film of the year?"

"Because Heath Ledger died?" asked Batman in confusion.

"Ye…no!" growled Joker, then shaking his head and getting his cool back, "Because I was in it! I, The Joker, was in it! And let's look at the Burton/Schumacher movies, the first rocked, and they all slowly decayed to crap…and why?"

"Because you were in them?" asked Batman in annoyance.

"No, Schumacher," replied Joker seriously, "But in the long run…you need me, that is why you'll keep me alive. That is why you can't kill me. That is why I will return in the Arkham City sequel. You. Boring. Me. Awesome. Capiche?"

Batman stopped and began thinking to himself, then growling out, "Shut up!"

"Oh! But it is true!" hissed the Joker, "But enough about me being oh so better than you, you came here for a pig, correct?"

"…Yeah," growled a slightly hurt Batman, keeping his emotions bottled.

"I'll give you the info you want," said the Joker as he walked to the toilet, "But this is the point where you give me something in exchange for my information."

"Okay," replied Batman as Joker unzipped his fly, "What are your terms?"

"…Aaaaaaaaah!" released the Joker as he peed in the toilet, he looked over at Batman and said, "One: I want a television, with DVR and a DVD player, a VHS is optional. Two: I want a Gameboy Color, not a Gameboy Advance and not a Gameboy _Gameboy_, and pray to God if you bring me a Nintendo DS of any kind!"

"Why only a Gameboy Color?" asked Batman in confusion.

"Did I friggin' ask for questions?" growled Joker, still peeing, "Three: I would like one of those singing bass trophies! They are funny as hell and it gives me a smile every day, ya here? Four: Harley Quinn, everyday, two o'clock in the afternoon! Why? Because bopping the weasel to pictures of you is giving me rashes! I care not for rashes! No more rashes!"

"Joker…you lost me," let out Batman in a disturbed fit.

"Then get a notepad and pencil, bastich!" yelled the Joker as he finished peeing, shaking his wiener a bit.

"Boy, you REALLY needed to pee," let out Batman.

"Yes, yes I did," replied the Joker, zipping his fly back up and turning to Batman triumphantly, "Five: A little orphan boy! I want him to watch me and Harley Quinn at two o'clock in the afternoon. I want his name to be changed to "Shotafreak"! I have an idea for a sitcom…"

"That is definitely NOT going to happen!" growled Batman.

"Okay! His name can be Donkeypunch!" groaned the Joker.

"Nnno! The whole orphan watching you and Harley screw! Can't do that! Ever! Never!" roared Batman, "Besides, you aren't a pedophile!"

"No, I am not," explained the Joker, "But I am interested in what Harley will think of the situation, possibly may have another…"

"…No!" reiterated Batman angrily.

"Fine!" yelled Joker angrily, "No straight shotacon! Ruin my dreams, why don't you!"

"It's my job, Joker," growled Batman with a smirk.

"Okay, my NEW Five: I want a pair of bagpipes! I plan on learning how to play them and annoy everyone in the whole asylum. Again, I have an idea for a sitcom," explained the Joker as he swirled his finger around, "Six: I would like to switch cell neighbors. I have trouble being "alone" with Killer Croc just staring at me."

Batman turns around and sees Killer Croc standing in the cell behind him, scratching the glass slowly. "That could easily be arranged. Who would you like it to be?"

"That is number seven, my last one: I want Harley Quinn on the other side. I plan on doing that whole "tits on the glass" thing I see in those prison films," finished the Joker rapidly and insanely, "I do believe this is reasonable."

"Well, just as long as you don't try to escape, then we are fine," explained the Batman, "Now tell me where the Pyg is at…"

"Okay, I'll tell you," replied Joker calmly, "He is in a barn down in the rural areas of Gotham. It can be seen near the North Gotham Highway, a blue barn with a destroyed cottage near it. That is where the Pyg is, and that is where you will find the missing high schoolers."

"I'll do that!" yelled Batman in pride, getting up and running from the cell. Joker ran to the glass wall again and smushed his face against the glass, spit dribbling out his lips.

"Go now, Mr. Batman! Fly fly, butterfly, fly fly!" hissed the Joker, rubbing his cheek against the glass again, "Come mah lady, come come mah lady, you're my butterfly, sugar, baby!"

Joker looks over at Killer Croc, who was looking at him. Joker pulls his face away in distaste and yells out, "And stop looking at me!"

"I'm so hungry," groaned Killer Croc."I am delicious, but still," groaned the Joker, "You creep me out more than Pyg when you do that!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Penguin Tries Again<strong>

Oswald groans as he waddles down the stairs to his office as two of his henchmen consul him repeatedly.

"Don't worry, boss," told one of them, "We did a check, it's not Joker, it's not Killer Croc…and ESPECIALLY not Batman."

"And it's a woman, correct?" interrogated Penguin.

"We made sure!" replied a henchman, "Background, interview, and let me tell you…me and the other guys…damn, she could win Boner of the Month in Blackgate!"

Penguin moved his umbrella at his ankle and shot at his knee. The henchman cried in pain and fell down the stairs as the other and his boss walked down.

"I'm honored," replied an emotionless Penguin. When he walked down, he saw a great and beautiful sight. It was a woman facing away from him, with long luscious legs, a thin enticing body, and one fine round rump. She wore a pink top with spaghetti strings and showed her back and stomach, a black miniskirt with her black thong strings being seen above it, fishnet pantyhose and black high-heeled shoes. And finally, long permed crimson hair, swaying her hips as she was talking in her phone.

"That her?" asked Penguin with joy.

"Go to her, hoss," egged the henchman, "Go. To. Her."

Penguin licked his chops and waddled over to her quickly. He stopped right behind her and grabbed her buttocks, causing her to arch her back in surprise.

"Hello, my damsel of the night," cooed the Penguin, "Want to be with a very important man?"

The woman quickly turned around, revealing large breasts, a pierced bellybutton, and revealing her face, the face of…

SCARECROW!

"Keep your hands to yourself," hissed Scarecrow.

"GAH!" screamed Penguin in fear, then roaring in anger as he whacked Scarecrow's face with his umbrella, "You son of a bitch!"

He roared again in fury, waddling away angrily. He walked up the stairs and cornered a trio of his men. They were terrified as he pointed his umbrella at them.

"That was the Scarecrow!" yelled the Penguin, "I just groped the Scarecrow's butt! I touched his butt! His butt is what I touched! Why didn't anyone tell me it was Scarecrow?"

"We didn't know, boss!" squealed one in sobbing terror, "We were given' a very, very, very good reference! He said he dated her before! We didn't know it was Scarecrow!"

"Pull up the reference! I demand to see it!" roared Penguin as he walked to his computer. The man pulled up the sight, revealing stats for a beautiful lady Penguin thought he saw. He looked at the bottom, which had a link that said, "EXPLAINS EVERYTHING"

Penguin pushed the button, leading to YouTube. It opened up a video, a video that explains everything for the Penguin.

It was a loop of Batman and Robin rolling down a row of giant piano strings as hammers began pounding behind them, with a strange song behind heard.

Penguin sighed and gave himself a face palm, shaking his head in disappointment. "Uh, sir, what's wrong?" asked the henchman.

"I…was just…BatRolled," groaned the Penguin. The men sighed and patted his shoulder, with Scarecrow walking up the stairs, looking at Penguin.

"…I do make a very convincing lady," he said with pride.

Penguin sighed and said, "If only we were in Blackgate, then you'd be of some use…"

* * *

><p><strong>Hello, Batman<strong>

At the barn, Gordon and Harvey Bullock were escorting a beaten and bruised Professor Pyg from the barn to the cop car, handcuffed with two handcuffs due to his fat. Batman watched from the top of the barn and nodded, then getting a phone call from an unknown source.

"Yello," replied the Batman in a serious tone.

"Hello, Clarence," said a voice from the other side from a old-timey telephone.

"My name is not Clarence, Joker," growled Batman angrily.

"Damn, can't blame a guy fro trying," replied the Joker, in his cell playing **Pokemon Blue** on his Gameboy Color as he watched **Shrek 2** on his television. In his cell was a bass trophy on the wall and a pair of bagpipes in the corner.

"A little," hissed Batman.

"Also, I want to thank you for the free stuff," thanked the Joker, defeating Gary in the second rival battle, "If you want more info on insane criminals escaped from Arkham, call me and you can exchange gifts for valuable whatsits."

"Bastard!" growled Batman, "I should hang up right now!"

"Perhaps later," replied the Joker, looking at the other cell, "It's almost two o'clock, and I have a date with a very pretty clown." He smiled at Harley Quinn, looking at the Joker lovingly with her hands on the glass.

"What's stopping me from hanging up right now?" growled Batman angrily.

"Me…hanging up…instead!" giggled the Joker, who quickly hung up the phone and insanely laughed at the Bat's predicament.

He sighed and looked at Harley Quinn, turning off his Gameboy and clapping his hands. "Okay then, my pretty little girl!" laughed the Joker, "Before we can get started, I need you to do that thing that I like."

"Tit's on the glass?" asked Harley curiously.

"Oh. Yeah." replied Joker slyly, laying down on his bed as he turned on his bass-trophy, singing "Hound-Dog" by Elvis Presley.

Joker likes music as he watches boobies on transparent surfaces.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Just watched BLEACH, filler, with the whole Zanpakuto coming to life shit. There is a guy with no nose…well, he has something covering his nose. And he for some reason…reminds me…of a clown! AHAHAHAHAAAA!<strong>


	21. It's Hush, Man

**The Banana Slug: Hush…A character that is known to be very, very, very, very underrated. He may have a semi-weak backstory, hating Bruce because his parents died and his didn't…before his.**

**But, other than that, Hush, to me, is very interesting and waiting for you all to give poor Elliot a chance.**

"**Batman: Hush" was very entertaining, and "Heart of Hush" was magnificent. So please, make Hush the main baddy of "Beware the Batman", not Professor Pyg…**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 21: It's Hush, Man**

* * *

><p><strong>Hush Gets A Call<strong>

After an afternoon of shopping, Hush enters his studio apartment with two bags of groceries as he kicks the dirt from his feet. He slides in and places the food on the table near his fridge.

He walks over to his bed and plops his back right on the mattress. He turns on the television and watches America's Funniest Home Videos with a Diet Double Dew can that mysteriously appeared in his hands.

"Bwah hah hah hah!" laughed Hush, "Stupid dog…heh…"

He then gets a call from his cellphone, his ringtone was "Sit On You" from "Tim & Eric's Awesome Show, Great Job!". He answered it with a, "Yeah-huh?"

"Hey, it's me, brah!" greeted a voice from the other side. It was Prometheus, who was on a comfy lounge chair in his mansion in another dimension, drinking Diet Pepsi.

Hush sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, apparently not fond of Prometheus. "Oh, hi Prometheus…" he grumbled.

"Soooo…how's things, Tommy?" asked Prometheus in a nice tone.

"It's Hush, man," groaned Hush.

"Sorry, my bad! Hahaha!" laughed Prometheus, then asking in a friendly tone, "I was just planning my revenge on the Justice League after I destroyed Star City! They totally let me go afterwards! What dumbasses! Anyway, I got Weather Wizard and Killer Moth on board and…well, you hate Batman, I hate Batman, and we **kinda did in a way **worked together once before. So, I was thinking you and I could team up and destroy him AND the League! What do ya say?"

"…Weather Wizard and Killer Moth?" asked a disinterested Hush.

"Yeah," replied a hoped-up Prometheus, "Along with Control Freak, Bizarro, and the Penny Plunderer! We're gonna blow up some more cities to make Justice League feel like crap and all!"

"…Penny Plunderer?" questioned Hush.

"Yeah, bra, I had to take what I can, man," explained Prometheus, "But, it's gonna be perfect, man! Together, we can both get our revenge!"

"On the League or Batman?" interrogated a disinterested Hush.

"…Both, man," replied Prometheus, scratching his head, "We could get revenge on both, right?"

"…I could give two-fecks about the Justice League, _brah_!" replied an annoyed Hush, "Batman humiliated and crying like a child is my only goal in life. I don't know why **you** hate Batman, either because of some contrived mind erasing crock, but that doesn't matter right now. What I really have a problem is your random goals."

"Random goals?" asked Prometheus with confusion and slight anger.

"Yeah," replied Hush as he took a sip of his Diet Double Dew, "You see, let's look at your last attack of the Justice League. You destroyed a whole of Star City, and from what I heard from Joker, you killed the daughter of a super, Lian Harper…that doesn't faze me, I would've done the same except not in a dumb way like you did."

"Uh, how…how would you do it?" asked a slightly annoyed Prometheus.

"Not important, but I would've done better," rambled on Hush, "Just as good as I am a better Anti-Batman than you."

"Excuse me?" growled Prometheus, "I am a better Anti-Batman than you could ever be!"

"Is that so?" asked Hush calmly.

"Yeah! What are you suppose to be anyway? Some Dirty Harry mummy…that preforms surgery?" growled Prometheus, "While I am…"

"The man who brought fire to the people and was wrongly accused by the gods, the name, Prometheus" finished Hush, "That name…really doesn't make sense to me. It would make sense if you were a fallen hero cheated by the others…but you weren't. You were the bastard son of two dumb criminal hippies that got their just desserts and you decided to go "flobbedy-goop" crazy! Thinking that you could get rid of ALL justice."

Hush got no response, Prometheus was shaking his fists and grinding his teeth, "Oh…yeah?" he growled out in anger.

"Yes," replied a calm Hush, "And what's more, my dear purple pal, your goal…doesn't make sense? What is justice? The quality of being fair and reasonable. The quality of being…well, just. Getting rid of justice means that you are getting rid of all good behavior. I for one would love to see people shooting their guns into the sky, massive orgies on the street, AND the Joker as mayor, but other than that, your whole philosophy is pointless. Many mistake revenge for a **cry for justice**. What the Justice League should be called is the Revenge League."

"Don't you talk about how bad revenge is, Elliot!" roared Prometheus, "You are all about revenge, man! Your whole pitiful existence is based on it! I was a child of circumstance, and you are a selfish brat!"

Hush was silent, then gave a dark smile, saying, "Yes…I am a selfish brat. I wanted the money my worthless parents had, and the Waynes ruined it all. Batman got all the money and the freedom when his worthless parents died, and I was forced to clean the crap from my nagging mother's mouth. And I blame Wayne for all of it, so yes…I am selfish. But I am the only one to admit it."

"Y'know what!" yelled Prometheus, "I don't need you! You are just a spoiled brat prep! **I** will destroy the Justice League! **I **will prove who is the better man! And **I** will show you how much of an Anti-Batman I truly am!"

"Sure, brah, whatever you say," replied Hush tauntingly, "But I must remind you, that even though you killed a little girl, remember this…**I killed Batman's hunchback**!" Prometheus stood there dumbfounded, then sighed and said sadly, "Damn it. I can't top that at all…"

"Of course not," sighed Hush happily, then adding quickly, "By the way, Green Arrow is behind you ready to **shoot your dumb head off**."

"Huh?" grunted Prometheus, who was quickly shot in the head with Green Arrow's green arrow and pushed onto a map of Africa. Green Arrow, standing in front of Prometheus' corpse, began to fist-pump and dance the Macarena in victory.

Hush laughed and ended the call, watching more of AFV. He laughed heavily at the one where the kid puts the mouse on top of his cage and it quickly gets captured by a passing-by hawk.

He then grabs his phone and calls someone. Who he calls is Slade…or as many fans call him, Deathstroke, but Slade sounds better. He was in his clockwork office as he answered his cellphone, which played, "Pussy" by Rammstein as it's ring tone.

"Mhm?" he replied.

"Hey Slaaaade," said Hush in an overly-nice tone.

"…Hi Hush," groaned Slade with dissatisfaction.

* * *

><p><strong>How Two-Face Got His Groove Back!<strong>

In a dark warehouse, Batgirl and Nightwing were tied on two chairs in a dank office as they sat there. They were conscious, not blinded by the cliché blindfold, and had no gags in their mouths.

"Batgirl!" grunted Nightwing, "Where are we?"

"…Warehouse," replied Batgirl.

"Yeah, I know!" grunted Nightwing, trying to break free, "But how did we get here?"

"…Mexican train?" asked Batgirl.

Nightwing stopped and simply stared at Batgirl with a scowl, she smiled and shrugged shyly. Then, the doors busted open to reveal Two-Face and two of his henchmen walking in.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Robin #1 and Batgirl #2," said Two-Face, flipping his coin several times, "I try and get out of the country on a Mexican train and you two just try and stop me so that I can go back to Arkham, eh?"

"Yes," replied Batgirl.

"Exactly how you expositioned it," added Nightwing.

"Since we got that clear, it's time to kill the both of you," continued Two-Face coldly, "First, one of you get something to remember me by…that's something the coin will determine."

"Yeah, like Indian food," grumbled a henchman.

"Shut up!" yelled Two-Face angrily, then saying to both of them as he showed them his coin, "Heads will be Nightwing, and Tails will be Batgirl…let's see who fate favors."

He then flips his coin, both heroes look at the coin with terror as the light shines from it. What was he going to do, cut one of their faces in half? Put them in a wood-chipper till only their top half remains? Or strap them to a log so that a saw blade could split them down the middle. The coin landed on Two-Face's palm as he slapped it against his wrist. He waited for a long while, creating suspense from the two. He lifted his hand and it revealed to be…

HEADS!

"It's you…Nightwing," growled Two-Face with a dark grin, "The coin says…it's you."

"Aaaagh! Crap!" growled Nightwing angrily, "Just my luck!"

"Yeah…luck," grunted Two-Face as he walked to Nightwing. He quickly grabbed his collar and lifted him up, his hands still bound was brought up to Two-Face's level as they glared at each other. Two-Face breathed out and growled out, "Something…to remember me by…"

With that, Two-Face moved forward and frenched Nightwing WHAT? Uh, yeah. Two-Face gave Nightwing a wet one on his lips, kissing him deeply with great passion. Nightwing, however, was deeply disturbed and attempted to pull away, but Two-Face grabbed his head and didn't let him.

Batgirl was obviously shocked by this display of kissing worthy of many slashfics, shaking her head in disbelief.

The two henchmen looked at Two-Face with surprise, also shocked by this display of sucking face. "Uh…did you know the boss was…liked dudes?"

"…Yes," said the other with a happy and nostalgic tone. The other henchman just gave him a strange and shocked look.

Two-Face gave final push and then released his mouth from Nightwing's. Nightwing gave him a strange and disturbed look, his eye twitching a bit.

"Two-Face…uh, I didn't know…you were gay," he let out, feeling violated.

"No, bisexual," replied a deadpan Two-Face.

"Ooooh! I get it!" laughed a henchman, "Cause, he's all about duality and bisexual is liking two genders! Ha ha! That's a good one." Two-Face glared at the man angrily, who gulped and looked away. Two-Face looked at the disturbed and uncomfortable Nightwing.

"I always thought you liked men," added Two-Face.

"Huh?" grunted Nightwing, shaking his head violently.

"Well, with the suit, the hair, and the fact you are voiced by Jesse McCartney," continued Two-Face.

"Look, man! You may be bi, but I am not! I am not…gay!" argued Nightwing, looking around nervously.

"Yeah, okay," replied Two-Face as he smiled.

"I'm not! I'm…definetly not gay!" defended Nightwing, sweating like a storm and blushing wildly.

"Okay,' replied Two-Face as he rolled his eyes.

"I'm not," he continued to argue, "I just…like the feel of…spandex and…"

"…Metro," finished Two-Face.

"Well…" replied Nightwing, thinking a bit. He then nodded and said with a high voice, "Yeah…guess I could be that."

"Oh well," sighed Two-Face, dropping him on the chair and pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. He smoked it in front of the two with pride and a strong pose.

Batgirl looked around, then asking, "…Me?"

Two-Face looked over and said, "Sorry, coin says no."

"Damn…" she growled in anger.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: …Well, it makes sense!<strong>

**BTW I would like to give a shout-out to Matchet Hatchet for giving me the idea of the bisexual Two-Face idea.**

* * *

><p><strong>I would like to encourage readers to give me ideas, and I will give you a shout-out. But I do have a FEW guidelines.<strong>

**1. Don't give me a plot. Give me an idea. I'll run with it. If you don't like what I did, you can make a fanfiction of it, this is the site to do it.**

**2. Keep it **_**somewhat**_** appropriate and sane. No major sex stuff, no 100% nutty trollicious crap, and no serious stuff…please. _**

**3. Don't get mad if I don't use it. It's a fact of life, people will reject things. Sorry. :]**


	22. Friendship is Horrible

**The Banana Slug: …**

…

…**I have never seen My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, my "Z"any friends. I never seen it not beca"U"se I hate MLP. Fa"R" from it, I am proud of a s"E"ries that has actually gar"N"ered MALE fans! That's "A" mindsc"R"ew beyond proportions!**

**It's just…I don't ca"R"e! I don't care about MLP. I am sure it's a good s"H"ow, but I really don't care to see it.**

**So, here's an episode of Batman seeing My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

**SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: Masaomi Kida from Durarara**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 22: Friendship is Horrible**

* * *

><p><strong>My Little Batman<strong>

Batman was strapped down to a chair in a dark room, struggling against the bonds that bind him angrily.

Suddenly, from the doors in the back entered Scarecrow, walking to the Batman slowly as he dragged his scythe against the plaster floor.

"Welcome to hell, Batman," hissed the Scarecrow, pressing his hand against Batman's angry face, "And I am Satan…"

"Scarecrow, when I get out of here!" growled Batman, "You are going to need an Iron Lung…after feeding it to you!"

"Good threat, but unlikely," replied the Scarecrow darkly, "I have found a way to break you without my Fear Toxin…a feat you should consider a grand achievement." Batman replied with a great big gulp.

Scarecrow quickly darted across the room and pulled in a small television. He then put a device on Batman's head, the same one from A Clockwork Orange were Alex DeLarge was forced to watch that movie…I'm not the only one who saw it, right? Right?

"What…what is this?" growled Batman angrily.

"Batman…I have searched the world for the ultimate of mind-breaking abberations," explained the Scarecrow as he waved a VHS tape, "And I will show it to you now."

"Oh god! It's a VHS tape!" yelled Batman in terror, "I didn't know they were still around."

"They are, but that is not what I am going to show you," growled Scarecrow angrily, "I will show you something I recorded when I was watching cartoons in my boxers as I was eating my Captain AtomO's."

"…Didn't you want any Frosted Bat-Flakes?" asked a slightly hurt Batman, sniffling a bit.

"I didn't have any, but I do have to say, they are damn tasty!" responded Scarecrow happily, then returning to a grim attitude and hissing as he put the tape into the VHS built into the television, "Now, feast your eyes…on friendship!"

Suddenly, the screen turned on and Batman saw what the Scarecrow was talking about. Seeing a bunch of pretty clouds and a hot air balloon as a woman started to sing…

"My Little Pony! My Little Pony! Ahh ahh ahh ahhh! My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be! My Little Pony! Until you all shared it's magic with me!"

Batman quickly began to scream, frantically struggling against the bonds as he tried to break free from this mental torture.

"No! Stop it! I beg you! It's a sin! It's a sin!" he screamed, "Friendship isn't magic! Friendship isn't magic! How can it be magic? It's impossible! With that logic! WE! ARE! ALL! MAGIC!"

Scarecrow just smiled as he forced Batman in terror as he was forced to watch My Little Pony, all it's warm fuzzy goodness against his will…something Batman is against, warminess and goodness.

"Stop…it…NOW!" roared Batman in fury.

"Not at all," cackled Scarecrow delightfully, "I wish to see how this affects you. It seems that the warm fuzziness of My Little Pony has turned you into a loon. I wish to conduct this further with ACK!"

He was suddenly stopped when Batman broke his hand free and grabbed Scarecrow's throat. Batman stares at Scarecrow's eyes with a red gleam as foam comes out of his scowl.

"I! Am! Not! HAPPY!" he roared furiously. He then threw the terrified Scarecrow at the television, breaking it along with Scarecrow's limbs. The Bat growls as he attempts to break free, then roaring triumphantly as he breaks free and jumps out the window, flying over the city as he laughs insanely.

He quickly spots Two-Face enjoying a latte in a nearby café, minding his own business. Batman dives down and aims right at Two-Face with great speed. He gets closer and closer, with snot and slobber leaving Batman's mouth and nose…respectively. Let that sink in for a bit. Then, he slams into Two-Face and flips the two-faced crime boss on the railing of the café. "My back!" screamed Two-Face, as that was where the railing landed on, "My baaaack!"

"AAAAAH! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!" laughed the insane Batman, who used his grapple gun and flew across the city again. He spotted the Penguin on the roof of his Lounge, feeding the pigeons.

Batman growled as he dropped down behind the Penguin. The Penguin turned around and saw Batman, smiling at him. "Oh! Why hello, Batman! A pleasant day this…"

He was interrupted when Batman slapped the sides of Penguin's head, stunning him a bit as Batman punched Penguin in the gut with a roar. Penguin spurted out blood and vomit from his lips as he fell at his pigeons, who unwisely did not get out of the way.

Batman looked over and saw Killer Croc and Poison Ivy walking down the sidewalk, laughing to each other. Batman grinned deviously and jumped off the roof.

"Y'know, I think we have a lot of common, Killer Croc," she said to him.

"Please…call me…Waylon," hushed Killer Croc with a smile.

"Oh, Waylon!" swooned Ivy. Suddenly, Batman jumped on Killer Croc's back and began wailing at his head. Croc ran around roaring with anger, getting dizzy with the constant blows to the head. He then groaned as he fell to his knees, then falling unconscious as Batman flipped off and landed in front of a very angry Poison Ivy.

"What the hell, Batman!" she yelled, "We weren't doing anything crime-related! This is just…rude!"

"Green Lady…HOT!" roared Batman, who reached out and tore Ivy's outfit off with a dark grin. She quickly covered herself in embarrassment, and slight fear at the Dark Knight's new persona.

"Batman? Why are you all…ALL-STAR?" she whimpered.

"Friendship! Is! Pain!" roared Batman insanely, who then laughed as he ran away with Poison Ivy's clothes, leaving her shivering and naked with Killer Croc on the ground unconscious.

Batman laughed the whole way, but stopped and dropped Ivy's clothes as he saw Riddler and Mad Hatter in an arcade. Riddler was playing "Space Invaders" as Mad Hatter watched with glee and clapped his hands childishly.

Hatter soon saw Batman creep over with an evil smirk. He tapped Riddler's shoulder and said with fright, "Ehh, Batman is here…"

"Huh?" replied Riddler, too immersed in the game, but soon felt Batman's chest on his right arm, "Oh, hello Dork Knight, I'm a little busy, so how about you but out and GACK!"

Riddler was grabbed by the head and had said head bashed on the screen multiple times by a lunatic Batman, laughing like the Joker. Mad Hatter grabbed Batman's arm, trying to stop the Dark Knight from beating up the Riddler.

"Control thyself, knight!" argued Mad Hatter, who got a boot to the head from Batman in response. As Hatter fell on the floor, sobbing like a baby, Batman threw Riddler into the basketball pit and ran out of the arcade, flapping his cape like wings as he whistled.

When he ran out of the arcade, he spotted Hush walking down the street as he read the newspaper. He ran over to Hush and knocked said paper off his hand and began stomping on it cruelly. After Batman ran away, Hush looked down and began stomping on it too, growling and roaring with anger.

He then spotted a subway train on the tracks above, he quickly pulled out the grapple gun and shot at the train. He zipped up to it and landed on the roof, crawling on the roof as he moved to the front of the train.

On the way, he encountered Masaomi Kida from Durarara on the roof of the train just standing there happily."Hey Batman, what's goin' on?" he asked pleasantly. Batman just smacked him in the face, forcing Masaomi to fall from the train as he yelled a long emphatic, "Nooooooo!"

Batman looked into one of the windows of said train and saw Calendar Man, dressed as a woman and holding a wooden basket filled with bombs. Batman punched through the window and grabbed his collar. He dragged Calendar Man out of the window screaming, forcing him to look at Batman in the eye as he growled darkly…

"Happy Mother's Day! Punk!"

He then threw Calendar Man off of the train and into traffic, definitely not killing him, though.

Batman then threw a batarang for no reason, then gliding away as he laughed into the sky. The batarang went through a window in an apartment, where the room with the window was Mr. Freeze's secret lab with his frozen wife in the middle as Mr. Freeze drank cold milk as he was mixing vials.

"At last! I have finally found a cure!" he announced proudly. Suddenly, the batarang flew to the vial and knocked it on the wooden floor.

He sobbed as he yelled out, "It's…It's not fair! It's not fair! No. No!" He then got on his knees and screamed out, "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Batman glided across the city looking down at it with an evil grin. He quickly spotted the abandoned carnival that Joker uses as his base. He grins as he dives at the main window, crashing through it and entering Joker's main office.

In it, Joker was on his desk as Harley was laying on it. When they both spotted Batman, they stumbled around and quickly got up, nervously laughing."Oh! Batman!" laughed the Joker, "I was just enjoying some time alone with Harley and…"

"Shut up!" roared Batman. They both did as they were told.

"Uh, puddin', what's goin' on?" asked a frightened Harley Quinn.

"He's finally cracked!" said a happy Joker, almost laughing.

Batman stomped to the two and growled as he slobbered like a mad dog, his eyes pure red with hate and evil.

"Now, Joker…it's time I kill you and your skank so bad, that in Hell, there won't be anything to torture you with!" growled a menacing Batman.

Harley and Joker stepped back, Harley was scared while the Joker could hardly stop giggling. Batman cornered the two to the wall, staring down at them with rage.

Suddenly, he sported an emotionless face, then sighing with a dopey smile on his face. For some reason, his anger has subsided.

"Wait? What's going on?" interrogated a confused Joker.

"Oh, yeah…Scarecrow showed me My Little Pony," replied Batman, "My dark foreboding soul could not process the strange feeling of happiness it generated. So, I went into what I call, my **Zur-En-Arrh** state. It is used when I experience great psychological trauma…a last resort in a way."

"Oh! I get it," replied Harley Quinn.

"Shut up, Quinn!" yelled the Joker, "You're just saying that to make yourself look smart…and failing!"

"Yeah, and my **Zur-En-Arrh** state is only temporary, until my mind gets back on the right track and learns to process it to the point it will not harm me ever again," further explained Batman, then walking away as if nothing happened.

"Wait, aren't you going to kill me?" asked a hurt Joker."No, the state is gone and I have developed an immunity to MLP," replied Batman, "See ya!" He waved at them and quickly flew out the window.

"No! You come back here!" yelled Joker as he ran to the window, yelling at Batman from said window, "You were ready to throw your morals away! What's up with that? Come on! Kill me! Be the psycho I always dreamed you were! Come back! Nooooooo!"

He fell on his knees and sighed sadly. "There goes a stupid…stupid man…"

Harley Quinn walked over to him quietly and put her hand on his shoulder. He quickly got up and smacked her hand away. "I don't need your pity, woman!"

* * *

><p><strong>How To Make Sloppy Joes (as narrated by Killer Croc)<strong>

Okay, the first thing you'll need is some ground beef! Doesn't matter who or what you use as meat, it must be grounded. That is a must! Do as I say, or I'll eat your face off!

Second, get a frying pan! That is a must! How the hell will you cook the damn beef otherwise, retard?

Third, heat said pan with anything you can find. You may use a stove, but I use a oil drum filled with fire. I live in the streets! I need to use whatever I can find! That, or Firefly's flame-thrower.

Then, you put the meat into the frying pan and grab a nearby long object. You may use a wooden spoon or a spatula. Me? I use my own hand. I don't feel any burning, due to me being one hell of a strong individual! You here me? You are weak! I am strong! I will eat you! You will be tasty!

After that, you may now put in the ketchup. If you only use packets to make Sloppy Joes, then go home and I will be waiting for you…so that I can EAT YOU! Devour your skin! Gnaw on your skull! RIP YOU IN HALF!

Then, after stirring in the ketchup, you may now improvise by putting in other ingredients in with the meat. I prefer using Sweet Mesquite and hot sauce for flavor…along with some chopped-up human eyeballs, blood from a cat's face, and sliced onions.

…

No! I will not say it! No! Never…

…WHAT CONTRACT?

…

FINE! I'll do it!

Ahem…

…Cooking is so fun! Cooking is so fun! Now it's time to take a break and see what we have done!

Yay! It's ready!

…Oh…my dignity.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Batman…is not a Brony? .O.<strong>

"**Ponies are nothing but death…and crime…and the rage of a beast!" -Batman of Zur-En-Arrh  
><strong>

**BTW, thanks to Bren Tenkage for giving me the idea. So, y'see? Give me an idea and I may run with it! Yes! You have the power, you!**

…**ZUR-EN-ARRH! I COMMAND THEE!**


	23. Batman Meets Kal AOL

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Marville in any way. Marville is a property of Marvel Comics. This fanfic is non-financial and I am not receiving any money from this fanfiction. Suement is not needed.**

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I saw the Linkara review for Marville #1 and #2...Damn, I never knew Marvel could screw up! Ever!<strong>

**I mean, what other times have they screwed up?**

**CIVIL WAR. ULTAMATUM. ULTIMATES 3. NO MORE MUTANTS. ONE MORE DAY. PRETTY MUCH A MAJORITY OF THE ULTIMATES UNIVERSE…**

**Okay! Okay! Marvel is a massive screw-up! That is why I am a DC Guy! They never make mistakes!**

**AMAZONS ATTACK. ALL-STAR BATMAN. CRY FOR JUSTICE. JLA ACT OF GOD. COUNTDOWN. THE LATEST REBOOT WHERE THEY MADE STARFIRE A PROSTITUTE…Okay! I get it! Everyone sucks! But Marvel sucks worse right now. And I am waiting for Marvel to get it's shit together…THEN will I come back to them. And until then, at least your movies rock. Damn Green Lantern…**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 23: Batman Meets Kal-AOL**

**SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Kal-AOL from the hit series from Marvel Comics, "Marville"**

* * *

><p><strong>Batville<strong>

Batman was sitting on his bat-sofa with a bat-cake in hand, eating it as the black frosting stained his lips, watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on ABC Family.

"How are your Bat-cakes sir?" called Alfred from the kitchen.

"Awesome!" grunted Batman loudly.

"How's your movie?" called out Alfred.

"Good!" grunted back Batman.

When commercial broke, it showed a preview of a new episode of "Secret Life of the American Teenager", showing off more angst and preachy abstinence bull. Batman growled in rage and threw his cupcake at his plasma-screen bat-TV.

"Another **Secret Life of the American Teenager** commercial?" asked out Alfred.

"Goddamn it! Why is it a Secret Life!" ranted the angry Batman, "We all know you teens have sex all the time! It's not a secret! And worse of all! Condoms! Use them! Birth Control Pills! Get them! Did you use them and they failed? Then you are seriously **doing something wrong**! Hacks!"

Batman grumbled and sat down as he smushed his face with bat-cakes, looking at a preview of "Bunheads", causing him more internal hate. Suddenly, he heard someone knocking on his door.

"Mawlfwed!" roared Batman with bat-cakes in his mouth, "Geddadur!"

"I can't get the door, I'm making a Batcake," called out Alfred, "Just make sure Steve Bino doesn't come in and beat me up again."

"Muhuh!" groaned Batman as he got up and walked to the front door as it was knocking again, Batman then yells, "I'm coming! Stop knockin' on the damn door!"

Batman then opens the door and glares at the person knocking as he chews loudly with cupcake frosting on his lips.

At the door was a brown haired teen wearing a really dumb outfit with Marvel written on the chest. He smiled as he stared at Batman, who glared at him distastefully.

"Sorry, I'm conducting an investigation of Bruce Wayne's establishment," lied Batman calmly, "The villainous Cupcake Wizard has struck again, if you excuse me."

"No, no!" argued the boy, "My name is Kal-AOL! I was wondering if you can help me learn how to be a superhero! I really want to help people, and people say YOU help people! Can you help me help people?"

Batman glared at Kal-AOL, or Al, and then said with a grunt, "Fine…but don't mess with me."

"Thanks Batman!" cheered Al, waving his arm happily.

"Stop doing that," growled Batman.

"Oh…okay," let out Kal-AOL. Batman walked past him and pushed a button on his gauntlet, and the Batmobile came driving to Batman like a faithful puppy. The doors opened and Batman climbed in.

"Get in, Cousin Oliver!" shouted Batman in boredom. Kal-AOL nodded and ran to the other side, getting in as the Batmobile drove down the road.

For minutes, there was an awkward silence. Batman was focused on the road as Kal-AOL looked out the window. He looked at Batman, saying, "So, what do I need to be a hero?"

"A cereal spokesmanship," replied Batman.

"Huh?" let out Kal-AOL.

"Yes, your face must be used for cereal," replied Batman, "You see, people like to eat things that are based on heroes. I have Bat-Flakes, Superman has SuperBerries, Wonder Woman has Wonder Wheaties, and Aquaman has Marshmellow Aquamaties…it's tasty than what you think…"

"So that's all you need to be a hero?" asked Kal-AOL.

"No, you need to **earn** that cereal sponsorship, by being popular as hell," replied Batman, "Hell, even Joker, a villain, has his own cereal. It's a peanut-butter crunch cereal called Joker's Balls."

"Joker's Balls?" let out Kal-AOL in disgust.

"It's better than it sounds, bitch," grunted Batman, "So, what do you have in mind for helping people?"

"I gave money to a bunch of poor people," replied Kal-AOL happily.

"That…is retarded," growled Batman.

"Hey! I'll still be rich even if I give $500 dollars a week!" argued Kal-AOL.

"Good for you, numbnuts," grunted Batman as he drove.

"Stop getting on my case! I want to give money to poor people!" yelled Kal-AOL.

"Again, good for you," sighed Batman, "But that is still retarded!"

"You could give $100 dollars a day and…" continued Kal-AOL, but Batman simply slammed his head against the window.

"You are talking to the Goddamn Batman!" growled the Goddamn Batman, "I am in no need for your crap. Where do you want to go?"

Kal-AOL groaned as he rubbed his head, saying, "Take me to poor people."

Batman continued to drive, then asked, "And where are these poor people you ask? Does it look like I have a HGPS?"

**Later, at Poor People**

The Batmobile stopped in front of the slums as Batman and Kal-AOL got out. There were about three or four poor people. Batman yawned as Kal-AOL pulled out some money, walking to the three or four poor people.

"Would you like some money?" asked Kal-AOL. The poor people walked over and Al gave each of them $400 dollars.

"Can we have some more?" asked a homeless person, "I need to pay rent!"

"Uh, sorry, I need some myself," let out Kal-AOL with shame, Batman only smirked.

"Don't be selfish!" ranted another, "You have tons to spare! I was a war veteran! My government gave up on me! I need $1200 to get back to Hawaii and see my kids again!"

"You ain't got legs, Lieutenant Dan!" screamed another homeless man. Al was forced to back away into Batman's chest.

"See? Giving money doesn't help!" scolded Batman, "It helps, but if it was so simple, we wouldn't be in the shit-house, dumbass."

"But how can we help them?" asked Kal-AOL sincerely.

"I wish I knew, but I don't, sorry," sighed Batman, crossing his arms.

"So…what do we do?" asked Kal-AOL.

"…Wanna stop some crime?" asked Batman casually.

"Sure!" yelled Kal-AOL happily.

**Later, at the Joker's Hideout**

Batman and Kal-AOL walked down the hallway of Joker's Funhouse, leading to a large metal door. The two walked down and stopped in front of the door.

"Okay, you cool?" asked Batman.

"Yeah!" let out Kal-AOL.

"You sure?" interrogated Batman.

"Uh, yeah! Yeah, I'm…cool," replied a half-sure Kal-AOL.

"…Good," growled Batman with a hidden smirk. He reached out and knocked on the door loudly with his bat-fist.

"Come in!" chimed the Joker's voice. Batman opened the door, with Kal-AOL following the Bat as he walked into the Joker's office.

Joker's office looked like an arcade, with Joker over at the Whack-A-Robin with his crowbar in hand. Batman held in his rage.

"Oh! Batman! You should've called, would've loved to freshen up!" giggled Joker, "How may I help you?"

"This young hero wishes to ask you something," said Batman, placing his hand on Al's shoulder.

"Ask away, my dear boy!" said the Joker happily.

"Well, Mr. Joker," said Kal-AOL with a smile, "I would like it if you stopped crime."

Joker looked at him with a rage-filled frown, then began to laugh insanely. He fell on his back as he kicked on the floor.

"Is he serious? He is? Oh my dog! That's so hilarious!" laughed the Joker madly in front of the stoic Batman and confused and slightly hurt Kal-AOL, "I mean! Haha! I am being asked, to stop crime, something that brings me happiness! Pfft! By Cousin Oliver here! NYAAH HAA HA HAAAH! HA! HA! HOO! HAAH HA! Oh dog! I'mma pee! I'mma peeeeyaah ha haaaah!"

He stopped and began to pant slowly as he leaned against the wall. Joker then walked over to Kal-AOL and said, "How high are you, son?"

"It's just…normal people don't act like you!" argued Kal-AOL, "No criminal is as insane as you! It's just too fictional!"

"Oh yes," sighed Joker tauntingly, "And Ed Gein and Charles Manson must be _fairy tales_ by your logic."

"Okay! If you don't stop!" threatened Kal-AOL, "I'll send my dog at you!"

"Try it, Encyclopedia Brown," replied the Joker. Then, Al put his fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly. In from the door came an old brown dog, panting roughly with every step.

"Where did that dog come from?" asked Batman, which is what you are thinking, I'm sure."Sick him! AOLstro!" ordered Kal-AOL. AOLstro growled as he slowly walked to the Joker, coughing as he snarled.

"Bud. Lou," called Joker calmly.

* * *

><p><strong>WARNING! HERE COMES GRADE-A SCARECROW SHIT! IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SUCH THINGS! SKIP THIS UNTIL I SAY SO!<strong>

* * *

><p>Suddenly, two large spotted hyenas jump from the arcade booths and start ripping AOLstro apart. AOLstro didn't even put up with a fight! Poor stupid lazy dog. Ripped apart by the Joker's hyenas, what a way to go.<p>

"Oh God! Oh man! Oh God!" moaned Kal-AOL in misery, "Does this mean with the death of my dog that I will become a brooding and melancholic force of justice to avenge his savage death?"

"Dude…I lost my parents," retorted Batman, "Your excuse is crap to me!" They looked to see the Joker holding a box with a devious smile. The two looked at each other with an uneasiness and fright.

"What's in the box?" asked a careless Batman.

"What's in the box!" demanded a nervous Kal-AOL.

"What's in the box?" asked Batman, eating a banana.

"What's in the booooox!" demanded a teary-eyed Kal-AOL.

"What's in the box?" asked Batman, juggling a baby and a chainsaw…and Scarecrow.

"What's in the fucking box!" yelled Kal-AOL in a nervous and furious wreck. Batman quickly snagged the box from the Joker's hand and looked into it. When Kal-AOL looked over, Batman quickly slammed the box shut and hid the contents from Al.

"What is it?" let out Kal-AOL with a whimper.

"Uhhhh," grunted Batman nervously, "Do you know anyone with red hair?"

"Yeah! My love interest that you don't really see as a love interest, Mickey!" announced Kal-AOL happily. Batman breathed in awkwardly, looking away and scratching the back of his head.

Kal-AOL's smile disappeared and frowned deeply. With great sorrow, he fell on his knees and screamed out in sorrow.

"This the reason you are looking for," said Batman.

"You didn't know that she was pregnant! Did you!" referenced the Joker in an insanely glad mood, "That is your sin! Envy! And now! I will now enact my sin of Lust…and Wrath!"

He then pulled out a gun and pointed it at Kal-AOL's head. He peed his pants and shook with fear.

"Wuh-Wait! No! I…I am suppose to help save people!" let out a frightened Kal-AOL, "You don't have to kill me!"

"Shut up!" snapped the Joker, slapping Al in the face with his gun, causing the boy to scream in fear. Joker then said, "Now, if you want to live, I want you to suck on the pistol."

"Wuh?" let out Kal-AOL.

"Suck! On! My. Gun!" yelled the Joker threateningly, cocking said gun.

"Okay! Okay!" he let out. Kal-AOL then pressed his lips against the shaft and put the gun in his mouth, looking at the Joker with teary eyes.

As the guy everyone hates was mumbling to the Joker, the villain everyone loves sighed happily and pulled the trigger carelessly. Kal-AOL's brains spewed everywhere and was made dead, by the Clown Prince of Crime.

* * *

><p><strong>OKAY! YOU CAN STOP HERE!<strong>

* * *

><p>Joker cleaned his gun as Batman watched and dropped the box on the ground. "Jeez, a little too much, Joker?" asked Batman.<p>

"It's like we first met," sighed Joker as he walked past the dead corpse of Kal-AOL.

"Yeah, but this seems like the first stages of Cerberus Syndrome," replied Batman, "And we all know what happens afterwards. Misogyny."

"Batman, I have done a great good today!" explained Joker, walking past his hyenas as they feasted on the corpse of AOLstro, saying, "Good boys."

He plopped on his chair at his purple and green desk and put his gun back into his drawers, and said, "Well, loverly, I just got rid of a great horrible person today. A person people want dead for his annoyance and hatability. People will thank me! Praise me! A lot more than they already do!"

Batman just stared at him, refusing to believe the Joker. "Y'know, it feels like my life is like some stupid fanfiction.""How does that make you feel?" asked the Joker.

"…I dunno, I don't care," replied Batman, walking to the door and punching it open. As he always does.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I put the disclaimer up there because I am afraid of being sued by Bill Jemas. He seems like the kind of asshole that would sue for small trivial things, seeing how he fucked up so much. :})<strong>


	24. The Same Damn Insult

**The Banana Slug: I am watching Jackie Chan Adventures on Netflix…EPIC NOSTALGIA!**

**Damn! Haven't watched this show since I was in Elementary School! Still fresh as before! How it got canceled I'll never know.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 24: The Same Damn Insult**

* * *

><p><strong>Over and Over Again!<br>**

It was a hard night, Batman squared off by the Joker's henchmen, surrounding him and wielding crowbars, pipes, and one even had a violin. He was surrounded at all sides, an ocean of henchmen in the middle of the abandoned amusement park, the lights on as his back was against the rollercoaster railings. They chuckled and leered at Batman, ready to beat him to death.

He was infiltrating the Joker's abandoned amusement park base after he stole ten million dollars worth of White Castle burgers. Batman knew one thing…

Joker had to pay…

The blood-crazed henchmen all ran at him, but in true Batman fashion, kicked all kinds of ass. Kicks to the head, punches to the spleen, and a cadre of broken arms. Nothing could beat the Dark Knight.

Suddenly, he was shot at from above by an RPG. The RPG missile was large, green, and had a decal of Cloud Strife on it. Batman quickly dodged it with a barrel roll, followed by a somersault.

He looked up and saw the Joker, holding an RPG rifle with an insane grin. He laughed his trademark laugh and yelled out, "Hold still Batman! I am going to burn you like **paper** on an open fire! NYAHAHAHAAAA!"

Batman grunted with disbelief in Joker's words, the Clown Prince shooting another RPG missile at the Dark Knight. With that, Batman was forced to fight the henchmen and dodge the missiles, not that that was a problem for a Batman.

This was just practice…

**One Hour Later**

After Batman dispatched the Joker in a way that I copped out from, he wandered through the sewers, his electric batarang ready to attack any foe he comes across.

As he walked from the smelly, smelly waters, something jumped out and leapt right at the Batman. He quickly rolled away, standing back up and ready to throw his batarangs at the enemy.

It was Killer Croc, drooling madly as he glared at the Batman. He roared at the Caped Crusader like a wild beast, baring his teeth and claws.

"Batman!" he roared, "I will tear out your flesh like tissue **paper**!"

Batman tilted his head in slight annoyance, having heard a paper insult just a cutaway ago. Before he could whine about that, he dodged a massive slash from Killer Croc, throwing an electric batarang at his face. This caused Killer Croc to get madder and meaner, then again, that's an oxymoron.

**One Hour Later**

Batman was in the warehouse of the Scarecrow, trapped in a large rusty cage dangling from a chain over a cloud of fear gas. From the walkway was the Scarecrow, holding a remote in one hand and his rusty scythe on the other.

"Well, well, well," hissed the Scarecrow, "You've been busy with these cop outs and other villains."

"If you don't release me, Crane," growled Batman, "I will beat you into a red burlap sack!"

"Fear is **my** job, Batman," hissed the Scarecrow, waving his remote around, "And once you are dipped into the clouds below, your mind will crumble like **paper** in my hand!"

"…Excuse me?" grunted out Batman.

"Huh?" let out Scarecrow.

"Oh, nothing," sighed Batman, "It's just that WAH!" That wah was created when the Scarecrow pushed the button, the cage slowly descending down to the gas cloud.

**One Hour Later…again…**

Batman, who escaped from Scarecrow's trap in a way so badass that I refuse to tell you because I am a major dick, was trapped in the deadly and sexy Poison Ivy's vines, dangling above a gigantic Venus Flytrap…that eats people!

From another giant flytrap, opened to reveal Poison Ivy, sitting on the red plushy insides. She lifted herself up and walked to Batman.

"Pamela Isley," grumbled Batman, "Why must evil be so sexy…"

"My dear Batman," she cooed, "Why must good be so rugged? But sadly, your fate is sealed, since the day you put on that stupid cape."

She then pointed to the gigantic flytrap below, snapping it's jaws like a hungry predator. "Soon, my love," she said with a smile, "My dear pet will shred you up like **paper**!"

"Are you serious?" growled Batman in annoyance.

"What?" let out a hurt Poison Ivy, "It's a good plan!"

"No, not that!" groaned Batman, "The paper threat! Why the paper threat? You are the fourth person to make a threat involving **paper**!"

"…What's your point?" asked Poison Ivy in confusion.

"My point is…never mind, forget it!" growled Batman in anger.

"Batman, I'm sorry, but…" she explained, "I don't know what…"

"I said forget it!" yelled Batman furiously, "Forget it! Forget it!"

"Okay! Okay! Jeez!" she sighed out in surprise. Then breathing in and snapping her fingers, letting the vines drop him to the monstrous plant. Batman quickly pulled out a freeze grenade, threw it into the maw of the beast and froze it. Batman quickly grabbed his grapple gun and pulled himself back to Poison Ivy.

"…Asshole," grumbled a furious Poison Ivy.

**One Hour Later again AGAIN!**

After taking care of Poison Ivy, the Dark Knight was in the Iceberg Lounge. He was ducking behind the bar as the Penguin and his men were shooting wildly at the direction. Batman reached into his utility belt and pulled out a smoke pellet.

"Penguin!" shouted Batman, "I bet I can defeat your men with only ten moves!"

"I'll take that wager!" announced the Penguin delightfully, "And when I am done with you! You will be left on the water, your body will be soggy and torn…like **paper**!"

Batman, losing all training, leapt up and yelled, "ARE YOU SERIOUS!"

Penguin was flabbergasted, as were his men. Batman then ranted loudly, "Every friggin' villain I meet! They have threats with the same damn thing! Paper this! Paper that! And yours wasn't even a good one! Why does everyone make paper the same damn objective!"

"Because…well, it's so fragile," explained a half-hearted Penguin.

"And why not! It's not like there isn't anything more fragile! Like glass! Twigs! Hell, I'd even take plastic, and it's very durable…which is why people don't use it as an threat!" yelled Batman, "I am soooo close to Zur-En-Arrhin' that it's not even funny! Damn it! I just can't handle it over and over again in the same damn day! Y'know what? Do what you want! I'm fuggin' done!"

He pulled out his grapple gun and shot it to the skylight and exited with shards of glass falling on the floor. Penguin was dumbfounded, looking down softly.

"Am I…that predictable?" he asked his men.

"Yes," said one. Penguin glared at him, then shooting him in the knee. The henchman screamed in pain and fell on the floor, holding his wound in pain.

* * *

><p><strong>Bane is Mad at Robin<strong>

Robin and Batgirl as Tim Drake and Cassandra Cain were in the Gotham Music store, looking through many CD cases.

"So, wanna get Tool?" asked Tim."Tools for stoners," she replied.

"Shut up!" yelled a voice. They looked to see the author, The Banana Slug, holding a Tool CD, glaring at the two.

He grumbled as he slithered away, letting out, "Damn tweens."

"Okay, then," let out Cassandra Cain.

"How 'bout Justin Bieber?" asked Tim happily, Cassandra looked over at him, and then slapped him in the face.

"Just joking! Heheh! I hate Justin! That lesbian!" giggled Tim nervously, lying as good as he could.

"Sure…" she sighed with annoyance, she then held out a CD and asked, "Timberlake?"

"Oh no! I know your obsession with him! It makes me jealous!" scolded Tim, "I see you in your room when you listen to him! It's like you like him more than me!"

"…How?" she asked nervously.

"We share the same room," reminded Tim with a blush.

"…Oh…" chirped Cassandra. Tim looked down and saw a Rammstein CD, an epic band that no one dislikes. If you dislike Rammstein, you are not human, you are some kind of reptilian of some kind.

He reached out to grab it, only to accidentally touch another's fingertips. He looked to see Bane glaring down at him, apparently that even though his size is great, he can appear without notice.

"Don't touch me!" he yelled, then punching Tim in the face, sending him flying to the wall. Tim groaned as he slid on to the floor, Bane walked away with his Rammstein CD with a dark grin.

Cassandra walked over and bent down to look at him. "That's for liking Bieber."

**Minutes Later**

Tim and Cassandra walk over to the coffee area, hoping to get a mocha to share…since Tim only has enough for one cup.

"So, with one cup, we can still afford Creed, Serj Tankian, Lordi, and Celine Dion," said Tim, then asking Cassandra, "Why are we getting Celine Dion again? We hate Celine Dion."

"To annoy Bruce," she said with a smile. With that, she gave Tim a high-five.

Robin put the one dollar into the vendor, and was able to get one Butterfinger Mocha Espresso…it's more delicious than it sounds, had one…pretty good.

As Tim grabbed it, he accidentally knocked into Bane, spilling some of the mocha on his back. Bane looked over and growled at the boy.

"You stained my shirt!" he yelled, slapping Tim across the face. This blow sent him at a Rihanna poster, funny story, I'm known to flock to Rihanna posters as well! Just. Like. That. As he flew, the espresso flew out of his hand only to be caught by Cassandra.

She walked over to his damaged form, sipping the espresso. "Thanks for the espresso."

**Minutes Later**

Tim and Cassandra walked out of the Music Store and saw Bane, trying to shuffle through his ring of keys in front of his tiny car…comically tiny car.

"That stupid Bane!" growled Tim, breathing in to make a strong chest and preparing to walk over to the massive man.

"Tim…" said Cassandra as she put her hand on his shoulder, "Don't be stupid."

"I'mma gonna show you what your boyfriend can do to this dumb hulk!" growled Tim proudly. He got in front of Bane, blocking his path to the car door with a mean look.

"Alright Bane! You got some explainin' to do!" he growled in a manly voice, then slapping Bane's left breast.

Bane looked down at Tim, then asking, "You have a death-wish, puto?"

"Do you?" reversed Tim slyly.

"I am mad at you!" growled Bane angrily in a Captain Obvious way.

"And why's that?" hissed Tim coldly.

"Because!" replied a furious Bane, giving Tim the coldest of glares. His veins popped out and he barred his teeth at Tim, grinding them as he growled.

Tim looked at him with bed-wetting fear, letting out in a feminine voice, "Um…'kay?"

Cassandra then walked over and stood between the two and looked at Bane. They both began a stare-off, both glaring at the other. Neither of them blinked, as Bane looked at her angrily with his fists clenched, and Cassandra looking at him calmly with her arms crossed.

Tim Drake stood there awkwardly as his girlfriend and the man who wants to beat him to a bloody and broken blob of flesh with bones sticking out haphazardly.

Bane nodded slowly and said, "You are tough. Not many stand in front of me and stare down at the mighty Bane. I like you, your dumb Bieber fan there, not so much."

Tim grumbled and kicked the sidewalk in anger. Bane sighed and said with a laugh, "I mean, not many people stand in my way, mi amiga. Most I would rip like **paper** and be done with…"

"BAT-BRICK!" shouted a voice, and from out of nowhere, a large red brick with a black bat-symbol on it hit Bane straight at the top of his head.

"AAARGH!" roared Bane, holding his head in pain as blood trickled down. They all looked to see Batman on a roof, glaring at all of them.

"Stop! The damn! Paper threats!" yelled Batman, who glided away like a powerful bat.

"What's his problem?" asked Bane angrily.

"Beats me," sighed Cassandra in embarrassment.

"Toon killed his brother?" added Tim with a shrug. They all looked at him strangely, the boy blunder shrugged with a large blush on his face.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: No, no, no! A Toon killed his parents!<strong>

…**Dropped a piano on their heads.**

**I would love to congratulate "superstarultra" for his story idea for the paper threat one. To be honest-like, I had NO idea how I was going to utilize it…but I did it! Hopefully it works!**


	25. BatMemes

**The Banana Slug: Twenty-Five Chapters! I don't think I ever got Twenty-five with my other fanfics from my old persona! Obviously, it was a good idea to change my profile and be a different person! To commemorate twenty-five chapters, this one is going to be filled with memes! Twenty-five! This chapter will have twenty-five memes!**

**The Joker: In a row?The Banana Slug: Yes, in a row!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 25: BatMemes**

* * *

><p><strong>1. Batman is Nathan Explosion<strong>

Batman was at his computer, looking at that one video of the chick rubbing herself with spaghettios, that one was messed up.

Suddenly, Robin walked down the stairs and to his mentor, who was doing his best to ignore the boy.

"Hey! Batman! Hey!" yelled out Robin happily."What do you want, Robin?" growled Batman.

"Did you hear what this chapter is going to be about?" he asked in a cutesy way.

"No…and I don't care," growled Batman.

"This chapter…" he revealed, giving a dramatic pause, trying to contain his excitement, "Is gonna be about…MEMES!"

Batman spun around, glared at Robin, and from the top of his lungs, screamed out…

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

><p><strong>2. Poison Ivy is M. Bison<strong>

Poison Ivy was watching all this on her computer screen, giving a dark and evil laugh as she did so and rubbing her hands together…maliciously.

"This is delicious!" she cooed out pleasurably as she sat on a throne of wood, with Killer Croc eating a security guard next to her.

He then asked, with blood on his face and a dead corpse in his massive green hands, "Guess you won't be needing those tapes I made for you. You want me to get rid of them?" He hoped she wouldn't, since they were a slideshow of all the wonderful times they had together.

"Don't be hasty, Waylon," she said with a dark kindness in her voice, then hissing out with glee, "Not until I see Batman lose it so that I can send it to the internet! Which should be any moment now!"

On the screen, it then showed Batman growl as he ripped the chair that was connected from the ground, lifted it above his head, and threw it at Robin. Robin screamed as he fell onto the floor, crying as the chair was crushing his rose from her seat, and with her fist up in the sky, she proclaimed, "YES! YES!"

* * *

><p><strong>3. Silent Clay, Deadly Face II<strong>

We all know Roland Dagget, right? The guy from the original Batman animated series? The guy who made Clayface into Clayface?

Well, that guy was outside his mansion, carrying a metal garbage can full of junk to the street for the garbage man, so that he could take it away for all of our convenience.

He sighed and slapped his hands together, getting another can to put there. When he lifted the second can, it could be seen that Clayface was on the middle of the road, holding a revolver for some strange reason.

"**Garbage Day!**" called out Clayface with a dark grin and soulless eyes. Roland looked at Clayface as the muddy shape shifter held out the gun.

"Huh? No!" yelled Roland in his only dialogue in the whole series. He was then shot by Clayface, going straight through the garbage can and right through Dagget's cold heart, killing the poor bastard and making him unable to appear in the series laughed as Roland fell to the pavement, twirling his gun and blowing at it like all the cool cats do. He walked forward a bit and laughed once again, effectively getting his revenge in a cheesy movie way…

…Just like he always wanted…

* * *

><p><strong>4. Did you know Hush was a Ginger?<strong>

Hush stood in the middle of a roof, holding up a camera and looking at it sadly, looking around a bit.

"Hi, uh, this is Hush," he grunted out, "…It really irritates…that Batman would say…red-headed people don't have souls…but we do. We do have souls. And lately, I've been called a ginger by the Joker. A fat ginger. As well as every criminal in Gotham."

He sighed and scratched his head. "It really hurts my feelings…" he said, "I don't like to admit it, but it does…really bad…"

Then, out of nowhere and almost bipolarly, he yells out angrily and pointing his fat finger at the camera, "Gingers have souls! I go to church! I'm a Christian! …You don't **know** me! You're not god!"

He then begins to make ghost noises for some bizarre reason that I can't really explain. He even wiggles his lips around, making motorboat sounds with his bizarre eyes looking at the camera.

"You're not god, Batman!" growled Hush, "So if you think…that I don't have a soul! Tell me! …Otherwise, fuck you! …Bitches, fo' real!" Oh damn, he got gangsta on us.

"I'm gettin' tired of people makin' fun of me, like "Hahaha! He's a ginger! Hahaha!"…Really, that's funny? Yeah?" he ranted with no sense of humor, then yells angrily, "It pisses me off! Ginger people **do** have souls! I got red hair…well, I used to have red hair! And I'm proud of the fact I used to have red hair!"

He growls as he asked, "Everyone else get's respect! White people, Mehicans, Kryptonians! What's the difference? TELL ME! God! Cause I don't see much of a difference, a'ight? …I used to be a red-head…and I'm proud of it!"

He then sighed and turned off the camera, looking at the sky as Joker was passing by in an air balloon. He yells out, "Hey! Gingy!" as he passed by the building.

Hush, with no sense of humor, was not pleased.

* * *

><p><strong>5. Bees, My God!<strong>

Batman was chained to a wall with some weird wicker helmet on his head as Scarecrow and a cadre of insane mental patients were behind him. He growled as he yelled to Scarecrow, "Let me go before I hurt you!"

"Don't make me laugh," hissed Scarecrow, "Now, you will suffer from my deadly Bee Weapon!"

"Bees…" said a terrified Batman, "…My god…" Scarecrow was given a large jug of bees that had a hose at the top. Scarecrow dragged the jug by the hose as he crept to the chained Batman, who was struggling against his chains.

"Ah! No!" he screamed, "Not the bees! Not the bees!"

Scarecrow then connected the hose with a hole on the helmet, causing the bees to swarm inside. He roared in pain as the bees got everywhere, in his mouth, in his eyes, and even his nose, stinging him.

"AAAAAH!" he screamed in misery, "Oh! They're in my eyes! M'eyes! AAARGH!"

As Batman spat out bees, Scarecrow gave a trollicious grin, clasping his hand against his mouth to contain the laughter.

* * *

><p><strong>6. Quote from Arkham City and Phoenix Wright<strong>

It was a courtroom, with one side having Two-Face defending himself, and the famed Phoenix Wright defending the city of Gotham City.

"We have enough evidence to say that Harvey Dent, once great attorney for this fine city, was involved in the murder of ten people and injured twenty during the bombing of the New Years Eve parade" explained Phoenix proudly, "This should be proof enough to send him to Arkham with no chance for parole! In other words…"

"OBJECTION!" yelled out Two-Face, pulling out his gun and shooting Phoenix Wright in the noggin', causing everyone to shriek in fear as his body falls limp on the floor.

Two-Face then blows on his gun and says with a cocky tone…

"Overruled."

* * *

><p><strong>7. Slenderbat<strong>

Joker was at his computer, eating a bowl of Doritos as he was checking his e-mail. He scrolled down the countless ones from Harley asking him about his day, which he could give two screws 'bout Harley's wonderment.

He then spots one that makes him raise his eyebrow, it is unnamed but says its from Batman. He opens it and it reads…

"I am outside your house."

Joker chews his chips with a wide-eyed fear, looking at his right window of his trailer hideout. He slowly gets up, wearing only a white messy wife-beater (how fitting) and a pair of heart-covered boxers and walked over to said window.

He slowly moves away the blinds and looks outside, seeing a sight that makes his heart jump. He sees Batman, but wearing a black business suit, a white shirt, and a black tie. His signature bat-mask was the only thing that he wore from his original suit.

Batman quickly looked over at the Joker, glaring with an expressionless frown. The Clown Prince gasped in fear and jumped away from the window, sweating as he looked around in fear.

"I'm screwed…" he chirped.

"Yes, you are," growled Batman, who was right behind the Joker, who was crapping his pants as I am writing…

* * *

><p><strong>8. A Message From Ra's al Ghul<strong>

Batman was over at his computer, turning it on to see a message left from the Demon's Head in his e-mail. The screen soon showed a video file, with Ra's standing in his main hall, glaring at the camera.

"You are a fool, detective!" he growled nefariously, "Your intellect is as weak as your compassionate views."

He sighed as he continued with a dark and condescending snark, "Failure is your destiny. I will destroy Gotham and all who live in it to preserve the world, and let the ashes create soil for the Earth."

Batman glared at Ra's as he kept on rambling, "You disrespect yourself and your own parents, who died for your worthless existence."

And before the video ended, Ra's ended it with an epic and memetastic, "You are made of stupid!" Ra's then walked away and the video ended.

Batman just sat there, offended and confused by the Demon's Head's last words, also wondering if anyone got that reference.

* * *

><p><strong>9. Scarecrow Cry<strong>

In Arkham Asylum, during lunch time, the Joker, Scarecrow, and Black Mask were eating sloppy joes. They were wearing the prison uniforms but were allowed to keep the masks, well, in Scarecrow and Black Mask's case.

"Why are you two still wearing your masks?" asked the Joker.

"Mine is stuck," said Black Mask with Sloppy Joe in mouth.

"Mine hides away my bishonen ugliness," explained the Scarecrow.

"Good thinking," replied the Joker to Scarecrow, "Bishonen is a dangerous thing."

Suddenly, from the skylight, came down Hugo Strange, wearing Batman's costume and landing on the table, squishing their sloppy joes.

"Beware…the Batman!" roared Hugo, pulling out cardboard batarangs. Joker stared at Hugo, unamused by the man. Black Mask was spooked, looking at Hugo with his mouth dropping.

Scarecrow, however, was starting to develop tears and began to tremble. His expression was that of fear and sadness. He then let out a long cry that went like this…

"…Miiiiii!"

"You jerk! You scared the Scarecrow!" yelled Joker angrily as Scarecrow kept on letting out the weird cry, "Get outta here before I rip ya a new one!"

Hugo stood there dumbfounded, with Scarecrow still crying at him with that weird cry. Black Mask then got up and whacked Hugo at the back of the head with his tray.

"That's for steppin' on my Sloppy Joe!" he yelled angrily.

* * *

><p><strong>10. Boom! Deadshot!<strong>

There was this man on the sidewalk, eating chocolate ice cream as he walked. And then suddenly, he was shot in the head and fell to the floor, lifeless.

"Boom! Headshot!" yelled a voice from the distance. On a skyscraper was the terribly evil Deadshot, who was aiming his gun at more people at the area.

He shot at another man right between the eyes. "Boom! Headshot! I can dance all day! Try me!"

As one young man tried to run away, Deadshot shot him in the back of the head, "Boom! Headshot! Yeah! Yeahahaha! Wooohoohoo! Take that bitch!"

He then began to admire his wrist-guns, saying to himself as if in an interview, "So yeah, uh, these are my customized gats here, they own! THEY! OWN! HAHA!"

As the cops began to close in the area, Deadshot aims at the lieutenant in the area, who was speaking into a radio. With a click of his lips, Deadshot shot right at the side of the head…and getting a perfect kill that gave him +6000 points.

"BOOM! HEADSHOT!" he roared out with glory. He then sighed as he began to interview himself again.

"So yeah! What can I say, nothing like hunting people down and killin' 'em! My heart's beatin'! My hands are shakin'! But I STILL SHOOTIN'! It's like BOOM! HEADSHOT! BOOM! HEADSHOT! BOOM! DEADSHOT!"

And then he was tackled by Batman, who glided from a taller building and slammed Deadshot onto the pavement, bashing his head over and over again on the cold hard granite.

Batman then got up from the unconscious Deadshot and said with a smirk, "Boom…Headshot."

* * *

><p><strong>11. Waylon Bit Me!<strong>

In Arkham, Aaron Cash was in front of Killer Croc's cage, sporting a smile and moving his hand back and forth as Killer Croc slowly moved forward to bite him. Croc quickly nipped the fingers of Aaron.

"Ouch!" let out Aaron, pulling his hand away and saying happily, "Waylon bit me!"

Not learning his lesson, he stuck his hand in there again, but Croc finally managed to get Cash by chomping down on Aaron's entire hand.

"Ahohow! Ow!" let out Aaron with good spirit, but then blood trickled from Croc's maw, causing Aaron to let out, "Oooh…OW! Ouch Waylon! OWWWW! Waylon! OWWW!"

Killer Croc then chomped hard and tore off Aaron's hand right off, leaving a bloody stump for a hand.

"Waylon!" whined Aaron in misery, "That really hurt!"

Cash looked at his bleeding stump as Killer Croc looked back, the crocodile man then chuckled childishly. Aaron tried to stay mad, but couldn't and began to chuckle too.

He looked over to the security camera with a dumb grin. "Waylon bit me," he said happily, then yelling out to Croc, "And that really Croc! And it's still hurtin'!"

Killer Croc simply shrugged happily, chewing on Aaron's hand with a big drum grin.

* * *

><p><strong>12. Killer Moth!<strong>

It was outside of Arkham, during the night as the place was under-high alert. The watchtowers were searching the area with searchlights as the siren rang through the area.

As they searched, Joker, Scarecrow, Black Mask, Two-Face, Riddler, and Harley Quinn were behind a large bush, waiting for their chance to get out of Arkham Asylum Scott's Free.

"Okay, guys! Shouldn't be too hard," explained Joker, "If we can just get past these guys we'll be free to the outside world. Anyone able to fly?"

"Uh, I think Drury Walker can fly," added Riddler, pointing to Killer Moth, who was on the ground, pulling at the grass childishly.

"But I think he can only hover so…" added Scarecrow.

"Christ…" grunted Joker, then telling them the game plan, "Alright, Scarecrow, you throw some Fear Gas grenades at the West Watchtower, and Harley, you take my Joker Venom grenades to the East Watchtower. Now, some guards will come rush out afterwards, so Black Mask, Two-Face, and I will fight them off with our semi-automatics while Riddler hacks the gate open. Killer Moth will have your back."

"I think this'll work this time, it's a decent plan," replied Two-Face, then asking Riddler, "What do you think Riddler? Can you give me a number crunch?"

Riddler nodded and said, "Uh, yeah. I'm coming up with a 66.99999, repeating of course, of success." As they rambled Killer Moth got up and looked at the group.

"Okay then!" announced Joker happily, "That's a lot better than before! So, we just need to…"

"A'ight chums! Let's do this!" cheered Killer Moth as he ran past the group to the watchtowers as he roared out, "KILLERRRR! MOOOOTH!"

They all watched Killer Moth, with Harley Quinn letting out, "Oh my god he just ran out…"

Suddenly, the watchtowers looked over to Killer Moth and shot him with rubber bullets. They got a hold of the others in the bush and began throwing gas grenades at the group.

"Crap! Crap!" yelled Joker, "Cheese it!" They began scattering, getting shot by rubber bullets and being blinded by the grenades. Killer Moth was on the ground with Joker and Black Mask.

"Godammit, Moth!" growled Black Mask, "You ruined everything!"

"Drury, you are just stupid as hell!" grumbled the Joker.

"Least I have a chicken," retored Killer Moth.

"WHAT CHICKEN!" screamed the Joker as the gas engulfed the three…

* * *

><p><strong>13. …Dinklebat<strong>

Joker yawned as he walked out of his room, wearing nothing but a pair of purple boxers as Harley laid on his bed after a night of love-making…and a slap against the face.

Joker scratched his ass as he opened the fridge, looking through it and trying to find the chocolate milk. He growled and yelled out, "Harley! Where's the goddamn choco-mo?"

"It should be in there!" called out Harley.

"Well, it's not!" yelled back Joker angrily. Suddenly, he heard a tap against his window. He looked to see Batman standing outside of it. Joker walked over and opened it, with Batman having a chocolate milk moustache.

"Sorry, mi amigo," said Batman with a smile, "Thought I could help myself with some o' your choco-mo. Bye." Batman then glided off the ledge of the ten story apartment complex, flying away from the Joker's hideout.

The Joker clenched his fists and growled out with disdain, "Batmannnn…"

* * *

><p><strong>14. Nyan Catwoman<strong>

Batman and Gordon were sitting on a bus stop, both drinking a glass of chocolate milk without a care.

"Life is good," sighed Gordon.

"Yyyep," said Batman without care.

Suddenly, they caught something that caught both their eyes. It was Catwoman, wearing nothing but her mask and bra and panties that's color scheme resembled pink pop tarts, with a large stereo strapped to her back with multi-colored streamers flowing from it, as she was riding a bicycle down the street. The song playing on the stereo was some ungodly melody that tore into the soul something fierce.

"Hi Batman! Hi Gordon!" greeted Catwoman, waving at the two, then continuing down her way. Both just stared at her for a moment, the returning to their drinks.

"I'm dating her," reminded Batman.

"I know…you son of a bitch," added Gordon with spite. Batman only smiled at this.

* * *

><p><strong>15. Bane is Sexy<strong>

Oracle wheeled into the bathroom of her apartment, only to find Bane standing there only wearing his mask and towel, standing there with a canister of Venom.

"Hello, ladies!" grunted a proud Bane, "Look at your man." Oracle did so, looking at Nightwing as he was sitting on the couch eating popcorn watching World's Dumbest Criminals.

"Now back at me," said Bane, she did, and then he rambled, "Now back at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back at me. Sadly, I am not your man. I am Bane. Now look around."

She looked around and saw she was on a yacht in the middle of the ocean. Bane then said, "You are on a yacht. With Bane. Now look at my hand."

In his hand was a platter of cooked lobster, with a flag of Mexico on it. "This is dinner. From Bane. Now look up. Look down, you are in my mansion in Columbia. Owned by Bane."

She looked around and saw she was on the balcony of his mansion, just as he said, still in her wheelchair but now in a yellow bikini. "This could be what your life. Just choose the right man. Bane. I am a horse."

Oracle then looked at Bane with wide-eyes as he saw that Bane did in fact, turn into a horse.

"…Let me think about this," she replied calmly.

* * *

><p><strong>16. Alfred Making Chocolate Pudding at 4 AM<strong>

During the late night, Batman walked into the kitchen to find Alfred stirring a pot of a chocolate viscous material over and over again, with a tired look in his eyes.

"Alfred, what are you doing?" asked Batman with a frown.

"Making chocolate pudding," said a tired Alfred.

"It's 4 o'clock in the morning," replied Batman, "Why are you making chocolate pudding?"

"Because the author is controlling my life…" he said, Alfred then took the chocolate pudding and walked up the stairs, entering a room where the author is residing in.

He was on a bed, watching "Requiem for a Dream" on the big screen. He laughed out loud during that Ass to Ass scene.

"Here's your chocolate pudding," said Alfred, handing the bowl to the Banana Slug.

"No danks, I no hungey right now," said the Banana Slug. Alfred just stood there, without expression. He took a deep breath for quite a long time, and then yelled out…

"FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

* * *

><p><strong>17. Riddler Freaks Out<strong>

Riddler sat at his desk as the camera showed him throughout all the television screens all over Gotham City, sitting there with a devious grin.

"Greetings Gotham fools!" he hissed proudly, "I have a riddle for all of you, and if you don't solve it on time, I will blow up Wayne Tower, sending you all into economic depression! Riddle me…uh, okay, I don't know…whatever it is, it's not right on the teleprompter, I don't know what that is…"

A henchman called from the other side, "No there is, the riddle that you wrote is on there."

"Okay, but," let out Riddler, the henchman trying to speak out, but Riddler then yells, "No! I can't read it! There's no words on it! Damn it!"

"Okay, it's there," said the henchman.

"No! There isn't! There's no words on it!" yelled Riddler angrily, "Do your damn job for Christ's sake! …In the Shark's head! What does that mean? In the Shark's head?"

"It's, uh, part of the riddle, boss," answered the henchman.

"…What?" grunted the Riddler, "But that's only the last part of it! I need the rest, dammit! Fix it!"

"Okay, okay," answered the henchman, Riddler sighing in anger as he waited for the man to fix it.

Riddler then opened his mouth and said, "Now, in the gulf there…" He growled as if something didn't show up, face palming himself…in the face.

He opened his mouth again and said, "Now, in the gulf…" He slammed his hands on the desk angrily.

"I can't do it!" yelled Riddler angrily, he then sighed as he said, "I'll improvise! We'll do it live…WE'LL DO IT LIVE! Screw it! We'll do it live! …Don't write it! I'll remember it from the top of my head! We're doin' it live! …Fuckin' thing sucks!"

He sighed again and said with a false triumph, "In the gulf there is a clam! This clam holds all that is dear to the Empress! But where is this clam of the Empress? Why, in the Shark's Head."

As the entire city giggled and chuckled at the Riddler's misfortune, he got up and flipped the desk over angrily, yelling at his henchman as the signal died.

* * *

><p><strong>18. Batendo 64! OMG!<strong>

It was Christmas Morn, ten years ago, with the Barbara Gordon Batgirl and the Dick Grayson Robin in their jammies as they looked through out the Bat-Tree. Batman and Alfred were sitting on their lounge chairs as they watched the two pull out a big one and began unwrapping it, and they soon discovered with great joy…

"Batendo 64!" shouted Batgirl happily.

"BATENDO SIXTY-FOOOOUUUR!" screamed Robin, with a face so epically awesome that even Batman couldn't top, "OH MY GOD!"

"Thank you!" thanked Batgirl over and over again."RAAAAH!" roared Robin dynamically.

"Thank you! Thank you!" thanked Batgirl, but was then shoved away by Robin, letting out a slightly annoyed, "Hey."

Robin continued to roar as the two slapped their hands on the box like a set of drums. "I think they like it," said Alfred with a smile.

"Now we can play those games from Blockbuster!" yelled a happy Dick, who for some reason did NOT get the clue.

"Oh! Nothing could ruin this partnership!" sighed Batman lovingly, "Not even Joker shooting one of them in the spine."

Don't. Tempt. Fate.

* * *

><p><strong>19. Mahogany<strong>

The Joker was looking through the paper, sipping a cup of Butterfingers Mocha Espresso. Harley Quinn was at the kitchen, grilling some bacon. He looked at one article which caught his eye. It was Nightwing, and he had just found Joker's secret lab full of super-mutated muskrats that would have eaten all of the dollar bills in Gotham City.

"Damn it! Nightwing ruins everything!" screamed the Joker as he grabbed his knife and slammed it onto the table.

Apparently, this spooked Harley as she looked back at the Joker with an unamused look of annoyance.

"That is mahogany!" berated Harley Quinn.

All that Joker could say of the situation was, with a large grin, "MaHOGany…yes, MaHOGany…"

"…Uh, Joker?" let out Harley, "What are you…"

"Mahogany," interrupted Joker.

* * *

><p><strong>20. StarBat 64<strong>

From the skies of Gotham City bay were four different jets, both belonging to many members of the Bat-Family. They were flying to a large abandoned oil rig that was hold up by the evil ginger Hush.

"Alright! Let's go!" announced Batman from his Batwing.

"Okay! Let's do it!" yelled Nightwing in his Night…wing…jet?

"…Easy," replied a confident Batgirl from her jet.

"Time to put these motha-humpers to the test!" screamed an overly-enthusiastic Red Hood from his jet, listening to Guns 'N Roses as he flew.

"Why the hell am I not up there with you guys?" whined Robin from the Batcave.

"Cause, Robin, you can't fly for jack!" shouted Nightwing.

"Then why is Red Hood up there!" argued Robin angrily, "He's got poo-brain!"

"Don't you use Adventure Time lingo on me, bitch-boy!" roared Red Hood angrily.

"Hey, both of you shut up!" yelled an angry Batman, "We need to destroy this oil rig before Hush creates an earthquake big enough to topple all of Gotham!"

Suddenly, there were four more jets coming from oil rig, flying right at the Batman's little Top Gun reunion.

"Can't let you do that, Batman!" laughed the Joker from one.

"Hush has ordered us to take you down!" growled Black Mask from another.

"Batboy! Long time no see!" slobbered Professor Pyg from another.

"Hush's enemy is **my** enemy!" sneered the Riddler. And soon after that, the eight pilots began having an aerial dogfight in the sky, shooting bullets at the other as they circled around the whole rig.

Professor Pyg kept on getting behind Batgirl and ramming into her backside, greatly annoying her and arousing him even greater.

"Joker's on my tail! What do I do?" shouted Nightwing.

"Do a barrel roll!" roared Red Hood.

Nightwing paused with annoyance and asked, "You've been waiting to say that this whole time, haven't you?"

"Well…" let out Red Hood. Suddenly, the rig began to quake as it ripped apart. From inside was Hush…'s head! Hush's giant head rose from the rig as he laughed with a deep booming voice, giant mechanical waving around slowly.

"Time! To! Die!" roared Hush dramatically.

Batman looked at the giant Hush with anger, he then groaned and called out, "Next meme please!"

"Batman?" asked the Joker."NEXT! MEME! PLEASE!" roared Batman in fury.

* * *

><p><strong>21. Jar of Joker<strong>

Gordon and the rest of the GCPD surrounded an abandoned warehouse, which was being held up by the Joker and his men. SWAT teams surrounded the building and created a barricade of cars, with helicopters surrounding the entire area with searchlights on the building.

Gordon walked to the building with a megaphone in hand, he raised it up and yelled into it, "Joker! We have the area surrounded! Put your hands up and give up quietly! Resistance is futile!"

Joker poked his head out of a window and smiled down at ever single member of the GCPD. "Hey! Come to negotiate, you dumb old fart? How weak! Well, guess what I've got?"

He then jumps to the window way and holds up a glass jar of dirt over his head happily. He then began singing as he swayed his hips tauntingly, "I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it!"

Gordon looked at Joker, then began to laugh happily. "I get it! Good one Joker…shoot him down." Joker stumbled around as he dodged bullets from the cops, ducking behind a crate with Harley beside him, holding her legs.

"This didn't help Harley!" yelled the Joker.

"If you don't want it!" ranted Harley, holding her hands to the jar of dirt, "Give it back!"

Joker slapped her hands and replied with an expected, "No!"

* * *

><p><strong>22. Candlecrow<strong>

Tim Drake and Cassandra Cain slept on the same bed, as Batman did not see any problem with it, and neither do I. Tim woke up and shook Cassandra's shoulder, she yawned and looked at him.

"I'm scared," whimpered Tim.

She sighed and shook her head. Tim looked around and admitted, "I said something today…I said…Scarecrow."

"…Scarecrow?" she asked.

"Yeah, they say if you say Scarecrow, he'll take you away to somewhere ambiguous," explained Tim, "And now **you** said it too!"

"Tim…that's dumb," she said. She then turned around and closed her eyes, sighing peacefully. She then felt a tap to her shoulder, and thinking it was from Tim, she growled and opened her eyes. Cassandra then saw that there was a rope around her throat, causing her to gulp. She was suddenly yanked from bed as she and Tim were floating above ground as the rope was held by the Scarecrow, who was also holding me in the rope as I am typing this.

"Fools! No one bests the Scarecrow!" he hissed in a menacingly, "I'm going to sell you brats to human trafficking and make a bundle from those sheiks!"

"You don't scare us!" shouted Tim, "You are only doing this because of that meme!"

"What? Candlejack?" he asked. Scarecrow then turned around and saw Candlejack, staring at him with a smile.

"Oh, fuck!" grumbled Scarecrow, who said Candlejack when he really shou

* * *

><p><strong>23. Mr. Freeze's Ice Cream Cookies<strong>

Victor Fries, who just got out of Arkham by his own because he felt the establishment didn't have anything to offer him anymore, walked down an alleyway to a phone booth on the street. However, it was occupied by Prometheus, who was talking to someone on the other side.

"Yeah? Yeah? No. Yeah?" rambled Prometheus, "Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure. NO!"

Mr. Freeze entered the phone booth and grabbed Prometheus, he followed this by throwing him out roughly with great prejudice. Prometheus grunted with rage, grumbling as he laid on the floor as Mr. Freeze called Hush, who was taking care of his wife when he was in Arkham.

After a few seconds of ringing, the phone answered with, "Hello? This is Hush.""Hi, Hush," greeted Mr. Freeze.

"Freeze! How's it goin' buddy?" continued Hush happily, "How you holdin' up?"

"Fine," replied Mr. Freeze with tire, "Just had a little run…"Hush then released a moan of ecstasy, who was in Mr. Freeze's kitchen with a box of ice cream cookie sandwiches on the counter, with one in his hand as he munched on them.

"Mmm! Excuse me! But these cookies are delich!" moaned Hush, "Where did you buy them?"

"…Who said you could eat my cookies?" interrogated Mr. Freeze in frustration.

"And about your wife, she's fine! Just fine," talked Hush without stop, "I put her in the cleaning chamber, who knew she could get so dirty in that cryo-tube."

"Yeah, well, it's a matter of expiration and perspiration," sighed Mr. Freeze in embarrassment.

"You want me to go in there and check on her for you?" asked Hush happily.

"No!" roared Mr. Freeze, then calmed down and said, "No…Just…get everything ready when I get there, I have to leave for Alaska. Just make sure the cops don't show up."

"Oh don't worry. I've dealt with the po-po before I think…" he stopped and moaned out again, "Oh! Nnnnh! These COOKIES! You gotta tell me where you got 'em!"

"Put that cookie down!" shouted Mr. Freeze angrily, then finishing with a loud, "NOW!"

Hush was just silent as he held the phone against his ear, he then silently took another bite of Mr. Freeze's cookie.

"…I think they expired…" let out Hush. He then took another bite.

* * *

><p><strong>24. This is Arkham!<strong>

Joker and a cadre of his escaped inmates were on the roof of Arkham Asylum, with his girl behind him and Aaron Cash and his guards were pressed near the edge. The Joker pointed his knife at Cash with a devious grin."You run out of hot pockets during lunch," ranted the Joker, "You threaten my girlfriend…You cancel Arkham Asylum movie night for budget purposes…you will suffer greatly for this…even though that is not entirely your fault."

"This is blasphemy!" yelled Aaron Cash, "This is **madness**!"

The Joker lowered his knife as he stared at Aaron Cash with a frown. He then looked over at Harley, who looked at him with a nod and an expression that said, "Mess him up good!"

Joker turned back to Aaron Cash with a grin and asked, "…Madness?" Aaron Cash looked at him with spite as the Joker nodded slowly with a smirk.

He then opened his mouth and yelled out loudly, "**THIS! IS! ARKHAM!**" The Joker quickly raised his foot and kicked Aaron Cash in the chest, sending the cool prison guard off the roof in slow motion.

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMO!"

* * *

><p><strong>25. Batman Has Had Enough!<strong>

"Batman? What's wrong?" let out Robin as the two were in their jets, flying across Gotham City.

"I can't take any more of these goddamn memes!" shouted Batman from his jet, "Sparta this! Jar of dirt that! Slenderman hit me with a wiffleball bat! I am sick and tired of these endless memes! Who is causing this?"

"I am," said a voice from the radio.

"Hush…" growled Batman, both he and Robin looked out their windows to see Hush on a rooftop, eating an ice cream cookie.

"I am teaching you a lesson…a lesson…in soul," hissed Hush, "And I will keep on haunting you with memes…if you only say one thing…Gingers. Have. Souls!"

"Never…" hissed Batman angrily. The Dark Knight then opened the cockpit of his batwing and leapt out, gliding at Hush rapidly.

Hush growled and roared out angrily, "I will not die! My dream will not die!"

"BATMAN!" roared out Batman as he flew at Hush, his cowl falling off as he threw his fist at Hush.

"PUNCH!" bellowed the Dark Knight as his fist slammed into Hush's fat ginger face. Black lightning surrounded the area from the impact of Batman's fist, creating a storm of epic destruction.

"Captain Batman!" screamed Robin helplessly. A pillar of black lightning arose from the area, only to shatter like glass. Hush looked at Batman with hatred, and then screamed as he exploded. Batman smiled at this accomplishment.

And then the planet blew up, ending this fanfiction chapter. Because believe me, this chapter was tiresome! I doubt you guys will like it. But I said I'd do a chapter of twenty-five memes, and I did it! Deal. With. It.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: …I do believe I have already given my authors notes a few seconds ago.<strong>


	26. Joker's Tzu

**The Banana Slug: Well, I was conflicted with having Joker being Heavy (despite looks) or as the Soldier.**

**After re-watching the Meet the Soldier trailer…the Joker is Soldier. All the friggin' way.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 26: Joker's Tzu**

* * *

><p>It was an everyday police raid, all of the GCPD storming into the abandoned amusement park the Joker always holds up in. With their semi-automatics ready and their tear gas prepared, they wandered across the compound ready for anything.<p>

That anything apparently did not include rockets. One by one, each SWAT officer was blown up into itty bitty tiny meaty bloody pieces by an RPG rocket.

"Where's it comin' from!" yelled one SWAT before being blown up.

"It has to be the Joker!" screamed another, then blowing up.

"I want my grandma!" sobbed another…then blowing up. From the rollercoaster, high in the sky, was the Joker. He stood on the railings of the wooden ride with an RPG launcher in hand.

"Victory!" giggled the Joker to himself.

**Meet the Joker**

This was a flashback of some sort, as the Joker was reminiscing this as he stood in the stage of an amphitheater, holding his pistol with a twirl in his fingers. The theatre was filled with figures, watching the Joker as he walked around happily.

"If fighting is a sure way of victory, then you must FIGHT!" said the Joker proudly as he gave a speech, "…Sun Tzu said that! Yes he did!"

He then jumped over to an audience member and pressed his finger against his noggin' over and over again as he said to him, "And I do believe he knows a little bit more about fighting than **you** do, bucko!"

"Because he invented it!" he shouted as he jumped back on stage, he quickly turned around and yelled out, "And then he perfected it! So no worthless freak in a bat-suit could best him in the ring of honor!"

The Joker began reminiscing the past again, where he was laughing wildly as he rode down on a roller coaster cart as it zoomed down the steep drop, he stood and grinned as he shoot different SWAT officers with his pistol.

He quickly jumped off when he got within landing distance and ran through the park as he shoot wildly at any enemy. He noticed one officer pointing a sniper rifle right at the Joker.

The Joker laughed and yelled out, "MAGGOT!" as he threw a grenade full of Joker Venom at the man, causing him to drop the gun and laugh uncontrollably, falling off the structure he was on and breaking his spine. Not that the Joker would call that breaking his spine.

As he ran, Harley and the rest of the Joker gang showed up with shotguns and lead pipes, ready to back up their boss.

"Give 'em hell boys!" roared the Joker, laughing insanely as he and his men began shooting wildly at the GCPD, who were holed up in the amusement park bumper cars building.

Joker finished reminiscing and turned to his audience, holding two grenades in his hand as he continued with his one-man show.

"Then he used his fight money to buy animals! Two of every one on Earth!" bellowed the Joker, waving his grenades around happily, "And then…he put 'em onna boat!"

"Then he proceeded to beat the **crap** outta every! Single! One!" he growled with an insane grin as he bashed the two grenades together aggressively.

Another flashback into his memories occurred as he smashed the grenades together, remembering his raid and final strike against the GCPD's holdout.

As the officers shot from the roofs, the Joker grabbed a dead gang member's RPG launcher and ran at the building with a wild grin. He pulled from his pocket a deflated whoopee cushion with a button on the flap at the side.

He quickly pushed the button and threw it on the ground, which it inflated in great size on the ground, about as big as my mattress. I know you can't see my mattress, but its green, medium-sized, and has two pillows and a long tan comfy blanket.

Joker jumped and landed on the cushion, creating a loud fart noise as he was sent up the air from the trampoline-like whoopee.

As he fell with style, he was over the skylight of the bumper cars, where Gordon and his me were holding out. Gordon was calling out on his radio, trying to get back-up as they were held up.

"Hey! You! Guys!" roared the Joker as he shot his RPG at the men. They looked up only to see the missile come straight for them and blow them away, most likely killing them.

As Joker landed, he noticed his RPG was out of ammo. As he inspected this, the Batman appeared out of nowhere behind the Joker. Batman raised his fist to knock out the Joker with one strong punch. However, the Joker grabbed a lead pipe from his belt and swung it wildly at Batman. He was hit n the face as blood spurted out his mouth and squirted out his nose, a tooth flying out his maw as he fell to the ground.

Joker laughed softly to himself as he remembered that last detail to the references. Joker then stood up straight and finished his speech quickly with, "And from that day forward! Anytime a bunch of animals are put together at one place…they call it…a TZU!"

He smiled and held out his arms after he said the punch line, not getting a laughter from his audience. Why would he, his audience was the dead corpses of the GCPD, all forced to sit there with blood oozing out there bodies.

One corpse fell off his chair and slid onto the floor, because he was dead.

* * *

><p><strong>Ivy and Harley Write A Porno<strong>

Poison Ivy was at her metal desk in her room filled with vines and flowers, looking at a blank document on her computer with a glare and her hands clasped together. Harley Quinn was on her bed, jumping up and down slightly as she watched Poison Ivy look at her computer.

"Sooooo!" released a slightly-hyper Harley, "What do we call it?"

"…What?" asked Poison Ivy quickly.

"The porno!" she called out, "You said we were gonna write a porno and sell it to make big bucks! …Why are we making a porno again?"

"Remember when we watched that porno last night?" asked Poison Ivy, Harley nodded quickly. Ivy continued with, "Well, you remember how HORRIBLE it was? No story at all, no delivery…and that Cloverfield monster looked like Barney the Dinosaur!"

"Yeah! And that's not the most disappointing part!" ranted Harley Quinn, "They didn't have sex with the monster! When I heard about that porn parody, I was like, "Oooh! They gonna do that monster from Cloverfield? That's hot!", but then, I saw no monster naughty-time and I was like, "Uh! There goes my fantasies! Not even those little bug things either!", I mean, really? Get with the picture! Monster sex! Hot! No monster sex! Not!"

Pamela Isley nodded her head slowly and asked, "How much Ritalin are you on on a daily basis?"

"Hey! …I have ADHD!" shouted back Harley.

"In other words, your parents spoiled you," added Poison Ivy. She then said to Harley, "Look, if we are going to make a porno, we are going to have to make a title, a plot, a cast, and we'll need to steal some money to get sets, props, and special effects."

"Yeah, and by the by, can Joker be a part of the movie?" asked Harley as she flopped on the bed.

"What? Why do you want your abusive boyfriend in our porno?" interrogated Poison Ivy in offense, "What could he possibly contribute to the production other than be an arrogant and abusive wacko?"

"Well, y'see, he could be an actor! He's got the right qualities!" chirped Harley, then saying with a loving tone, "Plus, in bed, he gots this huge…"

"No! No! Nonononono!" interrupted a disgusted Ivy, "Don't you give me the mental image of Joker's wang! I don't want it in my head! Keep it in YOUR thoughts! NOT! Mine! Okay? Okay. He can be in the movie, just because of his wang…but I'm not going to be in any of his scenes! Understood?"

"It's a'ight," said Harley with a shrug, she then asked, "Is Killer Croc gonna be in the movie?"

Poison Ivy darted her eyes nervously, then said loudly, "Uh…maybe not. Let's get back to the process."

"Yeah, like, what's gonna be in it!" added Harley happily, "All the juicy details!"

"Let's start with what will not be in them," said Ivy as she pulled out a list, "One: No Zoophilia, we'll get in SO MUCH TROUBLE if we try to sell that. Two: No high-production crap, this is a porno, not flippin' Avatar. Three: No underage stuff, again, so much trouble."

"Yeah, that's a good point," sighed Harley, "That kind of stuff is left for me and J."

Poison Ivy paused, choosing not to respond to that statement. "What we CAN have is these. One: Gay sex, of all kinds.""Yahoo!" shouted Harley with glee.

"Two: The choice of having a porn parody," continued Poison Ivy, "Three: TV-Movie level budget, and not like those crappy ones from the SyFy channel, I mean ones like from Disney Channel."

"What's the difference?" asked Harley Quinn, "They both are crappy."

"Okay, well, we'll do better," added an impatient Poison Ivy.

"How are we gonna…"

"Harley! Zip it!" snapped Poison Ivy. She then breathed heavily and asked, "And now, what is the story? The title? Is it a parody or something new?"

"Let's do a porn parody no one thought of!" announced an ecstatic Harley, "How 'bout…Dunston Checks In!"

"…No Zoophilia!" argued Poison Ivy, "Did I not say that?"

"Sorry, sorry, forgot about the whole monkey deal. I just wanted a hotel scenario," sighed Harley in disappointment, she really wanted to do a hotel scenario. She then added, "Okay, okay, how 'bout Eyes Wide Shut!"

"How the hell are we going to make a porno of…that?" replied Ivy angrily, "It's already borderline pornographic!"

"Jungle 2 Jungle?" asked Harley.

"No," sighed Poison Ivy.

"Gooby?" asked Harley.

"Pfft! Oh hell no!" groaned Poison Ivy, "Can you imagine having sex with a guy in a Gooby suit?"

"Ew, no. How 'bout Left Behind?" added Harley.

"Too confusing," sighed Poison Ivy.

"A Rule 63 version of Dumb & Dumber?" pointed out Harley, "You can be Dumb!"

"You mean Harry?" asked Poison Ivy, Harley nodded wildly. Ivy thought for a moment, then saying, "We'll put that on a maybe."

"Okay! Finding Nemo?" asked Harley Quinn.

She quickly darted around, facing Harley with a cold glare. "Are…you…kidding…me?"

Harley giggled nervously and scratched the back of her head, "Sorry! Sorry! Maybe we should do something **other** than movies!"

"Like what?" asked an annoyed Poison Ivy.

"Like…uh, one of those cheesy teen sitcoms?" added a thought-lost Harley Quinn.

Poison Ivy looked at her in surprise and worry, then asking a justifiably, "Why? Why would we do that?"

"Y'know, to crap all over them?" replied Harley with a smile. Poison Ivy looked at her with wide eyes, then replied with a wide smile.

"Harley…I…Love…Your style!" she said with glee. She turned back around and looked at her computer, she then said, "Let's not do some "Not Another" kind of porno! We choose **one** source material! One! Just one!"

"Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" yelled out Harley, jumping up and down, "iCarly!"

"iCarly?" replied Poison Ivy, then getting up and saying with gusto, "iCarly! Of course! It's perfect for us! Just perfect! Carly and Sam are two female friends! **We're** two female friends! It'll work!"

She then pounded her fingers on the keyboard, writing down, "This Is Not iCarly: The XXX Parody, directed and starring Pamela Isley and Harleen Quinzel."

"Do we really have to say that whole thing?" asked Harley curiously, leaning her head on Ivy's noggin, "It's so long."

"People will call it the iCarly porno," sighed an annoyed Poison Ivy, glaring in frustration, "It's just to make sure we won't be sued by Nickelodeon for making a porno of one of their works."

"Oh Ivy! This porn idea is gonna be amazin'!" giggled Harley as she hugged Ivy, letting out a happy sigh as Poison Ivy rolled her eyes, "…Just as long as I get to be Carly. You can be Sam."

"Huh?" grunted out Poison Ivy, "Why do I get to be Sam? You are the one with blonde hair!"

"Yeah, but I'm cute and bubbly like Carly," gave out Harley logically, "And you are sour and mean like Sam. Simple-E-That." Poison Ivy didn't answer, she just glared at the computer and began typing down part of the script.

TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

Through a whole ten minutes, the Joker, still in his amphitheater, was holding a corpse by the collar. Joker was crouching on the stage while he had lifted the corpse up from the audience.

Joker just continuously looked at the corpse dead in the eyes, not saying a word since this whole fanfic.

And then, suddenly, he said the final lines for this chapter…

"…Unless it's a farm!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yes, I will be revisiting Harley and Ivy's saga of making an iCarly porno.<strong>

**Second of which, I will be possibly making a "stoner road-trip saga" with said sexy villains, because, in my mind, those two are the "Harold and Kumar" of the supervillainess world.**

**Also, since this developed into its own little universe, by the next chapter, I will start making little character profiles for the characters at the bottom of the page. It will include names, history, descriptions, and even voice actors. The voice actor part is just for fun…maybe. :|**


	27. Freeze Is A Bad Host

**The Banana Slug: I have heard news of this Serbian Film…**

…**I am a fan of gross-out, shocker stuff…but just reading the summary of it on Wikipedia, I do not believe I will watch it. At all.**

**I can watch a graphic rape scene, but "newporn" is just too much, thank you.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 27: Freeze Is A Bad Host**

* * *

><p><strong>Batmobile Confessions III<strong>

Once again, Batman, Robin, and Batgirl were in his Batmobile as it sped across the highway of Gotham City. Another awkward silence has befallen the three, with Batgirl and Robin both in the backseat as Batman was driving really fast.

"Hey Batman!" called out Robin, "You ever watch My Little Pony?"

"…No…" growled Batman, "…I did once…and I turned into my Zur-En-Arrh state because of its cuteness."

"Azumangah Daioh?" pointed out Batgirl.

"Azumangah Daioh is way, way, way, way, WAY different, Cassandra!" yelled Batman, "Excuse me if I am not a Brony like Robin…OR a Justin Bieber fan!"

"I am not!" argued Robin with a blush.

"Right," scoffed Batgirl.

"Well, I think Baby is kinda catchy," admitted Robin.

"No, Lady Gaga is kinda catchy," revealed Batman in a grumpy mood, "She actually makes a few good songs, like Pokerface and Born This Way! But Justin has NO talent! And I hate Baby! Baby is so goddamn annoying that it makes me puke!"

"That's your opinion!" yelled Robin.

"Oh, I thought I hired a boy as Robin, not a tween girl!" scoffed Batman. Batgirl laughed at his remark. "The sad part is that Batgirl is more butch than you!" teased Batman harshly.

"Yeah…well, you were turned into a Mary Sue in JLA: Act of God!" retorted Robin.

"…Being better than everyone else makes you a Mary Sue?" asked an arrogant Batman.

"Kinda, yeah," said Batgirl.

"…It's a good thing that whole story wasn't canon, eh?" replied Batman calmly.

"It seems I have won this battle!" laughed Robin proudly.

"Well then, how 'bout I send you to the Joker as a reward?" threatened Batman, then looking at him with an evil glare and growled out, "Would you like to be like Jason Todd?"

"…I'll shut up," whimpered a defeated Robin.

"Thanks, Little Tammy," chuckled Batman. Batgirl finished that with, "Boosh."

The awkward silence returned, with Robin slouching against the door. Batman looked over and said, "Oh, don't go all whiney emo-mopey on me. You know I wouldn't send you to the Joker to be beaten by a crowbar and blown up…oh god…"

For a long while, Batman was frozen in regret, still driving in top speed as he remembered the trauma that was Jason Todd's death.

"You…wanna talk abouty something else?" asked Robin.

"Good idea," grumbled a frustrated Batman.

"So…uh, ever watch…Adventure Time?" asked Robin curiously.

"Meh, sometimes, but not interested enough to make me a fan," replied Batman, "Too much quirk and cheer for my dark brooding soul. It's like watching one of those hipster feel-good movies like **Juno** or **Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist**…except for kids."

"It's got some dark episodes," pointed out Robin.

"Holly Jolly Secrets," added Batgirl.

"Yeah, but it is suffocated by quirkiness of it all…don't say I never watched more than **one** episode, I've seen a decent amount to the point I do know what Batgirl is pointing out, which I enjoyed, so I do know all about it," informed Batman with a sneer, "…But Regular Show gets on my nerves sometimes."

"What?" scoffed Batgirl.

"If you guys acted like those two guys, you'd be dead within a month!" replied Batman."No, it's just because you are just like Benson!" argued Robin.

"No fun!" scolded Batgirl, pointing at Batman.

"No fun?" growled Batman angrily.

"Yeah! You are always like, _**get back to work**_, or _**stop slackin' around**_, or _**don't bother me Robin, I have a headache**_!" added a smug Robin. Suddenly, he noticed Batman driving fast, not looking at the two as he sped across the highway. Batman crashed through a sign that said, "Road Closed".

"Uh…Batman?" let out a frightened Batgirl.

"We…we were just joking," whimpered Robin, "So, let's just slow down because we are about to FALL OFF THE ROAD! OH MY GOD!"

Batgirl and Robin screamed as the Batmobile drove off a ramp near a gap in the bridge. The car flew in the air over the half a mile long gap, engines in full turbo. Due to the engines and Batman's aura of epicness, they landed on the other side and Batman continued to drive as the two sidekicks were frightened as hell.

"Bwah hah haaah!" laughed the Batman.

"Asshole!" screamed Batgirl.

"That was scary!" cried Robin.

"Yeah…but it was fun, huh?" laughed Batman, his lip quivering with joy.

"Okay…that was a **bit** cool," admitted Robin bashfully.

"Skips," pointed out Batgirl.

"Yeah, you're Skips!" laughed Robin as he pointed at Batman.

"That suits me well, actually," admitted Batman, "He's badass…Alfred can be Benson."

"But who's Muscle Man?" asked Batgirl curiously.

"Red Hood," blurted out Robin with hate.

"Wha?" scoffed Batman as he stopped in front of a red light, which was strange, "Why would Jason Todd be Muscle Man? That's too weird."

And without noticing, Red Hood, Red Arrow, and Starfire were standing on the sidewalk next to the Batmobile. Red Hood leaned over and knocked on the glass, Batman looked over in surprise and rolled down the window for Jason.

"Y'know who else is like Muscle Man? MY MOM!" referenced Jason Todd, then he, Roy, and Koriand'r began laughing out loud, high-fiving Red Arrow with pride and slapping Starfire's rear…this was their own way of high-five, it's a Tamaranian thing. Batman grumbled as he drove off, speeding past the red light in character and nearly causing an accident.

"Damn reboot," grumbled Batman angrily. He then turned to the two and said, "If you want to have a good discussion of those new cartoons, ask the Joker. He loves Adventure Time. And Regular Show."

"Really?" asked Robin, "How did you know that?"

"Go Karting with Bowser?" asked Batgirl.

"That's it, I'm blocking TV Tropes from the Bat-Computer," grumbled Batman angrily, Batgirl hung her head with sadness.

* * *

><p><strong>Riddler and the Freeze<strong>

Riddler was running across the alleyways, hiding from the search blimps as his lungs felt as they were about to explode. He looked around with a sweat and spotted his salvation, an "abandoned" ice cream factory.

Edward ran to the factory as he flailed around, slamming against the door and banging his fists wildly on the steel door.

"Freeze! Freeze! Open the door!" he screamed out, "Please! Open the door!" The doors slide up and revealed Mr. Freeze glaring down at the Riddler.

"What is it, Nygma?" growled Victor in anger.

"Freeze!" panted out Riddler as he rested his hand on the cryogenics expert's mechanical chest, "I need your help! I'm being chased by the GCPD…and maybe Batman! I wouldn't be going to you, but Scarecrow and Poison Ivy are in Arkham, Two-Face and Black Mask hate my guts, Penguin is in Okamicoon, and Joker and Harley are having their anniversary and…well…you do see the problem, yes?"

Mr. Freeze still looked down at Riddler with a scowl. He then says threateningly, "Get in here, but tomorrow, you are going to Joker's."

"Thanks," panted Riddler as he was led inside, "Last time I interrupted they wanted me to join in with him, Harley, and their two hyenas in…"

"That's…enough," groaned Mr. Freeze in annoyance as they walked into his laboratory, "Now, are you hungry?"

"Quite!" added Riddler as he sat down on a laboratory chair, Mr. Freeze walking to another part of his laboratory. Riddler soon began shivering wildly from the cold, holding his arms together as his teeth chattered.

Mr. Freeze walked out as he wheeled in his comatose wife, who was in her freeze pod as she slept in deep sleep, in her rubber underwear and a air mask over her mouth…rubber underwear, oh god. Mr. Freeze, you dog.

"Can you keep my wife company as I get us some dinner?" asked Mr. Freeze as he placed her next to Riddler.

Riddler gulped as he looked over at Nora as she floated in the bubbling teal liquid, sleeping and floating in her rubber underwear.

"Uh, yeah…" he let out. Mr. Freeze then left with a nod and opened freezer door, rummaging around in there as Riddler and Nora was left alone.

"So…how's things?" asked Riddler to Nora. She did not respond, floating around in her rubber underwear. He twiddled his thumbs and tried to keep his eyes from her rubber underwear…I did mention that she has rubber underwear, right?

Mr. Freeze walked back over there with three different cups in his hands, walking over and sitting next to Nora. With her tube between Riddler and Freeze, with the man in the cryogenic suit giving Riddler one, one for himself, and setting one on a flat surface protruding from the cryogenic stasis tube.

"So, Nora, tell him the joke you told me," said Mr. Freeze. Riddler looked around as she said nothing while Freeze nodded. Suddenly, he released a booming laughter that was so out of nowhere it spooked Riddler.

"Ho ho! Nora, you saucy girl!" laughed Mr. Freeze, then taking a sip of his drink through some breathing/drinking apparatus…it's complicated. Riddler did the same, only to pull his mouth back from the cold, cold drink.

"What is this!" blurted out Riddler.

"Butterfingers Milkshake," answered Mr. Freeze, then pausing before he let out a chuckle, "Now, now Nora. Be nice."

"What did she say?" asked Riddler with offense.

"Oh, it's nothing, just an assessment of your sexuality, how's your milkshake?" replied Mr. Freeze with a smirk. Riddler looked down at his milky-shakey and grimaced.

"I…I don't think I am in the mood for cold milkshakes," sighed Riddler, then asking, "Do you have any hot cocoa?"

"Are you trying to kill me?" growled out Mr. Freeze in offense. Riddler would reply, but chose not too, looking down with grimace.

"So, what did you two do when I was gone," asked Mr. Freeze, Riddler was about to answer, but Mr. Freeze got up and angrily looked at Riddler for no reason, "You son of a bitch!"

Freeze then grabbed Riddler and shoved him against the wall, much to Riddler's fright. "Wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-what!" he screamed out.

"Nora said you were pressing your "cold hard nips" against the glass! Making kissy faces at her sensually!" screamed Mr. Freeze, "I will not let you steal my lovely girl! I'll freeze your ass!"

"No! Please!" shouted a terrified Riddler, "She's lying! I…"

"How dare you say my lovely Nora is a liar!" he roared angrily, "I will end you! Do you…what? Nora, can you…say that again?"

Riddler looked as Mr. Freeze was looking at Nora, who was still asleep…in her rubber underwear.

"…Really? …I don't know, I…" rambled Mr. Freeze, "…I'm not sure that I am comfortable with this…well, maybe just this once…"

"Wuh…what is she saying?" let out Riddler, shivering wildly.

"She would like you to fondle yourself in front of her as you make kissy faces to her," replied Mr. Freeze much to Riddler's horror, "She has a very wild and adventurous streak, ever since I knew her in college. Very experimental."

"…No!" yelled Riddler angrily, "Now, let me go! I can't stand you two!" Mr. Freeze shrugged and simply dropped Riddler onto the cold floor. Riddler quickly got up and walked away from the two, making his way to the door.

"It's not all that bad, it's just…" Mr. Freeze stopped and was listening to Nora Fries, "…I should've never shown you **Goosh Goosh**!"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" roared the Riddler as he spun around to face the two, "I am not listening to anymore of this! I will take my chances with the Joker!"

As Riddler exited the factory, Mr. Freeze called out, "Don't be angry! My wife was just curious! I wouldn't have killed you! Don't unfriend me on Facebook!"

He sighed when the cold sound of the door slamming was heard, slouching in misery as he was left alone with his wife again. He looked over, pausing for a while, then chuckling as he said, "Oh, Nora, you fox, you!"

**LATER, IN THE JOKER'S HIDEOUT**

Riddler followed the Joker as they walked down the funhouse complex, Riddler looking around nervously as Joker swaggered like a boss.

"Thanks for letting me stay, Joker," sighed the Riddler with a sweat.

"No problem!" laughed the Joker as the two walked to the doors to his bedroom, "Anything for one of my homies from Arkham…you do know that today is me and Harls Anniversary, correct?"

"I understand, Joker," said Riddler with a violent nod and a deep frown, "I would rather be here than with Mr. Freeze and his wife, really…"

Joker looked at him with a frown as he rested his hand against the door. "Oh…how sad."

"Uh, why?" asked a confused Riddler. The Joker smiled as he pushed the doors open, revealing Harley in bed wearing a red nightgown, the two hyenas eating the corpse of Kal-AOL, and Mr. Freeze with Nora Fries' freeze-tube in hand as he stood near the bed.

"Nora really wants that **Goosh Goosh**," explained Mr. Freeze bashfully.

As Riddler stood there in despair and shock, Joker laughed as he walked over and said, "Look here, Freeze, if anyone is going to be doing the **Goosh Gooshing**, it is going to be me!" He then turned to Riddler and said, "Now, spread 'em!"

Riddler released an ear-splitting scream as he pressed his hands on his face, wide-eyed and looking like some racist anime chick. He screamed as he jumped out the window and ran away from the amusement park, screaming in terror as police cruisers were quick to follow the high-speed pursuit.

Joker looked out of the window with disappointment, shaking his head as he clicked his tongue. "Sorry, Freeze, we can't always get what you want…"

"Oh, I understand…I know, honey, I know…" sighed Mr. Freeze, petting his wife's stasis tube as he walked away with it, he then said with a smirk, "…You're right, there's always the 50th chapter."

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I do believe I will make the next couple of chapters an arc of some sort, probably a three to four parter, possibly five. We'll see.<strong>

**And now! We have! BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Batman AKA Bruce Wayne

**Voice Actor: **Steven Blum (I'm...so surprised that he hasn't been picked up for Batman...)

**Description: **Batman wears the same Batsuit in every incarnation, with the grey kevlar armor and the black underwear. The yellow belt, the black spiked gauntlets and black combat boots. His long black spiked cape, connected to the bat-cowl. Also his black bat-symbol on his chest. So far, nothing new. Cool suit, muscular physique, and Bruce Cambell jaw.

**Likes:** Rock (Contrary to popular belief), Spaghetti, Anything named after him (i.e. Batarangs, Batclaw, Bat-cakes, Batcakes, etc.)

**Dislikes:** Bees, The Joker, Hush, Crime, Being reminded of past mistakes, Cute shows


	28. Sleepaway Idol I

**The Banana Slug: …Okay, I just watched that Will Ferrell "Land of the Lost" movie…**

**You do know that Will is technically frenching his character's "daughter" and left his "son" in a world of horny Sleeztaks and a Ferrell-crapping T-Rex.**

…**Even I can't do crack that bad.**

**SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES: Haruhi Suzumiya from **_**The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya**_**, Superman from **_**Superman**_**, and John Constantine from **_**Hellblazer**_**.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 28: Sleepaway Idol I**

**AKA Drop Dead Gorgeous II**

* * *

><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy walked down the street sidewalks as they ate their ice cream while they held hands happily. Licking happily with large smiles on their beautiful faces.

"Thanks for the ice cream, Ivy!" giggled Harley, "Joker's been a little busy lately."

"Yeah, well, he's a dick," sighed Poison Ivy with a shrug, then saying, "Maybe later we can go get us some coffee."

"Oooh! Me and Joker get coffee all the time!" pointed out an overly-happy Harley.

"Did you need to point that out?" growled an annoyed Poison Ivy.

"Oh, you sound just like Mr. J when I point out things!" giggled Harley.

Poison Ivy breathed in and almost yelled, "Harley! Shut the…"

Suddenly, from the alleyway jumped a figure in a large coat as it opened up and flashed the two evil women. They both let out an ear-piercing scream as the figure quickly closed the coat and ran away in a devilish speed.

"…Who the hell was that?" whimpered a frightened Harley Quinn as she and Poison Ivy hugged each other in terror.

* * *

><p><strong>Two Weeks Later<strong>

Harley Quinn was woken up by the Joker as he busted in and began clanging pots and pans together, slamming them together next to Harley's head as she looked at him in fright.

"Harley! Wake up!" yelled the Joker, dropping the pans on the floor as the pet hyenas whimper in and climb on Harley's bed.

"Mistah J, I was having a nice dream about you and me," moaned Harley Quinn, "We were married, we had a kid…"

"And I was the President! Enough with the goddamn day-dreaming!" announced the Joker with a triumphant pose, "We are going on…Gotham Idol!"

"Gotham Idol?" let out a confused Harley, she then realized what Joker was talking about and released an ecstatic, "Gotham Idol!"

"Hell yes!" announced the Joker, "Y'see, me, Ivy, Scarecrow, and Black Mask have devised a plan! We are going on Gotham Idol, and the one who wins will spend it on a missile that will BLOW UP BATMAN when he uses his Batwing! It! Can! Work!"

"Oh Mistah J!" giggled Harley happily, "You knew I always wanted to be in the singin' biz! Oh! I love you!"

She jumped up and wrapped her limbs around Joker as she kissed his cheek rapidly like a woodpecker, Joker growling as he stood there angrily.

"Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you!" she yelled out happily.

"Harley! Harley! Knock it off!" yelled Joker as he pushed her off onto the bed next to the hyenas.

"Sorry Puddin'!" she giggled, "I'm just so happy!"

"I know, I know," chuckled Joker lovingly, "But remember, make sure you don't say anything about our tiny little secret!"

"Okey-dokey!" said Harley with a violent nod.

"Now, get dressed Harley," advised Joker as he walked out of the room, cracking his neck as he stretches widely. Harley sighed and looked around as she got dressed, but I won't describe the whole thing for it would reveal too much.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Batman and Robin were in the Batmobile as it drove down the road, crashing through a few trashcans…and Prometheus.<p>

"So, you know what you gonna do?" asked Batman.

"Yeah! Yeah!" yelled an ecstatic Robin, jumping up and down wildly, "I can do it! I can do it! I'mma be an Idol! I'mma be an Idol! …By the by, why isn't Cassandra with us?"

"Because Cassandra can't carry a damn tune," replied Batman as he rammed the Batmobile at a car, sending it flying into the sky as he parked it. The two walked out of their car and looked at the large stadium of hopes and dreams.

"Now look, don't go all teenage angst if you lose," growled Batman, "If you lose, then it meant that it never meant to be. Tough titty."

"Yeah, yeah," grumbled out Robin as the two walked into the building, seeing almost all of Gotham inside. Batman, upon seeing such a competition, yelled out, "Ah! Dammit!"

As he stood there, grumbling and shaking his fists as Robin jumped around like an idiot, a tween girl walked by and noticed Batman. She giggled and got to him with an annoying grin.

"Are you Christian Bale?" she asked.

"No, I'm Batman," growled Batman, "And if you call me that again, I will chop you up with an axe as I dance around while I wear my trench coat!"

"Wait, you Batman!" gasped the tween abomination, putting her hands on her precious little cheeks the whore, "Is there a bomb in the building?"

Batman gave her a cold glare, then said, "…Yes." With that, everyone screamed and ran out of the whole building, with Batman and Robin walking down the empty place as the Dark Knight chuckled to himself.

"Looks like we…" he stopped and saw most of the Batman characters already in-line, causing Batman to scowl unhappily as Bane was in front of him.

Bane turned around and said, "We all know your lies…except for one teeny-tiny…"

"Bane, you can't sleep without that stupid teddy bear in hand," revealed Batman angrily.

"He's not stupid!" yelled Bane, then pulling out a stitched-up teddy bear and hugging it, "Osito and I are the bestest best friends in the world! Our friendship is eternal, puta."

Batman rolled his eyes as he and Robin waited in line for a shot at the big leagues. Without noticing, Batman noticed Catwoman walk up and tap on the Bat's shoulder. He spun around and asked, "Hush?" He looked to see Catwoman, looking up at him with a cool smile.

"Oh, hi Selina," replied Batman indifferently.

"You okay, hon?" she asked as she patted his back."Uh, yeah…yeah, just didn't expect you to be here," let out Batman, then remarking, "Although, I did remember you saying you were a huge Ryan Seacrest fan for some odd reason."

"What? No, this isn't American Idol, sweetheart," corrected Catwoman, "This is Gotham Idol. Gotham Idol. There's a difference."

As Batman pondered the difference, Robin called out, "I thought it was Sleepaway Idol."

"No, dear, that's the name of the chapter, this is Gotham Idol," corrected Catwoman again, "It's…difficult to explain, I know."

"Wait!" yelled out Batman, "What's the difference?"

* * *

><p><strong>Contestant #1<strong>

Meanwhile, in another room, there was Haruhi Suzumiya, Superman, and John Constantine all sitting at a long table as they drank their sponsored drinks so they could get paid. Haruhi was looking around with a great smile, Superman sat there twiddling his fingers, and John Constantine slouched with hate.

"So…how'd they get you in this American Idol rip-off?" Haruhi asked Superman as she sipped her Diet Double Dew.

"Oh, well, they asked, and I said yes," replied Superman, "And you?"

"Meh, the author is doing it to appease a better author," sighed Haruhi, then looking over at John and asking him, "What about you?"

"Not. Really. Sure," replied John Constantine with a sour note.

The doors open and out popped out was Scarecrow, walking in with a blank face. Haruhi looked at her chart and read it as she said, "Okay, Scarecrow, what will you be singing for us?"

"Peppers by Butthole Surfers," replied Scarecrow with a shrug.

"Okey-Dokey," replied Superman, "You got one minute, go."

Scarecrow nodded and sang the first lyrics as he stood there motionless, standing there like a cigar store Indian, not budging as he said the first lyrics with a monotone singing voice.

"I don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows," continued Scarecrow as he lifted his arms up like a cross, "I can taste you on my lips, and smell you in my clothes. Cinnamon and sugary, and softly spoken lies. You never know just how to look through other peoples eyes…"

"Stop, that's good," called out Superman, then saying, "It may not be a part of the whole tone of the show, but what the hay, that was amazing singing."

"I love Butthole Surfers!" added Haruhi out loud, "And I love that song! And since you did it perfectly, that I say you are in the next round!"

"Yeah, but the monotone can get grating, and it doesn't show he could do anything OTHER than monotone, that's just what I am worried about," criticized Constantine as Superman and Haruhi were annoyed by his criticism, "But since these two love your singing, what the hell, eh?"

Scarecrow nodded and simply left the room, staring at them all as he exited the room, all three judges looking at each other in confusion.

**Contestant #7**

They all watched in annoyance as the Mad Hatter stood before them, twirling around as he sung with a cracked voice and spilling his tea everywhere.

"Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle BAT! How I wonder what YOU'RE at!" he** sang **out, "UP above the WORLD so HIGH! Like A tea tray in THE sky! TWINKLE! Twinkle, Twinkle…"

"Stop!" roared Haruhi angrily, "He's murdering the time!"

"I'll chop off his head," replied Superman as he got up, but Mad Hatter squealed and ran out of there, with all three laughing at his fear, especially Superman…that dick.

**Contestant #13**

The judges stared in shock as they heard Joker's performance, it wasn't terrible. Oh no! He knew how to sing, it's just that…well, take a look.

"You got a pussy! I have a dick-ah! So what's the problem? Let's do it quick!" sang out the Joker as he thrusted his hips suggestively as he pumped his fists back and forth, "So take me now before it's too late! Life's too short so I can't wait! So take me now oh don't you see? I can't get laid in Gotham City!"

"Okay, okay," called out Constantine, trying to stop the Joker. He sighed and said, "That was lewd, crude…and amazing, you are in."

"Even though that song is…incredibly inappropriate," groaned Superman, then admitting bashfully, "But you do have talent."

"Oh yeah, he sure does have talent," breathed out Haruhi as she stared at the Joker with lust in her eyes. Joker gave that back with a wink and a point. The two judges looked at Haruhi, then Constantine sighing and saying, "Apparently this is also Sex Idol."

"Hey! Ever since I watched the Dark Knight I wanted to screw the Joker, and I did it! And I will not have you ruin my dreams!" yelled Haruhi angrily.

"Wait…" realized the oblivious Superman, "Does that mean?"

"On a table, pants 'round my ankles, smokin' a cigar," finished the Joker as he laughed softly, with Haruhi replying with such.

Superman looked around, then saying, "I don't get it."

**Contestant #31**

Two-Face stood there as he had the scotch glass in his hand, staring into the distance and lightly bobbing his head. The three judges sat there, waiting for any sign of singing as he just stared into the distance.

"…Well? We're waiting!" hissed out Haruhi as she swung her arms up.

For a while, he was silent. But then, he spoke out, "Tequila." They all slapped their foreheads in annoyance, as we all know what he is singing…right. Because I…made it kinda obvious.

**Contestant #49**

"CRAWLIN' IN MA SKEEUN!" screamed Red Hood as he pressed the microphone against his mask, "DES WOOOUNDS DEY WHEEL NAWT HEAAAL!"

"Stop! Stop! Stop!" yelled out Superman, his ears bleeding, "That was horrid! Dreadful! Abysmal!"

"My job, blue-boy," grumbled Constantine.

"And second, are you drunk?" called out Haruhi.

"A little," admitted Red Hood.

"Get out," simply ordered Superman, pointing at the door.

**Contestant #52**

"Tell me why! I'm stuck as a virgin with rage! Tell me why! I so need a cute girl my age!" sang Professor Pyg as he swayed his hips around suggestively in front of the disturbed judges.

"Tell me why! I never wanna hear you say!" continued to spew Professor Pyg as he let his apron fall on the floor, "I! Have! A! Boyfriend!"

"No," replied Haruhi with a dark face, "…No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! No! NO! Get away from my sight! The yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it!"

Professor Pyg oinked out of there with fear as Haruhi sat back down with a disappointed sigh. "Boy, does Grant Morrison think of some wacky crap..."

Then, Simon Hurt walked in, only to be yelled at by Haruhi and forced to leave. Apparently, she has had her fill of Grant Morrison.

**Contestant #57**

"If you feeeeel like leavin'! I'm not gonna beg you to stay!" sang Bane like a master of the Spanish arts, "Sooooon you'll be findin'! You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love! You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love!"

Superman and Constantine both nodded, looking at each other with reassurance. "I do believe we have found our next Gabriel Iglesias," said Superman with a great dumb smirk.

"That's Enrique Iglesias, but I agree that Bane is one hell of a singer," laughed a proud Constantine, then asking Haruhi, "What do you think?"

She was in a state of daze, her clothing was jumbled up a bit, and she sported a dumb grin and was covered in sweat. With a deep breath, she gave him a thumbs up. Superman rolled his eyes, but Constantine was incredibly jealous.

"Well, are you happy that you are going to the next round, Bane?" asked Superman with a smile.

"OH MY GAWD! YES!" exclaimed Bane with a high feminine voice, then laughing out loud as he ran out of there. Apparently Superman was right the whole time.

As Haruhi straightened herself up, John Constantine looked at the chart as Superman was dumbfounded by Bane's ability to sport a woman's voice.

"Okay, we got Batman in as Contestant #58," read out John Constantine, which perked Superman's interest.

"Batman? Oh boy! Get ready for a show!" chuckled Superman happily. Haruhi looked at him and smiled suggestively, Superman replied with an unamused glare.

The Batman walked into the room, slightly nervous but was determined. He then saw Superman and all that nervousness ran away as he yelled out, "Hey! What's happenin', my man?"

"Nothin' much, bro-ham!" laughed Superman, and Haruhi and Constantine were both shocked at this act of ghettoness. Superman laughed and said, "Okay, Batman, what's your song?"

"White Men in Black Suits by Everclear," replied Batman calmly.

"Huh…I was expecting Lightning Crashes," admitted Haruhi.

"No, that one just reminds me of a…well, I don't wanna say," sighed Batman in annoyance.

"Computer wouldn't download it?" questioned Constantine empathetically.

"Yeah-huh," groaned Batman shamefully.

"Okay, let's hear this voice that Superman says is so majestic," added Haruhi with a smile.

"The bat-voice," added Superman happily.

"No bat-puns!" ordered Haruhi angrily, then ordering loudly, "Sing!" Batman nodded and breathed in, then breathed out.

"…I am just a boy working in a record store, yes I moved to San Francisco, just to see what I could be," sang out Batman in a sexy baritone that you obviously cannot hear but just pretend he does, "I am a loser geek, crazy with an evil streak, yes I do believe there is a violent thing inside of me."

They listened as he sang, Haruhi and John both stunned while Superman sat there happily. "She is just a girl, she is doing what she can. She dances topless. When she's not playing in her band. Such a pretty girl in an ugly place, watching all the pretty people, doing lots of ugly things."

He then got to an emotional point as he closed his eyes. "I think it's getting better for the two of us. Yes I think it's getting better almost every day. I could give a damn what those people say."

"Okay, that's good," breathed out Haruhi, "I was expecting something dark and brooding…but boy, I was shocked and surprised. Brava!"

"Told ya," sighed a smug Superman.

"It rivals mine, really," admitted Constantine, "And so, with all of our blessing, welcome to the next round."

"Hell to the bat-friggin' yeah!" bellowed Batman as he punched the air, then running out as he shouted happily.

After he left, Robin walked in happily. He then said, "Hi! I'm Robin, and I am going to perform Baby by Justin Bieber!"

"Get. Out," hissed out Superman as he dug his fingernails into the wood, his eyes glowing red with hate. Robin backed away slowly, then ran for his life.

Haruhi and John looked at Superman with shock, the Man of Steel breathed slowly and said, "Sorry…I just…really don't like Justin Bieber."

"Can I…ask why?" let out Haruhi.

"Because…his voice is made of Kryptonite," admitted Superman hatefully.

* * *

><p>Professor Pyg walked down the halls sadly as he carried his backpack, apparently they didn't like his song…even though he isn't a virgin. It's best you don't ask how he lost it, it's horrid and disgusting.<p>

Suddenly, from one of the doors popped out Constantine as he yelled to Pyg, "Hey! Fatty! Get me a sammich and I'll try to put in a good word." Professor Pyg looked at him with hope, then nodding his head violently as he ran across the halls. He got to the kitchen where a large pot of boiling water was at, and the bread at the top of the shelf. This doesn't bode well.

He grabbed a chair and placed it in front of the pot, getting up and reaching out for bread. Suddenly, someone grabbed the chair and tugged it back, causing Pyg to grab the shelf for dear life.

"No! What you do?" moaned Professor Pyg, "Why do this? We are friends! Friends!" Suddenly, the chair was yanked away as Pyg fell on the pan of boiling water as it fell on him on the floor.

He laid on the floor, screaming in pain as blisters and boils appear on his body, puffing up slightly once in a while. He would scream and roar in pain as he laid on the floor, reaching out with his burnt hands as he continued to scream.

He screamed and screamed and screamed, with no chance of pulling away from this scene for quite some time. Suddenly, Haruhi and Superman walk into the kitchen as they talk to each other and pay no attention to the Pyg on the floor.

"So, how did you know that Batman was such a good singer?" asked Haruhi as she grabbed a cup of coffee.

"Well, we both once toured the country singing Superman by Five For Fighting," explained Superman, "It was for charity for orphans and all."

"How nice," admitted Haruhi, they both then looked over at Pyg, still screaming loudly as they stared at him and drank their coffee together…not doing a damn thing.

"…I think we should call someone," finally spoke Haruhi.

"…Yeah…sure," sighed Superman with a shrug.

* * *

><p>Later, the paramedics dragged Professor Pyg across the ground to the ambulance as Batman and Gordon watched. "Huh, I know Professor Pyg…I remember him being a real good cook," admitted Gordon, "He'd never mess up in the kitchen…no matter how crazed and deranged the guy."<p>

"Well, I'd investigate further…but I have an Idol to win," said Batman, "But lemme tell you something…if this is a Sleepaway Idol parody…then that means Harley Quinn is the prime subject."

They both looked to see Harley Quinn in the crowd, looking at the Pyg emotionlessly without a thought in her head, with Scarecrow standing next to her with a large grin. Batman glared at her, knowing her secret now.

"So…Harley's a dude?" asked Gordon with disgust. Batman pressed his hand against his forehead from the remark.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Thank you time! I'd like to thank "Bren Tenkage" for giving me the idea for the American Idol spoof. Sure, it may not be what he was expecting, but like I said, give me ideas and I may spin it to make it work.<strong>

**And now, it's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> The Joker

**Voice Actor:** Patton Oswalt (I like his voice, and even if you try to argue, I can totally see it.)

**Description:** He is skinny, tall, and lanky. He has pale white skin, yellow sclera with red pupils/irises, and short green spiky anime hair. He has a long nose, a wide grin full of yellow teeth, and a long neck. He wears a dirty purple coat, long purple pinstripe jeans, green vest covering a purple shirt, a large green bowtie, and black spats. His outfit is generally messy and unkempt, cleaned once every week and worn everyday. He also wears make-up, which is his large amount of black eye-makeup and red lipstick creating a Glasgow smile. Overall, he's like an even eviler Jack Sparrow.

**Likes:** Murder, Mayhem, Killing people in hilarious ways, Jokes of morbid taste, Naughty things, Harley Quinn, Batman (A Lot), Cookies and Chocolate Cake

**Dislikes:** People explaining the joke, Harley Quinn talking, Sanity, Lack of Humor,


	29. Sleepaway Idol II

**The Banana Slug: …I couldn't believe the Green Lantern movie sucked! I just could not! I knew Green Lantern! Green Lantern rocks!**

**And so, getting HBO this , I decided to watch said Green Lantern…and…well…**

**It didn't suck…but it's bad, it's very bad. Why? Well, here are a few things.**

**1) They made Hector Hammond into a whiny little asshole that screams like a girl and is unendingly creepy. It's like they switched his personality with Black Hand's!**

**2) Speaking of personality, they seem to forget that Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner are two different people.**

**3) Sinestro just TAKES the Yellow Lantern Ring! No reason, really. No anger with the Guardians. No using fear as a weapon to begin with. Just to be sequel bait. (But like most of the world, Mark Strong played the role beautifully.)**

**4) Parallax diarrhea monster…'nuff said.**

**5) No character development with Hal and Sinestro! All that happens between the two is hate rant from Sinestro, Hal being a "good guy", and him saving his ass…that's it. No betrayal, no Training Day scenario, no friendship-esque turmoil, no development!**

**And 6) Amanda Waller is not thin, smokin', and played by Angela Basset. Amanda Waller is big, round, and not-jolly-at-all.**

**Wait, why am I discussing Green Lantern? THIS IS BATMAN, DAMMIT! Green Lantern has nothing to do with Batman!**

…

**SPECIAL CAMEO APPEARANCE: Green Lantern from **_**Green Lantern…Comics**_**.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 29: Sleepaway Idol II**

* * *

><p>Batman sat at his dressing room, putting on his cowl as Robin walked in with a box of chocolates and a huge smile on his face. "Yello! Batarooni!"<p>

"No, I am not going to put a good word for you," replied Batman, who was in turn replied with a box of chocolates thrown at the back of his head. This didn't faze him as he asked, "Did you check the kitchen for clues to Harley Quinn?"

"Yeah, no clues, honest engine," said Robin holding his hand up like a Boy Scout, "But why does it have to be Harley Quinn?"

"Because, think about it, Robin," explained Batman, "Traumatic past moment, secret Joker doesn't want her to reveal, AND Pyg's injury is JUST LIKE what happened to that pedophile chef from the movie."

"What movie?" asked Robin with his head slightly tilting.

"..Sleepaway Camp," scoffed out a shocked Batman, "…How could you not know Sleepaway Camp? It's a bat-friggin' classic!"

"Sorry," shrugged Robin with a half frown. Batman growled in response and threw a blank DVD at Robin's forehead, causing the boy to grumble out in pain.

"And don't come back till you watch it and RE-watch it!" ordered an angry Batman as Robin stumbled out, dizzy from the blow of Batman's DVD. He grumbled as he sat back in front of the mirror and powdered his nose softly.

Suddenly, Catwoman dropped down behind Batman, causing him to yell out in shock and slightly jump. Apparently, Selina is the only person who can sneak up on Batman.

"Hello, bat-hunk," purred Catwoman as she wrapped her arms around Batman.

"Oh, hi Cat…hunk," replied a nervous Batman, twiddling his fingers.

"…Is there a problem, hon?" asked Catwoman, obviously disturbed by Batman's nervousness.

"No, no, of course not," added Batman with a forced smile, "So, you got into the, uh, competition?"

"Yeah, it wasn't too hard," sighed Catwoman as she sat on the desk, with Batman clearing his throat and scratching his face, "Just a song from the heart…you?"

"Uh, me too," added Batman with a shrug, "I guess…" Then, we have a silent awkward moment between the two, both staring at each other slightly as they did not say a word.

"Well, uh, it's been a time and a day, I gotta…go," breathed out a bored Catwoman, then asking slighty, "Unless you…don't want me too…"

"…Uh, I think…I should be alone," grunted out a bashful Batman, "Well…I need to…practice my singing voice…alone…"

"…Yeah, yeah, okay," let out Catwoman, getting off the desk and walking to the open door, "Well, see ya…"

She then closed the door, which revealed the Joker, who was hiding behind said door as it was open. He gave a deep breath as he walked to Batman, who looked at the clown from the mirror as he powdered his cheeks. Batman stopped for a second…then returned to powder his cheeks.

"…You think she's been unfaithful, hm?" giggled the Joker.

"No! That is not the problem!" yelled the Batman angrily as he swung around to face the Joker, "What gave you that crap idea?"

"Well, the song, it said it all, I listen to Everclear as well…after sex to the tune of Rammstein," rambled the Joker, "It's obvious you think she is sleeping with every Dick, Tim, and Jason."

"No…that's way off," grumbled the Batman, "We have an open relationship, kind of like you and Harley Quinn…but I wonder if I truly matter to her and not as some sort of…outlet."

"…Like Robin?" added Joker amusingly. Batman gave him an angry glare, then grunting as he got up. Joker sighed in annoyance and said, "Okay, okay. Look, if you want my advice, which I will give regardless, talk to the cat-bitch. Talking always works…except for me, cause I'm too damn awesome for that sensitive malarkey."

Joker then left the room with a proud swagger, Batman rolled his eyes as he reached into his drawer, only to feel a slip of paper. He pulled it out to reveal a note written in pink with the I's dotted with little cute skulls, it read. "I am going to kill Robin!"

Batman slammed it on the table and growled out, "Harley…"

* * *

><p><strong>The Competition<strong>

In front of a roaring crowd of fourteen tens in the large Gotham stadium, at the main stage, floated a man known as Hal Jordan, also known as Green Lantern. He held a microphone as he smiled out loud.

"Yello, welcome to Gotham Idol!" announced Green Lantern to the cheering fans, "I am Green Lantern, and I will be the Ryan Seacrest stand-in for today!" The fans cheered even louder.

"But enough about glorious ol' me, let's say hello to our judges!" announced Green Lantern as he swayed his hand to the judge panel, "We have our own Little Japan in a fuku, Haruhi Suzumiya!"

When the crowd cheered, she got up and waved to her adoring fans with a wide smile, feeling the pride build up in her chest as her ego was filled to the max.

"As well as the Man of Steel himself, the Last Son of Krypton," introduced Green Lantern with pride, "Superman!"

Needless to say, the crowd went ape-shit with cheer and praise with Superman, who floated up and waved at all of them with both hands, the Superman theme even came from the speakers as red and blue sparkly streamers rained down on his presence. Haruhi sat at her chair, jealous and not amused.

"And, finally, I introduce you, John Constintine," finished Green Lantern with a swish of his hand.

The crow cheered just as loud with Haruhi, except dozens of women (and a few men) were throwing their underwear at John, who graciously put a select few of them in his coat pocket.

"And with that, I now introduce our twelve semi-finalists," announced Green Lantern, then saying with annoyance, "It would've been more, but one of our contestants drove them away with a bomb scare…and the rest couldn't sing…**And here they are**!"

From the spotlight, showed the twelve contestants lined up in a row, which Green Lantern will now introduce after I finish this sentence.

"They are…" introduced Green Lantern, giving a slight dramatic pause, "Penguin! Joker! Bane! Catwoman! Black Mask! Riddler! Harley Quinn! Poison Ivy! Scarecrow! Batman! Mr. Freeze! And…oh, it seems Hush dropped out of the race out of sheer apathy…**one contestant down**!" The crowd cheered loudly at this, as apparently Hush wanted to do a malt-shop version of "Stars are Blind". Batman looked over and glared at Harley Quinn, who was starry-eyed with a wide smile as Poison Ivy picked her nose with disinterest. He was suspicious.

"And now, we will start with Black Mask and his song, **Devil Woman **by Cliff Richard," Green Lantern announced as Batman ducked and disappeared into the shadows, meeting up with Robin and Batgirl backstage, who were eating churros on a humongous pile of boxes.

"Why are you on boxes?" shouted out Batman.

"We dunno!" yelled out Batgirl.

"By the by, I saw Sleepaway Camp," called out Robin, "Very very freaky stuff! But I don't think Harley Quinn is the killer."

"Are you messing with my hot wings?" growled out Batman angrily.

"No, no, you see, no one expected Angela to be the killer…or be the dude," explained Robin, "And you expect 100% from the get-go that Harley is the murderer…and a dude, but we all know she has a…woowoo, and not a…pee-pee."

Batman simply glared at the poor boy. "…When are you going to grow up?"

"When he grows a pair," sighed Batgirl with sadness.

"Look, I'm saying, just expect the unexpected," informed Robin, "Harley Quinn is the most unlikely suspect because she is the most likely suspect."

"Look, Harley's a chick, something bad happened to her, and Professor Pyg used to peep her in the showers so he had it coming," argued Batman, who turned around and said with a gruff, "Now, if you excuse me, I am going to look into Harley's dressing room as Poison Ivy sings her version of **Toxic**." He grumbled as he walked off in an angry huff, with Batgirl and Robin still eating their churros.

* * *

><p>Later in the night, just as Batman said, he began rummaging through Harley Quinn's things in her dressing room with a dark determined glare. He grabbed panties, bras, and even a pair of Joker's boxers as he tried to find a clue to Harley Quinn's gender.<p>

"Come on! Come on!" grumbled the Bat, "I know I'm right! I'm the World's Greatest Detective! There has got to be SOMETHING that proves Harley is a dude!"

Suddenly, he was slashed at from behind, causing him to roar in pain. He looked to see someone run out of the room, but the person was wearing a long black coat. He bellowed as he pointed at the door, then running out and chasing the figure up the stairs to the catwalk as Poison Ivy finished her song, which left the audience clapping with admiration and intense lust.

"Okay, next would be the Penguin, singing from, oh! **A British Tar **by Gilbert and Sullivan!" announced Green Lantern happily, and all the Star Trek fans fangasmed. Including me. Hell, even Hector Hammond from the back row was screaming and crying like a little girl.

Batman cornered the figure at the end of the catwalk, grinning madly at it. "I am going to bring you the true meaning of justice, Harleen Quinzel!" he growled out like a determined wolf.

As he was about to strike, Penguin waddled out to the stage and cleared his throat loudly, then singing aloud with gusto as the orchestra played from behind him.

"A British Tar is a soaring soul! As free as a mountain bird! His energetic fist should be ready to resist, a dictatorial word!" he sang beautifully, which caused Batman to freeze and sweat profusely, "His nose should pant…"

"And his lips should curl…" muttered Batman.

"His cheeks should flame…" sang Penguin.

"And his brow should furl," groaned Batman, trying to contain himself.

"His bosom should heave!" bellowed Penguin beautifully.

"And his heart should glow!" sang Batman against his will, then singing out with Penguin, "And his fist should be ever ready for a knock-down blow!"

Suddenly, Batman was kicked in the stomach as the chorus was loudly sung, the Dark Knight holding onto a rope as the figure giggled at the vigilante. The figure ran away with a hissing laugh as he began to climb up the rope.

"Must…not…let…HARLEY QUINN! GET BACK HERE!" rambled Batman angrily, who was getting closer to the catwalk, laughing as he was almost to his goal as Penguin continued to sing.

"His foot should stamp!" sang the Penguin.

"Oh no. And his throat should growl!" growled Batman painfully and ironically, the rope sliding down.

"His hair should twirl!" chirped Penguin as the lights gleamed from behind him.

"And his face should scowl!" sang Batman as he gave in.

"His eyes should flash!" crowed Penguin as the stage brought him higher into the air.

"And his breast protrude!" sang Batman in baritone, then falling from the rope and falling into a box of churros.

"And this should be his customary attitude," sang the Penguin, who then sang his heart out as he finished his magnificent song to an uproar of Star Trek fans, including me. Batman, grumbled in a mountain of churros as he felt something grab his thigh. "…Robin?" he growled out, "Is that you?"

"…No…" groaned Robin, who was crushed by Batman's intense weight, "But while you are here…can you please get off me?"

* * *

><p>Later in the competition, while Mr. Freeze is singing "Big Girls Don't Cry" by "Frankie Valli &amp; The Four Seasons", Harley Quinn was strolling to her dressing room with her friend, Poison Ivy.<p>

"You did good with that rendition of **Toxic**," praised Harley as she skipped.

"Thanks, Harl, but what are you going to sing?" asked Poison Ivy as they walked to the front door.

"I'll be singin' **Born This Way** by the Lady Gaga!" announced Harley as she opened the door, revealing her dressing area a complete mess, causing her and Ivy to gasp in shock. Harley began to tear up as Batman landed right behind the two women in true Batman fashion.

"Lady Gaga? How ironic!" growled the Batman, they both spun around to see the Dark Knight glaring at the puppy-eyed Harley Quinn, "Now, tell me the truth! All of it!"

"Okay, okay," muttered Harley with a blush, "One time I ate the Joker's pizza and I blamed it on Bob, and then he shot him. One time when I was thirteen, I saw my cousin Mickey naked and we started makin' out. One time I pushed a kid out of the way to a roller-coaster and he fell into the alligator pit. One time when I was in college I had this guy kill himself, just to see if he could. One time I…"

"No! I mean the one where you are a dude!" snapped the Batman.

Harley gave him a weird look, along with Ivy. Harley couldn't help but laugh in amusement, "Oh, Bats! And Mistah J said you don't have no sense'a humah!"

Suddenly, Batman grabbed her arms and began violently shaking her much to her fright as Poison Ivy watched with extreme shock. "Don't play me, Harley Quinn! I watched Sleepaway Camp! I know the signs! Now tell me the truth! That you are male!"

"I! Don't! Know! What! You! Talkin'! 'Bout!" yelped Harley as she was shaked like a rattle by the paranoid Batman.

Suddenly, Joker appeared from nowhere and pushed Batman away, saying, "Batman! You are doing it all wrong!" He then grabbed her arms and shook her rougher and wilder, causing her to go dizzy and moan in distress.

"Like this, see?" giggled the Joker before he was punched in the face by Ivy, with Harley standing there in a daze. Scarecrow then walked up next to the Joker for some reason as the Clown Prince of Crime got up.

Poison Ivy ranted out loud angrily, "Knock it off! Harley isn't a dude! I know!" This quickly got all three's attention, causing Ivy to roll her eyes in annoyance.

"Ivy…I think I gots an aneurysm," whimpered Harley in her daze. Ivy patted her back and helped the poor girl into the dressing room.

Ivy then turned around and yelled out, "Now listen to me as hard as you friggin' can, stay away from her Batman, or expect my fist going straight up your fat ass!" She slammed the door angrily as Batman stood in front of said door with Joker and Scarecrow.

"Psh, what a bitch," hissed the Scarecrow, then walking away as he whistled the tune to "Do You Believe In Magic". Joker then turned to Batman and sighed as he placed his hand on the vigilante's shoulder.

"So, you wanna explain why you were shaking my baby?" asked the Joker playfully.

"She's the killer and she's really a boy!" roared Batman angrily.

"Oh, Bats, I'd know if my girlfriend is a boy or not," laughed the Joker, "Don't you trust me?

"Of course not!" growled Batman with hate, "Now, I need to freshen up my voice, I'll be singing Live's **Lightning Crashes** this time so that I can beat Bane's rendition of** Malaguena Salerosa**!"

"Ha! Good luck!" scoffed the Joker, "My version of the Electric Six song, **Gay Bar** Will blow you suckers FAR AWAY! HAHAA! It'll be much better than Scarecrow's version of Lady Gaga's **Born This Way**."

"That bitch!" screamed Harley Quinn from behind of the door, causing Batman and Joker to flinch with surprise.

* * *

><p><strong>Later That Evening<strong>

All the contestants were lined up in a row as the judges looked from afar with Green Lantern standing next to them all.

"Hello everyone, **this**…" Green Lantern then paused for a whole ten minutes, then saying, "…Is Gotham Idol. Sorry, had to kill some time. And now, we will have the judges final judgement. Let us see who goes, and who stays…since we cannot use cellphone voting in this show since the Joker tried to kill us all in such a way...it wasn't pretty."

The judges began talking to themselves as the contestants stood there nervously, except Catwoman who was wondering if she left the door open or not before she left her house today. She didn't want any wasps to fly in her house after all. Who would?

The judges came to a decision as they looked at the nervous contestants and the one mind-loss contestant.

"Okay, Batman, you are in," called out Superman, causing the Dark Knight to fist pump, "One, Live is one heck of a good band, and two, you are an impressive baritone. We all wish the best."

"But if you wanna go anywhere!" shouted Haruhi as she pointed her pencil at him, "You better get some bat-damn brains and get in my dressing room and give me one hell of a good fu-"

Superman quickly clasped his hand on the omnipotent goddess schoolgirl and chuckled, "Well, anyway, let's not keep the audience waiting and all! Heheh!"

Haruhi groaned and threw Superman's hand away from her mouth. She took a deep breath and said, "Mr. Freeze, I'm sorry, but you are out. You skipped a verse."

"Darn!" grumbled Freeze, who stomped out of the stage as he tugged the wire of Nora Fries' cryogenic tube. He then sighed and said, "Yes Nora, a big fat C."

"And Mr. Sionis," said Constantine, "We regret to inform you that-"

"Fuck you!" roared Black Mask angrily, causing everyone to gasp in shock, "I don't need your goddamn criticism! I already know I am one hell of a singer and you can just SUCK IT! So, eat my dick! I'm OUT! PEACE!" Mask then stormed out while cursing wildly. The judges were shocked, Superman and Haruhi looking at John with confusion.

"I'm sorry…I was trying to do those things were it sounds bad…yet it isn't!" admitted Constantine in genuine shock.

The two sighed as Superman called out, "Well, Black Mask is out…and now, time for the Riddler…you are in." Riddler jumped up and down in victory as the crowd cheered in his victory, even Hector Hammond was crying like a preteen girl in the back.

"You preformed a satisfactory version of System of a Down's **Question!** to the point of sounding too alike with them, which isn't a good thing, work on that, hon," gave out Constantine in a mixture of criticism and praise, much to the annoyance to Superman and Haruhi.

"Now, Joker, you may be lewd, crude, and 100% offensive, and you may have even killed a fan trying to get your autograph," sighed Superman in criticism, "But damn do you sing, and I would be torn asunder if I don't let you in! Because if I don't let you in, then we would deny the chance of seeing you blossom like a flower! You are like a majestic eagle you are!" When did Superman turn into Bruno Toniolo?

"Well, I am honored, Big Blue!" laughed the Joker, "I hope to please you more in the future."

"I hope so too, I hope so too," cooed Haruhi as she undressed the Joker with her eyes, much to the disgust of Constantine and Superman.

"And Bane…" called out Constantine, who just sighed and said, "I don't even need to say why, you are in." The crowd loudly cheered at his accomplishment, who showed his appreciation by flexing his muscles, which caused Hector Hammond to scream like a preteen girl.

"Harley Quinn, you have the voice of an angel…when you sing," congratulated Constantine, "We'll be seein' you in the next round!"

Harley began screaming and giggling with joy, running around and jumping, hugging the Joker and Ivy with joy.

"Mmm, when she jumps around like that…oooh," Haruhi molested with her voice, staring at Harley deviously, peaking the other two judges interest in her interest in Harley.

Haruhi noticed this and cleared her throat, regaining her composure. "Penguin," she spoke out, "I'm sorry, but you are not the kind of singer we are looking for. But you definitely have a career as an amazing opera singer…"

"Please, my dear!" called the Penguin with grand elegance, "I understand…my style is hard to understand, but I am a gentleman in a uproarious world of foolishness and lethargy. I exit this theatre…and do what I do best…bring elegancy in vandalism…good day, my turtle-dove." With that, Penguin opened his umbrella and floated away like Mary Poppins.

Superman chuckled and said, "Well, that's going on The Soup!"

Constantine looked through the list and said aloud, "Scarecrow, Born This Way was definitely not your song, so I'm sorry…you don't belong here."

Scarecrow frowned as he held his head down, walking away as Harley Quinn stuck her tongue at him mockingly.

"And now, it's just Selina Kyle…and Pamela Isley left!" announced Green Lantern with a large smile as the two stood there. Poison Ivy was standing straight as Catwoman looked over to see a moth flutter around her head, much to her annoyance.

"Well, you both did a wonderful job," said Superman as he drank his sponsored drink, "Poison Ivy for her rendition of **Toxic**, and of course, Catwoman's version of the song, **Rehab** by the late great Amy Winehouse."

"It was tough to decide, that is for damn sure," admitted Haruhi as she twiddled her fingers nervously, "What I do know that one has to go and one has to stay, simply that. You were both mind-blowing, and I really wish I could take you both but…Constantine, call it."

John looked at her, then at the two, "Well, I thought you were both a bit pitchy and seemed to mistake hip movement to talent," Constantine had to duck from Poison Ivy's Bullet Seed attack after saying that, then continuing with his review, "So, if I had to pick from the god-awful performances, I would have to choose…"

He was interrupted by a loud clap, which was Catwoman just catching the moth in her hand playfully. She looked around at the eyes staring at her, she groaned loudly in annoyance at this cadre of stares. "Please, you all act like someone just died!"

All of a sudden, a scream was heard as Robin fell from above the theatre and landed hard on the floor. A thunderous thud was heard as Robin was instantly limp like a rag doll, trickles of blood running from his mouth and nose as most of his bones were completely fractured.

Everyone looked in horror, except for the cold-hearted few like Joker and John Constantine, as Batman shook with terror oat the sight of Robin falling roughly to the floor.

"Robin! Nooooo!" screamed the Dark Knight as he ran over and hugged his body and pressed it against his bosom, crying softly to him.

As this was happening, Joker stood next to Harley as she stood there in a shocked state. He quickly looked around and blurted out loudly, "Wasn't me! Honest."

"Sorry Batman, but you are dead wrong," called out Constantine, "It is not Robin, the winner of this round is Catwoman."A loud fanfare was heard as the crowd cheered and confetti rained on her, but she was still shocked and disturbed by Robin's attack. Even when Green Lantern ran over and hugged her did she not recognize her lost, staring at Batman holding Robin's body with worry and heart-ache.

"Congratulations, Catwoman!" laughed Green Lantern, "You have entered the next round! How do you feel?"

"…Batman?" she let out, getting free from Lantern's grip and running over to the grieving Batman, kneeling behind him and pressing her hands on his shoulders.

"And with semi-finals coming, we will see! Who will be! Our next Gotham Idol!" announced Green Lantern with his ever-present jackassy smile.

"Robin! Stay with me!" roared Batman in sorrow, "You can't die! Not again! No!" Despite this, everything was playing as if nothing happened, with Lantern standing there like a complete jerk.

"Lantern! Out!" finished Green Lantern with a wave as tragedy struck Gotham Idol.

* * *

><p><strong>Later That Day<strong>

Batman and Gordon stood outside the stadium as Robin was wheeled out with Batgirl at his side, clasping his hand with great worry as they both entered the ambulance, which sped like the Flash down the streets to the place all children fear: The Hospital.

Gordon sighed and patted Batman's back, saying with concern, "Don't worry, good buddy, he'll be just fine. The Gotham Hospital will keep him there until he gets all better, we won't make ANY attempt to see who he is and I'll send some officers to protect him. I promise, no villain will get past us. Not even Hush."

"Thanks, Gordon," sighed Batman. With that, Superman and Haruhi walked over with Superman patting Batman's back.

"You have my greatest condolences, Batman," sighed Superman sadly, "I'll get Ray Palmer to go inside his body and fix his bones quicker and all."

"Thanks, I'm sure he'll hate that," groaned Batman as he turned away, visibly hurt.

"And if you excuse me, I have the displeasure of notifying the guardians," sighed Haruhi sadly, then asking Superman, "Who is the guardian again, Superman?"

"…That would be Batman," replied Superman in an awkward state. Haruhi instantly froze up, looking at the displeased Batman. She chuckled nervously and backed away slowly, before bolting away.

Gordon gave a sigh of confusion and shook his head. "Y'know, it's funny, I always remember him bein' a damn good glider," he said aloud, causing Batman and Superman to look at him for a brief moment, not sure why that was important. Batman glanced over to see Harley sitting on a bench, enjoying a bag full of falafels, he gave a glare even though she didn't even notice his presence.

He didn't even notice Catwoman walk over to him and rest her arm around his waist. "Hey guy…you gonna be okay?" she asked with concern.

"…Yeah…" he let out in a salty fashion.

"Look, if you need me, I'm always there, 'kay pumpkin?" she consoled with a soft smile, but Batman sighed and slightly nodded. Knowing that the brooding hero was better alone in these situations, she moved away as she wiped her hands of moth-gunk. Batman trying to figure out how to prove his solution, by unmasking Harley Quinn…

…as a man!

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Hoo! Johnny B. Damned! I cannot tell you how hard these Gotham Idol chapters are to write! I don't know why! I wish I could find the reason…but I cannot.<strong>

**Anyway, I might do a break chapter to get my brain away from this hardness…a TF2 chapter even.**

**BTW You guys seen that "Meet the Pyro" video? EPIC!**

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Robin AKA Tim Drake

**Voice Actor:** Tara Strong (Timmy Turner Voice, of course)

**Description:** Like many Robins before him, he wears the standard outfit all Robins wear…the type that deviates attention from Batman to them. His costume consists of a red t-shirt with a black Kevlar suit underneath it covering most of his body, with a yellow utility belt, black boots, red gloves, and a short yellow/black cape. The red shirt has the emblem of the Robin on it, signifying that he is a Robin. He also wears a black mask held together with glue of some sort. His physical characteristics are slim, short, and full of energy. He has short hair with spiky bangs with a little spike coming at the back of the head, kinda like a duck. And he sports an almost constant smile that shines with innocence in a dreary world…that annoys Batman to NO end.

**Likes:** Video Games, Pizza, Spaghetti, Those hipster movies that the kids are all on about, Batgirl, Batman, and Pop (But pretends that he doesn't…when he really does)

**Dislikes:** Crime, Joker, Being mocked, Those stupid 2012 rumors that are complete bunk


	30. Do You Believe In Magic?

**The Banana Slug: I at first wanted Firefly to be the Pyro…but then I realized something really obvious…**

**The only reason Firefly would be Pyro would be because Firefly is a fire-guy just like Pyro.**

**And yes, Firefly only got the job because there was no Meet the Pyro video…and now there is! :D**

**And so, let's meet, not the Firefly…but instead. Meet the Scarecrow!**

**SPECIAL CAMEO APPEARENCES: **_**The Team (First Season) **_**from Young Justice**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 30: Do You Believe In Magic?**

* * *

><p><strong>Meet the Scarecrow<strong>

The sun was setting in the west, the town of Happy Harbor strangely silent and abandoned as a dark figure strolled through the streets. It dragged its long jagged scythe on the asphalt as it released a hissing laugh.

It was…

…

SCARECROW!

Yes, the Scarecrow, stepping on glasses and dragging his scythe in such a disturbing yet clichéd way. On his back was some sort of contraption, a long tube filled with fear toxin with a hose at the side which was strapped to his belt, ready to be fired to release the terror in gas form…

**Scarecrow Incident Interview #1**

"I fear no man," growled Bane, who was being interviewed of what the Scarecrow has done to what was left of the Team of sidekicks that was assembled by the Justice League. Sitting in a dark room, he looked and around and admitted with resistance, "But that…thing…"

He leaned in, looking around once more, before revealing, "…it scares me…"

**End Interview**

As the Scarecrow walked down the town, he noticed people hiding away from him. Including Wendy Harris and Marvin White. Wendy slammed the door behind Marvin as he tried to get in, desperately.

He froze when he saw the Scarecrow lock eyes with him, shivering in terror. Scarecrow grabbed the end of the hose and pointed it at the boy, tilting his head insanely as he breathed heavily.

Marvin desperately yanking at the door as Scarecrow came closer and closer to Marvin, with the Scarecrow pressing the hose near his face with insane glee. Unaware of the Team coming to his location.

**Scarecrow Incident Interview #2**

"No, I ain't…I ain't talkin' about that psycho! Alright?" let out Commissioner Gordon in the interview room, trying to light a cigar desperately as he began getting more and more paranoid.

He then stopped as he began darting his head around. "He's not here is he? Is this some sort of experiment?" He quickly got up and darted for the door.

"How do I get this thing off!" growled Gordon as he began tugging at the microphone attached to his shirt, swiping away a camera in the process.

**End Interview**

Scarecrow kicked down the door, with Marvin White in the background screaming and wrestling in the mud, scratching his own eyes out.

The dreaded Scarecrow looked at all the high schoolers backed into a corner, deathly frightened of the thing that causes nightmares. He couldn't help but giggle at their fear, pointing his "fear gun" at them as it released a trickle of the toxin.

He heard a jet land in the background, and he knew…only one thing…

…more test subjects.

**Scarecrow Incident Interview #3**

Batman stood as he looked at his batarang, twirling it slightly and looking at his reflection, seeing if there was any distortion…to see if this was not an hallucination. "One shudders to imagine what…inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask…"

**End Interview**

The town is burning…with the roofs covered in flames as the Scarecrow stands in the middle of the streets, laughing insanely with the charred remains of the Team's Ship behind him. He began spraying his fear gas throughout the infernal town, the pale white gas clouding the entire streets like a demonic fog.

He took a deep breath, inhaling his devious gas…then breathing out as his body began to shake in a disturbing fashion.

"What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?" echoed Batman's words.

Scarecrow took one last deep breath, feeling the fear toxin finally take effect as he began spraying more of the toxin into the air.

However, in his mental state…he saw something else entirely…

…

He saw himself holding a large contraption with a horn at the end, blowing magic bubbles that create flowers in its wake. The town disappeared and turned to a lovely place of sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops, fields filled with lollipops. Scarecrow giggled with glee as he spread more love and joy across this cute and cuddly place as an assortment of fluffy animals rained from the sky, including cuddly kittens and little oinking piggies. Sweets grew on the ground like plants, perfectly edible and delicious for the taste buds. Yes, it was a place that reeked of diabetes.

From behind a giant pie, peeked a cute little cherub version of the superhero Superboy. Who giggled as he fell down and bounced slightly, rubbing his tummy and cooing softly.

Scarecrow spotted Superboy, grabbing a giant lollipop and holding it up, shouting to the boy with glee. The young clone giggled with joy and ran to Scarecrow with great clumsy speed, tripping more than once.

Scarecrow skipped as he giggled with equal joy, swinging his arms around and twirling around every once and a while. The two soon were close to each other, as Scarecrow leapt into the sky with lollipop in hand, swinging said candy down on Superboy.

…

…However, in the real world, Superboy yelled in terror as Scarecrow screamed like an insane banshee in the air, slamming his scythe in Superboy's forehead, blood gushing from the wound as the injured Superboy wobbled around. His eyes lifeless as he fell against a streetlight, dead in such a gruesome manner with the scythe still on his forehead.

Scarecrow didn't seem to care, for in his warped mind, Superboy was leaning against a tree, with lollipop in his teeth as he munched it with his baby teeth. Scarecrow heard more giggling as he looked behind himself, seeing baby cherub Kid Flash speeding to him with glee and happiness.

The cherub settled on the top of Scarecrow's horn, which the doctor grabbed from his pocket a bubble wand. And with a glee that couldn't be broken, blew bubbles in Kid Flash's delightful face.

Well, in Scarecrow's world…in the real world, he just shot the superhero in the face with his .44 Magnum. Blood spurted out and hit Scarecrow's face as Kid Flash's body fell to the ground, another blow to the head as blood spewed from the mouth and nostrils as the body twitched its last evidence of life.

Of course, to Scarecrow, all it did was send Kid Flash back a bit as he giggled with Superboy, who bumped their stomachs together with glee as the flew around the over-happy Scarecrow, who sighed with pleasure and love.

Another giggle he heard as he looked over to see the Miss Martian cherub wave at him happily from a large present box, only to gasp playfully as she quickly ducked back into the box.

"Hey there!" chuckled Scarecrow as he skipped to the box pleasantly. He noticed the lid was not quite right on, so he grabbed it and readjusted it right.

…

What he actually did was place a lead pipe in between two doors, trapping Miss Martian as she tried to open said doors. She looked at the Scarecrow, tears and terror in her eyes as she noticed Scarecrow holding a match right in front of her.

"No!" she pleaded for dear life, "Please no! Don't do it!"

With that, Scarecrow flicked it at the door as the jugs of gasoline near it flared up and covered the entire building with flames. He watched as he heard Miss Martian release blood-curdling screams from within, he chuckled as he swung to the left and walked with a dark swagger.

Or in his massive imagination, he skipped around like a school-boy as he was shooting his magic bubbles at everyone in his path, creating flowers, floating cookies, and even a flying unicorn for Cherub Aqualad and Cherub Artemis, who jumped on said unicorn and gleefully rode around on it.

He led his angel baby friends throughout the fields as he continues to spray his bubbles onto the land, he turns around to see such a glorious sight. He saw all his cherub friends wave and giggle with him, happy to see their good friend once more.

Actuality returns, the town burns as citizens scream in horror. Aqualad is on the ground, apparently he was sliced in half and is bleeding profusely as he tries to grab his water-bearers, only to die before he was able to get them.

Artemis falls from a burning building, crawling as she breaths heavily and tears running down her face. She sees a figure in the distance, so she crawls to it in hopes that it will provide her with salvation.

She grabs the leg and tugs on it. "Help!" she screams out, looking at the figure…only to reveal it to be Scarecrow looking down at her. He points the gun at her as he smiles down at her, before shooting the gas right in her face.

…As she screams with such horror and pure terror that could give goose bumps to a normal man, all he could do is tilt his head, as his smile grew even wider.

* * *

><p><strong>Is Hush Too Boring?<strong>

Hush sat on his bed in his studio apartment, rewinding over and over to watch the part of Gotham Idol where Robin fell down onto the stage.

Hush would chuckle with every splat, viewing Robin's fate with glee as he watched it over and over again like a kid with Asperger's.

Suddenly, his cellphone rang, ringing his "Sit On You" ringtone as he slowly grabbed it from his pocket and flipped it open. He answered it with a slight, "Yello?"

"Hey, it's Clayface," grumbled the caller, whom it was Clayface of course, as he sat on a roof and talked into his really big cellphone.

"…Basil," acknowledged Hush as he picked his nose.

"Did you see what happened to Robin?" asked Clayface with pure amusement.

"AHAHAA! Yes I did!" laughed Hush, "In fact, I have it on DVR so that I can watch it over and over and over and over again. Did you see the look on Batman's stupid face?"

"Yeah…yeah," chuckled Clayface.

"He was such a gigantic pussy!" mocked Hush with great joy, "Crying like a little bitch and everything, I bet he's secretly all like, _finally, that little wretch can leave me alone while I party with ho's and other little boys_. What a puss."

Clayface paused a bit, "…You have some issues, don't you?"

Hush was silent for a great while, then continuing the conversation with, "Anyway, do you know who did it?"

"That was why I was calling you!" gasped a shocked Clayface, "I thought you did it!"

"No, no I did not," admitted Hush with a sigh, "But whoever did it, I would personally love to get them an ice cream cookie sandwich. He would deserve it."

"Uh-huh," added Clayface, then saying, "Well, we should call some of our friends and see who did it!"

"By friends you mean accomplices," groaned Hush, "Okay, I'll call you back when I find out who did it."

"Gotcha!" replied Clayface with a happy tone, who ended the call much to Hush's relief.

"Didn't think that would end," he sighed, and with lightning fast speed he typed down the numbers and called the main suspects that would be behind this.

"Yes, this is Simon Hurt?" said a voice from the phone with great tire.

"Hey, Simon!" greeted Hush as he picked his teeth, "Did you have anything to do with that whole thing with Robin falling down in Gotham Idol?"

"Gotham Idol? What happened to American Idol?" questioned Simon Hurt as he was in a private room filled with strippers and pink lights.

"Who cares?" scoffed Hush, who then said, "Well, since you don't know what Gotham Idol is, that means you didn't do jack to the 'Tard Wonder."

"Correct," replied Simon Hurt as he was spanking stripper booty, "Find the man and give him an ice cream cookie sandwich!"

"Got it," finished Hush with a nod, who ended the call to leave Simon Hurt to his debauchery. Hush began dialing again, this time calling someone who might be more insightful…someone on the inside.

"Joker here!" he answered, sitting in a dressing room as he looked at his reflection with lust, making kissing faces at it.

"Hey, clown," grumbled Hush, who didn't want to give Joker an ice cream cookie sandwich, "Did you do that whole fiasco involving Robin getting injured?"

"No, but Batman thinks Harley did it," admitted Joker with a shrug, "Would you like to speak with her, Hush-Puppy?"

"Yes…" hissed Hush, wincing in pain at Joker's nickname for him. Hush waited impatiently for a short while, hearing talking, whining, and laughter in the other side.

"…This is Harls!" she greeted, holding the phone as she was putting on her make-up.

"Okay, Harley, I want the truth!" hissed Hush.

Harley darted her eyes around nervously as she blushed. She took a deep breath and said, "Okay, when I was fourteen, I dated this boy for ten minutes only to get his sandwich. One time, I ate one of Ivy's blackberries, and I blamed it on the dog. One time, when I was in Glee Club, when one student I don't like was singing this song, and I pushed her down the stage and she broke her arm, and they kicked me out…"

"NOT THAT, YOU DING-BAT!" yelled Hush angrily, "I mean what happened to Robin!"

"…Oh, and you probably think I'm a dude too, huh?" interrogated an angry Harley Quinn.

"…Excuse me?" let out a greatly confused Hush.

"Look, if you want answers, call that Professor Pyg guy!" yelled an enraged Harley Quinn, "He was attacked and he can tell you who did it…maybe!" With a growl, she ended the call, and returned to her make-up as she was greatly offended.

Hush looked at his phone with great shock, then shook his head as he called the Professor Pyg next, waiting for a while as he heard the call tone ring for some time.

"Hello, darling?" groaned Professor Pyg, who was laying on the hospital bed watching Babe as he was covered in bandages, more so than Hush.

"Hey, Hush, do you know who attacked you?" asked Hush curiously.

"No, I thought it was Jesus…but it wasn't," replied Professor Pyg, "But I do have an idea who it could be…the prime suspect, and it is just the person one would think it is. It's quite obvious!"

"Really? Who?" questioned an excited Hush, hoping to finally get an answer that spoils the rest of this arc.

"It was…" whimpered Professor Pyg, ready to give the answer, "It was…It…Was…"

**We apologize, the author was not truly going to give you the answer, only cop out in the last second to tease you all for his amusement. Are you angry? Good. You feed the Banana Slug with your anger. All Hail the Red Lantern Corps! Death to the Guardians!**

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

Scarecrow skipped alone in the trail of gum-drops and happiness as the beautiful rainbow was before him in the distance, swinging his lollipop around with joy as the birds fluttered around him as a giant pink elephant blew his horn in the distance in the ice cream mountains of chocolate chip and cookie dough.

If only this world was real, if only Scarecrow didn't leave our world with a dark infernal mark that was once Happy Harbor. The Team was dead, with Superboy's corpse still against the streetlight with a scythe in stuck in his head, Kid Flash on the ground as a puddle of blood surrounded his corpse. Not only that, with Aqualad's vivisected body on the bloody asphalt as his face was frozen in a shocked expression, his hands gripping the grass. Miss Martian's charred skeleton reaching out from a burning building as one last attempt at freedom of her hell. Artemis's dead body on the ground, her mouth wide open with her eyeballs in hand, after she ripped them from her skull.

Zatanna's corpse hung from a street lamp as it swung lightly from the rope that tightened around her little throat. It seemed she done herself in.

Red Arrow held in his organs as a huge gaping hole was left on his chest, before finally grunting and dying a horrid death like the rest of his team. His body fell down as a dust cloud covered his body, with Scarecrow walking away.

He walked slowly, his scythe dragging across the ground as he whistled a melodious and peaceful tune. With his job done, he walked down the bloody asphalt without care of the crumbling buildings before him. He watched as one part of the wooden structure fell down and fell over him, dodging it without even trying.

A nightmare has been born, but dreams never die.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Some may be a little put off for me making "The Scarecrow" the Pyro, when the job should be Firefly…<strong>

…**The problem is that I don't give a fuck. :D**

**DISCLAIMER: I have no ill will to Young Justice, I even have fanfictions of Young Justice. So, please, try not to overreact like a big fat biatch.**

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Catwoman AKA Selina Kyle

**Voice Actor:** Grey DeLisle (Blame Arkham City)

**Description:** She wears a black leather jumpsuit that covers most of her body. With it includes claws for attack and gripping things, and a built-in belt. She also has a zipper in the front that she intentionally keeps slightly zipped down to reveal her godly cleavage. She also has a collar with white synthetic fur lining that goes down halfway down her suit. Catwoman wears black stilettos for footwear, which seems like a hindrance but for some reason, she makes it work like a pro. She also wears this cap of some kind that has little cat ears poke out, which also sport red goggles that go up and down for Catwoman's convenience. And to top the outfit all off, she has a small black collar with a tag that says, "Kyle" on it…wow. For her physical appearance, she has a tall, well-developed body with a slight curvaceous figure with a female comic character's common superpower: Big Breast's of Epicness. She has black hair with bangs poking out from the top her mask, removed reveals a pixie cut hairstyle. Top that off with green eyes, luscious lips, and…hot curves, and you get the ultra-sexy Catwoman. Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.

**Likes:** Batman, Tuna, Milk, Stealing shiny things, Yarn, Poptarts, Spaghetti, Stealing shiny things, Watching you fap, Laying her body on a railing…AND SHINY THINGS!

**Dislikes:** Black Mask, Sexism, Dogs, Water, and not shiny things


	31. Sleepaway Idol III

**The Banana Slug: Now, let us return to our American Idol/Sleepaway Camp spoof. Once again, I have to thank Bren Tenkage for giving me the idea for this chapter arc.**

**Now, I should tell you all, this is only part three of this four-parter, and get ready for the Bat to get in his most paranoid state.**

* * *

><p><strong>DISCLAIMER: This chapter is dedicated to the late Ace Ventura, who died while crossing the Bermuda Triangle…wait, what? That's complete bull! What a crock!<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 31: Sleepaway Idol III**

* * *

><p><strong>The Semi-Finals<strong>

The stadium was filled with cheering crowds as Green Lantern stood around like the announcer he believes he is, the three celebrity judges sitting at their large table, and the six contestants standing around impatiently.

"Hello, and welcome to the next round of…Gotham Idol!" announced Green Lantern happily, "And we are done to our semi-finals, twelve came in, and six came out. Those six individuals include…Bane! Batman! Catwoman! Harley Quinn! Joker! And the Riddler! Who will win? Who will fail! Who will-"

Suddenly, a bottle was thrown from the judges panel, with Haruhi yelling out angrily, "Shut up! We want a turn to speak! Ya big green booger!" Green Lantern gave her a death glare, before floating away as she cleared her throat loudly.

"Okay, first we have Batman, singing…**The Crying Game **by Boy George? Kinda strange," she revealed, shrugging at the end to her fellow judges, who were just as confused.

Batman stepped up as he grabbed the microphone, waiting for the tune of said song to play as he slowly rocked back and forth. His gaze slowly moving towards Harley Quinn, who was sitting on the ground, picking at some rubber on the floor.

"I know all there is to know about the Crying Game," sang Batman in a cold yet soothing voice, staring straight at Harley Quinn, "I've had my share of the Crying Game. First there are kisses, then there are sighs. And then before you know where you are. You're sayin' goodbye."

Harley was not intimidated by this vague threat disguised as a song, but was thoroughly interested in the song as she began to bob her head left and right. "Nice tunes!" she giggled happily.

As Batman finished the song, with the crowd cheering at his beautiful song, he continued to glare at Harley, looking at her dead in the eyes. This did little to no effect in intimidation, as she just sat there with a big smile and her eyes crossed.

"Stupendous! Super! Awestriking! That is what I decribe you and myself, two you and one me!" praised Superman in a style that Bruno Tonioli would fall in love with, "You were like a god of the underworld, singing darkness and sadness into your words as you stare into our souls like a bat out of hell!"

"This is Gotham Idol, not Dancing with the Crazies," sighed an annoyed Haruhi, who then cleared her throat and said with joy, "Mr. Batman…you threw me out of the solar system! I wanna hear more from that sexy voice of yours!"

"…It was beautiful," admitted the usually sour Constantine, who had slight tears in his eyes, "But, the only criticism I have is that you lacked eye focus."

"Oh, I beg to differ," growled Batman as he glared at Harley Quinn, "I am focused on that which will feel my vengeance and-"

He was suddenly pushed out of the way by the Riddler, who twirled his cane with a wicked smile as he said with a loud tone, "Riddle me this! What do you call a sleeping bull? Answer! A bulldozer! Ehehehehehooo!"

With that, the lights flashed green as he began to sing his self-titled song with back-up dancers, dressed in female versions of his costume.

"What tell me what tell me what's the difference, between an elephant and a flea!" sang the Riddler.

"Gee, we would sure like to know the difference, between an elephant and a fleeeaa!" sang his back-up dancers.

"Well an elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants! Ehehehooohooo!" revealed Riddler with joy, swinging his cane around as Batman limped away in hate.

"Hey diddle diddle, the whole world's a riddle to the Riddler!" sang out his back-up dancers, twirling around him as he raised his arms with pride.

"Riddle me this! Which tell me which tell me which is the easier to spell. Fiddle-dee or Fiddle-dum?" sang Riddler as he stepped to the edge of the stage.

"Gee, we give up, which is easier to spell? Fiddle-dee or Dum?" sang his back-up dancers as they pressed their hands on his chest sensually, causing more pride to build up in him.

With a loud voice, he sang out, "Fiddle-dee because its spelled with more **E's**! Ehoohoohoooo!"

After he finished his song, Haruhi got up and yelled out, "Boooooo!"

She noticed Superman and Constantine look at her with disdain, she looked around and smiled, "No! No, It was a Good Boo! I was being supportive!" Superman and Constantine both face-palmed themselves.

* * *

><p>During the commercial break, Batman began skulking in the shadows, even using a Silent Takedown on a tech guy that happened to see him skulk around. Batman approached the women's dressing room door, before slamming it open before him.<p>

In said room was Catwoman, in her red underwear. She turned to him with a shocked expression, and Batman's nose released a trickle of blood down his emotionless face.

"Batman! This isn't the time and place!" yelled a surprised Catwoman. Batman, however, walked to the clothes rack and he hid right behind it, much to Catwoman's annoyance.

She walked over in a huff, pulling them back as Batman stood in front of her. "Please reposition the women's clothing, Selina. I'm trying to hide myself."

"Bruce, what the hell are you doing?" she growled out with a scowl.

"I'm going to stay here until Harley Quinn gets here," explained the Dark Knight, "And when she undresses, I will be able to see what I came here for."

Catwoman stared at him, she then chuckled and said, "Batman, I never knew you were this kinky."

"No, you don't understand," barked Batman, "I will be able to see Harley's penis."

"Geez, you really are into some weird stuff," said Catwoman, releasing a surprised chuckle.

"No! Don't you see!" argued a frustrated Batman as he held up a black camera, "Harley is the killer and she's really a man! But no one will believe me! So I am going to prove it with my Bat-Camera!"

Catwoman swiped his camera away and gave a stern talk to the Bat. "Batman, I don't approve with nonconsensual peeping. Sure, I do it all the time! But not with picture cameras."

"Fine, fine," growled Batman, "When she gets here, she'll undress in front of you and you can prove that…"

"Batman…are you…trying to frame the competition?" questioned Catwoman as she pressed his camera on his chest.

"No! I really do believe that she's the killer…and a dude!" argued Batman in fury, "It is obvious! Why? Because I know it!"

"Batman! Batman!" she yelled out as he continued to ramble on as a madman, shaking his shoulders and giving him a slap to the face, "Knock it off! Harley is a chick, I know!"

Batman's brow raised at that comment, Catwoman groaned and shook her head. "Listen, it's my fault for showing you Sleepaway Camp, I didn't know it would screw you up so damn much! That ending WAS pretty traumatizing."

She walked over to the mirror and sat in front of it. "Now, if you excuse me, after Bane, I'm next." Batman grumbled as he made his way to the door. Catwoman took a glance at his back, she smiled as she turned around and said, "Hey, I need some help putting moisturizer on my back. You mind."

Batman stopped and looked at her nervously. "Uh, well, I can't…I have melanoma."

She scoffed with offense, so she shot her whip out and grabbed his arm as he reached for the door knob. "Batman…did I do something wrong? Because you've been avoiding me ever since I got here. Did I say anything to upset you…again?"

"No, no," replied Batman as he shook the whip off, "I told you, I have melanoma!"

"Okay, what is melanoma?" interrogated an annoyed Catwoman. Batman looked at her for a while, before he quickly left the room. She growled with annoyance as she tended to her make-up, only to see Joker stand right behind her. She was both frightened and not amused.

"Batboy is insecure," said the Joker calmly.

"…Excuse me?" she let out.

"Ugh, I wondered if the Batboob would get some balls and tell what is in his mind, but he is so horrible with girls. Men are really his forte," sighed the Joker with hope, then revealing with a serious tone, "He thinks you are like many of guys you had before. Without love or care, since it IS an open relationship and all."

"Screw you Joker," growled Catwoman as she put on her lipstick, "Batman doesn't think that…right?"

"Come on, Selina," chuckled the Joker as he grabbed her lipstick and put some on his lips as well, "You kissing guys is a combo, you flirt with nearly everyone, and you live with cats."

Catwoman gave him a confused glare. "What does that last part-"

"Never you mind," sighed the Joker as he got up and tossed his lipstick into the trash bin, "I'm just a crazy clown without a plan. What the hell do I know? Nothing, that's what. Now, if you excuse me, I need to get my singing voice ready, I'mma gonna sing me some Peaches!"

As he walked away, Catwoman thought for a second, then turned around and asked, "How did you get in here?"

"Oh, Harley gave me a key in case I get frisky," replied the Joker as he held the door open, "Gotta go! Titties!" Catwoman stared at him with confusion as he slammed the door closed, leaving her to gather her own thoughts of Batman's feelings and the fact Joker has a key to a place with naked women…

Suddenly, the Joker opened the door, giggling a fit, saying as best as he could, "You gotta listen to Bane's song!"

* * *

><p>"I whooped! Batman's ass! I whooped! Batman's ass! I whooped! Batman's ass! I whooped! Batman's ass!" sang Bane with humor, leaving a whole stadium of laughing audience members. Even the judges were laughing hysterically.<p>

Batman, however, was not amused as he stood behind the curtain, giving the Man Who Broke The Bat a death glare that could boil water.

"Rock over London! Rock over Chicago!" finished Bane, "Nostalgia Critic, superhero of criticism." He waved his hands and got off the stage as the audience clapped their hands wildly in awe and impressed attitudes. It was obvious what the judges thought of his song, it was funny as hell. It's funnier if you look at it the right way, it's a comic book thing.

"That wasn't funny," growled Batman as Bane walked past him.

"It was a little funny," chuckled Bane with amusement.

"Okay, okay," chuckled Superman, "We have next Catwoman with the song she sang during her audition. A little unorthodox but, I'll allow it."

"Like you have a choice," heckled Haruhi under her breath.

"Watch your mouth, missy," threatened Superman, "Or I'll send you a one-way ticket to Apokalips…via me, throwing you like a Frisbee."

Catwoman stood on stage wearing a long black dress, the room was silent as she stood there. The song stared, and she began to sing what her heart says.

"You look so fine…I want to, break your heart and give you mine. You're taking me over. It's so insane, you've got me tethered and chained. I hear your name…and I'm falling over," she sang out with an emotion of sadness and longing, "I'm not like all the other girls. I can't take it like the other girls. I won't share it like the other girls. Like you used to know…"

Batman just stood behind the curtains with awestruck at how much of a singer Catwoman can be, especially with ones with such sadness and soft cold moods. As he was stuck in awe, Joker wheeled over next to Batman riding on his roller-skates, resting his arm on his shoulder as he smiled and looked as well.

Batman frowned and was displeased, "You sure know how to ruin a moment."

"Mhm," sighed Joker happily. Even though Joker butted in riding on roller-skates, this did not deter the overall performance of Catwoman's cover of **You Look So Fine** by the simply epic band of Garbage. There were even a few crying teenagers, and John Constantine was crying too. Superman was recording it with his Super-Phone…yes, Superman does that too.

"Let's pretend, happy end. Let's pretend, happy end. Let's pretend, happy end. Let's pretend. Happy end," finished Catwoman with her eyes closed, leaving a crowd of cheering fans as she sighed to herself.

"You better say something," said Joker calmly as Selina was judged with perfect scores, what can I tell you? Ass-kissery, Superman as Bruno Tonioli, and Hector Hammond crying like a little girl.

"Say what?" growled Batman.

"Tell her how you feel!" groaned the Joker, "Jeez, you are so good with men, yet you are terrible with women." With that, Joker scooted away with a wave, leaving Batman to his thoughts.

"…Hey!" shouted Batman, just getting that last part of what Joker said.

"Gotta go! Heheheh! After Harley, I'm gonna sing **Fuck the Pain Away**!" giggled the Joker, "Just my song! Nyahahahaaa!"

* * *

><p>Later after Joker's heavily censored song, and Harley's not so censored song. It was a song about stalking, take a good guess, there are a hundred.<p>

"Well, you were all very good," congratulated Haruhi, then giggling and pointing out with joy, "But Bane's was simply funny. You cannot deny that!"

Bane chuckled as Batman growled in anger. Superman nodded and said, "But, sadly, we will have to let go three of you wondrous-"

Suddenly, Catwoman raised her hand, confusing everyone in the theatre. "Um, yes, Catwoman?" asked a confused Constantine.

"Yeah…I'm bored," she said simply, "I forfeit, I'm bored of this contest now." The judges looked at her with shock and surprise, along with the audience and four out of five of the contestants. Joker was on his iPhone playing Tetris, humming the tune to himself as he did so.

"Um, okay…" replied a confused Haruhi, "Well, one contestant down, so…" Suddenly, Green Lantern ran to the stage, huffing and puffing as he was out of breath.

"Sorry, Sportsmaster was raiding a Zumiez," he breathed out, "What I miss?"

"Oh, Catwoman forfeited out of boredom and we were about to throw out the Riddler," said Superman with a shrug.

"What? Why!" yelled Riddler angrily, shaking his fist at the judges.

"Because you stole my sub-sandwich from the refrigerator!" yelled Superman angrily, "It had my symbol on the wrapper! How could you NOT know it was for me?"

"And besides, we need to get rid of SOMEONE and you were one of them," added Haruhi, "So, g'bye, thank you, come again another day."

Riddler growled and stomped his foot, walking away as he grumbled to himself of starting a rap band with a couple of gay guys…I don't know why about the gay guys but he apparently has an idea.

"Now, it is time for this!" announced Green Lantern, "Who is the next to leave Gotham Idol? And this person…"

He then gave a dramatic pause as the rest all began to sweat with anticipation, foreheads were sweaty and armpits wet.

"…Will be revealed, after these messages!" announced Green Lantern, with everyone groaning in annoyance, nobody likes a cop-out.

* * *

><p><strong>Mr. Freeze Ice Cream Ad<strong>

Hi, I'm Mr. Freeze! Come down to Mr. Freeze's Ice Cream Store for Father's Day. If you bring your dad, I will give you Choco the Ferret. Yes, Choco the Ferret, an ice cream cake in the shape of a Ferret. With realistic Hershey ferret droppings and whipped cream rabies foam.

And if you act now, you get 35% off of Joker Puss. An ice cream cake based on the Joker himself. Comes with smaller cakes based on Jason Todd, that Robin he killed some time ago. And it also comes with a toy, a gun. Not a fake one, a real one. Nobody plays with **fake** guns. That's stupid.

So come on down to Mr. Freeze's Ice Cream Store, and I promise I won't freeze you and steal your organs without telling you.

See you soon, whether you like it or not.

* * *

><p><strong>COMMERCIAL TIME OVER!<strong>

"Wow, not many sponsors," scoffed Haruhi with nonamusement, Constantine shushed her as the show went back on.

"Alright, welcome back to Gotham Idol!" announced Green Lantern, "And now, to the eviction of the house guests…sorry, I mean sacking of one of our contestants." Hal Jordan thought for a second that he was on Big Brother.

With a great dramatic pause, he opened an envelope slowly, unneedingly slow. He pulled out a letter and spoke these words that I will tell you now.

"Harley Quinn!" announced Green Lantern.

"Yes!" roared Batman as he raised his arms out, he looked around to see all eyes on him. He put his arms down as a way to show sportsmanship…even though he already bunked it up.

Harley was devastated, she began to walk away slowly with her head down and not saying a word. Pouting a bit and planned to cry when she got back home. Suddenly, Haruhi ran up and whispered into Green Lantern's ear, who nodded with confusion, then sighed in annoyance.

"People! We have some news!" he called out, "Apparently the producer of this show doesn't like odd numbers, so Harley Quinn is back in the race!"

"WHAT?" yelled out both Batman and Harley Quinn, and while Batman's was an expression of shock, Harley's was an expression of hope and happiness.

And then all of a sudden, a beehive fell on Green Lantern's head. Yep, just like that. A beehive. On Green Lantern's head. It fell on it.

"Aaaaagh!" he screamed in pain, grabbing at the hive as bees flew around and stung him, "My god! Bees! Bees! Bees from the Sinestro Corps! AAAAGH!" True enough, the Corps symbol was on the hive. He ran away from the stage as from the silence of the audience, was a non-stop laughter. It was Sinestro, eating popcorn as he pointed and laughed at Hal Jordan's pain and misery.

"Oh my goodness!" gasped Harley Quinn in shock, "Who could'a done that?" Sinestro was not amused.

Batman cracked his neck, then facing her and saying, "I don't know, why don't you tell us. Harley Quinn who is a man!" Everyone gave him a great long confused stare, even the Joker.

Harley Quinn twitched her eye in annoyance. "When will ya get over this crackpot idea that I am a man!" she yelled angrily, "I am as much as a woman as Joker is a psychopath." Joker sighed with flattery.

"Enough of your games, Miss Quinn!" interrogated Batman as he circled her, "If you are really a woman…as you claim to be…then this will not hurt!" Without a moment to waste, he reached out and grabbed her hair, yanking at her pigtails roughly. She yelped and cried in pain with every tug, Batman desperately trying to pull off a wig.

He stopped and breathed angrily, Harley grabbing her head in pain. "Okay, that wig is on a little tight," grumbled Batman as he stepped in front of her, "But it would be a little hard to fake…THESE!"

And then, he grabbed her top and promptly ripped them off, revealing her black and red bra covering her loverly breasts. Batman stared at them in disbelief, then turned away while an embarrassed Harley Quinn covers her chest from peering eyes…including Joker's.

"Okay, breast augmentation is an easy thing to do," Batman desperately tried to explain himself, "But…it would be impossible, to tuck in…BIG WILLY!" And with that, he simply ripped her shorts off, to reveal the devastatingly embarrassed Harley Quinn in her red/black underwear, utterly destroyed on camera. Everyone was shocked at Batman's behavior, except for one person.

Batman stood there in embarrassment as he scratched his chin. "This…uh, this could be a problem…"

Then, the one person not shocked, the Joker, walked over to Harley Quinn, picked her up and carried her off to somewhere…solitary…

Receiving glares from most of the people in the auditorium, with a dead silence in the air, he scratched his head and said to the camera guy, "I think we can call this a night, right?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Batman did not find Captain Winkie!<strong>

**And now, it's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIAL!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Harley Quinn AKA Harleen Quinzel

**Voice Actor:** Tara Strong (Damn was I in love with her performance as her in Arkham City. Hottest. Harley. Ever.)

**Description:** She has a petite form with pale skin, blonde hair, blue eyes, freckles on her face, and a gap in her front teeth. Her short hair is arranged with twin pigtails with each pigtail dyed by the spiky edges of her tails, her right side black and left side red. She wears a red/black tank-top with spaghetti strings and a ripped bottom that shows off her stomach. She also wears red/black shorts that are not as short as the ones from the DCnU, but are short…I'd say just above her knees. For footwear she wears red and black leather boots and long red/black striped stockings. She has fingerless red/black gloves that also reveal a patch of the back of her hand. Her whole outfit has a diamond pattern like the others, I'd be shot down if it didn't. Harley has her entire face covered in white make-up, with black eye-makeup and red lipstick.

**Likes:** Her Mr. J, Poison Ivy, Candy, Playing, and Blowing up things

**Dislikes:** Batman, Fish, When Mr. J beats her


	32. Sleepaway Idol IV

**The Banana Slug: Sorry for the wait, computer issues and what-not. All I need to do is get my computer from warming up so much…don't know if it's dust, faulty fan, or just uncaring Mother Nature that crap-guzzling whore! I hope you die, Mother Nature! You go to hell and DIE!**

**Sorry, anyway, prepare for the last part of the "Sleepaway Idol" Arc as the killer is revealed! Is it Batman? Is it Haruhi? Or was it really Harley Quinn all this time?**

…**No, it's not Harley Quinn. There, I spoiled the whole story. :D**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 32: Sleepaway Idol IV**

**AKA (Insert Name Here) is the killer and he's/she's really a boy/girl!**

* * *

><p><strong>The Final Day<strong>

Batman walked down the halls of the stadium, with the large windows showing off the land from the third floor. He soon spotted the Joker, reading a copy of Heavy Metal, the magazine full of boobs and aliens…and boobs.

The Bat walked to the Joker calmly and asked with a quick tone, "How's Harley?"

"Oh, fine," he responded with a shrug, "She gets over things quite easily. Heh. Maybe that's why our relationship goes so well."

"Joker, tell me the truth about Harley Quinn," demanded Batman as he glared at his nemesis, "She's the killer and she's really a man, right?"

"Oh Batman, you are soooo wrong that it is not even funny," groaned the Joker, "Harley Quinn? A man and a killer? Lemme tell you one thing, I'm the criminal mastermind, I'm the man, and judging by our rampant sexual behavior, then I know the truth that she is a she, and not a he."

"Don't give me that crap!" yelled Batman as he grabbed his collar, "I know a criminal mastermind when I see one!"

And then, from the windows, was Harley Quinn, riding on a platform as she looked through the windows at the two archenemies.

"Hey! Mistah J!" she called out with joy, "You gotta try these things! Hehehee! It's fuuuun!" Then disappearing to the next floor. Joker gave Batman a condescending glare as the Dark Knight looked away, releasing his grip of the Clown Prince of Crime.

"Batman, beneath her adult form is the heart of a 12 year-old with ADD who knows way too much about sex and violence," said Joker with a grunt, "I doubt that such an example would be able to pull this off. Now Harley is a good girl, but she wouldn't be able to do all this carnage without making it obvious."

"How so?" questioned Batman.

"Well, she would most likely slip up and reveal it with one sentence, or would do such acts in front of **everyone**," explained the Joker, "The irrefutable truth is that Harley Quinn can't be the killer because she's Harley Quinn."

"…But…I can't be wrong," grumbled Batman with fury, "I'm Batman!"

"I know, cupcake, I know," sighed the Joker as he patted Batman's shoulder, "But the truth is…the Bat…has been bunked. Simple-E-That." With that, Joker walked away with a swagger, with Harley Quinn still playing on the platform, going up and down as she giggled and went, "Wheeeeeeee!"

Batman gave her a dark glare and was on his way to his dressing room, only to be repelled by Bane, who was lifting a bench full of female fans…and Hector Hammond, who screamed like a girl. If it had anything to do with that wacky stalker, he didn't want to do anything about it.

Suddenly as he walked away, he bumped into Catwoman, who quickly backed away and glanced away from the Dark Knight. Batman did the same.

"Oh, hey Selina," grunted Batman nervously.

"…Bruce," she breathed out slightly. A great awkward silence followed, no words were given for quite awhile.

"So…uh, break a leg," let out Catwoman bashfully as she gave a forced smile and playfully punched his arm.

"Oh…thanks, I will…in the metaphoric sense," chuckled Batman with sweat coming down his brow. And wouldn't you know it, another awkward silence.

"…Look, I gotta go," she groaned as she rubbed her arm, "…But I'll, um, be cheering for you, 'kay?"

"Oh, thanks!" he said with a nod, he then reached out and gave her an awkward hug, she didn't move and only groaned with awkwardness. This is awkward.

When he let go, she waved at him quickly and rushed away, muttering to herself negatively. Batman watched her walk away as Harley was hanging from the platform, kicking her legs as she hung on like a fat kid on the monkey bars.

"Crap, the Joker told her," he groaned out in misery.

* * *

><p><strong>The Final Four<strong>

This was it. The stadium was packed with people as they got ready for the final round of Gotham Idol, with Bane, Batman, Harley Quinn, and Joker the only ones left for the ultimate proof of talent…perhaps. The judges sat at their stations as Haruhi doodled in her notebook, Superman stared at a bird that looks suspicious, and Constantine was drinking a glass of wine calmly.

Green Lantern flew down, covered in bandages from the bees of the Sinestro Corps. "And now, welcome back…to…Gotham…IDOL!" he announced with a loud voice, cheering fans diluting all noise, "And let us see, once and for all…who…has…TALENT!"

"Get…on…with…IT!" shouted Superman smugly. The audience agreed.

"Fine!" yelled Green Lantern angrily, who then spoke to the crowd with false joy, "And now, we will start with Bane…who will sing us a serenade. **Hero** by Enrique Iglesias. Let us pray for this god among men."

Bane stood in front of the stage as he took a deep breath, then singing to the stadium with that sexy Latin voice of his. Not only was Bane a master criminal, unstoppable juggernaut, a fountain of intelligence, and a bat-breaker, he was also the King of the Latin Song.

"I can be your hero, baby!" sang Bane as the crowd swooned and screamed like the fan girls they were, "I can kiss away the pain! I will stand by you forever! You can take…my breath away."

With Bane's singing, he converted all Edward and Jacob Twilight fans into one single fanbase…the Bane fanbase. Yes, all them teenage girls are now attracted to a manipulative luchadore that uses steroids and likes to break innocent vigilante's backs.

He took one last breath as he sang the last verses with epicness, "I can be your hero! I can kiss away the pain! I will STAND BY YOU! FOREVER! You can take…my breath away. You can take…my breath away! I can be…your hero…" If only thou could hear what I am hearing, would thou understand. But ye do not. Nave.

Such epicness left the crowd screaming with cheer and lustful want of his massive muscles. They wanted his muscular arms around them, caressing them…lovingly…without him breaking them.

"Amazing! Such a hypocritical song yet so sexy and calm," said Constantine with a smile, "I could never see you a hero, but a sex machine…yes…definitely."

"Definitely," added Haruhi as she smiled with joy, "I just want to pack you into a little itty-bitty square and eat you like a Starburst!"

"Fangasmic! You are like a Latin tiger! Lunging at my throat with song! Making the deep part of homosexuality in heterosexual men want to NUZZLE in you muscular arms!" praised Superman wildly, "You must sing! That is your destiny!"

Bane chuckled and nodded with this praise, but his one goal is to break the Batman…in musical challenge.

"And next," announced Green Lantern loudly, trying to get his voice across the screaming fans, "And next, we have the Joker…and his song, **Only You**. The Platters." Oh boy, here comes some sniffles.

Joker pushed Lantern away and stole the mike from Bane, with the band playing the tune as he began to sing a song that makes us all cry thinking about it.

"Only yooouuu! Can make this world seem right! Only yooouuu! Can make the darkness bright!" sang the Joker with a soft yet sad tone, "Only you, and you alone, ca-an thrill me like…you do. And fill my heart with love, for only. You!"

A mass amount of the crowd began tearing up, crying softly at this song as the Joker sang to them with such sadness. He planned this even, he knew how much sadness it would bring for him to sing such a song due to his connection with it…bastard.

"You are my destiny. When you hold my hand, I understand. The magic that you do!" finished the Joker, leaving a crowd full of sad fans, "You're my dream come true. My one. And only. You!"

The three judges, sniffling and wiping their tears on their sleeves, were greatly moved by his performance.

"That song…brings back memories," whined Haruhi sadly.

"I hate you…but that was sad," sighed Superman sadly.

"I bloody love you, you damn clown!" sobbed John Constantine. Bane and Batman looked at each other, knowing they were pretty screwed at this moment.

"And now…" let out Green Lantern, wiping the tears from his eyes, "We have…Harley Quinn…singing…**Come Over**." He then stopped crying and released a flat-out, "Wait, what?"

She stepped forward and took a deep breath, microphone in hand as a slow beat began to play. "My husband's gone, he's left for work. I've taken off my top and my skirt. Oh oh oh oh…oh, come over. I've done my chores, I've swept the floor, you make me wet when you come through the door. Oh oh oh oh…oh, come over."

This song began to turn the Joker greatly on, who was bobbing his head to the beat. In his head, he was picturing Harley in an adulterous affair behind his back with Black Mask…while he watched from windows with great pleasure.

"When yoouu come over! We will make love all…afternoon!" sang the cute and sexy Harley Quinn to her adoring fans, "When yoouu COME OVER! We will make love and kiss and hug and do things we shouldn't do!" With that, she sang the last parts of the song, which were complete gibberish but still quite enjoyable. With the crowd cheering to her just as much as Bane and Joker, Batman seemed to be screwed.

"Not a fan of the song," criticized Constantine, "I'd rather you use a mainstream one instead of that, but in all retrospect. You made it work somehow."

"Oh I agree!" loudly applauded Superman, "I love the song! I love the rhythm! And I love you! You have stolen our hearts! Dr. Harleen Quinzel!"

"And you will be expecting me to Come Over after the show!" added Haruhi loudly, Superman and Constantine both shifted their attention to Haruhi, as she always does.

Joker nudged Batman's shoulder, saying with a hiss, "Beat that, Bat-Boob."

Usually, Batman wouldn't be intimidated by his snarkiness, but he looked to see Harley Quinn turn around and stick her tongue at him mockingly. It was then, Batman knew, he had to destroy this woman who he was sure was a man. He had to destroy Harley Quinn, with rock.

He walked over to the stage calmly as he grabbed the mike as a bat-pod landed next to him. He reached inside and pulled out a black bat-shaped guitar from inside, walking to the edge of the stage as more bat-pods landed to create a light-show from behind him.

His fingers played his bat-guitar wildly as the sparks flew from the pods, blowing the minds of the judges and the crowd. Even Bane, Joker, and Harley had their minds blown by his display of rockness.

"God gave rock and roll to you! God gave rock and roll to you! Put it in the soul of everyone!" sang the Batman, singing what best compares to his epic level, by singing a song from a band the great and fabled doom-mages of rock and roll would call…_**KISS**_.

Winds of rock would sweep from the stage to the stadium, blowing away the many who were skinny and anorexic. Hector Hammond's skin was blown away as he screamed like a little girl, killing this running gag **once and for all**. The hairs of the judges were swaying in the rock-wind as they stared in a state of fearful admiration to the Batman in his state of rockitude. Gerard Jones said Batman hates rock'n'roll, and after today, he has the right to shut the fuck up.

As he played a guitar solo, a storm of panties rained down upon him, for he has deserved them. Pink ones, red ones, black ones, white ones, ones with kitten paws on them, ones with Spongebob coloring on them, even one or two granny panties. He looked to his left to see a pair of red panties float next to him, he knew who's panties they were. And so, he reached out and grabbed them, tucking them into his belt as he finished his epic song as the rest of the crowd sang with him.

"God gave rock and roll to you! Gave rock and roll to you! Gave rock and roll to everyone! God gave rock and roll to you! Gave rock and roll to you! Put it in the soul of everyone!" he sang loudly as the lights dimmed before him, finishing his song as he knelt in front of everyone, like the Dark Knight he was.

The judges were frozen in awe, not saying a word as they sat there motionless before Batman, even the sour John Constantine was blown away by the Bat.

"…I came," let out Haruhi.

"So did I," grunted Superman.

"Me too," gasped Constantine, "I believe we've found a winner." The other two nodded with wide grins as they gave the thumbs up.

"So, it is a proven fact!" announced Green Lantern as he patted Batman's back, "Batman! Is! Epic!" The crowd cheered so loud that the sound barrier was broken, even people at home were cheering from the spectacle…except a group of girls who were screaming with disappointment since they wanted Bane to win the competition and now were an internet funhouse.

Harley Quinn sniffled before full-blown crying as she ran out of the stage. Joker looked over and yelled out, "Harley! Get back! I need someone to cry with!" And so, the Joker ran after her, crying as well…wow.

Bane roared in anger as he slammed his foot on the floor. "Damn! How could this get any worse?"

Suddenly, the lights turned off from the stage, leaving a lot of confused people. The lights quickly turned back on, revealing a sight that shocks the audience, Green Lantern, judges, Batman, and most of all, Bane.

"Osito! NOOOO!" screamed Bane, as he looked at the slaughtered remains of his teddy bear, stuffing everywhere with his head on a pencil. Bane ran over and knelt over his teddy bear's corpse, moaning with agony and sorrow.

"Who done this?" gasped Haruhi in shock.

"I'll tell you who!" called Batman triumphantly, "It is Harley Quinn! She burnt Pyg, damaged my Robin, stung Green Lantern with bees, my god, and most of all, is the one who said those lies that I hate rock and roll!"

"Let's get that awful woman!" yelled Haruhi as she got up. Constantine was quietly getting his things calmly.

"Yes! We cannot let such injustice get away so easily!" bellowed Superman triumphantly as Constantine got up and walked away, knowing his job…is done.

"What about me? Can I help?" asked Green Lantern with a shrug as Constantine walked out of the exit.

"No, we're fine," grumbled Batman with a sneer. Green Lantern hissed to himself as he flew away from the stadium. Batman turned to the mourning Bane and asked, "Do you wish to avenge your bear's death?"

"Sadly, I cannot, I must monologue Osito's death," he replied, he then took a deep breath and said, "What cruelty of man…drives him to kill a teddy bear…what lies in one's heart to slaughter one of God's small children? Unheard of! Simply! How dare they! But what can we do? Shall we spill more blood? Shall we kill more? I say, no. The blood of such person will do nothing to bring him back. And so, I say goodbye…Osito. Sleep now. Sleep forever. Sleep for me. And dream. Dream of love…"

As he monologued, everyone already left the stadium.

* * *

><p><strong>The Final Countdown<strong>

Harley ran over to the pool outside and wept into her hands, crying loudly as the Joker strolled over to her, apparently he got over it.

"Oh Harley, I can't stand to hear you cry," sighed the Joker as he pressed his hand on her shoulder, "It was obvious Batman broke the rules…somehow."

"Oh, Mistah J," she sniffled out, tears running down her eyes as a drop of snot fell from her cute little nose, "Ever since I was a lil' girl, I wanted to be a singer…but now, I'll never ever ever ever ever ever ever get that chance ever ever ever again! It really bugs me! Since I used so many evers."

"Yes, yes I heard," groaned Joker in annoyance as he patted her shoulder. He turned around and walked slightly away, thinking to himself. He sighed happily and turned back around, asking Harley with a pleasant tone, "Y'know what, I'm a nice guy. Let's do something you want to do. Anything. Just name it."

"Well…there is something," she let out, wiping the tears from her eyes with her arm, "I'd like to go swimmin', in this here pool."

"Really? Well…" groaned the Joker, quite unsure as he scratched his back, "I dunno, I'm not wearing my swim trunks. Our clothes will get wet."

After that, a smile slowly appeared on Harley's face, a smile not shown to Joker as she grabbed the straps to her top. "Take them off," she answered to the Joker.

Joker looked at her with surprise, then smiled as he yelled with joy, "Okay!" And with that, he began to quickly take his clothes off as Harley slowly took hers off…

**MEANWHILE**

Batman, Superman, and Haruhi raced backstage and were met with three hallways. He looked at both of them and said with a fat grunt, "You know the drill, we split up!"

"Alright, I just hope this doesn't turn out to be Itsuki's friends doing another mystery for my amusement again," she sighed out loud.

"You and me both," added Superman, flying into one hallway as Batman went to another. As Haruhi raced down the hallway, she wondered what Superman's connection with Itsuki was…

Anyway, back with Batman, he raced down the hallway until he was leapt at by some unknown force. He roared in fear as he shook his limbs around as he was held down by this unknown apparition. "No! No! Don't make me kiss your butt!"

"Batman, it's me, Catwoman."

"Catwoman?" he let out, then saying with fear, "Don't make me kiss your butt…maybe." She groaned as she got up and pulled him to his feet, patting his shoulder and smiling at him.

"Come on, sexy, let's go get Harley Quinn," she said, then leading the way as he followed her.

"Wait, you believe me now?" he asked with confusion.

"Maybe, just maybe," explained Catwoman as she looked at him, "Thinking about it, she could be the most suspected person to be the killer. You keep on yammering on about her like she's the killer, and no one would believe you, making her the prime suspect due to people not believing you and disregarding your statements. And so, she may not be a boy, but she may be the killer."

"Oh, thanks," chuckled Batman, which was followed by awkward silence as they walked. Batman groaned as he scratched the back of his head.

He took a deep breath, and said, "Selina…I have something to say…I don't get you."

"…Are you worried that you are just one of many lovers I throw into the garbage?" she asked with a raised brow, he begrudgingly nodded in agreement. She sighed with shame and said, "Batman…I used to feel the same way. I mean, underneath that mask you're Bruce Wayne, millionaire playboy that gets _**my namesake **_every waking day. I always wondered too if I am any importance in your life. If I…matter at all."

"…Oh…" he let out with a squeak, he took a deep breath and said with a sad voice, "Selina, I do care. I care more than you know. And I know if I keep you, our love would vanish. And that is why our relationship is so open, but I want you to know that none of the other girls matter more than you. You were the only one to steal my heart and never give it back. Selina…I…"

She then whipped around and pressed her fingers on his lips. "Stuff it, I already know," she replied with a smirk, "You knew they were my panties." And with that, she leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. Catwoman then walked forward, leading the shocked Batman through the halls.

As they walked, Batman said not a word, but smirked as he nodded to himself. She was the one.

**MEANWHILE**

Superman floated through the halls as he searched around, sadly some idiot thought it would be a great idea to line the insides of the wall with lead.

He floated down and looked around a large room with a single door. He gazed around and stopped when he finally saw something, something which made him gasp in shock.

"No. No!" he let out in shock, "It can't be! It just can't be!" Suddenly, an arrow shot out and hit his neck…which bounced off and he released an annoyed, "Ow."

The shooter was none other than Red Arrow, drunk as hell. He chuckled as he shot arrow after arrow at Superman, all of them bouncing off as Superman released an annoyed, "Ow." Behind Red Arrow was an equally drunk Red Hood and an equally drunk Starfire, cheering him on as Jason fist-pumped and Starfire clapped her hands and jumped up and down like a little girl.

"Go! Go! Go!" shouted the inebriated Red Hood.

"Yes! Go again, friend Red Arrow!" cheered Starfire, "Then we can have the emotional sex again!"

Superman gave them an annoyed glare as the door next to him opened slowly, with the Man of Steel looking over as arrow after arrow hit his diamond hard skin.

What he saw was Haruhi Suzumiya, who walked out with a disturbed expression as she held a curling iron in her hand. Her eyes were wide, with her cheek raised up in a molested expression, and her frown was never gone.

"Uh, Haruhi? Are you…okay?" asked Superman, ignoring the arrows hitting his back.

"…I took a small nap…and then I was held down…" she explained with disgust, "And someone…most likely Harley…took this hot curling iron…and stuck it…in a place I'd rather not say…causing some nasty burns…"

Superman looked at her with a confused brow. "Um, your nose?"

Haruhi gave him a frustrated and shocked look. "No!" she replied with anger.

"…Your ear?" inquired Superman, not getting it at all.

"No!" she reiterated with annoyance.

Superman thought slightly to himself, still not getting it. "…Your bellybu-"

"**MY VAGINA! YOU BLOCK-HEAD!**" she screamed in fury, throwing the curling iron on the floor. Superman covered his mouth in shock as the loud laughter of the Outlaws could be heard, one last arrow hitting Superman's ear.

"That's hot!" remarked Red Arrow out loud, followed by more drunk laughter from his drunk colleagues, Red Hood falling on the floor in drunk stupor. Haruhi growled at that remark and stamped her foot on the concrete floor.

"Screw! This!" she screamed, walking away as if she needs to go to the bathroom as every step caused her pain, "I! Am! LEAVING! Go find that Harley bitch WITHOUT ME!"

Superman pulled the arrow from his ear and said, "You know what, I agree. Screw this. I'm going back to Metropolis." He flew up in the sky and crashed through the ceiling, muttering to himself, "Man…after tonight, Lois isn't gonna let me leave this alone for months…oh god, what will Lex Luthor say of this?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Final Final<strong>

Catwoman and Batman walked down one final hallway, which lead to twin doors that lead outside…to the pool area. The Cat reached her paw out, pressing it against the door as she slowly pushed it open. What they saw caused them both to gasp in horror.

It was Harley Quinn, kneeling in front of the Joker, who was laying down. They were both naked, with Harley positioned next to the Joker yet facing away from the vigilantes. She looked as if she was rubbing him, humming to her boyfriend lovingly as he was frozen stiff, left with a creepy smile on his face that wouldn't go away. If you saw Sleepaway Camp, you knew what this meant.

"Oh god!" shrieked Catwoman, "Harley killed the Joker! Oh man! Oh god! Oh man!"

"Huh?" let out Harley as she turned her head to face them.

"Wha?" grunted the Joker as he sat up and looked at the two. Both of them were utterly shocked what they saw, Joker alive and Harley not the killer…or a man.

"Wait…you're suppose to be dead!" yelled the Batman angrily.

"Glad you cared," chuckled Joker with amusement.

"And she's suppose to be a dude!" yelled Batman in an ever-present fury. Joker looked down at Harley's lap, then at the Bat."Nope!" he exclaimed with a large smile, "You can look if you want." This made Harley nervous to Joker's amusement.

"I'm fine…I'm fine…I need to…think a bit," he let out, walking away and silently muttering to himself.

"Wait, what were you two doing?" asked Catwoman in confusion, "You looked like a corpse, Joker."

"Oh, yes, well, that's the face I sport when Harley gives me a **good old fashioned**," said the Joker with a huge smile.

"But…the humming!" she gasped out.

"I find it romantic if I hum to him," she said with a cute smile. Joker sighed lovingly as he looked up in the air.

Batman came back, shaking his head. "But it doesn't make sense, Harley is the prime suspect. What else is there?" He turned back to the two and asked, "Joker, what was Harley's secret?"

"Oh, well," she blurted out nervously, answering Batman's question for Joker, "One time I brought sausage to Hebrew school, and my rabbi didn't know it when I fed it too him, and they kicked me out. One time, well more than one time, I was watching a porno called "Play-Mates of the Apes", and got so annoyed with the lack of "Man in gorilla suit-on-girl action" that I threw the television out the window and blamed it on the hyenas. One time I told someone about Freddy Got Fingered, they said they liked it, and I lied and said I liked it too, but really, I hated it. One time, in Band Camp-"

"Never mind!" groaned Batman in annoyance, then furthering the interrogation with, "Did something happen to you? Something traumatic?"

Harley Quinn paused for a moment, then shuddering as she said with a hushed voice, "Well…there was…something that happened…two weeks ago…"

* * *

><p><strong>Two Weeks Ago<strong>

"Oh, you sound just like Mr. J when I point out things!" giggled Harley.

Poison Ivy breathed in and almost yelled, "Harley! Shut the…"

Suddenly, from the alleyway jumped a figure in a large coat as it opened up and flashed the two evil women. They both let out an ear-piercing scream as the figure quickly closed the coat and ran away in a devilish speed.

"…Who the hell was that?" whimpered a frightened Harley Quinn as she and Poison Ivy hugged each other in terror.

"I…have…no…idea," let out Poison Ivy as they slowly let go of each other and began panting loudly.

"Actually," added a still traumatized Harley, "That…looked kinda like…Scarecrow. 'Cause it had the mask, the hat, and the coat, y'know?"

"I don't know…" let out Poison Ivy, shaking her head slightly, "But I'll tell you one thing…"

"…That…was one ugly woman…"

* * *

><p>And from the shadows, popped out the Scarecrow, naked with his mask on as he was hissing and growling at them like a wild animal. He stood there like a statue as he held a knife, grinning at them with wide eyes with his mouth completely open.<p>

They all looked at him with shock, as he was naked…but a naked Scarecrow wasn't all that was scaring them.

"My god…" let out Batman in deathly fear, "Scarecrow's…a woman…"

And so, they all looked at him with fear as the Scarecrow revealed himself as the killer, standing there as he hissed and growled, showing off his new lithe yet…sadly attractive body. Rule 63 at its worst.

Scarecrow, master of fear, has proven he has deserved that title…by effectively giving us one hell of a scare…

Joker continued to look shocked along with the rest, then shaking his head and yelling out with disgust, "That's a pussy!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: And so, ends the "Sleepaway Idol" Arc. And I would love to thank Bren Tenkage for the American Idol idea. Thanks buddy. Slanks.<strong>

**And were any of you surprised the killer was Scarecrow? No? Please! It was obvious, really. I was surprised no one blurted it out that it was that obvious!**

**Seriously man, it was pretty obvious.**

**AND NOW! IT IS TIME FOR…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> The Scarecrow AKA Jonathan Crane

**Voice Actor:** Tommy Blacha (I originally wanted to do Mark Hamill, but people would be up my ass about how he should be Joker and I didn't want ANY OF IT! To those who don't know, Tommy Blacha is the guy who does Murderface, Toki Wartooth, and Dr. Rockzo on Metalocalypse, and he is also a writer on the show. So that means…Scarecrow does cocaine.)

**Description:** He wears a long black coat with many rips and holes, with the edges torn a bit. He also wears a patchwork shirt made of burlap that doesn't cover his arms. Scarecrow wears these ripped grungy black jeans, apparently he likes the Grunge. He wears these black boots that goes into his ripped jeans. Also, he wears these tan gloves, don't ask me, he likes them. And now, the mask, he wears a long burlap sack that is tightened on his head with a nose on his neck, he has these two long stitched up lines on his mask over his eyes and mouth. The stitches open on one eye for the ability to see, and the ones on his mouth move open and closed when he talks because this is a cartoon, I believe. And finally, he has a black western preacher's hat on his head, completing his scarecrow theme. He carries around a rusty scythe with a long wooden handle, with the blade long and sharp enough to cut through wood. From the mask one can see a pale white orb for an eye which for some reason shows normal eyes when he takes off his mask. He wears the mask to hide his bishonen ugliness. He's also a girl now…in case you hadn't noticed…I'm sure it's temporary.

**Likes:** Fear, Scaring people, Voyeurism, Watching you sleep, Taking your skin while you sleep, Killing people with fear, Knowledge, and Crows, lots of crows!

**Dislikes:** Fire, Bats, Batman, People calling him insane, Hipster movies, Adventure Time, and anything that makes you feel safe and warm


	33. Joker's Pants

**The Banana Slug: I overreact too much, and I hate it. When I overreact, I go womp-womp and make a small situation worse.**

**Why am I telling you this? Dunno, guess it's therapeutic in some bizarre strange way.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 33: Joker's Pants**

* * *

><p><strong>Batmobile Confessions IV<strong>

It was another Gotham night, with the Batmobile swerving around the streets as it ran past many of the cars that were too damn slow. Damn tourists.

In the Batmobile was Batman driving the car, Robin in the front seat, and the Joker hand-cuffed in the back. Joker hummed to himself as he bobbed his head left and right.

"Stand back fool, I've got a bomb!" laughed the Joker to himself, "Oh, wait…huhaha!"

"Hey, Joker!" called Robin out of the blue, "Have you seen the show Adventure Time?"

"Yes, my boy," said the Joker calmly, "It is full of that whole hipster feel-goodness we all know and loathe. Sure, I usually despise hipster crap, but Adventure Time knows how to even it out."

"Wow," cooed Robin, then stating out loud, "Batman cares not for Adventure Time, he says it causes his dark soul pain."

"It does, Robin, it does," growled out the Dark Knight.

"Oh, well, I'm sure there are episodes that fit his dark fancy," calmly stated the Joker, "And the show has given me many ideas about the whole universe of Ooo. Like, did you know that Princess Bubblegum is a horrid mother?"

"Humma-humma-huh?" gasped Robin in disbelief.

"How so, sport?" asked Batman with a very slight care.

"Well, let's look at Lemongrab," explained the Joker with a large smile, "She creates him, he screams in terror, and so, she banishes him…for screaming. Sure he's a complete douche, but it is still pretty horrid how she treats the poor abomination. And then there was that Goliad thing, After the beast threatens her **dictatorship**, she creates another child from Finn's DNA to trap it for eternity…along with the child she created…I couldn't think of a worse kind of hell."

"Jeez," grunted out Batman with a chuckle, "Bubblegum's a bitch!"

"And, with that logic, she's actually quite evil, eviler than Ice King even," rambled on the Joker, "She tries to imprison some possibly retarded cookie who wanted to be princess, or in other words, tried to steal her authority. And sure, one could say she cares for the Candy People, kinda like how Hitler cared about his German people. Like any woman, she could be faking the love. And, most of all, she broke Finn's heart up and down."

"Hey, Finn's too young!" defended Robin angrily, "She's too old!"

"Fool!" yelled the Joker as he pointed at Robin's face, "A man cannot sleep with any underage boy or girl, but a woman has a legal right to sleep with any boy younger than her, no age limit, it's the law. Deal with it, Robby-Poo. Women have more rights than you, Robin."

Both Batman and Robin both noticed Joker out of his cuffs, Joker giggled a bit as he put them back on. "Excuse me, lovers, it seems I have broken free. In any other case I'd bolt outta here, but since I am enjoying this conversation…I'll stay."

"Can I just add that your philosophy is effed up?" asked Robin.

"No," stated Joker with a frown.

"I can see how Bubblegum is a tyrant, I had a similar theory that Timmy Turner's parents are horrible people," pointed out Batman.

"That's not a theory, Batman. That's a fact," groaned Joker in annoyance, "Jeez, I wouldn't be surprised he won't grow up either hating his parents' guts or turning into an insane serial killer who has sex to a doll dressed like Vicky…I also believe that Vicky is "secretly" molesting Timmy."

"Butch Hartman hates Rule 34," pointed out Robin like a complete jackass.

"That is **his** lost, really," sighed Joker as he looked out the window, "No matter what, people are going to draw porn of his creations. Fact of life. Get over it."

"And he condemns anyone who makes Rule 34 of his art as **Not True Fans**," added Robin again, only to get bat-slapped in the face.

"What?" let out a flabbergasted Joker, then growling out, "He needs to know that if they weren't fans of his shows that there would **be** any porn art of his cartoons. He needs to accept the fact that not everyone has to be a moral uptight to like his crap. And yes, I mean crap…have you _SEEN_ **T.U.F.F. Puppy**?"

"Yeah?" replied an unsure Robin, "I like it…in doses."

"Yeah, well, he could do better with the show," sighed the Joker with melancholy, "One example is more creative villains, I mean, they got the whole animal kingdom to choose from. Pufferfish, Sperm Whale, Siberian Tiger, Black Mamba, Snapping Turtle, Kinkajou, and even the bloody Venezuelan psycho-spider from **Arachnophobia**!"

"Mind not talking about that movie?" begged Batman with fear, "That movie always messes me up when I see it."

"Of course it does, beefcake," stated Joker with a wide smile, "It is a good horror movie because it preys on our fear of spiders, seeing small spiders crawling around always gives us the heeby-jeebies. Why do you think **Eight Legged Freaks** is not more scary than it is funny? And it has succeeded in that. Which is why that movie is one of David Arquette's best work!"

Robin and Batman were silent as the Joker smiled triumphantly. Robin rubbed his hands, then turning around and saying to the Joker, "You're kinda wise."

"Shut up, bitch, I know it," giggled the Joker, then continuing with his sermon with, "Any the who, since we were on the subject of Fairly Oddparents, I'd like to point out that the boy could actually kill with his wishes."

"How?" interrogated a curious Robin, "It's against Da Rules!"

"Yes, but did the rules ever say you can't wish for a giant boulder to be conspicuously fall in the same place someone you despise is currently at?" asked the Joker with his feet tapping on the floor of the car, "It's quite simple to find loopholes, have a gun conspicuously shoot at the direction of the person you hate, have the person teleport to the inside of a volcano, or even have the person switch faces with that bitch who killed her daughter. Also, I talked to Hush about the love crap, he said all you need to do is to do some brain surgery to increase some hormones or some crap, I wasn't paying attention. Anyway, he said you could make someone go head over heels in love with you with the right amount of brain surgery."

"Yeah, and make them so horny that they'd hump a dog," butted in Batman, "I know what Hush is talking about, and let me tell you, it's not the same thing, Joker."

"Like there's a difference," scoffed the Joker, who then said with great seriousness, "I need to pee."

"Whatever," replied Batman, then turning to Robin and saying, "Anyway, you saw that **World's Dumbest **last night? On **TruTV**?"

"I need to pee," repeated the Joker calmly.

"Yeah, do you remember that one where that one lady stripped before the police officers?" reminded Robin with amusement.

"I need…to pee," reiterated the Joker. When it seemed the two weren't listening, he got on his back and began to kick the window.

"Rip Torn was in one," added Batman as he ignored the Joker, "He was cussing a storm at a bunch of them. Even when drunk Rip is a badass. He even did a fight scene for realsies once, I do believe."

"Pee…Pee…Time!" growled the Joker as he kept kicking the window with great force, which finally broke as he slid to the open window. "Gotta go! Titties!" he shouted as he flew out the broken window and tumbled around on the road, before falling into unconsciousness.

Batman stopped the car as the Dynamic Duo watched with surprise and shock. Suddenly, the Boy Wonder began laughing hysterically and was given a dark glare from Batman in response.

"What?" giggled Robin, "It happened on **TruTV**!"

"I know that, dumbass," growled an unamused Batman, "Once is enough, I don't laugh at the same joke twice, stupid."

"…But…this one happened to us," let out a nervous Robin, "Get it? Cause it…happened to us and…to him…it's funny because…"

He couldn't help but stare at Batman's dark glare, he gulped as he opened the car door and said with a stutter, "I…I…I'll guh-go get the Juh-Joker…now…"

As Robin walked out the door, Batman looked away and gave away a huge smirk. Like hell he was going to give Robin any sort of satisfaction at recognizing humor before him.

* * *

><p><strong>Nightwing Watches Legend<strong>

Meanwhile, in Oracle's apartment, Nightwing was laying on the couch as he was watching that one Ridley Scott movie, "**Legend**". He had a plate full of nachos as he watched and watched and watched, a vacant expression was on his bishonen face.

And soon, Oracle wheeled in the living room as she saw her boyfriend on the couch, lazing around.

"Have you been fighting crime again?" asked Oracle sarcastically.

"Perhaps tomorrow," replied Nightwing with boredom, "Besides, Batman and Robin have that taken care of."

"Whatever," she sighed with annoyance. As she was wheeling away, she looked at the television screen to see what he was watching, which was that one Ridley Scott movie, "**Legend**".

"What's this movie?" she asked as she tilted her head.

"That one Ridley Scott movie, **Legend**," he replied with a shrug.

"What's going on?" she questioned as she wheeled right next to him.

"Meh, some devil guy is trying to seduce that chick from **Ferris Bueller's Day Off**, I forgot her name," answered Nightwing with another shrug, "You missed the part where she was dancing with this weird black faceless thing, this movie is a real trip."

She looked at the screen again, then asking him with a question we all asked when we saw that movie, "What's with the half-naked kid?"

"Oh, that's Gump, he's some elf-kid, I dunno," sighed Nightwing, "There's a lot of shots of half-naked little people and Tom Cruise's lady-like manlegs…then again, I can't really judge, I **am** wearing a skin-tight leather outfit."

"True...true…" she said with a nod, then looking at the television with great intensity, realizing something completely new to her. With that, she quickly asked, "Is that Tim Curry?"

"As the big red horned guy? Yes, yes it is," answered Nightwing as he ate another nacho.

"…Huh…Well I'll be damned," chuckled Oracle as she took a nacho from Nightwing's plate, he was not that amused, they were his. She ate one and said, "I couldn't tell with all that make-up…but the voice is too noticeable to forget. Tim Curry just has that voice you know belongs to Tim Curry."

"Kinda like in **Stephen King's IT**, right?" inquired Nightwing with a smile. She nodded as they both watched the cult classic which is that one Ridley Scott movie, "**Legend**".

As they watched the movie, Oracle shook her head and said, "Okay, I have to say this. Tom Cruise in this movie reminds me of you a lot."

"What? Why?" scoffed Nightwing, almost choking on a nacho.

"Well, it's the skinny lady-like figure, the pretty boy hair, those silly aerobics, and that noble hunk-a-man-meat attitude," she said honestly with a pout, "Sorry, but that's pretty much Dick Grayson, Age Twenty-something in a nutshell."

Nightwing gave her a glare and a pout, then returned to watching the movie until Oracle spoke out again, much to his annoyance.

"I'm sorry, I am really friggin' confused," she admitted as she shook her head, then asking nicely, "Can we go back to the beginning?"

"Sure, this is DVR and I've watched it twice this weekend," admitted Nightwing with a shrug, who grabbed the remote and rewinded it to the beginning for his girlfriend.

"Thanks hon," she said with an angelic tone, then leaning over trying to kiss him, however she was getting some trouble getting to his cheek from her wheel chair. He sighed and leaned in closer, finally her lips pressed against his cheek and returned to watching that one Ridley Scott movie, "**Legend**".

And for a while, the two silently watched the movie with great attention. They then got to the part where Lily goes up to one of the unicorns and touches it, causing a whole cluster-fudge of events.

"Why is it so bad that one twit touches a horse with the horn of a narwhal?" questioned Oracle.

"I think they say they are sacred, don't ask me why," replied Nightwing with a loud breath, "But I want to know why Jack is so mad at her for doing it when he brought her to see them! What was he expecting her to do, it's a flippin' unicorn! Of course you are gonna touch it! Because it's a unicorn!"

"Yeah, I know, right?" giggled Oracle as she ate another nacho, "If I took you to see a unicorn, you'd touch it even if I told you not to, right?"

"Hell yeah, it's a fucking unicorn!" laughed Nightwing, "I'd touch the Dalai Lama's head if you told me not to. It's so tantalizing it's maddening."

They continued to watch the movie as it got to the part where Jack o' the Green and his band of little people all converge to the big evil tree where the big red horned guy lives in.

"Okay, I wanna know one thing," interrupted Oracle as she ate the last nacho, "What ever happened to those two goblin guys? The girl one and the pig one? When do they show up again?"

Nightwing shakes his head and answers with a slight, "Never. They just…disappear."

Oracle keeps her eyes on the screen as she puckers her lips and shakes her head with disappointment. "That sucks," she groans out, "I liked those guys. They needed more scenes, dammit."

"I agree," sighed Nightwing with sadness, "At least give them a death scene or something, so that they weren't _**completely **_pointless. Even if it's a complete cop-out, something might have been nice."

"That's why I like you, you got brains," said Oracle as she patted his head.

"I thought you liked me because I look like a Jonas Brother yet I have an actual libido to us," added Nightwing with a grin.

"That too," she pointed out with a wave of a finger, then she jumped when that scary green lake monster thing jumped out, "What the hell is that?"

"Dunno…a witch? A banshee?" exampled Nightwing as he reached for a nacho, only to find them all gone, "Possibly a hag?"

"I dunno what it is, but it scares the shit outta me," chirped a frightened Oracle as they continue to watch the movie. They soon got to the part where Jack and his troop were talking to that one goblin guy in the dungeon who wasn't really a goblin.

"Wait, I thought he was one of the bad guys," pointed out a confused Oracle.

"No, he's a double agent," replied Nightwing with a yawn, "Kinda like Batman when he's pretending to be Matches Malone."

"Oh…I guess I can see that, back when he tried to beat the devil guy in front of those goblins we never see again," sighed Oracle with a hint of disappointment, "Makes a bit of sense…"

The two watched the movie to the very credits, with Oracle patting her nerveless legs and turning to Nightwing. "When did you see this movie?" she asked him.

"Well, to be frank, Thomas Elliot introduced me to the film," revealed Nightwing bashfully, rolling his eyes and biting his lower lip.

"…Hush showed you this movie?" she let out in surprise.

"Weeeeell, he showed it to Bruce and me, when I was twelve," explained Nightwing, "Bruce liked it, I liked it, and that was a major step in Hush's ploy to be our friend…bastard."

"I think I saw this movie when I was like, four, but it wasn't till now do I remember it," sighed Oracle, she then yawned loudly and said, "I'll be in bed if you need me. Don't stay up too late."

"Yeahuh," replied Nightwing as he was switching through channels. He looked to his left and saw Red Hood sitting on the other couch while he drank a bottle of Mike's Hard. The door was broken into and had a screw-driver in the keyhole.

"That was a good movie," blurted out Red Hood.

"Get out of my apartment," ordered Nightwing with slight annoyance.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Apparently the internet doomsday wasn't much of a doomsday, more like a bombing. (:|<strong>

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> The Riddler AKA Edward Nygma

**Voice Actor:** Wally Wingert (Again, Arkham City…Sold me. He does it beautifully.)

**Description:** He is skinny, tall, and is incredibly pale. He has shaggy red hair, green saggy eyes with dark tired circles, and a bit of a stubble. He is very bishonen, but wears it with pride unlike the Scarecrow. He wears a green hoodie coat with a black inside, it has two black question marks on the sides next to the zipper and one large one on the back. Under it he wears a black t-shirt with a green question mark painted on the front. He also wears dark green jeans with black question marks on the shins, topped with black Vans sneakers covered in green question marks with green socks underneath. His gloves are black and fingerless with a patch on the palm of the glove. And for headwear, he usually wears a green bowler hat with a black question mark on the front, and he also wears glasses that show off a green transparent question mark when put against the sun in the right angle. And finally, he carries around with him a green question mark cane…the guy likes question marks.

**Likes:** Question marks (See?), riddles, being better than people, crossword puzzles, video games, computers, Starburst candy, and wanking it to internet porn

**Dislikes:** Stupid people, viruses, losing, cucumbers, and people calling him a dick


	34. BatPorn

**The Banana Slug: We live in a world where porn swims through the skies and into our computers. Everywhere you look, there's porn of everything, even that horrid show, Redakai.**

**I wouldn't be lying if I said I like the porn of it.**

**And now, we get to Chapter 34, which will be about Rule 34. The Rule that truly defines the fate of the universe.**

"**If it exists, there will be porn of it. No exceptions."**

**And so, to commemerate this chapters number, we will return to our two favorite Gotham villainesses, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy!**

* * *

><p><strong>UPDATE: I am truly sorry for forgetting the Batman Confidential. I was at a friend's house, he had Skyrim, and I was lost in a week in Skyrim. What can I say, Skyrim is like crystal meth, you can't stop and it can only be sedated by more Skyrim. IT WAS EPIC! I killed a dragon by myself, and then another dragon by myself, and then I killed TWO dragons by myself…and then the Guards at Markarth just went up and attacked me. For no reason. And my friend was attacked by the guards as well. For no reason.<strong>

**Markarth sucks.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 34: Bat-Porn**

* * *

><p><strong>Harley and Ivy Still Make a Porno<strong>

It was in the early mornings, with Harley sleeping on her futon with her butt in the air and the loud sound of snores heard throughout the cozy little apartment in downtown Gotham. Her pet hyenas nestled next to her as the sound of keys being typed were heard from the other side of the room.

At the computer was Poison Ivy, who looked as if sleep was lost from her as she typed and typed and typed. And after three months of insomnia, hard work, and constant writer's block, she stopped typing and turned to Harley.

"Harley! Harley! HARLEY!" she shouted out to her, only the hyenas heard as they looked up, then went back down.

"No, Joker…my butt isn't a balloon, don't poke it," mumbled Harley in her sleep.

"Harley! I finished the porno script!" called out an ecstatic Poison Ivy. This woke Harley from her sleep as she looked at her friend with happiness and a wide-eyed grinning mood.

"Really? Really really?" she giggled out as she jumped out of bed and looked over at the computer, "Oh, Red! We're gonna be famous! I might become the new Katie Morgan!"

"You definitely got the whole cute shtick going," shrugged Ivy as she scratched the back of her head, "Now, all we need are the actors."

"And the equipment and tech guys," added Harley Quinn.

"Yes, yes, Joker can finance the whole thing right?" asked Poison Ivy as she turned to the computer, "His men could be the staff, eh?"

"Well…yeah," let out an unsure Harley Quinn, "But, he'll want a role…I think we talked 'bout that, right?"

"Yeah," groaned Ivy in annoyance, "And we ALSO agreed I get NO scenes with him."

"Yeah, yeah, just lemme give him a call," she said happily, pulling out her red/black cellphone and calling her boyfriend.

Over at the Joker's Funhouse, said Joker was at his desk reading a copy of MAD Magazine as his cellphone began ringing the tone of "Chaccaron Maccaron" by "El Mundo". He reached down as he flipped it open and answered it with a slight, "Joker here."

"Hey, Mistah J! It's me!" called a happy Harley Quinn.

"Harley, how's my sexy little minx?" asked Joker happily as he patted his leg.

"Oh, fine! I just woke up," she replied, then grunted as Ivy kicked her shin, "Oh, right. Me and Ivy are planning on making a porno, and we'd like you to help finance it!"

"Oh…well…" replied Joker as he slouched down and began playing with the matchbox cars on his desk, "I dunno if I see that being much of a-"

"We'll let you be in the movie," added in Harley Quinn.

"-problem, my schedule is free, so I do believe having me in a porn would be quite fun to have," finished the Joker, obviously rearranging his first answer from a no to a yes. He breathed in before asking, "What kind of porn is it?"

"Oh, It's a porn parody of iCarly!" said Harley happily, she was replied with a deep silence. She tilted her head and was quite worried of this no response, "Uh, Mistah J?"

"…I get to be Gibby," said the Joker, "I give you the money and crew, as long as I am the Gibster."

"Well, I don't know if you have the body structure for Gibby," let out Harley Quinn nervously, rubbing her arm as she said this.

"It's either me or Professor Pyg," chimed in Joker teasingly.

"Sold!" butted in Ivy loudly.

"Wunderbar!" yelled the Joker ecstatically, "Tell me when and where and I will be gettin' you them supplies, my darling! I'm gonna go get ready, trimmin' my hedge for the money shots!" The phone call ended as Poison Ivy shuddered from the thought of Joker's pubes.

"Okay, now we gotta figure out one of the most major characters…Freddy!" sang Harley happily as she put her phone into her pocket, "We need a guy who's got a boyish face, a major hearthrob and all that jazz!"

"Gee, why not Joker?" sarcastically added Poison Ivy.

"Nah, Joker has a rugged and Jack Sparrow kinda look to him," corrected the oblivious Harley, then saying with her finger in the air, "We need a guy who is, lack of a better word…bishonen!"

"…Scarecrow?" suggested Poison Ivy, biting against one of those mechanical pencils.

"Meh, he's ashamed of his bishonen face, he'd never risk showing it over the airwaves," sighed a displeased Harley Quinn, sitting down with her hyenas, "Besides, he's a chick now…apparently."

"True, who else do we know has a pretty boy look and is of the legal age limit?" pondered Poison Ivy out loud.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" yelled out Harley, trying to get her friend's attention, "How 'bout the Riddler?"

"Good brain, Harley!" congratulated Poison Ivy, "We'll give him a call tomorrow, there's no way that nerd will pass up free sex."

"And money!" added Harley with a big grin.

"Right!" said Poison Ivy with a wink, "As for Spencer, and it may be a long shot, but I want Batman. I want his chin."

"Okay, if you can really," sighed Harley, already knowing Batman's answer as she hands her phone over to Poison Ivy. As Pamela dialed, Harley sighed as she looked up at the ceiling, then saying lightly, "Y'know Red, I saw 'nother porno one night ago…It was called **Play-Mate of the Apes **or some crap like that. They had pretty decent costumes, made me chuckle once or twice, but they screwed up one simple lil' thing…**No Monkey Loving**!"

"Harley, bestiality is illegal," reminded Ivy, who looked at the phone before realizing that she doesn't know what Batman's phone number is, "Crap, how the hell do I contact Batman?"

"Just text Joker, tell him to cause a bit of a ruckus," informed Harley calmly, then continuing with, "I now they can't have real monkey loving, but they are dudes in costumes. I don't see the problem with those girls having sex with them when they aren't real apes! Come on! When I see a porn-parody of Planet of the Apes, there better be some jungle-lovin' with those damn dirty apes!"

"I heard Joker has a mancrush on Caesar from **Rise of the Planet of the Apes**," said Ivy as she finished typing into her phone, not caring about her thoughts on the porn parody.

"Oh yeah, Batman too, they both agree that Caesar is a badass ape, a badape," replied Harley as she was balancing a Cola can on the back of her palm, "Any pornos that piss you off, Ivy?"

"Yes, actually," replied Poison Ivy in the annoyance at the nostalgia, "It is called **Lord of the G-String**, and it is just lesbian sex, lesbian sex, lesbian sex. Seriously! Make the hobbits chicks and yeah! Porn Adventure! And they missed so many possibilities! Nazgul gang-bang! Creature of the Deep tentacle rape! Gollum sleep-sex! Okay, maybe not the Gollum one, but I make good points!"

"Yeah, but-" replied Harley, only to be interrupted by her phone, ringing the tune of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt. With a smile, she answered it with a cutesy, "Harley Quinn here!"

"Okay…what do you want," growled Batman on the other side, standing over a beaten up Joker in the middle of the street, "Your stupid boyfriend just shot an elderly woman in the face in broad daylight and she can't afford stitches. Go."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," replied Harley Quinn, "I just need to ask if you want to be in a porno parody of iCarly. It'll have me and Ivy as Carly and Sam respectful like. You get to play Spencer."

"Spencer?" grunted Batman, then looking around and whispering into the phone, "How many scenes do I have?"

"Oh, you have a scene with a girl you have for a date, a scene with me and Ivy, a scene with Freddie's mom, then another with Neville's mom, and another with me and Ivy," explained Harley Quinn quickly.

"Oh…sorry, I can't," groaned Batman, "I am a superhero, I am above the law of porn…"

Harley sighed sadly and looked down, disappointed and depressed.

"However!" called out Batman, getting Harley's attention, "I could **possibly** get you someone just as good as me. His name is Matches Malone, meet him in the diner in front of that huge billboard for that Poppler's Penguins movie that they didn't care to take down."

"Does he have manly chin like you?" asked Ivy loudly, being shushed by Harley soon afterwards.

"And a porn 'stache," added Batman triumphantly.

"We'll take him!" yelled Harley out loud with extreme glee, turning the phone off and fist-pumping the air with Poison Ivy in sheer victory.

"We got ourselves a pornographic actor!" giggled Poison Ivy, "Hot chin and all!"

"We're gonna be famous!" cried an overly-emotional Harley Quinn, then shouting out into the heavens, "Ya hear that, mother! My older sister Mitzy can SUCK MY TAINT! MUHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

"Calm down, calm down!" called Poison Ivy as she shook her shoulders. After Ivy stopped shaking her, Harley took a deep breath and sat on her bed.

"…What about Neville?" asked Harley curiously, "And Lewbert? And T-Bo?"

"One step at a time!" groaned Poison Ivy, "Writing the script was the easy part, auditions are going to be crazy hard, then we have filming, editing, distribution, and all that crazy shat. We passed level one, now we are using a cheat code to get to level ten."

"…Oh…" let out a oblvious Harley, who shook her head and asked, "Wait, why don't we use the cheat code to go to the final level?"

"No, Harley, it's just an example," explained Poison Ivy.

"An example of what?" she questioned with a tilt of the head. Poison Ivy could only look at her, wondering if her mother was eating paint chips, with radioactive waste for dip along with a side of Kryptonite.

* * *

><p><strong>This Is Batman On Drugs<strong>

It was raining in the graveyard as the Batman strolled calmly through it, looking around as a flash of lightning revealed the Scarecrow for a second. Batman walked to the crypts, seeing Scarecrow stand on the top with his scythe in hand.

"Dark Knight, for whom the bell tolls!" moaned Scarecrow like a horrid ghost, "It tolls for thee."

"That does **not** make a damn sense, Crane!" growled Batman, "Now get down, or I will batarang you in the dick."

"No, no I will not!" hissed the Scarecrow, throwing his hand out at the Bat, "When I am done with thou, you will-"

"Thou? When were you a knight?" mocked Batman with a smirk, "What are you? Sir Suck filled with Hay? If so, then I am the Duke of Bats! And I decree your face shall be executed!" Batman leapt up like a tenacious jaguar, his cape flying as he sent his fist forward to beat the living crap of his scary foe. Scarecrow simply held out his hand and a mist of pale gas sprayed from his wrists and onto the face of the Bat, as he fell to the mud and coughed loudly with much phlegm in his throat.

"You are the dragon, Batman," hissed the Scarecrow, "And I am the Dovahkiin. Fus Ro Dah, motherfucker."

Batman staggered slowly to his feet, getting up as his eyes were incredibly dilated, shaking his head around in great major pain. "What…did…you…**DO**!"

"Fear toxin…duh," replied the Scarecrow with a shrug, "Now tell me, what is it that you see? What is it that you…fear?"

"I…Uh…Grr! No!" groaned Batman, getting up and seeing something in the distance, hearing the sound of his mother's voice calling out.

"Muh…Muh…Mommy?" he let out, stumbling to the sound of her voice. The sound of her voice heard louder and closer, but it wasn't words. They were moans, loud moans.

"Mom…are you…in pain?" he let out.

"Muh…Mommy's fine, honey!" moaned his mother from the distance, "Mommy's, uh, in disposed."

"Yeah! So bug off!" called back a dark and chilling voice, which was followed by a bone-trembling cackle, which went like this…

"**NYAAAAH HA HAAA HAA HAAA HA HA HAAAAA!**"

"Joker!" growled Batman, "What…you do…with mommy?"

He got closer and closer, seeing two figures gyrating heavily. Panting and moaning heard as he got closer, and then saw that which no person should ever see ever.

He saw his mother…having sex…with the Joker.

"MOTHER! NOOOOOOO!" he would scream, his heat releasing such anguish it was almost funny.

"Oh! Oh! Joker! Joker! You're such a man!" moaned his mother in heated passion.

"Ooooh, I should do this for a living! You are one kinky bitch!" laughed the Joker in a dark lust, "Now get your finger outta my bunghole!"

Batman stood in front of the hallucination of his mother riding his archnemesis like a drunk donkey in the back-alley of Tijuana. His mind began to break with shock and disgust, watching every moment with darkness and hate.

"Ooooh! Oooh! Uh! Uh! Oh, Bruce! Bruce!" she continued to moan out.

"I'm your son! I'm your son!" groaned the Joker, then looking at Batman and releasing a dark hissing addition to the freak-fest, "And I'm your father!"

"AAAAAAAGH! Mugo Nugo Figo Vigo!" Batman would scream in angrish as he squeezed his head in terror, "Why happen this to me? Floogo! Boobo! ZUR! EN! ARRH! RAAAAAGH!"

Scarecrow would laugh insanely at this show of true terror, watching Batman flail on the muddy ground as he sobbed and shoved dirt into his mouth like a wild rat. Wild Ratman.

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

Scarecrow and Penguin were at the bar of the infamous Iceberg Lounge while the two were laughing like crazy, cocktails in hand as they did so.

"Wah wah wah wah!" laughed the Penguin, "Tell me what happened next, Scarecrow. I **need** to know."

"Weeeell, after screaming about something about his mother screwing the Joker, then some crap about Bruce Wayne, I dunno, he was really out of it by then," explained the Scarecrow with slight apathy, "He got all crazy on my ass and royally screwed me up, I was in the hospital for a week. It sucked."

"I see…" said Penguin with a nod, smiling and taking a sip of his cocktail, "So, how did it feel?"

"The healing process?" asked Scarecrow.

"No, no, besting the Bat once again, tops the whole **Gotham Idol** fiasco, hm?" he interviewed with a wink.

"Nah! Almost topped it, but I burnt the Pyg, brutally injured Robin, murdered Bane's teddy bear, shoved a curling iron in Haruhi's sweet sexy lady-lips, and screwed Batman with his knowledge of Sleepaway Camp," explained Scarecrow casually as he swirled his cocktail around.

"Speaking of which," added the Penguin, raising his brow, "I wish to know if you were always a supervillainess pretending to be a supervillain. Needless to say, everyone was shocked."

Scarecrow drank his cocktail, shaking his head slightly. "That is a very interesting question. No, I was not born a woman."

"Excuse me?" scoffed the Penguin, "We all saw your pale naked body being escorted out the building. You obviously have the right parts."

"Yes, I shall explain," began the Scarecrow with a smile, "You see, in order to have the scare to be complete, I had to make a transition. So, I went over to see my good friend, Hush, and he gave me one HELL of a gender reassignment surgery. And boy, does he impress. No scars, no imperfections, hell, I even have a friggin' uterus. He's that good."

"Wow," was all Penguin could say, he quickly looked around, fiddling his fingers, "So…are you…still a woman?"

"I'm planning to get rid of my female parts tomorrow, I have an appointment with Hush in the morning," said Scarecrow, drinking his cocktail with carelessness, "Until then…I'm all woman."

Penguin then stared at the Scarecrow, biting his lower lip. Scarecrow looked at him, unaffected by the creepy vibe Penguin could give anyone. With another look around, Penguin glanced at the Scarecrow once again and said, "I'm lonely."

Scarecrow's careless grin then turned into a worried frown, he knew where this was going. And so, he took one more sip of his cocktail.

**ONE HOUR LATER**

Penguin laid in his bed, covers to his waist as he was covered in sweat and sporting the face of shame. He looked over to the other side of his bed to see the Scarecrow look at him with a devilish grin, covers covering the entire body of the transgender villain and leaving his masked head.

Penguin looked back at the ceiling again and sighed with disappointment. "Crane…this does not exit this room."

"…I want $5000 every month for the rest of my life or I tell everyone you humped me like a bulldog," threatened Scarecrow calmly.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Rule 34 in a nutshell. Harley and Ivy in some sexual misadventures, Batman seeing his mother boink the Joker, and Penguin having naughty birdsex with a Rule 63 version of Scarecrow. I'd be flattered if someone did Rule 34 art of that particular scenario.<strong>

**God Bless The Internets.**

**By the By, the Batman hallucination was inspired by a Rule 34 art that is self-explanatory. Look for it in Rule and just type in Martha Wayne and Joker, easy to find.**

**And now, after forgetting it once, it is time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Poison Ivy AKA Pamela Isley

**Voice Actor:** Cree Summer (Sexy, sexy voice.)

**Description:** Long red hair with a tuff of hair covering one side of her face, like all the anime girls do, which begs the question of their blindside. She has glowing green eyes of seduction, lips of red passion, and perfect white teeth. Her whole body is Spring Bud Green, look it up. And, like all comic book females, her breasts are immaculate and large with a hot curvaceous body. It's made all the worse to control male hormones by her apparel. All it is is what I could only describe as an "Eve-Style Outfit". Yes, she wears a leaf to cover her privates and her nipples. Her entire body covered sparcly and precariously by vines, over her soft hot body…God damn it, DC.

**Likes:** Plants, Meat, Mother Nature, Controlling men and women, Cannibalism, Possibly Killer Croc, and Harley Quinn (Possibly not in that way)

**Dislikes:** Humanity, Destruction of Nature, Vegetarians, Cold, Batman, and the Joker (She hates competition…possibly)


	35. Couple's Therapy

**The Banana Slug: Batman and Robin have a funny little relationship, it's like a married couple…but they aren't having sex.**

**Batman is off making hot adult love with Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Talia al Ghul and other different femme fetales, and Robin is having awkward teen sex with Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown…good for them.**

**But like all relationships, it has it's ups…and massive hell-level downs. This is one of them…**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 35: Couple's Therapy**

* * *

><p><strong>Batman and Robin Need Therapy<strong>

In the bathroom of the Wayne Manor, Alfred sits on the toilet as he reads the "Weekly World News", trying to drown out the noise of Batman and Robin arguing loudly throughout the house. He groaned when the sound of breaking glass was heard, he knew it was time to stop sitting on his ass and do something.

So, he pulled his pants up and walked out the bathroom, without wiping apparently. Outside the bathroom in the main hall was Batman and Robin, arguing loudly to the point of screaming.

"It's always you! YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU! It's never about me! Is it!" screamed Robin with anger as Batman stood there, chuckling.

"You say **I** am egocentric? And you are the one talking about it's never about you?" scoffed Batman like a dick, "Damn, Robin, you're pathetic."

"I'm pathetic? I'M THE PATHETIC ONE!" roared Robin as he swung his arms around, "You constantly put me down every time, never letting me get the glory of a victory because YOU are afraid!"

"The Batman is not afraid, Rubbin'. Nothing scares the Batman!" growled Batman in anger, because he's Batman.

"Why do you keep saying your name?" hissed Robin with scorn, "Are you retarded? Are you Yoda or some-" And then, Batman grabbed Robin by the collar, glaring at Robin's nervous face as his teeth bared from anger.

"Yoda. Doesn't. Do that!" he growled out with hate, "You can never do ANYTHING right!" With that, Alfred walked to both of them and swiped them both in the face, sending them both into the wall with tremendous force. I never knew Alfred was a meta-human, I'm surprised. Then again, he works out a lot.

"Enough! Enough!" berated Alfred in quite a tiff, "Look at yourselves! You're scaring Batgirl!" He pointed over at Batgirl, who was huddling over at the corner, crying softly as she held a teddy bear close to her chest…awwwww…

Batman sighed and said, "Sorry, Alfred, it's just that some of us think their unappreciated around here for doing absolutely nothing."

"Yeah?" growled out an angry Robin, "Well, some of us here think that they are the center of the entire universe because their parents are-"

"**Don't…go…THERE!**" growled an intensely angry Batman, grinding his teeth roughly. Robin had the most frightened expression as he closed his mouth in shock. We all know badmouthing Batman's parents is a no-no.

"Listen, I do believe this has escalated to an extreme level," sighed a tired Alfred, "I think you two need to seek expert help, you two need therapy…couple's therapy."

"WHAT!" shouted both of the vigilantes, shocked at what Alfred is insinuating.

"It is either couples therapy, or I will give you both a right good thrashing," threatened a calm and stoic Alfred, "Are. We. Clear?"

Batman and Robin both glared at each other, then looked at Alfred, then nodded. And then Alfred nodded, who nodded to Batgirl, who nodded back.

Then Steve Bino came out of the kitchen holding a bat-cake, he nodded as well.

* * *

><p><strong>THE NEXT DAY<strong>

The Batmobile parked in the parking lot in front a large white square building…after running over two SUVs and a Hummer. Batman firmly believes that we don't need neither.

Batman and Robin hopped out the Batmobile, and gave each other a sour look before stomping over at the building with as much distance between the two, which was a bad thing since they both accidentally walked through the wall, blind with their anger.

The two strolled down the hallways, stomping in front of a door that said, "Dr. Elliot."

Batman gave an annoyed groan in misery, "What are the odds?" With a growl of frustration, he twisted the knob, revealing a disturbing sight to both Batman and Robin.

It was an operating room, with Hush operating on a dazed person, his chest open as Hush was pulling out organs left and right. Hush looked over at the dysfunctional duo, then calling out, "You got the wrong place, man."

"Uh, sorry," let out a disturbed Batman, and as he closed the door, he said quickly, "I'll arrest you later!"

The two looked over to the other room, which read "Dr. Hugo Strange". This caused Batman to groan even louder in disturbed rage.

"You always overreact Batman!" sternly pointed out Robin.

"Hugo Strange is a bald little troll that wants to ruin me and is also Gendo Ikari's secret father!" growled Batman, "If you are at all a good sidekick like Dick, then you'd believe me!"

"Stop comparing me to Dick!" growled an angered Robin as the two walked into the room. In the room was Hugo Strange, sitting in a circle of chairs along with other members of Couple's Therapy.

There was Joker and Harley, The Ventriloquist and Scarface, Killer Croc and Baby Doll, and Two-Face. "Oh, well, please come in," greeted Hugo Strange, keeping in an amused laugh at the prospect of Batman and Robin in Couple's Therapy.

The two begrudgingly sat down, not looking at each other as the others snickered at them over in Couple's Therapy. It just reminds people of that little ol' rumor.

"Now, let us introduce us to ourselves and ask what brought us here," announced Hugo Strange, "How about our friends from NAMBLA start first." More giggles were heard as Batman and Robin both growled with unamusement.

The two got up and Batman said aloud, "I am Batman, and this ungrateful sack is Robin. I have no problems, Robin just thinks that he is unappreciated…that is not true. You have to actually do something to be unappreciated."

"Maybe I wouldn't be seen as such if you let me DO something!" grumbled a spiteful Robin.

"Because you'd screw it up!" argued Batman, "I tell you to get rid of the canister of Joker Venom, and you threw it into the dump! I was the one who had to rummage through crap to find the-"

"Okay, thanks for the update, Victor Salva," Strange sighed at Batman, shaking his head as he turned to Joker and Harley, "Now, tell me, what brought you two here?"

Harley looked around nervously, with a bandage over her nose and a black-eye on her face as she twiddled her fingers and her feet cross together. Joker just sat there lazily, his back slouched against the chair as his long feet arched, smoking a cig like a lazy boss.

"Weeell," let out a nervous Harley Quinn, then looking over at Joker bashfully. Joker sighed and flicked his cigarette away, taking a deep breath before explaining the problem.

"You see, doc, the problem is simply this, I am losing my love for the poor girl. I don't know why, but when I look at her, I see a big regret. Hell! I don't even want to have hot dirty sex with her and she has the cutest little ass in the world! I do believe you can see a prob with this, eh?"

"Correct, but, what about the black-eye and her broken nose?" inquired Hugo Strange with a nod of his head.

"Oh, that's not new," said the Joker with a shrug, Harley nodded with agreement. Everyone just rolled their eyes with annoyance.

"Okay, now, how about…you two," said Hugo, pointing his pen at the Ventriloquist and Scarface. Ventriloquist shivered with terror as Scarface sat on his lap, looking into the abyss with a deep darkness.

"Oh, well, It's just that…" let out Wesker as Scarface was looking at the man, "Well, my boss has been very aggressive lately, more aggressive than normal. He seems to be getting angered by the simplest provocations. I don't know what to do anymore!"

"Wait…this isn't the North American Marlon Brando Look Alikes!" shouted an enraged Scarface, swinging his little wooden hands around, "You lied to me!"

"I had to, Mr. Scarface!" whimpered Arnold as Scarface pressed his face closer, "You wouldn't be here if I told you the truth!"

"I outta shove a racoons down that throat'a yours, you weasel!" screamed an enraged Scarface, "I wuzza shoe-in for that Godfather Talent Show!"

"Now, now, you may kill Wesker later, Mr. Scarface," called out Hugo Strange, "But if I get one more death in my office, I will have to pay a heavy fine and go back to night school…I will not go back to night school for you, Scarface. Now, sit down or I will throw my termites at you."

Scarface gave him a glare, then sat back down, grumbling as Arnold Wesker whimpered with fear. Hugo gave a deep breath and turned to Killer Croc and Babydoll, "Now, tell us why you two are here."

"I'd be happy too," sighed a miserable Baby Doll as Killer Croc sat at his chair with a great level of embarrassment. Baby Doll then explained with great sadness, "We are in a relationship for two weeks, but he treats me so…unfairly. He won't look at me, he sometimes doesn't acknowledge me…I try to be sexy for him, but he looks at me with one emotion: disgust!"

"Oh god," groaned an uncomfortable Killer Croc, slapping his forehead.

"What is it? Why aren't you attracted to me?" questioned Baby Doll with tears in her eyes, "What do I have to do? Wear lingerie? Talk dirty? Go to town on myself as you watch from the window? I'll do it!" Killer Croc nearly barfed at those examples of creepy.

"Miss Dahl, please, I just had lunch," groaned a nauseous Hugo Strange, then turning to the final patron of today, "Now…Mr. Dent…what is **your** problem?

Two-Face sat there, annoyed and angered, with his arms crossed and staring at the floor. "I just…can't get along with myself…"

There was a great pause between the group, broken when the Joker began laughing hysterically at that. Everyone stared at him as he giggled and guffawed, falling on the floor in uncontrollable hilarity.

**STEP - 1**

All of them sat in a row as Hugo sat in a chair in front of them, holding a bunch of large white cards in his hands. "Now, I am going to show you some inkblots, and I want you to tell me what you see. Batman, you may go first."

And so, Hugo flipped the cards to reveal a inkblot. Hugo then asked the Dark Knight, "Can you tell us what you-"

"**A bat**," he replied quickly. Hugo looked at him with distaste

"…Robin, tell us what **you** see," continued Hugo Strange, showing off a different inkblot.

"I see a man's son, who feels pretty unappreciated by his father, and even though he loves him, he wishes for respect," responded Robin with a frown as he nodded.

Batman chuckled at his answer. "A bat's cooler," he added, with Robin giving him a dark glare.

"Harley, what do you see?" asked Hugo, holding out the new card.

"I see a place filled with flowers, and rainbows, and kangaroos," rambled Harley happily, "And muffins, and chocolate, and trees, and interacial gang-bangs, and-"

"Harley! We'll be here all day!" shouted Joker angrily, then yelling out happily, "Me next! Me next!"

"Okay then," let out Hugo, pulling out another inkblot, "What do you see, Joker?"

"Batman laying on the floor with his throat slit," said the Joker grimly, "Or maybe the remnants of a sensually-pleasured elephant, I can never tell these days."

"…I see…don't know what to make of **that**," let out a confused Hugo.

"What is the point of all this?" growled Two-Face, "This is crap! I came here to settle with my other-side, not look at what I see in my goddamn hanky!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Hugo Strange, "I am the goddamn psychologist around her Pizza-Face! And if you don't like it, you can kiss the tip of my bald head! Hear me? I am the mastermind! You! Are! Harvey Dent! Dumb-Face Incorporated! Now shut up!" Two-Face was promptly shutted up.

Hugo took a deep breath and turned to Baby Doll and Killer Croc. "Now, Miss Dahl, what do you see here?"

Baby Doll took a deep look and said with sorrow, "I see a poor woman trying to satisfy her boyfriend, doing anything to make her man happy."

Hugo then turned to Killer Croc, who was quite put off by her comment. Killer Croc took a deep breath, and said, "I see me labeled as a sex offender. And I don't want that kind of crime, thank you very much."

Baby Doll growled with annoyance, stamping her foot on the floor in anger. Joker let out a giggle at her misfortune.

Hugo smiled and turned it to Scarface as he chattered his teeth, showing him an inkblot with a calm smile. "What do you see, puppet?"

"…I see an inkblot," replied Scarface as he studied the blot, "It has a pattern of some strange meaning, with four goin' off like an X. Along with those, it is pretty wavy between them and-"

"Uh, Scarface sir, you're suppose to think of what the image puts in your mind," added Ventriloquist, only to be slapped in the face by a wooden backhand and silenced after a beaten whimper.

"Shut up, ya **testa di merda**!" yelled Scarface angrily, "I know what an inkblot is and what it isn't! I read Watchmen!"

"Watchmen was a book?" whimpered Ventriloquist in confusion.

"**Vaffanculo**!" yelled an enraged Scarface, swinging his arms around, "If ya say one more stupid thing, I'll wring your neck in! Capiche?"

"How about we go to, uh, Step Two," interrupted Hugo Strange, chuckling nervously as he wipes his brow with a hanky.

**STEP - 2**

"Now, our next step is…Shout Therapy," said Hugo Strange as the group was at the edge of a cliff, "You will be shouting your troubles out into the sky, having all to hear your problems and releasing all that misery from your bowels."

"I think you are going to push me off the cliff while I'm not looking, that's what I think," growled Batman.

"Tempting, but this is just too much fun," replied Hugo Strange calmly, "Now, who would like to go first? Harvey?"

Two-Face then flipped his coin, letting it hit his palm, looked at it, then said, "Nope."

"…So you are not participating?" groaned out an annoyed Hugo Strange.

"Yep," replied Two-Face.

"…Can I please have the coin?" asked Hugo as he held out his hand.

"Pfft! Like I'd fall for that again!" scoffed Two-Face with high levels of being amused, "Last time that happened they gave me cards instead and I ended up pissing myself…STOP LAUGHING JOKER!"

"I'll go first!" growled Killer Croc, pushing the giggling Joker away as he walked over to the rock, standing there as the wind blew against the scales of the beast.

He took a deep deep breath, then yelling out into the skies with the force of a thousand angry dragons, "**I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!**" He took one final breath and walked away satisfied next to the greatly annoyed Babydoll.

She growled deeply and stomped over to the cliff, yelling out, "**Screwing me will not make you a pedophile!"**

"Are you prepared to explain it too millions of onlookers?" growled out Killer Croc. He was then hit on the head by Hugo Strange's ruler, causing the beast to growl in annoyance.

"No! No talking to each other! Does not help!" he berated, then turning to the Dark Knight, "How about you, Batman? Would you like to try?"

"Remember, I have a flying cape in case you decide to push me, baldy," growled Batman as he walked past Hugo and stood on the cliff.

In a very expected way, the Dark Knight lifted his cape up and yelled into the sky, "**I AM THE BATMAN! MY PARENTS ARE DEAD! WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME! WHERE IS SHE! CRIME! DEATH! RAGE OF A BEAST! YOU DON'T HAVE TO THANK ME! I AM BATMAN!**" He then turned away from said cliff and walked back to the cliff, everyone was disturbed by the Batman's strange rambling shout-fest.

"What…the hell…was that?" let out a curfuddled Strange.

"…I work in mysterious ways," growled the Batman, putting the cape to his face. Robin simply rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Robin?" implored Hugo Strange to the Boy Wonder, only to be shoved by the rambunctious Scarface and the timid Arnold Wesker being tagged along against his own free will.

"Alright! I gots some things to shout out!" growled Scarface rudely.

"Mr. Scarface, Robin was suppose to go next!" pointed out Arnold nervously.

"Hey! Did I ask you to butt in so rudely like ya did?" growled an antagonistic Scarface, glaring at Wesker dead in the face, "I do what I wants and you are the Goombah that does what I say before I smack you a new one! Now shut up so that I can shout out at the sky!"

Arnold had his eyes shut tight, shaking and sweating, before baring his teeth and shouting to the heaven's like the great mighty Caesar, king of apes, did before him.

"**NNNO**!" he yelled out with a great echo, leaving everyone speechless as he glared at the motionless puppet in his hand.

Wesker took one deep breath, and soon began to lay into his 'master' with, "**Listen** here, you, you, **you** Goomboh! I have had it up to **here**! Up to…**here**! With **you** and your insults! You constantly put **me** down even though I follow through with every one of your schemes! Why did I do this, **you** ask? Because **I thought **we were friend! Because **I thought **that we'd share this empire of crime together! Because **I thought **you'd actually listen to me! And y'know what? **I! WAS! WRONG**!"

Getting furious, Wesker grabbed Scarface by the collar and lifted him up. "You'll never get it past that wooden block for a head that **you** ain't the center of the universe! And why would you think that at all to begin with? You can't **walk**, you can't **fight**, you can't even shoot a gun unless it is some stupid, uh, gavolt? I think…yeah, a _stupid gavolt _like me to hold your arms and pull the trigger! But **still**! I am still second best! **No**! Not second best! Third! Fourth! **Two-Hundredth**! You know what? **I'M TIRED OF IT**! When you can actually treat me with respect like you should, you can call me! No wait! Ya can't! YOU CAN'T DO **ANYTHING** WITHOUT ME!"

And with that last outburst, Arnold chucked the dummy off the cliff as he watched it fly down into the lake below, sinking into the depths as Scarface disappeared into the dark waters.

Arnold looked down the cliff with shock and terror, trembling horribly. "Scarface! Oh god, what have I done! I killed him!" he sobbed out, crying heavily, "I…I never meant to…"

With that, he took one quick leap and dived down the cliff as he shouted, "Don't worry Boss! I'll save you!" The group watched him fall into the waters, swimming around looking for his boss he can't live without.

"Pfft, all bark and no bite," groaned the Joker. Everyone nodded with his statement, except Two-Face. The coin said no nodding.

**STEP - 3**

"And now, it is time for Step Five," announced Hugo Strange as the group was all situated back in the therapy room, sitting in their circle of chairs.

"Three, Strange," growled Batman with hate. He did not want Hugo to make Monty Python jokes, they were too good for him.

"Oh yes," sighed Hugo pleasantly, "We call this session…roleplaying."

"Oh goodie!" hissed Joker pleasantly, "Me, Two-Face, Killer Croc, and Batman will be a savage yet lonely squadron of Horny Uruk-hai and Harley and Robin can be a pair of incestuous Elf siblings that are our naughty sex slaves with Hugo Strange being our leader and orchestrator of this little gang-bang, Saruman…Babydoll can be Gimli…watching from the back."

"I like those terms," said Croc with a simple shrug. Babydoll was not amused as she crossed her arms and scowled hatefully.

"Not that kind of roleplay," grumbled Hugo, much to everyone's massive displeasure.

"This type of roleplay is one where you pretend to be your partner, saying out loud what you believe that person is like," explained Hugo Strange, "This helps set an understanding for each other and being shown how you are presented in your lover's eyes. We shall start with Harley and Joker."

"Oh, oh, I do a perfect Harley!" shouted out an ecstatic Joker, taking a breath and imitating his girlfriend with a Brooklyn accent and a high-pitched voice, "Ooooh, my name is Harley Quinn! I always mess everything up with my McCheesed-up brain! No matter how much I get what is coming, I never learn anything other than how to change my skin color from Caucasian to black and red. Yet I am so sexy and cute that I can make up for it all night long!"

"Ya think I'm cute and sexy! Oh, Mistah J!" giggled Harley Quinn with a big smile on her face. Hugo cleared her throat, causing her attention to be brought to him, having her instantly remember the reason for the season.

"Oh! Right!" let out a embarrassed Harley, breathing in and saying with her normal voice, "Hiya, I'm the Joker…" She suddenly paused, looking around nervously as all eyes were on her.

With another look around, she said, trying to imitate the Joker, "I'm the Joker! I do crimes! I'm the Joker! I kill people in hilarious ways! I'm the Joker! Why so serious? I'm the Joker!" She then turned around and gave Joker a slight slap to the face, as if to imitate their abusive relationship.

"**BWAHAHAHAHAAAA**!" guffawed the Joker, slamming his palm against his face as he laughed and laughed and laughed, "That is the worst imitation of myself I have ever seen! Harley, who ever said you couldn't tell a joke to save your life was wrong. You are hilarious!"

Harley wasn't joking, and she turned away with embarrassment. "Yeah…well, I try," she said with a great amount of shame.

"If Harley Quinn can't be serious, we shall skip her and go to Two-Face," said Hugo Strange, swaying his hand to the two-faced Two-Face.

"Hi, I'm Two-Face, I am confused. Hi, I'm Two-Face, I'm confused as well," rambled Harvey Dent, "I don't know how this is going to work. Me neither. Who asked you? I did! Don't talk back to me! I can talk back at whomever I want! Shut up, you can't hold down a job to save your life. Both of you shut up! Who are you? I'm the Judge. Oh no, another split personality? Maybe. Hm. Strange. I agree."

The aftermath revealed a bunch of confused faces, hell anyone would be left speechless from that…whatever it was. "Okay…then," let out Hugo Strange.

"I hate this game," growled Two-Face to them all, "So do I. Stop butting in, Two-Face! This deal is getting worse and worse every minute! Oh great, a FOURTH personality! …I'm delicious."

"Now that we are _done_ with Two-Face, let us get to our _**Ambiguously Gay Duo**_," announced Hugo proudly, snickers heard after he made that demoralizing joke. Batman grumbled hatefully and Robin whined miserably.

"Now, Batman, mind if you start mimicking your lover?" teased Hugo again, more giggles were heard from the villainous group therapy compatriots.

"He's not my lover! …I'll go first," grumbled Batman, then taking a deep breath and began imitating with an effeminate voice, "Hi, I'm Robin. I constantly get in the way of things even though I was told to get the hell out of the way. I listen to Justin Bieber, watch My Little Pony, and eat the tops of flowers while singing about rainbows. My oh my does Batman hate it when I constantly whine about not being a part of the team when it is just two guys and a chick, and I'm the chick!"

"…Hi, I'm Batman!" growled Robin, trying to emulate Batman's dark growly voice, "I am a big jerk! I like to put my name into things that already have been invented because it makes me feel a-special. I think I am the center of the universe because I am the World's Greatest Detective, meaning I like to act I don't need help but I do. I am a dark and brooding butt-hurt that would spiral into boring grittiness and over-brooding if I didn't have anyone to talk to in my crazy hijinks."

"**Oh yeah**?" growled Batman, who sat there with his mouth open. He shut it and began to wonder to himself aloud, "…Wait…maybe you're right."

"What?" groaned a surprised Joker, who was confused along with everyone else.

"When Joker killed Jason Todd, I was so angry that I couldn't see straight before you came along…maybe you do have a purpose after all…" wondered Batman out in the open, finally getting the message, "If I am ever left alone, I go into Frank Miller-style brooding while yelling **I'm the Goddamn Batman**. And besides, you are the most fun Robin I have ever worked with. Dick always was criticizing my actions to the point of sounding like the straight man, Jason was a delinquent who smoked and was always doing his way and not my way, and Damian hasn't been introduced yet."

Batman turned to Robin, both of them smiling with warm eyes. "Robin, I apologize for saying you do nothing. You **do** do something, and that is…making my job easier."

"Thanks, Batman," he thanked back with warmness, "But you're still a jerk."

"And you're still a little whiny brat," replied Batman, with both hero and sidekick laughing with warmth. Batman turned to Hugo and said, "Thanks, Strange, I thought you were just trying to get me mad…but turns out, you really tried to help us. All of us."

"…Actually, I am not a Couple's Therapist," let out a revealed Hugo, "In fact, I'm doing all this just to kill time, the real therapist is locked in the bathroom down the hall. I needed something to do while I wait for that new Hobbit movie and this seemed like the perfect thing to help me through the horrid waiting."

"…Oh," replied Batman, then saying, "I should arrest you."

"Come at me, bro," chuckled Hugo Strange with a devious grin.

"Wait! Are you saying you can't really help us with our problems!" shouted Babydoll with tears in her eyes, "I need help! I need love! Waylon doesn't give me any of it, even though I leave myself open for it every night!"

"Yeah, that one night where you were naked on the table covered in syrup really made me lose my appetite," growled Killer Croc in misery.

"Why do you hate me?" she sobbed out, looking at him with crazy eyes and insane sadness, "Why do you feel so gross around me? I try my best! And you still look at me like the grossest thing evers!"

"What do you want me to say?" growled Killer Croc angrily, "You look like a kid! I couldn't even if I tried. It's. Just. Gross! And I eat people for a living! That is saying something, dammit!"

"Do you want me to be sexy? I can be sexy!" sobbed Babydoll, desperate and not listening to a word Croc has said.

"Please don't," whimpered Killer Croc before he was jumped on by the loli-lady known as Babydoll, pinning him on the floor as he screamed and shook his arms around.

"I may look like a little girl but I'm ALL WOMAN!" she screamed out with insane desperation, "I need your love inside me! Please!"

"AAAAAGH!" screamed Killer Croc with tears in his eyes, "No! Please! I don't wanna be labeled! I don't want to be labeled! NOOOOOO!"

* * *

><p><strong>FOUR HOURS LATER<strong>

Batman and Robin were up in the rooftops, with the Bat looking out at the street as the Boy Wonder was leaning against the pipes jutting from the roof.

"Wow…I can't believe we just witnessed a literal woman-child try to rape a big bad crocodile man," let out a disturbed Robin.

"Waited four hours to say that?" questioned Batman, then grunting with, "Bah, just as well, at least Two-Face knocked her out with the gavel, don't know where he got it, and Joker wrapped her up with silly string…even though, in hindsight, that sounded pretty pointless."

"Yeah, but at least Croc won't be seeing her for a long while," added Robin gleefully, "Since he's charging her for attempted rape and all."

"Seein' how people are being acquitted for the stupidest reasons and counting our own track record, I doubt it," growled Batman to his sidekick, "But at least we got past our hatreds…in a small way."

"That's the truth," sighed Robin with a nod, "And who knows, maybe our time with the nutty and insane Hugo Strange taught us to cherish our friendship and develop an understanding and trust to each other."

Batman glared at Robin, then saying with his dark growling voice, "Don't push it!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I have been waiting for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks for the Iron Man 3 trailer to be leaked online…but DAMN IT ALL, they love to keep me waiting!<strong>

**I wanna see the Mandarin, I heard he looked cool! Hints of Extremis, do want! Why the wait!**

**To hell with the world!**

**And now, it is time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Batgirl AKA Cassandra Cain

**Voice Actor:** Janice Kawaye (Sure, she doesn't speak much, but still, pretty voice for pretty girl. For a while, due to how infrequent she speaks, I was thinking Tom Hanks would voice her in his free time.)

**Description: **She has a skinny petite body with short yet wavy black hair, brown eyes, and her body covered in scars. Her costume is, well, a black skin-tight costume that makes her look like a ninja, with a black cape like Batman and a yellow symbol on her chest and a yellow utility belt like the last Batgirl before she got shot. Her headgear is mouthless, with black visor glass over her eyeholes which give her this faceless kind of expression, possibly to scare people but it all just increases the woobieness she emanates.

**Likes:** Batman, Robin, Chocolate Cake, Puppies, Kittens, SpaghettiOs, The Mighty Boosh, Flowers, Writing poems, Breaking criminal's bones and beating them into a bloody pulp until they are a writhing mass of flesh in great amount of pain and misery…and Bears. All in all, she likes so much that it is hard to list them all down.

**Dislikes:** Her father, Going to the doctor for a check-up (she thinks that they will fake her death and send her to the desert), and sand being thrown into her eyes. Those are pretty much the only things she doesn't like.


	36. Bane vs Shizuo

**The Banana Slug: Let us talk about Shizuo Heiwajima, the super-raging strong-man from DuRaRaRa. He is lean, mean, and in charge. He has the strength of a wild rhino who is able to punch the clothes out of any poor schmuck who thinks he's the baddest mo-fo this side of Cleveland. Dressed like a waiter and a burning hatred for Izaya Orihara, he rampages throughout the city and throws anything he can get his hands at his enemies (or sometimes bystanders).**

**Now, let us talk of Bane.**

**Bane is a super-intelligent luchadore, with the help of powerful steroids coursing through his veins. His strength is unparalleled even without taking his Venom, but when he does, he is a force to be reckoned with. Despite his strength, an idiot he is not. His intelligence is so great and calculating, he was able to deduce the Bat and wear him out with different points of attack and eventually breaking his back, severely crippling him. It takes balls and brains and brawn to be able to take down the Batman.**

**Now, how 'bout we have them fight in a battle royale! Strongest survives!**

**SPECIAL GUEST CAMEO: **_**Shizuo Heiwajima **_**and **_**someone else **_**from DuRaRaRa!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 36: Bane vs. Shizuo**

* * *

><p><strong>The Man Who Broke The Other Man<strong>

In the district of Tokyo that we know to be called Ikebukuro, there was a small diner which was housing the infamous "Man who Broke the Bat", **Bane**. He sat at a table as he was reading the manly Manga, **JoJo's Bizarre Adventure**. Bane was visiting Japan to find a person that goes by the name of Lelouch and break this Japanese Batman…unaware that he is not in this dimension at the moment. Better luck next time.

As he was reading his Manga, he heard the sound of an angry growl. This caused Bane to wince, as a sharp noise is enough to break his concentration during Manga reading time. Bane attempted to read his Manga again, only to be interrupted by another distracting noise.

"I hate this! There's too many messages!" growled the person behind him, who was a blonde-haired bartender known only as…Shizuo Heiwajima, from the show, **Durarara!**

Bane looked over at the table behind him, seeing the tall man click on his phone with anger. "Damn phone won't stop beeping! I can't read them all!" growled Shizuo with anger, "If there is one more message, I'm going to-"

"Hey!" called out Bane, turning his head to glare at the blonde-haired Japanese man, "It's just messages, no need to have a hissy fit." The masked assassin sighed and returned to his Manga, with his chimichanga waiting there for him.

Shizuo glared at Bane as he sat there, squeezing a pencil in his hand as he tried to stop from getting up and attacking this man. He might have been speaking the truth, but the truth still hurt.

Bane reached down and grabbed his chimichanga, ready to give big munches into the food of Latin kings. His teeth clanged together in front of the chimichanga, caused by the rude interruption of Shizuo Heiwajima.

"Stupid spaghetti!" growled Shizuo, running his chopsticks in the pasta, "It looks like noodles, but it's not! Why can't the Italians call them Tomato Noodles! It makes more sense! Not this spaghetti crap! Angry!"

"Who died and made you King of Italian Cuisine?" growled Bane angrily, "Now stop whining like a little brat and **shut up**! We are **all** trying to eat!"

Ban turned around satisfied, ready to eat his chimichanga. He then began to hear a chant of some kind, causing him to sigh in annoyance. Behind him, Shizuo was squeezing the pencil in his hand as he chanted, "**Kill, kill, kill, kill,**" over and over again.

"Really…you want to start something?" Bane hypothetically and rhetorically asked him in silence. With a shrug, Bane said before he got up in a huff to end this situation, "Very well then."

Bane stood in front of Shizuo's table, much to the horror and surprise of many of the Japanese patrons. "Get. Out," growled Shizuo, glaring at the table as he gritted his teeth.

"…Do you think you intimidate me?" scoffed Bane, then pressing his hands on the table and looking down at the man, "I am Bane, not some other punk you can scare off with your pathetic hairdo. I was having a nice lunch, then you kept ruining it by being a stupid little childish pussy. That's right, I called you a pussy. And why did I call you one? Because you are. You are one because you constantly have to play the emotionally stunted anime stereotype that you think is so badass, but it is not, it just makes you look like a tool."

Bane leaned in closer as Shizuo began to tremble, Bane couldn't be sure from what, fear or rage. "And no matter what you do, you will be weaker than me! Weaker than a man who hunts down heroes and breaks them. Mess with me ever again, and I will break you!" With a final screw you, Bane reached out and flicked his finger at Shizuo's pencil, breaking it in half before his very eyes. Patrons of the diner all gasped, as if this was something very new.

Bane did not care, he simply got up and walked to his table. Suddenly, he felt a fork hit his back, entering the skin as he hardly felt a thing. Bane turned around to see Shizuo stand there, glaring at Bane.

"…Don't do that," threatened Bane, turning around and walking away once again. And then, a glass mug slammed against the back of his head. The mastermind sighed and turned around, seeing Shizuo still standing there in rage.

"What is your problem!" growled an enraged Shizuo.

"A wiener like you who can't fight without throwing appliances at me because he's a big fat twat," insulted Bane with as mile on his face.

"You think I can't kick your ass?" hissed Shizuo, his fists so hard they bled.

"Come at me, bro," chuckled Bane, holding his hands out in challenge.

"That's it!" growled Shizuo, stomping towards the cocky masked juggernaut in pure anger, "I'm going to knock that stupid mask off that smug face of-"

Before he could finish, Bane sent his arm back and his mighty fist collided with Shizuo, sending the super-strong bartender into the kitchen with little to no effort. Everyone was shocked, with Bane just chuckling with a crack of his neck. He walked over to his table and took a munch of his chimichanga.

The Man Who Broke The Bat walked to the cashier, laying down a couple hundred pieces of yen. As he walked out the door, he said, "For the chimichanga and the damages, tell pretty boy when he wakes up to get a life and learn to-"

Before **he **could finish, Shizuo punched him in the back of the head and sent him flying into a semi-truck. The truck fell to its side and it seemed that Bane was defeated. However, Bane simply leaped out of the truck and ran at Shizuo, yelling at the top of his lungs, "**YOU SON OF A BITCH!**"

Another punch to the face sent Shizuo tumbling the asphalt, only to pick himself back up and rush at Bane. He jumped up and sent a horizontal kick into Bane's stomach, causing him to tumble back as Shizuo fell on his ass.

Shizuo quickly got up and ran at the masked monster with a battle growl, and soon began pounding fist after fist at Bane. The opponent simply kept blocking them with his arms as he stepped back as Shizuo got closer.

"You can't beat me!" growled Bane, "I am Bane!"

"Who! Cares!" yelled Shizuo, grabbing Bane's arms as he grabbed his. They soon were twirling around, trying to knock the other down on the floor as they both gave each other a death glare that could kill.

Bane growled and pulled Shizuo closer, giving him a hard head butt to the bartender's forehead. This sent Shizuo into a daze as he stepped back and held his hand, only for Bane to rush at him and send flurries of fists into his stomach, chest, and face. For a large man, he was quick.

One strike to the face had Shizuo spitting out blood, with the one known as Bane grabbing his neck and leg and simply lifting him up in the air.

"Now! I break you!" he roared, then kneeling with one leg out as he descended the man down. With an instant, Shizuo's back met with Bane's leg, cracking a bit.

Bane let Shizuo flop on the ground, grunting in pain as apparently Shizuo had a very strong back. He walked away as he limped a bit, shaking his sprained leg a bit.

"Damn that was a strong son of a bitch," he growled out, right before a vending machine flew out and hit Bane's back, sending the man flying out and on the asphalt with the vending machine resting on him. He got up to push the machine off his back, seeing Shizuo standing in the road, still okay and still angry.

"Impossible!" growled out Bane, getting up as he rubbed his back.

"Y'know something…" growled out Shizuo with a demented smile on his face, "I was holding back."

"Baboso!" roared Bane in Spanish, grabbing a nearby car and throwing it at Shizuo with all his might. Shizuo ran at Bane and simply grabbed the car and threw it back at Bane, who was hit in the face by the bumper of it.

He growled as he stepped back, holding his hurt chin, only for it to get more hurt by Shizuo's fist. The strength of it sent Bane ten feet in the air, his clothing still intact however.

As Bane got up, he was grabbed by the collar and lifted up by the raged Shizuo. The Japanese juggernaut glared at Bane as the man groaned in pain. "Now! **I** break **you**!"

With that, Shizuo began slamming Bane on the asphalt over and over again, creating cracks and a crater as Bane was as limp as a doll.

"Leave! Me! Alone!" roared Shizuo, throwing Bane into a gas truck, which exploded upon impact. Shizuo stood there with a face of melancholy, looking at the flames from the truck before him.

Shizuo sat down at a nearby bench, his hands limped on his knees as he held his head low, shaking it slightly. With a deep inhale, he exhaled with slight shame.

However, from the flames, he heard a dark chuckle, seeing a dark figure walk out. It was Bane, unharmed from the flames yet covered in bruises and a few bleeding cuts. Shizuo got up, glaring at Bane and standing in the middle of the road.

"Get lost! I won!" growled Shizuo, "I don't want to fight anymore!"

Bane simply laughed heartily at this. "Fool! I am Bane! No one walks away from a challenge against me! You will die! And I will stand over your broken corpse!"

"I! Don't! Want! To! Fight!" yelled Shizuo angrily, "We are done! Go away!"

"There is only one way out of this…" growled Bane, "You know what it is…"

"One of us…dead," growled Shizuo, cracking his knuckles as he gave a death glare at Bane, "But you forget…I just easily fucked you up back there."

"Oh yes…there is another truth that must be revealed," chuckled Bane, reaching out for a device on his chest. It was a green button that had the Venom Symbol on it with a large gear around it, Bane grabbed the gear and began twisting it clockwise.

"The truth is…" said Bane, wheezing a bit, "I was also holding back."

With a third crank, Bane began to growl animalistically. His muscles began to grow larger, his body began to grow larger, his anger began to grow larger. His veins turned bright green as he roared loudly and flexed his arms into the air.

"BAAAANE!" roared the man, growling and snarling as he looked at Shizuo hungrily, towering over the man as he stared at him with little emotion.

"Well, that's new," said Shizuo simply, with Bane roaring and swatting at Shizuo. This swat sent Shizuo through two buildings and into a new street. He got up just as Bane crashed through two other ones, standing there as he glared at Shizuo like a fresh steak, slamming his fists on the ground.

"I WILL BREAK YOU!" roared Bane, rushing at Shizuo as a random train ran through the train tracks between the two because Japan uses trains. Bane simply crashed through it as he lunged at Shizuo, with the bartender-dressed man roaring as he sent a fist at Bane. This caused Bane to flinch slightly as Shizuo kept on slamming his fists at Bane's abdomen over and over again. This did little to Bane as he sent a fist down at Shizuo, who simply dodged the blow as it caused a crater around the beast's fist.

Shizuo jumped up with a Spartan roar and slammed his elbow against Bane's neck, causing the beast to growl in pain. Bane pulled his arm out and punched Shizuo in the stomach, sending him up into a billboard and taking it down with him to another street.

As Shizuo got up from the wreckage, his teeth bleeding and clutching his stomach. "How did this happen?" he growled out.

"**YOU PISSED ME OFF! THAT'S HOW!**" roared Bane, who was standing on the building overlooking the street. Bane roared as he slammed into the street, glaring at Shizuo as the man got up. He wasn't going down without a fight, and was damn sure not going to let this "luchadore asshole" win.

Bane roared as he lunged at him, with Shizuo slamming his fists in the beast's face. Bane roared and grabbed Shizuo's waist, squeezing him as he laughed madly. Shizuo was slightly annoyed by this, grabbing the pen that stabbed his hand and promptly stabbed Bane's.

Bane roared in pain as he let go of Shizuo, stepping back and cradling the hand as Shizuo jumped at Bane's stomach, knocking him onto the ground. Shizuo Heiwajima got on top of him and began slamming his fists at Bane's head rapidly.

However, Bane quickly grabbed Shizuo's arms and began trying to rip them off. But Shizuo wasn't giving up, glaring at Bane as he struggled to free his arms. The two juggernauts were in a stand still as they struggled with their hate.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, may we have your attention please?_"

The two stopped to look at a large purple/green stage with a mass of people standing in front of it, apparently appearing out of nowhere. On the stage was Joker, Izaya Orihara, and Hush, sitting on chairs respectively. Joker and Hush were holding microphones as Izaya just sat there smiling.

"_Now, we have a song…for Izaya_," said the speakers, "_Sung by Joker…and Hush…_"

Music began to play, a sappy yet calming piano tune as the two villains began to breath in deeply with loving smiles on their faces.

"Izaya, I wish you were my son," sang Hush to Izaya.

"Izaya! I wish you were my son!" sang Joker with admiration for the troll.

The two then reached out and began rubbing Izaya's hair as they sang, "You hairy boy, you need a trim. I'll get you wet for Gotham swim!"

Izaya seemed to not mind this at all, just sitting there with a smile as a creepy clown serial killer and a gun-toting mummy rubbed his hair.

"Izaya, I love you more than **him**!" sang Joker, nodding his head at Hush. Hush simply shrugged and rolled his eyes, not caring if Joker loved him at all.

"Izaya! I wish you were my son!" sang the two villains proudly, "Izaya! I wish you were my son!"

Then, the three got out of their chairs, with Joker and Hush kneeling next to a standing Izaya. With a wicked smile, Izaya lifted his arms up as Hush and Joker began to sing out to their dream child.

Lights shined down upon the three as the two villains sang to Izaya, holding his arms up to the sky as he smiled down to the audience. The spot he was on had a device that made him twirl around slowly, making the moment all the more beautiful.

The singing stopped, the twirly device stopped, and the three assholes bowed as the audience cried and began applauding to them all.

Bane and Shizuo, frozen in place of their battle, were confused as they tilted their heads at the same time.

"You know those two?" asked Shizuo.

"Yep…" replied Bane, then asking, "You know that kid?"

"…Yep," replied Shizuo.

* * *

><p><strong>Batman gives Black Mask a Whitewash<strong>

In the middle of winter, in the forests outside of Gotham, was Black Mask and his buddy Mr. Zsasz. In front of them, ten feet away were three snowmen made to look like Batman, Robin, and Batgirl.

The two were throwing snowballs at the three snowmen, laughing madly as each ball hit the snow-caricatures.

"Damn! If only we could do this to the real Bat-Freaks!" laughed Black Mask.

"But with grenades!" added Zsasz.

"There's the Chrimbus spirit!" laughed Black Mask, chucking more snowballs as he yelled out, "Take that Batman! You goddamn bat-freak! You and that gay costume of yours! I hope you trip on that cape of yours and hang yourself! I bet your parents hated you, and that's why you run around in your jammies with little kids that you probably boinked! Loser! Haha!"

"Um, Black Mask," let out Zsasz, staring behind them both as he dropped the snowball in fear.

"Shut up, Zsasz, I'm making fun of Bat-Pedo here!" snapped Black Mask, not looking at Zsasz as he kept on chucking snowballs at the three snowmen. Behind the two, to Black Mask's ignorance and Zsasz's realization, was the trio themselves, staring at the two with little to no amusement.

"And take that Robin! Gay little twerp!" yelled Black Mask, chucking a snowball with a rock in it, then running over and stomping on the Snowrobin, "I'm gonna beat you so hard the Joker's gonna be jealous! That's right! I dissed that Jason Todd twerp right in your face! In! Your! Face! Go eat a dick! I'm the mastermind! HAHA! Pansy!" With that, he then backhands the Batman snowman, the Batsnowman.

"Roman! Shut up!" urged Zsasz, keeping his voice low as he looked back and forth.

"Hold on, Zsasz, I need to show Batgirl who's the boss!" chuckled Black Mask, it is safe to assume he's a little drunk, "Batgirl. Think you're sooo tough that you don't speak…a lot? Baby, I could do so many things to you. Torture, screw, torture again. But let's get to the good part!"

Black Mask then fell on the Snow-Batgirl and began to grind up against it, much to Zsasz's terror.

"Roman! No!" shrieked Zsasz.

"Shut! Up! You'll get a turn!" shouted Black Mask, then saying to the Snow-Batgirl, "Yeah? I just did that…who's the boss now? I am!" He then began punching the snowperson in the face repeatedly, slamming his fists at the snow until it was mush. He breathed in and out and slowly got up, covered in bits of snow.

"So…what did you need to tell me?" asked Black Mask.

**Three Minutes Later**

Batman was shoving Black Mask's face into the snow as he kicked and screamed, Robin and Batgirl laughing at his plight from the sidelines. Zsasz's feet were seen kicking around in the air as his entire upper body was buried in snow.

Batman laughed as he white-washed Black Mask, the snow entering Black Mask's nostrils and mouth as he was feeling the icy pain of it all.

From the muffled pain, he yelled out, "Enough! Enough!"

"Oh no, Roman!" laughed Batman, "We're not done with you! Batgirl! Get the Bat-Paddle!"

Batgirl pulled from the trunk of the Bat mobile a large wooden paddle painted black with a bat-symbol created from the holes. Robin entered the car and turned on the song, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by **Alice Cooper** and turned it up to eleven.

Batgirl ran over, knelt down and began spanking Black Mask, much to his anger and embarrassment.

"Who's the boss now?" laughed Batman, holding Black Mask down as he continued to white wash and Batgirl paddled him like a bad school boy, "Who's the boss now? Not you!"

Batgirl stopped and Batman pulled Black Mask to his feet, with snow in the eye sockets. "Now, get lost! Or **we're **gonna throw snowballs at **you**! _**Batsnowballs**_!" threatened Batman darkly. Black Mask picked the snow out of his sockets angrily, with Robin creeping behind him with a handful of snow in his hands, sporting a mischievous smile.

"You don't treat Black Mask like this!" he growled out, "I'll show you**OH MY GOD**!" He had a massive amount of snow down his pants by the Boy Wonder, causing all of the Bat-family to laugh in uproar.

"Now get outta here!" mocked Batman, then smacking the back of Black Mask heartlessly.

Black Mask groaned in misery as he walked away like he took a big dump in his pants. "I'll get back at you jerks!" growled Black Mask, "You'll be sorry! You'll get yours! **YOU'LL GET YOURS**!" With that, Black Mask disappeared as he sniffled with shame.

Batman, Robin, and Batgirl both laughed at him, watching him run away with fingers pointing at him. Zsasz was still kicking his legs, trying to get out as muffled screams could be heard. There was a hungry muskrat in there with him.

* * *

><p><strong>Back with the Two Muscle-heads<strong>

Both Bane and Shizuo were sitting at a sushi bar, eating a large plate of calamari together as they sat next to each other.

"Look, I just want to apologize for that whole…_thing_," let out Shizuo, "I didn't mean to ruin your lunch. I get angry sometimes over small little things."

"Apology accepted," said Bane with a smile, "Besides, it was really my fault, I shouldn't have been so harsh with you. If I didn't act like a complete jerk back there, this whole thing wouldn't have been such an issue."

"Nah, nah, I'm sure someone else would have said something about it," said Shizuo with a sigh, "Maybe it was best you said something and instead of someone who might have just gotten smashed like an orange."

"True, but I still should have picked my words more carefully," defended Bane humbly, "And to show my apology is sincere, I will pay for our dinner!"

"Thanks, you're alright Bane," chuckled Shizuo in friendship. In the back, the pale dark-haired girl known only as Erika Karisawa was already writing in her notepad a Bane/Shizuo slashfic. The thought of it caused drool to drip down her mouth.

When all seemed happy and fine, Bane and Shizuo both reached down for the last piece of calamari. Both their hands touched and they both glared at each other.

Their eyes locked on to each other, both not gazing away as they both glared. One of them was going to have that sushi, and they both felt entitled for it.

And this looked like a perfect friendship. Or in Erika's case, a side-ship.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean that really got out of hand fast!<strong>

**Sorry if I got Shizuo's personality a bit off, but this IS a crackfic and I DID say there will be moments of OOC.**

**Anyway, the song Joker and Hush sing for Izaya is a little ditty called "A Song for Deevee" sung by Tim & Eric in their Chrimbus Special. I chose it and rearranged the lyrics because it seemed so perfect really.**

**The story with Black Mask was inspired by a cover of the Batman comics which had a couple of mobsters throwing snowballs at snowmen of Batman and Robin, which the two crime-fighters just found out the little crap they pulled. :D**

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Bane

**Voice Actor:** Danny Trejo (Funny story, I always pictured Bane being voiced by Trejo way before Young Justice was even conceived. How messed up is that?)

**Description:** Without the Venom he is muscularly skinny, with dark skin, covered in scars, and is about eight feet tall. With the Venom, his muscles grow at least a foot thick, his veins turn bright glowing green, and he is thirteen feet tall. He has a device on his chest that is a green button with the biohazard symbol on it, which is surrounded by this gear-like knob. He activates his Venom by pushing the button and twisting the knob for the desired amount of venom (three is how he gets into that berserk mode you see). He wears a black wife-beater, long black jeans, and a large black leather belt with the Venom symbol on the buckle. He also wears black fingerless gloves, black combat boots, and of course, his mask. It is a scary black-leather mask that has white face pattern on the front, along with red glaring goggles for eyes and a zipper for his mouth, revealing his shiny teeth. (Since this is a cartoon in my mind, the zipper will move as he talks, because this is my world, not yours. |:] )

**Likes:** Breaking backs, Screwing with the Batman, Mexican food, Pepsi, Tatertots, Rob Zombie movies, Mint, and Being the ultimate warrior (more so than the Ultimate Warrior)

**Dislikes:** Being defeated, Batman, Joker, Being played, and, apparently, Shizuo Heiwajima


	37. Literal Twofaced Lawyer

**The Banana Slug: Two-Face has always been an awesome villain to me. No matter what source he was in.**

**Loved him in the Batman Animated Series. Kinda liked him in Batman Forever. Wanted more in The Dark Knight. And even his small appearance in Batman: Brave and the Bold I liked.**

**Overall, Two-Face, despite his silly weakness for coin flipping, he will be one of the most badass villains in Gotham City. Hell, in my fanfic **_**Young Justice: Halls of Arkham**_**, I made Two-Face into this badass evil-version of Dirty Harry that listens to Tool.**

**And here he is, in another of my non-canon Team Fortress 2 tributes.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 37: Literal Twofaced Lawyer**

* * *

><p><strong>Meet the Two-Face<strong>

In the Gotham City Bank, a loud set of fiery explosions busted from the windows as a figure ran across the hallways with bags full of money. Two bags. Held by Two hands. By Two-Face.

He raced to the window as the explosion began chasing him down the halls, breathing heavily as he took one final breath and jumped out the window, the building coming down behind him as he leapt to the other building.

"What makes me a good crime boss?"

Asked Two-Face, sitting at his desk which was covered in empty beer bottles. His desk was brown on one side and black on the other, his office normal and sensible on one side and messy and scavenged on the other side. Two-Face sat there with his good side on the good side and his bad side on the bad side. Get it?

Two-Face groaned as he held his beer, screaming at the non-existent person before him, "If I was a bad crime boss, I wouldn't be sitting here discussing it here with you now **would I**?"

A drunken flashback showed up, with Two-Face leading his men through the street with a roar of victory, holding his shotgun to the air with maniacal glee.

"LET'S! DO IT!" laughed Two-Face, running through the streets as the police opened fire with their guns as men after men from both sides began falling down dead.

"Not one of you is goin' to survive us!" growled Two-Face, blowing the face off of one officer as he leapt over a cop car and kicked another officer in the chin.

He turned around and pulled out his grenade launcher and began shooting out said grenades out at the cop cars. The officers panicked and yelled as they all ran away from the grenades, which expectedly exploded and cleared the way for the rest of his thieving gang.

"**One** wrong step, **one** missed shot of an officer's head, **one** wrong car bomb an inch from the intended target,' rambled Two-Face as he sat at his desk and out of his flashback. He then slammed his hands on the desk, screaming out, "AND **KABLOOIE**!"

In his intoxicated flashback, he was running through an abandoned warehouse as he was chased by the GCPD officers, the whole place raining with grey skies above. With a flip of a coin, he got tails. This allowed him to shoot at a nearby wall with the grenade launcher, causing it to bounce back and take out the two officers in a bloody explosion.

As Two-Face remembered this, he began chugging his beer down his throat like a fish out of water, leaning back with his head looking up at the sky.

In the flashback, Two-Face's men were met with a blockade of SWAT officers, creating a wall of shields and releasing mustard gas at any trying to get them.

"We gotta go the other way 'round!" shouted one of the henchmen. Two-Face promptly flipped his coin, coming up heads.

"No, we got a better idea!" he growled out, grabbing his grenade launcher and shooting it at the sky. The grenade bounced off the pipes of the warehouse complex, bounced until it fell down right behind the blockade before them.

The SWAT officers didn't even notice the grenade until one looked behind him and saw the grenade blow up, killing the officers easily from the back.

Finishing his bear, Two-Face slammed his beer bottle on the desk, now empty. He groaned and panted miserably, then leaning to his imaginary friend as he pointed at the bad-side of his face.

"I got a screwed face," he sobbed out, "I'm a literal twofaced lawyer! They got more-(**overly long censored line because the video did it too. Apparently it has something to do with muffins, fellatio, and Strawberry Shortcake**)-lawyers in friggin' Harvard than they've got the likes of me!"

Harvey Dent sat back down and sighed deeply, shaking his head miserably. His personality just went around to loud and yelled out with a slam of his fist, "**SO**!"

Two-Face stood in the front of the entrance of the warehouse, in the inebriated flashback, with his men dead and the rain dripping down his shoulders and hair. He looked to see the officers run to him, cocksure and prideful, running at him with guns ready.

"To all you _dandies_ so proud, cocksure, prancing around with your faces full of skin!" monologued Two-Face internally, who looked at their faces…their perfect unburnt faces with hate and hurt memories.

"Come and get me, I say!" Two-Face turned around and ran to the warehouse, flipping the coin again and catching it as he ran, turning up heads, "I'll be waiting for you with a whiff of some brimstone!"

He ran all the way to the other side of the warehouse, the back entrance wide and open. As the officers ran through the halls of the complex, Two-Face spun around and from his belt grabbed what looked like mines, throwing them left and right at the doorway outside with a dark gleam in his bad eye. "I'm a grim friggin' fable! With a unhappy friggin' ending!"

The officers spotted Two-Face, standing before the entrance as he flipped his coin casually as they began running to him. It was only one police officer to look up and see something that spelt their dooms. Mines surrounding the whole entrance, motion detecting mines began to blink rapidly as one by one, the explosives exploded and turned all the GCPD officers into nothing but blood and limbs raining down the sky.

Two-Face walked over as he flipped his coin, looking at what's left on the bloody ground as the rain slowly began to dissipate.

"Looks like they're going to have to glue you back together," he said with a smirk, then kneeling down, pointing down and yelling in bipolar anger, "IN HELL!"

* * *

><p><strong>Beware the Court of Owls<strong>

It was a dusky day, for it was the time dusk appeared, which is usually at eight in the afternoon during summer but four or five in the afternoon during winter time. Batman and Robin were once more, standing at the ledge of a building, looking out for any of crime's evil doings.

"Y'know, it's funny," let out Robin, looking down at the people walking in the streets, "If everyone is walking, why is there still a problem with traffic?"

"Because, Robin," said Batman, "Some people can handle their road rage, the pedestrians cannot."

Robin nodded a bit, then turning to him and saying, "Oh…but that still doesn't answer the question about…uh…"

"What is it, Robin?" asked Batman, turning to him.

"…Wwwwhat are those?" he curiously asked, pointing behind the Dark Knight. Batman looked over, a sight which made him groan with annoyance.

"What's wrong?" questioned Robin with a tilt of his body.

"…It's the Court of Owls…" he grumbled out. Lo and behold, on a nearby clock tower, there was a group of Talons, assassins of a creepy new villain organization that was in Gotham since the beginning and we only just now heard of them.

"Who?" scoffed Robin with a laugh.

"Who?" copied one of the Talons.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Batman angrily, waving his arms around at them, then turning to Robin and explaining, "Just a crazy Illuminati of Gotham filled with incestuous Owl-lovers who like killing people and stealing kids from circuses to be assassins of some kind. They're douches." He then groaned out in annoyance, knowing they are still looking at him with their blank eyes.

"Why are they bothering you?" asked Robin.

"Jeez, how many questions do you have to ask?" growled an angry Batman, shaking his fist at the Boy Wonder. Robin turned away, hurt at being yelled at, Batman felt ashamed of himself after he growled that.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered out.

"I'm sorry too," sighed Batman, "I'm not mad at you, I'm just ticked because a bunch of NUT-HOLES WHO CAN'T GET A LIFE ARE CONSTANTLY STALKING ME!" He yelled the last part at the Talons on the clock tower, still watching him with blank eyes.

"O rly?" teased one of the silly Talons.

"YA RLY!" roared the Batman.

"No wai!" giggled another, and soon the whole group of Talons were laughing their asses off. Batman slapped his forehead and shook his head.

Robin hesitated, but had to ask again, "So why are they-"

"Because they got mad because I am Batman and they hate bats and why am I explaining this, ask Nightwing, he'll tell you more about this reboot crap than I can!" grumbled a displeased Batman.

"Oh…yeah, the reboot got me confused too," sighed Robin as he looked down the streets.

"Yeah, good thing we got our own universe, eh?" laughed Batman, nudging the Boy Wonder's shoulder, "None of this crazy crap, huh?"

"Yeah, those guys are screwed," giggled Robin, and the two were laughing with joy and harmony. However, it was ruined when they both stopped, glaring at the Talons as they began releasing hooting laughter just to annoy them.

"…And those are just the foot soldiers," growled Batman, "Talons, a group of Victorian Ninjas that are only half as annoying as the Court. And just as incestuous."

"Are you sure they are incestuous?" asked Robin with a raised brow.

"Secret society equals secret sibling sex," growled Batman, "It is there like pudding! Look it up!"

"Wah! What are we going to do on the bed?" giggled one of the Talons.

One stuck his head out and called out, "POMF!" The Talons then returned to their hooting laughter.

"Stop quoting memes, quoting memes isn't funny!" yelled Batman angrily, "It just makes you look like a talentless douche!" The Talons just kept giggling, staring at the two as they sat there casually on the roof.

Batman shook his head and turned back to Robin. "You undoubtedly have another question for me, righto?"

"Well…how do we ditch them?" questioned Robin bashfully.

"Until they lose interest, which is haphazard at best," sighed Batman with woe, "I dunno, after the reboot, I see some dumb stuff. Including a White Rabbit villain that dresses like a prostitute yet is able to manipulate Bane, don't ask me how because I'm not one-hundred percent sure."

"Pawn!" hooted one of the Talons.

"Ignore them," said Robin calmly.

"Right," grunted Batman, then saying, "Although, it seems Aquaman is fighting this race of sea-men called the Trench, looks pretty cool. Lovecraftian even."

"Sea-men?" giggled a Talon in immense teasing pleasure.

"**But anyway**!" shouted Robin, trying to keep Batman's attention from them, "I was wondering, what exactly are we looking for? Is it Joker with a bomb? Hush stealing people's faces again? Or maybe Simon Hurt is running around in his Mexican Train again shooting blanks at random people?"

"No, we're just looking for Riddler, he said something about a contact he was planning on working with to blow up the Gotham Bridge," explained Batman, looking down with his gazing glare.

"Who's the guy? What does he look like?" asked Robin.

"Don't what he looks like," replied Batman with a huff, "But we do know a name. We are looking for Mike Rotch."

Robin was silent for a while, then turning to Batman and asking, "Can you…say that again, Batman?"

"Mike Rotch! We are looking for Mike Rotch! It's down there somewhere!" yelled Batman, then noticing Robin snickering a bit, "What's so funny about Mike Rotch? This is serious business, Robin!"

"Catwoman knows Mike Rotch!" called out a Talon. His fellow Talons snickering behind him, only to be shushed by that Talon.

Batman then got up and stroked his chin as he thought, "Catwoman knows Mike Rotch? Perhaps she is affiliated with Mike Rotch in some way…" He then noticed Robin on the floor, laughing hysterically at Batman.

"Robin! I don't know what the hell you are laughing? How are we going to find Mike Rotch if…wait…" Batman starting to realize something strange about that name, "Mike…Rotch…Mike…Rotch…okay, Mike Rotch. Mi-ke-rotch. Mi-krotch. My crotch…Oh crap…"

And with that, the Court of Owl's assassination squad began laughing hysterically at Batman and Robin, seeing the Batman finally get the joke was on him.

"Hey! Batman!" laughed one of the Talons, "Mike Rotch and Catwoman work together on a daily basis. She even plays with Mike Rotch! But I'd rather have you play with Mike Rotch!"

As they laughed, Batman shook with anger, and after he let go of his inhibitions for that moment, he clutched the Bat-Grenade from his utility belt and threw it at the clock tower, with the Talons looking at the grenade as it beeped.

As they all stared stupidly at the beeping grenade, one tilted his head and asked, "…Bombs?"

Then, the explosive blew the Talons (who probably should have flown off the clock tower when the grenade was thrown) flying into the sky as they were crashing down to the streets like Jenga pieces.

"Wow…" let out a frightened Robin, looking at the roofless clock tower as debris fell down the streets, people shrieking at the carnage, "That…was…dark…Frank Miller dark…"

"Don't worry…the Talons are immune to pain and death," explained Batman with a huff, "Being a by-product of incest does that to people."

"Again, are you quite positive they are incestuous?" questioned Robin, still not completely following Batman's belief the Court practices incest.

"All evil secret organizations practice incest!" growled Batman, "That's what makes them evil…and secret! All of those Illuminati-esque organizations do. It's what makes them mysterious…"

"…How exactly does that make them mysterious?" asked an oblivious Robin, Master of Constant Questions.

"Oh, Robin. I forget…you are young and unaware of the world," sighed out Batman, shaking his head, "Not knowing how exactly secret organizations work with the whole incest shtick. I know in time you will understand…"

"…Batman…" let out Robin with a heavy brow and a deep frown, "…That was retarded…"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I thought that was Re-Todd-Ed.<strong>

**Kyle Rayner: Ha! Good one, Slug!**

**The Banana Slug: Piss off.**

**But on the whole, I find the Court of Owls interesting visually and I would LOOOVE to read "Night of the Owls". And my whole stance on the White Rabbit, she looks interesting, but I don't think she's a big manipulator. Something's up.**

**Seriously.**

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Two-Face AKA Harvey Dent

**Voice Actor:** Vincent D'Onofrio (Also known as Detective Robert Goren and the Edgar Bug)

**Description:** Looks like a normal everyday person, strong chin, clean cut black hair, blue eyes with a bit of a sag, and a constant frown. Oh, and half his face is gone. Just burnt right off, revealing a horrid mess of red flesh, all without an eyelid, cheek, ear, and half of his lips are gone. Burnt perfectly in half, a straight line, don't know how that happened on the straight half thing. All in all, he's a male butterface. His attire is a business suit, one half white with a black tie and well groomed, the other side black with a red tie and messy with a few holes on the suit. He also wears a black glove on the bad side, to keep with the whole theme of it all, really.

**Likes:** Duality, Balance, Indian food, His coin, His liquor, and Doctor Who

**Dislikes:** Being without his coin, Kids, Teenagers, People not doing what he tells them to do after his coin tells him what to do, and shrubs (he doesn't trust them).


	38. Taste the Rainbow

**The Banana Slug: Rainbow Beast…you guys remember him?**

**A giant monster with fat stripes each a different color, able to use different powers using those colors. One for burninating the countryside with red, freezificating others with blue, fartificationating with yellow, and…flatizination with green, as in turning people flat…as a…leaf.**

**All in all, he was so ridiculous, that DC wrote him off after Crisis for Infinite Earths and when Grant Morrison (Grant **_**Fucking**_** Morrison) wrote him back, it turns out he was a crazy hallucinogenic wig-out Batman had as he was fighting some bad-dude revolutionary types.**

**But here…here is what I think the Rainbow Beast is like…for realz.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 38: Taste the Rainbow**

* * *

><p><strong>The Rainbow Connection<strong>

It was a scorching summer day with the sun like a giant fireball in the sky, in an abandoned town in Mexico. Everyone fled, leaving ruins and discarded trash, the bugs buzzing around with no one to swat at them. Doors left open, windows broken, and the sight of an unfinished ice cream melting on the scathing hot sidewalk.

Down the road strolled Batman and Robin, walking down the middle of it like a couple of Western heroes. Tall and proud and ready for anything.

"So, what's the mission?" Robin asked, ready to do this mission.

"Someone…or something…has been attacking this town," explained Batman, "It forced everyone to abandon the town overnight, and we are here to drive said beast out. People say it has powers of fire and ice, and is able to turn people into mist and flatten people with ease. Came to town after that small volcano erupting a week ago. EXACTLY after the small volcano erupted."

"Batman!" yelped out Robin, pointing down the road, "There it is!" Batman looked to see a large figure walk down the road, the beast slowly lumbering towards them slowly. Batman and Robin held there ground and pulled out their batarangs and wing-dings respectively. As they waited for the monster to get to them, Batman looked over at Robin a couple of times, then finally saying, "…You need a better name than wing-dings."

They watched as the monster walked to them, revealing it to them in all its glory, all its…rainbow glory…

Yes, it was…the Rainbow Creature! A beast that looks like some sort of massive teddy bear, a large body with short stubby legs and fat clawed arms, eyes with black sclera and a white dot for a pupil, and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. It also had four large stripes, with four different colors, which were red, yellow, green, and blue respectively. It also had no nose and no ears, with little lumps covering its large body.

Batman and Robin stared at the beast, tilting their heads at it with large happy smiles as they cooed out, "Awwwwww…"

"Look at it! It looks like a Sherbet Badger!" giggled Robin as he dangled his arms from his body and rocked his head.

"It's like a big cuddly Teddy Bear made of Skittles!" sighed Batman, crossing his arms together. The Rainbow Creature then began roaring at them. But this was no scary roar like from a bear or a cougar. Okay, it was from a bear…but from a bear cub!

"D'oh!" laughed Batman, "It roars like a baby bear! It's so adorable! Is it just me? Or is this thing the most cuddliest villain we have ever faced?"

"I agree, I just wanna…I just wanna put it in my backpack and go to school with him!" sighed Robin. The Rainbow Creature glared down at the two, with the beast roaring out and strolling around as it began breaking a building before the two, slamming its fists into the wood as the building crumbled before it.

Batman and Robin couldn't help but giggle at the thing, it looked cute breaking the whole building in its rage, like a big bear cub.

"Oooooo…" cooed out Batman, then sighing and turning to Robin, saying blankly, "We gotta get this S.O.B. under control."

"What? But…but…look at it!" whined Robin, "It's cute! How can we bring in something like that?"

"Poison Ivy is sexy," added Batman, "And we bring her in all the time. Sure, this is way different but same rules apply. No matter how cute or sexy a criminal can be, it is our duty to place them into custody."

"….Fine," grumbled Robin, then grabbing Batman's shoulder and saying with slight tears, "Lemme do it…you'll only screw everything with your hatefulness." Batman glared at Robin, shaking his hand off and watching him as Robin strolled to the giant Rainbow Creature.

"Okay Big-guy," said Robin with a frown, pressing his hand on its back, "We gotta bring you in. You're causing too much damage and-"

The Beast turned around and shot a beam of red light at Robin, causing his cape to come aflame. Robin began screaming around in terror, running around with his cape on fire. Batman fixed this by throwing a Freeze Grenade at his back and placing Robin in an ice crystal, frozen in shock.

"It's…pure…evil…" groaned Robin, looking around.

"I know that, Robin…" growled Batman, grabbing his batarangs and throwing three at the Rainbow Beast. It turned to Batman, roaring out like a bear cub and shooting a yellow beam at them, and turning the flying batarangs into yellow gas that floated away.

It shot another beam, a blue beam, which froze Batman much like Robin. The Boy Wonder giggled at Batman's ironic situation, the Batman glared at him as Robin stopped and shook slightly. Robin broke out and roared triumphantly, he jumped out at the Rainbow Beast, his wing-dings in his hands as he was ready to plunge them into the skin of the beast.

It roared at him softly, shooting a green beam flying right at the Boy Wonder. A scream was heard as Robin was turned into a flat 2D version of himself, floating around as the Rainbow Beast roared out cutely as it soon ran away, shooting its red beams at random buildings.

Batman broke from the ice crystal like an angry caveman, rushing out with his cape flapping around. He looked to see Robin float over to him as the Dark Knight held out his arms and caught him like a feather.

"Batman! I have become flat! Like a leaf!" cried out Robin, flailing his 2D arms around.

"No duh," groaned Batman, then saying, "We gotta get that Rainbow Bear and put him were he belongs…in our cage in the Batcave…I wanna keep it…"

"But…how?" whimpered Robin, "He's got laser beams! With the power of ice, fire, gas, and flatness-making, he is practically indestructible!"

"That's what they said about me and Bane…sure he defeated me and broke my back at first, but I got him eventually!" growled Batman proudly, "And this mutated Care Bear won't defeat me with his Omega Staring. The Bat has suffered worse and more serious tortures before!"

Batman then removed his cape and tucked it into a pouch in his pocket, and grabbed each of Robin's arms and flung his body over him, wrapping his arms together and making a new cape out of the flat Robin.

"…Dick move," groaned Robin in defeat.

**SEVERAL MINUTES LATER**

The Rainbow Creature roared out as it ate a tree, taking a bite and then roaring, and repeating exactly as said. The Creature heard a loud whistle, looking over to see a gigantic chocolate donut with M&M's sprinkled on it. The donut looked to be the size of a truck tire, and there was no free space on the chocolate sauce that covered the donut, as it was covered…**IN M&M'S**!

It grumbled softly, looking at the giant donut with hunger. Tree's weren't doin' it for the evil Rainbow monstrosity, y'see. The Rainbow Creature stumbled towards the donut, unaware that behind a wall of a house next to the donut was a butt-load of explosive gel sprayed onto it.

Batman watched from the watchtower of the town, snickering as Robin looked over his shoulder with a deep frown.

"Are you sure it'll fall for it?" asked Robin woefully.

"Of course!" scoffed Batman, "It is a chocolate donut…covered in M&M's! M&M's man!"

"Yeah…but this just seems like some Looney Tunes crap you see in…the Looney Tunes," sighed out Robin with a groan.

"Robin, you are the most condescending cape I have ever had!" growled Batman, watching as the Rainbow Creature waddle to the mega-donut with its large stubby legs. Batman grinned as he got his detonator ready, ready to blow the son-of-a-bitch out of the water.

Then, the Creature stopped and looked at the donut, just a foot away from the wall. Batman grinded his teeth, hoping the Creature will fall for the awesome trap he created.

Suddenly, the creature shot out a purple beam and lifted the donut into the air, the Rainbow Creature grabbing the donut with its little paws and nibbled on it as it growled adorably.

"**…HOW THE HELL DID IT DO THAT!**" screamed a furious Batman, slamming his fists at the ledge.

"_There are more colors in the rainbow, Batman_," said Robin softly with a smile.

"There is only one color I care for…black…" growled Batman, "Black as my tortured soul."

"Actually, black isn't a color, black is the absence of color," explained a jack-ass Robin, only to receive a glaring look from Batman as he continued regretfully, "And…uh, because white is the combination of all colors…with black being no…color…and…"

Batman glared at Robin with his white eyes, scowling deeply and turning back to the Rainbow Creature, standing in place as it nibbled on the donut.

**SEVERAL MORE MINUTES LATER**

The Rainbow Creature, mouth covered in chocolate sauce, wandered around the deserted town and saw a giant bowl of fruity cereal at the end of a street. The bowl was actually one of those miniature pools you get for your kid when you are too cheap to go to the local pool, filled with milk and millions upon millions of little round fruit-flavored cereal pieces shaped like rings.

It grumbled a bit as it slowly approached the giant cereal bowl, stepping closer to it as Batman waited on top of a telephone wire. As soon as it got close enough, Batman roared out and jumped on its back, wrapping his arms around its neck.

It roared out in fear, its bear cub voice making this all the more hard to watch. It scrambled around as Batman held onto its neck, holding on for dear life.

"Use the sedative! Use the sedative!" screamed Robin frantically, still dangling from Batman's back.

"I'm…trying!" growled Batman, "But this guy…is struggling…too much!" And then, he let out a loud "WAH!" as he was thrown off and fell to the ground. The Creature slowly turned to Batman with a displeased face, roaring out adorably as it shot an orange beam at Batman, which it seemed to only do was give him a slight orange glow for a brief five seconds.

Robin sniffed a bit, then humming with nasal pleasure. "Holy Sunny D, Batman! You smell like oranges!" he yelled out.

Batman laughed and got on his feet, staring down at the giant Rainbow Creature as it looked at him with carelessness. "Foolish Rainbow Creature!" called out the Batman, "It's gonna take more than making me smell like oranges to defeat-"

He was interrupted when an orange smacked him in the cheek. He turned around and yelled out, "Who threw that?" And then another hit the back of his head, then more began hitting his chest. And soon, oranges were being flung at him over and over again.

"Uh! Oh! AH! What's! Nuh! Going on? Buh!" grunted out Batman as he was pelted by oranges, splattering all over him.

"Batman! The oranges!" screamed out Robin, "They're trying to **mate** **with you**!"

"What? Robin! **That** is cra-" Batman was again interrupted when an orange hit him square in the face, getting orange juice into his eyes.

"**GAAAAH**!" he would scream out, "My eyes! M'eyes! **Graaaaagh**! **Naaaaagh**!" He began coughing as he fell to the ground, oranges pelting his unconscious body as the Rainbow Beast wobbled over and began slurping the cereal to its own joy.

**EVEN MORE MINUTES LATER**

It was in the middle of the town, the Rainbow Creature sitting on a bench as he was reading a book, effectively making it the Reading Rainbow Creature. Batman was hiding in a tree, holding a Bat-Syringe deviously with the Rainbow Creature's name on it. In another hand, Batman was holding a chocolate chip cookie the size of a dish, Robin looking at it with drool coming from his puckered lips.

"Boy…you cook more than Cooking Mama," let out Robin with awe.

"The one thing you gotta know about me, Robin," said Batman, "Is that I can do anything…more than **Kim Possible**."

Robin paused for a second, then saying, "**One:** Big talker. **Two:** How is a cookie going to help us defeat the Rainbow Creature?"

"I throw it, let the big guy run after it, then I jump on the Rainbow Creature's back and stab the syringe into its horrid spine," explained Batman, "I've learned that holding onto the beast will only cause it to get angry and have oranges try to mate with me again."

"…Sure," said Robin, rolling his eyes in doubt. With that, Batman threw the cookie to the left. The cookie didn't crumble as it fell on the ground, the Creature still reading its book and not noticing the cookie until it glanced over to it, smelling its aroma from its sitting spot.

The Creature folded the book and waddled over to it, picking it up and nibbling the cookie like a chipmunk. Batman's plan…looked an angry flying squirrel, Batman leapt out and stabbed the syringe into the Creature's spine, causing it to roar out adorably. Batman fell on his back, with Robin letting out a strained, "OOF!". The Dark Knight watched in horror to see the Creature not affected by the sedative, turning around and roaring at him with its paws swiping at him angrily.

"…Did we get him?" asked Robin, still under the Dark Knight.

…**EVEN MORE MINUTES LATER FOR THE LAST TIME**

Batman and Robin screamed in terror as they were chased by the Rainbow Creature, roaring and shooting its beams at them. It was due to Batman's serpentine actions that helped them get save.

"What are we gonna do now?" screamed Robin.

"I'm working on it!" roared Batman, panting heavily as he ran to a dead end, turning to face the Rainbow Creature slowly waddling over to the two, roaring in that cute bear cub roar.

"I never thought…something so cute…would be the one…to kill us…" whimpered Robin, "I always expected…Joker or Hush or Bane or Ra's al Ghul…to be the ones to do us in! Hell, I expected even Penguin!"

"Penguin…are you serious?" growled Batman, not believing the words that Robin spoke to him.

As the Creature walked to them menacingly, Batman looked around and saw the clock tower. He then perked his brow in thought, as he looked to the side to see that they were in the exact spot Batman planned his "Giant Donut Gambit" several minutes ago, with the wall right next to the Rainbow Beast.

"HAHAAA!" called out Batman, pulling the bat-detonator from his belt with a large smile, pressing the button with swiftness.

The wall exploded next to the Rainbow Creature, chunks of debris hitting the beast in the head as it roared out in pain. The Creature fell on its stomach and was promptly knocked out, with Batman walking to it and placing his boot on the Rainbow Creature's back.

And with that, Robin returned to normal as he held onto the Dark Knight's back like a little troll, his nose buried in his shoulder.

"See Robin, it was only temporary!" announced Batman proudly, "…You can get off now…"

Batman stood proudly with Robin draped over his shoulders, staring at the sky as he lowered his head slightly. Batman looked over, uncomfortable with Robin's attitude and silence.

"…I'm serious…get off…"

* * *

><p><strong>Batgirl At Home<strong>

Cassandra Cain, the girl known as Batgirl, wakes up to find a sticky note placed on her head, draping half of each her eyes. She pulls it off and reads it silently.

"_Robin and I are off to Mexico, don't ask why, see ya soon. -Batman_"

She sighed and got up, walking out the room as she rubbed her eyes, yawning loudly. She looked to her left and saw Alfred with a pile of dirty laundry.

"Oh, hello Miss Cain," he greeted, "Master Wayne and Master Drake are off to Mexico to handle a monster of some sorts. They should be back shortly." She would've said she knew, but didn't, so she just nodded.

Alfred grunted as he lifted the dirty laundry basket, only to let it hit the floor. It was a lot of dirty laundry. He turned to her and asked with a smile, "Mind if you help me with this? Master Wayne has a lot of dirty laundry. Some not…his…"

She nodded and rushed over, holding one side as Alfred held the other one, both trekking through the mansion and down to the laundry room, two washers already doing Tim and Cassandra's load, and one dryer drying Alfred's load.

"Try to pick out Master Wayne's from Miss Kyle's please," said Alfred, placing the respective clothing in two different piles. Cassandra reached into the pile and pulled out a pair of hot pink short boxers, where she proceeded to place it into Catwoman's pile.

"No no," corrected Alfred quickly, "That's Master Wayne's…" Cassandra gave him a strange look as he took them and put the boxers into the respective pile.

"I know…I told him that they were lady wear, but he wouldn't listen," sighed Alfred, "He said they were boxers and boxers were unisex. Tell that to me after he stumbled out wearing them after that dinner party." They both laughed at the joke, Alfred sighing and shaking his head slightly.

"They say a whole lot of millionaires are eccentric, but they haven't met my Bruce…" chuckled Alfred, then saying, "…Then again…losing your parents can…be damaging…"

Cassandra couldn't think of anything to say after that, looking away with a frown. She didn't know what to add with that, both her parents are (unfortunately) alive. That remark came out of bat-friggin'-nowhere.

"We all take stress and trauma in different ways, Cassandra," added Alfred, looking up with heavy eyes, "Perhaps Bruce is just as crazy as Joker, or Harvey Dent, or Edward Nygma, or Jonathan Crane, or even his old friend Thomas Elliot…but what can I do to say to get him out of it? Nothing. But, perhaps this is better than losing himself to drugs and alcohol, trying to erase the pain. Instead, embracing it and using it so that others won't end up like him…"

He sighed and turned to Cassandra, looking blankly at him. "I apologize, Miss Cain," he said, "I don't mean to ramble on like this. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

"Nope," she said simply, Alfred smiled and nodded to her.

"Thank you, dear," he said, "I can see why Bruce keeps you and Tim around. He likes children…" He looked over to see Cassandra give him a weird look, understandable from a sentence like that.

Alfred shook his head, smiling as he said, "He likes helping children, I think he sees himself in the eyes of children like you, Tim, Barbara, Jason, and Dick. In a way, he's trying to stop you from becoming you…then again, I don't know why dressing you up like soldiers will help…at all…but I can never figure him out."

He sighed with another shake of his head, "But enough of that dribble, after this, how about I make you some Batcakes."

"I can…have some?" squeaked out Cassandra softly.

"Well…you are _**Bat**_**girl**, correct?" asked Alfred with a smirk, and the twinkle from Cassandra's eye could make Mr. Freeze's heart melt with warm fuzzy goodness.

**SEVERAL MINUTES LATER…AGAIN!**

Alfred and Cassandra sat at the steps of the stairway, eating the little chocolate cupcakes with a chocolate bat-symbol on the white cream on the top. Cassandra nibbling at the sides first as Alfred ate his with large bites, chewing lightly.

Suddenly, the doors swung open to reveal Batman and Robin dragging in the Rainbow Monster by the paw, snoring with drool coming from its mouth.

"What on **Earth** is that **thing**?" grunted out Alfred with shock, Cassandra only tilted her head at the sight of the thing.

"Hey Cass! I was frozen today!" called out Robin, dropping the paw with Batman.

"Alfred, we got ourselves a pet…but it must be caged at all times or we will all die!" commanded Batman, "This Creature has the ability to blast things with ultra heat, freeze people, lift objects with pure mental power, turn things to gas, flatten people into 2D beings, and make oranges gang-bang you." All of this was said with a straight face.

"…Okay…then…" grunted Alfred, still surprised to see this thing, then regaining his composure and saying, "Your laundry is being washed at this very moment, and I have made fresh batcakes in the kitchen. I suggest you eat them before Steve Bino sneaks back in, beats me up, and eats them all."

"Station," said Batman with a smile, then saying something that came from his beating heart, "Alfred…I couldn't survive without you by my side."

Alfred wanted to cry with happiness, run to his "baby-boy" and give him a hug, but he kept those expressions inside. He didn't have to do all that, Bruce knew how much he cared for him.

"Thank you, sir," was all he said.

"Soooooo!" butted in Robin, then asking in high-speed talkativeness, "We should give it a name! What are we gonna call it? I got'n idea! How 'bout Sprinkles! No! Sherbet!"

"No!" growled Batman, turning his attention to Robin and yelling out, "This beast shall be called…Bat-Rainbow Creature!"

"No! That is stupid!" argued Robin angrily, "I think its name should be Sherbet! Or maybe Colonel Rainbow! Or maybe Doctor Steel! Yeah, Doctor Steel…"

"This is why I never take you out to the candy store!" yelled Batman angrily, "You act all stupid! I should've kept you as my cape!"

"I'm sorry, what?" let out Alfred with a laugh of confusion from that statement.

As the two argued, Cassandra walked over to the Creature, kneeling to it and saying, "Skittles."

Batman and Robin looked over at Cassandra. Robin smiled and called out, "I think Skittles is an awesome name, Batman!"

"…Meh…we'll keep it," grumbled Batman, looking away. He then walked away to the kitchen as Alfred sighed and tugged at the beast, easily dragging it across the room with his super-human strength.

"I'll put this in the cage and outfit it with beam-resistant glass," sighed Alfred, dragging the creature with no worries, rolling his eyes.

Still, he thought to himself, at least he doesn't have to put up with an alcoholic jerk that made superheroes products of the government. That's Jarvis' job.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Cassandra is a woobie, and Rainbow Creature is cute as he is destructible. Adorably destructible.<strong>

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Black Mask AKA Roman Sionis

**Voice Actor:** Christopher Meloni (I don't really know why, but I could even see him play him in real life...if they ever get the balls to put him in a movie.)

**Description: **He is a tall well-built man with black tribal tattoos on his arms and back, some creeping up his neck from the left side like George Clooney from "From Dusk till Dawn". He wears a white business suit with black shirt and a white tie, he likes the white for some reason. He also owns vintage Italian shoes, and has a bunch of gold rings like all them gangster guys always have. And his trademark, his mask. A black skull with glaring red eyes, silver teeth, and a menacing look to him in general.

**Likes:** Torture, Baseball, Muffins, Booze, Loose women, Torture, Reading about torture, and singing Karaoke (poorly)…oh, and torture.

**Dislikes:** Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Joker, Penguin, Scarecrow, Feminists, People in general, Football, Soccer, Matlock, Fans at Baseball games, Losing money, Flowers, Bears, Snakes, Reading books about religion, Reading books about dragons, Reading books about religion with vampires, Children, Children's movies, Children TV Shows, Regular Show, Adventure Time, Any show that makes you feel that warm fuzzy feeling, Root Beer, Cartoons, Crime dramas, Comedies, Broccoli, Not torturing people, Prudes, Christian Weston Chandler, The Nostalgia Critic, The Internet in general, and midgets. In the whole, he's a very hateful guy…don't know why I wrote all that…should've just wrote "Hates Everything". Maybe next time.


	39. Simon Hurt is a DooDooHead

**The Banana Slug: Simon Hurt…crazy immortal devil-worshiper that wishes to break the bat psychologically and rides around in a Mexican train. It's like he drinks alcohol with crack cocaine just so he could laugh with immense insane joy at your demise with honor.**

**And yet, despite how much I enjoy Simon, I find his fate perfect and he should NEVER return. His "death" in **_**Batman and Robin Must Die**_** was perfect for him, ending the Hole in Things. Rot in Purgatory, Simon Hurt.**

…**Sooooo, here is a chapter including the insane doctor.**

**SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: **_**Hugh and Johnny Test**_** from Johnny Test**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 39: Simon Hurt is a DooDooHead**

* * *

><p><strong>Simon Hurt: Crazier than a Scientologist<strong>

In Mexico, in a Mexican Train, was the dreaded and intolerably cruel man who goes by many names, with one name I will tell you now…Doctor Simon Hurt. He lounged in a room filled with porcelain blue dogs as he held a wine glass filled with an unidentified pink liquor, sitting comfortably on a panda-skin recliner that he bought from Taiwan.

He looked around, seeing the porcelain blue dogs watching him as he smiled, watching them as they watched him with wide open smiles. Simon sighed with despair, saying one thing before he dropped his wine-glass on the floor, "I am alone…". The glass shattering into a million pieces on the floor.

He got up and continued to ramble, "Surrounded by glass children and having the time of their lives…while I sit here in my own Limbo. Unable to enjoy my wealth and depravity. None to engage philosophy and mind-games with…oh mother, why me?"

He sighed in melancholy and got up, wandering from his room filled with porcelain blue dogs and entering the next one. This room was filled with medicinal cabinets with mirrors showing Simon Hurt's disturbing visage, showing an image of Thomas Wayne, because he looked like Thomas Wayne, because he is Thomas Wayne…from the 1600s.

He opened one of the cabinets, revealing bottles upon bottles of cough medicine, and a few bottles of Ibuprofen. "Nay…I do not feel like getting high from the medicine for coughing. Buuuuut, I wouldn't mind me some Zzzquil for a feeling of blissful wooziness."

He grabbed said Zzzquil and ripped off the top, pausing for a second before gulping down the sleep medicine. "HAHAHAHA! I actually **believed** this was a joke! But lo and behold! The Zzzquil was no **Saturday Night Live **sketch! It **is real**! **REAL**!"

He stood there, smiling, then frowned and said with a dark tormented soul, "I am still alone…I am still…depressed…" He dropped the bottle as purple liquid stained the floor, walking as he pulled out a cellphone, calling the driver of the train.

"Yes, my lord?" asked a drug-induced voice, shaking with addiction."Driver, I wish for some random teenager to be given a tormenting death I can give him," said Simon Hurt.

"…**Goosh Goosh**, my lord?" asked the druggie driver.

Simon Hurt thought for a moment, sighing and saying with a low voice, "No, not tonight. I have not the heart for massive hemorrhage. Just tie the boy up and I will shoot him in the head."

"That depressed, my lord?" sighed the driver.

"…Quite," groaned Simon Hurt.

"Anything else?" he asked once more.

"No. Yes! I want one of my teenage prostitutes dressed as Anna Blue," explained Simon Hurt, "…It's some emo-goth-punk virtual singer I've heard about. I have yet to find Rule 34 art of the little tart, but it should be eventually so…however, my lust cannot be slated without anything sexual for the sad little Blue Anna girl. Do not make me wait. Chop chop!"

"Yes, my lord," wheezed out the driver, ending the call as Simon stood there, his feet on a puddle of Zzzquil.

Simon sighed and tapped the phone to his chest lightly, saying to himself with regret, "Perhaps I should have told him to bring in the donkey…" He shook his head with regret and continued walking through his little world in the Mexican train.

He walked down a hall with dead bodies everywhere, hanging from the ceiling by meat hooks with their faces torn off. On the pile of faces was the Flamingo, eating them as he hissed with pleasure with every gnaw and tear.

"Hello Flamingo," sighed Simon Hurt as he walked by, "Please don't make a mess, that...would be my job." Flamingo only glanced slightly as he watched the depressed Hurt walk away, then returning to his face binge.

The next room was more morbid, it was a room filled with cages filled with kidnapped teenage women, crying and calling for help as Professor Pyg watched from his stool, chuckling and oinking as he stared at them with his creepy blank eyes.

Simon Hurt walked to Pyg as he entered the fruits of human trafficking, then saying with a deep sadness, "Hello, Pyg."

Pyg turned to him with a frown in his emotionless face. "Doctor? Why are you so sad? Why has my bondage prince fallen into depression?"

"Oh, Lazlo, you read me like a tome," sighed Simon Hurt sadly, "My decadence knows no true bounds, and I delight in every hour, but you see, I-" He was then interrupted by a hand reaching out and grabbing his coat, a teenager sobbing uncontrollably. He growled and slapped her hand a way, grabbing a cattle prod and shocking her as she shrieked in pain.

"Black humor is so unappreciated now a days," sighed Simon Hurt as he repositioned his attire, scrounged up by the teenage slave's hand.

"I quite agree," grumbled Pyg as he grabbed a fire hose and blew water at them, pushing the teenagers back by the pressure. He then turns to Hurt and asks, "Now, tell Pyggie what exactly is the problem?"

"Oh…just alone…" he sighed out, "I feel that I have no one to relate to. No one to converse with. It seems that all is lost for this demon, eh Pyg?"

"Oh, pish posh pash!" oinked Professor Pyg, swiping his hand at Hurt and lightly hitting his chest, "I felt the same way. Dollotrons everywhere dumb as a blind chicken, and none to converse with that share my demented world of perversion. Mother always says the same damn thing…never anything…**FRESH**! But…then…I realized something…"

Simon Hurt leaned closer, waiting to hear what his friend had to say. Pyg smiled and inhaled slightly, then saying loudly, "WHO…CARES? If you have no one to talk to, talk to yourself! The one person who knows you best! Who cares if the whores care not for your words! All that matters is what you think and what you want to discuss! So, talking to yourself would be perfect, no? It is the only way!"

Simon chuckled with pleasant joy, shaking his head as he looked at Professor Pyg, "Oh, dear Pyg, what would one do without you?"

"Die, die and dine for all eternity!" swooned Professor Pyg with slobber from his lips.

"Come here, I want to kiss you on the lips," said Simon Hurt.

"Yessir!" said Pyg with delight.

The two leaned in and gave each other a peck on the lips, Hurt's peckers touching Pyg's chapped and salivated lips for a brief second. But even by one second, it was enough to disgust the teenage captives when they saw such a horrid act. But hey, it could have been worse, they could have had a wet French Kiss!

"Now, I must go, a teenage boy is waiting for a bullet to the brain," said Simon Hurt with a smile.

"Yes, my bondage prince, I-" Pyg was interrupted by his cellphone, playing the tune of some dubstep song, I couldn't tell you who made it to save my life. He pressed the call button and pressed it against his ear, "Yes? Okay. Okay. Sure. Yes. Yessss! Oh damn! Oh god! Yeah? Yeah? YEAH? Okay."

He turned off the phone and opened one of the cages, pulling out a random teenager and dragging her away by the hair as she sobbed lightly.

"Just got to prep _**Anna Blue**_ for you, doctor!" grumbled Pyg, waddling away with the teenager.

Simon Hurt then clasped his hands together to his mouth, shouting out, "Pyg! Get her drugged up to the point of confusion! I don't care for tears!"

After that, he stood in place, staring into oblivion with a sigh. He turned around, walked away as he muttered to himself, "Black comedy…still such an unappreciated art form."

* * *

><p><strong>Batman &amp; Superman: Public Nudity<strong>

Superman and Batman both sat at a couch together in the Wayne Manor, reading the newspaper as the television was playing "To Catch a Predator"…and caused another suicide.

Batman put the newspaper down, sighing and said, "Superman, as much as it is good to see you again, I do have to ask one thing."

"Mhm?" replied Superman, reading an article he wrote.

"Is there any reason you came over to my mansion?" interrogated Batman with a gruff.

"Well…eh…" let out a anxious Superman, placing the Daily Planet paper down and saying, "We never…talk to each other that much…and I…well…I would love…to team up…sometime."

Batman stared at Superman for a long time, but then shrugged and said, "Sure, we can team-up. What did you have in mind?"

"Well!" explained Superman with excitement, "In a few days, this meteor is going to hit the Earth, destroying a quarter of Brazil. You and I could go out into space and stop-"

"Exactly, stop," grunted Batman, "You forget one giant detail: How the hell am I going to stop a meteor. I may be Batman, but I'm not Blue Beetle. I just can't pull gadgets outta my ass that can stop a meteor. Sure, I may have shark-repellant, but I am still working on meteor-repellant…it's not as easy as it looks!"

"…_Meteor-Repellant_?" scoffed Superman.

"Yes! Meteor-Repellant!" yelled Batman angrily, "But until I finish that, all I could do is stand around in space yelling at you what you are doing wrong. I can do that, I can breath in space."

"You can?" let out Superman with surprise.

"Yes, I'm Batman!" argued Batman with a glare, "For you see, I am a super powered superhero, and my superpower is being Batman. Grant Morrison said that, and you can't deny it, he wrote All-Star Superman, meaning he has just as much power over you as much as he has power over me!"

Superman didn't reply, only looking at him and repeating, "_**Meteor-Repellant!?**_"

"Yeah, got the idea from a **Johnny Test **episode," explained Batman with a shrug.

"Uh, yeah, I am not one-hundred percent sure that **Johnny Test** is a good show to be inspired by," breathed out Superman.

"Yeah…maybe that wasn't a good idea," sighed Batman, then saying with an epiphany, "Hey! I know how we could work together on!"

"Yes?" asked Superman with a raised brow.

"I have been tailing this child pornography ring for some time," explained Batman calmly, "Maybe you and I could work together and-"

"Batman…I'm sorry…but…" let out Superman, hanging his head low, "I don't think I have the heart…"

"Pardon?" questioned Batman as he looked at the distraught Superman.

Superman looked at his palms, his super-palms with expressionless eyes, saying with a dead tone, "If I ever got my hands on a pedophile…I think I will kill him…"

Batman didn't say a word, just looking at the Man of Steel and seeing the weakness to Superman's psychological mind unfold before him. "…I can do that whole pornography thing by myself, actually. That's the difference between you and me, I deal with this kind of evil all my life. I am tough, like a nut! A Bat-Nut!"

"Good point," sighed Superman, shaking his head, then saying with enthusiasm, "How 'bout we stop a bank robbery?"

"Yeah, and let **you** do all the work while I sit on the sidelines and yell at you what you are doing wrong!" argued Batman, then grunting before he explains with annoyance, "You are too powerful. **I **am a tactical genius while **you **are an unstoppable juggernaut, the robbery will be over in **two seconds flat**!"

"What about the hostages?" egged Superman, nudging the Bat's shoulders, "You can go in and rescue them so that the robbers don't use them as meat-shields!"

"You are faster than a speeding bullet, I am one-hundred percent sure you can save the hostages without my help!" growled Batman with anger.

"Oh…good point," sighed Superman bashfully, "Perhaps I am too strong, but I can't help that."

"I know," sighed Batman, thinking a bit before saying, "Maybe we could go and save Lois Lane, she's always in trouble."

"Oh, yeah, you save her and I'll just sit on my ass and watch you steal my kinda-girlfriend off to have anonymous sex with!" growled Superman, who then breathed in and yelled, "Not! Gonna! Happen!"

"Are you **still **going to hold that against me, Clark?" grunted Batman in annoyance, "I dated her **ONE TIME**!"

"Yes, Bruce," growled Superman, "You may be a **unabashed lady-killer** with the ability to seduce the pants out of women, but it is harder for me to get women than it seems. If I try to be sexual in any way, people start saying things about me! Bad things! Saying things like I'm a** pervert** or a **misogynist** or** the bloomin' Homelander**! I am NOT going back to the Silver Age, Batman! Not for you! **NOT FOR ANYBODY!**"

Superman then grabbed a paper bag and began breathing into it rapidly as Batman looked at him with fear. He knew if Superman decided to screw the rules and give into his animal instincts, he'd break him in ways Bane would only imagine.

"Uh…let's talk…about something else," let out Batman, "Like…uh…what were we talking about? I got lost by your psycho-boyfriend babbly-bob."

"We were **trying** to find how we two could work together," explained Superman as he waved his hands around casually, "I suggested we stop a meteor, you said no, and then there was something about Johnny Test, with a me-"

"I didn't say **anything **about Johnny Test," added Batman with a scowl.

"Yes, yes you **did**," corrected Superman with a wag of his finger, then thinking a bit as he looked up, "Actually…there **has** been something I wanted to ask you about Johnny Test."

"Shoot, buddy," sighed Batman, eating some chips as he looked at the television, where it was a program that was saying how bad television was but it kinda seems hypocritical since it is on the television.

"Well, we all know Johnny Test can be the World's Biggest Prick, eh?" started out Superman with a shrug, Batman had to nod, "_Well_…it just has to be asked. Is his father…a bad dad?"

"Where the **hell** did that come from?" chuckled a confused Batman, looking at Superman with a raised brow.

"Meh, just wanna know," sighed Superman, "I have been having this feeling about Hugh Test and I just want to know if I'm the only one who thinks he's a horrid father. Lex Luthor says no, but I never allow _**his**_ opinion to enter my mind frame. So, I ask you this question, hoping you share my beliefs."

"Well…" sighed Batman, slapping his knees, "Let's see. He belittles his son by admiring his sisters more, he grounds him constantly for small things, acts antagonistic at any given moment, and force-feeds that horrid meatloaf."

"Yeah, and remember that time he was going to send his son to Boot Camp?" reminded Superman.

"Yeah…WAY too enthusiastic in sending his son to a boot camp that is called almost like a prison," rambled on Batman, "Hugh Test is just as bad as the Turners, and his wife doesn't do crap, sitting there and not doing a damn thing."

"But that kid did have it coming," added Superman cautiously, "Johnny Test is, like I said, a little prick."

"True, but how do you think that happened?" enlightened Batman as he poked Superman's face with a large open grin.

Superman thought a bit as he glared at Batman, then widened his eyes in realization. "Oh. My. Shuster. That man has turned his son into a sociopath by mentally abusing the little butt-nose…"

"Damn straight," finished Batman, nodding his head, "That boy ain't right because his father ain't right. It's you with Superboy minus five…because Hugh Test actually **tries** to be a father."

Superman was not amused, glaring at Batman with his arms crossed together. He breaths in slightly and says, forgetting Batman's jab, "Well…what could we do about Hugh Test?"

Batman thought for a second, getting up and pacing around as _**Secret Life of an American Teenager**_, where it had that whole scene where that one chick goes crazy and says _**how incredible sex killed her father**_. Batman chuckled and shook his head, because if the sex was so incredible that it killed her father, then they are doing something right.

The Dark Knight turned to Superman and said with great pride, "Listen, my Boy Scout friend, we will do something that will require dimensional travel…and a butt-load of confidence!"

Superman raised his brow at the Batman, ready to listen to this plan to work together on…

**IN A DIFFERENT DIMENSION**

"**JOHNNY**!" shouted Hugh Test, looking down at his son, Johnny Test, as the two stood in the middle of a destroyed kitchen. Johnny looked at the floor with shame as Hugh looked at him with fury.

"You use mental powers to psychologically scar that Bumper kid, fire a laser into Somalia, destroy the Shroud of Turin with one of your **Power Poots**, transported your sisters to Apokalips, and **started a war with Denmark**!" berated Hugh Test angrily, "That…I could forgive. But when you destroy my kitchen and send my meatloaf into space, **YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR**!"

"Dad, I think you might be overreacting a bit with the meatloaf," groaned Johnny Test, "I think the other stuff was WAY worse than your meatloaf catastrophe."

Hugh shook his head with disbelief, then yelling out, "That's it, mister! You're grounded! Four months!"

"WHAT!?" gasped Johnny in pure shock, "That's just…just…"

"Don't make me add another month, sonny!" threatened Hugh with a dark grin.

Johnny growled, stomping away from him, then turning to his father and yelling, "I wish Batman and Superman were here, then they'd beat you up for being a mean dad!"

Hugh laughed at his son, saying a dark pride, "Please, those stupid tight-wearing bullies in those mind-draining comic-books don't scare me."

And after he said that, Batman and Superman crashed through the wall right on schedule, posing heroically as the Dark Knight growled out, "How about_ now_, **punk**?"

Hugh screamed in terror and held out a baking pan out in defense, "Wuh-wuh-wuh…you can't be real! You're comic book-"

"So you said," chuckled Superman, his eyes glowing red as he shot his heat vision at the metal pan, causing it to glow with extreme heat. Hugh screamed as he dropped it, shivering in fear in the presence of two American icons.

"What do you want?" whimpered Hugh, Johnny watching with amazement in the sidelines.

"We're here to beat you up!" announced Superman with a proud booming voice.

"For what!?" let out Hugh in terror.

"For being a bad dad," revealed Batman with his trademark glare. Johnny fist-pumps in victory.

Hugh Test then scoffs and asks condescendingly, "Really? Then why aren't you beating up Superman?"

As Batman snickered at the fact he too wasn't the only one who thinks Superman is a bad dad, Superman was furious, his teeth grinding as steam exited his nostrils. "Dead. Meat."

Suddenly, Superman flew at Hugh and punched him in the gut, sending the bad dad into the fridge. He groaned in pain as Superman pulled him out and held his arms back as Batman walked over with some brass knuckles. The Bat-Knuckles.

"No! Noooo!" screamed Hugh Test, but was silenced by Batman sending flurries of punches at his pudgy stomach.

"Taste the bat-fist, ya meatloaf-lovin' freak!" growled Batman, raising his fist up in the air as the dad screamed in terror, causing Superman to smile in sadistic pleasure.

"NO! PLEEAASE!" begged Hugh, only to be struck in the face by Batman, the two heroes laughing at the wimpy father's misfortune.

Johnny Test watched as the DC Superheroes beat his father to a pulp before him, chuckling as he clapped his hands. "I am sooooo posting this on Facebook!"

"Well then, post this on Facebook!" growled Batman as he beat up Hugh Test, "We're gonna beat **YOU** up next!"

Johnny Test screamed as he ran upstairs, knowing full well he has little time to run when the Dark Knight and the Man of Steel are out to beat the crap out of him…

…At least they were pre-occupied with his father though…

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I'd like to give a big-shout out to the mysterious Anyomous, whomever he or she is, for giving me this idea. The idea of Superman and Batman teaming up to figure out why to team-up…only to team-up to beat up Johnny Test's dad. And I know that they are doing God's work now, eh?<strong>

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS! And because I love ya, here are TWO BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Simon Hurt AKA Thomas Wayne

**Voice Actor:** Matt Berry (Also known as Todd Rivers…evidently, he is also the voice actor for Thomas Wayne. Strange.)

**Description:** He looks like Thomas Wayne…you wish for more description for Hurt? Okay. He has brown combed hair, looks to be around his late-forties or early-fifties, has a seductive grin, and looks just like Thomas Wayne. He wears this costume Thomas Wayne (whom they share a visual look with each other) wore one Halloween that inspired Batman to be Batman. It is this black tuxedo with a Victorian cape and a black mask that covers his eyes and end in ear-like spikes.

**Likes:** Debauchery, Sin, Yoo-Hoo, Zzzquil, Drugs, Wine, Sex, Riding around in his Mexican Train, Being plain-old hammy, Screwing with the Batman's mental health, and Anna Blue (For the moment).

**Dislikes:** One thing: People pitying him because of his whole crazy status.

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Professor Pyg AKA Lazlo Valentin

**Voice Actor:** Eric Wareheim (Come on…no one is going to fight me on this. Two crazy people with crazy lives…this is perfect. :D)

**Description:** He is fat, pale, and suffers from acne and bacne, with greasy black hair topped off by the pedophile bangs. He wears nothing but red boxers, black galoshes, leather mad scientist gloves, and a white bloody apron. And finally, his pink plaster pig mask that shows off his pale white eyes and his slobbering mouth filled with yellow rotten teeth. All in all, this guy is simply unpleasant.

**Likes:** Music, Making people 'perfect', drugs like Botox and PCP, Johnny Test, Dollotrons, His Mommy Made of Nails, and Candle Cove (his favorite TV show).

**Dislikes:** This music, Batman, People laughing at his work, His Mommy telling him he could do better, and being told he was fat.


	40. Return to Kill R Croc's

**The Banana Slug: After going to Chuck E. Cheeses for my nephew's birthday, I was once more inspired, inspired by dumb idiotic genius…and apparently hypocrisy.**

**I remembered one chapter I wrote, a long, long, long, long time ago! With Killer Croc, Batman, Robin, Joker, Harley Quinn, and Scarecrow for some reason!**

**And after going to some place that sells mediocre pizza, awesome games, and sponsored by a rat, I think I should return to that chapter with.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 40: Return to Kill R. Croc's**

* * *

><p><strong>Where a Kid can be a Topping<strong>

We return to Kill R. Croc's, with everything much more updated, no more broken appliances, games actually working, and chairs, finally! Chairs! **CHAIRS!**

Excuse me. Killer Croc stood at the front desk in misery, scowling with hate as Moira from that particular chapter walking to him holding a pizza box.

"What the hell are you moping about?" scoffed Moira, "You got to keep the cruddy restaurant."

"Yeah, but that is because I was court-ordered to work here," grumbled Killer Croc, "Gordon is on my ass and I can't eat a single person on my work hours…"

"…You were court-ordered to work at the same place you attempted to eat people in?" questioned Moira understandably.

"But at least I can make the pizza crappy to compensate," sighed Killer Croc, "But all in all, the lack of mass murder makes me loath being alive."

"Drama Croc…" added Moira under her breath. Killer Croc released an intimidating guttural growl at her, before returning to his rant.

"The only good thing is the money, an endless amount of quarters to pay my bail off," grumbled Killer Croc.

"Wow…you need quarters to pay your bail?" scoffed Moira once more.

"Moira, I don't need crap from some Thriftie rip-off!" yelled Killer Croc angrily, "That is why the **real** Thriftie is assistant manager."

Just then, Thriftie, an obscure one-shot character from the Animated Series, walked past the two with her vacant look as she carried a basket full of tickets, adding a simple, "Told ya" as she walked away, Moira giving her a dark glare as she walked away.

"…Yeah, well…" continued a slightly put-off Moira, "…It just seems weird they'd let you work in the same place you attempted to eat children at..."

"Attempted?" grunted out a flabbergasted Killer Croc.

"But at least you are makin' a profit," added Moira, patting her boss' back hesitantly.

"Yeah…but seeing all this fresh meat running around without me to sink my teeth into…" bemoaned Killer Croc as he watched the crowd having fun in his ex-trap, "Watching them play and live out their lives while I work and dance for their amusement…"

**BATMAN**

On one table sat Batman, Robin, Nightwing, Oracle, and Catwoman. At the end of the table was Batgirl, sitting with elated eyes.

"Are ya happy you get to spend your birthday in Kill R. Croc's?" Batman asked slowly to Batgirl.

"Yep," she replied simply.

"You are gonna love the gift we got ya, Batgirl!" announced Nightwing happily as he rested his arm on his girlfriend.

Oracle sighed and admitted carelessly, "Really though, I got her the gift and Nightwing was too lazy to get one and asked if we could-"

"ANYWAY!" interrupted a nervous Nightwing, "I think you'll like the gift."

"And mine too," added Catwoman happily, then whispering into Batgirl's ear discretely, "But don't open it here, open it in your bedroom."

"I'm just wondering why we are going to a place you busted Killer Croc in," reminded Oracle, with Robin jumping around and tugging Batman's cape.

"They have a discount on people who were here before and I decided to…uh…" Batman lost concentration with his sidekick yanking at his cape and giggling like a little Joker. Batman spun around and yelled, "HERE ARE YOUR DAMN QUARTERS!" as he threw them at Robin, causing him to fall on the floor as everyone laughed with amusement as he fell unconscious.

"Ho ho…I remember the times you threw quarters at me," laughed Nightwing, "Good times, good times."

"Batgirl, go and play some games with Robin," told Batman as Robin dazedly got up, "The adults wanna talk."

"Cake?" asked Batgirl with a tilt of the head and elated eyes.

"Cake afterwards, now go out there and have fun!" ordered Batman sternly. Suddenly, from out of nowhere popped out Killer Croc with a large grin.

"Hey hey! Where's the Birthday Girl!" roared Killer Croc in forced delight. This caused Batgirl to suddenly start screaming in terror and crying bullets as she froze in fear, much like all children when they see foam characters with giant heads.

"Get outta here, Croc!" yelled Catwoman angrily, "You're scaring the Birthday Girl!" Killer Croc slowly descended into nothingness, removing him from their presence as Batgirl still cried softly as she was scared by the mascot/owner.

**JOKER**

At the front doors entered Joker and Harley, with Harley dragging her man down to the desk as Joker dragged his feet in annoyance, covering his face from any onlookers.

"Oh Mistah J, I'm so glad you agreed comin' here!" giggled Harley in happiness.

"…I should not be here…" grumbled the Joker, frowning deeply as he darted his eyes around.

"Oh! What's the mattah?" she groaned out, paying Thriftie at the cashier stand with stolen money.

"What's a mattah!?" imitated Joker angrily, then explaining with fury, "_What's a mattah _is that I shouldn't be here! Do you know what I look like?"

"I don't know what you are talkin' 'bout!" scoffed Harley as she held onto his arm.

"What I'm _talkin' 'bout _is the fact I look like a pedophile!" growled the Joker angrily, trying to shake Harley off his arm.

"Huh!? You do NOT look like a pedo!" argued Harley, refusing to let go of his arm.

"Harls! I am a white male, I have bad hair, I have a rapey grin, and I don't shower," explained Joker adamantly, "People are gonna look at me and say, 'Oh that guy is a pedophile! Hide the kids'! Do you want that to happen to me!? Huh!? **HUH**!?"

"Joker, you are gettin' a **bit** too paranoid, y'know!" consoled Harley Quinn, "That whole white male thing is cause you got in that chemical accident. And ya don't have 'bad hair', you have sexy anime hair. Thirdly, that rapey grin'a yours makes you sexy. And finally, baby, I'm sorry, but even Jack Sparrow showers a bit."

"Don't start, Harls, you know as well as I do that your opinion matters nada to me," sighed Joker with annoyance.

"Yeah, that's true…" she sighed in equal annoyance, then saying, "Sometimes, I don't know 'bout you.""Not me! My opinion never changes about you!" announced Joker with a smile.

"And what's that suppose to mean!?" she growled out, leaning at him with daggers in her eyes.

"You have a nice personality," answered Joker with a dumb grin.

"Ohoh! Mr. J…you dastardly heart-stealer," giggled Harley, still holding onto Joker's arm, much to his discomfort.

"HELLOOOO!" called out a voice, both looking to see Mad Hatter playing a shooting game with Riddler, leaving Riddler hanging with a wave of killer wasps.

As the two watched him return to his game, Joker and Harley scowled and stared at Mad Hatter with suspicion.

"He's a pedophile," assumed Joker coldly.

"He's obviously a pedophile," groaned Harley with contempt.

**RED HOOD AND THE OUTLAWS**

Over at the Skeeball area of the ocean of arcade games and screaming children, there was Red Arrow (or Arsenal) throwing those balls at the holes, only getting the lower numbers, growling every time he gets no score. Red Hood was behind him and eating a slice of anchovy pizza with his mask slightly up, Starfire next to him fist-pumping encouragingly to Red Arrow.

"You done sucking yet?" asked Red Hood obnoxiously, chewing loudly with greasy pizza in his mouth.

"Stuff it, Todd!" growled Red Arrow, "I'm having fun!" Four tickets plopped out from the little dispenser, adding salt to the wounds.

"Friend Roy, there is a question that has been poking my butt," said Starfire as she raised her hand, "What is the continuity in this universe? In the old verse your daughter was dead, in the reboot your daughter never existed, and in that Young Justice show your daughter is alive. What about this world?"

"My daughter is dead, Starfire!" grumbled a butt-hurt Roy Harper, "Like how it is suppose to NOT be!"

"Would her being retconned be better?" teased Red Hood, yanking his mask back down.

"NO!" screamed an angry Red Arrow, throwing the ball only for it to ricochet off the glass and bounce off his head, "Oof! Toyman's Happy Fun Ball!" Roy fell on his back as Red Hood and Starfire stood before him.

"…Sucks to be you, yes?" asked Starfire.

"…You're lucky you are smoking, Starfire, cause if Todd said that, he'd be a dead man," growled Red Arrow as he got up, with a huge bump on his forehead.

Red Hood sighed and grabbed Red Arrow's satchel of tokens, leading the Outlaws to a coin game called "Two-Face Two-Coins", where you put a coin in it and you try to hit the right coin.

"What the hell is this!?" growled an unamused Roy Harper, "These games are boring as hell!"

"I agree with friend Arrow, these games do in fact blow chunks," quipped Starfire with a smile.

"That may be true…" sighed Red Hood, placing one coin in and watching it hit the right coin, with the dispenser spurting out a hundred tickets for the Red Hood. The vigilante turned around and stated calmly, "But it is the fastest that gets you into the winner's circle."

Both the sidekick and the alien stood there with slack-jaws, amazed at this trauma victim's success with an actually very easy game. It's just that it's no fun at all.

**SCARECROW**

Scarecrow was over at the pinball machine, based on **Dunston Checks In **of all things. He turns to us as he hit's the pinball with the flippers, saying one single thing.

"Boo!" said the Scarecrow.

Again, pointless.

**ROBIN**

Robin waited on a bench as he watched Batgirl ride on a car ride, which only shook back and forth as Batgirl hummed to herself peacefully next to a plaster Dalmatian. When the ride stopped, she put another token in the ride, humming to herself as she rode the thing…for the fifty-first time.

"Cassie!" whined Robin, "You've been riding on that thing forever! Can we play some games?"

"No!" replied Batgirl simply.

"**_Batman!_**" called out Robin in annoyance.

"**ROBIN!** This is Batgirl's birthday she gets to do whatever she damn wants now shut up!" yelled Batman from across the establishment. Robin groaned as he sat back down, with Batgirl moving her head left and right slowly in harmony as the toy car over and over again.

"Don't you want prizes?" egged Robin, leaning in closely hoping to get her off the thing.

"Prizes?" she inquired as she continued to ride, pressed next to the plaster Dalmatian.

"Yeah…like water guns and action figures and Happy Fun Balls," rambled Robin eagerly, "And candy!"

"Candy?" squeaked Batgirl happily with a gleam in her eye.

"Oh yeah!" tantalized Robin keenly, "Lots and lots of candy…and floaties!"

"FLOATIES!" shrieked an excited Batgirl.

"Yeah…but we can't get those because this thing doesn't give out tickets," told Robin, feeling proud as he was ready to play some games.

However, his victory was spoiled as Red Hood walked over with an armful of tickets, placing them in front of Batgirl. Her eyes lit up as she stared at the pile of tickets landed in front of her lap.

"Happy Birthday, Cassie," said Red Hood calmly.

"JASON!" whined Robin loudly.

"Stop PMSing, Rubbin'," groaned Red Hood, " And stop thinkin' of yourself for once, will ya? You ain't the center of the fuckin' universe."

Red Arrow and Starfire walked over to see Red Hood giving away all his tickets to the birthday girl. "Duuuude!" groaned Red Arrow, "ALL. THE. TICKETS!?"

"Don't have a butt-hurt, Roy," growled Red Hood, "Who cares? The shit here sucks anyway. All we could get here is candy and junk."

"I like the candy and junk," whined Starfire, with the three Outlaws walking away as Batgirl put in another token into the car ride. Robin sighed in misery as he kicked his feet on the floor.

**NIGHTWING AND ORACLE**

"**JUST GO PLAY WITH SOME RANDOM KID ON THE AIR HOCKEY**!" roared Batman angrily from the table at his ungrateful sidekick, still sitting with Catwoman, Nightwing, and Oracle at the table.

He sighed and turned to the young couple, "You sure are lucky, I have to deal with this crap all day long. Just be glad you don't have to be Batman, Dick."

"Yeah, funny," sighed Nightwing as he took a drink of his soda, "But you old people have each other, I just wish me and Oracle have what you two have."

"And what would that be?" asked Catwoman with a smile.

"I think he is asking why we aren't swingers like you two," added Oracle with a straight face. Nightwing choked on his drink for a second or two.

"We ain't swingers," growled Batman angrily, "We are…we are…we're just in an open relationship."

"Yes, that is what swingers are," corrected Oracle with a smirk.

"Friggin' Hipsters…" growled the Bat under his breath.

"All you need to do to be swingers is throw most of your inhibitions, not all, because you could get into some serious trouble with that," advised Catwoman with a smile as her boy toy rambled under his breath, "**One:** Set some ground rules, this includes too much affection with the _others_, like holding hands, maybe kissing. **Two:** Don't fall in love with the swing-targets, treat them like friends and everything should be easy-peasy-lemon squeezy. **Three:** Jealousy has NO place in an open relationship, but it is perfectly fine to be cautious."

"Have you ever been _cautious_, Selina?" asked Oracle.

"Talia. Al. Ghul," emphasized Catwoman coldly, taking a sip of her soda before continuing, "Talia is a bitch, but Brucie can't seem to see it. He just cares about that hot tan Arabian tail to see that she is nothing but a conniving little cu-"

"Catwoman, you are, uh, kinda shrimping out on your own rules there," added Batman, saving everyone from the Cat's rant.

"Oh…yeah…" let out an ashamed Catwoman, twiddling her fingers as she sported an embarrassed blush, "My bad."

The whole table was silent as they all twiddled their fingers at the same time, it seems that nervous people do that when their emotions are uncertain. "…Well, anyway, if we ever DO decide to become swingers," let out Oracle hesitantly, "I think we would have to be very selective. Very. Selective…Very."

"Starfire misses you," blurted out Nightwing, darting his eyes a bit.

"…Well…" was all that Oracle said, shifting her eyes as well as she took a small sip of her soda, "So does Red Hood…"

"…Wat," let out an incredibly-worried Nightwing.

"Okay, I gotta go to the litter box," said Catwoman, sliding under the table and quickly standing in front of it, "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer." With that, Catwoman walked calmly over to the girl's bathroom, leaving Batman with the young couple to his displeasure.

"…Sooooo…how's the Teen Titans?" asked Batman with a bead of sweat.

"Batman…I haven't been with the Titans since I was a Robin," added a crass Nightwing.

"Oh…" let out Batman, whistling out after that dumb comment. With a groan he then asked, "Well, you are doing good on Young Justice…"

Nightwing stared at him with a raised brow, then stating in pure deadpan, "Thank you…"

**CATWOMAN**

The sly Catwoman opens the door to the bathroom to see Harley Quinn put more make-up on her make-up-filled face. Catwoman walked over and grabbed a brush from Harley and put some on her cheeks.

"Hey Selina," said Harley simply.

"Hey Harley," replied Catwoman, "So, you still go to restaurants like these?"

"Yeah, but I think Mr. J hates going here," sighed a disappointed Harley, "It's strange, I thought he eats places like these up…"

"I think it's because he looks like a pedophile," quipped Catwoman, finishing her make-up as she walked over to one of the stalls.

"He said the same damn thing!" argued Harley Quinn, following her as she walked over to the next one, "I think he's a more Jack Sparrow kinda guy, no one sees it but me!"

"He's a Sid Vicious type of guy, Harley," corrected Catwoman, swinging the door open, "He's too pale to be Jack."

"Oh yeah?" Harley said with a sigh, entering and closing the stall, "What do you call someone like Batman?"

"I guess like a Bruce Willis or a Jason Statham kinda guy," said Catwoman as the two were in their stalls, "And, as hard it is too believe, he does have a lot of George Clooney in him. Maybe not as Batman but-"

"Catwoman, I'm tryin' to poop," called out Harley from the stall.

"Sorry," apologized Catwoman with a grunt. With that, silence was there as the two pooped, but that is all I will describe, because I hate watersports.

**BATGIRL**

Batgirl was once again at the table as everyone was gathered there with her at the end of the table, this included Batman, Robin, Oracle, Nightwing, and even Red Hood. They all waited for Catwoman to eventually get her butt from the crapper and join in on the fun.

Batman tapped the table in annoyance as the birthday girl bounced slightly up and down with excitement and impatience.

"Batgirl," said Oracle, trying to break the ice, "I just want to say that I am so happy that you are-"

"CAAAKE!" growled Batgirl in an inhuman Cookie Monster voice, "**NOOOOW**!"

"Wait until Catwoman gets back," repeated Batman.

"Yeah, that'll calm her down," muttered Red Hood as he played with his silver ware.

"Shut it, Jason," grumbled Batman.

"Eat me, Bruce," retorted Red Hood only to be grabbed by the collar and shook wildly by the Batman.

"**DON'T USE MY REAL NAME**!" he roared in paranoid anger.

"Okay! Okay! Jeez!" let out an intimidated Red Hood, watching as Batman slowly let go of his collar and returned to non-concentration as Batgirl still bounced up and down. After the long wait, Catwoman finally returned with her looking fresh and relaxed. With a jump, she landed next to Batman and set next to him with a kiss to the cheek.

"Sorry, I was having a talk with Harley Quinn," she excused with a purr.

"Caaaaaake!" groaned Batgirl as she went through cake-withdrawal.

"We can have cake now, Batgirl," said Batman, finally giving in to her psychopathic needs, "But it ain't no ordinary cake, it's a Bat-Cake."

"Okay, Cassie, Killer Croc's coming over to bring your cake, so don't freak out," urged Oracle, putting her hand on her shoulder.

"Uh, 'kay," replied Batgirl, hardly listening, looking around for cake.

With that, Killer Croc walked out with Thriftie and Moira at his side, him holding the large Bat-Cake on a platter. Batgirl saw Killer Croc walk over, getting teary-eyed as she let out a soft little squeak of fear. "Miiiiiii!"

Killer Croc put the cake on the table, next to the crappy pizza. He bowed and he, along with his workers, walked away.

"Hey! It's her birthday!" called out Red Hood, "I am sure you know what that entitles, eh!?"

Moira walked over with disdain and took her top off, revealing her grey sports bra-covered chest as she moved her body slightly with little to no care. "Happy Birthday, it's your birthday. Happy Birthday, it's your birthday."

All the men sported perverted grins and devious glares, the women were not amused. After the G-rated strip-tease, she put her top on and walked away with great shame.

"Okay, time for the birthday song!" cheered out Oracle, everyone cheering along with her while Batgirl just eyed at the cake with want.

And so, without delay, everyone began to sing, "Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy-"

It was all interrupted when Cassandra Cain slammed her face into the cake, covering everyone in bits of chocolate cake, herself digging into the cake with a Cookie Monster-like fashion.

Everyone was shocked by her action, watching as she devoured the cake somehow, due to her mask covering her face but let us screw logic up its sweet sex and just run with it.

"…BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

Everyone, except for the gluttonous Batgirl, looked to see Red Hood laughing like mad. And soon, everyone joined him as they laughed, Batgirl savagely devouring her cake with pure animal instincts.

As they all laughed like they were part of some crappy 1980s cartoon, Scarecrow walked past with a bucket filled with the severed heads of children.

"Freaks…" he muttered out, walking past them and to the exit before someone noticed him. I'm surprised no one noticed him then.

**KILLER CROC**

The Killer Croc leaned against the brick wall, outside of the Kill R. Croc's as he enjoyed a cigarette and looked out into the night sky with a bit of misery.

From the door out came Thriftie and Moira, who also grabbed some cigarettes and smoked with their boss.

"Y'know, I think that Red Hood guy was checking me out," said Moira.

"Nah, there was a beetle on your ass, and he was afraid it would crawl up your butt," said Thriftie.

"Heh…funny," said Moira with little care.

"Mrrrgh," grumbled Killer Croc, "Damn it all…"

Moira and Thriftie both looked at Killer Croc, still smoking their cigs. "Hey Boss…are you alright?" asked Thriftie.

"It's obvious, Thriftie," sighed Moira, "He is miserable not able to eat any of the customers. His plan has been dissected by the judicial system and he is forced to work everyday in a place that holds too many bad memories."

Killer Croc did not respond, but a slight sniffle was heard from him. "…You read me like an open book."

Thriftie sighed, putting out her cigarette and saying, "Look, boss, law says if you were to, well, escape, I get full-ownership of the Kill R. Crocs and Moira becomes Assistant Manager."

"And give up what I worked on?" scoffed Killer Croc, flicking his cigarette away and looking at the two emotionally-dead teenagers, who gave him looks that knew he was full of crap.

Killer Croc growled and looked out at the wharf in front of them, the glistening black water with a round misshapen circle shimmering on the surface, teasing him as the water called to him. Wanting him back.

"Run, Mr. Jones," urged Moira, "Be free."

With a deep breath, Killer Croc took one step and bolted to the water, ripping off his work-shirt and diving into the murky depths. A large splash followed as the dreaded Killer Croc returned to the water. Live there. Die there.

The two teenagers watched Killer Croc disappear, leaving them alone as they continued to smoke their cigarettes.

"Did you mean any of that?" asked Moira.

"Who gives a fuck?" replied Thriftie, "With me as manager, we'll be rolling in the dough. Besides, we can stop that stupid **G-Rated Striptease **he made us do."

"I dunno," sighed Moira with a shrug, "I'm starting to like it." Thriftie gave her an annoyed look of seething unbelief.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Well, this was a bitch to make. Expect an arc the next chapter. :D<strong>

**But anywho, I am not 100% sure about my choice in voice actor in the Batman. I mean, Steve Blum is cool, but could I do better? That is why I am asking YOU, the somewhat-loyal fans if you can help me in this decision. The candidates are:**

**1) Denis Leary (It would have been Bill Hicks, but Denis stole the candidacy from him.)**

**2) Bob Marley the Comedian (Yes, my original choice.)**

**3) Patrick Warburton (Joe Swanson himself, Brock Samson, and maybe Batman.)**

**And**

**4) Steven Blum (If you want to keep it the same.)**

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Killer Croc AKA Waylon Jones

**Voice Actor:** John DiMaggio (Uh, why not!?)

**Description:** He is around twelve feet tall, muscular as hell, and covered in "hunter green" scales with spikes sparsely covering his body. His teeth are yellow and jagged, his eyes red with reptilian pupils, and he has long yellow claws able to slice through steel. He usually wears blue ripped jeans, with a large black belt. He usually never wears a shirt, but when he does, he wears a ripped grey t-shirt or a purple turtleneck sweater.

**Likes:** Meat, Eating people, Poison Ivy, Waffles, Louisiana, Alligator Wrassling, Fishing for Catfish

**Dislikes:** Batman, Vegetables, His restaurant, and French Toast


	41. Batman and the Wrath of Ra's I

**The Banana Slug: And so, here is a new arc, and this one deals with a powerful enemy of the Dark Knight. A foe that spans across the nations and only spoken through whispers…**

**His name…is Frank Millar…**

**Okay, okay, it's Ra's al Ghul!**

**Seriously though, the guy is awesome, he's like an Arabic Fu Manchu. But more badass, and the guy has a killer beard.**

**I don't know WHY I made him into a pot-head, but for some reason, it works. :P**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 41: Batman and the Wrath of Ra's I**

* * *

><p><strong>EPISODE I: The Laughing Menace<strong>

It was a cold night in the Iceberg Lounge, for Mr. Freeze was using one of his Ice Age doomsday schemes. He was in one of his episodes suffering from Irritable Male Syndrome, yes he was PMSing in a male way.

The Iceberg Lounge girls were finishing with their dance, their fishnet stocking legs were tantalizing to all the men, I think Black Canary was undercover back there. Penguin and his men sat casually a large table drinking wine, waiting there or their appointment with the Batman…and speak of the devil, the Penguin looked to see said Dark Knight strolling menacingly to him with Batgirl at his side. The three calmly walked over and sat at the opposite side of the table, with Penguin slowly clapping before them.

"Ah, the pedantic Dark Knight and his inept yet adorable tart, I was expecting you two for far too long," he said in his pseudo-gentlemanly tone.

"Alright Penguin, you know what we want," growled Batman as he and his cute sidekick glared at him, "Give us the Might Blue Diamond you stole from the Cyrus Pinkney Museum or I'll give you one hell of a wallop."

"I will, once you bring me George," demanded the Penguin, then tapping his umbrella on the floor, his men showing off their Tommy guns in intimidation. Batman, with a calm smirk, pulled from his utility belt a small little urn.

Penguin gasped in shock, "But…how did you-"

"Curiosity killed the cat, Oswald," replied the Dark Knight, "Now…the Diamond." Little did Penguin know, was that Catwoman was sitting on one of the support beams overlooking the group.

"Before I give you said George," stalled Batman calmly as a tall gaunt waiter poured the five glasses of wine, "You know my reputation Cobblepot, you know I can beat you and your rag-tag of losers with one-hand behind my back. What makes **you** so sure I won't beat the crap outta you and take back both George and the diamond?"

Suddenly, the waiter slammed his hands on the table, causing Batgirl to squeak and jump into Batman's arms. He looked to see the waiter actually someone he knows very much, someone who haunts his entire life.

"Because, Bat-Boob," chuckled the waiter, "If you don't, everyone, including Penguin, will expect a chaotic stand-up from me! NYAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Batman glared at the Joker, dressed as a waiter as the Clown Prince of Crime stood triumphantly before him.

"You are working for the Joker!?" growled Batman, looking to realize that Batgirl was in his sat at the side of the table as Penguin chuckled calmly. "We worked out our differences," he explained, nodding simply with the Joker. He then ordered gruffly, "Now, give me George. And you get the diamond."

Batman then placed the urn on some glass wheel on the table, I have NO idea what that is. Penguin put the diamond on the other side, then turning it as Joker stared at the small urn with confusion.

"Wow, this George guy is small as hell!" scoffed the Joker. The Penguin reached out and grabbed the urn, looking at it with amazement and awe.

"This…is all that remains…of **George Robert Gray**, the man who categorized the Emperor Penguin," let out Oswald Cobblepot, with everyone looking at him weirdly. After that, Penguin reached out and grabbed his wine glass, watching as Batman did the same.

"A toast?" urged the Penguin with a grin.

"Why not," grunted Batman, then asking Batgirl if she wants to. She shakes her head calmly, as she is under-aged. And so, they all, except for Batgirl, drank their wine calmly.

After they put down the glasses, Penguin then said with a smirk, "I will be having that diamond back now."

"Why should I, Cobblepot?" growled Batman, his frown getting weak as it slowly formed into a smirk.

Joker giggled as he pulled out a small purple vial, dangling it happily. "We'll exchange it for this."

"…What is that?" grunted out Batman, letting out a small cough.

"…The antidote," answered Penguin with a chuckle.

"For…huh, for what?" interrogated Batman, chuckling a bit.

"…The venom you just drank!" revealed Penguin, him and his men laughing out loud as Joker joined them.

"Mmmph…Heh…heheheheh….heheheheh hahahah HAHAHAHAAA! HAHAAA! HAA!" Batman released loud amounts of laughter as Batgirl got up and watched in horror, standing there not knowing what to do.

"HAHAHA! The antidote! BWAHAHAAA! GIVE! IT! PFFT! HAHAHAA!" guffawed Batman, clutching his sides. Catwoman looked down in shock, slowly shaking her head.

"Wawawa! Not until the diamond is returned," laughed Penguin, still laughing at Batman's slow-death. Batgirl growled and pulled out her batarangs, ready to throw them.

"Give me the antidote!" she demanded angrily, with Penguin laughing at her with his men as his belly jiggled from how hard he was laughing.

"STOP LAUGHING!" screamed Batgirl in fury.

"WAWAWAWAAA! I! WAWAWAWA! **I CAN'T!** WAAAWAWAWA!" revealed Penguin, unable to stop laughing as they all looked at Joker, sitting there with a sly grin.

"Weeeeeell, the Joker IS a wild card," snickered the Joker, "But I _could_ give you guys my little antidote, but payment due as they say. The urn…and the diamond…please."

He held out his hand and kept the antidote in his right palm tightly, with Batgirl eyeing it angrily. Batman couldn't help but give in, laughing wildly as he threw the diamond over to him as it landed in front of him. Penguin slamming the urn next to said diamond, still laughing like the penguin he is.

Joker calmly grabbed both artifacts with one hand, putting the urn in his pocket as he eyed the diamond greedily. With a breath, he said with pride, "Thank you boys. I shall be off now, give the devil my dues for me as I will not be joining you in-"

Suddenly, Batgirl grabbed his collar as he glared at her angrily, keeping the antidote away from her as best as he could. The Batgirl would not be alone in this struggle for the Dark Knight's life, as a whip from above grabbed his arm and shoved roughly. He yelled out as he let go of the diamond, his arm hitting a champagne bowl filled with ice as the diamond flew out into a whole cluster of ice cubes on the floor.

"No!" screamed out the Joker, kicking Batgirl in the chest as he jumped onto the floor, scrambling for the diamond. Batgirl stumbled to the table, with Batman falling on the floor laughing his brains out as a permanent grin began to form.

She couldn't help but run over to him and help him up, the laughter turning into weak chuckles as his teeth clenched and his grin grew wide. Batgirl shook her head lightly as she watched her father-figure on the floor dying.

Joker smiled as he grabbed the diamond from the ice, yelling out loudly, "AH-HA!" However, it was cut short by a pair of high-heeled boots slamming against his back. This caused him to grunt out as he inadvertently released the diamond, the rock skidding across the floor.

Catwoman slammed her foot on the back of his head, reaching down and grabbing the antidote from his trembling hand. She looked over to see Batman on the floor, with Batgirl looking down at him with little tears from her eyes.

"Batgirl! Catch!" she called out, throwing the antidote over to her.

Penguin got up from the floor, laughing wildly as he called out, "WAWA! Boys! WAWA! Get that! WAWAWA! Get that! WAWAWA! **GET THE ANTIDOTE! **WAWAWAWAWA!" A bunch of his thugs leapt out like crazy fools, trying to catch the antidote as it flew across the air. They all failed as they slammed against the floor, Batgirl catching it without fail.

She bit off the top and opened Batman's mouth as he chuckled loudly, the purple liquid running down his throat as he began to breath heavily. His grin disappearing as he sighed lightly.

Penguin fell on the floor, almost dead from laughter, with no hope for release from this pain. One of his men leapt from the penguin pool, holding a vial of purple liquid.

"Hey! How did a nobody find my secret stash!?" yelled out Joker, getting up with a black eye and a missing tooth, "I keep that stuff hidden to anal proportions!"

The top was ripped off as the liquid poured down Penguin's mouth, the cruel crime-boss coughing harshly as he shook his head. He slowly and clumsily got up, giving death-glares to all of them, especially to the Joker.

"KILL THEM!" he squawked out furiously, "Keep Joker alive! So that I can KILL HIM MYSELF!"

"Oh doop!" groaned Joker, him and his fellow double-crossers looking to see multiple men in pinstripe suits come out with Tommy guns. Bullets flew out of the machine guns, wildly ripping through anything they crossed paths with.

The trio of do-gooders ducked behind the bar as they began panting wildly from their dire situation. Joker was scrambling on all fours as he ran from the bullets, making Curly Joe noises as he searched for his diamond.

"Batman! How the hell are we gonna get outta this crap!?" yelled out Catwoman, "I can't believe I agreed to this! You get poisoned, we have Penguin's cronies on our asses, and I **CHIPPED A NAIL**!"

"Don't you lose all feminist ideals now Selina!" growled Batman sternly, "I have been in worse situations than this! I had to deal with a bunch of escaped criminals during Knightfall. Sure I had my back broken by Bane, but before that I had a decent record, then Jean-Paul had to go coo-coo all up on-"

"BATMAN!" yelled Batgirl loudly.

"Right, right, sorry," grunted out Batman with sweat dripping from his cheeks.

During this sitcom style bickering, Joker continued to dodge bullets as he looked through the floor for the big fat diamond. With a pant of victory, he reached out and grabbed the object of his desire, standing with victory as he eyed it.

Batman peeked his head from the bar, bullets flying everywhere as he saw his enemy hold the Morning Blue Diamond. "JOKER!" he roared out, the Clown Prince looking at him with his ear-to-ear grin. With a scoff, he dropped the diamond down his pants and ran to the window. He crashed through it with his arms out to shield himself from the glass, falling down out of plain sight.

"Why can't you imbeciles learn how to shoot!?" screamed the Penguin angrily.

Looking to see Batman, Batgirl, and Catwoman race through the bullets as glass and screaming patrons were around the heroes.

Penguin watched in horror as they jumped out the broken window, not knowing they all landed into the cockpit of the Dark Knight's Batwing. From the passenger's seat was Robin, looking behind him with wide-eyed shock.

"Wowwie Doctor Batman! Crash landing!" yelled Robin annoyingly.

"I am not a doctor, Robin!" growled Batman as he took the driver's seat, "And that wasn't crash landing, it was only a crash landing if I screwed up!"

"Not you! The Joker!" corrected Robin, pointing out to the nose of the Batwing. On it was the Joker, laying on it as he groaned out in agonizing pain.

"…Help…me…" he whimpered out, holding his hand out.

"I'll help you…" replied Batman, grabbing his arm and saying with a dark growl, "…back into your cell in Arkham."

He flipped the Joker on his back, slamming him on the floor as he laid there. Looking at the sky with wide eyes and an open mouth, his pain growing worse as he was lying like a corpse and groaning like a zombie.

"Step on it!" ordered Batman gruffly.

"Okey-Dokey, Batman! Hold on to your POTATOES!" screamed out Robin, pushing a button that charged the engines up and closed the cockpit window. The Batwing hovered up in front of the window, with Penguin and his men watching in awe as it hovered in front of them.

Batman opened the window again, only to yell out, "Goodbye, Penguin!" before closing it again with the Batwing flying out into the night sky.

"Goodbye, Batman. Wawawawawa! Wawawawawawa!" chuckled Penguin menacingly, "Wawawawa! WawawaWAWAWA! WAWAWAWA! OH GOD! WAWA! **HE POISONED ME AGAIN! **WAWAWAWAWAAA! **HEEEELP!**"

* * *

><p>"Catwoman, get the diamond," ordered Batman as he flew the jet through the night skies of Gotham City.<p>

"Alright, alright," sighed Catwoman, hesitant at first as she saw where it was put. She grabbed the Joker and slipped her hands down his pants.

"Hey! Those stones are for Batman's hands only!" yelled Joker, blushing a bit.

"Shut up!" snapped Catwoman angrily, suddenly yelping then glaring at the Joker with barred teeth, "Are you enjoying this!?"

"That's not the diamond, darling!" giggled the Joker, causing her to squirm in disgust, still searching for the diamond. Finally, she yanked out the Morning Blue Diamond and eyed it lovingly.

"Wow, this diamond is so beautiful," she gasped with a twinkle in her eye, "It is sooo shiny and pretty…and **shiny**."

"Don't get too attached to it, Catwoman," said Batman calmly, "We're taking it back to India, where it belongs."

Catwoman was too busy eyeing the diamond to hear his words at first, then giving him an unamused look and asking with a low voice, "What?"

"The New Delhi Museum decided the diamond wasn't safe in Gotham due to the Penguin's thievery," explained Batman calmly, "So Gordon told me to return it to India after recovering it. Just a trip through Africa and the Middle-East and-"

"WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! …WHOA!" interrupted a confused and flustered Catwoman, "You said **I** could keep this diamond! We had an agreement!"

"Yes, but that diamond was stolen, and as a heroic vigilante it is my moral duty to return it to its rightful owners," replied Batman with a stoic aura.

Catwoman glared at him, grinding his teeth and trembling through fury. "You…DICK!" she screamed out, "You always have to be the MORAL ASSHOLE! I risked my life to save your ungrateful ass and what do I get? I get an asshole boyfriend who won't even let his girlfriend have a nice little diamond even after I was nice and let this be an OPEN RELATIONSHIP!"

"Well, would you prefer if I was some sort of cackling madman who killed your parents?" growled Batman, then turning around and yelling, "HUH!? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!? You want to live in **Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham**!?"

"At least that Batman knew when a girl wanted some goddamn diamonds!" yelled Catwoman, throwing Joker on the floor with a loud thud, "You never EVER do that for me! It's always justice this, vengeance that, always about you, you ass!"

"Always about me!?" roared Batman, "You constantly steal because of YOU! It's what YOU want! I don't need your hypocrisy on my-"

"Don't you turn this all around me, Bat-Nark!" screamed Catwoman in hateful fury, "You just blame everything except yourself!"

"Go ahead, say it!" yelled Batman, "Say that the only reason I fight crime is because of that reason I cannot speak about because The Joker is here!"

"Maybe it is!" shouted Catwoman.

"Oh! Oh! I cannot believe you said that to me!" roared Batman in fury, "Of all people! You are no better than Hush!"

"Watch it you!" hissed Catwoman.

"Only he would say something that cruel to me!" he roared in blind fury as he flew the Batwing. As they continued to argue, Batgirl sunk into her chair, sniffling loudly as she hid her face in her arms. Robin slid from his seat and crawled to the Joker, both of them holding each other in fear as they watched Batman and Catwoman argue the whole damn way.

* * *

><p><strong>FOURTEEN HOURS LATER<strong>

"YEAH!? WELL YOU SMELL LIKE CAT PISS!" roared Batman, flying his jet over the deserts of Bialya. The sun was blazing as Batgirl was half-awake, unable to sleep. Joker and Robin were nestled together, sleeping like bears as they held onto each other.

"YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH THE JOKER!" she screamed at him with flames in her eyes.

"THAT IS NOT TRUE!" angrily defended the Dark Knight, "IT IS ALL JUST HIS HOPEFUL SLASH DREAMS! **NEVER! GONNA! HAPPEN! **END OF STORY!"

As they continued to argue, the jet flying past the mountains like a crow in the day, they did not notice a group of armed men on the mountain sides. All wore turbans and heavy clothing, all sporting high-grade military equipment.

"We've got them on our sights," said one of the mercenaries, talking into his walkie-talkie with a grunt.

"Very good…bring the Detective down," ordered a dark menacing voice.

With that, one of them grabbed an RPG from a straw-filled box. He quickly loaded it and aimed it right at the Dark Knight's Batwing, aiming carefully with a dark grin on his face.

Inside of the Batwing the situation hasn't changed, Batman and Catwoman arguing so long they began losing their voices.

"YOUR DICKISH BEHAVIOR IS MAKING ME SERIOUSLY RECONSIDER THIS WHOLE DAMN RELATIONSHIP!" screamed Catwoman.

"OH YEAH!? GO AHEAD! DO IT!" tempted Batman in anger as he clutched the steering wheel, "SAY THE WORD! Zatanna, Wonder Woman…"

"Uh…Batman," let out Catwoman, her eyes gazing behind the jet.

"Don't walk outta this now, Catwoman! You opened a whole can o' worms right here!" growled Batman, "Vicki Vale, Silver St. Cloud, Shondra Kinsolving, and…ugh…even Chase Meridian."

"Batman!" yelped Batgirl, looking behind the jet as well.

"Sorry we are fighting but this is between me and her, Batgirl!" ordered Batman sternly, then returning to his ass-proving rant, "Black Canary, hell, maybe even Talia al-"

"BATMAN!" they both screamed.

"WHAT!?" he yelled back, only to realize that he has been hit by the RPG missile and the Batwing damaged from behind. It began to whirl around mid-air as Batman, Batgirl, and Catwoman yelled out in terror. Robin and Joker however were still asleep, hard to believe.

"EJECT! EJECT!" screamed Batgirl.

"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!" shouted back Batman, pushing a button before realizing something very important. He looked back to see Robin and Joker still sleeping on the floor, somehow not flailing around as the ship was spinning wildly.

"OH NO! ROBIN!" roared out Batman, flying into the air with Batgirl, Catwoman, and an empty seat as the windshield opened and closed behind them for some odd reason. Batman watched as his sidekick and archnemesis were still in the flailing Batwing, parachuting off into the hot unforgiving desert…

* * *

><p>As the ship continued to twirl around, Robin yawned and scratched his head. He opened his eyes to find that he was in a crashing jet with the Joker being the only person with him. Robin looked in horror, then screaming out and flailing his arms like a muppet, only to be smack in the face by Joker's backhand.<p>

"Shaddap! I'm nappin'!" growled the half-awake Joker. Robin growled and grabbed Joker forcing him up to see the whole situation.

As Joker looked with shock, Robin yelled out, "Feel like nappin' now!?"

Joker began to hyperventilate, wildly looking around as the jet was getting close to the ground. He grabbed Robin's collar and screamed out, "Whatta we gonna do!? WHATTA WE GONNA DO!?"

"Move aside!" ordered Robin, pushing him to the floor as he rushed to the driver's panel, "I'm gonna enter the Aquatic Landing Program, we use this to keep the Batwing from sinking when on water."

"We're not sinking…" yelped Joker, then shrieking out with annoying shrillness, "WE'RE CRASHING!" He then proceeded to bite his fist.

"Hang on, Mr. J!" called out Robin, pushing the button as black air-bags puffed out from below the jet. It bounced off the sand, only to fall on its back and tumble around with bits of pieces hitting everywhere. And, strange as this sounds, this was when they began flailing around the cockpit. The two screamed in pain and fear, stuck in this crashing jet hoping it doesn't explode.

The jet's nose crashed against a rock, stopping it but sending the two nincompoops flying out the window at top speed. They both shouted out as the wind blew against their hair, both of them tumbling in the sand as they released many different tones of "Oof!", "Ow!", "Unh!", and "Epa!".

Finally, the two stopped with their comedic fall, both laying on the sand in agonizing pain with clothing tattered and scrapes everywhere.

A loud groan was heard from the Joker as he got up, spitting out a tooth and glaring at the Boy Wonder. "Why the hell would you think that would work!?" he screamed out at him.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the trio floated down near a dune and lightly tumbled from their seats. After their soft tumbling, Catwoman furiously ripped her straps out and fell onto the sand. She groaned miserably and looked around.<p>

"Surrounded by miles of kitty litter," she groaned, then twirling to Batman, whom was already out of his seat. She growled and yelled out, "See what you did? We're stuck in the middle of the desert all because you wanted to be noble and give the diamond back!"

Batgirl, quickly getting out her seat, began looking frantically around as she began hyperventilating.

"Don't pin this on me!" yelled Batman furiously, "I was doing the right thing by-"

"When have you ever done anything BUT the right thing!?" accused Catwoman, "You always have to do the right thing and shit on anybody who doesn't!"

"I have had multiple opportunities to can your ass in Blackgate, Selina!" argued Batman viciously, "And I have never taken them because of what we have!"

"Please!" she scoffed in conceit, "If you were fucking the Joker, you'd be doing the same thing that you are doing with me!"

"**STOP IT!**" screamed out Batgirl, both adults looking over at her after she gave such a loud outburst. She looked at them with wide hurt eyes and said with a weak voice, "Robin…Robin is gone…and you don't care…Robin…gone…with Joker…and you don't…**care**…"

A deep silence was followed by her painful reminder. Both of them were stuck, unable to say a thing to calm her. Both saw themselves very childish, arguing over something as simple as a diamond.

This silence was broken by the cocking of multiple guns behind and above them. They quickly looked to see the same men who blew their ship down pointing AK-47's at them, ready to shoot at the slightest hint of provocation.

From behind them walked in a scary black man, looking down at them with an evil smile and massive pecs. With a growl, he said, "Batman, and friends, the Demon has been expecting you."

"…Ubu…" whimpered Batgirl, hiding behind Batman as he gave Ubu a spiteful and vengeful glare.

"I have been ordered not to kill you, Batman," added Ubu proudly, "But I will kill your friends if you do not agree to accompany us."

"You don't need to lay in the stupid threats, Ubu," growled Batman hatefully, "We'll go see what Chong Manchu wants."

"Then you will follow us, his fortress is only a hour walk away," said Ubu with a dark smirk, and with a sway of his hand, he ordered, "Come…"

As the group walked forward, Batman groaned in annoyance. He was not happy one bit, hoping not having to deal with Ra's crap for a few more decades of chapters.

"Batman Begins all over again," he muttered under his breath, led by a scary black man and his posse through the desert to face down an immortal pot-smoker.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Part 1 is now done for, we're gonna go on to Part 2. However, once the 1<strong>**st**** year anniversary pokes its ugly head, I might, just might, if I am still working on this, do the 1****st**** year anniversary in the middle of it. Knowing my slow-ass, it might be.**

**On said 1****st**** year anniversary, I'll finally make the choice who should voice the Bat, mainly because you guys are lazy. I sent a poll to see who should voice the Bat and not a single damn vote was given…no, better word, no fucks were given.**

**I am never doing another poll, no one fucking answers mine. Meh, probably for the best. Would'a been damn decent though. :S**

**AND NOW! IT'S TIME FOR…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> The Penguin AKA Oswald Cobblepot

**Voice Actor: **Robin Atkin Downes (In a voice like the Medic from Team Fortress 2 but with a British accent, kinda hard to explain really…)

**Description:** Short, round, and squat. He is balding with ash-grey hair at the side, small black eyes that always look annoyed, and a long beak-like nose. Despite public belief, he doesn't have webbed hands, he wasn't raised by penguins, and his teeth are only slightly sharp. Slightly. He wears a long black coat with feather-rimmed shoulders, a black vest with a white shirt underneath, and a black bowtie to top it off. For legwear he has black slacks and black/white spats, held together by a large black belt and a golden buckle. He wears a large black top hat and, once again despite public belief, has a black-rimmed monocle and not a Coke bottle jammed into his eye. He always carries a trick umbrella with him for any occasion.

**Likes:** Money, women, collecting things, Penguins, The Pittsburgh Penguins, The Penguins of Madagascar, umbrellas, umbrellas with penguins on them, wine, karaoke, and pretty much anything that has to do with penguins, really.

**Dislikes:** The Joker, Batman, people making fun of him, being double-crossed, and Club Penguin apparently. Who knew!?


	42. Batman and the Wrath of Ra's II

**The Banana Slug: Let's get this bitch started. I just hope I am not gonna be starting something that cannot be unchanged, the Cerebus Syndrome.**

**Cerebus Syndrome is when a story goes from one genre to another. This syndrome was named after "Cerebus the Aardvark", a comic made by Dave Sim, a Canadian independent comic writer who has a confusing religion and is most likely a misogynist (I dunno, I think he believes women to be a hole or something). The comic was once a parody (obviously) of the sword and sorcery genre and then turned into a depressing mess of the author's views. Wasn't pretty.**

**Another example would be Morel Orel (A show I am a huge fan of), where it was once a hilarious parody of Christian shows like Davey and Goliath. But then turned into dark, depressing, and took a deep look into the characters that went into rape, self-loathing, and eggs for some reason.**

**I just hope to Alan Moore that I don't start going into territories of author tracts and depression like I sorta brought in last chapter with Cassie calling out at Batman and Catwoman. But, I will do a lot of comedy if I do bring in some dark brooding shank.**

**And do not worry, I promise you, women will not be viewed as needing holes in here. Only Simon Hurt is the hole in things.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 42: Batman and the Wrath of Ra's II**

* * *

><p><strong>EPISODE II: Temple of Ra's al Ghul<strong>

The burning wreckage of the Batwing was in the distance as Joker wandered around, grumbling around as he had his phone against his ear. Robin was looking at the blue skies for a plane as he held a flare gun in his hand.

"Hey! Rubbin'!" called out Joker, "You have a damn flare! Use it!"

"I only got one shot! I am saving it for…for…" Robin couldn't continue as he watched Joker walking around with his phone, "Uh…what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm calling Harley," replied Joker with a growl, "I'm gonna have her pick me up!"

"What!?" scoffed Robin, "How in all of the good Scott Snyder's goodness is that gonna work? She's all the way in-"

"Harley! Hey!" interrupted Joker, finally getting a hold of his girlfriend, "I'm in Bialya, I need you to come over and pick me up. I'm in the middle of a desert and the Batwing is wrecked up. Hurry, because I think Robin might try to eat me." With that, he ended his call and gave a smug smile at a baffled Robin.

Meanwhile, Harley dropped her phone and got up from the bed she was sitting on. With a deep breath, she ran to the window and promptly jumped out of it. Harley landed on a car, only to jump off and run through the streets to help her abusive boyfriend.

"There is NO WAY she is going to get here!" yelled Robin, waving his arms around angrily as apparently we are back with them without any separation at all.

"Are you confessing that you will eat me!?" growled out Joker, looking at him with crazed wide eyes.

"What!?" yelled out Robin furiously, "You are self-explanatorily crazy! I am-" He was suddenly kicked in the stomach, letting out a loud "OOF!" as he fell on the sand with the flare gun flying out his hand. Joker swiftly grabbed it midair and pointed it at him with a dark glare.

"…Joker…I know what you are thinking…" let out Robin, "But I am not going to eat you…and we only have ONE shot."

"One shot…one kill…" said Joker, cocking the gun slowly, "It's me or you…"

"Joker! Stop!" pleaded Robin, holding his hand out.

"And it is not gonna be me!" growled Joker.

"Joker!" yelled Robin in desperation.

"Say hello to Jason for me…" hissed the Joker, "IN HELL!"

"JOKER NOOOO!" screamed out Robin, only to get a flare to the chest. He yelled out in pain as he slapped the fire out, Joker standing there with a big dumb grin.

"YOU IDIOT!" roared out Robin, sitting up with his face red and angry tears running down his face, "NOW HOW ARE WE GONNA GET OUTTA HERE!?" He watched dumbfoundedly as Joker walked the other way, ripping off his tie and throwing it on the sand.

"Come on, Robin!" called out the Joker with a grin, "We ain't gonna get to civilization by sitting on our asses! Shove off sailor!"

Robin lightly shook his head as he watched the Joker switch through emotions so quickly, then again, why is that so surprising in the first place?

* * *

><p>The hot desert sun rained down on the group, with the heroes being led through a mountain pass by a group of Bialyan mercenaries led by a scary black man named Ubu. Catwoman sighed in agony as she was forced to walk through high heats, sweating profusely and cursing herself for choosing to wear leather. Batman however was unaffected by the hotness, his protégé was immune to heatstroke as well. The Bat darted his eyes around suspiciously, spotting some sort of temple in the distance. A temple that seemed to invoke doom, like a temple OF doom.<p>

"I always wondered where Ra's rebuilt his fortress," Batman said to himself.

"Yes, it was hard finding a secret fortress to call your own after a man dressed like a flying mammal blows up our last one," growled Ubu harshly, "I see you have not received our summons."

"No, I received it, I just didn't give a damn," retorted Batman.

Ubu growled in offense, not giving him a reply as they continued down the mountain path with the sun still beating down on them with harsh heat. They got closer and closer to the giant temple, which was old and ancient even though it was finished building just fifteen days ago. It seemed Babylonian in design with large square pillars, and yet it seemed to be the size of a gymnasium. It would be no surprise that the whole mountain is integrated with the temple.

The trek to the temple was long and hard, the sun giving no mercy as a long steep cliff was there only way to the Demon's home. After a long mile walk, the temple stairs were now only a foot away. The stairs ascended up, with said height being one hundred feet exactly. Catwoman was not amused.

It took them ten minutes to get to the top, the steps unforgiving like the sun above. At the top was the Demon himself, at the top was Ra's al Ghul. He stood there with incorruptible authority, standing like a statue as he looked down at the Dark Knight with dark eyes. Eyes that see into one's ever-eternal soul.

"Detective…" breathed out Ra's, "…Have you received the summons?"

"He did, but he cared not to acknowledge it," answered Ubu.

"A sophisticated way of saying 'who cares', really," added Catwoman.

"You do not speak, thief," ordered Ra's sternly, "We are currently throwing the idea of whether or not we should feed you to a swarm of ants."

"Yeah? I dare ya!" egged Catwoman, "I double dare ya! You must be one of those misogynistic sheiks who need to dominate women just to feel like a man! You can't tell me what-"

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a tall Asian woman dropped from the top of the temple and punched her in the baby-maker with a swift fist. Catwoman screamed in pain and fell to her knees, grabbing her crotch in pain.

"Upper-cunt!" she screamed out, then falling on the ground from the pain.

"Should've just kept quiet, Selina," berated Batman, "Ra's al Ghul isn't like Joker or Penguin, you can't act all badass and tell him to screw himself." As Selina grunted and held her sore lap and slightly rocking herself, Batman looked over to the Asian Dragon Lady with indifference.

"Hey Lady Shiva," grumbled Batman.

"Hello, Maggot!" hissed Lady Shiva with a dark grin, "Haven't seen you since **Knightfall**, where you came to me like a PUSS so that you could learn how to FIGHT again after Bane turned you into his BITCH!"

"As always, you love to demean me and anyone else you feel like yelling at," growled Batman with a scowl.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over your BITCHING!" growled Lady Shiva, cracking her knuckles like a pro.

"Hi mom," let out Batgirl sheepishly.

"Hey," she replied carelessly.

Ra's al Ghul swayed his arms and said, "Please, enter my temple of doom, so that we may talk about…that diamond of yours."

"Whatever it is, forget it," growled Batman.

"Detective, you have NO way of defending yourself against my legions of ninjas and you have NO way of escape. Refusal would be stupid," explained Ra's calmly, then turning around saying as he walked to the opening, "Come, we will discuss over din-din."

Batman growled and stomped past Ra's al Ghul to the entrance, "Fine, fine! But one wrong move Ra's and you are-" Suddenly, Ubu appeared before him and kicked him in the chin, causing the Batman to growl out in pain and clenching his jaw. He glared hatefully at Ubu as the man stood calmly before him.

"Only Ra's al Ghul may enter first, Batman," warned Ubu with an arrogant glare.

Ra's shook his head as he took out a joint from his coat. "Why do you keep doing that? That really isn't necessary. I ain't Jehovah you know!" With a groan, he put said joint into his mouth and walked with deep annoyance with Ubu following.

Batman clenched his fist as Lady Shiva was holding Catwoman's limp person over her shoulders. "Ubu's a real prick 'bout that!" scoffed Lady Shiva, "But…when he DECKED you…EPIC FAIL! HAHA!"

Batman wiped the blood from his lips and said, "…Strike One…"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, deep in the desert dunes was a pale man walking with a teenaged boy. Robin walked with a deep red sunburn as the Joker walked calmly with a pair of sunglasses wearing nothing but his boxers. The Joker's boxers were purple with green polka dots and is just as good as his pants.<p>

"…Joker…do you **have** to dress **only** in your underwear?" whined Robin in disgust.

"It's hot…I'm sweaty…and right now, I feel my balls getting wetter than girls in a Jonas Brother concert," replied Joker with a straight face, "But it's really **your **fault for getting us kicked outta that village."

"What!?" shouted back Robin, "I wasn't the one who offended them! It was you!"

"Weeell, I didn't like the food they gave us!" said Joker calmly, "Besides, I think they should eat it more…starving losers."

"Yeah? And what about when you chucked the food at the village priest, huh?" argued Robin furiously, "Then began kicking dirt at their faces? You didn't think they wouldn't react horribly to that!?"

Joker simply stared at him, then saying, "I wonder when Harley will be picking me up…"

**MEANWHILE IN GOTHAM**

It was misty in the docks, with fishermen getting out their nets filled with fishes as they looked to see Harley Quinn run out with a brave expression. She ran like a professional, her arms pumping up and down as she got closer and closer to the water.

With a loud "Hup!", she jumped into the water and disappeared from sight. The fishermen watched with shock and justified confusion, just seeing a crazy clown girl jump into murky waters only to disappear instantly.

Under the water was Harley, running across the ocean bed with her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. She ran over a starfish and a pineapple on her trek through the ocean floor, jumping over a coral bed with little to no effort.

As she ran, she passed by Aquaman and a seal playing golf. They glanced only for a second before returning, with Aquaman striking a hole in one and defeating his dumb seal friend…

**BACK WITH JOKER AND ROBIN**

Joker and Robin still trekked as Joker groaned out, swinging his clothes around in his right hand. He looked around as Robin grumbled, baking in the sun.

"What are you grumbling 'bout?" sighed Joker.

"One: You're naked. Two: I'm baking. And Three: We can't find Batman and the others!" yelled out Robin, swinging his fists wildly into the air.

"Meep meep meep!" chirped Joker, imitating Robin's whining, "Everything is about YOU, isn't it?"

"And further more!" yelled out Robin, spinning around and pointing his finger at the face of the clown, "Why aren't you frying up like I am! You should be sizzling with that skin'a yours!"

"It is called sun-bleached, kid!" defended Joker with a large grin, "Now get! Out! Of! My. Face!" He gave a hard shove into the chest of Robin, and the Boy Wonder began screaming as he tumbled down the dune like a rag doll. Robin would slam against a seat jutting from the sand and getting tangled a white cloth parachute, and the dumb lil' sidekick began scrambling wildly in the white hell.

"HEELP! HEEELP!" screamed Robin, "I have been glomped by the Great White Shark!"

"Personally, I believe it'd be funnier to use, "_stuck in the fat folds of the Penguin_", but I do believe you have stumbled into something," said Joker as he climbed down and yanked Robin roughly out of the parachute.

Robin looked around and saw what the Joker was talking about, with the four seats jutting out as the parachutes blew in the wind like flags. "Oh!" he yelled out, then running up and looking around, "They shouldn't be too far! But I can't see 'em! Where could they-"

"North, the mountain range, five miles up," stated Joker as he looked at the sky.

"What do you mean?" questioned Robin with a condescending stink-eye.

"Seriously, YOU are Robin? Jason Todd was a better Robin and I killed him!" scoffed Joker, then explaining with disinterest, "Y'see, I can see a bit of smoke from the plane when it crashed, and a bit from that RPG. Gotta use that eye'a yours, bucko."

With that, Joker climbed the dune and was walking directly at that direction as Robin looked in dumbfounded shock. "Why are you…helping the Batman?" asked a justifiably confused Boy Wonder.

"I dunno," admitted Joker, then elaborating amusingly, "Perhaps a need to save the man I love, perhaps a grudge so hard that only I will kill the bastard…or most likely, I just want to have some fun! NYA HA HA HA HAAAAA!"

Robin wasn't surprised, all he did was shake his head and follow the Joker across the desert in hopes of saving his mentor and the rest of his family.

* * *

><p>The temple was dark, with dust covering every inch. Intimidating statues of Ra's and titanic pillars at the side of the hall, revealing a great foreboding feeling for all three of them.<p>

"So…are we screwed?" asked Catwoman with a sneer.

"Don't worry, I always have a plan for this sort of situation," answered Batman smugly.

"Plan this! Plan that! You CAN'T have a plan for everything!" growled Catwoman with spite.

"You doubt me…how expected," sneered Batman, "You forget one thing, I am the Ba-"

"You are the Batman, meh meh meh!" mocked Catwoman, then adding to insult with by mimicking him with a gruff voice, "I am the Night! Where is she!? Vengeance is my number! Where is she!? Bees, my god! **WHERE IS SHE!?**"

"My voice **isn't **that gruff!" growled Batman, then saying with a scowl, "But I always have a plan with Ra's. Unlike the Joker, I can plan the next move like a twister."

"You can't predict a twister, Batman," added Catwoman. And as the two argued, Batgirl sighed and looked down with a worried gaze…worrying about poor Tim Drake.

At the end of the hall was a giant door, Ra's calmly walked over and banged his head on it repeatedly. No one knew why.

The doors opened to reveal Talia al Ghul, leaning against the door with a calm smile. "Hello, Father," she greeted with a calm smile, then followed with a sultry, "Hello, Brucie."

"Talia!" called out Batman with his arms wide open. Talia twirled and fell into the Dark Knight's arms where they made out right in the open. Catwoman looked in total shock and anger, while Ra's al Ghul watched with a calm smile and nodded slightly.

The kiss was long and passionate, Talia moaning lightly and Batman growling in an aggressively sensual manner. After much time of their make-out session, they finally broke away with Talia walking back to her father with Batman giving her a swift pat on the butt.

Ra's laughed happily and said, "Batman. I can not separate you from my daughter. Which can be said to her as well!"

With Talia beside him, they walked into a large dining room with a long stone table covered in exotic food. Catwoman was grumbling to herself with a large pout and her arms crossed in aggressive jealousy. Batman, in a dickish mood, could only smile and chuckle.

They all took a seat on the titanic table of limestone, with Talia attempting to sit next to the Batman only to be intercepted by a speeding Catwoman. Selina gave her a sly smile as Talia looked at her with disinterest, so she took a seat on the other side of Batman.

Ra's sat in the end of the table with Ubu standing over beside him with great elegance and duty, looking around with his arms crossed.

"Your escort seems protective of you, Bruce," scoffed Talia, "Are you some favorite client of hers?"

"Watch it, mucus-face!" hissed Catwoman.

"Ohoho! How dilute is your vocabulary and insults," laughed off Talia, "We have a real Virginia Woolf here…"

"Ch," sneered Lady Shiva as she ate her chilled monkey brains, "More like Stephanie Myer."

"Ha!" laughed out Batman.

"Yeah? Well…" stammered Catwoman, trying to make an insult, "Go…Go eat shit!"

"Heh…" let out Batgirl, trying to release a forced laugh in defense for the destroyed Catwoman.

"Alright alright! Don't make me separate you two!" yelled Batman, "I have to get in the middle because we have more important fish to fry."

"More important than me!?" insinuated both of the women.

Batman looked around nervously, gulping and continuing with a nervous, "…Ra's! …Why shoot us down and capture us!?"

Ra's shook his head and said, "I told you, you blew up-"

"Don't gimme that!" snapped Batman, "You are planning something and I-"

Suddenly, the doors opened to reveal nasty old David Cain, looking around with a crusty old glare and a crusty old scowl. Overall, he was crusty…and old.

"…Hi dad," chirped out Batgirl nervously.

"What!? Who said you could talk!" yelled David, then yelling at Batman, "You taught her to talk!?"

"Uh, Alfred did, but…" replied Batman with little care.

"Damn it!" growled out David Cain in anger, "All that training! Put down the fucking crapper! CRAPPER!"

"What does talking have to do with being the perfect killing machine?" scoffed Lady Shiva.

"NO NEGOTIATIONS! You can't negotiate what you can't talk to!" debunked David as he slams his hands on the table over and over again.

"Stop slamming the tables! I keep seeing the vibrations!" yelled out Ra's angrily. David looked at him with a scowl, then puts his hands back into his pockets. Ra's sighed and shook his head, then saying to the Batman, "Okay, okay. There is a reason for the season, man."

"Okaaaay?" let out Batman as he shifts his eyes around suspiciously.

"I have come to attempt to make you my heir, and my old tactic of getting you high off your gourd will not be necessary this time," said Ra's calmly, "Try to understand, with my help, you will avenge your parents and have the girl of your dreams."

"Too late! He's already got it!" snapped a snarky Catwoman, grabbing Batman's arm against his will.

Ra's sighed and got up, saying, "Please…everyone…sit." They all looked, already sitting except for Ubu as he still stood. Ra's walked around and spoke to the group with his dark and foreboding tone.

"You see…we have the world in a vice, Detective. The world's most toxic depravity has stained humanity for too long. And we will destroy that monster very soon. How? Simple. We will let the very people who love them tear them asunder. Already, we have crippled their faithful fans' trust and their mistake will topple down atop them."

Batman looked with anger, shaking with rage and clenching his teeth hard. "No…You…You did it? Didn't you!? It was you! You're the one!"

"What did he do?" asked Catwoman, shaking her head in fright.

"You…You…" growled Batman in pure rage.

"Batman…please, you must understand," let out Talia, holding his arm, "It was for the greater good."

"GET OFF ME!" roared Batman, getting his arm free from the shocked Talia. Batman got up and shot his finger at the Demon's Head, yelling in unimaginable rage, "You! You caused the **DC Nationgate**!"

Batgirl screamed and fell from her chair, shocked to unconsciousness. David Cain slammed his muscular hands on the table and yelled, "See? When I trained her, none of that happened! Ruined years of hard work!"

"Detective…Cartoon Network has lost its flavor," sighed Ra's with a sway of his arms, "With shows like **Problem Solverz **and **Secret Mountain Fort Awesome**, it is obvious that they are losing their hold in reason and taste. Therefore, with the help of some inside agents, I was able to force a blackout of your beloved **DC Nation**."

"Ra's! What about amazing shows like **The Amazing World of Gumball**? **Adventure Time**? And maybe **Regular Show**?" interrogated Batman, then saying to Talia, "And you can't tell me that you are in on this! You love Gumball! I read your Tweet! You said, and I quote, "_I just got a t-shirt with Gumballs face on it, O-M-G, I love Gumball so flargin' much!_"

Talia sighed and shook her head, then looking up at him with sad eyes and saying, "Bruce…it is the most logical conclusion."

"Damn you! Damn you all!" growled Batman in hate, "Because of you, I won't see that bitch Miss Martian get her comeuppance! We all know she will and I won't be seeing it for some time!"

"Detective, Disney is bouncing back with good shows like **Gravity Falls** and Nickelodeon is going to finally get **Fairly Oddparents** right this time," continued the evil Ra's al Ghul, his eyes gazing away for a while as he walked torwards Batman, "Join me, good Detective, and we will destroy the fading empire of Cartoon Network and rule the cartoon world with me, as the father you truly deserve!"

Ra's then stood over Batman as the Dark Knight gave him a death glare that could melt ice. "Well…what is your answer?"

Batman didn't say a word, Catwoman watched as she reached out and grabbed a golden goblet then putting it into her purse, and Batgirl was playing with her peanut-butter filled beetles. Lady Shiva stood there motionless with a small frown, David Cain continued grumble about lost work…and Ubu just stood there.

"…**Dog With A Blog**…"

"What?" breathed out Ra's al Ghul, his eyebrow twitching lightly.

Batman leaned closer, then repeating slowly, "Dog…With…A Blog." Talia, Ubu, David, and Lady Shiva began looking at each other in worry and shock at Batman's defiance to such a powerful figure.

"…Is that…" let out a quite put-off Ra's, his eyebrow quivering as he clenched his fists, "…your final answer?"

Batman spoke again, "…**Crash & Bernstein**."

Ra's sighed and shook his head, grabbing his blunt and taking a deep breath. He blew the smoke from his nose as he looked down at Batman with his glowing green eyes, saying with gravel in his throat, "…Shame…"

Suddenly, ninjas clad in black leather jumped down and drew their swords around the three. Catwoman looked around as she saw blades pointing at her, putting the golden goblet back on the table.

"I will make you see the light, Detective," said Ra's as he looked at a ball of dust in the corner, "We will destroy all of the blight that is infecting the airwaves, and control it. When the Cartoon Network is…ashes…you have my permission to die."

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: I think you can guess I was less than thrilled when Cartoon Network shoved DC Nation in the corner for NO reason whatsoever. In fact, I was pissed off. I haven't watched Cartoon Network (besides the occasional Adult Swim) after the whole thing. I might not be so angry if they just gave us a reason or a warning before the whole damn thing, but it just…CAME OUTTA NOWHERE! ZWOOP!<strong>

**Kinda unprofessional if you ask me. Which is why this HAS to be some super villain doing this, but the reason why? Maybe the villain is a Marvel fan, I dunno.**

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Ra's al Ghul

**Voice Actor: **Oded Fehr

**Description:** The man is tall, with dark skin and pitch black hair. His dark devil eyes are green that usually glow green when angered or high. His beard is a little bit Fu Manchu and a little bit goatee. His torso and arms are covered in oriental tattoos, like a dragon or symbols. One of his tattoos reads "Horse Wife", but that is what happens when you get such tattoos. He usually wears no shirt, but has a flowing green/gold coat that looks extravagant and orient with a large collar and perfectly tailored symbols. His pants are dark green fastened by a large metal belt filled with assassination gear. The boots he wears are green with gold steel toes at the end. His weapon of choice is a large deadly serrated blade capable of cutting with intense pain.

**Likes:** Marijuana, Funyuns, The Earth, Peace, Killing all that stand in his way, and Hellsing.

**Dislikes:** The Evil of the World, Cartoon Network, Bananas, and Disobedience.


	43. Batman and the Wrath of Ra's III

**The Banana Slug: I had a sleep paralysis attack some time ago, felt like someone was holding me down. I had NO idea if it were a dream or not, but I do remember biting someone's arm. I got control of my body when I yelled out, and it really was the darndest thing, actually. :P**

**Buuuut, enough of my personal whining, let's get on with the BatRoll!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 43: Batman and the Wrath of Ra's III**

* * *

><p><strong>Episode III: Revenge of the Demon<strong>

Talia sat on her lounge chair, reading Volume I of "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" with her finger against her head. Suddenly, her cellphone rang and, without looking at her phone, she picked it up and pressed it against her ear.

"Hello?" she said to it.

"…Hey…"

Her eyes drooped down and she slightly shook her head, sighing and asking, "Yes, Jason?"

"…I miss you," he said.

"…That's nice Jason," she said with slight annoyance, "Look, I'm busy with something, maybe we can-"

"Is Bruce there? HE'S THERE! I know it!" roared Red Hood from the other side.

"Jason, calm down," she groaned out as she rolled her eyes like a wheel.

"NO! NNO!" he screamed, "I love you! What we had was special!"

"What we HAD was a failed attempt to give you comfort, Jason!" yelled Talia angrily, "Now stop calling me! You are starting to scare me."

"I can't help it!" sobbed Red Hood, "I love you! I need someone to get through this with me! I'm havin' flashbacks!" Talia sighed as she continued to hear Jason sob wildly on the other side.

"Look, Jason. Jason. JASON!" she called out, trying to get his attention, then advising him calmly, "Call Roy and Starfire, go out drinking, and you'll instantly forget it."

"Okay…" he grumbled out, still sniffling and crying.

"Bye," she sighed out, turning her phone off and slouching down against her chair. She slapped a hand on her forehand and groaned out in annoyance. Talia looked to her left to see Ra's al Ghul looking at her from his own lounge chair.

"…That is why you don't take the virginity of a crazy nutjob suffering from Sasuke-level wangst," he calmly stated.

"He looked sad and I felt sorry for him!" defended Talia as best as she could, "Besides, I didn't know he'd develop this love for me and everything-"

"I think it is quite self-explanatory that that would happen, Talia," explained Ra's calmly.

"Father, enough of your shit!" she sighed angrily, "You're high, you don't have the right to judge."

"Ha! Someone obviously took **Reefer Madness **too seriously!" giggled Ra's madly as he pointed his blunt at her.

"Dad! Shut up!" she snapped loudly, then slouching back against her chair. She was silent for a while before asking, "So, what are we going to do about Bruce and his friends?"

"A dip in the Lazarus Pit should help him see **The Light**, wink wink, nudge nudge," explained Ra's as he threw in a little reference for no reason, "Cain said he will take care of Cassandra. As for Catwoman, she will be forced to work in the mines with the children."

"I have to talk about that," added Talia quickly, "The whole children thing…is kinda…well…"

Ra's groaned in shame and said with sorrow, "I know! Sure, I want to kill most of the population and stop the global decadence staining this world…but forcing children to work in horrible conditions and in nonstop hours. It is worse than that time I worked with the Nazis!"

"Yeah, that was a bonehead move," sighed Talia, biting her fingernail, "But, once we find the Red-Bat Diamond, we will be able to find the ultimate weapon. The power of god. The Ark of Might."

"And we will save this world!" announced Ra's dramatically, getting up and raising his arms into the air, "The power of god will destroy all my enemies and lead this world into the-"

Suddenly, the doors swung open to reveal Ubu stand before him with a dark glare. "Ra's al Ghul…" he said with admiration.

"Ubu," he greeted back, then ordering calmly, "Sit."

"No," Ubu quickly replied without a bat of an eye. Ra's looked at him with a glare, then stating again angrily, "Sit, Ubu, sit!"

"Nope," he replied in quick speed once more.

Ra's glared at him for a long while, then getting up and ringing his hair between his fingers before asking him for his purpose here.

"The Batman is ready for the Lazarus treatment," explained Ubu calmly.

Ra's nodded and said, "Excellent. I will go with you to turn him." He then looked over to Talia and asked sincerely, "Talia, honey, would you like to see me turn the Detective into a mad-crazy man?"

"No thanks, but thank you," replied Talia with a nod.

Ra's looked over to Ubu and asked, "What about Lady Shiva and David Cain?"

"Lady Shiva is taking a shower," explained Ubu, "And David Cain is…putting down his daughter."

* * *

><p>David sniffed as tears ran down his cheeks, standing in a dark room with a single light as he held a shotgun in pure melancholy.<p>

"I'm sorry this had to go this way…" he moaned out miserably, "But all that hard work, all my effort…all I can do…to help you…ruined."

He continued to cry as he loaded the shotgun, with Batgirl standing a few feet in front of him as she looked at him with wide eyes. David Cain sniffled and wiped his snotty nose with his muscular arms.

He pointed the gun right at her and sobbed loudly. He then said woefully, "You were the best daughter I ever had. You were the **only** daughter I ever had, but maybe the next one will help me forget."

Suddenly, a large square of light appeared as someone walked through it. It was Lady Shiva, wearing a black bathrobe and wet from her shower. She glanced around to see David Cain with a shotgun and Batgirl standing there in shock.

"…What the fuck is going on?" she growled out, sneering at Cain in suspicion.

"She's ruined, Sandra," defended David with tears in his eyes, "My life's work for the League was ruined by a stupid British butler!"

"…And you are going to kill our daughter?" insinuated Lady Shiva with a brow raised high.

"Its mostly mine, Sandra," continued to defend the evil father, "You left her behind, remember?" He sighed and held his gun toward Batgirl, "But, things like this can be fixed."

"They can?" squeaked Batgirl.

"They can?" scoffed Lady Shiva.

"Yeah," he said, then holding the shotgun against his shoulder and swooning with a few pelvic thrusts, "Let's make us a new one! Yyyyeaaaah baby!"

This was replied with a palm thrust to his nose, causing him to fall on his back and quickly go unconscious. Lady Shiva cracked her knuckles as she stood over his body.

"Now, don't go saying I don't care about you anymore," she said with a glare, "Moron keeps mistaking people as pets. Like he actually called me a mare once, can you believe-" She slowly turned around to see Batgirl gone without a notice, leaving Lady Shiva standing in the not-so-well lit room.

"Crap…" she groaned out, stamping her foot on the ground, "There goes my gold star…"

* * *

><p>Batman was lead down a hallway with his shirt ripped off for some reason, being led by two stereotypical Arabian guards with scimitars. He snorted as he walked into a large chamber with large pillars with a Chinese Dragon wrapped around it and a lime-green glow from the back. There was a large crevice in one side with many starved villagers bowing in front of it, with the bottom of said crevice glowing with a darker green glow. At the other side, where the lime green came from, was a large calm pit of Lazarus juice. In front of the pit was Ra's al Ghul, standing there with his arms out.<p>

"Detective…glad you could make it," he said calmly.

"Of course I did…you dragged me here," retorted Batman grumpily.

And from another door, Catwoman was pulled out by Talia al Ghul, beaten and bruised. She fell to the floor, on all fours as she hyperventilated weakly.

"Selina!" roared Batman, rushing to her and helping her to her feet carefully.

"They…didn't even ask…me any…questions…" she groaned out.

"Actually, I asked her where she got her outfit," corrected Talia calmly.

"While you were hitting me with a bamboo stick!" snapped Catwoman.

Ra's held his arm out to them, then saying to Batman with a deep echo, "Detective, this is my Lazarus Pit! I was able to live for HUNDREDS of years because of the liquid I concocted in my years as an alchemist. The only downside **was** it would lose its power once used."

"Was?" inquired Catwoman.

"Yes, was," replied Ra's calmly, then saying with elegance, "I have found a way to recharge the Lazarus Pit over and over again. It wasn't lightning power like I thought for hundreds of years, but human souls."

"Human…souls?" let out Batman as two assassins brought in a cowering emaciated villager, praying loudly to himself.

"Yes…" replied Ra's before carelessly jabbing his hand into the villager's chest. Ra's quickly ripped the heart out as the villager screamed in pain. The heart pulsated as the Demon's Head held it in his hand, with Batman and Catwomans jaws to the floor.

The villager panted as he was strapped into a metal cage, then beginning to pray in his native language. Beneath the cage opened two slabs revealing a long chasm, and underneath…was a swirling whirlpool of Lazarus Serum.

"Kali ma! Kali ma! Kali ma shakti de!" chanted Ra's as the man was lowered down into the whirlpool.

"Hum num shibai! Hum num shibai!" cried the man as he was lowered closer and closer. He began to let out a blood-curdling scream as he was closer and closer to the green waters.

Ra's chanted with an insane smile on his face, with the heart in his hand beating wilder and wilder. It began to smoke as the man began getting closer and closer to the vortex.

The poor man screamed horribly as he was engulfed by green flames, the cage slamming into the waters with a loud splash. Ra's laughed madly as the heart in his hand bursts into green flames, letting it turn into ashes.

The smell of urine was prevalent in the vicinity of Batman and Catwoman, both stiff as statues with eyes wide as baseballs. "So…uh…this is…every time you use it now?"

"Oh, yes!" sighed a calm Ra's, switching from crazy to relaxed almost manically. Guards then grabbed Batman and began dragging him to the Lazarus Pit. Batman growled and struggled, getting closer to the waters as Ra's stood in front of the dragged and angry Batman.

"What the hell are you doing!?" he roared at Ra's.

"I am going to help you see my way, Detective," explained Ra's al Ghul snidely, "A drink from the Lazarus Pit should help."

"Jokes on you, Ra's!" scoffed Batman, "The waters only work if the user is-" He was stopped with a blade through the stomach, Batman groaned out as he almost fell to his knees.

He was quickly pushed down to the floor, his head facing the green waters and his chest pressed against the cold floor. Ra's grabbed his head and dunked it into the Lazarus Pit, with the Dark Knight growling and sputtering under the green mixture.

"With you by my side, Detective, the irrelevance of Cartoon Network will falter," said Ra's calmly, "And then the Nickelodeon God will fall, along with the Hub God."

"Wait, I thought you wanted Nickelodeon to be on top again?" questioned a confused Catwoman as she stood there with her arms held by two guards.

"**Timmy gets a Fairy Puppy named Sparky**, I think that ship has sailed now!" yelled back Ra's angrily. He then breathed out lightly and yanked Batman out of the waters, with the Dark Knight's sword wound healing with no scars prevalent. Batman groaned and moved his head around in confusion, with tears running down his face.

"Goooood…let the Lazarus Solution run through you," hissed out the Demon's Head, "Once more the right channels will rule the 'cartoon network'…and…we. Shall. Have…peace…"

Batman chuckled out at that reference, with his on-and-off-again girlfriend watching in horror. She began to hyperventilate as she watched them drag him away with Ra's watching with a calm and proud smile.

"Where are you taking him!" she screamed out, "What are you going to do to us!?"

"The Detective must gather his thoughts," explained Ra's with a dark tone, "As for you…the Lazarus is going to need a…recharge."

Catwoman began struggling as she was dragged away. "NO! NNO!" she screamed out, "This is my marriage to Ben Affleck all over again! You won't get away with this! Let go of me! NNNNO!"

After she was dragged away, Ra's was left alone with the chanting villagers on the other side. He slowly looked over, disturbed and confused. Ra's looked at them as they chanted over and over again.

"…HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE!?" he screamed out with pure rage.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Batgirl was sneaking across the caves looking for Batman and Catwoman. She sighed as she hoped that they would be okay, unlike Robin…and maybe Joker. As she looked around the complex, hiding in the shadows from passing guards at random intervals, she heard the sounds of children crying.<p>

She looked to see a large light from a ledge, so she crept quietly to it and was shocked at what she witnessed. What Batgirl saw was hundreds of starved children mining rocks and carting them away, with large shirtless men whipping their backs for the slightest mistake with no mercy.

"…My…god…" she breathed out, holding a palm against her mouth.

"…I know."

She spun around to see Lady Shiva, still wearing her bathrobe, look down with a shake of her head. "Ra's really hates using kids like this, but all the adults were too busy worshiping his Lazarus Pit so he had to use the kids to do it. He's really beating himself up about-"

She suddenly stopped, with her arm out blocking Batgirl's arm thrust from hitting her face. Lady Shiva grabbed Batgirl's arm and calmly twirled her around, throwing her down into the mines. Batgirl collided hard with a man ready to whip a defenseless little orphan, breaking most his bones and was given a shoe to the face as she stood up.

Almost like lightning, Lady Shiva landed into the mines with her fist slamming against the ground. Orphans were flying in the air from the shock wave Lady Shiva's fist gave out, tumbling around like a Fus-Ro-Dah in the face.

Lady Shiva ran at Batgirl, with the powerful Dragon Lady leaping out and kicking her daughter in the face. Batgirl yelped and fell down a crevice and into a hanger, where a small airplane was spinning around for some reason. The pilot was drunk again, mumbling as he chuckled idiotically.

Lady Shiva jumped down and ran at her daughter like a hungry tiger. Batgirl was ready, and did a flip kick to Shiva's jaw. Lady Shiva flipped back to her feet and began sending her daughter a flurry of punches and kicks, and Batgirl dodging and swiping the blows away.

After a lengthy DBZ-esque fight as the plane would twirl around lazily, Lady Shiva was able to kick the poor girl down on the ground. Batgirl looked up to see Lady Shiva hold her fists up in offense as she was too in the zone to notice the blades of the plane spinning towards her.

Batgirl quickly shielded herself as the blades were right behind her, and Lady Shiva studied her as she began hearing the sound of high-speed blades. She turned around to see certain death slowly come at her, but she was not deterred. She calmly punched every single blade that came at her, with every slab of metal flying off to the wall as she escaped harm via badass kung-fu skills.

"Huh…why didn't I hear that sooner?" she said to herself, then turning around to see Batgirl gone again. She growled and stomped her foot against the floor angrily, yelling in pure rage, "NOT AGAAAAIIIN!"

* * *

><p>In a dark cell, Batman laid on a stone slab…groaning in pain. In mental anguish, he screamed out into the abyss.<p>

His mind slowly broke, with the Pit's effects slowly taking fold. He squirmed on the slab as he called out in the distance, over and over again.

He quickly fell off and began rolling around, with the Batman slobbering green saliva over and over and over again.

After that strange scene, Batman slowly got up. His hand slammed on the slab as he sat up, looking at a non-existent light.

Emotion was lost from his face for some time, before a grin began to grow that would creep Joker out. He began to chuckle madly, as the Lazarus Pit finally corrupted the incorruptible Dark Knight…

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Uh-oh! Batman's high! Run!<strong>

**Anyway, sorry for the delays. College and junk. And I have to announce one thing…**

…**this is the last chapter…Ha! Nah. That shit only worked on Young Justice: Halls of Arkham.**

**No, there are going to be SIX chapters of this Arc instead of five. Why? Star Wars, that's why.**

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> David Cain

**Voice Actor:** Stephen Kramer Glickman (Why? BECAUSE I HOLD FATE IN MY HAND!)

**Description:** He is muscular for an old guy, with forearms like tree trunks and a build like a wrestler. He has grey hair and a large chin, with grey eyes and a long scar from his chin to his cheek. He wears a sleeveless bulletproof vest, black fingerless gloves, leather pants with a silver buckle, and large black army boots. He always carries two guns with him that are strapped to his belt, and always has a strip of bubblegum in his pocket.

**Likes:** Guns, Shooting people, Killing people, Having sex with Lady Shiva, Bun-cakes, Hot Dogs, NASCAR, and Taxidermy.

**Dislikes:** His daughter, People ruining his plans, Sausages (that's how you know he's evil), and Lady Shiva hitting him whenever David Cain wanted to have sex.


	44. Batman and the Wrath of Ra's IV

**The Banana Slug: Here is a list of accomplishments.**

**1) I threw up watching Gooby.**

**2) I made a fanfic that lasts more than thirteen chapters.**

**3) I actually FINISHED a fanfiction with multiple chapters.**

**4) I made two bad lemon fics. Maybe one good one. (Still need to update that shit.)**

**5) And I sat through half and a quarter of Gooby.**

**Seriously, watching Gooby is a very, very, very, very, VERY hard thing to do.**

**SPECIAL GUEST STARS: Mikado Ryugamine, Masaomi Kida, and Anri Sonohara from **_**DuRaRaRa!**_

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 44: Batman and the Wrath of Ra's IV**

* * *

><p><strong>EPISODE IV: A New Personality<strong>

Outside of Ra's Temple, on the miles high cliffs, was the Clown Prince of Crime himself. Joker was climbing up the cliffs with nothing but his bare hands, and wearing only a tie and his boxers. Around his waist was a long sturdy rope, and down below was Robin, tied up on the other side also around his waist.

Robin groaned as he dangled around with Joker climbing like the supposed spelunker he was. "Joker! This is embarrassing!"

"I want to do this!" yelled back the Joker.

"I don't!" he yelled back, "I could simply just shoot a grapple gun out and I can be up at the top in five seconds!"

"I don't have a grapple gun," defended Joker with a wide grin.

"I have a spare," revealed Robin quickly and in annoyance.

"Is it purple and green?" questioned Joker obnoxiously.

"Of course not!" shouted back Robin, "Why does that have to be a must?"

"Shut up!" snapped Joker, "You don't understand! You never understand! Just like Batman! I was always a disappointment in his eyes!"

"What are you talking about!?" snapped Robin, confused by Joker's behavior.

Joker sighed and stopped, looking down and saying with deep sorrow, "Because…I was the First Robin…"

Robin looked at him with a slack jaw, amazed by the truth. But then started to glare at Joker, growling out, "Joker…what kind of messed-up origin story is that? Only an idiot would do that!"

"Yeah, Frank Miller has been lacking a bit in story," sighed Joker as he reached out and grabbed a ledge. He pulled himself up and flopped before a small cavern that smelt like liquor and incense. Joker began breathing out of tire before getting up, feeling a tug from the rope on his waist.

The Joker twirled around, which inadvertently caused Robin to bump against the cliff. "Epa!" he yelped out, only to whine as he felt his face bump over and over again on the cliff as the Joker pulled him up slowly.

Finally, Robin was dragged onto the ledge by the Joker, with the Boy Wonder covered in bruises and cuts. Robin glared up at his smiling face, in which he said calmly to the Boy Wonder, "Come on, let's go see what's inside!"

Robin just stared at him, then slowly getting up and slapping the dust off his uniform. With a dark sigh, he said with a dead tone, "…Okay."

And so, the two walked down the dark dry cavern, with a faint light at the end of this path. Robin shook his head as Joker walked with a great swagger, bumping him occasionally with his shoulder.

"So…how much ya bet that the Bat is in this here cave?" egged the Joker.

"Batman doesn't let me bet anymore," sighed Robin, "Not since I signed onto his Online Blackjack and cost him the Whirly-Bat. He loved that Whirly-Bat."

"What happened to it?" asked Joker.

"Hush has it…we're working on getting it back," revealed Robin hesitantly.

Joker looked at him with a dead blank gaze. "Huh…reminds me of the time when Harley bet my old Jokermobile…boy, those bruises were-" he stopped and thought aloud as he walked, "Come to think of it…I wonder what's taking my girlfriend from picking me up…"

"The world," retorted Robin with a smug face.

**MEANWHILE, IN IKEBUKURO**

Meanwhile, in a warehouse-infested port of the little district of Ikebukuru, Japan, were three teenagers sitting on a deck eating sandwiches. The three was a blonde-haired kid with a upbeat and seductive personality named Masaomi Kida, a shy and meek kid with a possible dark side named Mikado Ryugamine, and an equally shy and very busty girl named Anri Sonohara.

"Hey, did you guys see that episode of DragonBall where he went to the Demon World to save that princess?" asked Mikado curiously.

"Yes?" squeaked out Anri.

"Well, I always wondered…where was Dabura?" he wondered out loud, "I mean, isn't that the Demon World? And wasn't Dabura still the King of the Demon World then?"

"Nah, nah, it was Filler," answered Masaomi calmly, "Filler is just a way to pad out a story and that needed padding. Besides, Dabura wasn't even a figment of Akira's imagination yet."

"Well…yeah…" let out Mikado, "But I just-" He was suddenly silenced when a hand reached out and grabbed onto the ledge. All three jumped back in surprise, looking at the pale hand that was covered in seaweed grapple against the wooden ledge.

Whatever it was, it pulled itself from the water to reveal a drenched Harley Quinn covered in seaweed. She smiled and asked, "Hey, is this Bialya?"

"…No…" said Anri, her eyes wide in shock from seeing this normal woman ignore her situation so.

"CRAP!" yelled Harley Quinn, jumping back into the water and disappeared from their sight. And still, they were shocked by the appearance of this clown girl that just popped out of the water and simply returned to the ocean.

"Uh…guys…" let out Masaomi, "…Did we…did we just meet a Selkie?"

**BACK WITH JOKER AND ROBIN**

The two finally found the end of the cave, where a long table filled with many different colored diamonds rested on cups. Joker looked at them hungrily, rubbing his hands together.

"Hachachachacha!" chuckled the Joker greedily, "Boy oh boy! Joker's Millions! Here we come!"

"Uh…Joker…" whimpered out Robin, tugging his arm.

"What?" he snapped, turning around and seeing a sight that made him scream in terror. It was a man, a very imposing man. He had long scraggly hair and a great bushy bear, with pale skin and dark hypnotic eyes that looked into your soul. He wore a long black robe with the symbol of a snake with a goat head on the chest of it, and had many golden rings on his strong hands. He looked at the two guests, both scared out of their wits as they stood before the threatening god-like man.

"…You are here…I was expecting you two," said the man in a deep and monstrous English accent.

"…Expecting…us?" whimpered Robin, then asking, "Who…who are you?"

"I am not important, Boy Wonder," replied the dark man, "What is important…is your quest." He walked over to the table, swaying his arms out and saying, "The ones you care about are in danger. In order to save them, you must choose the right one."

"Choose…the right…wah?" let out a confused Robin, with Joker stepping over to the table and looking at the diamonds on the table.

"Your enemies are looking for an artifact called **The Red-Bat Diamond**, to find a item of unlimited and unrestricted power," said the man vaguely, "One of these diamonds I have here…is the Red-Bat Diamond. You must choose the right one."

Joker looked around, then pointing down at one of the diamonds with a loud, "This 'un!"

"How did you know?" asked the man in great shock.

Joker grabbed it and held it up proudly. He stated forwardly, "It's shaped like a bat!" And just as the Joker said, the diamond was made to look like a bat stretching its wings. The man nods with a slight smirk, "Spotting the obvious is your grandest gift, Joker."

The man then held out his hands, his fingers arching painfully and strong as he boomed out, "Go! Fulfill the destiny that is needed and make more Miss Martian jabs!"

"Will do!" said Joker with a salute, running away with the diamond in hand. Robin was confused, still looking at the bearded man.

"…Really?" he spurted out, "Who are you?"

"Is my name really important, Tim?" the man calmly asked him.

Robin didn't even acknowledge the man knowing his name, just pausing and asking, "Are you the Mad Monk."

The robed man looked at him with annoyance, then growling out, "Sure, why the fuck not?"

* * *

><p>In the room of the Lazarus Pit, where the many hungry villagers kneel at the other side praying loudly, Ra's was standing on the edge of the other side glaring at them all.<p>

"Seriously now…leave me alone!" called out Ra's, "I want my solitude and peace! This isn't a show, dammit!"

From the large doors, came Lady Shiva and David Cain. Cain was holding an ice pack against his face as Lady Shiva was fully dressed.

"What the hell happened to you?" Ra's asked the in-pain David, whom replied with an angry finger pointing at the Lady Shiva.

She groaned and defended angrily, "He tried to shoot my daughter JUST because she could talk."

"Her language was suppose to be violence!" roared David angrily, "I see people shooting wounded horses all the time because the damage was too severe! What did I do wrong!?"

"I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to side with Shiva here, David," added Ra's with a shiver, "I may be using children as labor…but that's just cold." David replied with a grunt and crossed his arms, turning away from the two.

The doors swung open to reveal the captured Catwoman dressed in a bridal gown for some strange reason, led in by two guards.

"Do you have something better to do than drag me around all the time?" sneered Catwoman.

"Sadly, no," sighed one of said guards. And so, she was brought to Ra's as she barred her teeth at him.

"Gimme back my clothes! Gimme back my whip! Gimme back my Batman!" she yelled over and over again. Before she could go on, Lady Shiva raised a fist in the air, then slowly sliding her foot to the side. And after a three minute pause, she thrusted her fist onto her stomach like a rocket. Catwoman puffed up her cheeks, where a burp was released from her lips from the pure pressure that was given to her stomach from the painful jab.

The cat burglar panted as she was limp as a doll, only the guards holding her were her sole reason for standing. "Yuh…yuh…you…bitch," she hissed out weakly to the Dragon Lady.

"It's my main character trait," said Lady Shiva with a dark tone followed by an evil smirk.

Then came a sight that made Catwoman's heart sink, as she saw Batman walk from the shadows led by Ubu. Batman had a dark glare and his shirt was missing, not that you could see it as his cape covered his manly chest.

"Buh…Batman?" she breathed out.

"_There is no Batman…only Meg Mucklebones_," he grumbled out in insane rambling.

"**Wuh…what the hell did you do to Batman!?**" she screamed out at Ra's.

"_Meg…Mucklebones…_" Batman repeated under his mumbled breath.

"The Detective has been enlightened by the Lazarus Pit, he is now one of us," explained Ra's, then saying truthfully, "But…I have **NO** idea why he is calling himself _Meg Mucklebones_. That shit is stumping me even."

"Yeah, he tried to eat me!" growled out David, only to shudder as Batman appeared behind him with a large grin and hissed out, "_What a fine fat boy you are, Jack!_" David could only reply by hopping away from the Crazed Knight.

Catwoman could only look in awe as she was dragged to the cage, then screaming and struggling as they strapped her in. "Oh God! Oh Jesus Christ! Oh my god! CHRIIIST!"

Ra's walked up to her, holding his hand out and reached out for her heart. However, he stopped and looked at her breasts. He smirked and reasoned, "Why ruin such a nice bust like this?"

He turned to Batman, and held his hand out and said calmly, "Come…come…"

Batman eye twitched as his head did so as well. "_Yeah…Wicker Man was a bad remake…_" he rambled out, stumbling to Ra's and stood before Catwoman with his eyes crazed and sporting a crazed frown.

"Oh! Batman! Please! Don't do this!" she cried out to him, "I know you are in there! Batman…Bruce!"

Batman looked at her, a frown on his face as his eyes darted around. "_Baby's Day Out…was a cinematic masterpiece_," he grumbled out, before closing the cage door on the face of his screaming girlfriend. She struggled as Batman backed away, siding with Ra's al Ghul and Ubu.

"NO! No!" she would scream out as the trapdoor slowly opened beneath her, her death trap lowering down torturously slow.

"Yes…once you have removed all temptation to your past life," said Ra's with a smirk as he patted the Mad Knight's back, "You will be finally eligible to join and lead the League of Assassins."

"_…I am the Wicker Man…_" he grumbled out.

Ra's looked at him in annoyance, then shaking his head and said, "Yeah…that **should** wear off soon…"

Suddenly, two batarangs shot out and hit the back of the heads of both Ra's and Ubu. The two shouted out as they fell to the floor, with Batman looking at a bat in the distance as Catwoman's shrieks were still heard.

Batgirl then appeared before him, landing in front of him as she looked up at her adopted father and unaware of his insanity. She ran to him and shook his hand, calling out, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Batman pulled his hand out and screamed, "_**I'm not your boyfriend!**_" before slapping her in the face. She fell to the floor with a loud yelp, looking up at him with hurt and shock. Batman smiled and returned to looking at absolutely nothing.

She quickly got to her knees as Ra's and Ubu slowly got up, and she pulled out a Sonic Batarang from her belt. "Batman…I love you…" she whimpered out, with Batman looking back at her, annoyed and insane.

After her proclamation, she yelled out as she threw the Batarang at him. Batman screamed as the shock sent him flying at the wall, knocking the wind out of him for a second.

Ubu quickly ran to her and wrapped his arm around her small neck. She grunted and struggled as Ra's stood before her with a golden scimitar in hand. "Fool! You shall not throw a Sonic Batarang…again…" he growled out angrily.

Batman slowly got up, shaking his head. He saw Ra's raising his sword above Batgirl, and was ready to cleave her in two!

Batman held out his hand and yelled, "NO! She's mine!" This caught their attention as Ra's looked at Batman, then nodding with a proud smile. Ubu threw her to the floor, and before she could react Batman grabbed her by the collar.

She looked at him fearfully as he glared at her. And with his sanity in check, he said with a smirk and a wink, "Nice throw, Cass." She blinked hopefully, knowing her father has returned to his senses at last.

He then let go of her collar and quickly threw a batarang at the wheel, stopping the cage from going further. Ra's looked at the wheel in anger, then yelled out to Batman in fury, "**DETECTIVE!**"

Guards began descending at the two, with the vigilantes easily dispatching every standard Arabian soldier trope. Knocking the scimitar from their hands, punching the turbans from their heads, and yanking their handlebar moustaches. Yes, because, as we all know, the Middle East is still in the Middle Ages.

As Batman and Batgirl fought, Lady Shiva and David Cain were standing in the middle of it all. They just stood there as every guard fell down defeated and only watched.

"…Should we fight?" asked Lady Shiva.

David Cain was silent, then replying calmly, "…Naaah…Sure? …Nah…"

"…Naaaah," she replied, shaking her head regrettably.

Batman leapt over the turbans of many angry Arabian guards, and landed in front of Ra's as he attempted to run away up the stairs. "Not so fast, Ra's!" he growled, pulling out three batarangs.

"I don't believe I shall be defeated by a **fool **such as yourself, Detective," Ra's said with a dark and condescending smirk, "Knowing your compassionate heart, you will forgo **me** and save the woman **you **sexually have feelings for. Face it, you're no **Jean-Paul Valley**. He had BALLS!"

Suddenly, Ubu came up to Batman and slapped him in the face, with the Dark Knight falling down and hitting the floor. Ra's looked at him with annoyance and asked, "Was that necessary?"

"…No…" replied Ubu, "…But it _was_ fun." With that, Ubu lead Ra's up the stairs and successfully escaped. Batman got up and glared at Ubu, and calmly growled out, "…Strike Two."

"Batman!" screamed out Batgirl. The Batman looked over to see the batarang in the wheel slowly coming off. Batman could rush over and wheel Catwoman back up, but remember, this is Batman.

He swiftly rushes over and grabs the chain, and began tugging the chain up like some Greek Hero. He growled as he pulled Catwoman's cage bit by bit, with Batgirl, Lady Shiva, and David Cain looking at him with confusion. Batman prefers to do it the hard way. But no one will understand why.

The Dark Knight successfully pulled her cage up from the hole and placed it on the stone tiles. Catwoman was unconscious with bits of her dress burnt off precariously, as you could see her thigh and under her left boob. Yeah, underboob.

Batman opened the cage and pulled her out, breaking the restraints right off. He held her in his hands and shook her gently. "Selina! Wake up!"

She slowly opened her eyes, looking at the Dark Knight holding her. "…Meg…Mucklebones?" she moaned out.

"No! It's Bruce!" he corrected desperately.

"Bruce?" she breathed out, then moaning out, "Bruce!" as she placed her lips against his and kissed him passionately and much to the disgust to Batgirl.

Batman lifted her up and began running away with her in his hands, and his dutiful daughter following him out the main gate. Lady Shiva and David Cain stood there as they watched the two run away, and Lady Cain saying to her one-time fling, "…We maybe should stop them now…"

"…Why didn't we stop them then?" questioned David, unaware of his own hypocrisy.

Lady Shiva glared at him, before slapping the back of his head with such a force than it caused him to make cracks on the floor upon impact.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the cliffs, the Joker's hand finally got to the top and in front of Ra's Temple of Doom. He grunted as he climbed out of the treacherous and maddening cliffs, growling as he crawled across the dirt as he was still pulling Robin from a rope.<p>

"**DAMN! **You're **WAY** fatter than the first Robin!" he growled out.

"That's insulting, you pale jackass!" yelled out Robin, hanging around like a dead fish as Joker began dragging him up. Robin would yelp out every time with cliffs would bash against his body repeatedly.

Finally, Robin was pulled back up, but was clutching his arm as he twitched like a dead rat. "What's _your_ deal, honey-doop?" giggled out Joker.

"You…I think you broke my arm," he whimpered out.

"Oh contraire!" pointed out the Joker smugly, "If I break your arm, it is never by accident, but on purpose."

"…So you meant to break my arm?" asked Robin with a twitch of the eye.

"And I thought you were an idiot!" sighed Joker with a mocking kindness, then laughing at the poor boy.

Robin glared at him, hissing out, "I…hope…you…die…"

"That may be a reality…"

The two looked to see a group of ninjas before the two, with Talia al Ghul standing in front of her squadron of ninjas. "…If you two don't tell me why you are here. Speak quickly, Robin."

"Uh…Talia…Hey…" let out Robin nervously, "We were just-"

"We have something for you!" called out Joker, holding up to the Red-Bat Diamond. Talia and her ninjas were shocked by the sight of their object of desire being held by the Joker.

Robin looked at the Joker with such contempt and disbelief, as small shrieks choked his throat. "…JOKER!" he screamed out, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!?"

Joker looked at him with an innocent smile, then saying with a deep laugh, "You mad? Teeheheheheheheeee!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Love that Joker! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!<strong>

**Anyway, this would've been done SOONER, but I had a virus attack my computer again. Funny thing, my computer said THIS document file was corrupted or something. Which is WHY I believe Ridley Scott sent the virus.**

**He did NOT want me to reference Meg Mucklebones AT ALL!**

**And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Lady Shiva AKA Sandra Wu-San

**Voice Actor:** Wendy Lee

**Description:** A tall Asian woman with long black hair tied back to a ponytail, sadistic eyes, and tattoos covering her arms. She wears a black gi with red outlines and long red jeans. She wears no shoes, but has wraps around her soles and palms. She has a black sash around her waist and a necklace with Shiva on it around her neck.

**Likes:** Breaking bones, Domination, Degrading people, Flan, American Haunting, and at times, her daughter.

**Dislikes:** David Cain.


	45. Batman and the Wrath of Ra's V

**The Banana Slug: Back bitches, sorry for the long absence. Bills, Christmas, stupid legal jargon that does not need to be fully explained.**

**So, yeah, let's try to finish this sucker before I kill this fanfic. I have made too many deadfics in my time, and it is time to keep my promise to keep working on this bitch, even if you guys start to hate it or call it old.**

**I'm okay with that, but the fact is this…**

…**I'M BACK, BITCHES!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 45: Batman and the Wrath of Ra's V**

* * *

><p><strong>Episode V: Raiders of the Lost Arc<strong>

Ra's paced back and forth in his room, clearly distressed as Ubu stood in the middle of the room like a statue. "…Master…" he said calmly, "…perhaps you should lay down."

"Nooo! No, no, no, no!" yelled Ra's angrily, "Batman got out of his trap, and he's going to ruin my plan to make a safe and secure cartoon network. I knew referencing Temple of Doom was a bad idea! Bad idea! Bad idea!"

"No master," implored Ubu, "You have done nothing wrong, Batman has, and he will fail. He always does, Master."

"Yes…yes you are right," he sighed angrily

Ra's sighed again and sat down on his comfy lounge chair, then looking over to his large bodyguard and ordering pleasantly, "Please…sit, Ubu."

"No," Ubu replied casually.

Ra's leapt up and pressed his sword against Ubu's throat, with the Demon's Head looking at him with fury as Ubu stood unafraid. "Damn you! I order you to sit!"

"No," he replied again.

"WHAT IS YOUR DEAL!?" screamed Ra's al Ghul, "All I want you to sit, Ubu! Why won't you sit, Ubu! Sit down, Ubu! All you have to do is sit, Ubu! Why? Why!? WHY!?"

"No," he said once more.

"That is it!" roared Ra's furiously, "If you do not sit down ONE MORE TIME, I will **SLICE YOUR FAT HEAD RIGHT OFF**!"

The doors swung open to reveal Talia and her men leading the bound Joker and Robin into the room, the two had their hands tied together as they stood there tired and hungry. "Swanky place, Ra'ssy! Mola Rom would be jealous!" He giggled as the two were pushed to their knees.

"Why have you brought me this creepy psychopathic clown and force his dirty half-naked knees on my carpet?" questioned Ra's al Ghul, then calmly stating, "The Boy Wonder would be good use, but not the Clown."

Talia stepped up to her father and said, "But father, he had something in his possession that will put that smile back on your face." She then calmly pulled the Red-Bat Diamond from her pocket and presented it to the Demon's Head. Ra's sighed like a happy child and clapped his hands, "Yes! Finally, the Red-Bat Diamond and the Blue-Might Diamond are now in my grasp and the Ark of Might is surely ours! Nothing can spoil my good mood!"

"Master!" called out a voice from the hallway, revealed to be a lone ninja as he ran to his limits into the room, "Batman has entered the mines and is freeing all the children!"

"GOD…DAMMIT!" roared Ra's once more in fury.

"I am on it," said Ubu, walking past the mad Demon and his daughter. Joker slapped his back in appreciation and said, "Go get 'em, tiger." Ubu ignored him and ran to the mines.

* * *

><p>Ubu looked from a cliff in the mines to see the children laughing with joy as they ran out the exits as the Dark Knight beat up the guards with Catwoman and Batgirl joining him. The guards would receive kicks, punches, and slashes to the face, chest, and crotch. They were no match for the trained trio.<p>

"No!" yelled out Ubu angrily, jumping down from the cliff and landing on a guard, breaking every bone in said guard's body. Ubu grabbed Batman by the collar with one hand and growled as he slammed his fist into Batman's face. The Dark Knight was sent onto the conveyer belt as it slowly moved him over to the rock-crushing grinder. Ubu got up and began stomping on Batman over and over again on the stomach, but on the tenth stomp, Batman grabbed his leg and said, "Strike Three, you're out!" before twisting Ubu's foot. Ubu roared in pain as he fell on his back, clutching his twisted foot in agony.

Batman got up and calmly jumped off the belt to meet up with Catwoman and Batgirl. "Alright, handsome, how do we get out of this parody-driven hellhole?" she asked.

"Ra's has planes, we find them and get back to Gotham," said Batman, "But first, we need to get the Blue-Might Diamond from Ra's. As long as he has it, the world will be at his mercy."

Suddenly, Ubu leapt from the conveyer belt and onto Batman's back. Batman struggled to get the large black man off his back, with Batgirl looking to see something on the dreaded Ubu's back. It was a playing card, a Joker card to be specific. She reached out and pulled it off, looking at the back of it.

"What's that?" asked Catwoman as she walked over to Batgirl.

"Help!" called out Batman, slamming Ubu against the stone wall in the attempt to get him off.

"Playing card," replied Batgirl, "Joker playing card."

"I could use some help! Gah!" Batman fell on the ground, with Ubu grabbing his arms and yanking them up, much to Batman's misery.

"Wait…that means Joker survived the crash!" realized Catwoman.

"Gaaaaah! Yaaaaagh!" screamed Batman, with Ubu yanking his arms over and over again, "Joker's…alive…what else could go wrong?"

"If Joker's alive…" let out Batgirl.

"…Then surely Robin is too!" finished Catwoman.

Batman's eyes widened at the thought of Joker alone with Robin, with flashbacks raging through his head of the events of the last Robin. He growled began struggling to get his arms free, and even though Ubu tried, the Batman wrestled his arms out of his lock and quickly slammed Ubu back on the ground.

The shockwave of the large bodyguard falling on his back caused the stalagmites to fall down onto the belt, breaking it and having sapphires stones rain from the ceiling. Needless to say, Catwoman was loving it.

"Sapphires! Gloooorious sapphires!" she swooned, grabbing bushels and stuffing them into her pockets.

"Yes…Sapphires. Teardrops of the Earth," said Batman calmly as he stood stoically, but that was ruined by a huge chest falling on him. Catwoman and Batgirl looked at it as Batman twitched in pain. "Really…appreciating…the help…" growled Batman painfully.

Catwoman slid the chest off of him, inspecting it carefully. "Hm, I think this is that Ark Ra's was looking for."

"No…shit…" growled Batman angrily.

"And I thought you were **not** on our side," chuckled a voice from afar. They all looked to see Ra's, Lady Shiva, and Talia al Ghul at his side with a small army of assassins behind them.

Batman looked up at them with puppy dog eyes, scowling incredibly hard. "…Where's Robin?"

Lady Shiva then pulled him straight out of nowhere and promptly shoved him down in front of Ra's as more ninjas began swarming around the three heroes. Batgirl looked up, staring at Robin with wet eyes.

"Where's the Joker!?" demanded Batman.

"He…he got away," let out Ra's shamefully, with Talia and Shiva trying to hold in their giggling.

"…How?" asked Batman.

"…He goosed me," replied Ra's shamefully, blushing in embarrassment as Lady Shiva and Talia al Ghul laughed hysterically. Ra's spun around and yelled hurtfully, "Stop laughing!"

"…Goosed you?" snickered Batgirl.

Ra's growled and spun back around, yelling loudly, "Yes! Joker goosed me! He goosed me when I wasn't looking and ran away! Now shut up!"

"Joker is known to do that, heheheh!" laughed Batman truthfully, then retelling with mild laughs during, "One time…heheh…one time he goosed Gordon when we was taking him in and, pfft, I swear, Gordon jumped ten feet into the air. Haha!"

"Oh my god, really!?" giggled Catwoman.

"Yeah, you should'a been there!" laughed Batman, "I had to hold Gordon back from throttling Joker, but it was hard concentrating when Bullock was in the back laughing so hard his jowls swung back and forth like a pendulum."

Everyone laughed after that, everyone except Ra's, who was in a state of great scorn at the moment. He then sniffed loudly and threw his sword down at the ground madly, with that, the laughter ceased.

"Hey! I am still here! And I am still going to kill your stupid sidekick if you DON'T give me the Ark!" yelled Ra's as he grabbed Robin's hair.

"Ow," said Robin simply.

"What's your deal, Ra's al Ghul?" questioned an annoyed Batman.

"The author is getting tired of referencing George Lucas and I need to wrap this shit up!" yelled Ra's angrily, "So! Give up the Ark so we can finish up this Arc!"

Ra's then stopped and looked around, asking bluntly, "Wait…where is Batgirl?" Batman and Catwoman looked around, also confused about this when all of a sudden, said Batgirl shot out like a rocket to Ra's and tacked him. The Demon fell down the cliff screaming as Talia and Shiva watched with surprise.

"Hehe," chuckled Batman, "She's like a ferocious little bunny-rabbit…doesn't sound intimidating but-" He was quickly interrupted by Ubu suddenly leaping out like a bunny rabbit and pinning him down on the conveyer belt. As the two struggled on the moving belt, the Dark Knight shouted out, "Selina! Get the Ark outta here!"

"Oh! Sure, why not I use my super-human muscles to lift it back to the jets while you sit on your ass yelling at me what I'm doing wrong!" snarked Catwoman harshly, then yelling angrily, "How am I suppose to drag this sonuva outta here!?"

Batman was suddenly slammed on the belt by Ubu, laying in front of Catwoman and growling as he shook his fist at her, "Just do it!"

"OKAY!" she yelled back, dragging the Ark away slowly as she growls and grunts horribly, with Batman frowning as he was pulled down the belt.

Meanwhile, Ra's thrashed on the ground and screamed like a banshee as Batgirl nibbled his cheek. "AAAARAGH! Get her off! Her teeth are like spider bites!"

Talia and Shiva simply watched with Robin kneeling between them. Robin glanced lightly before looking up at the two. "So…can I go now?"

"No," replied Talia, then turning to Shiva and ordering, "Watch the boy, I'll take care of Twatwoman." Talia jumped down to the ground and rushed over at the exhausted Catwoman, with the thief tackled into the ground by Talia oh so roughly.

Shiva looked around, seeing the chaos of it all with Batman fighting Ubu, Talia fighting Catwoman, and Ra's al Ghul getting nibbled by Batgirl. She rolled her eyes, grabbing Robin's hair and walking to Cassandra with locks in hand.

"Cassandra, stop being stupid!" she snapped loudly, "Let go of the Demon's Head and join our crusade!"

"I'll never join you!" shouted Batgirl, "You killed my-"

"No! No! Nonono!" interrupted Shiva with rage, "I am not doing this! We already know I am your mother, so this joke is-"

"No!" quoted a hysterical and distraught Batgirl, "That's not true! That's impossible!"

"Are you retarded!?" she shouted, her left eye twitching as saliva dripped from her mouth, "**You already know this**!"

"NOOOOoooo!" Batgirl cried out in agony, "…Noooo…" Lady Shiva would just simply roll her eyes at this pointless reference, god knows this arc is full of 'em. But as Cassandra was lost in referential idiocy, Ra's would quickly hit her chin with a palm thrust, sending her to the floor with a loud thud.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Catwoman and Talia wrestled on the ground with a dirt cloud forming around them as Batman and Ubu exchanged blows over and over as the conveyer kept moving closer and closer to the rock crushing wheel.<p>

"I'm not gonna lose to some stuck-up daddy's girl!" growled Catwoman, thrusting her fist at her only to have it quickly get caught by the trained assassin.

"Please! Like Bruce would choose you over me," laughed Talia, sending fist after fist at Catwoman's face, "Look at you! You are just some stupid cat-whore! A nympho and a klepto bundled into one litter box surprise! My beloved would NEVER love you! Knowing him, he probably never slept with you!"

Talia couldn't taunt anymore, for a swift kick to the crotch caused the air to escape her lungs. Tears ran down her eyes, but in her daze, she couldn't see Catwoman send a slash to her face and send her tumbling on the ground.

Selina quickly got up and ripped a part of her wedding dress off, allowing more leg room as she then cracked her knuckles. "Let me tell you something, you hypocritical, moronic, and hopeless chode-muncher!" snarled Catwoman, "Batman does what he does because he's Batman. Nobody can influence or change who Batman is, and you know why? 'Cause he's Batman! You think you know him because you were able to jump his bat-rocket, but let me tell you something, scarlet!"

As Talia tried to get up, Catwoman flipped and landed on Talia's back. She sat on her as she dug her nails onto her hair. "I rocked his world!" With that, she slammed her head onto the ground and quickly knocked her out.

As this little cat-fight was going on, Batman was pinned down by Ubu, which the large scary black man was strangling him savagely. "You will pay, you pathetic rodent-man!" roared Ubu, "I will make you die over and over again! I swear it!"

"I already took a dip in Lazarus juice, thank you very much!" growled Batman, slamming his fist at the side of his face. This caused Ubu to fall down on the belt, trying to get up as he growled angrily. But as expected, his sash becomes stuck on the grinder and began pulling him to it.

Ubu began yelling out, trying to get away. Batman watched in horror as Ubu's legs were smashed by the wheels, with the servant of the demon screaming in an exaggerated manner, with "Wooohoooos!" and "Yababababas!"

Batman simply walked off and looked at the other side, seeing the pancake that was Ubu…and seeing the curled up arms flop around as he heard an unearthly giggle.

"Holy smokes! You're a toon!" shouted a shocked Batman.

"Surprised!?" squeaked Ubu.

Batman then began to ponder for some time, before saying, "…No…actually, it makes sense." With that, he simply walked away to Catwoman, who was repeatedly slamming her foot at the defeated Talia al Ghul's ribs.

"And for the record, one does not rock Batman's world," stated an arrogant Bat, "and it was I who rocked thy world. Your screams were a testament to that."

"Stuff it, rich-boy!" hissed Catwoman, grabbing his collar aggressively. Batman only responded with a calm growing smile, and was received with the same. This moment was stopped by the sound of clicking guns.

They looked around to see armed gunmen ready to shoot them all, with Ra's walking past them and standing in front of the two. He chuckled and said, "Trust me…your screams will be worse."

* * *

><p>Later that day, in the bright canyon with the scorching sun beating down like a flamethrower in the sky, was a large group of people trekking through with the Ark lifted by two large burly men. Leading them was Ra's al Ghul and Talia, proudly strolling with the Arabian ninjas following them.<p>

The fantastic four (no way related to Marvel's copyrighted team) were bound by chains, with all four of them grumpy and annoyed. Batman sighed in anger and said furiously, "What is the point of all this! Blow my brains out already, you drugged-up Arabian Fu Manchu! I swear, this heat is making me so mad!"

"Shut it, you menstruating loser!" snarked Lady Shiva, walking beside him, "We're letting you witness the power of god before we kill you."

"Whatevs," growled Batman. Lady Shiva rolled her eyes and walked away proudly, with Batman getting a glance at her rear-end before returning to his slump.

"It's good to see your still alive!" shouted out Robin, "Are you glad to see me alive?"

"No, now leave me alone to my brooding!" growled Batman, looking away.

"Batman!" egged Robin playfully.

"Mrrmph!" grumbled out Batman, biting his upper lip.

"Baaaaatmaaaan!" egged Robin even more, smiling widely.

"Mrrgh!" he growled out, shaking his head, "Yes! I am ecstatic! Now stop it, you're ruining the mood!"

"Ha!" laughed out Catwoman, "Still such the sweetheart." Batman's eye twitched, it was "_Scarecrow's My Little Pony Experiment_" all over again.

As they walked, they failed to notice Joker standing in his underwear on the ledge, holding a green/purple multi-colored RPG resting on his shoulder.

"Hey! Bunky the Pot-Head!" shouted Joker, getting everyone's attention, "Release the boobs and I'll blow up your precious Ark!"

They all began looking around, except for Batman and company, who gave dead-stares at the Joker.

"Don't you mean OR you'll blow up the Ark?" enquired Talia curiously.

"No, he means 'and', Talia," explained Batman calmly, "Joker will blow it up even if you don't release us."

"Read like a book!" giggled Joker, then aiming the RPG at the Ark, "Now, the boobs! Then, the Ark!"

Ra's calmly walked to the Ark, having his men depart away as it was lowered down. "Alright Joker…you win," said Ra's al Ghul with a smile, "Blow it up! Blow it back to God!"

He chuckled and said, "Aren't you curious to see what is inside? I know your kind, Joker. You'd damn the whole world for just one peek inside of this ark."

Joker lowered his RPG, thinking lightly to himself as Batman glared at him with an open mouth. Then, much to everyone's horror, he shrugged and said with a smile, "Sure, why not?"

"JOKER!" roared Batman, "WHAT THE HELL!?"

"Oh, knock it off!" laughed Joker as he dropped the RPG, which launched out and hit a weather balloon, "Who cares? DC Nation is back and Disney XD is getting its ass handed by Marvel fans for that crappy "Ultimate Spider-Man" show!"

"Yeah…but…" let out Batman, shivering with rage.

"Besides, Miss Martian finally got her just desserts!" laughed the Joker wildly, "She mind-raped Aqualad and now knows how stupid of a move she did! It's perfect punishment for that arrogant green psycho-bitch!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in a completely different universe, said Miss Martian was reading this very fanfiction as she shook her head with annoyance, sitting in front of a computer as Superboy was looking in the fridge of the Hall of Justice.<p>

"They're doing it again!" growled Miss Martian, "All the time, I get not flack. Calling me rapist and a bitch. Who are they to judge!?"

"Well, maybe Manchester Black isn't the best person to emulate," mentioned Superboy under his breath.

"You be quiet!" snapped Miss Martian, "Besides, he doesn't even exist in this universe maybe!"

"Look, all I'm saying mental mind rapes may not be the right thing as a superhero," explained Superboy, "I mean, don't you remember when we were in Arkham? Where Scarecrow took over the whole establishment, you got stalked by a ghost, Joker grabbed my ass, and it all just was a poor man's attempt to be Grant Morrison?"

"Conner," quickly added Miss Martian, twirling her chair a bit and saying, "We do not talk about that incident at Arkham. We don't even hint it."

"All I'm saying if you really want all this violent hero crap, join the Authority," finished Superboy in annoyance, "Midnighter and Apollo can be your gay best friends."

Miss Martian sighed and returned to her computer, only to be interrupted by a knock on the door. "Hold on, I'll get it," she said, getting up and floating towards the door to the room.

It slid open to reveal…

SCARECROW!

He was holding a platter, then quickly shoving it to her and lifting the top, revealing Beast Boy's severe head with lettuce leaves surrounding him.

"Room service!" he hissed out with a demented gleeful tone. Miss Martian screamed in horror as the head looked at her, and was stuck in that little nightmare that followed her from Arkham.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yeah…<strong>

**I'm kinda disappoint about DC Nation. Y'see, I thought we could make a difference. I thought we could fight the power and say, "No! We won't take this lying down as you fuck us over and over again"…**

…**But in reality, we can do nothing BUT lie down and let them fuck us. There is nothing to do, there is nothing we CAN do.**

**We are all slaves to the corporations, and we can't do anything to free ourselves.**

…

**Nothing at all.**

…

…**And now! It's time for! BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Talia al Ghul

**Voice Actor:** Courtney Cox (Like anyone takes this seriously :P)

**Description:** Talia has dark caramel skin with brown hair and green eyes. She has an amazing figure that screams "motorboat those twins". She usually wears a dark combat outfit complete with boots and a handle on her back for her katana. She usually keeps it slightly zipped down to reveal her cleavage because shut up, I have no girlfriend.

**Likes:** Batman, Her father, Spaghetti, Saving the world from evil, The Amazing World of Gumball, M&M's, Skittles, and reading Atlas Shrugged

**Dislikes:** Catwoman, Hasbro, Coffee, Having to talk to her father when he's on a 'trip', and Jason Todd constantly calling her


	46. Batman and the Wrath of Ra's VI

**The Banana Slug: Woop wooop! This Arc is going to end! Now I can get onto more important stuff! The annual 25 memes chapter! Killing Joke in a Nutshell! Wonder Woman! All that shit!**

**I have NO idea what it is about arcs that tire me out! But they are needed, and I am always satisfied with the results after they are finished. BUT DAMN! Are they a bitch to make!**

**SPECIAL GUEST CAMEO APPEARANCE: Batman's Greatest Fan**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 46: Batman and the Wrath of Ra's VI**

* * *

><p><strong>Episode VI: The Last Chapter<strong>

It was pitch-black, with Ra's, Talia, David Cain, Lady Shiva, and surprisingly Ubu stood in front of the Ark as the League of Assassins stood before them. Ubu held the Blue-Might as David Cain held the Red-Bat, ready to unleash ultimate power.

Batman and his allies (and Joker) were tied up to wooden poles impaled into the ground as they were forced to watch.

"Should we close our eyes?" squeaked Batgirl.

"You can if you want," Batman said to her, "I am going to watch."

"Won't you explode?" asked Catwoman.

"…Batman doesn't explode," was all he said.

With that, the two placed the diamonds in slots at the side of the Ark, backing away as they heard something click open. Ra's trembled with ambrosia as he reached out and slid the lid right off, looking inside and seeing a great fog inside of it. Everyone watched as the fog began to rise into the sky, watching lights of blue and red shine within.

"Batman…are we…gonna die?" breathed out Catwoman.

"Yes!" shouted out Joker.

"Shut up!" yelled Catwoman.

"Selina…I have no idea," breathed out the Batman, "…For once in my life…I don't have…a plan…"

Selina looked at him with sorrow, her frown soft yet doomed. "Bruce…hold me…"

"I wish I could," sighed Batman sorrowfully, "…but I am tied up at the moment.'

Ra's gazed in awe as the ball of fog descended in front of him, twirling around before him as he reached out in worship. His eyes rained tears as he smiled so wide with joy and rapture.

"It's…so…beautiful…" breathed out Ra's, watching as the fog swirled around with a figure inside forming. The fog dispersed to reveal such a horrifying sight, revealing a creature of unimaginable power yet one wouldn't know it if they looked at it. It soon dispersed to reveal a reality-warping imp from the 5th Dimension dressed as Batman…wait…

"HEY YOU GUYS!" shouted the ecstatic Bat-Mite as he smiled wide as his arms were out, "It's me! Bat-Mite! Your number one fan!" Oh shit.

Ra's screamed in horror, along with Talia, Ubu, and David Cain, but not Shiva, she was enjoying a cigarette.

"…Should…have…known…" growled out Batman, scowling as hard as he possibly can.

Bat-Mite floated up to Batman and giggled like a school girl. "Omigod! Omigod omigod omigod! Batman! It's so good to see ya again! I'm your number one fan! I can't believe it! Seein' my hero all in a mission and everythin'!"

He quickly pulled out of nowhere a paperback graphic novel, pressing it against Batman's unamused face. "Batman! Batman! Batmanbatmanbatman! Sign my **Batman: RIP **book! Pleeeeaaase!" The ADD stricken rushed to Joker with another paperback in his hand, pressing it against the madman's amused face. "Can you also sign my **Killing Joke **book? Alan Moore stopped taking my calls!"

"Sure thing, budday!" laughed the Joker, "Just put that pen in my mouth and I'll sign away!"

As Joker signed Bat-Mite's book sloppily, Batman began to think with his Bat-Brain. He looked around to see the League of Shadows…or Assassins…and see them so dumbfounded to even move.

"That…is what I…have been wasting my time…" groaned out the Demon's Head in agony, "…sabotaging cartoon channels…for? I…I…I need to lay down."

Talia patted Ra's back with a concerned frown, rubbing his shoulder as she said, "Don't worry father, I'm sure we can still use him to-"

"BAT-MITE!" shouted Batman. The fan looked as Joker finished signing his name as, "Wilt Chamberlain." Bat-Mite floated over to Batman gleefully, with pixie dust sprinkling from his butt.

"Yes, Batman!?" called out an elated Bat-Mite, "You…you wanted to see me? Me? Me who is your biggest fan in the whole wo-"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up!" snapped Batman, who then looked around and whispered, "Hey…you like DC Nation?"

"Oooooh yes!" shouted out Bat-Mite with pleasure, snapping his fingers and freeing Batman from the pole, "I love it! Young Justice! Green Lantern! Could use more Batman though, and I'm just scared that Beware the Batman is not gonna be able to satisfy my Bat-Love, and the CGI!? Come on! I am sooo tired of that crap so much that-"

"Focus!" snapped Batman, getting tired of Bat-Mite's fanrant as he was forced to stand in front of the crazy imp. He breathed deeply and regained his composure, asking, "Do you remember when DC Nation just suddenly went into hiatus? How did that make you feel?"

"Oh, I was quite irate," added Bat-Mite, crossing his arms and pouting.

"Bat-Mite," said Batman.

"Yeah-huh?" let out Bat-Mite.

Batman then pointed at Ra's and simply added, "He did it."

Bat-Mite quickly spun around, developing bear-like fangs and roaring like an elephant as his eyes glowed with a green light. He screamed in anger as he lifted himself into the sky as trails of green lightning surrounded him.

Ra's watched in horror, with Talia grabbing his shoulder and tugging him away. She quickly hurried him away from the angry imp as lightning began to electrify the assassins. They screamed in pain, only to be quickly silenced by death.

As this horror show went on, Batman quickly rushed to the aid of Catwoman and cut her down with a batarang, followed by Robin and Batgirl. When Robin was released, he leapt out and hung onto the Batman like a sloth to a tree. Batman grumbled as he released Cassandra, now having two 'sloths' hanging onto him.

The three quickly ran away, with Joker still hanging around on the pole as he looked around. With annoyance, he shouted angrily, "HEY! DON'T FORGET **ME**!"

Batman grumbled as he trudged back, releasing Joker stating, "Don't get me wrong, I still wish you'd die in a car accident."

Joker leapt out to be the third sloth, only to fall flat on his face on the dirt. Batman grinned as he walked away, Joker following him with a crawl.

Bat-Mite's terror did not end, with the only three people left were Shiva, David Cain, and Ubu.

Ubu screamed out as his face dried up, with his eyeballs popping out as blood ran out his mouth in great torrents. David Cain's face melted as he let out his last scream, revealing a white skull as his eyeballs simply fell out of his school.

Bat-Mite released one more demonic roar before disappearing in a flashing light, taking the Ark with him as he flew into the distance, leaving nothing but carnage and death in his wake.

Lady Shiva, however, was left unscathed from the ordeal. She was too busy playing "Words With Friends" as the can of destruction was pulled out at them all. She glanced to see all the destruction caused by the angry imp-monster, and with a sigh she grabbed David's body by the arm and dragged him through the dirt, away from the gruesome display of what happens when you piss off a one-dimensional being that can warp reality at his whim.

"Come on, let's get you to the Lazarus Pit, you sad waste of a man," grumbled Lady Shiva, still contemplating why she is giving a damn. Probably really wanted that Gold Star.

* * *

><p>Suddenly, it was daytime, and the four escapees from Ra's al Ghul's house of horrors ran to a rickety wooden bridge hanging over a deep chasm, with the bottom filled with a moat infested with hungry crocodiles.<p>

"Well, I'm not walking over that!" snapped Joker, suddenly leaping into Catwoman's arms and demanding aggressively, "Carry me!" Catwoman blew a hair from her face and glared at Batman.

"Don't argue with him, let's just get the hell out of here before I lose my goddamn mind!" he snapped angrily, leading the others across the bridge.

As they were halfway across, Joker suddenly screamed and pointed his finger at the end, hurting Catwoman's ears in the process. What he was screaming about was incredibly simple, for it was Ra's al Ghul and Talia at the other end, with another army of assassins.

"Where the hell do you get these losers!?" yelled Batman in annoyance.

"You'd be surprised how easy it is to get assassins for your own personal use, Detective," replied Ra's calmly. He then growled out as his men began to walk on the bridge, brandishing scimitars, "You ruined my plan to save the world, Detective…now I am going to kill you."

Talia quickly looked at Ra's with worry, saying with displeasure, "But father! You said-"

"Screw it!" roared Ra's angrily, "He ruined my plans for the last damn time! I want him dead, dead like my hopes of seeing a perfect cartoon world!" Ra's began to tear up, but returned to his dark stoic state with a wipe of his cheek.

"Uh, Batman," let out Joker, "a plan would be nice at this moment."

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking," growled Batman, twiddling a batarang in his hand as he thought deeply of a plan, but the sound of running was not helping him gather his thoughts.

"Wait! Who is that!?" pointed out Talia loudly. Everyone looked to see a dust cloud in the distance, with trees being pushed out of the way as a figure ran out at them, a highly familiar figure.

"Is…that?" let out Catwoman, squinting out to the distance.

"Oh no…" groaned Robin, annoyed at the prospect Joker was actually right.

"HARLEY!" yelled out Joker happily. And lo and behold, Harley Quinn was the one running through the world to get to her man. She quickly leapt out into the air, high as she began to descend rapidly.

Harley landed on the bridge, breaking it and sending everyone off like an explosion. Before the bridge could collapse, she jumped up again and grabbed the flying Joker. She jumped over Ra's and Talia as they stared in amazement, landing behind them and running away with her man.

"Where the hell were you!" snapped an ungrateful Joker, "Do you know how much pain I was in!?"

"Sorry, Mistah J!" whined Harley as she ran away with Joker in her arms, "But it was killah gettin' here! I had to go through Japan, fight through a swarm of horny dolphins, and-"

"TUT TUT!" shouted Joker angrily, "Excuses excuses! I don't wanna hear 'em! Just get me off this picture!"

Harley sighed and did as her abusive boyfriend commanded, effectively getting him out of this dragging arc.

* * *

><p>The bridge rested against the side of the cliff, with the Batman clutching on the wooden planks as Catwoman hung to his cape as Batgirl held onto the end of her ripped dress as Robin hung to her cape.<p>

They watched as assassins fell down the chasm to a bunch of gluttonous crocodiles, suddenly turning into bloody rags as the crocs tore them apart with voracious anticipation.

"Alright! Everyone hang on!" shouted out Batman, "I can easily climb this crappy bridge."

"Are you sure you can carry us?" yelled out Robin.

"Robin! What is the main reason for all the cool stuff I can do!?" shouted Batman sternly.

"I know, I know," sighed Robin, hearing this over and over before, "you're Batman."

"Daaaaamn straight!" laughed Batman, growling as he reached out and grabbed plank from plank, lifting all three of them up the bridge with little to no effort.

"Hey, quit looking up my can!" snapped Catwoman.

"Sorry," apologized Robin with a large blush on his face.

Batman reached out into the ledge, growling as he climbed from the chasm with Catwoman still hanging onto the cape, dangling against the cliff side. Until, a sword came down and cut Batman's cape in half, with the three falling down the chasm to their imminent doom.

However, Catwoman reached out and grabbed a plank, holding on for dear life as she tries to pull everyone up, but she has a hard time pulling the sidekicks as they hang there.

"What's going on!?" shouted Batgirl.

"A high asshole, that's what!" shouted back Catwoman.

* * *

><p>Batman was quickly kicked to the floor by Ra's, who was as mad as he was high…deeply. Ra's grabbed Batman by the collar and slammed him into the ground as Talia watched in horror.<p>

"You have displeased me, Detective!" growled the Demon's Head, "I will now kill you…now, young Detective…you will die…" He then began stomping on Batman, with the Dark Knight grunting in pain with every step of the Demon's Foot.

Batman growled in pain as Talia kept gazing in terror from her loved one's beating. "Um, dad…can't we…give him another chance?"

"No! The Detective has failed too many times!" roared Ra's, "Now, stay out of my way and let me murder my ex-heir!" With that, he returned to stomping the man over and over again without mercy.

Batman was bruised and beaten, blood trickling down his lips as he looked up at the woman who loved him, moaning out in pain, "Talia…please…help…Bat…maaaannn…"

Talia was in a crossroads, not knowing I she must stay and let her father kill the man she loved, or save Batman and ruin herself in the image of the man she respects. Unsure who to choose, she reached in her pocket and pulled out a keychain with the image of Gumball Watterson. It was only then, did she realize one thing, she must do what is right. For Batman. For the world.

For Gumball.

Letting instincts taking control, she reached out and grabbed Ra's al Ghul. He yelled out in surprise as Talia carried him over to the ledge, then promptly threw him down the chasm to his doom.

Catwoman and the others watched as Ra's fell down the chasm as he yelled out to the sky, falling into the crocodile-filled waters and being promptly ripped apart, with his bloody rags all that is seen as they eat him possibly. It seems Ra's al Ghul…was made of clothes.

"Huh…" let out Talia, looking down the cliff with Batman, "…I don't think I am going to get that Gold Star after all…"

"Hey! Batman!" shouted out Catwoman from the fallen bridge, "Help us up! I don't have meaty pythons for arms like you do! I can't lift these fat-asses up!"

Talia turned to Batman and said, "There…is a jet in the hangar, I suggest you use it before my father's men show up and kill you."

She began walking away as Batman reached down and grabbed Catwoman's arm, saying, "I'm going home to wait for my dad, I have a lot of explaining to do. Next time, I won't be easy on you."

Batman thought as he pulled all three up from the cliff, all of them plopping on the sand. "I know," said Batman.

"I wasn't talking to you, beloved," she said, glancing at Catwoman before walking away. Catwoman got up and gave a glare-pout combo at Talia al Ghul before muttering out, "…Bitch."

* * *

><p>Unclimactically later, Batman was driving the jet through the desert skies with Catwoman, Batgirl, and Robin sitting inside with him.<p>

"Well…there goes my diamond…" sighed Catwoman sadly, looking out the window with melancholy, "and it was so…pretty…and shiny…mostly shiny."

"Don't worry, Selina," reassured Batman, "once we get back home, you can steal one thing from the Cyrus Pinkley Museum. One. Thing."

Catwoman looked at Batman with big anime eyes, with a wide child-like smile. "You…you mean it? You are actually going to let me get away with something?"

"Yes, but just this once, so don't think you can get any more freebies from me," said Batman sternly, whom was replied with Catwoman reaching out and wrapping her arms around him, which was followed by her licking his face over and over again. Batman was pleased.

In this ring of affection, Batgirl lifted her mask of and quickly gave her Robin a peck on the cheek. The Boy Wonder was shocked, blushing as he gave off a goofy grin as he rubbed his face.

"Wowwie!" he giggled out, then snapping out of his funk as he realized something, "Hey, Batman, where is Joker?"

"One of the jets was gone, so it's safe to say he escaped along with us," said Batman, sighing in annoyance at the prospect Joker is getting no karma for his actions, but still enjoying the cat burglar licking his face sensually.

Meanwhile, in Joker's Jet, the modern day Bonne and Clyde (or the Post-90s Mickey and Mallory) were laughing victoriously as they flew across the sky with gusto.

"Ha haha haaa!" laughed the Joker, "I have so many ideas with this jet! I could destroy a block with the guns! Run over people with it! Hell, I could actually make that massacre idea where I blame "_**Top Gun**_" for giving me the idea! It's perfect!"

"And what's bettah!" added Harley happily, "We have escaped from all retribution and kicked karma in the twat!"

"Right you are, Harls!" chuckled Joker, then announcing, "Nothing can ruin this day! NYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!"

Little did they know that they were being watched from binoculars once more, another prey for the hungry hawk. But what one doesn't know is that a totally different bird of prey is hunting them, for this bird was the mighty Penguin.

"Wah wah wah!" chuckled Oswald Cobblepot as he watched binoculars, with his men standing beside him, "So the Joker thinks he can poison me and get away with it? No…not today, I'm afraid!"

"Want us to shoot him down?" asked one of his henchmen.

"No," said the Penguin maliciously, "I have a better idea." He then turned around and faced a flock of pigeons on the ground, pecking at the dirt as they cooed annoyingly.

"Toot! Toot toot toot toot toot!" tooted the Penguin as he rushed at them with his umbrella opening over and over again, causing them all to fly out into the sky.

The pigeons flew up and hit the Joker's jet, blinding him as the jet began to twirl in the sky. Both Harley and Joker screamed as they hugged each other, sitting helplessly as the jet crashed in the sand.

Penguin smiled and nodded, but his men looked at him with confusion and amazement at how well that worked.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yep, and that's how I will end the Arc, with Penguin scaring a bunch of pigeons. Hope you enjoyed it, because I didn't.<strong>

**But yeah, like I said, would have finished this sooner, but I had internet problems due to this crappy economy and all that jazz.**

**Also, I bet one or two of you have been waiting for a joke about the ending from "Raiders of the Lost Ark", haven't you? Well, it's being looked at by top men.**

**Batman: Who?**

**The Banana Slug: Top…Men…**

**And Now, it's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Ubu AKA Ubu

**Voice Actor: **Kevin Michael Richardson (For your scary black guy needs.)

**Description:** He is large, muscular, black, and scary. He's completely bald and he has dark intimidating eyes. He has a scar reaching from his forehead to the bottom right part of his lip. He usually wears a black karate gi, with red waistbands and ripped sleeves. I don't know why I am describing him, really. He's dead…and he won't be coming back.

**Likes:** Ra's al Ghul, Suicide Girls, Fighting, Hurting Batman, Looking at the sun, Indiana Jones

**Dislikes:** Sitting


	47. We Are Still Outlaws

**The Banana Slug: Originally this chapter was going to be an Abridged Version of the Killing Joke, but as I read it as I wrote it…**

…**It wasn't funny.**

**I don't know, it was funny at parts (in my opinion), but seemed to be too straight-edged for my taste.**

**Someday, maybe, I might be able to work out the kinks and give you The Killing Joke in a Nutshell. But…for now…**

**SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: Blackfire from **_**Teen Titans**_** and the Ambassador from **_**Young Justice**_

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 47: We Are Still Outlaws!**

* * *

><p><strong>Red Arrow: Road House<strong>

**8:54 AM**

Jason Todd awoke in his bed in a dingy apartment, wearing only his red boxers and his little pair of red socks. Yawning as he got up and stretched, scratching his crotch lazily and looked around his apartment. He saw his red cell-phone (or maybe it was Dick's) on the night-stand, grabs it, and turns it on. He quickly calls "Roy Harper", pressing the phone against his ear.

"Please enjoy the music while you wait for your call to go through." And with that, Red Hood enjoyed the tunes of "My Humps" by The Black-Eyed Peas.

"…Hello?" groaned a grumpy voice.

"Hey, it's me, Jason," greeted Red Hood.

"…Jason…it's five in the morning," he growled out tiredly.

"No, it's eight, dum-dum," corrected an oblivious Red Hood.

"…I'm visiting Raven at Jump City," he snapped spitefully.

"What does that have to do with it being eight in the morning!?" yelled Red Hood, then stopping and saying, "Wait…you seein' Raven? You tappin' that?"

"Sadly, no," groaned Red Arrow, "she wants me to clean up her room after I raided her panty drawer."

"Can you…tell me about them?" asked Red Hood anxiously.

"Black thongs," answered Red Arrow simply.

"REALLY!?" laughed Red Hood.

"Yeah…Raven's a thong-girl," said Red Arrow, "Picture that in your head."

"I already am…nice!" chuckled Red Hood, then saying, "Anyway, bring Starfire so that we can go out tonight, get drunk, maybe see a movie-"

"How the hell are we gonna get there!? We are in fucking Jump City!" yelled Roy.

"Shut up, Roy," was the last thing Jason said before ending the call coldly.

**9:11 AM**

Red Hood, fully dressed, sat on his couch and was smoking a doobie, waiting for his friends. Suddenly, the door opened to reveal Red Arrow and Starfire calmly walk in.

"Finally!" groaned an angry Red Hood, "You guys took forever!"

"Blow me, Jason," snapped Roy angrily, "So…where are we going?"

"…I dunno, I thought you had some ideas," admitted Red Hood.

"Emotional sex?" suggested Starfire with a grin on her face.

"Not now," Red Arrow said quickly, leaving Starfire emotionally disheartened, "I don't know why I hang out with you, you're like the dumb drunk friend that always acts like a douche and no matter how many times I kick your ass you still act like an arrogant fag."

Red Hood rolled his eyes and said aggressively, "Roy! Cut the shit! I need your help finding something to do other than smoke pot and jerk off!"

"I dunno, it's way too early to get drunk and have sex," said Red Arrow, thinking before finally asking, "Wanna watch TV?"

Red Hood gave him the deepest glare, finding that idea stupid and cliché…however…

**9:15 AM**

And so, the three sat down on the couch, watching SpikeTV as the joint was simmering on the ash tray. All of them were visibly bored, but like every other human being, they watch television even though they don't give a damn what's on.

"…Why are the women in their underwear?" asked Starfire, "Surely they must be cold from wearing little to no clothes."

"Because men love to see them with little clothes as possible," said Red Arrow.

"Why?" queried Starfire.

"Because we love tits and ass," said Red Hood, he then looked at Starfire and said, "Speaking of which." Starfire pouted and crossed her arms, looking away with annoyance.

"I already saw this episode of MANswers," said Roy, "Let's watch some Cartoon Network."

"Not until they bring back DC Nation," growled Red Hood.

"Dude, they brought it back," corrected Red Arrow.

"Did they explain why they put it on hiatus?" asked Red Hood.

"Uh, no, no they did not," answered Red Arrow hesitantly.

"Then fuck'm," replied Red Hood, staring at the television as the other Outlaws were lost in it.

**12:45 PM**

After hours of watching television, the Outlaws walked out of the apartment building with Red Hood looked around and straightened his jacket, Red Arrow brushed his hair with his fingers, and Starfire standing there with a curious look.

"So, where to, Red Hood?" asked Red Arrow defensively.

"I'll tell ya where," said Red Hood in a cool tone, putting on some 3D Glasses from out of nowhere, "to the Blazing World!" He was then replied with a slap to the back from Red Arrow, promptly knocking the 3D glasses off.

"Let's get something to drink!" yelled out Starfire, "Let us drink the Charred Ton-A and Jack of Daniels! Then we get smashed by them."

"…I don't have any argument," said Red Hood, then asking Roy, "What about you? Gonna be pissy 'bout it?"

"…Like I have an opinion," sighed Roy with a scowl. With that, he followed Jason and Starfire into Hood's car, with them all driving away for their strange adventures today. Surely, someone is going to get slapped again.

**12:50 PM**

Jason stopped the car, parking it in front of the Iceberg Lounge as Jason was cracking his neck calmly, Roy in the back with Starfire as the two looked at him.

"Hey, Jason," said Red Arrow, "Weren't we banned?"

"Nope," laughed Red Hood, "I threatened Penguin with a Snuggie and forced him to let me go in at anytime."

"…A Snuggie?" giggled out Starfire.

"Yeah…I'm quite proud of that, actually," chuckled Red Hood bashfully, opening the door as Roy and Koriand'r followed him. The two walked to the front door as Penguin stood out front with a bemoaned look on his face.

He looked over at Starfire and asked, "You're not going to-"

"Still no," simply said Starfire.

"Of course," groaned Penguin, "Please don't mess up the place too much this time." He sighed as he waddled inside, with the Outlaws following him inside. The two looked around as they walked to the bar, with Starfire seeing someone very familiar to her.

"Sister!?"

From the bar, the three would see the sister of Starfire, Blackfire, sitting at the desk drinking a martini. She turned her head, saw her sister, and groaned while she rolled her eyes.

"Sister…how 'nice' to see you," said Blackfire with deep annoyance. Starfire flew over and sat next to her as Red Hood sat at the other side, and finally with Roy sitting next to Starfire.

"I didn't know you were going to come to Earth!" beamed Starfire happily with 100% sincerity in her voice, "Why didn't you give me the call?"

"Because," was all she said to her as she took a drink of her martini.

"I thought you were married to that green watchamacalit that you tried to get Starfire to marry," pointed out Red Arrow.

"What? Can't a married woman go far out into the galaxy to get a drink?" scoffed Blackfire, then saying with a smile, "Besides, I'm a widow now."

"Glgrdsklechhh is dead?" gasped Starfire in shock, clasping her hands against her mouth as Red Hood ordered a glass of scotch.

"Yeah, my ex had a number of enemies, one of them hired the Main Man to take him out and…well, need I go on?" explained Blackfire, then sighing happily before saying, "Boy…after he splattered Glgrdsklechhh with a sawed-off shotgun to the face, he claimed me over and over and **over** again."

"Sounds like Lobo," added Red Hood, taking a shot of scotch.

"Oh, sister," cried Starfire softly, "I'm sorry I had you married to that creature! Sure you tried to get me to do that…but looking back, it really wasn't fair to you either."

"Hm, well, be glad that you did," replied Blackfire with a frown, "my sexual exploits with that giant snot-monster was quite the horror show."

"Really?" wondered Red Arrow, then asking with self-hateful curiosity, "Please go on."

Starfire was unsure, letting out, "I'm not sure I-"

"Weeeell, if you must pry," laughed out Blackfire, then saying as she swirled her finger in the martini, "Every night he would make me pleasure him in the worst ways. We'd go to bed at eight and go to sleep at three, leaving me a tired seed-covered wretch. It's not easy pleasuring eighteen different tentacle-penises at the same time…from the same guy."

"Oh…dear…" breathed out Starfire. Red Hood simply took another shot.

"Yeah, but that was MILD compared to the other stuff!" Blackfire said with a nostalgic yet disgusted laugh, "Forcing me to pleasure his Exorian Wind-Steeds and Korugarian Steppe-Hounds, and don't get me started on the Apokolipsian Doom-Behemoth OR the Thanagarian Snare-Beast! I usually never wore clothes because of that perverted splooge-factory! Ttt. Hardly had ANY time to myself. Always SOMETHING to do for and to him."

"Oh…god…" let out Red Arrow in pure utter shock. Red Hood simply took **another **shot.

"Oh, you remember those kids I had you babysit?" Blackfire calmly asked Starfire.

"Uh…yes?" released Starfire, looking away a bit. Blackfire simply let out a calm face that simply reminded her that the reason for that question was rhetorical.

Starfire looked at Blackfire in horror, shaking her head and saying, "…You…have got…to be kidding…"

"Your…children!?" shrieked Red Arrow, nearly wanting to throw up. Red Hood simply took, YOU GUESSED IT, another shot.

"Weeeell, they weren't really my children, just parasitic clones produced in a semi-asexual design he laid in me that went out the same way they…never mind," sighed Blackfire shamefully, "All I will say is that they shared his father's tastes…"

Starfire and Red Arrow looked at her in horror as Blackfire sat there awkwardly, breathing in deeply before breathing out. Red Hood slammed the glass on the bar and laughed loudly, already drunk.

"Hahaha! That is the kinkiest crap I have EVER heard!" he laughed out, unaffected by the hedonistic pep-talk, "Got any more stories from the dark side?"

"I'm currently dating Lobo," she calmly said with a smile.

"Explain!" called out Red Hood, with Starfire and Red Arrow quickly got up and decided to sit somewhere else, enough with the horrors of Blackfire's sexual exploits that would make Fanny Hill go "DAMN!"

**3:40 PM**

Stone drunk, Red Hood tripped out of the Iceberg Lounge with Starfire and Red Arrow following him out, not as drunk but pretty buzzed.

"Dude…why you do this to youself?" asked Red Arrow.

"Shaddap! Shtupid!" yelled Red Hood, getting up before instantly freezing with a look of horror on his face. He looked as white as a ghost as Starfire and Red Arrow walked up to him.

"Hey, Red, hello," called out Red Arrow, "What's goin' on?"

"Uhhhh…" let out Starfire, pointing at the direction of Red Hood's gaze. Red Arrow looked and saw the reason for Red Hood's little meltdown, looking at the cause with horror, saying with a shivered tone, "…Oh."

"And so, I simply stabbed him in the eye with a pair of chopsticks!" finished the Joker, walking down the path to the Iceberg Lounge with Harley in his shoulder, "Hahaha! Just another lesson you must learn when dealin' with the Joker, honey!"

"Oh, puddin'," giggled Harley, "You so amazin', tell me more-"

"YOU!" screamed Jason, with everyone freezing as Joker and Harley looked at him in shock. Then, the Joker sighed with annoyance, shaking his head with tire and saying with exhaust, "Oh, Bloody hell…"

"You! You! YOU CREEP!" screamed Jason as he stomped over at the Joker, "You ruined my life! Smacking me to death with a crowbar while you laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed! I wasn't laughing! I was not laughing! I WAS NOT LAUGHING!"

He then grabbed the Joker's collar as the Clown Prince simply watched with disinterest and annoyance. And so, Jason continued to yell as he sobbed violently, "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO A LITTLE…TEENAGE…BOOOOY!" He then dug his head onto his chest and fell to his knees, Red Arrow running over and picking him up, cradling Jason in his arms.

"That reminds me," groaned the Joker, walking past the two with Harley in hand, "I need to get that restraining order renewed. That kid's got issues."

"Uh…yeah…" squeaked out Harley, looking back before returning to the attention of Mr. J.

Jason sobbed as Red Arrow looked away with annoyance. "Seriously, Jason! Get OVER it. God," he sighed out in disappointment.

"Roy!" scolded Starfire, shaking her finger at him, "You should be more sympathetic to Jason and his problems!"

"Why should I!?" snapped Red Arrow, "All he does is whine, mope, and backtalk. He and I have nothing in common…as in, I don't have the same issues he has!"

As he said this, Hush and Prometheus were walking down the path as well. "So! He was all, like, put down the electro-bat!" told Prometheus loudly and obnoxiously to Hush who simply didn't give a damn, "And I was, like, screw you, pig! Hah! See what I…Oh, Bloody hell."

Prometheus stopped as he and Roy met at eye-level, with Red Arrow's left eye twitching with anger and madness. Starfire wisely backed away slowly.

**4:56 PM**

Red Arrow was driving, covered in blood, as Red Hood mumbled as he sat in the front seat, and Starfire looking out the window in the back seat.

"What should we do now?" asked Starfire.

"Let's go…see a movie," added Red Arrow with a grin.

"Capital idea, good sport!" blurted out Red Hood, then gagging a bit as he stumbled on his seat.

Roy stopped the car in front of the movie theatre, looking at the showings and asking everyone, "What do you guys wanna see?"

"Dark Skies looks interesting!" beamed out Starfire.

"Nope, cuz it's dumber…" slurred Jason Todd.

"You didn't even see it!" snapped Red Arrow.

"It looked interestering! It did! But then I heard…it was aboot…alien abductions…" he grumbled out, "and that…twists…my nipples."

"…Good point," said Roy, looking at the listings again as he kept looking, "What about…The Hobbit?"

"The Hobbit's still out!?" yelled out Red Hood with a cracked voice.

"Yeah…never saw it?" asked Red Arrow with shock.

"No…never got…der chance," slurred Red Hood with a dumb grin under his skin.

"Let's see it!" yelled out Starfire victoriously.

"YEAH!" they all proceeded to shout out, with fists raised up.

**8:32 PM**

All three walked out of the movie theatre with jolly moods with each other's arms around their shoulders, singing a very dark yet catchy tune from the movie.

"Bones will be shattered! Necks will be wrung! You'll be beaten and battered! From racks you'll be hung!" they all sang with jovial tunes, "You will lie down here and never be found! Down in the deeps of Goblin Town!"

They all laughed and laughed and laughed, suddenly, Jason Todd got an idea. An awful, brilliant idea.

"Guys…I have…an idear…" he slurred out with epiphany.

Red Arrow and Starfire looked at him with fright, then both saying at the exact same time, "Oh crap."

**9:00 PM**

It was at a large talk show stage, with a live studio audience watching as the famous Cat Grant sat on a chair facing the audience.

"Hello, and good evening," she said in her cutesy voice, "Welcome to the Cat Grant. Tonight, we are going to talk to our guest tonight. He is the ambassador of a race we hardly ever see, and when we should be suspicious of them when we aren't, we welcome them with open arms, the Reach Ambassador!"

The blue no-nosed alien ambassador walked through the curtains and waved at the applauding audience, grinning happily as he sat beside Cat Grant.

"Good evening, mister Ambassador," she greeted happily.

"Good evening to you as well, Miss Grant," he greeted back, just as happily.

"So, first question EVERY ONE wants to know is this," started off Cat, "This isn't just some convoluted way to invade us and use our females for your eggs."

"Oh, of course not!" replied the Ambassador with a wave of the hand, "Our females are almost as good to lay our eggs, and even though interspecies breeding may be inevitable in our union, we are no Glgrdsklechhh."

"Oh! That's a relief!" she laughed out, "But I am a bit disappointed, you are so handsome."

"Oh! Thank you!" laughed the Ambassador, "I'm flattered."

"Aheheh! Anyway, back to our interview," continued Cat, "I have to ask, from a political stand-point, what benefits will we have by joining the Reach and Earth?"

"Plenty!" added the Ambassador, continuing with, "With free health care, space travel, colonization of planets, and a much bigger economic waypoint, I believe that-"

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a chair flew out and hit the Ambassador square at the side of his head. He dropped onto the floor as Cat Grant watched with horror, suddenly seeing the drunk Red Hood rush out and jump on the Reach Ambassador, smashing his fists onto his face wildly over and over again.

The audience watched in horror as a violent vigilante began attacking a possibly innocent alien ambassador with insane fury, Red Hood roaring with drunken rage as security tried to pull him off, only to get fists and kicks to the crotch.

Truly, Red Hood did this for all of us.

* * *

><p><strong>Batman is Tired<strong>

Batman and Robin walked into the Bat-Cave, tired as hell. Batgirl and Catwoman followed suite just as tired. Alfred watched them enter with a tray of tuna-fish sandwiches in his hand.

"Good evening, Master Wayne," greeted Alfred, "How was your trip to France?"

"Bad!" grumbled Batman, sitting on his bat-couch, "Ra's al Ghul tried to kill me again. Ubu won't sit…and Bat-Mite has returned. How was your day without us?"

Robin, Batgirl, and Catwoman fell on the couch with Batman, tired as hell as they all began taking off their masks.

"Torture…I had nothing to do," replied Alfred with a straight face, "Might I inquire with a question?"

"Go for it…" grumbled Batman, taking off his mask and revealing the chiseling good looks of Bruce Wayne.

"Wow!" yelled out Robin, staring at Batman in shock.

"…What!?" growled out Bruce Wayne.

"…It's just…I never saw you as Bruce for so long…" let out Robin, taking off his mask and showing off Tim Drake.

Bruce looked at him with, then turning to Alfred and asking, "What was your question again?"

Alfred watched Bruce with shock, raising his eyebrows as he inspected his face. He then shook his head and said, "I am…so sorry! It's just…it's been so long since I have seen your true face."

"GET! ON WITH IT!" yelled Bruce angrily.

"Oh! Right!" murmured out Alfred, coughing violently, "I was just wondering if you want anyone specific for your Bat-Birthday?"

"Yes, I want Dick, Jason, Barbara, Clark, Gordon, and Jean-Paul," stated Batman, "Along with Huntress, Question, and Green Arrow.""What about Stephanie Brown?" asked Batgirl.

Batman quickly shushed her, "Shhhhh! Dan DiDio doesn't know she's alive here! Don't let him know!"

"Okay then," stated Alfred, "Anyone else?"

"Maybe Doctor Thompson and Two-Face if he can be nice," rambled Bruce Wayne, then snapping angrily, "But Hush, Joker, and Doctor Hurt are banned! Along with Steve Bino! Especially Steve Bino!"

"Very good sir," replied Alfred, preparing to walk away, only to glance back and look at Bruce's face, "I am…so sorry, but it's…it's been forever since I seen you, sir."

"Goodbye, Alfred," ordered Bruce sternly. Alfred bowed and walked away, leaving Bruce to sit on the couch with everyone looking at him with awe.

"…WHAT!?" he yelled out.

"Sorry, toots, but…" let out Selina Kyle, "…I've never seen this side of you before…"

Bruce groaned out and dug his face in his hands in annoyance, making note that he should stop wearing the mask so much…so this doesn't happen so much.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yeah, I think this is the first time we've seen Bruce Wayne since the second chapter. D: Wow…he's ugly!<strong>

**Anywho, I've been contemplating lately…maybe I should someday make a Red Hood and the Outlaws spinoff crackfic.**

**Do you KNOW how much fun it is to write Red Hood!? REALLY FUN! My only regret is that I have to censor it a bit. If I do this…prepare for an M-rating folks! Balls to the Walls! Haha!**

…

…**So, you think I should do it? Pfft! Why am I asking you!? It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name: <strong>Red Hood AKA Jason Todd

**Voice Actor:** Brendan Smalls (Thank Action Johnny for this.)

**Description:** He is scrawny, tall, and covered in scars. He has pale skin, spiky black hair, and a perpetual scowl. He wears a brown leather jacket, blue denim jeans, a black t-shirt, black spiked gloves, and a pair of black combat boots. He had a belt that held his gun and grenades, even though the 90s past him by. Finally, he wears a red ski mask that only shows his white eyes and the black around them.

**Likes:** Booze, Pot, Fighting, Cheeseburgers, Screwing, Broccoli, Tekken, J.R.R. Tolkien, Red Arrow and Starfire, God of War, Batman (in small doses), Shooting at criminals, and Hanging out with friends

**Dislikes:** Joker, Memories, Batman's Morals, Nightwing, and Apples


	48. Beware the Batman's Car

**The Banana Slug: So, I'm stoked with news 'bout Arkham's sequel coming out this year. But I always have that cringe at the back of my neck saying…What could go wrong? In a serious fashion.**

**Will Rocksteady's non-involvement ruin it?**

**Will not having Paul Dini on board ruin it?**

**Joker's death both ruins and opens new possibilities, what will happen?Did they really have to cop out Harley's pregnancy?**

**Is it too soon to release a new game?I dunno, you have the right to call me a worry-wart. It's my nature.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 48: Beware the Batman's Car**

* * *

><p><strong>Mr. Penguin's Electric Umbrella<strong>

Penguin waddled out of the Gotham City Football Stadium frantically after robbing the player's wives' hearts away…along with their jewels and money. He was quickly followed by the dynamic duo themselves, posing once getting through the entrance dynamically.

"Penguin! You will stop or we will hurt you!" ordered Robin.

"Wah wah wah!" squawked the Penguin, "Not on your shallow lives, Batman and Robin!" And so, he continued to waddle away swiftly as he swung his umbrella around in the air as he continued to release his silly bird-like laughter, "Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Waaaah!"

Batman and Robin both respectively shook their heads in annoyance and took off after the Gentleman of Crime, chasing him through the alleyways and busy streets as they would almost be on his tail.

Penguin stopped on a sidewalk, panting heavily with his hands on his shins and sweating violently. He looks over to see Batman and Robin jump down from nowhere and standing in front of the Penguin.

"You…are…incorrigible!" hissed the Penguin hatefully, "I will not be defeated by you moronic do-gooders!"

"What's the difference than every other day, Oswald?" growled a cocky Batman, pulling out his batarang with Robin doing the same.

"HA! Good one, Batman!" called out Robin with a wide grin. Batman grumbled in annoyance at Robin's outburst.

Penguin used this moment of distraction to throw out his umbrella at the two, with bullets speeding out the umbrella as Penguin laughed loudly as he sprayed bullets at them. Batman quickly ducked and rolled while Robin stood there completely unfazed. Robin was like a statue, looking around ins shock as the bullets sped past him.

Penguin let out a squawking laugh as he lifted his umbrella, opening it as he began floating away, chuckling at the two heroes as he flew into the air. "Wah! Wah! Wah! Look at you two! Standing around as a great criminal mastermind easily gets away! Wah! Wah! Wah!"

What the Penguin did not know was that he was floating right at some power cables, he never noticed as the criminal bird was getting closer and closer to it.

"Serves you right for trying to face me in combat! Serves you-" Penguin was suddenly interrupted by the ultimately inevitable.

Penguin squawked in pain as his umbrella was stuck in the cables, shocking him violently as steam blew out his ears and nose. His bones could be seen for brief flashes as he kicked his legs, twirling his head around wildly as he screamed in pain.

Batman and Robin, however, were standing from the sidewalk laughing at the Penguin as he screamed in utter pain from being shocked. The reason was simple, seeing fat people being shocked is just funny as hell. It is a fact, don't argue it.

Penguin then fell to the asphalt with a big slam as he laid on his face, twitching painfully as he groaned in horrible pain. Batman and Robin continued to laugh madly, pointing at Penguin as he was a charred unconscious waste.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Hoooo! Ha! That was hilarious!" laughed and teased Batman, "They should rename you into the Turkey!"

"Ha! Good one, Batman!" chuckled Robin with a larger dumber smile.

"Robin…shut up," growled Batman as he scowled. Robin looked at him with shock as Batman says, "…Why must you ruin everything."

"Batman…I…" whimpered Robin, before being silenced by Batman holding his palm at him.

"No…no more quips," he growled, "…We are done…for tonight…"

* * *

><p><strong>Batmobile Confessions V<strong>

The Batmobile sped through the city, grinding against the rails as it drove through the highway like a bat out of bat-hell.

Robin sat at the front seat, looking out the window as Batman glared at the road, driving like a maniac like he always does. Robin glanced back, then away, then back again, then deciding to actually say something to him.

"Uh…Batman…are you angry with me?" asked Robin nervously.

"In a way," he hissed darkly.

"…Is it because of my quips?" chirped out Robin, "…I don't see why you hate them so much."

"They aren't funny, Robin," growled Batman, "You don't simply say, 'Ha! Good one, Batman!', I taught you better."

"No, no you did not!" argued Robin angrily, "You taught me only to use 'Holy something something Batman!', and I am not going to do that anymore!"

"Dick used to do them all the time," pointed out Batman with a frown.

"I am not Dick!" shouted Robin, swinging his arms in the air, "I am Tim Drake! Your partner! And I have the right to choose whether or not to use your crummy jokes!"

"…Alright," said Batman calmly, "As long as you use something other than quips."

Robin was silent, looking away as he thought of something to say otherwise, but was constantly hitting a brick wall on that department.

"…Okay…I don't have ANYTHING yet!" said Robin quickly, "But I will find something. Maybe not today, or tomorrow-"

"Or next year," butted in Batman, causing him to let out a held in laugh as Robin looked at Batman with annoyance.

"You just are made of jerk, aren't you?" asked Robin seriously.

"Sometimes," sighed Batman, and the awkward silence returned as the two simply returned to what they originally were. Batman drove through the streets and Robin was sitting next to him, fiddling with his fingers.

"Batman…did you and Superman really beat up Johnny Test and his dad?" asked Robin curiously.

"Yes, we did," said Batman simply, "We used my dimensional transporter and go all the way to that universe and give Hugh Test's face a tattoo in the shape of my bat-fist, then gave Johnny Test a super boot to the face."

"…Wow…" gulped Robin with wide eyes.

"Uhuh, then the dog came in swingin' his paws at me," explained Batman, "…good thing I already placed some explosive gel on the other side of the wall waitin' for him. Didn't see it comin'."

"Wowzers," let out Robin, "…what about his sisters?"

"Darkseid was busy with them," said Batman, "from what I've heard, they didn't want to leave."

Robin looked at him blankly, then saying with a sigh, "Yeah…" He rolled his eyes as Batman glared at him, shaking his head at his ward and returned to watching the road as he drove past a local fruit stand, run by an undercover Harvey Bullock, eating a banana.

"What's he doing?" asked Robin.

"What?" growled Batman, turning to Robin.

"What's Harvey Bullock doing on that local fruit stand?" Robin asked again.

Batman looked away, driving as he thought for a while, then deciding to get answers. Suddenly, he stopped the car instantly as Robin puffed out his cheeks as he blew air out with him saved from death by his seatbelt.

"Seat-belts? Peh!" growled Batman, who was able to stay on his seat even if he doesn't wear seatbelt, because he is a seatbelt, he's Batman.

"WHAT'S GOIN' ON!?" yelled Robin angrily, seeing Batman backing up swiftly.

Batman didn't answer, parking the car in front of a local fruit stand, run by an undercover Harvey Bullock, eating a banana. Batman rolled down the windows and yelled out, "Hey! Bullock! What are you doing out here!"

"Shaddap!" barked out Bullock, "I'm undah-cuvah! Now get outta here before ya break my cuvah!"

"You can tell me, I'm Batman," said Batman with a warm smile.

"And IIIII'M Robin!" shouted the Boy Wonder, with Batman grumbling out an annoyed "Merf" and ignored Robin's outburst.

"Look, I am tryin' to gets'um info on the Black Mask's fruit ring," whispered Harvey Bullock, "So don't blow me cuvah!"

Batman and Robin looked at him in confusion, hearing the stupid confession from the detective. Batman shook his head and giggled at the explanation, saying with humorous disbelief, "Okay! That's the dumbest thing in the whole crapsacky world. Only Christian Weston Chandler could come up with something as retarded like that!"

Robin looked behind the duo, then giving a giant wide-eyed fear on his face, yanking Batman's cape like a little child. Batman turned around to see something that made him go with a dark despair of his own deduction, "Are you fucking kidding me!?"

What they saw was a local fruit stand, run by the Black Mask, eating a pomegranate. He was busy looking around to see the two vigilantes, waiting for someone to buy his fruit.

Batman looked back at Harvey Bullock, whom was sporting a really high smile that smelt of annoying smug, kinda like whenever Chris-Chan smiles.

"…Okay, you have a valid argument," said Batman, "I was just worried that you actually got dumb…er."

"Yeah, well, the fruit business is a very serious and lucrative thing, Bats," growled Harvey Bullock proudly.

"…Really?" scoffed Batman.

"Yeah," said Harvey without hesitation.

"Really?" dug Batman deeper.

"…Maybe a bit," breathed out Harvey Bullock. Batman shook his head and was followed by Robin back into the Batmobile, starting it back up as Batman sent the Batmobile back in reverse.

Bullock would hear a loud rev for some time before seeing the Batmobile rush out from nowhere and smash into the Black Mask's fruit stand, destroying it.

Roman dropped his pomegranate on the sidewalk and fell to his knees, all while looking calm. With that, he began slamming his head over and over and over against the sidewalk with extreme anger and pain. He didn't care, his fruit stand was ruined.

Bullock was happy with this turn of events, he was going to make a killing.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: The first story was based on a comic cover from the Silver Age, which had Penguin get shocked by a Telephone Wire with Batman and Robin laughing from underneath. Yeah.<strong>

**The Silver Age was awesome.**

**And Now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Nightwing AKA Dick Grayson

**Voice Actor:** Scott Menville (I may love Young Justice, but we ALL know Teen Titans came first. No arguments, folks.)

**Description:** He is tall, slender, and has the build of an acrobat. He has short spiky black hair and a small black patch under his lower lip. He wears a black padded Kevlar suit with a blue symbol of a bird. He tried red, but Robin got pissed. He also wears a domino mask that protects his identity.

**Likes:** Martial arts, Barbara Gordon, Starfire, Raven, Being with the ladies, Egg Muffins, Trolling, and Being as close as possible as Bruce Lee

**Dislikes:** Jason Todd's whining, Jason Todd's crazy antics, Indian food, Jason Todd's claim over his stuff when he doesn't, Pretty much Jason Todd's personality in a nutshell


	49. Killer Moth and Firefly I

**TheBananaSlug: I need to watch Deliverance, and Fargo, and The Big Lebowski, and…y'know what…I need to watch a lot of good movies!**

**Those movies are great! …So I'm told.**

**Anyway, I posted a new fanfiction that sounds like the best idea yet. Hellsing mixed with League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I thought that could work. I hope I'm right.**

**SPECIAL GUEST CAMEO: **_**Ben Tennyson **_**from Ben 10**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 49: Killer Moth and Firefly I**

* * *

><p><strong>Killer Moth &amp; Firefly Go To Applebee's<strong>

In a dirty apartment complex, one would see the terrifyingly pathetic Killer Moth lounge on his couch with a pillow over his head, with his leg swaying back and forth lightly as he breathed slowly. Mind you, this is not the cool moth-monster from Teen Titans. Oh no, he hasn't become cool yet.

"DADDY!" shrilled a loud voice, causing him to shriek and scamper onto the floor. His daughter is still bratty in this universe.

Said daughter bursts into the living room as Killer Moth quickly gets up. "Uh, yeah, Kitten?" he asked quickly.

"Your crazy partner is here!" she yelled at him.

"Honey, he's not crazy," consoled Killer Moth, "He's just very, very, very enthusiastic about his profession."

"Uh-huh," replied an unconvinced Kitten, "you do know that he just torched your sweaters."

"WHAT!?" shouted Killer Moth, rushing past his daughter and facing his partner, Firefly, who just finished turning Moth's closet into an exact replica of Hell.

"Garfield!" yelled Killer Moth angrily.

"Yes, Jon Arbunkle?" joked Firefly.

"Shaddap!" growled Killer Moth, pointing his finger at Firefly, "Why did you turn my closet into ash!? I was gonna have those suckers for lunch!"

"…I have no idea," said Firefly, "I just…felt it needed a bit of fire."

Kitten poked her head from the door and yelled, "Told ya!"

Killer Moth let out an angry "whoop!" and pointed his finger at his daughter, causing her to quickly disappear. Killer Moth grunted and turned back to Firefly, who began torching the coat hanger. "FIREFLY! Knock it off!" roared Killer Moth.

"…I think it's better like this," said Firefly with a whimsical tone.

"You set my coat hanger aflame, you dip!" screamed Killer Moth with his veins popping out.

"I think it's better like this," Firefly repeated. The villainous moth just shook his head and rubbed the temple of his modified Dr. Fate mask.

"Look, I don't need this right now! I haven't had ANYTHING to eat today and I am a wee bit irritable!" berated Killer Moth, "So, unless you want to keep making yourself look like a dip-shit, why not give me some ideas where we should hit today."

"…Hit?" asked Firefly curiously.

"ROB!" stated Killer Moth angrily.

"Sorry, man, I'm hungry too," grumbled Firefly, "Let's get somethin' to eat."

"Fine! Let's just rob a restaurant," snapped Killer Moth as he walked over and opened the door, "Let's go rob that Applebee's downtown. Why Applebee's? Because we gotta stick to our insect credo and robbing a Red Robin would be just sad..."

"…I agree," replied Firefly, walking out with Killer Moth saying, "but we get boneless hot wings or no deal!"

With the door slammed, Kitten peeked her head from the hallway to still see the fire blazing on the closet and the coat hanger. She groaned in annoyance and ran to get the fire extinguisher as the very insensitive fire alarm let out its annoyingly loud beeping over and over again.

"Men…"

* * *

><p>And so, the Moth mobile (a large white van with a crude spraypaint logo of a purple moth on the top of it) drove through the city with the greatly unimpressive Killer Moth drove with Firefly sitting right next to him, lighting and closing his Zippo lighter over and over again.<p>

"Will you stop doing that!?" growled Killer Moth.

"No," simply replied Firefly.

"Why did you even get that lighter anyway?" argued Killer Moth, "Don't you have like, what? Thirty-eight Zippo lighters?"

"Yeah, but this is one based on that comic book I like!" defended Firefly angrily.

"You mean the one with the preacher, the Irish vampire, John Wayne, the retarded Jesus, and the kid with the ass-face?" asked Killer Moth.

"What other, dummy!" snapped Firefly.

"Hey! I'm just making an observation, you gobshite," yelled Killer Moth, only to yelp and turn his car back after nearly rear-ended an old lady…standing in the middle of the road.

"Keep your eyes on the road," said Firefly blankly, still playing with his new lighter. Killer Moth rolled his eyes and kept driving until he heard a very horrid noise, looking to see a cop car behind them calling out its siren as the red and blue lights shined out loudly.

"Oh crap…OH CRAP!" yelled out Killer Moth angrily, slowing the car down.

"See? This is because you almost ran over that fat old lady!" Firefly called out in rage, "Now we have to deal with the coppers! I am currently wanted you know! Our heist will never flourish now that-"

"WHAT HEIST!?" screamed Killer Moth, "We're going to Applebee's to steal some fucking boneless wings and burnt burgers! That is not what can call a flippin' heist!"

"Well, compared to our robbery of that gas station, a thrift store, and that troop of girl scouts, I think this would best describe a heist than those jobs!" argued Firefly as Killer Moth parked the car at the side of the road.

"Hey! Those Girl Scouts were vicious!" Killer Moth defended in desperation, "We wouldn't have gotten away if I didn't spray them in the face with my silk gun."

"That is NOT a silk gun!" roared Firefly, "That's just some stupid NERF gun you painted that shoots out white Silly String!"

"It's not stupid, you pyromaniac!" screamed out Killer Moth. They both stopped arguing when the sound of footsteps was heard getting closer to the car after hearing the loud sound of the police car's door slamming shut.

"…It so is," whispered Firefly, trying to get the last word like any real man can try to do. And so, the officer revealed himself as he stepped up to the car, with his blue uniform, his blue cop hat, and his…brown burlap mask?

"License and registration…chicken-fucker!" hissed Scarecrow, getting up close to the window and letting out a loud, "Bawkbagawk!"

"…Scarecrow?" breathed out Killer Moth, "Is that you?"

"Obviously," hissed out Scarecrow, "so, what are you poor morose bastards doing out here? Planning on shooting more of your white stuff on some girl scouts' faces?"

"No!" corrected Killer Moth angrily, "We're gonna rob a bank!" Firefly looked at Killer Moth in confusion, not knowing Drury was lying.

"Really?" replied an intrigued Scarecrow, "I never knew you'd take a chance, Drury. That's really-"

"No, we're robbing an Applebee's," corrected Firefly slowly. Killer Moth glared at him, then hissing out, "Shut up, Garfield."

"Pfft. An Applebee's?" scoffed Scarecrow, "When I started out, I was giving orphanages my gas, not jacking it in Applebee's. Pathetic."

"Hey, we're not **crazy wackjobs** like you, Crane!" snapped Killer Moth.

"I am," added Firefly, with Killer Moth angrily shouting at his face, "KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!"

Scarecrow laughed again and said, "Alright, I won't keep your romantic date to Applebee's anymore. If you can, try to steal me a Triple Chocolate Meltdown."

As he walked back to his car, Killer Moth shouted out, "Oh we will! But not for YOU! For me!"

"What about me?" questioned an offended Firefly.

"You get nothing for opening that FAT MOUTH'A yours!" screamed Killer Moth.

"Stop yelling at me!" called out Firefly as he clutched his ears, "Penguin never yelled at me when I worked with."

"Penguins **squawked **at you, you fire-loving weirdo!" Killer Moth continued to argue as Scarecrow drove away calmly, out to terrorize more drivers.

"At least he didn't YELL at me!" sobbed Firefly.

* * *

><p>Later that day, Killer Moth would have to stop at a gas station to refuel the Mothmobile. Killer Moth grimaced and glared in anger, with Firefly was leaning against the van in shame.<p>

"Look, I was gonna tell ya, but I forgot," sighed a bashful Firefly, "I was meaning to tell ya about sooner or later, Drury."

"Whatever," growled Killer Moth, still fueling up the van.

"Hey, I said I was sorry," whined Firefly.

"Oh, you're sorry, eh?" hissed Killer Moth in rage, "You're sorry for stealing nearly ALL my gas so that you could burn down a zoo? Burn down a zoo? Really?"

"…I hated that zoo," pointed out Firefly half-heartedly.

"And the pier?" Killer Moth kept going.

"…Yeah…" sighed Firefly, then blurting out, "look, I'll make it up to you. Next place we rob **will **be a bank."

"Alright, alright," breathed out a clearly annoyed Drury Walker, "just pay for the gas and we'll be squarsies."

"No betcha!" laughed out Firefly, giving him a thumbs-up and walking inside of the gas station as Killer Moth sighed and sat in the driver's seat, leaning back and taking a bit of a nap.

**LATER THAT DAY**

When he awoke, Firefly slammed the door shut, yelling, "PORKCHOP SANDWICHES! GO! GO! WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? GO! GO! YOU STUPID IDIOT!"

Killer Moth looked at him in confusion, noticing a great yellow blur behind him as he looked and saw the gas station blazing and on fire.

Killer Moth's only reaction was a frightened, "Ba bababa ba ba baababa!" He started the car, driving insanely away from it as he sped through the highway.

As he drove, Killer Moth breathed angrily then yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?"

"…I burned the place," stated Firefly obviously.

"Yeah! No duh!" snapped Killer Moth, "Why the holy hell would you do that!?"

"After all these years…you should be expecting this crap from me...**all the time**!" argued Firefly, waving his arms around for dramatic effect.

Killer Moth groaned in misery and slammed his head on the wheel, with Firefly saying out loud, "My god, did that smell good."

* * *

><p>As they drove, Killer Moth didn't say a word as Firefly kept playing with the lighter over and over again. Firefly looked over at his partner, who was visibally angry even under his gold mask.<p>

"Come on, Drury," whined Firefly as he kept playing with his Zippo lighter, "will you say _something_? I know you might be a little peeved about that gas station? Look, it's not a big deal, so stop-" Suddenly, Killer Moth grabbed his lighter and threw it over his window and continued to drive. Firefly looked at him in shock, looking back at the road and back at him.

"…I might have deserved that…" he said, trying not to cry, "…but Jesse Custer won't approve."

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, some brown-haired teenager jumped in front of the van, waving his hands with a wide smile. "SHIT!" screamed out Killer Moth, slamming on the brakes as it stopped right in front of the kid.

The teenager ran to the van and asked Killer Moth, "Are you guys heading to Applebee's?"

Killer Moth could've lied or yelled at the kid for jumping in front of him, but all he could say is a wide-eyed, "…Yes?"

"Good," he sighed, "I need a ride over, I am meeting my ex there." Without even asking, he ran to the back and climbed in, sitting between the two as Firefly and Killer Moth looked at him in shock.

"Um…'kay…" let out Killer Moth, driving again as the teenager sat there, with his green jacket, black t-shirt, and blue jeans, but most importantly, his strange green watch that looks alien. Firefly noticed this and put two-and-two together.

"Hey…you're Ben Tennyson, aren't you?" announced Firefly.

"Yes I am," answered Ben, "and who are you two guys?"

"I'm the dreaded Killer Moth!" he announced proudly, "And this is Firefly, my partner in crime."

"I had to twist his arm so many times to **not **call me his sidekick," added Firefly quickly.

Ben nodded, not really listening as he reached into his coat-pocket and pulled out a bag filled with white powder and a straw.

Killer Moth looked to see Ben Tennyson open the bag and stick the straw into the white powder. "Is…is that coke?" he asked him.

"Nah…it's heroin," corrected Ben, sniffing through the straw, pulling his head back and growling out in ecstasy, snarling out, "Rrrrrguh! I'mma tiger warlock, bitch!"

He wooted and shook his head in his high, with Firefly and Killer Moth both disturbed by the real Ben 10's personality.

"Jeez, never knew you do…drugs," let out Firefly.

"I don't see why not," replied Ben 10, "I follow the philosophy of Bill Hicks, with drugs being good and helps open the Third Eye. Sure I have aliens that do the same, but not like this, man." Ben 10 continued with a pseudo-philosophical speech, "When you're high on pot and coke, you see the world in colors you never knew existed. Not Ultraviolet or Infrared, but things you can't even know about…like, a conspiracy or somethin'."

He leaned back and followed up with, "Also, sex is ten times as better. Whenever you slam into your piece of ass while high off your balls…due to shooting heroin **in** your balls…it feels like you're shooting out a river of splooge." He stopped and thought aloud, "Or was it because I was Humungousaur at the time? I dunno, I don't give a shit."

Killer Moth was speechless, along with Firefly. They couldn't think of anything to say, but Killer Moth said to him with a nervous, "Uh…so…you meeting your ex at Applebee's?"

"Yeah, her name's Julie," replied Ben Tennyson with his eyes crossed, "we broke up a few episodes ago, but that doesn't stop me from going over and tappin' that ass over and over again."

"Hmph, wished it was the same with **my** ex," grumbled Killer Moth in discomfort.

"Wasn't your ex a prostitute?" asked Firefly.

"THANK YOU!" snapped Killer Moth, "For constantly reminding me, you fire-loving sod!"

"Enough about you, this is about me," stated out Ben out loud, "…where was I? Oh yeah, my ex, Julie. One may not know it from looking at it, but she was a fre-he-he-heak! Damn! The things we did was almost illegal, man! She was more of a freak than my cousin, and she-"

"Stop before I puke," said Killer Moth in agitation. He shook his head as Ben looked at them with a big smile, Firefly slouching in his seat.

"But yeah, we broke up…I don't remember why, I was too high to care at the time," added Ben 10, "but she's off blowin' this ascot-wearing blow-off. Pisses me off, but hey, if she wants to go down on a metrosexual, let her…fuckin' bitch…"

He shook his head in unison with Killer Moth. Firefly then asked Ben, "So, is she cheating on him or…"

"Ah yeah," he said to him with a grin, "The guy'll barely touch her, something about purity or serenity or some hippie christian bull that modern dick-bags are believing in. Girl's got needs only Ben 10 can fulfill, just gotta figure out what alien to use it for. But hey, at least she makes her feel emotionally good or whatever the hell **that **means."

Killer Moth groaned at hearing the high Ben Tennyson talk about sex, drugs, and purity, sighing and hoping this day won't get any worse…

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE, IN THE BAT-CAVE<strong>

Batman sat in front of his computer, playing his new **StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm** game as Robin stood behind him with a jealous scowl.

"…I wanna play," murmured Robin miserably.

"…Go buy it," said Batman clearly.

"But you already did!" argued Robin angrily.

"Yeah…for myself." growled Batman, "You got money, go buy it."

"I don't have money!" shouted Robin as he stamped his feet, "You didn't give me my allowance for at least a month!"

"I'll give it to you tomorrow," sighed Batman, trying to invest his energy in playing his game.

"You always say that when I ask, but you NEVER do it!" yelled Robin, swinging his arms around as Batman began ignoring the Boy Wonder. Robin looked over at the Bat-Phone, grabbing it and answering it.

"Hello Commissioner…No, Batman is busy," answered Robin, "…What? Killer Moth and Firefly? …Another one? Alright. We're on it." He ended the call and walked over to Batman, sending a wave of Zergs at the Terrans.

"What I hear about Killer Moth?" chuckled Batman, "Did he fail at stealing candy from a baby again? Oh, wait, he and Firefly almost got their asses handed to by girl scouts again! Haha! Only to be saved by Killer Moth's white goop hitting their faces! Bwahahaha!"

"Firefly torched another gas station," Robin corrected morosely.

Batman didn't say a word for some time, then saying, "Thanks for ruining the mood, Robin."

"The survivor said something about them going to…Applebee's?" he continued, confused by that statement himself.

Batman ended his game, sliding his chair back and standing up in a dramatic pose. He then turned to his ward, glaring at him with a deep scowl and said, "…Superhero time…"

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: BANGARANG! Batman is on yer tail, along with his ward, Robin, stopping your white-stuff shooting days!<strong>

**Anyway, I always wondered why no one tried to adapt Kitten in a comic or in another animated series. She's a very interesting character in my book, and she adds a bit of depth to Killer Moth!**

**Anyway, soon it will be the 50****th**** Chapter, and even though I was thoroughly pissed off by the last, I had some good memes that would fit in certain situations. So…yeah, time to suffer again.**

**And Now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Killer Moth AKA Drury Walker AKA Cameron Vann Cleer

**Voice Actor:** Jamie Kennedy (When he's not in movies, that's when I can tolerate him.)

**Description:** A scrawny figure that is tall and lanky, wearing an outfit with the top purple with his large cuffed orange gloves over his hands. On the chest is an orange moth symbol created by paint and on his back are orange papier-mâché moth wings. He also wears yellow leg wear with a large yellow utility belt with orange stripes on his legs that end in large orange galoshes. Finally, he wears a modified Doctor Fate Halloween mask with springy antennas on them. He didn't turn into a moth monster yet.

**Likes:** Being an awesome villain, Fighting the justice system, Moths, Bright Lights, Eating sweaters, His daughter, and Here is where he'd put his super villain groupies…IF HE HAD SOME!

**Dislikes:** Batman, Firefly burning his stuff, Being reminded of how much of a loser he is, Glass walls, Other villains, Failed jobs, and Butterflies (he especially hates butterflies, thinks they're prissy and lording.)


	50. More BatMemes

**TheBananaSlug: Well, we did it. Fifty chapters. And to commemerate this magnus opus, we have more memes for you.**

**I think I got a good one for you, it includes Batman beating up Joker epically, The reveal of Scarecrow's face, Mr. Freeze raping someone, the introduction of Solomon Grundy, and…**

…**SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS!**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 50: More BatMemes!**

* * *

><p><strong>1. Scarecrow's Wild Ride<strong>

Batman and Robin were in a real pickle this time, strapped together on a dreadful ride of evil. The pink and green car that currently rests in a rotted wood track, hidden a small building of broken wood and peeling paint, with a double-door that was painted like a swirling red vortex in front of the two. Standing before them, laughing madly, was the dreaded Scarecrow, holding his scythe menacingly as the two heroes scowled at the madman.

"You fell for my trap!" laughed Scarecrow evilly, "You should never trust cops with burlap masks on! And now, you shall both pay! WITH YOUR SANITY!"

"Look at me," grumbled Batman, "I'm already mad."

"But not mad enough, Batman," hissed Scarecrow, twirling his scythe around, "and your boy-toy will be a prisoner of insanity with you. And it will NEVER END!"

"Drop the ham!" shouted Robin, with Scarecrow laughing at him with a ham sandwich in hand.

"Not today, Boy Wonder," hissed Scarecrow, leaning over to his right and grabbing a lever, yanking it roughly down as Batman and Robin's car started and went down the tracks slowly with the sound of grinding gears nauseatingly heard over and over again.

The two watched to see the doors open, and the beginning of a long long ride...

Batman and Robin began hearing an extremely catchy song continuously play the same thing about spooky scary skeletons and how creepy they are, at the same time they would see endless skeletons posing with top hats, frozen and staring at the two with glowing red eyes.

"Batman…when will this ride end?" whimpered Robin.

Batman frowned and said, "…I don't know…"

"It will never end!" hissed Scarecrow's voice over the PA, "This is Mr. Bones' Wild Ride! And you will never leave the ride! Ever! EVER!"

As Scarecrow's laughter echoed through the ride, Robin began to sob wildly as Batman tried his best to keep his composure.

"I want to get off Mr. Bones' Wild Ride!" whined Robin in pure agony, knowing this was going to be a long eternity…

* * *

><p><strong>2. Batgirl wants some facts<strong>

Some time before this, Batgirl was in the Batcave playing with her dolls as Batman was on his computer playing **WarCraft III: The Frozen Throne**, because the classics rock. She looks at the dolls with curiosity, then turning to Batman and asking him a very simple yet very needing question.

"…Batman…How is babby formed?" she asked him, "How is babby formed? How girl get pragnent?"

Batman sighed and paused the game, turning to her with a frown and answering to her morosely, "They need to do way instain mother…" He sported a mortified face and continued on, "Who kill thier babbys…becuse these babby cant frigth back?"

He got up and said, "It was on the news this mroing a mother in ar who had killed her three kids. They are taking the three babby back to new york too lady to rest."

Batman walked over to Batgirl and placed his hands on her shoulder in comfort, "My pary are with the father who lost his children. I am truly sorry for their lots."

Batgirl couldn't say anything, she just looked at him in shock and fear, quivering at his reaction as if he was acting like a different person. Little did she know it was that one Bat-Robot from that one episode of the Animated Series. You know the one I mean.

* * *

><p><strong>3. Taste Rainbow Creature<strong>

Alfred walked down the Batcave stairs, holding a tray with a hookah and a waffle laying on said silver plate. When Alfred reaches the end of the staircase, he looked to see the cage holding Skittles the Rainbow Creature was now open, with Skittles nowhere to be seen!

He turns calmly and looks over to see Batman and his sidekicks behind some crates in the corner of the room. "Sir, may I be so bold to ask why you three are behind that-"

Batman lurched up and yelled, "ALFRED! LOOKOUT!"

Alfred turned to the left when a great shadow came over him, looking to see Skittles lurching over the butler with a slobbering growl. Skittles shoots a omnicolored beam with all of the colors of the rainbow, hitting him with a power of a thousand fingers filled with static electricity. Alfred screamed in terror and pain as Skittles said the only thing he will ever say that is English.

"TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER!"

* * *

><p><strong>4. Double Rainbow Creature<strong>

They all watched as Alfred was hit by the Rainbow, convulsing and floating over the floor as he would switch from red and green and blue and yellow and that other color they said vampires can see in Twilight (Bullshit? Not sure if it is.). The three all watched in horror, all except for Robin, who was smiling in wonder and joy as he soon breathed out…

"…Whoa, that's a full rainbow…Double Rainbow, all the way…Double Rainbow, oh my god…"

Batman and Batgirl looked at him in disbelief as he kept watching Alfred in the air, lifted by the rays as he screamed in agony. Alfred's eyes turned glowing red, shining out as a stream of yellow light shoots out of his mouth that soon turned blue.

Robin, however, began crying as he kept yelling out, "Whohohohoa! OH MY EYE! Oh my god! Double Rainbow! OOOOH MY EEEEYE! Double Rainbow, all the way home!"

"Robin! Knock it off!" snapped Batman, "He's murdering Alfred!"

"Startin' to look like a Triple Rainbow!" squeaked Robin, who then began to sob out of the beauty of it all.

"…Are you high?" questioned Batgirl, channeling all of us.

* * *

><p><strong>5. Professor Pyg-Chan<strong>

In a dirty room, Professor Pyg sat at a chair, wearing adult diapers and a clay medallion shaped and made into the face of one of his Dollotrons. He began stuffing his face with handfulls of Fritos, looking over at a pickle on the table, grimacing and throwing it on the floor in disgusted hate.

"Stupid Batman…" he gurgled out, "…sending Pyggy pickles. Pyggy is straight, so he HATES pickles! I will make him eat his own underwear."

He leans down against his chair, holding a Dollotron wearing pink lingerie as it sits on his lap and rubs his fat greasy chest, hissing out, "Laugh now, all you want, Mr. Batman. Because you have no money…and I'll tell you what…I have your mugshot." He holds at a picture of Batman kissing at the camera, causing Pyg to laugh, "Hahaha! I scoff at you!"

He looked down and began drawing on his comic about his Dollotrons, portraying Batman as some weird round-headed monster, with a muscular version of Professor Pyg beating him up as sexy Dollotrons cozied up next to him.

"You do not wanna get on Pyggy's bad side again," he hissed, "…Pyggy has fangs. Bad fangs. To bite with."

He looked into the bowl of Fritos, seeing it empty. "Julie!" he screamed out, "JULIIIIEEEE! I need Pizza Snacks! Batpickle stole them again!"

He watched as the Dollotron got up from his lap, walking over to the table and gave him a plate full of Pizza Snacks like the diminutive sex-slave Pyg wants, placing them on the table with a soda with a oversized straw poking out of it.

Pyg sighed and began looking through the internet on his computer, sucking on his oversized straw and finishing his drink in just a few seconds.

Suddenly, the door opens to reveal Simon Hurt, holding an axe and sporting a grimace on his face. "Get away from the internet! I'm cutting it down!"

"Wuh!? Why!?" squealed Pyg.

"Shut that goddamn thing off!" yelled Simon, slamming his axe on the floor and yelling, "Because of Batman, he has a full view of our complex, because of you! Because you put that stuff on the internets!"

He then smacked the back of Pyg's head and said, "I don't care what you do, you get all that off of his computer. Tonight!"

Pyg grumbled shamefully and said, "I'm working on it."

"Go work on it!" snapped Simon, "Do you realize something, lemme tell you. That if the GCPD sees those videos, that you put up. We will have to relocate to Hub City, and our plans to ruin Batman will be for not."

He then shook his finger at him and said, "Now…you go get that stuff off goddamn fast."

"I'm workin' on it!" squealed Pyg, "I'm workin' on it!" He then got up and followed Simon as he made his way to the door, "It's out of my control!"

"No, get them off, Pyg!" growled Simon as he walked to the door.

"It's out of my control! I don't know where to go!" whined the Professor.

"You uploaded them, you unload them," scolded Simon, opening the door and shaking his finger, "I will be back to steal your Pizza Snacks."

"I'm working on it!" repeated Pyg.

"I'll be on you all night if I have to!" growled Hurt as he walked out, "What you did was stick a knife in our backs and kill us!" The door slammed as Pyg stood in his filth, obviously angry as he shook his fists.

"NNNNRGH!" he growled out in anger and hatred, "I will strangle that Batman!"

* * *

><p><strong>6. Scarecrow's Wild Ride (STAHP)<strong>

The eldritch ride Scarecrow created for Batman and Robin continued with the same song and the same dancing skeletons constantly apparent, it was like it would never end. Its slow pace, its stupid ramps, and its stupid turns over and over and over again that did nothing but create a large block of turns for the ride and just to ruin the ride for the vigilante heroes.

Robin began hyperventilating as Batman sat there, trying to be as stoic as possible, shaking wildly as his mind began to crack wide open for all to see. Robin was not as strong, who gripped the bars of the ride and swinging his head forward and back before finally snapping.

Robin began to scream loudly and shrilly, flailing his arms around like a frightened muppet in his young madness. He began struggling in his seat like a trapped fox as Batman looked at him with a blank and ravaged stare.

"Robin…what are you doing?" groaned Batman.

Robin only replied with mad gibberish as he began beating his own head on the edge of the seat, grinding his teeth and rolling his eyes around.

"Robin!" Batman groaned louder.

Robin then released a bloodcurdling scream that did its best to drown the music but was not at all effective, where Batman then requested in his slowly growing madness…

"…STAHP…"

* * *

><p><strong>7. GOOSH GOOSH<strong>

In a large restaurant freezer, Riddler was pushed around with Black Mask and Joker behind him, chuckling darkly as Riddler would slide on the slippery floor with the visible breath from the great coldness of the freezer.

"Okay! What the hell do you guys want!?" whimpered Riddler, his arm visibly broken.

"We're here to finish what you started, Eddie," hissed the Joker.

"Started?" let out Riddler.

"Yeah…Mr. Freeze promised us a show," growled Black Mask sadistically.

"Mister…Freeze?" breathed out Riddler, backing away slowly before fatefully colliding with a tall gaunt and metal figure. Riddler whimpered and looked behind him to see Mr. Freeze towering over him with his wife right next to him in her tube connected to the cold freezer wall.

"…Nygma," he growled out, looking down and rubbing the glass over his chin, "This is…very good."

"Good? What do you want, Victor!?" screamed out Riddler, looking over at his wife, still floating around in her plastic underwear.

"…My wife…really wants…that fantasy of hers," breathed out Mr. Freeze. Riddler froze up metaphorically, looking at his wife and was certain he saw the faintest of smirks…

…

What happened cannot be explained in a fanfic at this rating, but all I can say is that Riddler was in pain, and Mr. Freeze gave him that pain, all while crying out the same warcry.

"_**Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh!**_"

Blood began to seep from Riddler onto the marble floor, as he kept screaming and groaning in great undeniable pain. He releases blood-curdling screams as he held onto the table for dear life, all with Freeze continuing with…

"**_Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh!_**"

From the other side of the room, Black Mask, Joker, and Mr. Freeze's wife watched as they just stood there, or in Nora's case, floated. Joker sported a mad grin, while Black Mask watched with a constant grimace as it seemed that Riddler's life has been expectantly spent.

"_**Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh! Goosh goosh goosh goosh goosh gooshgooshgooshgooshgoosh!**_"

Finally, Mr. Freeze clenched deeply, then breaths out in great relaxed bliss, all as that 'coolant' splashes into the corpse of the Riddler.

The Riddler's body fell on the floor, covered in blood as it created a great puddle around the ravaged corpse. Don't worry, this is based on a comic book, he'll be back. This isn't that crappy Ultimates shit Marvel's been trying to shove down our throats. Seriously, Marvel.

* * *

><p><strong>8. Poison Ivy's Boobs<strong>

_Now to break that horrifying experience, Poison Ivy would love to share something with you._

Poison Ivy then sits down in front of all of you on her gigantic man-eating flower, sighing proudly and says with an arrogant posture, "Hey girls, did you know, um…" She then presses her hands on her breasts and says, "Your boobs? Go inside your shirt."

Harley walked past her with a coffee mug, wearing a red bathrobe and looking especially drained, saying with her saggy eyes looking at Ivy, "Sis…you are the LEAST qualified to talk about that."

Poison Ivy looked at her with distaste, then looks at her own "Eve-styled" outfit and sighed in agreement.

"It was a stupid meme anyway…we all know they belong to Batman…"

* * *

><p><strong>9. Epic Bat Man<strong>

Joker stands in the middle of an intercity bus, holding a long-barreled gun, laughing madly as he says to all the frightened passengers forced in their seats, "Now! Here is what is going to happen, yolks. You are all going to give me all your money…and then I will kill you! Nyeheheheh!"

The crowd looked at him in horror, children cried and old ladies prayed to God for saving. Joker pointed his gun at them all as they refused, knowing they would as he got ready to shoot them on by one...

"Hey, how much for a spit-shine, Joker."

He darted his head back violently and saw Batman look at him with a grimace from the end of the bus. "What?" growled out Joker.

"How much you charge me for my Stacy Adams, Mr. J?" growled Batman with a slight smirk.

"You better get outta my face, Batman," hissed Joker, even though Batman was nowhere near it.

"Why you gettin' hostile, brutha?" teased Batman, with the crowd laughing at Joker, causing the Clown Prince to frown deeply.

"I'll put up your ass, Batman!" growled the Joker angrily.

"You ain't scarin' this white boy, Joker," laughed Batman, turning around and saying, "I see tough guys like you I slap the shit out of."

Joker growled and grabbed his knife, running at Batman full-speed, only for the Dark Knight to turn around and swipe his cape in his face, following with an epic beat down as he slammed fist after fist onto Joker's face and stomach and chest.

Joker cried out with every slam of the fist, bruising and bleeding from the punches as he flailed around like a ragdoll. He was given mercy when the Batman threw an uppercut from underneath and sent the Joker flying to the floor.

The crowd cheered as Joker crawled to the back of the bus, clutching his stomach and crying in pain. Batman then yelled out, "Don't feck with me Joker…" He then turns and walks out of the bus, with the enamored people clapping at his leaving.

Joker sobbed and wiped his eyes, still leaking blood. He pulled out his cellphone, calling his girlfriend saying, "Harley…bring the men…and M&M's…and Eminem…and amberlance…"

"A whats?" would be his reply.

* * *

><p><strong>10. Batman Evaluates the Situation<strong>

Batman sat on his computer chair in the large moist Bat-Cave, holding his Batman glass with milk with Catwoman, Robin, and Batgirl sitting next to him. He began thinking about him beating up the Joker just a few hours ago, then of the gang he sent out at him that eventually added Black Mask's, Penguin's, Killer Croc and Hush. The hero sighed and shook his head, saying, "Boy…that escalated quickly."

He nodded and said, "That fight with Joker's gang, I mean that really got out of hand."

"It jumped up a notch," added Catwoman.

"It did, didn't it?" laughed Batman.

"Yeah I stabbed a guy in the heart," giggled Batgirl.

"Haha! I saw that, Cassandra killed a guy!" laughed Batman, pointing at her.

"With a trident, right?" questioned Robin.

"Yeah, there was Joker's gang, Black Mask's gang, and I killed Hush with a trident," Batgirl evaluated more.

"Cass I was meaning to talk to you 'bout that," Batman sighed, placing his mug down, "You may want to lay low for a while, because you are probably wanted for murder."

Batgirl only could reply by nibbling on the chair of the Batman, nervously yet innocently looking around.

* * *

><p><strong>11. Scarecrow's Handsome Face<strong>

Scarecrow stood in the middle of the street, sighing in misery as he untied the noose around his mask as people walked through the sidewalk ignoring him, letting it drop as his mask hung there incredibly loose. With a great moan of horror, he grabbed it and swiftly removed his burlap mask.

As he was removing it, Harley, Poison Ivy, and Catwoman were walking down the sidewalk with shopping bags in hand, talking about Riddler's freak death. They stopped and gasped when they saw something incredibly beautiful, looking at Scarecrow's face as he let the mask drop on the asphalt.

He had such clear skin, smooth as a baby's bottom and sported such lovely cheekbones. His lips would pout slightly, showing a bit of his white teeth from under them and his short yet perfect chin stood under his frown.

The three squealed in loving lust as they looked at his perfect bishonen face, with his spiky brown hair laid flat against his head as it quivered against the blowing wind. Crane's eyes were closed tightly before slowly opening, revealing his beautiful blue eyes as the sad little Scarecrow finds the three as they jumped out to him, grabbing him and hugging him as they began crying in ecstasy.

"Oh Scarecrow! You are so beautiful! You have the face of an angel!" screamed Catwoman.

"You and Mistah J need ta get tagethah!" sighed Harley happily, "…both of ya…doin' it…_priceless_…"

"Oh Crane…make me your Eve! Be me Adam!" moaned out Poison Ivy.

As they smiled and cuddled with the Scarecrow, they didn't realize that Scarecrow wanted to die…for he watched the latest Fairly Oddparents special, revealing the Return of the Scrappy.

And as a sea of women rushed to him, no doubt stomping all over him and ending his life…he knew for some time, with the Second Coming of the Scrappy…

…The End…has Begun…

* * *

><p><strong>12. Solomon Grundy's Opinion<strong>

Batgirl whimpered as she found herself lost in the rotting mushroom-filled swamp, looking around with a speck of hope to find Batman and Robin, but until then, she was lost…in Suicide Swamp.

She began to hear a deep guttural moan, then hearing the loud stomping and sloshing of swamp water as a great evil began making its presence known.

She looked out in the swamp and saw a large figure in the mist, moving closer and closer to her as the moaning didn't stop. Batgirl shivered as the zombie named Solomon Grundy stomped through the marsh-water before stopping, towering over her and glaring down at her with those dead zombie eyes.

"…What…do you want?" she asked him. Grundy didn't say a word, he just snarled and clenched his fist.

Finally, he said only three words to her…

"I like turtles…"

She looked at him in shock and confusion, with Grundy staring gleefully at her with a dumb smile. Batgirl, in he only response to such a situation, nervously puts her thumbs up and said, "Alriiiight, you're a great…zombie…"

* * *

><p><strong>13. Croc 2<strong>

Nightwing wandered throughout the sewers of Gotham City, looking with a flashlight as he seemed more bored than scared. The constant stench of crap, piss, and semen was everywhere as his tight black booties would turn to a sickly brown with a hint of green and with one of his shins forced to sport a piece of corn glued to said shin.

"Forced into this stupid plethora of memes," he murmured to himself in misery, "thanks a lot, Jason Todd."

Hoping to find his meme and get the hell out of this shit-hole, he darts his flashlight to a corner, forced to see in horror the sight that grown men weep at, Killer Croc eating a dead woman that has no name nor any real background, with blood everywhere as he chewed on the meat as the poo-water around him turns into a dark red horror.

"God…He's eating her…" he breathed out in fear, "And then he's gonna eat me!"

Killer Croc ignored him, not interested in eating Nightwing since the girl tasted better, but Nightwing was too stupid by the meme's wicked power to care at the moment.

"OH MY GAAAAAWWWD!" he cried out, with Killer Croc simply walking away, done with memes for today.

* * *

><p><strong>14. Batman Sez<strong>

_Here is a message from Batman, folks._

Batman walked to you, wherever you are, and said with a calm voice, "Kids, there's nothing more good than being hugged by someone you like…" His tone shifts into a raspy growl, "But if someone touches you in a place or in a way that makes you uncomfortable, that's no good."

"It's your body, nobody has the right to touch you in a place you don't want them to," added Batman, "First, you flap your cape at their face, then you place a flurry of fists on them, then you give them a crazy uppercut up the chin, then you get outta there."

_Uh, Batman, that's not right._

"Shut up, you useless writer!" snapped Batman, "If Batman can do it, so can the children! I am a role model! Who are you!? NOBODY!"

* * *

><p><strong>15. I'm Enjoying a Treat, Hush! (SPECIAL GUEST CAMEO: Muscle Man from <strong>_**Regular Show**_**)**

It was a hot sunny day, with Penguin sitting on his lounge chair outside of his mansion near his pool filled with beautiful half-naked women, eating a large bowl of fish sticks one by one as he grinned in peace in his black speedo. Yes, you will picture Penguin, fat and flabby with the palest skin, wearing only a small black banana hammock with his huge bulge seen from inside the tiny swimwear.

Suddenly, a dark cloud approached in the shape of Hush, who walked over to him with his arms flopping around carelessly with the Penguin glaring at Hush with distaste and irritation just by his presence. As soon as Hush reached Penguin, Thomas would flop on the grass and begin curling up in a ball and smiled at Oswald.

"Hey Penguin!" he shouted out.

"What do you want Elliot!" growled Penguin.

"I look like a hush-puppy," giggled Hush, "Hey, Hey Penguin! Don't I look like a hush-puppy? Get it? Hush? Puppy? Hush-Puppy?"

"ELLIOT!" screamed Penguin angrily, "I'm enjoying a treat, ELLIOT!"

"Can…can you share?" let out Hush. Penguin ignored him and took a bite out of his treat, hurming in rage.

"Hey, Penguin!" he called out again, "Don't I look like a mummy?"

"ELLIOT!" screamed Penguin, with Hush laughing innocently, "NOT RIGHT NOW!"

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Muscle Man from Regular Show showed up at the end of the backyard and asked loudly with his nasally gruff tone, "What are you guys doin'?"

Penguin then pulled out his umbrella from the side of his lounge chair, nonchalantly shooting Muscle Man in the stomach. Muscle Man groaned as he clutched his stomach, falling onto his knees as he breathed out in pain with blood seeping from between his fingers, his eyes wide and his chin dribbling with spit and human bean-juice.

"Hey, Panguin!" called out Hush with a wide grin.

"ELLIOT! I'm enjoying a treat, dammit!" he screamed, getting up and waddling around angrily, continuously screaming, "I'm enjoying a treat, Elliot!"

Hush frowned and growled out, "FINE!" He then got up and ran away, falling on a skateboard and down into the pool of cranberry juice. Did I forget to mention the pool was filled with Cranberry Juice? Sorry, it was, and the half-naked women? Who cares. They bored the snot out of me.

* * *

><p><strong>16. Scarecrow's Wild Ride (ROBIN AFTER INSANITY)<strong>

As the ride continued, with Batman and Robin slouching on their chairs, looking down the endless unknown track in utter hopelessness and misery, Robin groans sadly, shaking his head with his eyeballs covered in that salty water one calls tears.

"I…Batman?" Robin whimpered out, "I feel funny…is this real life?"

"Yeah…" grumbled Batman miserably.

"…Okay…I have two fingers," moaned Robin with tears in his eyes, "…I have four fingers…" He then tried to put his finger in his mouth, no reason was needed.

"Nuh-uh-uh-uh!" stopped Batman, even though it was pointless to do so, "Don't do it, don't you leave me!"

"…I can't see anything," sobbed Robin.

"Yes you can," corrected Batman, who then watched Robin try to get up from his seat, with Batman scolding quickly and extending his hand out to his sidekick, "Stay in your seat! Please."

With that, Robin let out a deep growl, then he screamed at the top of his lungs. Then falling back to his seat and sighing out in defeat, "…I don't feel tired…"

"Neither do I," grumbled Batman sadly.

"…You have four eyes," moaned Robin, who then sobbed lightly, "Why is this happening to me?"

Batman tried not to cry as Robin looked at him, asking sincerely, "Is this forever?" Batman shuts his eyes and cries ever so subtly, bobbing his head in sadness as it seemed the ride would never end for the two heroes.

And as if Alan Moore heard their mental cries to the cosmos and into the world of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the ride stopped with the two looking around in shock. The two see that the ride stopped at a cramped wooden room, filled with bricks and gardening tools as a skeleton holds a sign in front of the door, with the words, "Have a nice day" written on the sign it hold.

"What's going on!?" screamed Robin, "Are we the dead?"

"No! The ride stopped!" laughed Batman joyfully, with the restraints flying up to free them from damnation. The Dynamic Duo laughed and hugged each other, getting off the ride with an embracing leap and facing a door out of this place.

"Come on, Robin!" announced Batman, overly joyous of being free, "Let's beat up Scarecrow!"

"Yeah!" Robin giggled madly, with the two kicking the door and finding…a long walkway between two chained walls that seemed to stretch on forever.

Robin and his partner looked at the walkway with despair and sadness returning to the two beloved characters, with the Boy Wonder looking at Batman nervously and asking again, "…Is this forever?"

* * *

><p><strong>17. Croc's Jimmies<strong>

Killer Croc waited outside of the bakery, looking at the meat pie being made by the kindly old baker happily, slobbering from his jaw madly and profusely. He waited for this work of culinary art to finish, ready to buy it just when it was complete. His smile was wide and large and shining, and when he saw the pie placed on the table he went over to the door and pushed an old lady off her stroller and, bashing through the wooden door like an angry behemoth.

He waltzed into the room, looking at the meat pie happily as the kindly old baker looked at Croc with crap in his pants. He even gave out a childish little sigh as he ran to it with a huge growl, adding more crap in the baker's trousers. Killer Croc reached out for it, ready to take it and eat it for his leisure…

…But suddenly, Black Mask appeared from behind the baker and stuck his hand messily into the pie, yelling out, "My germs!" He began shoveling some of the meat from the pie into his greasy hand and smushed it against his ebony skeletal face, eating most of it in front of Killer Croc.

His dickish behavior would not due him good, as Killer Croc grabbed his throat and lifted him up from the stand. Croc sported a dark frown as he stared at him with a death-glare and growled from under his cracked lips.

"Roman…" he hissed out, "…that…really…rustled…my…jimmies…"

"Problem?" laughed Black Mask.

"Fuck you!" snapped Killer Croc, throwing Black Mask into the wall, breaking it and Black Mask's bones as the establishment began crumbling from the blow.

* * *

><p><strong>18. Batman's Nightmare<strong>

Batman sat on his chair in front of the large super computer, with Alfred walking behind him with a tray in hand as he laid plates of sandwiches on a nearby table behind Batman. The Dark Knight typed on his computer with an intent stare at the screen, searching up local wanted posters and began scouting for said criminals by checking their credit card statements, cell-phone calls, and even birth records.

Meanwhile, Alfred walked up to Batman oh so calmly. Alfred then began staring at Batman, quietly not saying a word as he looked at his master with his calm demeanor that was always present in his presence. Batman paused a bit, feeling the stare, but returned to his work.

Alfred, without warning, then ripped off his face, revealing Scarecrow's mask underneath it, who then leaned his head forward and hissed out in a murderous tone, "I'm gonna kill you!"

Batman shrieked and jumped out of his chair, causing Scarecrow to jump in shock as well as Batman began running around the Batcave with sweat running down his square jaw.

"Uh, uh…I didn't mean it!" shouted out Scarecrow, running after Batman with his arms flailing around.

However, Batman would have none of that, running away from Scarecrow as he screams at the top of his lungs and flailing his arms around like a muppet. As he rushed around in fear, Scarecrow called out, "Don't be angry!" still chasing after the Dark Knight.

* * *

><p><strong>19. The Most Interesting Man in the World<strong>

Batman lost his parents at a young age, but with their deaths, he grew faster to become a master of the arts of justice and vengeance. Batman has learned how the vile creatures think and learned how to combat them perfectly. No matter how sick and vile they are, he keeps his composure and lets them live. He knows mercy as much as he knows justice. He is the Night. He is Vengeance.

He is the Most Interesting Man in the World.

Batman has faced the most evil of men, ranging from psychopathic comedians with a penchant for lethal jokes to two tortured souls in a single body. From masters of riddles to masters of avians. From a spoiled doppelganger who wishes his blood to the powerful demon with an army of assassins behind him. All of them, he defeats them.

He faces the blizzards of winter and defeats him. He faces the wrath of spring and defeats her. The seasons fear him, for they have the right to. He is the night.

And despite his powerful warring abilities of evil, he is also a kind gentle soul. Caring for those that have lost as much as he has, and training them to combat evil with him. If one falls, he weeps for them. He knows love, from good and evil, and seduces both at the same time.

With this, Batman has said this to me, to relay to you:

"**_I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I start running around, hitting criminals in the face, screaming out, "I am the Goddamn Batman" with my pants between my ankles…that is why I don't drink much…_**"

Stay thirsty, my friends.

* * *

><p><strong>20. Penguin Can Break These Cuffs<strong>

It was a normal day, with Batman and Robin arresting Penguin as the two dragged the Fowl of Felony from the Iceberg Lounge after he tried taking over the town with mutant penguins. The Penguin was wearing his black speedo again, his moobs flapping with every step and his ass quaking with his flappy man-tits. Penguin was groaning and shaking his head violently, struggling with Batman and Robin as the two laugh at his predicament.

"What is wrong with you?" laughed Batman, pressing Penguin against the Batmobile, falling on his knees in front of the hood. Penguin groaned as he shook his head, tearing up a bit with his white chest exposed.

"You cannot do this to me!" he clucked angrily, "I will make a thousand hummingbirds stab your eyeballs until you beg for mercy."

"Penguin, zip it," commanded Robin, pointing his finger at him, "You won't be seeing light for a while…in Blackgate!"

Penguin shook his head, putting his head down and hissing out, "I can…break these…cuffs!"

"You can't break those cuffs!" added Batman wisely.

Penguin replied with a loud yell, blaring out as he showed his sharp teeth and flared his nostrils. His eyes were wide and blood-shot, screaming loudly as he tried to break those cuffs, but ultimately, he succeeded. With the chain breaking and freeing the Penguin, Cobblepot then flips backwards from the two as they looked at him in shock, disappearing into the streets with a flip and another flip and once more.

"…Huh…" breathed out Batman, "…well, I'll be damned…"

* * *

><p><strong>21. My Leg! (SPECIAL GUEST CAMEO: Fanfiction Writer SuperStarUltra)<strong>

Batman groaned as he slammed his fists on the yellow plaster cashier's stand, standing in the middle of a fast food restaurant filled with greasy teenagers. The Dark Knight barks out at the scrawny teenage worker, "Dammit! I have a coupon! I deserve free nuggets!"

"I'm sorry Batman," let out the cashier at the other side, looking at Batman in fear, "but it expired a day ago! There's nothing I can do!"

"It's! Just! One! Day!" roared Batman angrily, "I missed one day and you are going to screw me? Do you know how many times I saved your ass? All of the asses in Gotham City!?"

"It's just policy!" shrieked the cashier, "If I could, I would give you the nuggets for free regardless!"

"Fine!" he growled angrily, "It's not like you get that many customers anyway. With crappy service like that!"

Suddenly, the rotating glass doors opened to reveal famed fanfic writer **SuperStarUltra**, creator of "**YouGotHaruhiRolled**!" and "**Cracks in the SOS Dan**", walking in with his arms waving up at everyone with a welcoming smile.

"Rev up those fryers!" he shouted, "'cause I'm sure hungry for some-" He was then grabbed by Batman, who carried him across the restaurant back to the front door.

"Help! HELP!" he screamed out, before finally being thrown out the front door and landing on a his leg, which he screamed out in pain and misery, "My leg! My leeeg."

"They're closed, damn you all!" roared Batman, "Not until get my chicken NUGGETS!" He then roared and walked back into the restaurant.

* * *

><p><strong>22. VENOM<strong>

HEY! Do you want power? Do you want strength! Then you want VENOM! Venom is like a green blood filled with Zeus' seed that gives the power of thunder into your BODY!

It is a MAN'S DRUG!

Not like pot that makes you tired. VENOM WANTS YOU TO MOVE! Venom rapes Pot like an angry bull! Pot is inferior! Venom is the MASTER RACE of DRUGS!

It's not like meth, because meth is STUPID!

And it's nothing like STEROIDS! Venom is steroids times INFINITY! Venom gives you STRENGTH and heightens your PENIS SIZE!

Venom tastes like HAVING SEX WITH THUNDER! It feels like SWIMMING IN SEX! That doesn't make sense, but it feels like liquid! AWESOME LIQUID!

Venom was made in a prison in South America for the sole purpose of KICKING PEOPLE'S ASSES! BATMAN'S ASS!

It gives you so much strength so that you can BREAK BATMAN'S ASS! I MEAN BACK! But you can also BREAK HIS ASS!

I AM MAN-BAT!

So take Venom and BE A GOD! ARRGH!

* * *

><p><strong>23. Joker Blows Up Gotham<strong>

Jason Todd, The Red Hood, was walking down the sidewalk through the city with little to no care as he stuck his hands in his pockets. He sighed and shook his head, "Damn I'm bored, better call the guys…hang out…get smashed…"

He sighed again and pulls out a cigarette from his coat pocket, and when he reaches into his pocket, grabbing his Zippo lighter and attempting to get his fix of nicotine, he looks down and sees a small package on the ground, with his name written on it in red ink.

Jason darts around again and again, seeing who it could have been that would leave him this gift. But, being a dummy for the sake of plot, he decides that if it is for him, then it must be safe.

Without thinking twice, he reaches down and picks up the package, lifting it up and savagely opening it with a smile under his mask. He frowned to see the only contents was a single piece of string.

He glared and said with a visible pout, "Must be a trick from Roy…stupid shashiver." Red Hood reaches down into the box and attempted to lift the string out, only to find out it quickly opened a flap from underneath…

…and revealed a ticking pipe-bomb ready to blow up in his face!

"WHAT THE FU-" was the last thing he said before Gotham blew up in a great nuclear explosion, and the only witness was the Joker sitting on his balloon-powered dirigible, who was laughing madly at the wanton destruction the Clown Prince of Crime has just committed.

* * *

><p><strong>24. Scarecrow's Wild Ride (Oh god, oh man!)<strong>

Batman and Robin walked down the million mile long path, tired and hungry, looking at the glorious end of the road, to the door to freedom. Their weak bodies flopped, but their smiles of endearment were showing on their sweaty face to prove how determined these two were.

"Oh Batman!" cried Robin out of relief, "We're gonna be free! We'll finally get out of this horrible nightmare!"

"Don't worry, Robin," sighed Batman happily, "it's all over now…"

And so, Batman pushed the double doors open, only to find something completely different. It was another part of Scarecrow's Wild Ride, the same car and tracks but with a new sign overhead the ride's entrance…and it read…

"_THE RIDE NEVER ENDS!_"

Batman staggered back in terror as Robin stood there, cold like a statue as he is at a great and utter loss of words. And so, Batman then breaths out in terror, "Oh god…oh man, oh god!"

He began to spin around in madness, "Oh god, oh man! Oh god, oh man! OH GOD! OH MAN! OH GOD!"

* * *

><p><strong>25. The Ultimate Meme<strong>

Scarecrow laughed evilly as he watched Batman continuously spit out, "Oh god, oh man!", trapped in his madness that will never end. Scarecrow sat on his lounge chair in an abandoned motel room, looking at numerous surveillance sets that showed Batman's madness in many different angles.

"Hahahaha!" he cackled, "Batman will be lost forever in my Wild Ride! Loopin' over and over and over and over again until he dies of starvation! Then, I will do it to Superman, then to Wonder Woman, then to the Flash, and then to the next hero! And the next! And the next! AND THE NEXT! HAHAHAHA!"

He leaned back on his chair and sipped his coffee. "And with this, no one can stop the growing madness…"

Suddenly, the televisions burst out in Scarecrow's frightened stare and jumps away from shock, seeing Batman and Robin punch through the screens dynamically, kicking the Scarecrow in the face in unison. The Haystack Horror flew back with his lounge chair, landing on the floor with a broken arm and a broken jaw. He looked at the Dynamic Duo stand before him with terror and disbelief.

"But…how?" he whimpered out, "…the…video surveillance…"

"A loop, Scarecrow," revealed Batman proudly, "I was able to make one with my **Bat-Video Editor: Portable Edition** while I was riding on your Wild Ride. It's a good thing you were too stupid to NOT take my utility belt, you know."

He nodded to Robin, who nodded back in a proud smile, and then the two heroes walked to the window, overlooking the whole city as Scarecrow tried to crawl at them, growling in anger.

"You…bastard…" he hissed, "No one could have escaped my Wild Ride! It is impossible! Only something unnatural…who…who are you!?"

Batman stopped in front of the window, turning to him, and saying only this…

"**…I'm the Goddamn Batman.**"

And with that, the Dark Knight and his Boy Wonder jumped out of the window, gliding in the night sky to face more evil that wishes to blight all of Gotham. For he is…the Dark Knight.

* * *

><p><strong>TheBananaSlug: I don't give a FUCK what you say, THAT is the Ultimate Meme! Batman is the herald of all memes whether you like it or not, suckah.<strong>

**But, yeah, this has been fun, and exhausting. I am sorry if I keep you guys waiting, but I juggle with other stories, life, and college. But I do my best to keep you either entertained or annoyed. Fills my chest with joy knowing you get a kick or puke because of MY writing.**

**Although, I think I spent most of the memes that I can write in…maybe for the 75****th**** Chapter I'll do ones based on the GI Joe PSAs.**

_**Goosh Goosh.**_

**Sorry, no Confidentials for today, but next chapter, we will be exploring Hush and his voice actor (like that even matters).**

**Calendar Man: Have A Happy Easter!**

**TheBananaSlug: They know that! |:[**


	51. Hush Does Not Exist Anymore!

**The Banana Slug: Well, I was going to make this a chapter about Hush…with just rehashed jokes from his 'voice actor'. But I already rehashed shit last chapter, so I am gonna try and make more to it than that for Hush's chapter.**

**Just expect me to break promises, I am not reliable. People have always called me a bit untrustworthy, my biggest weakness…and apparently fragmented sentences, frankly I don't see it, but screw it.**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 51: Hush Does Not Exist Anymore**

* * *

><p><strong>Bloody Reboot…<strong>

It was the great Wayne Manor's living room, with Tim Drake and Cassandra Cain sitting on the floor playing patty-cake, wearing turtlenecks and jeans, while Alfred sits on the couch watching "How To Train Your Dragon" with a glass of brandy in hand.

In comes Bruce Wayne, grumbling darkly as he walks to the living room where everyone is having a good time. He glares at everyone as he massages his aching chin, before snapping, "HEY! You two kept me awake last night!"

The two sidekicks looked at him with fear as they hugged each other, watching he stomped and snarled with him jabbing his finger at their direction, "If you are going to experiment your young hormonal bodies, you better friggin' keep it friggin' down! FRIGGIN'!"

"We weren't experimenting!" defended Tim frightfully, "We were watching Venture Brothers and we were scared that Dean's new crush would get killed off or something!"

"Doesn't excuse you from moaning like a bunch of humpin' bunnies!" snapped Bruce madly.

"We were crying!" yelped Cassandra, "We were scared!"

"Piss off!" he snapped back with slobber down his maw.

"Master Wayne!" berated Alfred in shock, getting up and scolding with a shaking finger, "How dare you speak to your wards as such! How could you!?"

"Like this!" snarled Bruce, running up to Alfred and babbling out, "Blaboo-yaboo dububu sniff sniff chuckle-farts Mel Gibson's horse and give a dog-a-bone! Trevor Slattery! Mandy! Killian! No-no!" Alfred simply stands there in calm distaste as Bruce begins splattering raspberries at his face.

After Wayne would finish, standing in front of him, Alfred would wipe the spit from his face and ask, "What is really going on?"

Bruce sighed and said, "…I have a rotting tooth...and it won't stop hurting…"

"Can't you see a dentist?" asked Tim nervously.

Wayne would spin around and shout angrily, "With what those damn vampires are chargin' nowadays, not even I, **Bruce friggin' Wayne** could afford a friggin' check-up! Give you **two friggin' thousand **for a root friggin' canal? Do you know how easy it is to get one!? **Too friggin' easy**! FRIGGIN'!"

"Who did you see before?" questioned Tim with a tilt of a head as Cassandra picked her nose.

Bruce began standing there with a quake of his chin, scratching the back of his head and revealing to his adoptive children, "…Thomas…"

The two were silent as Alfred clasped his hand against his mouth, shaking his hand in shock and pity. "…Who?" asked Cassandra.

"…**Hush**," Bruce would confess sadly.

With that, Tim and Cass would look at each other in mortification, breathing out, "Ooooooh…"

Tim would then ask Bruce, "But…I thought Hush was a surgeon?"

"And a dentist," added Bruce, "and a proctologist, and a dermatologist, and a epidemiologist, and a oncologist…and a gynecologist."

"Isn't Leslie Tompkins all that?" pointed out Alfred.

"All that except a dentist," sighed Bruce sadly, shaking his head before breathing in and saying defiantly, "but don't worry, Batman knows no tooth-ache he can't OW! OW! OH! FRIGGIN' LOCK-JAW!"

He trembles and holds his jaw, with Alfred helping him stand as he said, "Look, you need to find Thomas and have him give you a check-up, he's the only one who knows your teeth like you do."

"What!?" snapped Bruce, getting up and saying, "I am not going to suck his dick just so he can make my mouth all better! No! Not gonna-" He was interrupted by his red phone ringing from his desk, with him rushing over and quickly answering and asking, "Yes, Commissioner?"

"Batman!" cried out Gordon from the phone, "Black Mask accidentally flooded the streets with Peanut Butter after a stray bullet hit a tanker of the yummy drug! I need your help in eating it all up! Renee won't do it and Bullock will just eat it up before anyone else can have some! That's why it is up to you, me, and your sidekicks!"

"Uhhhhhh," breathed out Bruce nervously.

"Don't worry, I invited Nightwing and my daughter, meet me in two hours!" announced Gordon loudly and proudly, "We're gonna have peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! My dreams have finally come to life! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!"

With that, the call ended as Bruce grumbles and puts the phone down, saying as he walks down the living room, "I've been tracking Hush for months, I think I found out where his alley-way pharmacy is located. If I don't come back in two hours, tell Nightwing to save me some peanut butter…I am going to get this tooth problem fixed right up the butt."

"Hold on, Master Bruce," called out Alfred, as he ran after Bruce as he lifted the Bust of Shakespeare's head and pushed the red button within, "I am coming with you, Hush will definitely try something and you may need someone to help you."

"Alright Alfred, ow, follow me, but keep your, ow, head down," he would say, with shocks of pain hitting his jaw over and over as the bookshelf opens up to reveal the secret passage to the Bat-Cave. He then turns to Cassandra and Tim standing there looking with concern, with him barking, "Now, you two, ow, I'll be back, ow, soon, so no experimenting! …ow."

Alfred and Bruce would run down the stairs, with the bookshelf closing behind them as the two stood there watching. Tim then turned to Cassie and ecstatically shouted, "Let's wear each other's clothes!"

And like little idiots, they would throw their hands in the air and yell, "YAAAAAY!"

* * *

><p>In the darkest part of Gotham's downtown, in a back-alley that smelled of alcohol and seminal fluids, the Batmobile would swiftly drive in and make a sudden stop with no effort. Batman would jump from the car as the driver's door opened up with Alfred getting out with him.<p>

They both stood in front of a old rusty door, with Batman rubbing his aching chin and, with a grumble and a resistant tremble, Batman would knock on the door five times.

After that, the door opened slightly to see Hush looking through at Batman and Alfred. He would glare boredly before saying, "…Your broken wisdom tooth?"

"Uh…yeah," breathed out Batman sadly.

"Hm, I knew it, only a matter of time." sighed Hush, then saying, "Just give me a moment, I have a patient here." After that, he closes the door with Batman standing there with Alfred.

"Hm, that was easy," breathed out Alfred.

"Always is with him, then he shivs you in the back of the head just to be a major douche," said Batman, grunting as the pain kept surging in his mouth.

The door opened again with Hush letting the door wide open and saying, "Alright, come on in…just you though, Alfie stays out here with the crack-heads."

"You okay out here?" asked Batman to his faithful servant.

"Don't worry sir, I can defend myself when needed," he stated, with Batman sighing and walking in with Hush as he glares at him hatefully.

Alfred stands there like a statue, with a small frown and his arms behind his back as he stares at the door waiting for his master.

Batman and Hush would walk into the dirty room with two hospital beds against the wall with two bloody body bags on them on each of them. Hush would open another door to reveal Riddler getting his pants up, looking at the two with a nervous pout as he sweats lightly.

"Alright…I'm…gonna go," let out Riddler, "Thanks Hush."

"Yep, see me again if your ass starts bleeding again," stated Hush. Riddler would groan embarrassingly as Batman chuckled, amused by Riddler's leaking anus. The Riddler rushes out of the room, grumbling loudly as he ran past Alfred, not even acknowledging Bruce Wayne's butler beside the Batmobile waiting for Batman.

In the room the Riddler left from had a hospital bed in the corner and a medical chair in the middle, with a table with a tray filled with bloody medical tools on them. "Now, get on the bed and we'll have a look at that tooth," ordered Hush.

Batman was hesitant, but would sit on the bed and watch Hush stand over as he reached out and grabbed a Hot Pocket from the surgical table, biting it with Batman watching and asking, "…Uh, should you be eating when you are going to-"

"Shut up, Brucey-Wucey, it's not brain surgery, plus this is you, so my all…is not going to be in on it," growled Hush, putting it down back on the table and licking his fingers as Batman scowls at him.

"Well, this is what happens when you keep eating those Nerds, Bruce," groaned Hush as he clapped his hands clean, "but then again, you've always been the retarded little bat-monkey that prefers to destroy his own teeth with a candy hammer."

"I'm making a list, Thomas," growled Batman, who would just suddenly notice metal cuffs slap onto his wrists as he looked around angrily, "Thomas!"

"I know how you react to people coming at you with sharp metal objects, and I'd rather not get hit by your reflexes," explained Hush, grabbing the hooks to stretch the mouth, "so just calm down and-"

"But what will stop you from simply slitting my throat with your surgical tools?" growled out Batman, before being silenced by Thomas' hooks stretching his mouth into an open square.

"Hmmmm, good point," Hush said, before giggling madly as Batman watches with flaring nostrils and wide glaring eyes. Hush then walked to his tools, grabbing a small metal hook and drill asking, "So, do you want anesthetic?"

"Ugh! Rughughargh! Aragh! Nugh!" gargled Batman as he tried to speak. Hush would stand there, blankly staring at him with a small smile.

He would be silent before giving a happy shrug and saying gladly, "I guess not! But be warned…this is going to hurt." Batman would react with a loud roar as he continues to ramble angrily at Hush, who madly giggles as the drill and hook gets closer to his Bat-Mouth.

* * *

><p>A loud scream would come out from the illegal pharmacy, calling for help as extreme pain would be the one thing Batman feel in his mouth, a pain that was worse than the tooth that caused him such misery.<p>

And where was Alfred in all this? He was outside, away from the door and the Batmobile. He was over at the side of the Chinese Restaurant as he was playing Craps with the Mexican workers as he was on a winning streak.

"Damn, I can't believe we are getting screwed by Jeeves, mang," groaned one of the workers, with Alfred doing the moonwalk with a proud hip swing and singing the tune of "_**Sweet Victory**_".

* * *

><p>Inside the pharmacy, Hush would finish with the Batman, holding a bloody sharded tooth, greatly as Batman sighed on the chair, panting heavily with his mouth full of blood and him sweating in terrible pain.<p>

"Well, that was one hell of a work," chuckled Hush happily, "and it didn't even cost a single ha'penny."

"Ugh…yaaa…dihkkh…" gargled Batman as some blood spittles out his mouth.

Hush sighs with accomplishment, clasping his hands together after placing the tooth back on the tray as his chest swells with pride. "…Now, I am going to have to leave you here for a moment, I heard that Black Mask shot a tanker full of peanut butter and Gordon is going to eat him out of it. I think I'm gonna go over and lick the peanut butter before my cold fully dies out."

Batman would struggle angrily as he tried to escape from his bonds, with Hush straightening his cool brown coat and chuckling snidely, "Hush, Batman, for I have peanut butter to ruin!"

He then walked to the door before turning to the struggling Bat and dangling a pair of black keys in front of the Dark Knight, who growled angrily and struggled madly. Hush would walk out the underground hospital, entering the Batmobile quickly as Alfred walked over, counting his money he just won from his friendly Crap game.

Alfred noticed the Batmobile start without him, looking in shock before it drove past him wildly. Alfred stuffs his cash into his pocket and runs into Hush's hideout. He bursts through the doors, kicking them down hard, just to see Batman strapped there, yelling angrily with his mouth full of blood.

"Master Wayne! I am terribly sorry!" he shouted out fearfully, undoing the cuffs and defending with, "I was playing Craps with some good fellows and I-"

He was then slugged in the face by a Bat-Fist, sending Alfred to the floor with a loud slip then followed by a thud. Alfred would slide right back up and ask, enraged by the punch, "What the bloody hell!?"

"Ruh! Ruh-uh luguduh!" rambled Batman angrily, with him soon realizing his mouth was still hooked. He groans in his irritation and yanks them out violently, spitting blood onto the floor and shouting, "Hush stole the Batmobile and is going to lick the peanut butter with his flu-stricken tongue!"

Alfred looks at him like Batman was a deranged schizophrenic, with Batman sighing knowing what he said could only come from a hypochondriac's mouth but being the truth.

"Listen! Black Mask created a giant glob of peanut butter!" explained a tired Batman, "Gordon called me so that I could eat it with Robin and Batgirl! So, that is why I went to get my tooth pulled. But he found out and is going to muck it up by licking the giant blob with him having a cold just to PISS ME OFF! …Still sounds crazy but it's true!"

He gets up from the chair, with Alfred following him and calling out, "But Master Wayne! How are we going to find him!?"

"I put a tracer on the Batmobile!" growled Batman, "I can track'm and catch'm in no time flat! I learned my lesson after he took my Whirly-Bat!" He punched the door off as Alfred followed him, nervous and looking around as Batman began pressing buttons on his Bat-PDA from his belt.

"But Sir!" breathed out Alfred, "How are we going to catch him?"

Suddenly, the sound of jet engines was heard as Alfred and Batman looked to see his majestic Batwing fly down with its black jagged form as it hovered in front of them. Batman turns to Alfred quickly and orders, "I need you to stay here and see if you can get some more money from your Crap friends. I'm going to save me some peanut butter!"

With that, he jumped up and entered his Batwing as Alfred calls out, "Don't worry, sir! My dices are loaded!"

As the jet flew into the air, Alfred looked over and saw the workers looking at him in shock and offense. "Whaaaa?" breathed out one, yelling out angrily, "How could you, mang!? We trusted you!"

"Never trust a butler, sir," stated Alfred calmly, straightening his coat, "First lesson in life."

* * *

><p>It was in the middle of Gotham Square, where a hundred foot wide blob of peanut butter was covering the streets as Police Cars stationed around the peanut butter ocean. Gordon stood proudly as he slowly took his coat off as Renee Montoya stood next to him as Harvey Bullock would sit on the car with a muzzle and a sad look in his eyes.<p>

"Alright, boys," stated Gordon calmly as he undid his tie calmly, "I just got off the phone with Robin and Batgirl, they'll be here in a minute. We'll be having Black Mask out of this delicious glob of buttery peanuts in no time and I'll have achieved my dream of swimming in a sea of peanut butter."

After this, he unbuttoned his shirt to reveal his chest full of white hair and yanking his pants down to reveal a pair of tight black swimming shorts. Renee curls her nose and asks, disgusted by Gordon's hairy chest, "Ehhhh, you think that…you need to strip down to your skibbies?"

"Renee! Don't screw my dreams! **Don't. Screw. My. Dreams.**" he snaps angrily, not noticing Hush climbing on a large ice cream truck immersed in the peanut butter sea. However, Gordon would soon notice this and, along with the other police officers, see him stand there with a malicious grin.

"Hey! Look at meeee!" he shouts, "I'm going to ruin your dreams!"

"Hush! You are a friggin' madman!" shouts Gordon angrily, "What the hell do you think you are doing!?"

"I am going to lick the peanut butter with my cold still lingering ON MY TONGUE!" shouted back Hush.

"**DON'T YOU DARE**!" snarls Gordon with his fists in the air.

"I'mma do it!" giggled Hush maliciously.

"**NONONONO**!" barked Gordon, stomping around with his fists waving madly as Hush began preparing himself to dive into the peanut butter.

However, he was quickly stopped by the Batwing ramming into him at full speed. Hush would spittle blood onto the window as his arms flailed comedically, his lips pursed as he was carried to the end of the street. The Batwing stopped, with the despicable Hush being flung off and slamming on the asphalt hard as he moans in misery, looking out in painful pain.

"_Ehhhhhh_," he moans out, "…_my tummy hurts_…"

Gordon watches as the Batwing lands next to the commissioner as Batman slowly climbs from the open hatch as it floats over the road as he stands there like the hero he was. Gordon chuckled and said, "Hahaaaah, Batman, you saved the day again, and to think that that weaseling sonuvabitch Hush was going to run all my peanut butter! The city thanks-"

"Gordon…why are you in your skibbies?" asked Batman with a straight face.

Gordon yells angrily, "Batman! Don't kill my dream! I don't kill yours!"

"Alright, alright," groans Batman in slight disgust, "jeez, I just hope nothing else ruins my appetite."

Suddenly, the R-Cycle and the Batpod would drive through, with Robin and Batgirl jumping from the cycles with spoons in hand. However, Batman would notice something that would furrow his brow and cause his scowl to quake with disturbed intensity.

For you see, Batgirl was wearing Robin's costume and Robin was wearing Batgirl's costume. Cass's short spiky black hair poked out as she sported a tiny smile as her clothes sagged over her body. Tim's body was tightly wrapped by the leather costume of Batgirl, with him looking around with slight blindness from her costume.

"…You have been experimenting again," growled Batman angrily.

"…Nnnno?" let out Batgirl with a bashful turn of the head.

"Batgirl, how do you stand this leather?" groans Robin in irritation, "This outfit is riding terribly up my ass!" He then turns around and shows off his ass as it is greatly visible from the leather and shakes it lightly in public, his cheeks visible and wiggling in the tight black leather.

Batman stood there in disgust, shaking his head in shame, unable to stop looking at Robin's ass as Commissioner Gordon ignored all this and yelled happily, soon jumping into the sea of peanut butter. The Commissioner would disappear into the peanut butter, never to be seen again as Batman got off his Batwing and said, "Normal times, I'd yell my ear off at the two of you, but I now that my achin' tooth is gone, I can actually calmly say, "I am going to bop you both in the head."

And with that, he raised his arms and 'bopped them both in the head'. Robin (or Red Bat) and Batgirl (or Black Robin) would yelp and rub their heads, whining in pain as Batman stands there stoic and without remorse for his actions.

Suddenly, Gordon would poke from the glob with a dazed and heavily breathing Black Mask in his arms, bellowing out, "I got'm! I'm gonna wrestle him like a gator!"

With that, Black Mask shrieked as he was slammed back into the peanut butter as they both watched him live in his final fantasy, swimming in peanut butter and wrestling with Black Mask like an alligator.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: And this is my 51<strong>**st**** chapter, I am so glad that I have finished this one. I had to rewrite the WHOLE DAMN THING just to do it right, because…it really did suck before I fixed it.**

**But yeah, I think it is a real improvement.**

**AND NOW! IT'S TIME FOR! BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!**

* * *

><p><strong>Name:<strong> Hush AKA Thomas Elliot

**Voice Actor:** Jim Gaffigan (Buyahahahahahaaa!)

**Description:** He is a tall gaunt jerk that wears a black leather jacket with red outlines and a circle with an H in the middle on his right breast. Held together with a brown belt filled with pouches like any respected 90s character, he wears long black jeans with black kneepads and black combat boots. His hands were covered in black gloves to protect his identity and plus because they are cool. His favored part of his outfit is his expensive and cool brown duster that he loves more than babies, which is actually not saying a lot. His identity is covered in white medical bandages all over his head as his jaundice-stricken green eyes poke out from the darkness as one would see yellow teeth from under the bandages.

**Likes:** Surgery, Hot Pockets, Cake, Cake, More Cake (if he says cake again, I'm gonna kill'm), Pie, Ruining Batman's life, Himself, and Hating people

**Dislikes:** Bruce Wayne, Catwoman, Prometheus, Joker, and pretty much everyone since he is a humongous dick


	52. The Number 52

**The Banana Slug: The universe is a terrifying place, with horrifying forces out to invade Japan and sexually violate the teenage schoolgirls with their slimy tentacles, writhing around inside of them as they, for some reason, enjoy it.**

**But nothing is more terrible than…**

* * *

><p><strong>You Got BatRolled!<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 52: The Number 52**

* * *

><p><strong>Joel Schumacher's Convoluted Jim Carrey Movie…that is NOT Batman Forever<strong>

"How long has he been in his room?" would be the question the beautiful Selina Kyle would ask Alfred Pennyworth, with him standing at the door of Wayne Manor as she stood before him in a beautiful green dress.

"For ten weeks," explained a worried Alfred, "I bring food in and I never even see him, but I keep hearing him mutter in the dark. I am quite worried for Bruce, and I need you to try and get him out of there. Robin and Batgirl have tried everything, but alas."

"Alright, don't worry, Bats won't be able to say no to me," she cooed, walking past him with Alfred soon leading her up the stairs to the halls of the Wayne family.

Sitting near the door of Bruce's study, Tim and Cassandra wound sit together on a seat waiting for their adoptive father, but he'd since be AFK. However, their hopes were lightly raised when they saw Selina here to save the Batman from whatever is happening to him.

She slowly opens the door, with Alfred, Tim, and Cassandra behind her as they look to see a horrifying sight inside of the room. The whole room stunk of waste, with the walls and floor and ceiling covered with the same number over and over again, "52", written in red marker in various sizes as they would see the Batman in the corner.

He was only wearing four aspects of his costume, his cape, his cowl, his boots, and his gloves. The Batman was also wearing a pair of tight teal boxers, his body was pimply and pale, his chin covered in hair and his teeth were yellow with discare.

"Hooooo! I have…solved the equation!" rambled Batman.

"…Eh, Bruce, are you…okay?" asked Selina with worry.

"Never better!" giggled Batman happily.

Cassandra looked around to see the numbers covering the walls with red marker and paint, with her asking, "…Fifty-two?"

"Aaaaah, you noticed…the number," chuckled the Batman manically, then explaining quickly, "you see…this is the main equation of life, with every single thing adding up to this number. This number connects to every single thing in the entire multiverse, this number, fifty-two."

"…Excuse me?" chuckled out Selina in disbelief.

"Let me explain," started Batman, "I first noticed it when I kept seeing **fifty-two **in my taxes and contracts, then I kept on seeing it as I walked. It dawned on me that the universe was trying to shout out at me what the secrets were."

He then continued to ramble on with everyone staring at him nervously, "You see, I also noticed that my father was born in nineteen **fifty-two**, with my mother being born in seven **fifty-two **in the morning. I was also born on the nineteenth of February, which is three days away from the twenty-second…which is the **fifty-second **day of the year."

"Sir, that is ridiculous!" scoffed Alfred.

"Is it!? Weren't you hired to be the Wayne family butler when you were **fifty-two**? And did you or did you NOT go on vacation for only **fifty-two **times in your whole tenure!?"

"_Fifty-__**three**_, actually," corrected an irritated Alfred, "but Sir, you can't be serious with all this…madness!"

"Ohohohooh! But I am not done!" screeched Batman madly, explaining with bared teeth, "you see, I also noticed that Tim is fourteen, and Jason is eighteen, and Dick is twenty. So, if you add fourteen with eighteen and twenty, you get…**fifty-two**."

"Are you one-hundred percent sure about-" questioned the Boy Wonder.

"Now hold yer horses, cause I'm not done!" barked Batman loudly, "Cassandra is fifteen, and Barbara is twenty-three, which gives us **thirty-eight**, BUT if you were to include Stephanie Brown, who is fourteen, you get…**fifty-two**."

"…I'm fifteen?" Cass squeaks out.

"Also, since this is a parody of The Number 23, I think it is quick to point out that if you switch two and three together you get thirty-two and if you add that with twenty? …**Fifty-Two**," rambled on Batman like the nut he currently is.

"Batman! Batman!" shouted Selina, clapping her hands in front of his face as he was fazed by it, "There is NO Fifty-Two conspiracy! You need to believe me on this! This is crazy! It's crazier than Jim Carrey in drama!"

"Besides, that information was like a year old!" called out Tim, "I'm fifteen now! Cass is sixteen!"

"…I'm sixteen?" Cass would add in in shock.

"Selina! Tim! It's more complex than that!" shouted Batman loudly and desperately, "When I was twelve, my parents died. When I was nineteen, I went to training under Ra's al Ghul. Finally, when I was twenty-three, I became Batman. You see, if you times fifty-two with twelve, then plus it with nineteen and twenty-three, you get **six-hundred and sixty-six**!"

Batman then roars out, "It's all there, clear as crystal! **Fifty-Two **is a demonic number! It was suppose to be **six-hundred and sixty-six **but the lords of Hell, Satannus and Blaze, were too busy having hot incestuous monkey love at the time! Don't you see!? Fifty-Two is the most important number in the world! NO! THE UNIVERSE!"

"Yes, Batman," growled a dark voice, "you figured it out, didn't you?"

With that, they all turned around to the corner of the room to see a devilish figure sit there on the couch with a cup of cocoa in hand as the New God stared at him with his glowing red eyes.

For, it was Darkseid, sitting there staring at the five with a cross of his legs and a hand on his crossed leg as he sips his cocoa loudly as he then says, "…You have figured out the code."

"Darkseid?" breathed out Alfred in shock.

Batman stood up and said coldly, "Yes…I did. It was not easy."

"Okay! OKAY!" snapped Selina, stamping her foot loudly and her fists shaking madly, "I am damn confused right now! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?"

"You see, Batman thought he was trying to figure out the code to my defeat," said Darkseid, "Orion and the other Gods of New Genesis hid it well, throwing me off with a false number pretending to be the true Code."

"Wait, so Twenty-Three isn't the Code?" let out Tim Drake, his brow raised up at the New God, "What was that crappy Joel Schumacher movie all about?"

"About Jim Carrey following a Red Herring in a crappy Joel Schumacher movie," stated Darkseid with a chuckle.

"But wait, why would the Gods of New Genesis hide the one thing that could defeat you?" questioned Alfred, "Unless…"

"Unless it was all a lie, it isn't a code to defeat you," breathed out a regretful Batman, "…was it?"

"Yyyyes," yipped Darkseid mischievously, "for this isn't the Code to defeat me…this is the Code of the Source Wall!" With that, Darkseid got up and held his arms out and created a red vortex in his hand. Darkseid throws his hand high up in the air as everyone watched in terror.

It released a devilish screech that broke eardrums, Darkseid laughed madly at his victory and held his hand out in dark victory as he prepared to destroy reality and create his own. Freedom would be dissolved, free will would become a fairy tale, and all would bow before Darkseid's control over Anti-Life.

Dreams would be eradicated and only nightmares would remain. Hope would be ravaged to the point of obliteration under his rule. War will be Peace. Freedom will be Slavery. Ignorance will be Strength. All will bow before Darkseid.

However, all this and a bag of chips would be stopped by a bullet to the chest, with Darkseid eeping out as he felt something rip through him and black blood would seep from his lips, looking around in absolute shock.

Everyone else would be completely speechless as the shooter, **Alfred Pennyworth**, stood there with a grim face, holding out something he'd never hold…a gun, with the barrel smoking as Darkseid stared at him for some time.

And with that, they would watch as Darkseid falls down like a log on the floor, groaning in pain as he was given massive damage by the bullet through the heart. "_Ughhhh_," he gurgles out in pain, with Alfred pushing the barrel close to his lips and blew the smoke out as he stands there like a boss.

"Erm, Alfred, what is…going on?" grunts Batman justifiably.

"Oh, well, I saved you from being sent back in time again with a spare Radion bullet I won last night when I was at _**The Inventory**_," explained Alfred, "I always have a contingency plan when a New God comes and tries to kill you after you find the secret of the universe."

"…My lungs hurt," groans Darkseid in pain, whining with a high-pitched voice and clenching his eyes…as if not to cry.

Batman simply stood there, joining everyone as they stared at Alfred as he whistles happily and puts the gun into his pocket. "…When did you use guns?" asked Tim with a squint of an eye.

"I've always used guns, remember when I told you of my years in World War II?" answered Alfred, then rambling with a nostalgic tone, "Like the one time me and Winston Churchill went skinny dipping and swam all the way to Germany and-"

"STOP!" spat out Batman.

"My apologies, sir," chuckled Alfred, looking up in the air gladly and cleaning the gun with a rag, "Anyway, now that this silly Twenty-Three parody is finally over, how about I go downstairs and make you all Bat-Jacks."

"Bat-Jacks?" blurts out Selina, looking at Alfred as he walks out the room.

"Pancakes shaped like the Bat-Signal," corrected Batman, rubbing his temple and saying in a daze, "I need…to take a shower first…I smell like **Batman: Fortunate Son**."

"I think you smell like **The Boys**," joked Tim as he walked next to the grumpy Batman.

"No I don't," was all Batman growls back.

"Yep!" chirped Cassandra, walking beside Batman as she and Tim would follow the grouchy vigilante.

"Yeah! You smell like hero-bashing and unflattering parodies!" mocked Tim as he marched happily with his boss back to normal, "And not to mention the desperate attempt to go back to Preacher! I'm so happy to see you again, Batman!"

"Me too!" cheered Cassandra, jumping up and wrapping her arms around Batman, with the Dark Knight scowling deeply.

"Get off," he grunts as the three walk through the halls, with Selina following the heroes with a smile and looking at Batman with a sigh of happiness, glad to see Batman back to normal.

"And the best part is that nothing bad happened!" cheered Tim.

The only person left in the room filled with red Fifty-Twos was Darkseid, slowly getting up with shivering arms and weak knees. The New God gets up, shambling around and reaching into his pocket for his Boom Box.

"Gotta get home…make Desaad kiss my boo-boo…" he murmurs, grabbing the small black box from his tiny pocket and pressing a button on the side, then disappearing in a flash of red light.

* * *

><p><strong>Beware the Owlman<strong>

Joker and Harley Quinn would be shopping at this moment of time, in the totally not Wal-Mart supermarket called Crawl-Mart. Joker would push the cart with a happy grin, his chest puffed out and his nose in the air. Harley, in the meanwhile, was in the kiddy seat and looking around as she kicks her legs playfully.

"Mistah J? Can we have Twinkies?" she asks him in a sing-song tone, "Real Twinkies?"

"No Harley," talks down Joker calmly, "Twinkies have not been resurrected yet."

Harley grunts and crosses her arms, pouting and snapping out, "Bruce Wayne said he was gonna get them back! When's he gonna get too it?"

"His next high, hopefully," replies the Joker, rolling his eyes before looking down at his child-minded girlfriend, "but don't worry! I will be stocking up on Honey Buns! Lots and lots of Honey Buns!"

As he was not looking, his metal cart runs into another cart with both Joker and Harley swapping their heads to see Hush shopping as well. Hush groans and rolls his eyes, "I knew I'd be running into you."

"Hush-Puppy!" coos Joker sensually, "Been a long time."

"Yes, it has been a long two weeks," he sighs snidely. Thomas looks at the grinning clowns, saying boredly, "Look, I don't want to hear any bad joke you have for me, I just want to get my Ho-Hos."

"Bad luck, Hush," sighs Harley with a groan, "Riddler just took them all."

"Oh, well, I'm glad I got out of bed this day," grumbles Hush in distaste, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, "and I wonder how this day can get any friggin' worse."

"Hey dude!" shouts the annoying surfer-talk voice of Prometheus, with Hush groaning darkly as Prometheus rushes over with a shopping cart filled with Ding Dongs.

"And now I want to kill myself…" grumbles Hush, before crying out to the sky, "Can I have at least SOMEONE I can relate to!?"

As if the God of Evil Darkseid was given enough boo-boo kisses and heard his prayers, Prometheus was suddenly thrusted into the medicine aisle with a long shuriken-like projectile jutting into his forehead. It looked similar to the Batman symbol as he was either knocked out unconscious or simply killed, depends if you folks want him back or not.

The three look at the top of the third aisle and see a figure that seemed to resemble Batman crouching before them. Hush sighs as Joker and Harley look at the figure with shock and confusion, with the anti-Batman groaning out, "What do you want, Brucey-Wucey."

"Batman's name is Bruce E. Woosey?" asks a curiously dumb Harley Quinn.

Joker, in a moment of idiocy, pulls out his cellphone and says to a random thug, "Put out a search for a **Bruce E. Woosey**."

"I am not…Bruce…" growls the figure darkly, jumping down from the aisle and standing before the three with it revealing to not be the fabled Batman at all…it turns out that this is the dreaded Owlman. "And I am not Batman," he growls out again in a deep dark gravely voice, "I am…Owlman."

"Wow…that voice…" swoons Harley with a smitten blush and a wide toothy smile, "it's makin' me pop!"

"**I'll **say!" giggles a naughty Joker, biting his finger with flirty eyes.

"Well, what do you want from us, Mr. Owlmen?" questions Hush with a deep scowl.

"I want you to help me defeat the Batman of this world," he growls in response, "for I want to hang his entrails on the telephone wires for all to see, and claim his Batgirl and Robin as my own, **by brutalizing them**!"

"Tough talk, Mr. Bad-Ass," teases Joker, poking Owlman's chest with a gaudy smile as Owlman simply stares at Joker, "but how are you planning to do that?"

"Simple, Jokester," he replies darkly.

"It's, uh, Joker," corrects Joker quickly with a deep frown.

"Oh," was Owlman's response, before explaining, "Batman will know the futility of his actions, and he will see that crime will steal people's hearts. The very criminals will engulf his heart, and rip it out as we all band together and-"

"Hold on!" interrupts Hush, holding his finger up with an exacerbated look that was shared with Harley and Joker, "Are you suggesting a team-up of all the villains of Gotham City?"

"…Yes?" Owlman replies to Hush with a deep scowl and a tilt of his head.

"Well sport, this would be the…thirty-seventh time we did that," chuckles Joker with a disbelieved shake of his head, "I think the last one was last Saturday?"

"No, last Friday," remarks Harley thoughtfully.

However, Two-Face drives by in a scooter with a surfboard in one arm and a slurpee in the other, saying, "Sunday."

"Oh that's right!" sighs Joker loudly, "Thanks Harv!"

"…Thirty-seven times?" breaths out a shocked Owlman.

"Yep, thirty-seven times," repeats Joker as he taps Owlman's nose playfully.

"But…how are you able to do that?" he questions in his confused state, "I mean, in my universe, such team-ups are hard to do with so much heroes to fight against."

"Which is what the problem is there, slugger," explains Joker grandfatherly, "there are so many villains in this world…and so little heroes. We believe we can outnumber him, which is not the case, but we try anyway, just for the fudge of it all!" He then slides over, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and hissing playfully, "While you have so little villains and so many heroes to fight against. Therefore, team-ups are their thing and team-ups are ours."

"…Can we still do it?" he asks as if some new roleplayer in a chatroom.

"Pffft, sure, and I have assholes for eyeballs," growls Hush miserably, trodding off as Owlman watches him leave with a quivering scowl.

Joker shakes his head calmly and says, "Look, cupcake, if it means so much, I will help you in your scheme."

"You…you will?" questions Owlman with a shivering lip, with his yellow eyes looking at Joker hopefully.

"Yeah, but not now," Joker would tell him, grinning as he says evilly, "I have an engagement to fulfill…"

* * *

><p>The doorbell rings, and a young ginger child of ten waddles to the door with blue overalls and a red shirt as he picks his nose with his fat finger. His other hand reaches for the door handle and opens it slowly.<p>

He looks and sees the Joker stand at his doorway with a devious grin and a long barreled handgun pointing right at his face. The boy looks at him with shattering teeth as a large black stain shows up on his overalls.

"Bruce Edelstein Woosey?" Joker growls in his villainous pride.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: And Bruce Woosey was never seen again. DARK HUMOR!<strong>


End file.
